Tattoos Like Mile Markers
by casket4mytears
Summary: Finalist, Tattward/Inkella Challenge. It was the first day she saw the tattoos peering out from beneath his shirt. It was the first day he spoke, capturing the pain locked within her. But could a broken soul save another? AU AH slightly OOC. Lemon.
1. Chapter 1

_AN: This story's first chapter began as a one-shot entry and finalist for the Tattward and Inkella challenge. By popular demand, I've continued it as a multi. _

_Huge thanks to everyone who has been so freaking supportive of this story, especially Megsly (because I would have never even written the one-shot without her encouraging my idea). This story is very personal and dear to me already._

_This story deals significantly with subjects in mental illness. As someone with personal and professional experience in this area, I hope you trust me to take you on a realistic journey. Always feel free to PM me about this story and the topics within. **This story is rated M for strong language, drug use, graphic scenes of violence, and graphic imagery related to mental illness, and deals with depression, anxiety, self-harm, substance abuse, eating disorders and suicide. Oh yes, and lemons.** Lemons make everything better. No rape/abuse within.  
_

_**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I own a desire to shag a tattooed redeemable Doucheward and meet a Bitchella over shots at the bar. The title of this story is a song lyric from the song Jukebox by Ani Difranco, which inspired this hot mess. No infringements are intended.**_

_**To see other entries in the Tattward & Inkella Contest, please visit the C2 page:****  
**www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/community/Tattward_and_Inkella_Contest/71624/_

* * *

It was the first day he'd worn short sleeves to the session, his flimsy black t-shirt hugging the rippling of abdominal muscle beneath. She'd watched him enter, five minutes late as was his custom, his scowl fixed in place as if it were a form of armour. She understood this well; her crossed arms and unkempt hair strewn across her face were her own defense in this, her prison. Five days a week, she spent ninety minutes in this loose circle of plastic chairs likely pilfered from a junior high classroom, shuffling about to keep her ass from going numb while people wept, bitched and had 'profound moments of self-actualization,' as Dr. Jones would say.

If it weren't for her father's haunted look, the deep black circles beneath his eyes as he greeted her at breakfast, she wouldn't even bother. She'd pack up a bag, get in the truck and take off, or perhaps empty out her college fund and fly as far from Forks as possible. Maybe she'd drive the damn truck right into the ocean, finish what she'd started six months ago.

Toying with a limp strand of deep brown hair, she subtly watched him through the waves, eyes widening at the tattoos upon his usually concealed biceps. Each design seemed carefully plotted, each element woven together in a living tapestry that flexed as he ran his hand through his messy bronze hair. On the right arm, she could make out a series of numbers within what appeared to be razor wire, a tiny clock face in the centre. On the left, the bottom of a scene she could not quite decipher peeked from beneath his sleeve, the style resembling a comic book illustration. Her fingers twitched, aching to push back the material, curious for a glimpse at the part of him he held within.

He hadn't spoken a single word in the two weeks thus far, and yet, she felt as if she knew him. His refusal to participate mirrored her own, a kinship created out of mutual distaste. Several times, she'd longed to approach him, perhaps make some scathing remark about the ringleader of this Prozac Pow-Wow, but her words had lodged in her throat beneath the lump that remained a constant, that acerbic reminder of her faults. Maybe today, she'd finally speak with him. Ink was a safe topic, one she knew well. _Maybe_...

Dr. Jones cleared her throat, casting a disapproving glance at him before returning her attention to the emaciated girl to her right. She hated the girl, hated how she always chose the chair next to her. She wanted to shake her, to tell her to quit bitching about cheerleaders and dance camp and just eat a goddamn sandwich. There were far bigger things in life to worry about. At the same time, she knew that there was far more at work, that it wasn't that simple. It didn't make Jessica any less tedious.

"I just feel like no matter what I do, no matter what I achieve, no one will ever be as proud of me as they were when I lost the weight," Jessica sobbed, accepting a tissue from Dr. Jones, "My body is all I have! And you want to take that away from me!"

"I'm not trying to take anything away from you, other than your pain," Dr. Jones whispered, her greying hair swept into a loose knot at the nape of her neck, "Jessica, this isn't happiness. Were you ever truly happy with the weight loss? When everyone complimented you, what did you think?"

Jessica sniffled, "I thought they were lying. That they were just saying I was skinny to make me feel better."

Dr. Jones nodded in that self-righteous way _everyone_ hated, "So you weren't happy, were you? It wasn't really an accomplishment because you didn't feel you'd succeeded."

Jessica stomped her foot against the floor, "If you'd all stop ramming goddamn tubes down my throat, maybe I would achieve something!"

Dr. Jones shook her head, "If your goal is to achieve death, then yes, stopping the tubes would let you achieve something. Is that what you _want_ to achieve?"

The room went silent, save for Jessica's soft whimpering and the uncomfortable sighs of the other patients. She shook her head slightly in exasperation, pulling her hair further over her face, locking her gaze on the surly male across from her. He truly was the only bright spot in the hell of this group therapy session, his beauty even in his misery enough to choke off the air in her lungs at least once each day. Much to her surprise, however, he was not slouched backwards, his eyes closed as was his custom. He had risen to his feet, his face flushing red, his deep green eyes narrowing at the tiny therapist.

"This is bullshit!"

Dr. Jones' jaw actually dropped open, and she stifled a laugh. _This could get very, very interesting_... It was shaping up to be a day of firsts with this nameless man. Maybe that first conversation, perhaps initiating with a high five for this display, would be the trifecta.

"Edward, please sit down-"

_Edward. So that's his name ..._

"Fuck that! You're a hypocrite, and I'm calling you on it. Are you actually offering _her_ a choice in the matter of dying?" Edward's last sentence was spat out with such a look of disgust, Jessica cowered in her chair, covering her head with her hands.

She knew where his argument was headed: it was the same place of anger that kept her as silent as him – at least, until today, when he'd sauntered in with delicious yet powerful ink on display and unleashed a fury that she had stifled many times. The touchy-feely granola of Dr. Jones' approach left her ill, bile pushing its way up her esophagus, choking off all ability to speak, let alone protest her treatment regimens.

" Edward, I am certainly not _suggesting_ Jessica die. But I-"

Edward shook his head, "No, you are. You used the interrogative, did you not? They _do_ teach grammar at the Shrink Academy, don't they? When you raise your voice at the end of a statement, you are offering the opportunity to offer feedback or make a choice. It's not an order. It's not a suggestion. So how come she gets a choice, while I get stuck in this goddamn hole every _single_ day-"

"Edward!" Dr. Jones shouted, rising to her feet, "You cannot compare Jessica to yourself. Those are completely different situations, as we have discussed individually. If you would like to share how you feel, then I encourage you to speak with courtesy-"

"Fuck your therapy, fuck your hippy bullshit, and fuck this waste of time!" Edward snarled, "If she gets a choice about starving to death because she thinks her ass is fat, then it's _my _choice if I want to take hundreds of pills and finally get some sleep."

"Edward," Dr. Jones said firmly, struggling to remain composed, "Maybe we should step into the hall-"

"He's right."

She gasped, her hand pressing to her lips as she realized she'd spoken aloud. Her cheeks flushed bright red as the entire group, Edward included, now spun to face her. She'd never spoken beyond the first day's introductions, never offered her feelings or did the proverbial kumbaya with the over-sharing others. She gripped the thick bar piercing her tongue between her teeth and tugged slightly, enough for it to sting and shock her back into her stony resolve.

"Bella," Dr. Jones said gently, "Would you like to explain why you think Edward is right?"

Edward's gazed fixed on her now, his simmering rage fiery enough to burn her where she sat – and a sick part of her realized that were such a thing possible, she'd enjoy it. She felt her pulse begin to race, her vision blurring beneath the cloak of her hair. _What is he looking at me like that for? I just agreed with him! _Her fingers reached to fidget with her black blouse, her legs crossing and uncrossing.

"It's bullshit," Bella began nervously, "We come here every damn day, and it's the same party line. Lauren bitches about how mommy and daddy don't love her, Jessica complains she's fat when she's not, and Victoria and James recount their latest criminal exploits. But it's all bullshit, to expect people who don't want help to simply absorb it. We're not sponges. We're sentient. And telling us it's different is an excuse."

Dr. Jones smiled, which, in turn, made Bella cringe in her chair. _Creepy old broad. I have to get out of this shit. Charlie has to understand._ Smoothing her khakis, the petite therapist turned to Edward, gesturing to his ally.

"Edward, this is a better way to express disagreement and engage us in a conversation that can be healing. Would you like to respond to what Bella has said?"

Edward snorted, shoving his chair back several feet, the plastic slamming into the wall near the door. His entire body trembled, a warning of disaster to come, the steady tremor of a volcano beneath ground before it erupts with its natural born fury.

"I'm done here."

He stormed towards the door, Jessica and Lauren turning to each other, hushed whisperings droning like bees in Bella's ears. Dr. Jones called out to him, urged him to say, reminding him of their 'agreement.'

"No time for love, Dr. Jones," Edward quipped, stunning the group into silence.

Bella watched the door slam shut, the weathered wooden frame shuddering with the force. She gasped then, realizing that she'd held her breath as he'd walked away, this violent, angry man who dared to speak all of the things she herself could not. _But you did speak. You spoke because he did. _Dr. Jones stared at the door intently, as if willing it to open up, pulling her lost patient back inside. Her tiny lips furrowed as her fingertips drummed her thigh, a nameless beat that only served to fray Bella's last nerve. She wasn't crazy; this was one thing she knew. It wasn't crazy to want to suffer for irrevocable mistakes born of stupidity. It wasn't crazy to kill the shell of a woman who died inside years ago. She was being ecologically friendly, refusing to waste oxygen, water, food, even energy. How much more sane could she be?

Her legs rose of their own accord, her tight jeans clinging to her thighs in the humidity of the small room. The entire group turned, startled by this second wave of the unexpected. Seizing her purse by the chair, Bella turned to Dr. Jones, venom rising within and boiling over in a single, snarled curse.

"Shove your granola up your ass!"

And with those words, Bella ran for the door, throwing it open so violently that she swore she heard the handle lodge in the wall. Not wanting to see the damage done – and, she realized, not truly caring – she bolted down the narrow corridor of the so-called 'Special Care' wing of the hospital, dodging abandoned gurneys and metal garbage bins, searching out the one person she knew who understood how she felt about life and its insistence in holding her hostage. _Edward. His name is Edward._ She heard the faint ding of an elevator around the corner and followed it, led by her siren's song to what she hoped would be a shore of refuge. The indicator counted down the floors, pausing at ground level. Without hesitating, Bella dove into the stairwell to her right, her tiny black purse slapping hard against her hip as she jogged down the three flights to street level.

_This _was madness. She'd never spoken to him. She knew nothing of him, beyond a first name, a sarcastic tongue and a past suicide attempt. But her soul ached to make contact. Maybe they could find a way to end this anguish of life. Maybe they could get drunk and laugh at Lauren's petty latch-key kid drama. Bella would take anything at this point. Even a slap to the face would be a welcome change from looks of pity and refused phone calls.

Her chest heaving as she stumbled into the lobby, she caught sight of him in the parking lot, his hair burnt orange in the light of midday. She picked up her pace, willing her heart to pound faster, her limbs to work harder. In her haste, she tripped over a slight raise in the cement steps beyond the door, cursing as she fell to the ground, rolling onto the grass and immediately picturing the hideous grass stains doomed to follow.

"Aren't swans supposed to be graceful?"

_Oh fuck. Fuck. _Bella glanced up slowly at the amused sneer of Edward, dark glasses masking his eyes. Without thinking, she flipped him off, pushing herself to sitting with her left hand. Her ass stung from the impact but it seemed her limbs had survived without injury this time. _A small miracle._ Edward extended a hand to her, shaking his head in a pitying fashion. Bella hissed, smacking his hand away.

"Fine, be a bitch. You see, this is why I don't bother with humanity anymore. You try and be nice, and your thanks is rudeness."

"Oh get off your goddamn high horse!" Bella snapped, rising to her feet, "Your witty one-liners are amusing against Dr. Feel-Good in there, but I don't have to take your shit."

"Why are you out here anyway?" Edward snapped, kicking the curb, "Aren't you supposed to be inside, hiding behind your pretty hair and acting as if we're beneath you?"

Bella's fury rose inside of her, seizing control of her as her hand shoved at his chest, "Oh, and like you don't think you're above us? You show up late and practically sleep through sessions. Why show up at all?"

"Dr. Jones is unfortunately my personal shrink, and a friend of the family," Edward sighed, rolling his eyes, "And as for me feeling 'above' all of you? Nothing could be farther from the truth. You can't save what's already dead."

Bella froze, the words echoing through her, bouncing off the hollowed walls of her heart. _You can't save what's already dead_. They were words she'd written herself, in a two page apology to Charlie before... Before that day. Suddenly ashamed of her unexpected temper flare, her hand reached out gingerly for his bicep, where the mysterious number ensnared in razor wire beckoned her. Edward flinched, stepping away as if her touch were poison. Her hand fell and with it, her brief moment of hope for understanding.

"What do you want?" Edward grumbled, his eyes glancing to a silver Volvo nearby, "What the fuck do you want from me?"

"I..." Bella paused, swallowing back what felt like tears brimming to the surface, something that hadn't happened in months, "I just wanted to s-say that you were right. It's bullshit. I just thought... Maybe..."

"Spit it out," Edward interrupted, "I have places to go, people to piss off with my very existence. Possibly a nasty phone call from my parents."

Bella kicked the ground, slinging her purse further up her arm, "Forget it. I was going to ask about your ink, but if you're so determined to be a fucking ass, then go, be the biggest ass you can be. Change your name to Doucheward while you're at it."

Bella walked briskly towards her aging Ford truck, fumbling with the keys in her pocket before popping the door open, the slight creaking of a hinge in need of lubricant soothing to her. Tossing her purse into the passenger side, she gunned the engine, refusing to look back at the beautiful bastard who'd stolen the secret fears of her heart and recited them out loud, making them all the more real. _Screw him. I don't need friends, anyway. I just hurt them, like Jake_... Her hand reached into her purse, pulling out the small flip phone Charlie had forced her to accept after she'd arrived home from the hospital. There was no better time than the present to break the news of her melodramatics. Maybe they would up her dose of Ambien so she could make a few more extra bucks pawning them off to her coworkers. A single moment of grace entered her day as it went straight to voicemail, Charlie's generic 'I'm the Chief, leave a message' announcement giving way to a tiny high-pitched beep.

"Hey Dad, it's me. Look, I dropped out of group today. I swear, I will go to a therapist of my own. They can stick me on some stupid couch and ask me why I hate my dead mother's carcass. I don't care. Dr. Jones is just... Look, she isn't helping me. Okay? Anyway, I'm off to work. I'm on until closing, so I'll probably have a drink with Ronan and crash with him and his girl. Call you later. Love you."

Bella sighed, tossing the phone onto the seat, her hands shaking as she clutched the wheel. Everything would be okay in Port Angeles. She'd have a few shots with Ronan and Emily, maybe sing a little karaoke, and collapse on their couch in a heap of misery and enjoy the finest shitty TV late night cable could provide. Tomorrow would be just another day where she woke up afraid to live.

* * *

The answering machine in his studio apartment blinked incessantly as he walked in the door, tossing a magazine and a bag of chips on the coffee table. Every few minutes, his cell phone purred with the missed call alerts that began around two, roughly when Dr. Amelia Jones would have ended her little group hug and stormed to his father's office on the opposite end of the hospital. A part of him felt terrible for his behaviour, particularly his language; Carlisle detested vulgarities, insisting that it diminished the power of any argument. But that woman's voice and her inconsistencies were like a vise grip upon his skull, squeezing at his temples until his vision went white with searing pain. The last straw had been today, with her little speech at Jessica. Something had happened within him, some wave of realization breaking over him, baptizing him a ball of fury – 'hellbound, be thy name.'

He'd face the music tomorrow; tonight, he would stroll down to the bar, get wasted, then come home and dream of a world without him in it.

Slipping into his worn leather jacket, he made his way down the three flights of stairs to ground level, inhaling the smell of cars and cheap perfume. This was one of the more commercial strips in Port Angeles, but he didn't mind the noise and drunken fighting on Saturday nights. Anything was better than the family home in Forks, where far too many prying sets of eyes followed his every step. The conveniences were abundant as well: a bar two blocks south, a small grocery store three blocks east and, most importantly, his tattoo artist's shop one block away from the bar.

At the thought of the small parlour where he'd marked all of the moments he could never allow himself to forget, his mind drifted to the girl from therapy. Bella Swan, the police chief's daughter; they'd kept whatever happened to her under wraps, although he knew from his father that she'd nearly died six months ago. The hows and whys were stifled in the gossip mill, moreso out of respect for the Chief than anything else, but Bella's sudden speech in the hippy's circle jerk of hypocrisy made it clear that the wounds were self-inflicted.

It made resisting her that much more impossible, and at this, Edward growled, startling an older woman passing him on the sidewalk.

She was even more beautiful with her face exposed, as he'd discovered today when she'd given chase, for reasons he still couldn't quite understand. From moment one, he'd been taken with her, intrigued by the way she fingercombed her hair over her face, as if to hide from the prodding of the therapist with a childish 'out of sight, out of mind' mentality. Afraid of being caught staring, he'd shut his eyes, leaning back as if nodding off for a nap, her visage fixed behind his eyelids. She never smiled. She never spoke, even when directly asked.

That is, until today.

_Why did she have to speak today? And why did she have to make so much goddamn sense? _Edward felt that familiar frustration surging through his limbs, his pace increasing as an immediate need for alcohol took over. Until now, he'd dismissed her as a vapid bitch, a know-it-all, an aloof elitist. Instead, she was as damaged and equally unimpressed with Jones as he was – and interested in his tattoos. But nothing could happen between them, not ever; anyone who came close to him suffered a terrible consequence...

_Fuck it. There's money in your__ wallet and the bar is waiting. Let the Jack Daniels begin._

Tossing open the door to Scruffy's Tavern, Edward found himself slammed into a wall as a woman hurried past, a familiar male voice calling out from deep within the murky bar. Edward blinked hard as the woman cursed, her hand fumbling for the door.

"Bella! Wait!"

"I need air," she grumbled.

Edward groaned. _You have GOT to be fucking kidding me!_ The situation took a turn from strange to utterly disturbing in two seconds as his personal tattoo artist rushed past him, seizing the porcelain-skinned brunette by her elbow and pulling her back inside.

"Bella, it'll be fine. Em's just been drinking a lot, and she's stressed out."

"I have enough drama of my own, and it's already been a bad day. I'm not going to get in the middle of yours," Bella grumbled, shaking her arm free.

"At least come and have another drink with me until she decides to end her bathroom hissy fit?" Ronan pleaded, "It's your duty."

Bella threw her hands up in the air, "Whatever! You're buying, though."

She stumbled slightly as she abandoned the door, again slamming into Edward's arm. _It's like I'm invisible to this girl_. Clearing his throat loudly, Edward stepped in front of her, uncertain of what he aimed to achieve but unable to resist.

"That's twice in two minutes, Swan. You don't believe in saying excuse me?"

Bella stared at his face and scowled, "Oh bloody hell! Go away!"

Ronan watched the exchange, confused, "Why the hate, Bella?"

"THIS is that asshole from earlier!" Bella hissed, "Great! This night continues to be _perfect_. Ice pick lobotomy and a bottle of vodka, NOW."

Ronan burst out laughing, punching Edward's arm, "Dude, you really are a grade A asshole, aren't you? I should have known you were the Edward in question."

Bella's jaw dropped open, "You know this self-absorbed jerk?"

Ronan nodded, "Bella, this would be one of my best regulars, Edward Cullen. What are we up to now, five?"

"Five it is, Ronan," Edward replied, forcing himself to remain calm, "How do you know the graceless one?"

"Bella is our newest apprentice at the shop. She's been with us for three months now. Amazing eye for the work. Maybe she'll do your next ink?" Ronan added, laughing.

Bella stuck out her tongue at Ronan, and Edward felt himself shudder as her 10ga silver bar caught the fluorescent light overhead. _She works at my shop and she's pierced. This must be hell on earth._ Ronan playfully shoved her sideways, earning a muttered curse and a kick to his shin that he shook off with a smile.

"My drink, Ronan?" Bella shouted, her eyes flitting towards the door.

"You gonna join us, Edward?" Ronan asked.

"I'm going home," Bella groaned, slamming out the door in a huff.

"Man, you pissed her off earlier! You blew off a girl wanting to admire your ink?" Ronan asked incredulously, watching her departure.

"I don't have it to pick up women," Edward countered, "And it's better for her if she stays away."

Ronan sighed, shoving Edward towards the door, "Bella's not like most women, and the two of you are fucking emo twins. My woman's ticked at me for reasons unknown and Bella's too many in to drive home. Go, be nice, buy her a fucking drink and let me try and fix things with Emily. Please, bro."

Edward grimaced, "You owe me large for such a tall order."

Ronan reached into his back pocket, yanking out a twenty, "Here! Just don't let her leave. She'll crash her truck and her dad will have my ass."

With a sigh, Edward stepped outside, nearly crashing into Bella as she stood beneath the overhang of the entryway, her face pressed to the cool concrete wall, eyes shut tightly. In this moment, she was vulnerable, her emotions plain upon her troubled face. It was a look he knew well from many mornings in the bathroom mirror. He saw his hand lift, saw it brushing the hair away from her face with a gentle motion, as if she would break beneath his touch. Startled, her eyes flew open, her body recoiling against the wall, fists clenching. Her recognition of him was met with a groan.

"For someone so eager for me to leave him alone, you sure seem to follow me."

Edward shrugged, "I'm a masochist."

"I think you're more the sadist. You sure seem to like watching me suffer," Bella snarled, her brown eyes flashing with contempt.

Edward felt his stomach twist, the drop off that only a rollercoaster could create within him. _Even if she should stay away, you don't need to hurt her like this._ He reached out tentatively, his hand resting lightly on her shoulder. She flinched but remained rooted to her spot, her face stoic.

"Look, I'm an ass. I know it. Ronan knows it. I have my reasons and you might just understand them. I also have a twenty from Ronan's wallet to buy us drinks. Come inside, have a few shots and we can watch Ronan get his ass handed to him by a tiny blonde."

Bella bit her lower lip, her eyes averting to the ground as she shuffled in her simple black flats. With a sound somewhere between a scream and a snarl, she shrugged off his hand, gesturing to the door behind him.

"Fine. But I reserve the right to punch you in the face if you're rude to me."

* * *

She tossed her hair back over her shoulders, the Jack and Coke in front of her hitting hard on the heels of three shots toasting everything from 'Dr. Jones' addiction to the Chicken Soup For The Soul books' to 'Being glad Emily's not slugging me.' In spite of her initial hesitation and resentment, Edward had quickly moved to redeem himself, his sharp tongue and jaded worldview omnipresent but no longer overshadowed by his blatant lack of manners. She'd not paid for a single shot or drink as they'd sat at the bar, running commentary on Ronan's love life and Dr. Jones' sessions, Edward doing a mean impression of Jessica that left her slapping the bar in laughter.

Nothing personal had been said, beyond Bella's professional aspirations and Edward's refusal to attend university and the resulting move to Port Angeles. Bella liked it that way. She didn't need his biography; she needed commiseration. Behind her came a loud crash, the bartender waving at security as she spun to see Ronan ducked behind a chair, Emily still on a tirade, her blonde hair bobbing in pigtails that made the scene all the more ridiculous.

"Ah, young love," Edward sneered, "A many splendored thing."

"Oh, yes. Sign me up for my own version of Domestic Disturbia," Bella snarked, knocking back the rest of her drink.

"Domestic _what_?" Edward laughed.

"The Chris Brown and Rihanna thing? That was the tag the gossip sites gave it. You know, because Rihanna had that song-"

"Oh fucking Christ, that's brilliant!" Edward gasped, laughing harder, "Emily loves Rihanna."

Bella slapped Edward's arm, laughing hard herself, "Fuck off! I'm totally plastering Ronan's station in pics of Brown and Rihanna tomorrow, then."

Edward grinned, flagging the bartender over and ordering up two shots of Goldschlager, "You need to take pictures. I need to embarrass that man into free ink."

"Pictures and video will happen, I assure you. I'm tired of cleaning up his station. Last I checked, that wasn't a vital part of my becoming an artist," Bella grumbled, reaching for her shot, "And now I can thank him for spending a night sleeping in my truck. There they go…"

Edward watched as Ronan gave chase to Emily, his tattooed arms waving wildly behind her as she stormed furiously into the streets of Port Angeles, the bar security staff trailing behind, herding them. _Damn, that is not going to end well. Looks like Ronan's due to be single soon_. Throwing back his own shot, his eyes drifted to Bella, unwittingly meeting with the slight cleavage exposed by her blouse, the top two buttons long ago released. Her skin seemed delicate, paper-thin; he wondered how she'd managed to survive her own attempt to shuffle off the mortal coil with her body so seemingly yielding to destruction. He quickly raised his line of sight, not wanting to upset her if caught, and found her staring back at him, a strange sorrow marring her features. And in that moment, he knew he would break all his rules. The way her deep brown eyes cut through him, as if she _knew_ him… There was nothing he could refuse her.

"You can't sleep in a truck in Port Angeles. It's not safe," Edward said softly.

"I'll be fine. And if I'm not, then the world will be doing me a favour," Bella quipped, toying with her empty shot glass.

"Hey," Edward insisted, leaning forward "Admittedly I'm just the asshole from the worst group therapy sessions ever, but I don't think I could deal with finding out you became the first homicide this year, not when I might prevent it. I live two blocks away and the couch is comfortable. You're welcome to crash there."

Bella hesitated, her heart beginning to pound as he suddenly looked away, as if… _shy?_ _He's shy? What does he have to be shy about?_ Her finger rolled the empty shot glass around the bar as she carefully weighed out her options. Going home was impossible; she was far too many in and Charlie didn't need to get up at one in the morning and fetch her. She could grab a cheap room at one of the local hotels, but that cost money, something she'd blown through a fair bit of recently. Ronan's place seemed a total bust, which pissed her off on so many levels, being as he'd conned her into the late shift with promises of booze and board. And now, there was Edward's offer… An offer so tempting, she felt faint. Beneath the aggression and caustic diatribes, she'd seen hints of intelligence and a subtle sweetness held deep within. He wasn't a complete stranger; Ronan knew him well, and his father was on staff at the hospital in Forks. And if he tried anything, there was always that can of mace Charlie forced her to carry in her purse.

"I don't want to impose, Mr. Anti-Social," she finally responded, biting down on her tongue bar.

"No imposition. I have to warn you; I don't sleep well. Hope TV doesn't keep you up."

Bella's eyes drifted to his biceps, to the peeking hints of mysterious ink beneath the cotton sleeves of his t-shirt. _There are stories there, behind the shades. God, I want to know those stories._ With a coy smile, she slowly rose to her feet, her finger lightly poking at the mysterious numbers etched on his skin.

"I will, on one condition: you show me your ink."

Edward sighed loudly, feigning protest, "Fine, I _suppose_ I can do that."

Bella followed Edward out onto the street, the cool air reviving her immediately. She'd probably had two shots too many, judging from how unsteady the sidewalk felt beneath her feet, but she shrugged it off, keeping her focus on dodging discarded trash and broken glass dotting the Friday streets of the tourist trap. Her jeans clung to her uncomfortably, the alcohol sweating itself out through every pore as she moved to keep pace with Edward's brisk gait. They walked in silences punctuated by the odd sarcastic remark by Edward, little bits of gossip about the drunks stumbling by or anecdotes about the shops dotting the scenery. Overhead, hundreds of tiny stars dotted a deep indigo sky, a sliver of moon illuminating their way. The sight conjured up memories of a night a year ago in another town, standing on a cliff high above the water, her feet rocking to and fro as she struggled to remain steady…

"Bella?"

Bella shook herself, smiling sheepishly at Edward's concerned visage, "I'm sorry; I wandered off a moment."

"I know the feeling. We're here," Edward announced, holding open the door to a narrow stairway beside a tiny art gallery.

Bella stepped cautiously inside, climbing the stairs slowly. From behind her, Edward admonished himself for staring at her tight ass, his fingers running through his damp hair nervously. _What are you doing?! This could end so badly, and she seems genuinely decent under her storm cloud. You should tell her to run. You're damaged. You're poison._ Her pace was slow, her hand gripping the rail tightly, knuckles gleaming under the jaundiced lighting overhead. He wanted to offer his hand to steady her, but thought it too brash, particularly with their bitter start. The thought of her leaving tonight suckered him in the gut, his entire body straining to buckle at the suggestion of the loss. Bella seemed to _get_ him, something he hadn't felt since...

"This door?" Bella asked softly, pausing at the top of the stairs.

"My humble home," Edward murmured, unlocking the door and throwing it open.

The studio apartment was somewhat barren as Bella stepped inside, drinking in the lack of decor. Yet, there were personal touches, signs of a life lived within: the magazines scattered on various tables, a small figurine of a Mad Hatter holding a teacup, a single family photo, framed and set upon a Baldwin piano in the corner. _He plays? I always wanted to learn to play_. Edward crossed the open space, tossing his jacket on a two-seater dining table near an alcoved kitchen and moving silently to the window, cracking it open. Unsure of what to do with herself, she settled onto the large grey sofa facing a plasma TV, stretching her weary legs out along an oak table.

"Can I ask you something?"

Bella turned towards Edward, who stood at the opposite end of the sofa, hands rammed deeply in his pockets, "You can ask. I might not answer."

"You're a suicide case too, right? I don't want to pry, and I know I was a total dick this afternoon, but I got that from what you said and-"

"Yeah," Bella whispered, "Six months ago."

"Pills?"

Bella shook her head, "Truck in the garage, hose from the exhaust into the cab. My dad came home moments after I passed out."

"Whoa..." Edward whispered, settling onto the couch, "I stole pills from the hospital – morphine, benzos, you name it. Whiskey chaser. My sister found me. She's still pissed off."

"My dad won't say so, but he's still really upset. He blames himself."

"For what it's worth, and coming from a fellow headcase with a death wish, it's likely not much... I'm glad you suck at suicide."

Bella's puzzled expression sent his gaze diving for the floor in embarrassment, "You're pretty fucking strange, Cullen."

"I'm sorry."

"It's a good thing," she mused, Edward's head snapping up to find her shifting to face him, her legs flopping lazily over his lap, "The ink. I've been obsessing all day. Show me?"

Edward chuckled, "You've been thinking about my tattoos all day? You've nothing better to think of?"

"I'm an artist – sort of. But beyond that... There's a story in the art. You don't get inked for kicks. It's a branding, a mile marker... isn't it?"

Edward nodded, his voice cracking, "Testaments to what I can never be allowed to forget."

Bella hand reached out gingerly, fingers grazing his right elbow as she slowly pushed up the sleeve of his t-shirt, revealing a seven-digit number intertwined with razor-wire and a small clock face in the centre. He shivered at the warmth and softness of her skin as she traced the design, following the winding trail of wire as it looped through the work. He could not look her in the eye, not now; he was afraid of what he might find. Pity? Sadness? He wasn't worth that emotion from her.

"The clock... 1:37. It's a time. The number reminds me of something, but I can't place it..."

"Auschwitz. The camps," Edward whispered hoarsely.

Bella gasped, "Oh God... Who...?"

"My maternal grandmother was a child survivor of the Holocaust. She was ten when she escaped through Poland. We were close... The number is her birthday. The time is when she passed..."

Edward pressed his hand to his face, memories of his beloved Nana flooding to the surface. She'd always had a kind word for him, always praising his efforts in every way. He flinched slightly as Bella edged closer, her hand rubbing his back gently, the faintest of touches. A tiny scraping of metal sounded near his cheek as she pressed closer, her voice a whisper.

"I don't ink. I pierce. I did my tongue when my mother was killed three years ago. Robbery gone wrong. They pressed a gun into her mouth. I... I wanted to know..."

"I'm so sorry," Edward whispered, his face tilting to the right and pausing before Bella's pained face, their noses grazing each other.

Bella nodded slightly, her deep brown eyes shimmering wells as tears fought to the surface. Automatically, Edward reached for her cheek, his hand resting on the porcelain of her flesh, his breath catching as she leaned into his caress ever so slightly. Her chin quivered as she struggled to swallow back her sorrow, the tremor resonating through him. Her tongue darted out slightly, rolling along the surface of her lips, moistening them.

"Show me another?" Bella whispered.

Edward's hands moved to the hem of his t-shirt, tugging it up and over his head, the garment tumbling to the floor behind the sofa. Bella's eyes roamed his body, examining the tattoo upon his chest first, the wounded bluebird cupped within two hands, a watch upon one wrist. She pressed her palm to the art, closing her eyes for a moment that felt impossibly long, sending Edward's heart careening against his ribcage. The lashes fluttered as she turned to his left bicep, upon which stood a ghostly figure clad in black, an hourglass in hand with the numbers '237' etched upon its wooden frame.

"Your choice," he murmured.

"The bird?"

"My mother... Her favourite colour was blue. She rescued injured birds often when I was small. Cancer, a year ago."

"Cancer is an evil thing. It steals so much...." Bella whispered, her hands drifting to the bottom of her blouse, unbuttoning the lower two buttons and revealing a navel piercing, "Thirteen months ago, I did something incredibly stupid that irrevocably changed the lives of several people. My boyfriend... he couldn't stay. And my gut twisted into so many knots that it felt right to pierce there."

Edward found himself drawn to touch her, his thumb and forefinger rolling the tiny metal ball above her navel between them. Her back arched slightly, as if presenting it to him. Her gaze lingered on the strange dark figure upon his left arm, her brow furrowed in concentration. Drawing a deep breath, Edward explained the source of her fascination.

"It's Death, from the Sandman comics. It's the newest tattoo of the five, only four months old. Ronan was nice to bump a few appointments to get me in before... Well, before I'd intended to take the longest nap possible," Edward finished, smiling weakly, "It was important that I mark the moment."

"What moment would that be?"

Edward's face clouded over, "The moment I knew that inside, I was already dead. My body was just waiting to catch up."

"You can't save what's already dead," Bella whispered, "You said that, earlier today..."

"I did."

"I wr-wrote that in my s-s-suicide note," she said, her body beginning to shake.

It happened so quickly, Edward felt her kiss before knowing he'd chosen to make contact, his hand tangling in her wavy locks as his mouth crashed into hers, her soft moan his permission. Her lips tasted sweet and bitter, soda and liquor clinging to each line as his tongue ran along the surface, skimming lightly before her mouth enveloped it, taking him inside. Her body pressed forward, the hand toying with her piercing now firmly wedged between his thigh and her groin, a low growl trapped in his throat as her heat radiated against his palm. Every collision of their tongues, their lips, sent sparks arcing along the surface of his back, his spine spiralling towards her. The cool metal of her piercing aroused him in ways he'd never known, the thick round orb rolling in smooth circles. A panic began to swell within him as she straddled his lap, her arms thrown around his neck, pulling him closer and devouring him. _No, this is wrong. I'll hurt her. I'll destroy her, like I destroy everyone I care about. Stop it! Save her!_ Wrestling with the lust growing within, he gently pushed her back by her shoulders, shaking his head sadly.

"Bella, this isn't right," Edward lamented.

Bella's face fell, her arms wrapping around herself, "I'm-I'm sorry. I don't know why-"

"No! No, I want to... You don't understand. Everyone in my life..."

"What is it, Edward?" she asked softly.

"They die, Bella. I'm tainted. Cursed. And I won't let myself kill you. You're witty, and thoughtful, and you hate granola shrinks and love mods as much as I do. You look at me and... You _know_ me. And I can't watch you die."

"You can't kill what's already dead," she whispered, her hand pressing to the hourglass upon his arm, "You know me, too. It's terrifying, but you do. But if you want me to go-"

"No," Edward gasped, fighting back tears, "No, I don't want you to go. But I don't feel right asking you to stay."

"I never do anything right," Bella said, shrugging, "Why would I start now?"

She leaned forward then, her lips pressing to the tattooed flesh of his chest. A tear slid free from his eye as she continued to kiss each little part of the picture, her breath hot against his clammy skin, her lips gentle, almost reverent. He leaned forward, resting his head lightly upon hers, inhaling the delicate fruit scent of her shampoo. Her mouth grazed his nipple and he moaned softly, the contact directly connecting with the stirring in his jeans. She rose slowly, her face hovering close to his, her own eyes moist.

"Two people who can't be saved," she whispered, "But what if...?"

"What?"

"What if we just try anyway?"

Throwing all reservations out the door, Edward embraced her, his mouth meeting hers in a frenzied kiss as his hands traced the curves of her back, her hips, marvelling at every inch of her. Was it possible to save the damned? He didn't know, but in this moment, he could do nothing but acquiesce. He would try, for her. As her hands gripped his bare shoulders, fingernails pressing tiny half-circles into his skin, he found his hand fumbling between them, struggling to release the three buttons holding her shirt together. His entire body shook as the material parted, a sigh escaping Bella as he pulled back to study her flat stomach, the gentle swells of her breasts lifted by a deep blue bra of silk and lace. His thumb ran along the edges of the smooth material, emerald eyes drinking in the beauty before him, a beauty his mind continued to proclaim him unworthy of. Her arms shrugged free of the blouse, allowing it to fall to the cool tile floor, her hands cupping his face, tilting it upwards.

"Save me," she pleaded, "Try."

His mouth fell against her collarbone, sucking and nipping gently at the delicate skin as he drifted towards her jugular, his left hand encircling her breast, squeezing firmly. She gasped, her hips grinding down against his burgeoning erection, awakening an instinct long buried within him. His lips connected with her pulse point, his arousal growing at the steady beat within her veins. _She's alive. She breathes. I can save her. She doesn't have to die_. Her hands tangled in his messy copper locks, twisting and tugging as he continued to suck and bite, the faint saltiness of her skin lingering on his tongue. His hand slipped lower, fumbling with the button on her tight jeans until they popped apart, the zipper easily releasing for him.

"God, yes," she gasped, "I need... I..."

His mouth plunged between her breasts, his tongue running lightly between them as his shaft throbbed uncomfortably against his own pants. His hands planted firmly upon her hips, Edward rose to his feet, Bella hooking her ankles behind his back. Her mouth pressed against his bicep, her tongue licking along the curving lines of the Death tattoo as he walked her slowly towards his bed, grasping the taut curves of her ass. Her teeth sunk gently into his arm and he groaned, the strain in his pants worsening with each passing moment. It was all he could to place her gently on the bed instead of throwing her down upon it and tearing her clothes away. Her hands immediately seized the waistband of his jeans, her tongue rolling her piercing along his chest as his pants quickly hit the floor, his boxers lost with them. Edward felt his face flush at his exposure, a brief moment of trepidation creeping in through the lust that made Bella smile.

"You're not going shy on me now, are you Cullen?"

"And if I am?" Edward countered.

His answer was the cool feel of metal on the pulsing skin of his manhood, Bella's mouth enveloping him, dragging her tongue along the entire length. The head of his cock bumped against the back of her throat and he groaned, his brief nervousness lost beneath ecstasy and need. Bella hummed in satisfaction as she continued to drag her tongue along the underside of his shaft, her lips in pursuit, applying varying levels of pressure. His eyes rolled back in his head as his body wavered, his mind oblivious to all save the swerving caresses of her tongue, the heat of her throat, the sound of her murmur. Her hand gripped him now, working in twisting tandem with her lips. He could feel the steady build within him, a swift ascension to the heights of pleasure and he willed himself to hold on, to hold back. He couldn't be satisfied until she was, until her soft voice moaned his name.

He seized her shoulders, gently shoving her back onto the bed and lifting her hips, easing off her jeans and tiny thong, tossing them aside. She was glistening with her arousal, her breath baited as he sank to his knees before her, sinking his mouth into her sweetness. Her gasp as he rolled the tip of his tongue along her swollen clitoris brought a smile to his face, a genuine one, the first in years. His tongue lashed painfully slow and gentle against the tiny nub as he slid two fingers deep inside of her, thrusting upwards to caress her sweet spot. Bella's body writhed upon the cool silk sheets, her fists ensnaring them as she moaned and begged for him to keep going, to never stop. Edward's cock throbbed against the post of the bed as he pumped his fingers faster, his mouth enveloping her clit and sucking gently as he felt her tense around him. Her cries grew louder and incoherent as she climaxed hard, her hand slamming against the bed as she panted, chest heaving. Edward nipped her inner thigh, eliciting a squeal of surprise as he rose and reached for the top drawer of the bedside table, frantically digging for and locating a foil packet. Bella's eyes opened as he tore the foil, and she struggled to sit up, licking her lips.

"Let me?"

Edward shuddered, passing her the condom. _There is something incredible about a woman sheathing a dick_, he mused, watching as Bella slowly unrolled the latex, squeezing the base of his shaft with a wink. His patience long worn thin, Edward shoved her back against the bed, mounting her with a ferocious kiss, the taste of her juices lingering on his lips. Bella's back arched, her hips shifting towards his thick member as it grazed her slit. _Not just yet_. He shifted away, his hand slipping between her thighs, parting her labia and caressing her aroused flesh. Her fingers dug into his back, pulling him tight against her, the silk and lace of her bra grinding against his bare chest.

"I need you so much," he whispered, "I've never needed someone like this."

"I need you. I need this. _Please_," she begged, her eyes locked on his.

He thrust inside, crying out as he buried himself in the tight warmth of her. He hesitated, fearing he'd hurt her, until she ground herself against him, her knees raising, opening herself up wider. His thrusts were slow and hard, the two of them lurching towards the headboard as he drove every inch inside, her gasps and moans sending him reeling. She moved in rhythm with him, her ankles looped behind his back as her hands reached for his hips, pulling him ever closer, until it began to feel as if they were melding into a single organism of flesh and fire. His orgasm built quickly, a mental struggle against the inertia of a new passion waged as he slowed his pace, unwilling for this moment to end, for the feel of her surrounding his shaft to be lost. He lunged forward, sucking greedily at her neck as she held on tighter, as if she feared he would disappear if he withdrew completely. His kisses moved swiftly towards her breasts, Edward swearing an inner curse at the bra that concealed the pert nipples pressing out against their prison.

"Hang on," he grunted.

One hand upon her hip, the other behind her neck, Edward rolled to the left, Bella now straddling his hips, her hair wild and tumbling over her eyes. His fingers made quick work of the insufferable garment, tossing it across the room and striking the door with a tiny thud. Bella planted her hands upon his chest, her head thrown back as she rode him, her hips circling through what felt like a figure eight around his cock. Edward bit down hard on his lip, fighting the desire for release, his hands cupping and caressing her breasts. His head pressed forward to snag one delicately between his teeth, tongue lapping at the sensitive tissue.

"Shit! God, yes. Bite harder, Edward. I'm so close…"

Edward complied, tugging with his teeth as Bella's pace quickened, her nails scraping along his chest and leaving tiny lines of pain that sent sparks shooting across his vision. He could feel the world giving way, her walls tightening about his shaft as she slammed down harder, his member quivering as he peaked. The words of lust and need in his brain shattered away, leaving behind only a loud moan echoed by hers, her head falling to his chest, damp hair spilling over him. His arms wrapped around her, clinging tightly as a strange feeling flooded him, so foreign he initially felt the room spinning down into a black hole of panic, the fears fading as her voice reached out to him, muffled against his heart.

"Thank you," she whispered, drawing ragged breaths.

The realization sunk in slowly, permeating the labyrinth of sorrow and self-loathing he'd carefully constructed over the years, its walls disintegrating until there was only her, only _now_… and it was beautiful. The indigo bedspread tumbling from the foot of the bed seemed richer somehow in the faint moonlight trickling between the blinds. Her hair, a deep brunette, glinted with auburn highlights that traced the curve of her cheeks as she rested against him, spent. Her pale skin seemed luminescent now, and Edward found himself mesmerized by the sight. His heart pounded furiously against his ribs as he could sense each movement of her body, every inhalation, every faint murmur that betrayed her exhaustion. He felt connected with someone, truly connected, above and beyond the merging of their bodies.

He felt _alive_.

Gently kissing the top of her head, Edward rolled Bella off of him, turning away to remove the used condom, tucking it in the discarded packet on the nightstand. The alarm clock radio gleamed, Edward making note of the time: 4:21am. He could not allow himself to forget this. If it all receded tomorrow, if the shadows and storms reclaimed his spirit, he would know that it was possible to believe in life after spiritual death. Rolling back towards Bella, she curved against him, her head tucking under his right arm with a small sigh. She lightly kissed his chest, eyes closed as her hand interwove with his.

"Don't let go," she mumbled, "Not tonight…"

Edward smiled, burying his face in her air, "I won't, Bella. I can't."

And he couldn't; he understood that now, as clear as the clock's garish red display. She could save him, against all odds. He vowed to save her in return.

* * *

Bella woke up with a miserable headache, the kick-back of a long night with her old friend Jack D. Her palm pressed to her temple, willing the pounding to subside as her eyes squinted open, her surroundings startling her out of the fog of her hangover. A warm body pressed against her back, an arm flung lazily across her waist in the large four poster bed, the sheets and blankets spilling onto the floor. Her head turning behind her, she met with the peaceful face and messy hair of Edward Cullen, a faint smile crossing his lips as she shifted within his grasp.

The night flooded back in vivid detail, her body aching in delicious ways as she recalled their sexual encounter. The connection she'd felt with him ran deeper than any she'd ever known, Jacob included – and this both thrilled and terrified her to her core. She was a wretch, a ruiner of lives; could such a creature feel something as poignant and honest as this? He'd taken her in kindness, his face brimming with the same disbelieving desperation. But what had he felt? Had he felt the way time seemed to freeze as they came together, the way the seas of sadness parted, allowing a safe and unburdened passage to sleep and dreams?

A murmur behind her ear startled her, a tiny squeak of surprise passing her lips as Edward's grazed her cheek. A shiver ran down her spine, her body pressing closer to his of its own accord.

"Morning," he murmured.

"Morning."

Edward's arms shifted, moaning as something seemed to stretch too far, "I really need to hit the gym more often."

Bella's head lolled back towards him, her smile tentative, "I think you're in perfect shape."

Edward chuckled, "That's the leftover booze talking."

His lips met hers gently, Bella craning her neck, seeking something deeper. Edward pressed a finger to her nose, protesting his 'bad morning breath.' Bella giggled, contenting herself with spinning to rest her head upon his heart, her headache soothed by the steady, strong beat.

"Hungry? There's a place that does brunch down the street."

"Mmm, yeah, I am. I need juice; my head's killing me," Bella whined, glancing at the clock beside the bed, "Shit. I have work in three hours."

"Yes, you do. You have a tattoo appointment," Edward said, massaging her temples for her.

"Wait, what? I don't have any appointments yet. I'm still on my apprenticeship-"

Edward's eyes locked on hers, and Bella felt her stomach come to life with the fluttering of hundreds of tiny butterflies, pressing her ribs and seeking freedom, "You're going to tattoo me, Bella."

"Edward… Ronan is so much better than I am-"

"Shh," Edward admonished, "I believe in you. I want you to do it. It's not a large piece."

"But why?" Bella protested in confusion, "And what?"

Edward hesitated, his emerald eyes averting from her gaze, "A sun, breaking free from an eclipse, the light emerging at last beyond the inky cloak of a moon bearing the face of a clock, pointed at 4:21."

Bella studied his face, a sense of wonder blanketing her, "It sounds beautiful…"

Edward's hand brushed her cheek, "Don't you want to know what the time is for?"

Bella desperately wanted to know, but could not confess it. She feared his response, feared the power he held through concealed feelings. A spark had ignited within her, one he could so easily extinguish with a single dismissive word. Her heart lay beneath his feet, ripe for the stomping. She managed a slight nod, her teeth sinking into her lower lip.

"I know our lives have been hard. I know we are both fragile beings. But last night, I knew – without any caveats whatsoever – that you could save me, Bella. I felt _alive_ with you, awakened to a world of possibilities once more. I never want to forget that feeling's existence. I need to remember hope."

Bella felt the tears begin to fall, the tears she had not dared shed for months. She swiped frantically at them, embarrassed as Edward smoothed her hair, holding her tighter against his chest.

"I'm sorry; I shouldn't have said something so intense," Edward chastised himself.

"No!" Bella blurted out, "God, say it again. Tell me you felt it, too…."

His hands cradling her face, Edward stared deep into her eyes, his own rippling with the threat of waterworks, "I want to save you, Bella. I want to try."

Bella leaned forward, pressing her lips to his, her mind reeling. _How can 24 hours change life so dramatically? _Edward pulled away, tousling her tangled hair with a chuckle.

"You have sex hair," he teased.

"So do you!"

"Yeah, but it's hot on me. Bella, you're a beautiful disaster."

Bella yanked the pillow out from beneath his head, clobbering him in the face, "I don't know what makes you more of a Doucheward: mocking the sex hair _you_ created or referencing Kelly Clarkson!"

"Simmer down, Bitchella!" Edward teased, dodging a second swing and making a run for the bedroom door.

"Oh it's on, Cullen. Domestic Disturbia, coming your way!" Bella shouted, struggling to look menacing.

"What if I tell you that you can stand under my umbrella-ella-ella?" Edward asked, pouting from around the door frame.

Bella groaned, "What if I let you shower with me in exchange for ending the obnoxious puns?"

With a sly smile, Edward padded back into the room, his hands reaching for Bella's waist as he kissed her forehead, "Anything for you, Ms. Swan."

The words were a vow, straight from his embattled soul. _Anything for her, no matter what the costs. Anything she needs, until I die_. For the first time in years, Edward prayed that wasn't anytime soon.

* * *

**For the many asking: I do plan to make this a multi after the contest closes, due to popular demand. For updates, etc follow me on Twitter: casket4myfanfic**


	2. Chapter 2

_**AN: I am truly blessed to have such kind reviewers, and also incredibly excited that so many people at once embraced this story as a one shot (and it was NEVER intended to be more than that) and demanded it continue (and between all the requests and the characters speaking to me, I must continue). This is the first chapter of many.**_

_**I have a LOT of projects underway, so bear with me if updates start sporadic. I eventually hope to plot out a writing and posting schedule after I move next week. In the meantime, the muse swung by and brought you this chapter. REVIEW! Reviewers will be treated to surprises in the future like outtakes, teasers not posted elsewhere and advance hints, as well as the right to ask questions (which I will mostly answer ;) ). **_

_**Follow me on Twitter for updates on all of my projects: casket4myfanfic**_

_**Huge thanks to megsly, who is my story pimp, who encouraged me to write this in the first place and is one of my fave people to WC with. Check out her story Horizons if you've somehow missed it; I adore it and there's a sequel soon!**_

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* * *

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The light click of the keys as Bella drafted a letter to the parlour's ink supplier with regards to a shipment loaded with errors and incorrect charges soothed her nerves, the drone and repetitive noise her personal metronome. The shop had been quiet thus far, the only other staff member on site being Mike Newton, the goofy and somewhat tedious body piercing specialist Ronan employed at Breaking Dawn Designs. Thankfully, he'd seen the Venti latte she'd clung to as a talisman and realized that this was one of _those _days. He'd steered clear of Bella's disgruntled face as she'd slammed down her purse and began loading Ronan's ink wells and tossing needles into the sterilizer. Half of her second coffee of the day safely stowed in her stomach, her mood had significantly improved, her face relaxing as her eyes drank in the sunlight streaming through the slats of the blinds, casting shadows in the corners and cascading along the worn leather chairs in the waiting area.

A sudden tinkling of wind chimes caught her ear and Bella turned, smiling slyly as Ronan stumbled through the door with a Venti of his own, holding his head in his right hand. He scarcely grumbled a greeting at his apprentice, his black t-shirt rumpled, his left eye slightly swollen, the temple bruised. _Emily 1, Ronan 0_, Bella mused, returning to her monitor and pressing save on the document. It was only a matter of time before -

"BELLA!"

Bella stifled a laugh as Mike's snicker carried over to the reception desk. _And it's show time at the Apollo!_ Bella's eyes sparkled with devious delight as she strolled over to the disgruntled man shaking a fist before a work table and mirror adorned with photos of two young singers. Smoothing the Pixies t-shirt she'd nabbed from Edward's closet, she feigned innocence.

"Yes, Ronan?"

"Why the FUCK is my station a shrine to Rihanna and Chris Brown?"

Bella smiled, "I'm sorry, Ronan. I thought you liked Rihanna."

Her mentor grimaced, reaching out to tear down an especially lovey-dovey photo of the former couple, crumpling it in his large fist and tossing it at Bella's head. Bella dodged the projectile, her ponytail swaying wildly as she giggled. _Payback is a bitch, ain't it?_ Ronan sighed, holding his bruised temple in his hand as he settled into the black leather chair at his station with a groan.

"Emily is more trouble than she's worth. All women are. What's wrong with you, anyway? Why must you make the lives of men so goddamn difficult?"

"Revenge for menstrual cycles?" Bella suggested, "We're cursed with original sin, Ronan. Maybe if Adam had gone down on Eve and kept her busy, she might not have gone out into the garden to snake charm."

"Very funny, Swan," Ronan spat out, "By the way, I'm sorry about the abrupt exit. Did you sleep in the truck again?"

"Actually..."

Bella's voice trailed away as Edward sauntered through the parlour door, his unkempt bronze locks shimmering in the bright midday sun streaming through the windows. His emerald green tee set off his eyes in a way that left her heart skipping, her breath caught in her throat. _He's so beautiful. And he's mine... I think?_ Edward eyed the workstation and chuckled, earning a muttered obscenity from Ronan, who buried his shaved head in his hands.

"I never knew you were down with the urban music, Ronan. That's a mighty impressive shrine."

"Fuck you, Cullen. Why are you here? Do we have an appointment? Christ, Bella, tell me my schedule's clear today."

"Your schedule's clear today," Bella chirped, "Except for the woman coming at six for touch-ups."

"Touch-ups I can handle. Now clean this shit up, please!" Ronan begged, "And if you don't have an appointment, why are you here, Edward?"

Edward flushed slightly, and Bella turned quickly to removing all but one of the photos plastered on the mirror. _Why am I ready to giggle like a little girl? Pathetic, Swan. Pathetic_!

"I do have an appointment, Ronan. It's just not with you this time," Edward's husky voice replied.

"Wait... What?"

Bella suddenly wished she'd left her hair down as she pivoted towards her boss, her face flushing with embarrassment. Ronan finding out about where she'd spent the night was one thing; she was hardly a child, and Ronan could never play a saint, not with the stories he so frequently regaled Bella with about his days as a roadie. But Edward seeking out Bella, a mere apprentice, for ink? That was another matter entirely, one that any artist would view testily. Bella had insisted, ordered, then, as Edward's coy grin broke down her defenses over French toast and dark roast coffee, begged, but he was adamant that Bella be the one to mark him this time. This could grow ugly very, very quickly and Bella cursed herself for springing the Ode to Domestic Disturbia upon her boss before Edward's arrival.

Edward cocked his head towards Bella, his face neutral, "Bella is designing my next piece for me. Hopefully we can get it underway today."

Ronan's eyes widened, his gaze sweeping from Bella's wringing hands to Edward's cool demeanor, Bella's lips parted to speak then quickly fell mute, her vicious mind making quick work of its latest condemnations. _You ungrateful bitch! Ronan took you in, gave you an outlet for all of your sorrow and rage, and this is how you repay him? What's the cardinal sin, according to him? You don't steal regulars. You establish your own, on your own merits. God, it really is all about you, isn't it? Just like that night in La Push_.

"_Bella_ is doing a piece for you?"

_You're truly delusional if you believe for one second that you'll still have an apprenticeship after today. You can't stop destroying everything that comes your way. Chaos fuels you, doesn't it? You thrive on misery. Not even _murder_ is beneath you, Bella Swan _-

Bella watched Edward shrug, "Relax, Ro. This particular piece is suited for her. We have to break her in, now don't we?"

"She hasn't actually inked anyone yet, Edward," Ronan protested, forcing a straight face, "And tattoos are forever."

Bella felt her head begin to spin, kaleidoscopic colours flooding her field of vision. A hand reached out to grip the work station behind her, steadying her swaying knees. _No. It wasn't… I didn't mean for her to _–

"I have confidence in her talents," Edward declared, his eyes drifting to Bella's. His face was that of an insect, many pupils, features multiplied as a scream caught within her throat. Her left hand absently reached to her navel, thumbing the piercing there as sound grew watery, muffled like that night as they'd wrenched her battered body from the waves.

"Bella?" His lyrical voice broke through the din, a port in the storm raging within.

_The blood. The eyes, so lifeless. The crying. The screaming._

_"What have you done?!"_

_So much blood_…

Bella faded to black.

* * *

"Maybe we should call an ambulance!"

"She's going to be alright, Edward. Give her a few minutes," Ronan mumbled, draping a cool cloth over her head.

Edward grimaced, his hands brushing aside stray tendrils of Bella's wavy locks. His stomach knotted at the angle of her head, how it lolled against the cool leather of the chair, unmoving and unseeing. The way her limbs sat, unnaturally posed along the curves of her side, reminded him of that day he'd come home from the store, the house motionless and hollow, its soul ripped free. Up the stairs, the seventeen stairs he'd counted each day as he struggled with his desire to flee, he'd found his father weeping at his mother's side, Carlisle's tears luminous orbs that fell haphazardly along the stillness of what was once life. Edward remembered a TV special, how some experts claimed that humans lose 21 grams of weight as they die – the supposed weight of the soul. What was lost in Esme's sunken cheeks and emaciated torso seemed far greater as Edward had stood clutching the oak frame, the carton of eggs tumbling to the ground, shattering as his heart was rent asunder. _She's alive. I'm going to save her! I won't lose her too_. His old friend panic reared its head, chomping at the bit to run free, to carry him deep into its labyrinths of irrationality and insanity.

"She's been out for five minutes," Edward whispered hoarsely.

Ronan sighed, "Oh fuck. Edward, you didn't. Tell me you didn't."

"Didn't what?"

"You didn't fuck her, did you?"

Edward's stunned silence was taken for an answer, and a sharp hand struck his bicep, Ronan shaking his head and grumbling. Confusion sunk in, his eyes searching his artist friend's face for a clue as to why this seemed to be the end of the world. And they hadn't fucked – not in Edward's mind. Fucking was something you did without feeling, with hasty kisses and discarded clothes, and half-hearted promises to call the next day that neither party expected nor desired to uphold. What he and Bella had shared last night (and this morning in the shower, much to Edward's surprised satisfaction) went beyond a fuck.

It was salvation.

"It's complicated, Ronan."

"You don't get it, do you? You're playing with fire here, man! I didn't tell you to grab a few drinks with her last night so she could become your latest in the dick-deep then discard pile! I just figured you could shed your tears in a few beers and go home. Shit…"

Edward seethed, "Bella isn't like that, Ronan. Not that it's truly your fucking business, but I happen to like her."

"Whatever," Ronan shrugged, "Just know that if you screw this up, your death wish will come true, Sandman fan. I'll kill you myself, if her dad doesn't find you first."

"I'll beat both of you to it if –"

"Mmm…"

Edward's attention quickly returned to the now stirring woman on the chair, his hand reaching out to caress her cheek. Her lips turned upward slightly at the contact, a formless murmur escaping Bella as her eyes slowly fluttered open. Confusion sank in, her hands gripping the hand rests as she struggled upright, her eyes rolling back as she quickly slumped once more, cursing under her breath.

"Easy, Bella; you fainted," Edward cautioned.

"Shit! Was anyone watching? Oh God," Bella moaned, struggling to press upright again, "Get me up!"

"No one was here except us," Ronan replied, pressing her back down, "Lie still, damn it! Panic attack?"

Edward's eyes widened. _Panic attack? Over what? Bella never told me she suffers panic attacks._ His heart sank as reality chastised him, his hand reaching for hers as she continued to protest Ronan's orders. _She hasn't told me anything, really. When could she? We're sort of running into this head-first_.

"I think so... It's been a while," Bella mumbled, "Guess I was hoping they were over with."

"Seeing this bastard's ugly mug is enough to make anyone panic," Ronan joked, jerking his thumb towards Edward.

"Oh God!" Bella gasped, her cheeks flushing crimson, "You're here! How goddamn embarrassing!"

Edward shook his head, leaning forward to plant a light kiss upon her cheek, "Don't be silly, Bella. Like I'm about to judge you for something like that."

"But-"

"We met in _therapy_, Bella," Edward insisted, "Please stop berating yourself. Don't make me sic Jones on you."

"Fuck you!" Bella spat, her anger giving way quickly to laughter, "Granola baptism!"

"Granola _what_?" Ronan asked.

"Inside joke," Edward explained, offering his hands to Bella, "You can sit up, but you're taking it slow."

Bella's delicate hands slipped reluctantly into his, an expression of seeming shame clouding her features as she allowed Edward to pull her to an upright position. She swung her denim-clad legs to the side, dangling them in the air as she tugged her hair loose, messy waves tumbling to meet her shoulders. _She's so independent_, Edward noted to himself, _She's not one to admit to needing help. She'd rather take care of herself_. Her cheeks still flushed, gaze averted to the sneakers upon her feet, Bella mumbled her thanks.

"You should take the afternoon off, Bella. Go grab some proper rest," Ronan said gently, leaning back against the work station.

"What? No! I'm scheduled, and I'm supposed to finish those orders-"

"Bella, it's dead. It's fine."

Bella's eyes flickered to Edward, then back to Ronan, "But I have to help Edward with his new-"

"_Edward_ can wait for new ink. Right?" Ronan asked, his blue eyes icily glaring at the man beside him, "He really shouldn't be asking such a huge task of you so soon into your apprenticeship as it is. It's probably what set you off."

Edward winced. _Did I set her off? Goddamn it! You're already hurting her, already breaking her down. Why couldn't you just stay away, Edward? Why couldn't you leave this poor girl be? You're a selfish prick!_ Edward stepped back, suddenly feeling unworthy of proximity to the fragile beauty before him. Bella spun around, her lower lip trembling as she met Edward's eyes, and he felt his heart begin to break. _You put that pain there, you ass. You did that to her_. Her hand drifted out to touch his, fingers dragging across his palm, clawing at his wrist.

"No! It wasn't that, Ronan. Edward, really, it wasn't you."

Ronan shrugged, "All I know is he walked in and you dropped-"

Bella glared at Ronan, struggling to her feet, "It wasn't about _him_. Stop it!"

"Bella, be careful," Edward whispered, his guilt weighing heavily upon each word, the syllables strained.

"I'm not glass; I won't shatter," Bella snapped, pressing onto her toes to meet Ronan's furrowed expression head-on, "Ronan, I love you dearly, but kindly go fuck yourself and take your Emily drama out on someone else. I think I'll take your offer after all and go home. I'm sure my dad's pissed at me, knowing I ditched out of group. I should go make dinner and soothe his silent rage."

Ronan nodded slightly, his body tensed, "I just don't want to see you-"

"I know. Trust me?"

With a sigh, Ronan threw his arms around Bella's slight frame, dwarfing her in a tight embrace, "Run along then, and give my regards to the Chief. I promise you, next time, there will be no bar brawls."

Bella shook her head, "Oh please. Don't promise the impossible. See you Tuesday?"

"Bright and early... Edward?"

Edward halted, his hand upon the exit door. He'd backed away slowly, proverbial tail tucked between his legs at Bella's frustration, feeling it best he leave, lest he create more misery in the wake of his toxic tongue. He remained motionless, unable to speak, strangled by the bile of remorse in the back of his throat.

"I was apparently out of line, according to little sister. I'm sorry, bro."

Edward shrugged, "I think you might be right."

Bella groaned, storming towards the reception desk, her hand reaching beneath it for her purse. Her hair swung over her porcelain face, obscuring the vexation behind its thick veil.

"Oh for fuck's sake!"

"Either way, her opinion is what matters. But I stand by what I said earlier."

"As do I," Edward said quietly.

With a grunt, Bella slammed into Edward's chest, her purse striking just an inch shy of his groin, "Outside, _NOW_!"

Baffled, Edward pushed out into the sunlight, wincing as his eyes adjusted to its brilliance. Sunny days in this particular region of Washington State were such a rarity, Edward had not bothered to replace the sunglasses he'd broken eight months prior. Tears welling up at the shock of white flooding his sight, Edward blinked hard, bringing Bella back into focus. She stood with her arms crossed, her hair horribly askew, her jeans slipping down her right hip, exposing the jut of bone. It occurred to him now as he drank her in, all lust brushed aside in his regret, that she suffered as much as he. The faint circles beneath her warm brown eyes, the pale, almost translucent skin of her cheeks, even the ill fit of her clothing betrayed her soul's unrest. Edward plunged his hands into his jeans, nervously thumbing the belt that held his own pants up. _I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to cause you any harm_. Her right foot began to tap out a steady rhythm on the cracked sidewalk, her shoulders shuddering.

"Bella, I'm-"

"If you apologize Cullen, I will walk away and never speak to you again."

Edward frowned, biting his tongue. _I can't even apologize for what I've done_?

"Better," Bella continued, her voice more of a growl then her usual soft soprano, "Edward, Ronan is hyperprotective of me. It's at turns heartwarming and assinine. But he means well, so I allow him his macho bravado."

"He has every right to want to protect you from me -"

"STOP!" Bella screamed, "Just stop! Am I invisible?"

"No-"

"Do you trust me to know my own panic attacks?"

Edward frowned, "I-"

"Edward, it wasn't your request. It was something else. If you'd been an ass, I would tell you. I've already told you, haven't I?"

Edward nodded, wincing as he recalled her scathing condemnation of him outside the hospital. _Was that really only yesterday_?

"I don't appreciate you trying to duck out like that just now," Bella continued, her hand reaching out for his, "Yes, I saw that shit. I don't even have your number yet to call and bitch you out, Doucheward. How fair is that to skulk away?"

Edward smiled wanly, "Ronan has my number on file."

"And he would have tried to keep me from it, and inevitably I'd have to break his hand. I'd probably break my own damn hand instead n the process. So don't, alright?" Bella pleaded, edging closer, "Don't... Just don't leave me like that."

Edward's hand gingerly reached for her, brushing her hair aside and revealing moist eyes and a wrinkled brow. She closed her eyes as his fingers grazed her cheekbone, sighing softly as he traced it from nose to ear, the softness of her skin mesmerizing to him. She was so delicate, yet so determined; she was a paradox. And this connection between them, Edward mused sadly, was Pandora's Box. What they'd unleashed could very well be their ruin.

"Shall I walk you to your truck, my Bitchella?" Edward asked, keeping his tone as light as possible.

"Please?"

Taking her hand, Edward led Bella down the short block to the bar, where she'd parked the pick-up the previous night. The thing was ancient but Bella loved it, as she'd explained over brunch; it was a gift from her father three years ago, when she'd moved to Forks after her mother's murder. He'd purchased it, she'd related sadly, from the father of her ex-boyfriend, Billy Black. A part of Edward wondered if she clung to the truck partially out of pain at that loss, for reasons Bella refused to discuss, beyond 'something terrible happened.'

"There's my baby," Bella declared proudly as they turned the corner behind Scruffy's, "Tried and true, and solid as a rock."

"I'm shocked it still starts, let alone accelerates. Are you sure you don't foot pedal it, Flintstones style?" Edward quipped.

"Laugh it up. My truck has never failed me, and never will. It'll probably outlive me, at any rate."

Edward drew to a halt, spinning Bella towards him, "If that truck is as close to its last gasp as I believe it is, then I hope you're very, very wrong."

Bella's arms wrapped around him, her body stretching onto her toes as he leaned down to kiss her. Their mouths met in a gentle collision, Edward's lips tingling with an electricity born of sheer need for the woman he drew ever closer, his tongue melding with hers, every movement in perfect unison. She tasted of coffee and mint, and traces of vanilla, her own lips soft and yielding as the kissing grew more frantic, Edward's hands unable to resist roaming the length of her torso, past her hips and to her ass, grabbing it tightly. Bella's hips ground against him, a soft moan rumbling in her pale throat as her hand found his stirring erection, stroking it through his jeans. Edward pulled her against the door of the truck, his own head slamming against the cab as his hands slipped beneath her t-shirt, cupping her firm breasts through the lace of her bra. He growled as Bella sank her teeth into his lower lip, tugging lightly at his flesh and smiling in that wicked way he'd come to know in the shower that morning before she'd sunk to her knees.

"Fuck!" Edward muttered, his thumbs circling her nipples lightly.

"Again?" Bella murmured, "I'm not so sure about the outdoors in broad daylight."

"Very funny," Edward whispered, his mouth connecting with her jugular, sucking hard.

"Hickeys!" Bella squealed, "Police Chief father?"

Edward ran his tongue to her ear, nipping playfully at the lobe, "You're 21."

"And he won't care," Bella whispered, "You have to at least meet him before marking me."

Edward feigned an exasperated sigh, pulling back and chuckling at the blossom of crimson upon her throat, "Fair enough. Can I ask something?"

Bella smiled, "Sure. I might not answer."

"Your phone number?"

Bella laughed, reaching into her purse, "Get out your cell phone."

Edward obliged her, grinning as she snatched his phone away, passing him her own. Without any hesitation, Edward programmed his number into her phone, under "Doucheward Hotsex", passing it back with a wink. Bella chuckled as he flipped to his own directory and burst into laughter at her own entry: "Bitchella Badass".

"Great minds," Edward mused.

"Well, we are both mentally disturbed. It seems fitting."

"I guess you should get back to Forks before your dad calls the FBI," Edward said softly, pressing his lips to the top of her head, inhaling the scent of her shampoo.

"Yeah. But I'll call tonight... I mean, if that's okay."

"Please?"

Edward felt as if his heart were being torn from his chest as he stepped away, allowing Bella to unlock the driver's side door. Her footing wavered as she climbed into the cab, her hand pressing to her temple briefly before she thrust the key into the ignition. The truck turned over easily, much to his surprise and sorrow. Part of him had hoped it wouldn't start, that she wouldn't be able to leave him – at least, not yet. Overhead, the sun diminished, a large grey cloud rolling by in a moment of pathetic fallacy that seemed born of fairy tales. Bella rolled her shoulders back, a hand running through her dishevelled locks as she adjusted the rearview mirror, her hand seemingly aglow in the dim cab.

Edward's chest tightened as her gaze turned to him, her hand toying absently with her keychain._ I can't let her leave, _Edward realized.

"Let me drive you home," Edward blurted out suddenly.

"What?"

Swallowing hard, Edward stepped towards the truck, his hand reaching inside to grasp hers, "You look exhausted from that attack. If anything were to happen on the drive..."

"Edward, I'll be okay-"

"I'd die, Bella. I'll drive."

"I can't leave my truck-"

"We'll take the truck, then," Edward insisted, the gnawing anxiety that had flooded him moments before as the engine roared to life fast dissipating.

"B-but how will you get back h-here?" Bella stammered.

"My sister Alice will drive me. She comes shopping once a week. I should probably visit the homestead, anyway."

"Are you sure?"

"Consider it good therapy. Besides, it'll let my dad bitch me out in person for flipping off The Hippy," Edward grinned.

Bella's face broke into a wide grin, and Edward's heart soared at the beauty of the sight, "Alright, then. But only because it's therapeutic for you."

Bella slid over to the passenger side as Edward threw open the door, giggling as he struck his knee on the side of the cab with his graceless hop up into the truck. He playfully smacked her arm, earning one in return, the two of them erupting into a slapping and tickling war that ended with Bella strewn across his lap, laughing and gasping for mercy. A passing group of teenage boys hooted and hollered as Bella pulled herself back up from beneath the wheel and her face flushed pink, her hands tugging her hair across her cheeks nervously.

"To Forks?" Edward asked, grinning.

"Homeward bound," Bella replied, "Time to face the music."

Nestling her head against his shoulder, Bella was asleep two minutes after Edward pulled onto the highway, a faint smile crossing her lips. Reaching into his pocket, Edward pulled out his cell phone, pressing the '2' button down and swallowing hard as the phone rang. His call kicked straight to voicemail, a small mercy, and he spoke softly at the tone so as not to awaken his sleeping beauty.

"Hey Dad, it's me. The prodigal I am, I thought I'd let you know that I'm swinging into Forks tonight and... I know you're pissed at me, but I'm coming home. See you soon."

It was a lie, his declaration; he felt it the moment he flipped the phone shut. He wasn't coming home at all, not to them, no matter how much he loved his family underneath his personal war.

With Bella at his side, he was already there.


	3. Chapter 3

_**AN: You are all wonderful and I love you so.**_

_**I know that people are seeking more lemon action - can't say I blame you - but being as this story began with the focus being merely the present and two broken people coming together, I now have the room to bring light to why they are so broken. This chapter is a flashback and contains dark images. I promise hot lemon goodness of great proportions by chapter 5. Deal?  
**_

_**PLEASE REVIEW! Reviewers will be treated to surprises in the future like outtakes, teasers not posted elsewhere and advance hints, as well as the right to ask questions (which I will mostly answer ;) ). **_

_**Follow me on Twitter for updates on all of my projects: casket4myfanfic**_

_**Huge thanks to megsly (OMG Horizons is done soon :( ) and a shout out to jakeward, whose Behind The Reel is epic win RPF.**_

_**

* * *

**_

_Stay low  
Soft, dark, and dreamless  
Far beneath my nightmares and loneliness  
I hate me  
For breathing without you  
I don't want to feel anymore for you_

_Grieving for you  
I'm not grieving for you  
Nothing real love can't undo  
And though I may have lost my way  
All paths lead straight to you_

_I long to be like you  
Lie cold in the ground like you…_

Like You – Evanescence

**THREE**

_December, 2006 (Three years ago)_

It felt heavier than she'd imagined it would, staring at it over the last week in its holster. Unsnapping it now and withdrawing it from its leather sheath, her hand wavered beneath the metal's mass, her wrist trembling.

Or was it fear?

She'd awaited this moment, longed for it, craved it as a drowning man craves oxygen as his lungs inflate with salted sea. The hovering, the media and their inquiries, the lawyers and police… All of it had kept her hostage from her one desire, the light at the end of this tunnel where nothing was real, save her pain. It was there when she awoke, cradling her in its thorny arms, a leech beneath her skin. It burrowed into her ear, a shrieking that gave way to the droning truth of the wasps whispering with each waking moment, her throat closing as if it were a fist, strangling all protest: _It's your fault she died_.

A single tear slid down her cheek as her hand caressed the cool muzzle of the .357 Magnum revolver, and she brushed it away absently. _Don't cry. The guilty aren't allowed to cry. _If she'd been there, as she'd promised… If she hadn't let her go out alone into the night… But she had. And they'd been there.

Charlie had tried to keep her from seeing the surveillance footage, his sturdy hands pressing against Bella's shoulders, forcing her back out of the office as he shouted for the deputy to kill the playback. But she'd seen everything: the men, surrounding her mother; the purse brutally ripped from her grasp; and her mother's face, baby blue eyes wide and weeping, her thin lips wrapped around the barrel of a Glock rammed deep into her throat.

They were behind bars, awaiting trial; the stills from the video had ensured their swift capture. They were amateurs, petty crooks looking for money to fuel their next fix. Her mother had simply stopped at the wrong gas station at the wrong time. And when the attendant had wandered around back, they'd panicked, the gun going off by accident, showering the back door of the BP station in bone and tissue. 'She didn't feel a thing, Bells,' her father attempted to assure her, but she knew better. She'd felt fear, clawing at her from within. She'd felt their hands, callused yellowed fingertips bruising her tanned arms. She'd felt the metal scrape against her teeth, felt her airway obstructed by its girth.

She wanted to feel it too.

Her hand brought the gun slowly upwards, the dim light of the moon outside reflecting a spark in the dark study, and she thought of the mechanics of a gun. Did it burn, being shot in the mouth? Did the gunpowder scorch the throat, sear the tender tissue of tongue and taste buds? Did the brain receive the message of pain before shutting down forever? Was her death faster than a speeding bullet?

Her lips parted reluctantly, awaiting their new intimate acquaintance. She licked them, biting the lower lip anxiously as she examined the safety, struggling to recall her father's directions over summers past. Did it matter? Did any of it matter now? Everything seemed so trivial, so meaningless in the framework of a world where a mother could be murdered for $60 and a Visa card. Right now, she and her mother would have been preparing to put up the Christmas tree, with its plethora of ridiculous childhood crafts cum ornaments and enough tinsel to truss up a thousand turkeys; instead, she stood here, still in her funeral attire, exhaling carbon dioxide while her mother's body began to decompose across the country in a small plot in Resthaven Park Cemetery.

Closing her eyes, Bella pressed the muzzle between her lips, her teeth clicking against the steel. Hesitantly, her tongue pressed forward, the tip reaching out to run along the rim. She gagged slightly, a chemical taste flooding her senses, saliva pooling in her cheeks as her entire body began to shake. In her mind, she could hear her mother's voice, a distant memory of her first dance recital:_ "Don't be afraid, Bella! It's an adventure!"_ With a soft whimper, Bella pressed the gun deeper into her mouth –

"Bells? Are you down - OH MY GOD, BELLA, NO!"

The wan light washed over her, her fingers slipping on the grip as her father rushed forward, his face ashen and twisted in fear. The gun fell to the floor and he grabbed her roughly, tugging her towards him, strong arms enveloping her frame. It connected with the oak flooring with a loud bang that reverberated through the otherwise silent house, a violent sound that sent Bella's palms pressing against her ears, begging for peace.

"Bella, what are you doing?!" Charlie demanded, stepping back and staring her down.

"I… The gun…"

"What are you thinking?! Bella, that's a GUN!"

Tears streamed down her cheeks as the terror in her father's voice broke through the bees and their incessant buzzing in her skull, "I needed to know…"

"Needed to know what? Bells, talk to me, damn it!" Charlie Swan's entire body shook as he smoothed Bella's hair, his grip upon her arm painful.

"I NEEDED TO KNOW WHAT SHE FELT!" Bella sobbed, her knees buckling as the grief overtook her.

She felt her father lower her to the study floor as her fists closed tightly, striking at her thighs as he rocked her gently, murmuring softly against her unkempt hair. The wasps grew louder, her sobs buried beneath their accusations, the words she dared not say aloud. Her chest ached and strained to contain a heart swollen with a sorrow so vast, Bella now understood Atlas and his burden. She'd once believed she understood sadness, believed she'd charted its depths and boundaries through unrequited crushes and the disappointments of teenage trivialities. She realized now that she knew nothing. She'd mapped the oceans from a raindrop.

"Bella, you can't leave me," Charlie whispered, pulling her closer.

"I wasn't… The metal…" Bella gasped for air, her head beginning to spin, "I miss her so much!"

"I miss her too," her father replied softly.

"I can't do this!" Bella wailed.

"You can. But not yet."

Gently, Charlie pulled her to her feet, throwing her left arm around his shoulder to steady her shuddering frame. The bitter taste of tears and mucus slid down the back of her throat as her sobbing grew louder, rivalling the loathing within her head. His arm steadying her waist, Charlie walked her carefully upstairs, past the bathroom to her old childhood bedroom, now her home… No. This would never truly be home. It would always be the place she was brought because her mother was gone, gone forever because of her selfishness. Her body buckled as if struck in the stomach, Charlie quickly tightening his grip as she screamed, the world shattering away into a shower of crystalline shards of the prism that once defined the colours of her life, infinite combinations of shade and hue. Now, there was only darkness, blanketing her as Charlie's arm swept beneath her knees, lifting her into the air and laying her gently in her bed. Her body contracted into a ball, and it struck her that this was the fetal position, the way she'd spent her time within her mother. If she coiled tightly, would her mother surround her anew?

"Bella, breathe," Charlie urged, tucking the blankets over her.

"It's too hard," Bella whispered hoarsely, choking back a sob.

"I'll help you."

Bella winced as her father lay beside her, holding her hand as she wept. Charlie wasn't one to express emotion; he didn't hug, didn't dote and fawn over his daughter. He loved in his own way, the way Bella herself tended to love others. His kindness was too much, too like her overly touchy mother and her persistent questions. Shutting her eyes tightly, his words resonated above the endless chorus of_ my fault my fault_ in her brain:

"Inhale… Exhale… Inhale…"

Her fingers clawed the mattress as she struggled to obey, envisioning Mission Beach, where her mother had taken her as a child. The waves rolled in lazily as she inhaled, the water cool on her bare toes, rolling out as she shuddered and exhaled. Water represented purification, baptism; it washed away sins. Could she ever be clean again? Could her mother's blood not stain her tiny hands? Her mind consumed by a feverish need to visit La Push and its beaches, Bella sank into a fitful sleep.

* * *

Her hair fluttered in the breeze rolling in from the water, her sneakers sinking into the damp sand of the beach, a dusting of snow streaking fallen logs and smooth grey rocks nearby. She plunged her hands deeper into the pockets of her brown cordouroy jacket, her right hand thumbing the photo she carried everywhere now, the glossy finish marred by faint scratches and the loops and whorls of her prints. From behind her, steady footsteps approached, eliciting a curse from her lips.

"Everyone was looking for you," the husky voice whispered.

"Well, I'm not looking for them," Bella snapped, her eyes fixed on the water, "And I'm fine. You can go back."

"You shouldn't be alone at a time like this."

Bella pivoted angrily, the tears welling up without warning or her willing them so, "A time like what, exactly? A time of holiday cheer? What cheer? A time of sorrow, then? I thought the experts insist there's no wrong way to grieve. My way is alone. Go away!"

"Bella, we all just worry-"

"Screw your worry! You don't know me, Jacob Black. You know a girl in pigtails, flinging mud pies at your face. You have no idea what I'm going through, what I've lost. Don't act as if you do."

Bella kicked the ground, pebbles and a lone feather scattering towards the hulking Quileute boy, the son of her father's best friend. Billy had insisted that she and Charlie join them to celebrate their version of Christmas after Charlie had confessed she was refusing to celebrate. The joy and love in the Clearwater home, where everyone had converged, was too much for Bella to bear. Her eyes pressed closed as she drifted to another place, another time in her life.

"_Bella, watch out!"_

CRASH!

"_Um, I think we lost that one, Mom."_

_Renee chuckled at the scattered ceramic pieces alongside the synthetic pine tree, "What, Krazy Glue can't fix it?"_

"_Not even Krazy Glue is that crazy. I'll get the broom-"_

"_Oh no you don't! You'll find a way to nip an artery. I'll get it, Bella."_

"I'm sorry about your mom, Bella," Jacob whispered quietly, his long black tresses framing his angled face.

"Everyone's sorry. But no one is more sorry than I."

A crunch of debris cut through the ebb and flow of the tide and the absent chirping of birds, and a third form emerged, trudging alongside the water. Bella didn't recognize him by name, although she knew he'd stopped by the party earlier, speaking mostly with Seth Clearwater. His shaved head seemed to glow under the fiery orange setting sun, his black leather jacket loose and worn at the elbows. Jacob glanced at him, nodding politely but viewing him askance. Bella rolled her eyes, glancing back at the water, at its soothing motion. Why couldn't everyone just leave her alone?

"Didn't think this beach would be so crowded," the man said softly, "Party I don't know about?"

"No party," Jacob replied, "I was just taking a walk to look for Bella-"

"And I don't bloody well want to be found right now! Screw it; I'm going home," Bella snapped, pushing past Jacob.

Jacob's large hand wrapped about her bicep, jerking back towards his broad chest. He seemed to radiate heat, even through the thick bomber jacket he wore. Bella hesitated to pull away, suddenly drawn to the warmth of him, reminded of the heat of a Phoenix summer's day. In her mind, she saw the cactus plants, the sand, the shimmering of sun beams cutting through the sporadic shadows cast by buildings and cars. She missed the sun. She missed _light_.

"Bella, you know you can lean on me, if you feel bad about leaning on Charlie," Jacob whispered in her ear.

His breath upon her skin scorched her, her pulse pounding beneath the surface. He was too close. People couldn't be too close, not ever again. Her hands shoved against his chest, her feet stumbling backwards, nearly tripping over a damp branch fallen from a tree. Jacob reached out to steady her but she shook her head violently, waving his help away.

"Bella, why don't you come back inside?"

"NO! Jacob, just _stop_! Go away! I need to be alone," Bella protested, stomping further along the shore, her body shuddering.

The sound of retreating steps brought Bella a moment of peace, and she shut her eyes, allowing the gathering winds to move her body, bending to its will. A tear welled up in her left eye and she swiped at it, embarrassed. Crying would solve nothing. Crying would not bring her mother back.

"I lost my mother two years ago," a deep voice said behind her, "Bystander at a gang drive-by."

Bella spun around, locking eyes with the man from the party. In her anger at Jacob's persistent meddling, she'd forgotten he was still there. Jamming her hands further into her pockets, Bella swallowed hard, his mournful expression turning her stomach.

"I'm sorry."

"Thank you," he said gently, edging closer, "I come out here when I miss her. She loved beaches."

Bella's tongue caught between her nervously gnashing teeth and she cursed, spitting out blood. Her stomach coiled as the rusty scent filled her nostrils and she squeezed her eyes closed, willing herself to withstand the taste and not collapse in front of a stranger. She felt a hand upon her shoulder, gentle but firm. It didn't feel forceful like Jacob; it felt brotherly. She murmured her thanks, the distraction enough for the spins to subside.

"It's peaceful here. I come to sketch designs a lot here for work on my off days," he said, releasing the hold upon her.

Bella forced her eyes open, the colours swirling into the grey of the sky as she blinked them clear, "Sketching?"

"I'm a tattoo artist. I have my own shop in Port Angeles, co-owned with my friend Angela. She pierces."

Bella smiled, "That's awesome, to do something so creative. I've always admired tattoos and piercings, but they're impossible for me."

"Why's that?" He smiled kindly, green eyes twinkling.

"It's j-just... Nevermind," Bella stammered sheepishly.

Bella shrugged, her gaze turning back to the murky waters of La Push. A gull soared overhead, atypical for the time of year. Its wings spread wide, it cut a swath across the burning sun, heading south as it coasted along the breeze. _So free_...

"You know Bella, I'm a stranger, so you can feel free to tell me to fuck off. But having been there, losing someone so suddenly and violently... I need my alone time. I withdrew and just.. left life for a while. But the way out was through – it still is – and the best way through is with others. Talking does help, at the right times, with people who truly understand."

Bella glared at him, "Talk? Why talk? 'Talking is just masturbating without the mess.'"

"That's... apt"

"Not mine – a song lyric."

The man chuckled, "In any case, masturbation is healthy and normal, in the right amount. Isn't it a daily recommended habit? Or did I make that up when I was twelve?"

Bella stared at him a moment, her cheeks flushing pink as her breath caught then expelled in a burst of laughter, "What the fuck?!"

"You laughed! A-ha!"

Bella shook her head, "Fucker. Who are you, anyway?"

The man smiled, "Something she doesn't know. Uncomfortable feeling for a smart ass, I wager. Takes one to know. Name's Ronan O'Leary."

Bella accepted his outstretched hand, shaking her head, "Should have known you were an Irish hothead. Bella Swan."

"I know," Ronan grinned, "Seth told me. He has a little crush on you, I think."

Bella groaned, "I don't want to know about that. What kind of name is Ronan? Isn't that, like, a type of samurai or something?"

"You're thinking Ronin," he replied, reaching down to seize a smooth, flat grey stone in his left hand, "And it's my name. You're not one to talk, Beautiful Swan. Was Ugly Duckling already taken in the family?"

Bella shoved Ronan forcefully, seething as he chuckled and stepped back, "Fuck you! What do you know about me?"

"I know you're the chief's one and only child. I know we share the loss of a mother and a desire to bear that alone. You're also sarcastic and headstrong, as am I. I'm also betting you have a mod in mind that you want desperately, in spite of your fear of blood, one you debate day and night. Am I getting warm?"

Bella winced, her eyes averting to her sneakered feet. He'd pegged her, alright. How the hell did he know about her secret desire for a piercing? What about her simple attire and dull face betrayed her ache for the feel of metal through flesh? What body language bespoke her craving for a solution to her longing to be with her mother in spirit, to try and understand the unfathomable violence and rage that ripped her away in two minutes and thirty-seven seconds of grainy footage? Bella glanced up as Ronan skipped his stone along the turbulent waters bordering La Push, sinking after three short hops along the murky surface. As grating as he was, she found him comforting in a way Jacob surely longed to be, but could not provide her fractured soul. He understood that searing feeling blossoming beneath her epidermis, the osmosis pull of grief and despair that left her adrift, passing between the reality beyond her mind and the droning hive within.

"And what if I do? Want a mod, I mean," Bella asked quietly, "It's hopeless. I see blood, or smell it, and I get sick. I can't imagine anything entering my skin and not fainting. I'm pathetic," Bella grumbled, kicking the sand.

"Hey, it's common. But you wouldn't be the first to get one done in spite of that, and you'd probably be alright. The amount of blood truly is minimal for most mods. What did you want done?"

Bella shook her head, "No, you won't understand."

Ronan frowned, "Try me."

Bella shrugged, walking slowly along the shore, her feet sinking into the moist earth beneath, the slooshing sound strangely comforting. Ronan followed her, maintaining their three foot separation, humming softly to himself in a rich baritone. It reminded her of Charlie, how he hummed while fishing, fingers drumming along the smooth pole in a rhythm that seldom matched the song in his head. He was relentless, this relative stranger, in his pursuit of her truths. And for reasons she could not articulate, she felt compelled to spill forth her secrets, her fragile shell relinquishing its few pearls.

"A tongue piercing," Bella relented.

Ronan clicked his tongue, "Hmm, sometimes bloody. But it's not impossible."

Bella spun around, exasperated, "I'd taste the blood and vomit, Ronan. Not impossible?"

"Maybe you wouldn't. If your resolve is strong... If it means a lot to you, you'd be surprised at what can be achieved."

A memory struck Bella then, the image so vibrant, so rich in texture and sound and _smell_ that she felt herself buckle to her knees. Her mother smiled as she prepared tacos, the radio blaring an old song that Bella scarcely recalled. Her mother's messy hair struggled free of the ribbon restraining it, grazing her neck, caressing it lovingly. Her voice, high-pitched and slightly off-key, filled the kitchen with a richness that complimented the cumin and cayenne in the air.

"..._'Cause tattoos and scars are different things..._"

"Bella?" Ronan asked, crouching beside her, "Are you okay?"

"'Tattoos and scars are different things...'" Bella murmured.

"I know that one. Montgomery Gentry," Ronan noted, extending a hand and pulling her back to her feet, "I'm sorry. Did I say something-?"

"No, no... I just... " Bella's voice drifted away as her mother's visage haunted her, a phantom image trace streaking across her line of sight, "It does mean a lot to me. I just don't see how-"

"We can find a way," Ronan whispered, "Angela is really, really good at what she does. You could come watch a few and get used to it, see what to expect of your own experience. We can even do it after closing, so there won't be an audience."

Bella's jaw fell open, her eyes widening as they locked with Ronan's gaze, "You... Why are you offering this help?"

"It's simple: I've been there. I _am_ there. And I'm offering you what I've learned so far: 'Breathing is bridging the gap between black and light.'"

"That's beautiful."

"Not mine – a song lyric," Ronan deadpanned, "I'm serious, Bella; if you really want this piercing, I'll do whatever I can to make it happen."

For the first time in weeks, Bella smiled, "I appreciate that, more than I can say."

"Then shut up already and come back to the house. I think there's moonshine, and you're one big smile away from Seth forking it over."

Bella slapped Ronan hard in the chest, "Ew! He's like, barely pubescent! That's disgusting!"

"So's moonshine, but do you really want to be sober tonight?"

"Good point. Lead on, MacDuff."

"_Lay_ on. You're all beauty and no brains, aren't you, Swan?"

"Guess that explains why you got hit with the ugly stick, O'Leary: I took more than my fair share," Bella retorted playfully.

With his arm firmly about her shoulders, Ronan led Bella back along the mile of beach she'd coursed in her escape from all things joyous, the two of them spitting insults along the entire walk. A cold wind picked up, sending Bella's hair swirling upward, an unkempt mess of tangled waves framing her pale features, but she didn't mind. Somehow, as crazy as it sounded even to herself, there was a warmth beneath the chill, a gentle touch to the brisk pace of its travel, that soothed her psyche.

In the cold night, Bella felt the warmth of her mother's love, reaching from above to guide her back home.

* * *

**End Note: The songs referenced (in order):**

**Happiness and the Fish - Our Lady Peace**

**Tattoos and Scars - Montgomery Gentry**

**Souvenirs - The Gathering  
**


	4. Chapter 4

_**AN: **_

_**Fair warning, since I've been asked: you might need a tissue by the end of the one. We're back in the present now, with a little more focus on Edward.**_

_**Stay tuned for the end notes for an important announcement! :)  
**_

_**PLEASE REVIEW! Reviewers will be treated to surprises in the future like outtakes, teasers not posted elsewhere and advance hints, as well as the right to ask questions (which I will mostly answer ;) ). **_

_**Follow me on Twitter for updates on all of my projects: casket4myfanfic**_

_**

* * *

**_

**FOUR**

His cell phone rang as they entered the Forks town limits, typical of the strange sixth sense the caller had always exhibited. With a grumble, Edward fumbled for his phone, releasing his hold on Bella's slender arm. Her body stirred, her head lolling on his right thigh as she slept, her seat belt a strange sling about her frame.

"You're creepy, you know that?"

"And you haven't been home in five weeks, so what gives?"

Edward glanced down at Bella, smiling at her palm pressed against his knee, "I had... a reason to swing into town. Thought I should come by and make sure you hadn't bought everyone out of house and home."

The delicate female voice on the line chuckled, "I see your brooding backhanded comments remain intact in spite of your headshrinker. For your information, I've only bought two dresses this month. Enough about me; what's with dropping group? Carlisle's pissed."

"It wasn't helping," Edward snarled, "And it's really not your business."

"My brother getting therapy so I don't have to do CPR again on his near-corpse _is_ my business!"

Edward winced, the hurt in her voice shaking him from his bastion of bitterness, "Alice, you know I didn't mean-"

"Whatever. When are you getting here? And wait... That's not the Volvo you're driving. It's too noisy. Edward, what's going on?"

"Meet me at the Swan house in ten and I'll fill in a few blanks, alright? I had to leave the Volvo in Port Angeles," Edward sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose with the phone.

"The Swan house? Never mind – I'm on my way. I want answers, Edward," Alice added pointedly, "We're supposed to be best friends, above and beyond siblings, remember?"

Edward frowned, "I'm sorry."

"Buy me a new LAMB purse and I'll get over it. See you soon!"

Edward flipped his phone shut and tucked it carefully into his pocket, flipping the turn indicator for the main drag that would take them to Bella's house, a small detached home nestled on the southern side of town with deep green shutters and weary off-white paint. His foot eased off the gas pedal, his two speeding tickets courtesy of the chief suddenly coming to mind, and he drummed the steering wheel in time with the music on the radio. Led Zepplin's _D'Yer Mak'er _seguedinto _Light My Fire _by The Doors and Edward grinned, his mind slipping away to a memory branded upon his brain of a nude brunette, hair splayed in unkempt waves upon a pillow highlighted by the moon, her lips turned slightly upward in the faintest of smiles. He'd slept very little the night before, his mind captivated by the little nuances of Bella's slumber. The pale blue hue of the light cast from the window lent an unearthly pallor to her bare flesh, a halo adorning her heart-shaped features, and shadows fell along her torso, emphasizing the delicate swells of breasts and hips. He felt a pang in his chest as he took the turn for her home, saddened at the thought of a night spent alone, without her beauty as a talisman to ward off the thoughts that tormented his late hours.

The sun had begun to set, a burnt rust cutting across the blue-grey sky over the small house on the left. Much to Edward's relief, the chief's cruiser was not in its usual place; he'd had several encounters with Bella's father in his teens, none of which ended well. He was certain that her father would be far from jubilant when he learned that he and Bella were now acquainted. Swinging into the gravel driveway, Edward cut the engine for the surprisingly functional pick up truck, his fingers running the length of Bella's bare arm.

"Bella? You're home."

A mumble slipped from between her pursed lips, her eyes motionless beneath the veil of tangled brown strands of hair that had escaped their elastic prison, refusing to be restrained. Edward gently raised his knee and lowered it, Bella's head flopping from left to right. She groaned, her hand reaching to her cheek as her left eye squinted open with great reluctance.

"Hmm?"

"Bella, we're here. And thankfully, your father is not," Edward quipped.

Bella rubbed her eyes, slowly rising from her makeshift bed upon his lap, "I fell asleep?"

"About five minutes after we left Port Angeles," Edward confirmed, pressing his lips to the top of her head.

"That's rude of me. I'm sorry, Edward. Sometimes the attacks knock me on my ass for a while," Bella confessed sheepishly.

"It's fine. I like watching you sleep."

Bella's brow furrowed as she tugged the elastic from her hair, finger combing it with little success at taming its unruly waves, "You like watching me drool and snore? You really are not quite right in the head. Wait – how'd you know where I live?"

Edward laughed, "Your father's the chief of police, Bella. Every teenager in town knows your address out of self preservation."

"Bad boy, are you?" Bella grinned.

"Very. Care for me to prove it?"

Bella giggled, moving to straddle Edward's lap, "In my front driveway? What if my dad catches you compromising his only daughter's chaste nature?"

"There is _nothing_ chaste about the way you use your mouth," Edward growled, the heat of her above him bringing his entire body to attention.

Bella smiled slyly, her hands seizing his and sliding them beneath her shirt, "He doesn't know that, nor will he believe otherwise."

Edward's hands shifted higher, cupping her breasts over the flimsy lace of her bra, his thumb rolling over her nipples, "Even if I provide him with _hard_ evidence?"

Bella's breath hitched in her throat as Edward pressed his groin upwards, his hardening shaft connecting with her center. His mouth lunged at her throat, his kisses frantic upon her neck and shoulder as he continued to toy with her nipples, running circles around the sensitive flesh. Her hands buried themselves in his hair as she pulled his face to meet her lips; they crashed over his, the softness of them reigniting the insatiable hunger he'd felt last night in his bed. Her hips ground down against his, his shaft now engorged and straining desperately against the thick denim of his button fly jeans, and he bit her lower lip in frustration. Bella gasped, her hand fumbling between them, tugging loose the top button and then the next, her tongue pressing his mouth open, her kiss fiery, threatening to consume him completely. For a brief moment, he worried that her father would return and find them _in flagrante_, but then her hand was thrusting its way into his jeans, stroking his thick member over the cool cotton of his boxers, and all rational thought fell away to carnal control.

Bella leaned back, breaking their kiss with a gasping inhalation, "I'd definitely say there's _hard_ evidence here of my debauchery."

Edward's right hand snaked around to her back, quickly unfastening her bra, "Your actions are downright criminal, Ms. Swan."

Her stroking became firmer, faster, her fingers grazing the head of his shaft, "Then maybe you should cuff me and _take me_... away."

His left hand cupping her now bare breast, Edward's right hand dove between them, tugging her own jeans open with a ferocity that nearly tore the button away entirely. He shoved his hand deep inside, the silky panties wet with her lust. Tugging the thin material aside with a finger, Edward slid another straight into her waiting core, trembling as she moaned, her inner walls gripping him tightly.

"You are in so much trouble," he groaned.

Bella's hips bucked upwards and he took his opportunity to slide another finger deep inside of her, wetness pooling around his knuckles as he pressed up towards himself, circling her G-spot painfully slow. Her grip on him tightened and he leaned in to bite her neck, her hiss of pleasure sending a shudder through his spine.

"You should come inside," Bella gasped against his ear, "We have time."

"Not enough," Edward protested.

"Never enough for me," she whispered huskily, "But time."

"My sister-"

Edward was cut off by a sharp honking of a horn behind them. Bella gasped, her cheeks flushing crimson as her hand slipped free of his pants, her eyes darting from the yellow Porsche behind her truck to Edward's hand, still lodged firmly between her thighs. Edward shook his head, thrusting his fingers deeper as an intentional tease.

"My sister, Alice. Has the worst timing of anyone alive."

"Oh my God! What will she think of me?" Bella gasped, struggling to disengage from Edward's hips and hand and failing as Edward's free hand snaked around her waist, "Let me up!"

"My sister routinely has sex in common areas of our house and has no room to talk," Edward replied, withdrawing his wet fingers slowly, flicking them across her clitoris before abandoning her tight jeans.

Bella groaned, her eyes rolling back into her head briefly as she half-fell back into the passenger seat, "But still, she doesn't know me-"

Edward smiled, leaning over to kiss her gently, "She'll love you. I better go before she marches over here and makes you talk to her about clothing or purses or other tedious topics. I'll call you tonight, okay?"

Bella nodded, reaching over to button Edward's fly, "I'll be sitting by my phone."

Edward shook his head, "It might be a while. I'm sure Carlisle's got a lot to say about yesterday's display of hostility, never mind my refusal to visit the family."

Bella grimaced, "How long has it been?"

"Over a month, which is a year by his standards. Wish me luck?"

Bella threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly, "I'll be with you in spirit. Charlie's going to be pissed tonight."

A second honk pierced the evening and Edward groaned, pulling away and opening the truck door, "Tiny and annoying..."

"Good luck. Oh, and Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Don't be a Doucheward. The last thing I want is you under house arrest and me forced to take matters into my own hands," Bella remarked coyly.

"Don't you be a Bitchella; Charlie might take you away, and not in the 'tied to a bedpost' manner I would take you," Edward countered.

Edward smirked as Bella bit her lip, momentarily distracted before she shoved him playfully, her hand fumbling with her own jeans, "Deal. Now go!"

Edward made his way slowly towards the passenger side of the Porsche, ignoring Alice's impatient expression. He glanced back once, quickly, his green eyes freezing the image of Bella climbing slowly out of her truck and holding it in his mind, her messy hair lifted by the cool breeze outside. _Later. You're calling her later. Calm down!_ He shifted uncomfortably as he threw open the door and slid into the car still at half-mast from Bella's ministrations. Alice tapped the wheel briskly as she threw the car into reverse, careening out onto the street.

"I know you have a death wish, but boning the police chief's daughter in his driveway is excessive," Alice snapped.

"I wasn't 'boning' her. And I have no such death wish," Edward retorted, "At least, not anymore."

Alice took a sharp turn west along a side road, Edward's entire body swaying with the force, "Not anymore? What's that supposed to mean?"

Edward shrugged, his eyes cast out the window, counting the passing trees that lined the stretch of concrete, "Exactly what I said, Alice. Aren't you going to tell me how happy you are to see me?"

Alice slapped his leg, edging the car to a higher speed now they were safely away from Chief Swan's residence, "Of course I'm happy to see you! I've only called you every damn day – calls you never seem to answer, you ass. But you need to start talking about how a hissy fit about wanting the right to die in group therapy yesterday led to kink in a truck with Bella Swan and you suddenly loving life."

"I'm not even sure myself how it happened, Alice. Life is shifting in ways I never could have anticipated. I open my eyes and find the colours swirling, altered in ways indiscernible to most but suddenly so apparent to me that it's akin to a sledgehammer to my skull."

"Are you high?" Alice asked, bemused, "Don't answer that; I don't want to know. Where does Bella Swan fit in?"

"She is – was – part of the group."

Alice burst into laughter as she made the turn onto the long, winding driveway towards the Cullen home, running a hand through her short, spiky hair, "Oh my God! You picked up in _group therapy_?"

Edward frowned, "It wasn't like that. I _met her there_, but I actually 'picked up' at Scruffy's. She's friends with my tattoo artist."

"And I bet she left her mark on you, didn't she?" Alice teased.

"Alice, stop it. This isn't about sex..."

Alice clicked the switch of a garage door opener fastened to her rearview mirror and turned towards Edward's nervous face, "You're serious, aren't you? This is big?"

"Fuck you. You want to laugh, laugh at that ridiculous pink shoe on your foot," Edward snapped, folding his arms over his chest, "And now you know why I ignore your damn calls."

Alice sighed, reaching out her hand to his arms, her voice softening, "Edward, I'm sorry. It's just... Since Liz, you swore-"

"I know what I swore," Edward sighed, fighting back tears, "But _she_ changed it."

Alice nodded, pulling the Porsche into the five car garage, killing the engine, "Maybe I should give her a medal, then."

"I'm scared shitless, Alice," Edward whispered.

His sister embraced him tightly, the cool pink silk of her blouse soothing against his cheek as he rested his head upon her shoulder. A twinge of regret struck him as her earlier words haunted him, and he sighed deeply. He didn't deserve Alice's support and sympathy, not after what he'd put her through months ago. No one should be faced with the scene she'd stumbled upon in that meadow, especially not family, let alone a best friend. Alice truly was his closest confidant, the two of them sharing an uncanny bond from an early age. Born 11 months apart, they acted more like twins, exchanging secrets with a glance or a wink, frustrating their parents and older brother Emmett with their ability to concoct schemes in silence. In attempting suicide, Alice had felt as if he were trying to kill her, too. Her accusing glances were half the reason he'd left home for Port Angeles; he knew that he'd take his life under the weight of that daily reminder, and he knew that for her sake, he needed to try and live. As Alice pulled away, her smile was warm and kind, so much like his mother's vibrant face that his heart ached.

"This is a good thing. I feel it. You look brighter, somehow. I know what you're scared of, but Edward, you have to understand that you're turning crappy random events into a curse."

Edward shook his head, "Everyone, Alice-"

"Not me. Not dad. Not Emm. So let's pretend that Bella is part of our clique of the living, and _breathe_. Now, father dear is furious with you for yelling at Amelia, but if you tell him how much better you feel and how it's no thanks to her little group, _maybe_ he'll simmer down. But prepare to eat crow, because he's cooking up a healthy batch of it, I'm sure, and I'm vegetarian."

Edward chuckled, tousling Alice's hair, "I do love you, you annoying brat."

"I know! Now get out of my damn car so I can put the cover on it! Emm and Rose are here, and Jazz is coming in twenty for dinner. Dr. Dad is in the study."

Edward slipped out of Alice's precious Porsche and nervously opened the door that would carry him into the foyer of the sprawling home. Sunlight trickled in from several large windows, illuminating his path towards the living room. The sounds of a rock beat grew louder as he approached and Edward groaned, knowing exactly who would be to blame.

It was the curvaceous blonde he spotted first, sprawled along a large white leather sofa, her feet tucked beneath her black capris, her blood-red halter top accenting her ample bosom. She absently flipped through a bridal magazine, her right hand clutching a pen as she scanned the pages. Without looking up, she nodded to Edward.

"Hello, Edward. Come to regale us with your torment of the doctor?"

"Hello, Rosalie. Come to torture us with your incessant need to plan the most expensive wedding in the history of Forks?" Edward grumbled back, "Maybe if you get that nose job, you'll finally top the mayor's shindig."

"Fuck you," Rosalie snarled, rolling her eyes, "My nose is regal, like Princess Diana."

"And so's your bulimia," Edward snorted as his brother sauntered in from the kitchen, "What do you see in her again?"

"Hot snatch, tight ass, and no restrictions in the bedroom," Emmett laughed, reaching out to embrace Edward, "Long time, little bro."

"Good to know you make life decisions with your _head_. How have you been?"

Emmett grinned, "Same old, same old. Little football with the guys from work, a lot of heavy carpentry, a lot of money blown by the future missus."

"Our wedding is a celebration of our love, and I intend for us to have a grand celebration of it," Rosalie replied automatically, "Ooh! These invitations are _gorgeous_."

Edward chuckled, jerking his thumb towards the stereo, "And what the hell is this? It sounds like Rage Against The Machine, only not."

Emmett reached for the remote, edging the volume higher, "That would be Tom Morello's wicked melodies, son. New side band called Street Sweeper Social Club. Great shit!"

Edward listened as the vocalist rapped about class divisions, astonished, "Emmett, are you listening to politically aware music? Did hell freeze over recently?"

"I'm not an idiot, Eddie. And I'd listen to that sick beat no matter what! _'Somewhere in the world it's five pm and quittin' time means it's time to drink!'_ Beer for you?"

Edward shrugged, "Why not? I'm probably going to need one to deal with-"

"Edward," a smooth male voice announced from behind him, "Alice said you were here."

Edward swallowed hard as Emmett rushed into the kitchen, "Carlisle. You got my message?"

The tall blonde nodded, his grey cashmere sweater and beige slacks perfectly preened as always, "May I speak with you in my study, please?"

Edward nodded, language suddenly lost on him as they locked eyes. Alice was not kidding when she said their father was angry; the fire burning within those pale blue pupils was scalding his flesh from across the room, his palms clammy with sweat from the heat. This conversation would not go well, even if he agreed to an all-you-can-eat buffet of crow. His right hand was suddenly jostled by cool glass, and Edward looked up to find Emmett towering over him, a bottle of Corona the source of the collision. With a nod of gratitude, Edward followed his father to the northernmost corner of the home, where an ornate oak door led into a sombre room lit with antique Tiffany lamps and furnished in cherry wood pieces, collected from several stores Esme had frequented over the years. His mother had loved interior design, considering it an art form. Two shelves of books along the walls were devoted to the subject, her private collection of favourites from which she'd pulled her tricks of the trade. Settling in behind the large desk, Carlisle gestured to the chair adjacent him, his expression neutral. Knocking back a large mouthful of beer, Edward sat down, his body tensed.

"It's good to see you after so long," Carlisle began, "Your presence has been missed in this home. Alice has been particularly upset."

"I know," Edward answered quietly, "She gave me shit on the way over."

"Your actions have consequences, son. I know you understand this, and you often take it to extremes and assume responsibility for things far beyond your control. I would much rather you live here with your family, but if your choice is to live elsewhere, you owe your sister a phone call now and again, especially after what she went through."

Edward's eyes averted as he remembered that day, four months ago. If he were to close his eyes, he would recall the scent of fresh grass marred by spilled whiskey, recall the feel of the setting sun upon his skin and the way it had all seemed so perfect, as if nature itself was blessing his choice. He'd hummed Elton John's _Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me_ as the Percocet and Vicodin coursed through his bloodstream, the whiskey fueling his delirium. And as he'd laid back, the light narrowing to a thin beam that pierced the centre of his corneas, he'd heard his sister's voice, frantic but garbled under the weight of the drugs and alcohol...

"Are you listening, son?"

Edward shook himself, forcing his eyes to meet his father's, "I was thinking of Alice. I'm sorry."

Carlisle sighed, leaning forward, "I was saying that Amelia was extremely hurt by your treatment of her yesterday. Speaking with the hostility that you did created a difficult mood for the rest of her session, and it also apparently spurred another group member to drop out?"

"Bella Swan," Edward interjected, "She was as upset as I was. I didn't spur her onto anything she wasn't already contemplating."

"Charlie's daughter? I didn't know she was in your group. Amelia did mention that she tried to steer your concerns into a therapeutic direction but you chose rage and then left entirely. This isn't any way to get better, Edward. Throwing a tantrum isn't going to solve your depression."

"What she was saying was hypocritical bullshit, Carlisle," Edward snapped, "And frankly, she was being counterproductive to _my_ emotional healing with her goddamn hypocrisy."

"Language, Edward; you don't need to swear to make a point if you have evidence to support it," Carlisle cautioned him, "Explain the hypocrisy and precisely why you felt the need to badger your therapist and my colleague in front of her patients."

Edward rolled his eyes, "I hardly badgered her. I did what every therapist wants a patient to do: I looked deeper into what was being said and asked questions. She should be happy I was paying attention, what with Jessica whining on about her fifteen extra pounds on her ass for the millionth time, monopolizing the conversation. She asked Jessica if she wanted to die, as if it were an option. It hit a nerve, alright? She preaches on in my individual sessions that I cannot choose death because it's not an option that solves anything, that it creates a ripple of consequence, blah blah new age. But this girl who's puking and starving is _allowed to choose_? What the hell? And when I called her on it, Jones got pissed. Yeah, I copped an attitude, but the truth is, that group wasn't helping me at all. I couldn't relate to those people."

Carlisle sat quietly, his brow furrowed in thought as he fiddled with a pen he'd lifted from the desk. Edward threw back the rest of the beer in a single chug, the slightly bitter taste befitting the bile that Amelia Jones stirred within him. Edward had nothing against therapy itself; he'd studied enough texts on the subject during fits of insomnia to see value in the words of Beck, Jung and even Perls. But he and Amelia were on such different wavelengths, they might as well be on different planets.

"But Ms. Swan disagreed on the same points?" Carlisle finally asked.

Edward felt himself smile at the sound of Bella's name, "She did. She swore less, but she agreed it was bullshit."

Carlisle leaned back in the leather office chair, drumming the pen upon the arm rest, "There's something you're not saying about Bella Swan, Edward. I can understand your frustration with Dr. Jones, even if I disapprove of your way of expressing it. But if you're not satisfied with her, you need to speak to someone else, and arranging that will take several days. You can talk to me instead."

Edward shrugged, "Bella and I hung out last night. She's a good person."

"Don't bullshit me, Edward Cullen. You have feelings for her?"

Edward sighed, "And if I do?"

Carlisle grimaced, "You're playing with fire, son. You understand that right now, you are mentally ill, as is she. Neither of you are properly equipped to manage your own pain, let alone the challenges of a relationship. You could easily cause each other more harm."

"So I'm too fucked up to be cared about, is that it? Wow, Carlisle, I sure feel the love at home. No wonder I spend so much time here, right?" Edward rose to his feet, shoving his chair back against the wall with a loud bang.

Carlisle rose, quickly moving to cut off Edward's escape route, "That's not what I'm saying. You want honesty without hypocrisy? Here it is, son. Your illness is not your fault, but you affect others around you. You can't even call your sister after she leaves voicemail after voicemail, weeping because she thinks you hate her for saving your life," Carlisle paused as Edward's jaw fell open, "Do you even listen to them? Now you know, then; she thinks you're angry with her for loving you and keeping you alive. Bella Swan is a very sweet, very intelligent, but very broken girl. She, too, no longer wanted to live. I'm not saying you are not worthy of love; I'm saying that to fully love another, you must first value yourself enough to allow your positive qualities to shine through."

Edward pressed his hands to his temples, a burgeoning migraine thumping within them. Streaks of light danced through his field of vision and he grimaced as they whirled into an image of Alice, hunched over his bed in the ER, begging him to live. His father's hand reached out, squeezing his shoulder in a gesture of comfort.

"You are a remarkable young man, one who's seen far too much sorrow in his short years. There is no shame or weakness in falling into the depression that consumes you. But you have to choose to be well, and find a reason to fight back. And you have to learn to control your rage before you inflict its wrath on another person. I'm strong, as is your sister. Bella isn't strong, Edward. Tread carefully."

Edward sighed, his voice scarcely audible over the drone of Emmett's music down the hall, "I want to help her."

"Then help yourself. The stronger you are, the more she or anyone you care for may lean upon you. I can't treat my patients with a broken body. You can't help her mind without healing your own."

"I can't see Jones anymore."

Carlisle nodded, "I'll make some calls."

His father suddenly embraced him, and Edward felt the air expel from his lungs in a shocked gasp. His chest tightened as the tears fought to the surface, his mind reeling with his father's words and a scattering of images from his past haunting him in his waking life now, as opposed to his nightmares. His arms hung helplessly at his sides, the exertion of lifting them to return the gesture insurmountable in his state. His skin crawled as if it were alive and sentient, struggling to break free of the bitter man that enslaved it, and he shuddered, fists balling tightly. _I can't stay here. I can't stay in this house. It's too much_. Pulling away sharply, Edward pushed his way to the office door.

"Edward?"

"I-I'll be back."

"Son, please stay," Carlisle pleaded.

"I need air. I'll be back," Edward insisted, throwing open the door with a bang.

His mind raced in fifty directions as he stumbled down the hall, his hands shaking as adrenaline seized the reins. He couldn't stay here, not now; upstairs, nestled in a secret stash in his former room, he knew of three bottles filled with various benzodiazepines and narcotics, and he could not be anywhere near them. He had a duty now, a promise to uphold to Bella. He owed Alice better than an encore performance. _Eyes. Too many eyes in this house. _Barreling into the kitchen, he collided with the tiny raven-haired woman he'd once spent hours with on their roof, laughing at trivial things.

"Edward! Are you okay?"

"No... No..."

Alice frowned, her hands pressing his arms, "Hey... Let me help. Please?"

Edward shook his head, "I just need to get out for a while, get some air."

"Let's take a walk, then," Alice said firmly, seizing his hand.

"NO!" Edward protested, immediately regretting the outburst, "I'm sorry, Alice. It's not your fault. I just need to go think, away from everyone here. I'll be back later tonight, I promise."

Alice nodded, studying his face carefully, "Take the Jeep, then. Keys are inside it."

"What?"

"Go on. Text me later," Alice whispered, "And thank her."

"I-I wasn't thinking of-"

"You would have, the moment you stepped outside," Alice interrupted, "Take the Jeep. I love you."

Edward threw his arms around his sister, hugging her tight against his chest as he kissed the top of her head, "I'm so sorry, Alice."

"LAMB. Harajuku Lovers. Dinner after shopping," Alice replied, smiling as she pulled away, "And text me."

Edward nodded furiously, slipping into the garage and seeking out the black Jeep inside. The moment she'd said it, he'd known she was right: he would have headed straight to Bella's place, even if unconsciously. She would understand why he felt the urge to rip his skin off and run. She'd know why love from his much maligned family felt toxic. Flipping his cell phone open, he dialed her number, pulling out onto the meandering driveway, fingers drumming the steering wheel anxiously.

"Pick up... Pick up... "

Straight to voicemail. Edward cursed, slamming the phone shut without leaving a message. Why wasn't she answering? Was she avoiding him? Had she come to her senses? The thought of Bella rejecting him turned his stomach so violently, he debated pulling off to the side of the road to vomit.

"Bella," he whispered hoarsely, a single tear sliding down his cheek, "I need you..."

* * *

**End Note:  
**

**There's a new awards circuit in town and I think it's particularly promising, and a way to reward stories that fly under the radar as well as those that are more prominent. Either way, you should get out there and nominate! The categories are very fun. And if you feel like nominating anything of mine, then you're especially awesome. **

**But seriously, get thee quickly to the Faithful Shipper Awards page!**

**thefaithfulshipperawards[dot]webs[dot]com**


	5. Chapter 5

_**AN: **_

_**Really important note**: I had a discussion with a reader about this, and want to make it super-clear. Edward is an ass. Edward cannot relate to others well, as we'll see soon. He's also a sarcastc man filled with dark humour. I write him true to character, and for reasons related to plot (*zips lip*)._

_That said, if anyone is concerned about his snarky comments about eating disorders, please understand that those are not my personal views. I've struggled with one myself, and know full well how serious they are. And, as always, if anything strikes you, positive or negative, review or email me. I'm very happy to respond._

_**Warning:** This chapter contains themes of self-harm (non-graphic). _

_Happier warning: *sniff* Do I smell lemons in this room? I think I do!_

_Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight; I own a wish for a window with a tree branch outside._

_**Follow me on Twitter for updates on all of my projects: casket4myfanfic**_

_**

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**_

Bella watched through her messy hair as Edward and his sister pulled out of the gravel driveway to her home, her cheeks hot as she imagined what the petite raven-haired pixie of a girl in her expensive car and fashion magazine clothes thought of a girl who'd straddle her brother in a pick-up truck in daylight. _God, Bella, classy! A really classy way to introduce yourself to the family!_ Her hands shaking, she reached into her purse for her keys, the silver and gold jangling as she unlocked the front door.

"Charlie?" Bella called out into the dark entryway.

Bella knew instinctively that her father wasn't home; the lacking cruiser was only half of the proof of that. The quicksand set in as soon as she shut the door, the suffocating knowledge that no one was around consuming her mind. Bella seldom allowed herself to be home alone now, not after that day in the small garage that Charlie had now filled with storage items to prevent her truck from fitting within it. It was as much her father's fear as her own that kept him restricting his hours, shuffling duties in evenings to deputies unless Bella had plans elsewhere. But her fear was greater than his.

She knew what she hid in her room. She knew what she was capable of.

Setting her purse down on the kitchen table, Bella made her way into the kitchen, snagging the cordless phone from the hallway table along the way. Her fingers flew automatically, the station's main line ringing as she absently opened the fridge, staring at the assortment of condiments, vegetables and what she was certain was a nearly empty milk carton.

"Forks County Sheriff's Department, Louise speaking."

"Hey Louise, it's Bella. Did my dad come into work today by any chance?"

"No dear," the kindly old voice replied, "He's off today. I believe he said something about fishing?"

Bella swallowed hard, "Alright then, thanks Louise."

Bella slammed the fridge door shut, her heart beginning to race. There was only one place her father would be fishing at this time of year, one person with whom he'd be out in the boat. As her eyes began to tear up, she noticed the note taped to the door of it, in a familiar scrawl.

**Bells,**

** Went fishing with Billy in La Push. There's a bonfire tonight, so I might stay over. Figured you were staying with Ronan. Call me if you need me. Love you.**

"Shit!" Bella murmured, swiping at the tears coursing her cheeks, "Shit, shit, SHIT!"

Kicking the cabinet doors, Bella paced the small kitchen, her mind beginning to race. _He's out with Billy. He's staying with Billy. He has a right to a life. He's lucky his friends don't blame him for his stupid daughter's behaviour. I can't make him come home; he's probably had a few. He'd need a drive and a drive means going there, or… No. I can't see him. NO. Calm down, Bella. Call Ronan and go out. Read a book. Take your meds – NO I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THE FUCKING PILLS! Shit!_ Her arms wrapped tightly about her frame, her head gazed down at the t-shirt that hugged the slight swells of her breasts. _Edward? No, I can't bother him. He's got his own shit to deal with, and I already made him drive me all the way here with my super-attractive panic attack. But later, he's calling me. He will. It will be okay later._ Fumbling in her pocket, Bella withdrew her cell phone, thumbing quickly through the directory until she found Ronan's number. _I'll just call Ronan, and we can talk until Edward calls. Yes. I'll be okay. It's okay, Bella. Breathe._ Pressing the call button, she made her way slowly up the stairs, curving to the left, where her bedroom lay. The phone rang once, twice, then kicked to voicemail.

"_Hey, this is Ronan. You know what to do, so do it_."

Bella shook herself, willing her voice to remain level, "Hey Ronan, just Bella. Wanted to chat for a bit, no special reason. Call if you want."

Bella slammed the phone shut, ignoring the single beep it emitted as she flopped onto her bed, burying her face in the pillows. _Fuck. Okay, now what? Maybe Charlie's not spending the night. Maybe he'll come back. Ugh, but he's pissed. Okay, Bella, stay busy. Stay distracted._ Her legs kicked in frustration against the deep purple comforter as she struggled not to burst into hysterics. What had she learned from the internet support websites? Journal it. _Too tired, too… all over the place._ Do something kind for yourself. _Ha._ Call a friend. _No one to call._ Squeeze ice. _Maybe… I should have thought of it downstairs._ Each idea seemed daunting, too difficult in the face of the droning bees that grew louder in her skull and the itch that ran through her fingers as she cast her gaze towards the music box on her desk, the one her mother had bought her for her eighth birthday. If she knew definitively that Charlie would return, she wouldn't dare risk… _that_. But Charlie was in La Push, where everything had gone so horribly wrong…

_The phone rang three times before a familiar female voice picked up, "Hello?"_

_ "I need to talk to Jake."_

_ "Yeah? Well, he doesn't want to talk to you. He's grieving right now, Bella. But you always were selfish, weren't you?"_

_ Bella huffed angrily as the tears continued to stream down her face, "Leah, please. I at least need to apologize to him. He needs to know-"_

_ The venom in Leah's voice buckled Bella over as she clutched her phone to her ear, "What he needs, Bella Swan, is for you to go fuck yourself and leave him alone! Face it: you blew it. You not only blew it, you went out and performed a coup de grace on the relationship just to be sure. He's gone, Bella. And no amount of crying can ever bring him back."_

_There was a definitive click as Leah slammed down the phone, and Bella sank to her knees, weeping hard. Leah, as horrendous a bitch as she was, spoke nothing but truth. Jake would never – could never – love her again, not after that night. She'd not only lost her love; she'd lost one of her best friends. She'd destroyed him, as surely as she'd destroyed _her_ and her mother. She was a harbinger of ruin, her small hands wreaking havoc so vast, so wide, it could never be contained for as long as she lived._..

Pressing her face further into the pillows, Bella screamed with everything she had within, every surge of regret, every chord of anger singing inside her fractured heart. She screamed as her fists beat upon her thighs, the pain jarring her free from her memories of that night when she'd smashed herself into the glass walls of the house she called her world and sent them shattering around her, shards embedding in the flesh of all those she loved. Her guttural cries drowned out her cell phone as it beeped twice more upon her desk, then silenced.

* * *

Edward drove faster, urging the Jeep forward as he scarcely braked for stop signs, his heart sickened with the persistent straight to voicemail response of Bella's cell phone. His thoughts raced from her dismissing him to her destruction at her own thoughts, an equally terrifying reality that was not far-fetched given her past. _What if it went badly with Chief Swan when he came home? What if she freaked out and did something… drastic?_ Drumming the wheel impatiently, he took the next turn wildly, nearly slamming into a passing minivan from which a teenaged male shook his fist angrily. Bella's house was the fifth on the left, and as he approached, he felt the hair on the back of his neck rise.

No cruiser. No lights, save a small one upstairs.

"Oh, Bella," Edward mumbled, "Please be okay. Please talk to me."

Parking the Jeep on the street, Edward cut the engine, suddenly frozen with fear. _What if her father was home after all? Perhaps he'd seen the display in the driveway? Damn it! Can't ring the bell, then. Now what?!_ His throat felt dry and swollen, like the one and only time he'd consumed shellfish. His left hand twisted into his hair, tugging the locks so hard he winced from the pain.

"Alice..."

His hand fumbled into his pocket, retrieving his cell phone. Flipping it open, he dialled his sister, thumping his head against the door of the Jeep in frustration.

"Edward? Are you okay?"

"No," he murmured, "She's not answering her phone. What if she hates me?"

Alice's voice was soft and gentle as she replied, "Sweetie, what would have made her change her mind?"

"I don't know," Edward shrugged, gazing up at the solitary light on the second floor, "Maybe she came to her senses and realized what a disaster I am. Maybe her dad told her what a _shit_ I am. I don't know!"

"Is her dad home?"

"I don't know. The cruiser's not here. There're no lights on except one upstairs."

Alice sighed, "Maybe she fell asleep. Come home, Edward. You and I can go for a drive, or walk out to the creek-"

Edward cut her off quickly, "I can't. I don't deserve to-"

"Goddamn it, Edward! I love you! Let me help you if she's not there," Alice pleaded.

"Alice, I…" Edward's voice trailed off as an idea struck him, "Would it be crazy to climb the tree by her house and see if she's there? What if she did something… _stupid_?"

Alice paused, and Edward swore he could hear her shut a door, "Fuck. You really think she's in danger of that?"

"If she's as much like me as I feel she is, then yes."

A beat.

"Climb the tree. Be sure. But if she tells you to go-"

"I'll call," Edward promised, throwing open the car door, "I will, Alice. We can walk."

"Edward… just… Be safe."

Edward sighed, heavy with regret, "I love you, you know."

Alice hesitated before speaking, her voice cracking, "I forget sometimes. Remind me more often?"

Edward smiled faintly, striding towards the towering oak that leaned towards the lit window, "I will."

"If she rejects you, she's a bigger idiot than you are," Alice declared firmly, "Call me, Edward, or text. Let me know you're both okay. 'Bye."

Closing his phone, Edward gazed up at the looming branches of the oak above him, judging his best path to the dimly lit window above. Tucking his phone deep inside his pocket, he jumped up and swung on a low hanging branch on the far side of the tree, swinging back and forth until a branch slightly higher hung within his grasp. Lunging forward, he seized the limb, his feet steadying his frame upon the first branch. _Easy. And now, up…_ As Edward climbed higher, a slight chill settled into his bare flesh, leaves rustling in the wind that seemed to pick up with every move higher. Swinging around the vast trunk, he strained his arms to reach for the branch that lay level with the bottom of the window frame, hoisting himself up with a grunt and settling upon it.

The light he'd seen was a small bedside lamp upon a simple wood desk, shadows cast upon the walls from various stacks of books and discarded clothing. Craning his neck further to the left, Edward could make out a prone form, face down upon a bed, one with long brown waves and a familiar band t-shirt.

"Bella!" Edward gasped, inching forward on the branch, "Oh God, is she…?"

Her window was shut tightly, the lock engaged. There was no way he could enter without her, and if she was indeed avoiding him, the last way to her heart would be to kick in the glass. Snapping off a thick twig nearby, Edward whipped it at the glass with ferocious force, earning a satisfying _whack_ noise. The body on the bed stirred, rolling over on its side. _She's alive._ Reaching for another twig, Edward snapped it and threw again, with the same success. Bella's eyes fluttered, but did not open fully, her leg kicking out. _Damn it! _ Snapping off two twigs this time, Edward wound up and pelted the first and then the second, nearly slipping from the branch to his injury or possible death as Bella shot straight up in bed, glancing around wildly. Her eyes meeting Edward's in the tree, she rose quickly, throwing the latch and shoving the window pane wide open.

"Edward?! You scared the shit out of me!"

Her eyes were bloodshot and swollen; she'd been crying for some time. Edward forced himself to remain calm, reminding himself that there were plenty of other possible reasons for her to cry besides him.

"I-I… You didn't answer your phone," he stammered nervously.

Bella's eyes glanced to her desk, her hand reaching for her cell phone. Flipping it open, she cursed it, tossing it down on the carpet in frustration.

"Dead. It was kind of low yesterday before therapy, and I never charged it," Bella paused, running a hand through her tangled locks, "I… I wondered why you hadn't called. But that still doesn't explain why you're in my tree."

Edward felt the bark digging into his palms and adjusted his position, swaying towards her, "Look, I'm seriously in need of a gym. Can I come in and explain?"

"Of c-course! Drop down and I'll open-"

"No, no – just stand back!"

Bella stumbled backwards a few feet and watched with a bewildered expression as Edward pulled himself to standing, almost dancing the few steps along the branch before reaching for her window frame and propelling himself in. He chuckled as she stared, a boyish grin crossing his lips.

"Alice and I used to sneak out a lot when we were younger," he explained, stepping closer, "Hi."

Bella's lower lip trembled suddenly, her eyes clouding over with a sadness that struck him so violently, he felt his knees begin to cave beneath him. He reached out tentatively, relieved as she leaned into the fingers that grazed her cheek.

"Bella," he whispered, "What's wrong?"

She shook her head furiously, her arms wrapping around her chest, palms to shoulders. Her face tightened as he caught sight of her dragging her fingernails along her upper arms, almost hard enough to draw blood. His hands immediately flew to hers, halting their path as her gaze drifted to the floor.

"Bella, talk to me."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I w-wanted to call y-you, but I…"

"You can always call me, Bella. What are you doing to yourself?"

She shook her head, "No…"

Her eyes cast upwards, and in that moment, Edward felt exposed. Her head tilted to the left slightly, as if she were studying him somehow. The iron grip of her nails upon her arms loosened, and Edward released her hands to their own devices. Her right palm pressed to the heart careening against his ribcage, her brow furrowing.

"Why did you _really _come here?" Bella whispered hoarsely.

"I… I didn't know where else to go."

"Bad night?"

Edward nodded vigorously, "Yeah…"

"Me too."

They stood, motionless, her hand upon his chest, his limply at his sides. She was so close he could feel her warm breath upon his neck, his own exhalations growing ragged. Even this contact from her was at once too much and not enough. He wanted to throw his arms around her and protect her. He wanted to shove her back, to recoil, to be alone with the endless symphony of voices from a quintet of dead bodies who would never let him rest in peace. He wanted to run and hide, and he wanted to undress her, bury himself deep inside her and remain there until the world fell away forever. He watched her bite her lower lip, longing to kiss the imprint of her incisors away, but felt as if he were bound, without the freedom to choose that act. No, he couldn't move; she would have to move him.

"Bella?" Edward's voice barely rose above the low hum of her laptop beside them.

"Don't leave me alone," Bella pleaded.

"Your father-"

"He's not coming home tonight," she whispered, her hand gripping his shirt tightly, "Stay with me?"

Edward nodded, unable to speak. Bella's deep brown eyes locked on his, her hand tugging gently at his shirt as she looked at him expectantly. _I don't know what to do_. It struck him then that for all of his intelligence, all of his reading, he no longer knew how to relate to _anyone_, not just his family. With Bella, it was easier, more reflexive, but it was still so damn difficult to know what was appropriate. She tugged at his shirt again, harder this time, her feet shuffling closer.

"D-don't you….?"

Edward frowned, "I'm so confused right now. What do you want? I'll do anything to make it okay," he added, his eyes catching sight of the bright red lines from where she'd gouged at her own skin.

"I… Don't you w-want to h-hold me?" Bella stammered nervously.

Relief washed over Edward as the pieces began to click: her tugging, her stance, the yearning in her eyes… Did she think that he didn't want to touch her? _A part of you doesn't want anyone to touch you_, his mind chastised him, _Isn't that why you ran here?_ With a soft smile, his hands reached out to her face, tilting it upwards.

"Sometimes, it's… hard. Overwhelming to touch people."

"Oh… Oh, I'm sorry. I don't want to make things worse for you-"

Edward cut her off, brushing his thumb along her lower lip, "No. I don't want it to be so difficult. You're the first person I've touched in a while… and I want to."

Bella pressed her body forward, her chest against his, "So do it. Please, Edward; I need you to make it go away. It won't shut up, it won't fade out, it just _hums_ and last night, it was so quiet."

"It was quieter for me, too... But… God, Bella, what if-?"

"STOP THINKING!" Bella pleaded, slapping her hand against his heart, "Just do what you FEEL!"

Something inside Edward gave way, a taut thread snapping under pressure as all of the emotion that had threatened to smother him in his father's office came rushing back. There was a sound like rolling thunder in his skull, pounding against the bone as his hands pulled Bella's mouth against his, kissing her hard. Bella's arms wrapped tightly around his waist as she matched his intensity, her lips parting with a soft sigh as his hands tangled in her hair, fists tugging her ever closer, his body suddenly ravenous for contact. Electricity surged through his entire body as his tongue grazed hers, a fever that burned away all reason, all logic, everything that made him human. He was primitive now, a creature of need and want, and he wanted her. His hands flew to the hem of her t-shirt, tugging it upwards, nearly snagging her slender arms as she quickly moved to lift them over her head, her breaths shallow and rapid as their lips parted. Her own hands ripped at his shirt, thrusting it up and over his head, the rumpled fabric nearly overturning her desk lamp. His hands pressed to the small of her back, yanking her against his frame as his mouth lunged for hers, her kisses the air his aching lungs craved. He could feel her fingernails dig into his shoulders as she moaned, her hips pressing against his stiffening shaft, and the world began to spin beneath his feet. Stumbling backwards slightly, his calves collided with the edge of her bed and he took advantage, allowing himself to fall backwards, pulling Bella on top of him. Their tongues tangled without pause as Bella straddled his hips, her hands fumbling with the buttons of his jeans, tugging them apart and relieving the strain on his growing erection.

Bella's lips pulled back, swiftly moving to his jugular, biting and sucking between gasps of pleasure as his right hand slipped inside the soft, silky cup of her bra, gently rolling his thumb over the peaked nipple beneath. Her own hand sought out his cock, stroking it through his boxers in a deliberately slow motion that left him bucking upwards into her hand. Bella bit harder, earning a groan from Edward.

"Behave," she whispered, "Let me be in charge for a bit."

Edward could only nod as Bella seized his hands, pressing them to the bed above his head, commanding he leave them there as she ran the cool ball of her tongue piercing from his neck to his earlobe, her mouth lingering there, panting hot air against the sensitive skin for what felt like hours before enveloping it in her lips. Her right hand went to work on his throbbing erection, her grip firm, her pace maddeningly slow as she sank back onto her knees. Her left hand reached behind her, deftly releasing the blue silk and lace to reveal her pert breasts, her nipples swollen. Edward leaned forward, desperately wanting them between his teeth, but Bella shoved him back onto the bed, shaking her head with a sly grin.

"Soon," she purred, "Close your eyes. Feel me."

Edward groaned, shaking his head, "I can't look away from you. You're so goddamn beautiful, Bella."

Bella licked her lips, "Fine. I'll _make_ you."

Before Edward could protest, Bella had somehow wrapped her bra around his head, effectively blindfolding him. Edward chuckled, playfully reaching out his hands to seize her by the waist, pulling her in for a deep kiss that Bella quickly broke off, giggling as she shoved him backwards once more.

"Edward! Let me do this for you. I _need_ to do this," Bella protested, and Edward swore he could hear the pout in her voice.

"I'm sorry," he half-apologized.

Edward gripped the edge of the bed above his head to still his wandering hands as he felt Bella tug his jeans and boxers free, a dull thump sounding as they hit the plush carpet of her floor. Her body shifted to beside his torso and he strained his ears, wondering what she _needed_ to do.

As her lips rained hot kisses along his neck, drifting to his chest, Edward realized that it didn't matter. What mattered was her touch made him twitch to be inside of her. Without his sight, Edward concentrated on his other senses: the feel of her soft lips against his bare skin, her warm breath sending delicious shivers down his spine as she teased his nipple with her teeth; the faint noises the bed made as she leaned further down his body, her hand pressed to his thigh to steady herself; the soft murmurs from her throat as she licked his abdomen. All of the fear, all of the endless _whatifwhatifwhatif_ had silenced; there was only Bella, only the way Bella commanded his body. When her tongue flicked across the head of his shaft, the intensity of the lust within him left him gasping for air.

"Are you feeling?" Bella asked softly.

"Mmhmm," Edward moaned.

Bella's tongue ran the length of him from head to scrotum, her mouth gently enveloping his balls as she began to hum. Edward swore he dug a hole through her mattress as his grip tightened, and he fought himself not to buck or give in to the urge to pull her closer, rip away her jeans and devour her. _Soon... Very soon_... A single finger drifted in lazy circles over the head of his shaft as her tongue lapped its way back to the tip, and Edward swore Bella moaned. A zipper parted distinctly and Edward writhed, a picture of Bella touching herself springing to life in his mind. She was incredible; her mouth enveloping his thick shaft even more so. Edward's entire body ached with wanting as Bella sucked and licked at him, her left hand drifting to caress his inner thigh, a faint rustling of silk and friction on denim telling him she was pleasuring herself as well. _No. I want to touch you! Goddamn, let me touch you!_ Edward sucked a deep breath in through gritted teeth as his fist punched the bed above him.

"Fuck Bella, please... I need to touch you."

With a long, lingering lick of his shaft, he felt her rise, heard a drawer slide and slam. Her hand pressed over his curled fist, bringing it to her bare breast. He cupped it with a sigh of bliss, clamping the nipple between two fingers and tugging gently as she groaned in satisfaction.

"What do you feel?" Bella asked.

"I want you, so much.... You make me so... alive. You make blackness fade to grey."

Her lips pressed lightly to his and he felt her tremble, "I feel it, too. I… I don't want to think…"

Her hand reached behind his head, releasing the makeshift blindfold. Edward blinked hard, clearing his vision, and locked eyes with the woman who'd become his centre of gravity in two days' time. Her face was more relaxed than when he'd entered, but sadness lingered behind her eyes, threatening to break to the forefront. _I won't let it. Not tonight_. He pulled her down against him, pressing his lips to her throat and kissing her lightly.

"No more thinking," Edward affirmed, "Not tonight."

Bella pulled away, standing to remove her jeans and panties. Edward reached out for her hand, sucking her fingertips, tasting her juices upon them. Bella closed her eyes, her frame swaying slightly as he sucked harder, dragging his teeth lightly along the tips. In her opposite hand, he found the explanation for the drawer opening and shutting: a shiny foil packet clasped between her thumb and forefinger.

"_Just do what you FEEL!" _Her words echoed inside the hollows of his fractured soul, filling the spaces until she completed him, if only for the moment. Taking on a life of their own, his hands snapped out quickly, pulling Bella to the bed by her hips, his body flipping on top of hers as she squealed in surprise.

"I want you," Edward growled beside her ear, nipping and sucking at her bare shoulder.

"I'm yours," she gasped, writhing as his hardness pressed against her thigh, "God, please…"

Trailing kisses down to her breast, Edward's left hand slipped between them, his fingers running along her wet slit, "I want your eyes to smile. No thinking, Bella."

"Ugh, fuck!" Bella's hips pressed upwards, grinding against the fingers that continued to run lightly back and forth, "Can't… think… want you…"

Enveloping her right nipple in his hot mouth, Edward began to suck hard, dipping his index finger just inside of her, groaning as he felt her clench around him. His eyes glanced upwards, a smile crossing his lips as her eyes rolled back, her hair splayed wild upon the pillows. A second finger slipped inside her, the pair moving from clitoris down and _just_ inside, the motion slow like the kisses he trailed along her flat stomach as he headed between her thighs. He flicked her navel piercing with his tongue and she moaned his name loudly, the curving spiral bar twisting askew. _Mental note: play with piercing more often_. His lips pressed above the glistening flesh before him, his fingers withdrew, Edward sucking them to taste her.

"Edward," Bella panted, her hand tangling in her bronze locks, "_Please_…"

Edward dove between her thighs, his tongue dragging firmly along her swollen clit as he slammed two fingers deep inside of her. Bella screamed his name, her fist pounding the bed once as he pumped, licked and sucked, the faint sweetness of her coating his tongue. He curved upwards, stroking her G Spot in sweeping circles with every inward thrust, his oral ministrations firm and rapid as he felt her tighten within, her orgasm building rapidly. The moans and panted breaths above him made him harder, his erection painfully pressed against the edge of the bed, but at this moment, he didn't matter. _She_ mattered, in a world that for so long had been meaningless to him. His free hand pressed against her lower abdomen, her cries growing louder as he slid faster in and out of her slickness. With a moan, he sucked hard on her engorged mound, sending her over the edge with a formless shriek of ecstasy, her fingers tugging his hair hard. Withdrawing and pressing to hands and knees, he quickly snatched the condom from her hand as she gasped, tearing it open and rolling it on quickly. Crawling up her body, he kissed her gently, stroking her hair.

"I think you felt that," Edward teased.

Her eyes fluttered open, and Edward's heart skipped a beat at how _happy_ they were, "I _may_ have felt a little something," she said coyly, biting her lower lip.

"A _little_ something?" Edward mused, his hand cupping the back of her thigh, "I'll have to try harder then."

With a swift motion, Edward pulled her leg up over his shoulder as he thrust deep inside of Bella, moaning loudly at how tight she felt. Sliding his engorged shaft almost entirely out, he slammed back inside of her, reeling at the sensation of being one with her, this creature who was as damaged as he, and yet had already given him so much. Bella's hands flew to his sides, her fingernails raking along his bare skin as she wrapped her free leg around his waist.

"Faster," she panted, her eyes locked on his.

_Goddamn, that's sexy!_ Forcing his eyes to remain open, Edward obliged, driving his thick member into her warmth, guttural moans chorusing from the two of them as they both steadily began to peak. Bella's teeth sank into her lower lip as she steadied herself on his arms, pulling herself up to kiss him. The shifting deepened the position, Bella gasping as his cock plunged further inside of her, her messy hair tumbling across her glistening cheeks.

"God, Bella!" Edward hissed, "I'm not going to make it long like this."

"Neither will I," Bella whispered, lunging forward and biting at his chest, "Harder, Edward. I want you to go."

Edward nodded, his green eyes locking on her chocolate pools, "Watch me… Don't close your eyes."

He thrust harder, her lower back lifting off the bed each time he slammed inside of her, his eyes never turning away from the beautiful woman before him. Hers was a gaze of lust and arousal, but more than that… A sense of wonder. Was she as disbelieving of how the clouds parted when they touched, revealing a sunlit world that he vaguely remembered from what seemed to be a lifetime ago? Did her heart sing the way his did as he pounded her, his swollen cock twitching and throbbing as his orgasm washed over him like a baptism?

"Fuck, Bella, go with me," he panted breathlessly.

She suddenly clenched hard within, her teeth sinking into his shoulder to stifle a loud wail, "God, yes! YES!"

Her body fell back against the bed as he thrust several more times as his shaft emptied, his breath caught in his throat. His hand lifted her leg free, setting it gently upon the bed as he collapsed against her chest, their bodies joined, head pressed to her heart. The beat was strong, reassuring in its vigour. _She's so alive. She brings me life_. Bella's hands cradled his jaw, pulling his lips to hers for a gentle kiss.

"I felt _that_," Bella murmured, grinning.

"I could tell from the firm handshake hello you gave my cock," Edward retorted playfully, earning a laugh and a slap to his arm, "Your eyes are smiling now."

Bella blushed crimson, "Yours look brighter, too."

"Everything seems brighter with you near," Edward mused, kissing her forehead, "Reality must shatter romance, now. A moment, please."

Pulling out slowly, Edward carefully removed the condom, tucking it inside the foil packet and placing it on the bedside table. Tugging the covers down, Edward slipped back into bed, enveloping Bella in his arms with a contented sigh.

"Your father won't be home tonight at all?"

"Nuh uh," Bella murmured, "He's at… a friend's house. He'll be back early in the morning, though."

"How early? He has guns, Bella. I'd like to keep my body parts."

Bella thought a moment, "Probably seven at the earliest? I should set an alarm. Oh, crap! My cell's dead and I didn't plug it in-"

"Cell! Damn it!" Edward grumbled, "Could you roll over and fetch my cell from my jeans?"

Bella eyed him with confusion as she bent to the right, giggling as Edward planted a quick kiss upon her back. Digging through his pockets, she found the tiny flip phone and passed it to him, watching as he opened it, shook his head and began tapping out a message.

"Alerting the boys that you scored?" Bella half-joked.

"No, Alice," Edward replied absently.

"ALICE?"

Edward glanced up, shaking his head, "No, not like that! When I left the house, I was… Not well. And when I couldn't reach you, I talked to Alice. I was worried you might have… Well, point is, I promised to text her if we were both okay. I don't want her driving out here at two in the morning and climbing that tree, do you?"

Bella's face softened, "It's sweet that she worries. She must love you a lot."

Edward nodded, setting an alarm for six in the morning, "She does. I forget sometimes how much she does. I'm pretty fucking lousy as a brother."

Bella's hand laced with his as he tossed the phone to the floor beside him, "You do the best you can, right? That's all we can do."

As Bella nestled against his chest, Edward closed his eyes, his mind rolling her words over and under, examining their meaning. If one has run out of strength and energy to try to even breathe, can one be forgiven for failing as a sibling and friend? Without the foundation, the top of the pyramid tumbles, doesn't it? Bella murmured, her breathing steadying to a slow, shallow rhythm, lulling him from his troubled existential thoughts. _No thinking, Edward. Not tonight_. For the second night in a row, he had her beside him; he needed to live in the now, and embrace the gift of these moments with her.

The past would always be waiting for him later.

* * *

**_Now, lemme see... That read to review count looks mighty low... I see you, lurkers! How's a girl supposed to know how you like your lemons if you don't tell her? Hmm?_**

**_Also, survey: I had a ridiculous and silly idea to go with a future plot point... That would make it possible for you to 'interact' with Doucheward and Bitchella. Intrigued?_**


	6. Chapter 6

_AN: _

_This chapter pretty much wrote itself, for which I am grateful. This also means an early update for you (and all three of my multis updating in 36 hours - whew!), so enjoy! It literally wrote itself out last night, so I didn't bother to send a preview. Instead, reviewers were treated to advance notice of the interactive feature._

_A few notes:_

_1. I've started a YouTube playlist of songs that have shaped this piece (albeit an incomplete one). You can see everything up to and including this chapter below:_

_youtube[dot]com/view_play_list?p=5FDDB029BD48928D_

**_2. Stay tuned to the end notes with regards to the interactive feature (so much ridiculous fun, already)._**

_3. I HIGHLY recommend cueing the following YouTube video as you begin to read the chapter:_

_youtube[dot]com/watch?v=xLgc8fVfqgU_

_As always, Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight; I own two cats who were very displeased with being ignored for five hours last night. Gravity and Karma say you can make it up to them by reviewing their mom and putting her in a good mood. ;)_

* * *

Edward awoke with a groan, his left arm striking the bedside table as he turned onto his back, blinking the sleep from his eyes. The room was pitch black, save for a trickle of light through the cracks of the door several feet away. His hand seized his cell, quietly flipping it open to two messages from Alice.

_Glad you're both okay. Now Jasper can stop bitching about me pacing. 3_

_Edward, are you not coming home at all? Dad's kinda pissy and lingering in the study later than usual. Might want to slip in before seven, if you get this. Love you._

Edward sighed, thinking of his father. _I should have called him before falling asleep. He probably thinks I ran back to __Port Angeles__. Damn._ The display read 3:17 as he closed the phone, rolling back towards Bella -

Bella was gone.

Edward took in the down turned blankets, the stealth with which she'd left him and the time, and immediately began to panic. _Her arms. What was she doing? What IS she doing?_ Throwing off the covers, he padded naked towards the door, halting with his hand on the knob. What if her father had come home after all? The last thing he needed was to go hunting for Bella nude, only to have her father meet him in the hall. Ronan would surely have his back if he were clothed, but naked? Fumbling in the darkness, Edward managed to flip the switch of the desk lamp, a sickly yellow glow washing over the room. Dressing quickly but quietly, Edward ran a hand through his now disastrous hair and wrapped the used condom on the table in a tissue before chucking it into her waste bin. _Better. Now, Bella._ Opening the door slowly, Edward peered down each direction, listening for signs of movement. The bathroom lay directly across the hall, darkened and vacant; she hadn't stepped out to relieve herself.

A shuffling noise from downstairs caught his ear and Edward stiffened, certain he was about to be busted by one Chief Swan at a very inappropriate hour of night. The shuffling gave way to a faint strumming of guitar and Edward edged towards the stairs, certain that the coast was clear. Chief Swan was an early bird; there was no way he was up listening to music or watching TV at this hour. Was Bella downstairs, then?

"Bella?" Edward whispered.

The guitar continued, and the murmur of a female voice stabilized his racing heart beat. _She's not... She's not THAT. But why didn't she wake me?_ Taking the first two steps slowly, the guitar grew louder, and the murmurs became decipherable and recognizable. With a bewildered expression, Edward took two more stairs down, straining his ears.

Bella was singing.

Edward sank to the stair beneath his feet, sitting and peering through the oak railing, Bella coming into view. Her hair was pulled into a messy bun at the nape of her neck, her body clad in a black tank top and beige yoga pants. In her hands lay an acoustic guitar, her fingers flowing easily through the simple, slow melody.

_"I stand alone, and I fight alone_

_And I stay clean by feeling cheap_

_Baby there ain't enough room in this world_

_For perfections like you, and monsters like me..."_

Her voice was raw potential, an unpolished Natalie Merchant to his ears. As the verse gave way to chorus, she sang louder, her eyes closed tightly. She was so wrought with emotion, so into this unfamiliar song, that he was unable to look away.

_"A time of darkness_

_You will look absurd and you will feel inert_

_And you'll go looking to blame somebody_

_You see, I used to think I'd get over everything_

_But everything just got over me_

_I'm certain of it_

_Certain of it..."_

His breath caught in his chest, his heart echoing the genuine anguish as she sang the line that hit hardest for him on a personal level: _"I used to think I'd get over everything, but everything just got over me._" It could be the story of his life, of its disintegration into a blooming blackness that enveloped everything, a bitter aftertaste that ruined any hope for a moment of contentment. It was how he'd felt the day he walked into that meadow, his backpack loaded with the means to his end.

_"I walk alone and I ride alone_

_And you know, that's alright by me_

_'Cause baby there ain't enough room in this world_

_For a great, great many things"_

With a final chord, Bella paused, sighing deeply. Edward pulled himself to his feet, the stair squeaking and startling Bella to her feet, the guitar abandoned on the ground.

"Edward!" Bella gasped, clutching her chest.

"You were gone. I was worried-"

"You didn't-"

"You were amazing," Edward interrupted as her cheeks flushed crimson, making his way down the stairs, "You never told me you played."

Bella shrugged, "I don't, really; I know the basics, and I'm pretty good at picking out simple songs by ear. I'm nothing like you with a piano."

Edward winced inwardly at the mention of his 'gift', as Esme had always referred to it. Considered a protégé as a child, his parents had poured money into lessons and a new piano. His teachers had applauded his original compositions, handing him pamphlets on every music program of renown in the country and beyond its borders. When Esme had passed, Edward's ability to compose, much less play, died with her. These days, if he spent ten minutes pounding out a song in a week, it was a miracle.

"You played that song fine, as best I can tell. I didn't recognize it."

Bella gasped, "I am going to have to educate you then, mister! I'll burn you a CD of Matthew Good's best. That song, by the way, is ridiculously easy; of course it sounded fine. A child could play it."

Their bodies converged in the living room, Edward's arms wrapping around her and pulling her against his chest, his chin resting upon her head. Bella exhaled loudly, as if she'd been holding her breath for some unknown reason, burying her face in his green t-shirt. His fingers traced light circles upon the small of her back as he closed his eyes, inhaling the scent of her, reminding himself to remain calm. He wanted this. He wanted contact with _her_.

"Couldn't sleep?" he murmured.

"It happens. Usually, I read, or come play for a bit. It distracts me from my head," Bella explained.

"Why didn't you wake me?"

Bella pulled back, staring up at him sheepishly, "I didn't want to bother you."

Edward's hand sought out her cheek, tracing her jaw bone to her pale lips, "You could never bother me, Bella. Wake me next time, okay?"

"Edward, I-"

"Hey, if you're going to sing like that, I want my front row seat," he joked, tousling her hair lightly, "Let's sit."

They made their way to the couch, Edward allowing his weary body to drop on the far end, Bella beside him. He pulled her body gently, swinging her legs up as he laid her head in his lap. Her smile as she gazed up at him was contagious, all worries melting away to a rare moment of peace as he toyed with her hair.

"Two nights, two sleepovers," she mused, "You must think me a harlot."

Edward chuckled, "And by that logic, you must think I'm a womanizing man whore!"

"Maybe you are! You seemed awfully comfortable with truck sex... and shower sex... and, well, sex," Bella concluded, "What's a girl to think?"

"I thought we weren't thinking anymore tonight," Edward teased.

"Bastard!" Bella laughed, "You're not allowed to use my words against me."

"Fine," Edward said, feigning an exasperated sigh as his hand drifted to her breast, teasing her nipple, "I'll just use your body against you, instead."

Bella moaned softly, her back arching, "Mmm... Hey! Two can play..."

Her hand maneuvered its way to his groin, stroking him through his jeans and eliciting an immediate reaction. He leaned forward to meet her hungry mouth, her pierced tongue teasing his lightly. Her body felt incredible as his hands roamed Bella while pulling her up to straddle his lap. He could lose himself in the softness of her skin, the way she moaned in his mouth when his hands cupped her ass, the scent of her flesh as he pressed his lips to her throat. A nagging hesitation from earlier in the day, however, was rearing its ugly head once more. _So much for not thinking_, Edward thought.

"Mmm Bella?"

Her tongue flickered against his right ear, sending a shudder through his torso, "Yes?"

"I know we said no to thinking, but I had a really important thing to say to you before... Well, before my dad and I talked and effectively destroyed my truck groping high."

Bella pulled back, her eyes dark and her brow furrowed, "Was he mad?"

Edward shrugged, "He was more pissed at the effect I was having on Alice. He was just..."

"Overwhelming?" Bella suggested softly.

"Very," Edward confessed, "As are you, but in a different way. We started off on lousy footing, but we have this... for lack of a more eloquent term, _connection_. Damn, it sounds just as New Age when I say it. But we're going about this sort of... wrong?"

"Wrong?"

Bella's face fell into a deep sadness, her head drooping at his words. _Stupid!_ Edward seized her head in his hands, pulling her to him for a light kiss. Her lips trembled against his own, and he knew innately what this meant: he was making her cry.

"Bella, God, not wrong like that! You're-"

"Really fucked up? I know. I'm not really good for any-"

"Shh!" Edward admonished her, pressing his hand to her mouth, "I meant wrong because I don't know you, and I want to. Most couples talk, and date, and all that shit on TV, and _then_ they become sex-crazed shut-ins. We skipped some steps, and while being with you is incredible, I also want to know _you_. Do you understand?"

His hand fell away as Bella nodded, her eyes wide, "I.. I... did you say _couple_?"

Edward felt his face flush as he looked away, "Um... Well, you know what I meant, right? It's not like I expect that you're tied to me exclusively just because-"

"But I am," Bella whispered, "I mean, if you want me to be. But if you don't-"

"I do. And it scares the fucking hell out of me," Edward's voice broke, "I told you last night. Everyone in my life dies-"

"And I told you that I didn't care for your version of 'doing the right thing.' Do you want me?"

Edward nodded, "Unequivocally. I'm too selfish to lie and send you away."

"Then we're a couple!" Bella exclaimed, slapping his arm, "I do have to warn you: Ronan is gonna be pissed. His shotgun speech will be worse than Charlie's. Be prepared."

"Yeah. I got a taste of his speech at the shop. But I know enough of Ronan's dirty secrets to shut him up if I have to. I'm glad he's got your back, though. Seems like he's a good friend to you."

Bella smiled, "He is. He's like my asshole of a big brother, but the good kind of asshole. He's always been good to me, right from the start."

As Bella settled onto his lap, her legs stretched out along the empty cushions of the couch, Edward wrapped an arm around her waist, smiling softly. _Maybe she's right. Maybe two very messed up people can make a very strange 'right' if they want to._ Her head leaned against his heart, a soft sigh escaping her pursed lips.

"How did you meet Ronan?"

Bella took a deep breath, hesitating, "He... My dad and I were down at La Push, visiting his friend Billy for Christmas. It was right after my mom... and I'd just moved. I wasn't in the mood for tidings of comfort and joy, so I bailed to walk the beach. He came walking down the beach after me; this guy Seth Clearwater who had a puppy crush on me had mentioned my mom to him. They're good buddies. Ronan lost his mom to a gang drive-by in Los Angeles, and he thought he could help me. He was right. We've been friends ever since."

"I can't say my first meeting with him was anything remotely like that."

"Oh really?"

Edward chuckled, "Um... Ronan is bound to tell you that I have a bit of a past with the fine ladies of Washington State, so I'll tell you. I met him in a bar a couple of years ago in Seattle. I was there for a weekend of Mariners and drinking, and he was there for an ink convention. I tried to pick up this hottie of an artist he was with and he cock blocked me."

Bella burst out laughing, "He _what_? Was he into her?"

Edward groaned, "No, but his buddy was. But in the end, it worked out; the chick was apparently all Fatal Attraction and shit. I gained a tattoo artist, which I think was the better deal."

Bella giggled, "Definitely, although said artist is Ronan the Mick Prick, as I love calling him."

Edward laughed hard, shaking his head, "And he lets you live?"

"He knows he can't take me," Bella grinned.

"Sassy, smart, pierced and amazing in bed... Tell me more," Edward urged.

Bella shrugged, "I don't know what to say. And why am I doing all the talking?"

"Fair point. Maybe we should go with the basics?" Edward suggested.

"Me first, then," Bella insisted, kissing his cheek, "Favourite band?"

"You want me to pick _one_?"

Bella frowned, "Good point. Pick three."

Edward hesitated a moment, planting a kiss on Bella's shoulder, "Hmm... Pink Floyd..." a second kiss landed upon her collarbone, "Tool... and.," he finished with a kiss between her breasts, eliciting a soft moan, "probably The Fray right now, although I do love OLD tunes by The Smashing Pumpkins."

Bella's eyebrow raised, singing playfully, "One of these things is not like the others..."

"Have you really listened to their lyrics?"

"Not really. I've only heard that How To Save A Life song, though."

"Looks like I'll be making _you_ a mix, then," Edward insisted, "Your turn."

Bella groaned, "God, this changes weekly for me right now because of Blip FM."

"Blip _what_?"

Bella laughed, "Blip FM. It's this site where you can look a song up and 'blip it', which basically puts a little message you write on your profile along with a link to the song, and then shoots out a Tweet if you've connected to Twitter."

Edward groaned, "You fell victim to the allure of Twitter? It's a device for Sheeple!"

"Or a wonderful way of watching people and mocking them mercilessly, which is why I use it," Bella protested, "Celebrity twitter accounts are hilarious to stalk, in varying ways. Just wait; I'll get you on there."

"Surrrre. Music?"

Bella stuck out her tongue, "If I have to pick three right now, I'm going with Matthew Good, Rilo Kiley and The Gathering. But only their stuff with Anneke on vocals."

"Favourite colour?" Edward asked.

Bella smiled shyly, "Today, it's green, like your eyes."

"Mine is blue, like my emo mood."

"Emo would be black. Don't you know the emo rules?" Bella admonished him.

"I guess I skipped that day at school. I skipped a lot of them."

Bella's arms snaked around his neck, pulling him closer, "Look at how much we've learned about each other. We've established your strange taste in music and the colours each of us should wear to please the other. We covered family relations at brunch and we know how we each met the Mick Prick. It's past 4am; can we leave the serious for another day?"

"What would you like to do instead?" Edward murmured.

Bella grinned, "Let's get you a Twitter!"

"No!"

Bella pouted, "But we can be sarcastic misanthropes mocking the tragedy that is our society, all while introducing the morons to better music and flirting in 140 characters or less! Please?"

Edward groaned loudly, "Bella, that place is a symptom of the social network disease. A late-stage symptom!"

Biting her lower lip, Bella's hands roamed his chest, tugging his t-shirt upwards, "Please? For me? I'll do _anything_..."

Edward's hands moved to her bare shoulders, his fingers hooking the straps of her tank top, tugging them down her arms, "_Anything_?"

Bella winked, her hands moving to the fly of his jeans, "That's what I said, Edward."

"Mmm okay..."

His left hand slid inside of the waist band of her yoga pants, drifting down to graze the silken panties beneath. Bella's mouth lunged for his neck, sucking hard as he ran a finger over her clit through the flimsy material, his breath hot against her ear as he leaned forward, whispering.

"I know exactly what I want from you, Ms. Swan."

Bella moaned softly, nipping at his delicate skin, "Tell me..."

Her hand slipped inside his jeans, toying with him through his boxers as he relentless teased her in return. Enveloping her ear lobe in the moist heat of his mouth, he sucked gently, his soft moan echoing her response to his touches. His free hand pushed her tank top down, her breasts bare before his eager mouth. He licked each nipple in turn then bit lightly, kissing his way up as she tilted her head back with a satisfied whimper.

He whispered his demand against her skin, "I want you to sing for me again."

Bella gasped, pulling back, "You can't be serious!"

Edward smiled, slipping a finger beneath her panties, eliciting a loud moan as skin connected with skin, "Very serious."

"Edward!" Bella panted as he drew his fingertip along her smooth folds.

"You said _anything_," Edward murmured.

Her hips ground down against his hand, her breathing shallow, "God... Maybe... if you sing too..."

"Pick a... _fuck_...song I'll know," Edward acquiesced as Bella found a way into his boxers, stroking his hardening shaft in retaliation.

Much to Edward's shock, Bella speedily disentangled their bodies, slipping to the floor and adjusting her top. With a nervous smile, she reached for the guitar, laughing at Edward's bewildered expression.

"What?"

"I wasn't finished with _that_," Edward whined.

Bella winked, "I offered you anything and you took tone-deaf singing and elementary school guitar skills. I, on the other hand, have forced you onto Twitter _and_ I get to hear you sing."

Edward frowned. _Damn! That sneaky little..._

With a light strumming of a C chord, Bella glanced up at him with a smile, "Nirvana work for you?"

"Absolutely. What do you know?"

Bella shrugged, "Okay, long story short: I adapted a piano cover of a song to acoustic guitar. It's different and shortened, but I think you'll keep up. Hopefully, you'll also drown me out."

Edward leaned forward to kiss the top of her head, "Hush. You're wonderful."

"And you apparently need your hearing checked. Your father's a doctor; let him take a look at that," Bella quipped, "Here we go..."

Edward couldn't even begin to guess at the song that Bella strummed and plucked out, her eyes set on the guitar. He assumed his presence made her shy, and fought the urge to stare at her, instead allowing his eyes to close, taking in the melody. When Bella's low voice kicked in, he was shocked to learn what song she was playing. _She wasn't kidding when she said this was different_! The tempo and delivery were adjusted, the melody line shifted and slowed. Strangely enough, it worked incredibly well.

_"Load up on guns, bring your friends_

_It's fun to lose and to pretend_

_She's overbored and self-assured_

_Oh no, I know a dirty word_

_Hello, hello, hello, hello..."_

The verse didn't give way to the chorus as he expected, Bella moving into an instrumental bridge instead. Her eyes glanced up briefly to meet his, murmuring about the first chorus being skipped. Knowing now what was to come, he joined as he'd promised at the second verse.

_"I'm worst at what I do best_

_And for this gift, I feel blessed_

_Our little group has always been _

_And always will be until the end_

_Hello, hello, hello, hello_

_Hello, hello_

_With the lights out, it's less dangerous_

_Here we are now; entertain us_

_I feel stupid and contagious_

_Here we are now; entertain us..._"

Their voices blended together well, Edward's trained ear immediately adjusting his range to a precise octave beneath hers, and Edward caught Bella smiling wide as the song drew to a close. He felt exhilarated; it had been weeks since he'd sung anything, years since he'd done so with another person. _One more barrier she's broken down already_, Edward mused quietly. Taking the guitar from her and setting it aside, he embraced Bella tightly, his heartbeat loud and strong within him.

"That was strange and wonderful. Thank you."

"If you hook up your Twitter, I'll blip the cover at you," Bella replied with a wink.

With an exaggerated eyeroll, Edward gestured to the laptop across the room, "Fine, fine! Let's do this horrible thing."

Bella made quick work of enrolling him among the leagues of the assimilated, assigning him the username Doucheward when he wouldn't choose his own. He laughed out loud when Bella surfed to her own username, ForkedUp. Bella explained that she'd thought of it while loaded on margaritas at a bar with Ronan, babbling about her life troubles.

"_In fact, Ronan," she'd mumbled, rising to her feet, "Everything started when I got here. Forks fucked me up worse than I was... I'm FORKED up!_"

"They cut me off at the bar after that," Bella concluded, "And voila! Now you are following me. All we need now are matching Facebook statuses."

"Ugh, no! I draw a line!"

"Relax," Bella giggled, "That place has no merit at all. It's a cesspool of people who used to be MySpace whores but have grown too old for blinking background images and glittery text."

"I'll never hear the end of this from Alice," Edward muttered.

"Don't tell her, then."

"You don't understand. She just KNOWS things. She is magically awake _right now_, searching for random people to follow and stumbling onto this page. Just you wait!"

Bella shook her head, "If your sister is up at four-thirty, then maybe she needs a granola baptism of her own."

"She needs an exorcism, more like," Edward sighed, "As much as it pains me to say it, I should probably head out. Carlisle is apparently unimpressed with my leaving before dinner and not returning before bedtime. Unless you need me to stay, of course."

"No, no; go on. Charlie will be home soon enough," Bella answered, pushing the laptop aside and rising to her feet.

"Are you sure? Will you be alright? _Really_ alright?"

Bella strained onto her toes, pulling Edward's lips to hers briefly, "I promise. I'll grab a shower and start your mix."

"A shower? Now I definitely don't want to leave you," Edward leered, winking.

"Pervert!"

"Says the girl who threw me against a wall and gave me head yesterday morning while I _tried_ to wash my hair!"

Bella smiled coyly, "Not my fault; you were half-mast. I figured you needed help with that."

Edward lifted Bella by her waist, wrapping her legs around his own belt line as he carried her to the door, grazing kisses on her cheeks, her nose and her chin. Her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, her ankles hooking against his back. Pinning her against the front door, he kissed her hard and deep, the metallic glint on his tongue as it met her piercing arousing him anew. His hands gripped her ass to support her, marvelling at how much more he could feel with her jeans out of the picture. _Note to self: convince Bella to only wear yoga pants. Or a skirt. God, in a skirt... __HOME__, __Edward__! You have to._ With a frustrated growl, Edward broke away gasping, spinning around to place Bella on the stairs.

"I suppose I should go," Edward sighed.

"Yeah," Bella agreed, biting her lip.

"At the risk of sounding obsessive, when can I see you again?"

Bella giggled, "I'm off tomorr-well, I guess today now, and tomorrow. I should spend some time with Charlie today, but after dinner...?"

"Movie, my place? You'll be my reason to avoid time with Emmett's fiancée."

"I take it you don't like her?"

Edward grimaced, "There is no way the sex is THAT good that he can excuse her behaviour. She's blackmailing him or something."

"Now, now," Bella admonished, "I'm sure plenty of people think I'm not worth dating. I'm jaded and confrontational, and I say very mean things online to vapid whores."

"You'll understand tomorrow," Edward insisted, "Call you around six?"

Bella nodded, "I'll be waiting, with a _charged_ phone."

With one final kiss, Edward forced himself to open the front door. The sheer act of setting foot upon the cold concrete of the porch made his chest ache, Bella's wistful eyes even moreso.

"I miss you already," she confessed.

"I always miss you," he whispered hoarsely, his throat tight.

Taking a few steps, his earlier conversation came to mind, and he smiled, turning back towards Bella. She'd pulled her hair loose, allowing it to tumble down her shoulders, and Edward longed to run back, Police Chief be damned. Swallowing hard, he echoed a sentiment he'd absorbed from his underappreciated sister.

"Be safe."

She nodded, lifting two fingers to her lips then extending them in his direction. Returning the gesture, he turned away, unwilling to let her see the tears forming in his eyes. _You're seeing her soon. Calm down. _But it was more than missing her; it was knowing that if he struggled so much when they were apart, then surely she did as well. And to know that his absence would allow that clinging vine of loneliness to ensnare her once more devastated him. Starting the Jeep, he snuck a glance back to her house, surprised and touched to find her still on the porch, her hand gripping the door frame tightly as she stared at the car. Batting away a solitary tear escaping his left eye, he turned and waved before pulling away, tapping his fingers upon the wheel in time with the song on the radio.

With no traffic to contend with, he was home in a mere ten minutes, pulling into the driveway and parking at the bottom, not wanting to disturb his family's slumber more than necessary. The walk in the crisp morning air helped to balance the wild emotions flooding him: the fear of his father's reactions; his sister's worries and how he could reassure her; the longing he felt to be back at Bella's side; and the fear that such a delicate creature would be destroyed by the perpetual storm in his mind. His mind flickered to the way she'd dug into her skin and he decided to do a little investigation online. _Wide awake, anyway_.

The house was silent and still as he crept into the study, where the main household computer lay waiting. Logging into his profile, he pulled up the browser, directing it to Google. He froze suddenly, unable to resist checking one other thing first. _I can't believe I'm doing this_, he grumbled as the obnoxiously cute page with the blue bird loaded. Typing in his username and password, he watched as the home page loaded, surprised to see a 'Tweet', as they were called, from two minutes prior.

_E, this is the song I made an ass of myself to. He does it better, yes? /~e76gs_

Clicking the link, Edward was greeted by a bluesy man with an acoustic guitar, plucking out the same sad song he had listened to from the stairs. Nodding with approval at this Matthew Good of hers, he toyed with the Blip FM site, cruising its features. Much to his chagrin, he caved and enrolled five minutes later, expecting Alice to prance into the study at any moment to laugh. With a quick search of his own, he shot off a 'blip' of his own, hoping his beautiful... girlfriend... would see it.

_Girlfriend..._ The word pleased and petrified him. _No thinking_, he warned himself. _Just feel._

Checking to see his message in a musical bottle had made its way to her, Edward flipped back to Google and began his search for answers. Carlisle was right; they were both fragile beings. But if he could know the weaknesses in her mental armour, perhaps her could help fortify them. Entering 'scratching arms+mental illness' he pressed enter, the first result catching his eye.

"Self-mutilation? What the...?"

Clicking the link, he realized he'd stumbled onto an electronic scan of a textbook on the subject. Rubbing his weary eyes, Edward slowly began to read, haunted by red lines on porcelain flesh...

* * *

**INTERACTION TIME!**

_Click the link below for details and come play, my pretties. Doucheward and Bella won't take no for an answer. The interactive element **will contain SUBTLE hints/spoilers to plot elements to come**, so pay close attention and above all else, have fun!_

_casket4mytears[dot]wordpress[dot]com/interactive/_


	7. Chapter 7

_AN: _

_I have been truly touched and thrilled by the responses to this story. Each and every reviewer has my utmost love and respect for taking the time to let me know what they think. A special thank you to those with whom I've emailed, PM'ed or simply carried a dialogue. I cannot stress how important this story is to me on a personal level._

_I've also been highly amused with those who've chosen to come play on Twitter with Doucheward and Bitchella. Rest assured, a LOT of material is there for future chapters. One thing I want to reassure people of: **no major spoilers will be featured on the Twitter account**. Follow **ForkedUp** to play along. _

_Thanks to angelicwish/Megsly, who has been my test driver for this story and is generally awesome. Are you reading her work? You ought to!_

_**STAY TUNED FOR THE END NOTES FOR SPECIAL NEWS**._

_As always, Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight; I just like to make her characters curse and get kinky. I also love 'em angsty._

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

Bella towel-dried her long mahogany locks and sighed, running a large comb through the tangles as she stood naked before the mirror. Immediately, as was her custom, her eyes began their critical examination of her face, weighing in on how bad things were. _Cheeks aren't sunken like after the accident; this is an improvement. Eyes are dark, circled; I need to sleep more_. Her mind drifted immediately to how she'd felt in Edward's arms, her naked flesh curled to his, and a wave of calm flooded her. _Scratch that; I need to sleep with Edward more often and, in turn, actually sleep_. Hanging the towel on the back of the door, her hands drifted along her slight frame, caressing the sides of her breasts, her waist, her hips, falling away as they connected with her thighs. Bella had never had an issue with her body, besides being bitter at its utter lack of coordination embarrassing her at every stair, hill or slight crack in a tile. She heard the girls in her gym class afterwards, bemoaning every aspect of their bodies until they had torn themselves to pieces, the full-length mirrors a war zone that claimed casualties every minute; such hatred mystified her. She felt herself to be plain, average in all ways, but she didn't hate her smallish breasts, nor did she begrudge her lacking hips. Her inner self was what she hated, and it demanded all of her time and energy.

Her eyes gazed downwards at her ankles, wincing at the way lines of flesh fell in relief to the pale skin, crisscrossing patterns along the inner surfaces. She both loved and hated the lines, their presence a sign of weakness and also strength; without them, she would be dead, but with them, she was undeniably sick and twisted, a dark creature who destroyed even herself. Bella sighed, shaking her head as she looked to the mirror, her frown intensifying. Sooner or later, Edward would see them; he'd already caught her clawing at her arms, something she often did unconsciously when upset, unaware until she'd dug hard enough to draw blood. What would he think? Would he think her ugly? Insane? Her right hand reached down, grazing the single thick scar along her hip, thus far unnoticed - or perhaps not recognized for its self-inflicted nature. _If he leaves... No. I'm not even going to consider it. There is no way but with him. He is my boyfriend, and has been nothing but compassionate and caring so far_. Tossing her hair over her shoulder, Bella padded naked across the hall of the deserted house, shutting her door behind her.

_Boyfriend._ The word itself brought a grin to her face, shattering the melancholy that had fallen like the raining water of the shower pulsing overhead. Bella had never been one to date; boys usually didn't notice her, unless they were looking for someone to trip in the hall for a laugh. It was only after she'd moved from Forks that she'd drawn attention from the opposite sex, and even then, the only one she'd consented to giving the time of day was Jacob Black, and that was because he had been a friend for years. Edward was so unexpected, so not the guy who paid her attention; then again, he didn't act the role of the entitled rich asshole, either. Things were moving so fast - from bitter argument to friendly banter to intimacy - and yet, it felt too slow. She wanted more. She wanted him around every morning, wanted to know how his skin would feel in the warm beams of sunrise; hell, she almost wanted him to catch her singing, tone-deaf and hopeless, each and every sleepless night, in hopes he would sing for her and tuck her back into bed. _God, his voice! He could make an album with a voice like that!_ Smiling now, her fears pushed back as she recalled the rich, bluesy tones that accompanied her own mezzo-soprano, Bella slipped into a pair of lacy black bikini briefs and a matching bra and began pawing through her closet for something to wear. After some debate, Bella settled on deep blue flared jeans and a black peasant blouse her mother had bought her just before her death.

"I'll take you with me to meet them, Mom," she whispered, "I think you'd love Edward. You'd probably hit on him, actually. But you'd like him."

Her hair still damp, Bella made her way down the stairs, intent on tidying up downstairs before Charlie came home. Her cell phone lay charging on the living room table, beside the laptop, and she checked for messages, lest Charlie had called. Her voicemail announced no messages and she hit the End button, turning to her computer. Popping open iTunes, she began a new playlist for Edward's mix CD and shuffled every Matthew Good track she owned, flipping next to her browser to start her morning routine of email and the like.

Popping onto Twitter first, she logged in and clicked the ForkedUp link, surprised by the first Tweet she saw waiting.

_B, a song for you: "If I would, could you?" For you, I always will... save you from granola baptisms. /~e76q0_

"Ha! I KNEW I could get him hooked!" Bella crowed, pausing iTunes and clicking the link.

She recognized the song immediately from her Seattle Grunge phase a year back, her heart swelling with emotion. _Darkly beautiful... Like Edward_. Singing along quietly, she addressed a few other replies from her cluster of equally jaded followers and jumped to her Google account, finding her email empty and her Reader brimming with new articles. _Shit, I keep forgetting to read these_, Bella groaned, opting to ditch all of the posts from political blogs and pulling up Cyanide and Happiness instead. The serious stuff could wait for a while; right now, she wanted to enjoy the afterglow of another night with Edward and brace herself for Charlie's wrath.

"_Into the flood again, same old trip it was back then. So I made a big mistake - try to see it once my way_..."

Bella's mind drifted to last year, when there was no awkwardness surrounding La Push and her father's friendship with Billy. There were so many things she longed to undo, things she would happily change if she were able. She would give her life to remedy the damage she'd done, without any hesitation. But there was nothing she could do; her father had tried, in spite of her pleas to leave it be, to will a truce into existence. If nothing else, Charlie was loyal to her, standing by her in the face of a grave error in judgement and its fall-out. For this, she loved him dearly. It was partially to spare him being pulled back and forth that she'd attempted suicide; she'd wanted him to be free. This truth would never be spoken to him, Bella knew, but it was the one thing that the psychiatrist assessing her at the hospital had held up as proof that she wasn't a selfish person, but one who perhaps cared _too_ much at times, and she clung to it like a talisman on bad nights.

The song ended and Bella resumed her playlist hunt, forcing herself to focus on comics and not on the screaming, anguished faces that lived in her nightmares. A clicking in the front door lock startled her half an hour later and she lowered the volume on her music, biting her lower lip as Charlie entered slowly, treading lightly.

"Hi Dad," she called out nervously, rooted to the couch.

Charlie's gaze fell on her and she winced; it was his 'worried sick' face. _Crap. This could be a long, long day_.

"Bells, you're home."

"I came home last night at dinner," she explained, "I got your message."

Charlie's face grew more strained with worry as he sat down his bag at the door and stepped into the room, "I didn't know. I never would have stayed out there if I knew-"

"It's fine. I'm fine."

"Bella, you haven't stayed alone since-"

"Charlie, it's _fine_," Bella insisted, "You have a right to a life. I survived, didn't I?"

"That's not funny, Bella," Charlie replied sharply, stepping closer to the couch.

"I'm sorry. How was the party?"

"Good. Billy asked about you. So did Seth Clearwater."

"Was Jake there?" Bella asked anxiously.

"No, he took off for the weekend with Sam, Emily and Leah," Charlie answered quietly, his eyes shifting downward, "He's fine, though, from what Billy says. We caught a lot of fish," he added, gesturing to the bag by the door.

"We'll have to cook some up tonight then," Bella murmured, "With lemon and dill?"

Charlie nodded, rocking back and forth on his feet, obviously unsure of how to broach the subject of Bella quitting group therapy. In spite of his generally detached approach to life, Bella knew how to read his slight facial movements and nervous habits. Running a hand through her damp hair, Bella decided to help him out for once. _God knows I've put him through enough bullshit_.

"I had to quit group, Dad. It really wasn't helping me at all."

"Bells, you need to talk to someone about... you know-"

"About my little garage stunt? Yes, I know. I do. But that is exactly _why_ I won't go back: I wasn't talking. I didn't feel comfortable with the other people. I didn't like Dr. Jones' style and her way of speaking to people. The woman's a granola child of rainbows, Dad. Her touchy-feely New Age approach made me sick. And it wasn't just me; Edward thought she was annoying as hell, too."

"Who's Edward?" Charlie asked, an eyebrow raising.

_Shit. 'Um, you see Dad, Edward cursed at Dr. Jones, which I found strangely alluring. After a bad start, we ended up drinking for hours then sleeping together, and we did it again in my room last night. I promise we were safe! I'm 21!' I guess he'd figure it out quickly enough, anyway_...

"Edward Cullen. He and I... Well, it's so new and all, but... We're kinda... sorta... dating now?"

Charlie's stony silence sent a shiver down Bella's spine. _Oh. Crap_. Rising to her feet, Bella approached her father slowly, her hand tentatively reaching for his arm.

"Dad? Look, I know it's sudden, but he's friends with Ronan. Ronan set us up to drink, thinking we'd make good friends in our miserable little worlds, but it just... It's more. He's really good to me, and I'm going over to spend time with his family later tonight."

Charlie nodded, ever so slightly, "Dr. Cullen's boy?"

"Yes. The younger one."

"Hmmph. He used to be a bit of an ass. Speeding tickets, mostly. Bella, I don't know if I like this - NOT because of who he is, but because you're... Bella, you're not well. And if he was there, _he's_ not well-"

"Which is why we understand each other, why he _gets_ me in a way that next to nobody can right now," Bella countered, feeling the heat rise in her cheeks.

"I'm just saying that he could break your heart, Bella. And the last time that happened..."

Charlie's voice trailed, off, his eyes blinking hard as he averted his gaze. Wordlessly, Bella threw herself against his chest, hugging him tightly, her own eyes moistening against her will. _See what you've done to him, you wretch? You just hurt people, time and time again!_ His sturdy arms surrounded her, squeezing gently.

"I know I'm not around much, and I know I don't say it a lot, but I love you, Bells. I don't ever want to see you that low again, you understand me?"

"I know," Bella whispered, "This feels different."

"You need to talk to somebody other than Edward, Bella," he pressed.

"I will, I promise. Edward's dad is a doctor, so maybe he'll know someone else I can see, maybe near work?"

Charlie's hands gripped her shoulders, pressing her backwards and allowing his brown eyes to fix upon hers. He inhaled deeply, holding his breath as he sought out answers to the questions he dared not breathe aloud, the ones Bella could imagine for him: _Are you suicidal? Are you drinking too much? Are you happy?_ With a deep breath of her own, Bella composed the best answer she could for these and other questions bound to be brewing within him.

"I want to be better for him, Dad."

Charlie nodded, "I want to meet him tonight."

"I already warned him; he's bringing the Kevlar vest," Bella joked weakly, her skin beginning to crawl with the tension in the room.

"I'm not that bad, Bella," Charlie muttered, "Did you eat yet?"

"Nope. Want some bacon and eggs?"

"Sounds good, kid," Charlie affirmed, allowing Bella to slide past him towards the kitchen, "Oh, and Bella?"

Bella paused at the foyer, glancing back over her shoulder, "Yeah?"

With a wicked grin, Charlie spoke, "That vest won't protect him where I'd shoot him if he mistreats my daughter."

Bella shook her head, laughing, "You're hopeless! I'll be a spinster if you have your way!"

"Just a virgin until thirty," Charlie quipped, settling in on the couch.

Beelining for the cupboards and selecting a frying pan, Bella smiled to herself. _For your own sake Charlie, cling to that misinformation. Because I'd hate to see what you'd do to either of the men who've deflowered your baby girl._

* * *

The day passed slowly, painfully so, as Bella did her best to distract herself from the hours separating her from Edward's side. After breakfast and dishes, Bella had forced herself to head to bed and nap for a few hours, her body drained from weeks of restlessness and rages. Pressing her head to the pillow where Edward had laid his head, she'd inhaled deeply, the lingering scent of him soothing her to three hours of deep sleep. The downside was awakening with tangled, wild locks that refused to be tamed and a blouse that needed a quick press to be presentable again. Pulling her hair up into a wild, messy bun, Bella made her way downstairs, surprised to find her father absent. A note on the fridge indicated he'd gone down to the station, 'But I will be back for dinner and to meet your boyfriend.' Bella chuckled, pouring herself a glass of juice and settling in with the laptop on the couch.

On cue, it began to rain heavily, nature echoing the sadness she felt at being separated from the one person who could hold her sanity steady in the storm inside her head. The droplets slid against the window pane, streaks fading and blending together, water weaving itself into a tiny rivulet pouring to meet the ground. Bella watched them for a while, her eyes tracking the tiniest ones, marvelling at how they shimmered when strange beams of sunlight cut a swath through the murky clouds overhead. Were raindrops unique, like snowflakes? Were the clouds sentient and aware of the power they had to sway mood by choosing to withhold or release moisture to the expectant earth below? With a sigh, Bella flipped to her account, tapping keys and pressing enter to search. _Time to start today's playlist_, she mused. As Shirley Manson's voice filled the room, she tapped in her message.

_I remember when Ronan told me about this track. It was like Shirley was singing my manifesto on life in Forks. Need more rain songs, E. Hel_p? _ /~e8avs_

Singing along, she quickly chose tracks for Edward's CD, sorting them into an order she felt flowed nicely. Bella was admittedly anal retentive about mixes and playlists; she often spent hours picking and choosing tracks and sorting their order, to the point where Ronan had started joking she was becoming John Cusack in _High Fidelity_. She remembered how he'd laughed at her response: _"You say it like it's a bad thing!"_ Truth be told, Bella had a crush on Rob Gordon's character as a thirteen year-old; he'd been the reason why she'd become so obsessed with music in the first place. Intellectually, she knew he was a cheating, lying asshole to his girlfriend and yet, his knowledge of music and neuroticism was somehow _so damn sexy_. Her mother probably should have taken it as a sign of mental dysfunction and plunked her straight into therapy then.

Her Twitter feed was a mess of the inane and various complaints about the weather, celebrities and family. One tweet, however, caught her eye:

_Would a muzzle be an unacceptable wedding gift for my brother and his bitch... I mean bride?_

Bella laughed out loud, shaking her head at Edward's remarks. He really, _really_ didn't like this woman marrying his brother. She could only imagine that the muzzle comment was spurred by either inane babble or (most likely) overhearing something dreadful from their bedroom this morning. Either way, Bella was grateful that there was one less person to impress that night at the Cullen home: if Edward found her dreadful, then she was allowed to ignore any negativity slung her way. The one person whose opinion she worried most about was his sister's; despite his assurance that Alice would like her, Bella could sense their closeness, and understood that she would be scrutinized by the tiny girl from the Porsche. _What if she doesn't like me_? With a groan, Bella flipped back to her Google Reader, alternating between the 175 new posts and her , searching for songs about rain and favouriting the ones she liked best. One of her finds ended up on her iTunes after a quick purchase, and she immediately broadcast it, hoping it would find Edward before their evening together.

_How about this one? "Sadness like water, raining down..." /~e8ib3_

Humming along, Bella checked the clock beside the TV. _Four o'clock; Charlie should be home shortly. _Rising and stretching, Bella slipped into the kitchen and whipped up a quick marinade for the fresh fish, leaving it in the fridge as she cleaned and prepared asparagus for steaming. Her playlist ended and she frowned, pulling out the potatoes she intended to bake and abandoning them on the counter. Clicking through her home page, she noticed a blip from Edward and felt a stupid grin growing on her face.

_I'm more partial to this Moby track, myself... Trip out, my Bitchella, and enjoy. /~e8jcu_

Pressing play, Bella nodded with satisfaction; the song was fantastic, and kept with her theme. _I wonder what he's doing_, she mused, returning to her dinner preparations. A part of her longed to call him, if only to hear his voice, but she forced her hands to remain occupied in the kitchen. _I can't be too clingy. He has his own worries, and his family probably wants some time with him too._ A clicking in the lock at the front door brushed aside all debate; her father was home. _Please, please like Edward. Please don't scare him away_. Her father's slight smile and nod as he stepped into the foyer was a promising sign; the morning's conversation had been dismissed as complete. Dinner, at least, would be pleasant. Hopefully, the post-dinner conversation would proceed just as well.

Outside the rain continued to pour, relentless in its assault. Turning to the window looking out upon the backyard, Bella wondered if her depression would forever be the same as this storm. From the living room, Moby's soft voice accented her reverie.

"_I close my eyes  
__It doesn't work  
__I can hear tomorrow  
__I can't stand to see the morning come  
__While the evening rain's still falling..."_

* * *

Settling into the passenger seat of Edward's Volvo, Bella heaved a sigh of relief. Charlie had thankfully not grilled Edward _too_ harshly, although he'd apparently looked up his driving abstract and mentioned an outstanding parking ticket to him seventy seconds after he'd stepped through her front door. Bella had mouthed an apology as Edward shrugged, thanking the Chief for reminding him and setting an alert in his cell phone to pay it the following day. His deft handling of Charlie's subtle challenge had won a tacit approval and a quick release from his interview - for now, at least. As Edward turned the key and revved the engine, Bella chuckled, shaking her head.

"Did you know that he would bring that up?"

Edward laughed, "It occurred to Alice that the Chief might check me out, so I came prepared for something of that nature."

Bella's jaw dropped, "She really is psychic, isn't she?"

"I told you!" Edward grinned, pulling out onto the main drag, his fingers tapping against the wheel, "Although she'll argue that it was common sense, something she's adamant I lack. I have to apologize in advance: everybody is home, and I do mean _everybody_. Carlisle's in the study, Alice has her boyfriend Jasper over, and Rosalie and Emmett are fighting over table seating charts for the wedding - or they were. By now, Emmett's run off to hide with the Playstation 3 and Rosalie will be on her cell phone, bitching to her mom about some tiny detail she hates about the place setting cards."

Bella swallowed away the lump in her throat at the mental picture of impressing five new faces, deciding to find out more about Edward's muzzle comments, "You really don't care for her much, do you? I saw your Tweet and laughed very hard at it."

Edward sighed, "Rosalie is just very... superficial. Vain, really. She's also so... She wants the white picket fence, the 2.5 children, all that nonsense that society dictates makes your life perfect and normal. I don't relate to that yearning to conform to some supposed vision of perfect reality. This morning, she would just not shut up at breakfast and I wanted to stuff an orange in her mouth for some peace."

"Maybe she's into ball gags," Bella joked, "You could be doing Emmett a favour."

"Bella! That's horrible, and now I have a mental image," Edward groaned, flipping the turn indicator.

"Sorry; I'm a pervert. I blame it on the La Push kids. If the elders only knew..."

Edward cleared his throat, his hand reaching out to turn off the music quietly droning from the radio. Bella's body immediately stiffened, sensing that what was coming next would be painful or difficult to hear. Absently, her fingers toyed with the hem of her blouse, her breath caught in her lungs.

"Bella, before we get to my house, I wanted to ask you something important," Edward began, "I just... I want to understand something." He glanced at her briefly with concern, his eyes returning to the water-logged road quickly.

"Um, okay..." _Oh God. What did I do? What's wrong? Think, Bella: what have you done this time_?

Edward sucked in a deep breath, "Last night, you... You were clawing at yourself pretty viciously. I came home and I couldn't get it out of my head, so I started reading..." Edward's voice trailed off, his grip on the wheel tightening, "Shit, this is hard... Bella do you... have you...?"

Bella's eyes locked on the windshield wipers, her eyes flicking in time with the blades as the rain drummed lightly upon the glass, "D-do I w-what?"

_Don't. Don't ask it. PLEASE don't be asking it_... Inside her head, the bees began to buzz, that steady white noise that signalled the descent she dreaded. Her fingers curled tighter and Bella feared for the flimsy blouse.

Turning into a secluded driveway, Edward pulled off to the side, throwing the car into park, his question tumbling from his lips in a hurried mess, "Are you cutting yourself, Bella?"

The force of a truck slammed into Bella's chest, her lungs seizing as sparks flew across her vision. Choking back a sob, she felt herself buckle against the seat belt. _He knows_. The droning grew louder, her head swelling with the pressure of it, and a whimper escaped her lips. _Not again, not again..._

"Bella?"

* * *

**INTERACTION TIME!**

_It's awards season (well, it's always awards season in fic-land) and I'm thrilled that there are THREE competitions where my fics are nominated, **including this story**! I would appreciate your support, of course, but no matter what, GO VOTE/NOMINATE! Fanfiction can feel thankless, especially for lesser-known writers, so help ensure love reaches all the stories you care about._

**_DISC JOCKEYS FANS: Jasper is a finalist for Character You Wish Was Real at the Faithful Shipper Awards. Voting closes on the 12th so please hurry! Jasper promises to insult more customers and pose with Velvet if you do.  
thefaithfulshipperawards[dot]webs[dot]com/finalvotinground[dot]htm_**

**_DELIRATIO is already nominated for Best Crossover at the Sparkle Awards, but nominations are still open in a few categories. Plus, there's voting to come! Go check it out:  
thesparkleawards[dot]webs[dot]com/nominees[dot]htm_**

**_AND FOR YOU LOVELIES READING TATTOOS, this story has been nominated for Best All Human story at the Moonlight Awards! Nominations close tomorrow and then voting will begin! Go see (and thank you):  
themoonlightawards[dot]yolasite[dot]com/nominate[dot]php_**


	8. Chapter 8

_AN: _

_Whew! I busted my butt to deliver this to you and I hope to have a second chapter up by Sunday night. _

_A lot of people were pissed at Edward for just bluntly asking a sensitive question. I get it; he failed. But it was in keeping with his character and as he explains it, it'll hopefully make sense._

_This chapter is one of my favourites, if only for Alice. You'll see._

_Mucho thanks to my gorgeous beta sarawithouttheh, my partner in Skype and test reader, Megsly, and every single person who reviews._

_As always, I own nothing beyond my plot ideas and the bitchy dialogue I write for Bella._

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

"How long does it take to drive over to the Chief's place?"

"A while, Emm," Alice replied, a look of exasperation upon her face as she absently flipped through the latest issue of Vogue.

"Not this long," Emmett replied, absently tossing an orange into the air, catching it with the opposing hand, "Maybe she dumped him already."

"Or maybe she needed tampons on the way here! Emm, seriously, chill. You're going to freak her out and that would be a very bad thing," Alice concluded, glaring over the pages at her older brother.

Emmett remained still, back pressed against the centre island of the kitchen, a slight smirk crossing his lips. Alice rolled her eyes and returned to her article on peacoats, her fingers drumming the countertop anxiously. Edward had warned her that he needed to speak to Bella privately before their arrival, but he was a solid twenty-five minutes longer than she'd anticipated now. _Oh, Edward... What stupid thing did you say now?_ Her hands shook suddenly as her obnoxious brother plucked the magazine from her grasp, rolling it up and smacking her across the back of the head like a naughty puppy.

"You asshole!" Alice gasped, snatching at the now ruined issue, "You're replacing that!"

"No, I'm not!" Emmett cheerfully replied, "It's just a freaking magazine full of silicone models."

"Says the guy dating the most vapid Barbie of all," Alice growled, scrambling atop a stool and successfully wrestling her crumpled periodical away, "I liked this month's issue."

"You already read it yesterday."

"That's not the point," Alice grumbled, sulking.

"Hey, Alice?" Emmett asked quietly, "I know you're on probation with Edward's Magic Trustworthiness Club, and I'm sure he expects confidentiality, but... This Bella girl: is she... well, serious?"

Alice nodded, "Very."

"First since Liz, right?"

"Mmhmm. So don't fuck it up for him, Emm; he's plenty apt at that himself, and Bella... She could help us get _our_ Edward back."

Alice's gaze wandered to the picture window overlooking the creek and expanse of forest that surrounded the Cullen family home, the pitter-patter of rain upon the roof echoing her nervous heart's pace. Edward had refused to disclose his urgent matter with Bella, insisting it wasn't a secret he could betray. As the minute hand swept one more notch ahead, Alice prayed he hadn't blown it entirely.

"They're taking forever," Emmett complained, heaving a sigh.

_I know_, Alice worried. _Edward, where are you_?

* * *

Edward knew the moment the words had escaped his lips that he'd royally fucked things up.

He hadn't intended to be so utterly blunt about the subject; then again, he hadn't meant to destroy the lives of five people before the age of 23. His morning reading had led to a fitful nap filled with nightmares of Bella unintentionally cutting too deep and passing out in a tragic accident, images that refused to fade as he awoke in a cold sweat, sheets tangled about his legs. As he'd showered and shaved, the glistening edge of the razor made him panic; it was so sharp, so precise an instrument. One false move, and... _No. Bella will not become a statistic! But if she's hurting herself, I can't just make her stop. That's just a power play that will only make it worse, according to those books and sites. What can I do?_ With a growl of frustration, he'd stormed downstairs, seeking out his father's advice on the matter. He'd felt utterly useless when Bella had collapsed at the tattoo parlour the day before, unaware of her panic attacks or how to help her through them; he refused to be useless to her again.

His father had declined to comment on whether or not he knew of Bella actively injuring herself, reminding Edward of confidentiality clauses and constrictions. He listened carefully to Edward's insecurities and inquiries, offering sage advice on how to support her in her journey to eventually let go of the habit, even if her only form of self-injury was the clawing of her skin.

_"Remember, son; self-injury is a coping mechanism for pain, albeit a maladaptive one. It's her way of seeing another day. Think of it like an alcoholic: you can't just ask an addict to quit drinking in an instant - it's futile. She needs to learn new skills for coping with her feelings, and she needs to forgive herself for slipping up. Above all else, you cannot make her want to stop, so don't demand it."_

_"I'm terrified for her. I just... I don't want her to get so upset that she loses control of the injuries."_

_"Tell her that," his father had replied, "That's a fair thing to say."_

_"I don't think any less of her; it's not her fault she's depressed. I'm afraid she'll be embarrassed if I mention it, but if I don't, I'll just be staring and wondering..."_

_Carlisle__ had nodded, "And that will just make her uneasy, too. You have to talk about it soon."_

_"Thanks," Edward had blurted out, "I really needed to talk about it before seeing her. Please don't let on that I told you-"_

_"Of course. You know, Edward, these are the sorts of things a good therapist can also discuss with you. Sometimes, you may not even want to ask me," __Carlisle__ had remarked smoothly._

_"I said I'd go to someone," Edward had replied defensively._

_"I know that. I just want you to understand that a therapist is there to hear everything that upsets you, past and present."_

_"Noted. My girlfriend is awaiting a ride."_

_"I look forward to seeing her, son."_

As he'd driven towards the Swan home, he'd debated whether or not to have the discussion before or after her visit to his crowded home. While he knew that meeting his family would make Bella anxious, he also knew that the nightmares looping in his mind would leave him edgy and possibly antisocial which, in turn, would make Bella worry that he was unhappy with her. It truly seemed no-win to him. The tipping point had been his mental imaginings of Rosalie treating Bella harshly, with Bella slipping away and finding his razor in the bathroom upstairs. _No. It has to be before. I'll go crazy, otherwise._ The matter settled, he'd taken a deep breath and stepped onto the battlefield with Bella's father, winning the first round with apology and responsibility.

And now, here he was, his stupid blunt tongue leaving the one beacon of light in his life in a stunned daze, her eyes wide and unseeing as her breathing grew shallow and rapid. A switch flipped inside of him and he suddenly understood: Bella was having another panic attack.

"Bella?"

She refused to look at him, her head pressed firmly against the seat, her hands twisting and curling into fists. Edward quickly released his seat belt and hers, knowing he had only a few seconds to avert a complete collapse. Seizing her by the shoulders, Edward spun her to face him, his eyes locked on hers.

"Bella, listen! It's okay. Breathe! I'm not mad at you. I'm so sorry I asked that way; it just... fell out. Come on, Bella; stay with me."

Her lower lip trembled as her eyes darted about, meeting his then spinning away, the lids growing heavy. _Fuck! No, no, no. Stay awake. Stay with me._ His hand cupped her chin lightly, the fingers stroking her cheeks.

"Bella, if you can hear me, blink hard, okay?"

A very decisive blink followed this request, a formless whimper escaping her lips. Edward felt his own heart begin to race in fear for her, his throat thick. He still had a chance to bring her back from the brink.

"Good. Bella, you have to breathe slower and deeper or you'll pass out. You have to breathe with me, okay? Stay with me, please? Try it; take the deepest breath you can and hold it."

Edward drew his own breath in, holding it, his eyes anxiously watching for her to follow suit. Her body shuddering violently, she managed to gasp in a small amount of air and hold it. Her fist struck her thigh absently and Edward forced himself to ignore it for now. _Whatever it takes to get her back down_.

Edward exhaled slowly, "Let it out. That was really good. Another?"

Again, he mirrored her, his own breaths deeper, steadier, but Bella was complying. A stray tear fell from her eye and he gently brushed it aside, smoothing her wavy hair from her face. Her third inhalation was almost normal and he sighed in relief as the wild fear in her eyes ebbed away.

"I'm so proud of you, Bella. Breathe a few more times. In and hold..."

A slight nodding of her head accompanied her next intake of air and Edward's hand enveloped hers, his thumb caressing her palm. Her fingers wove between his and he squeezed gently, the falling rain against the windshield a drone of white noise over which Bella's dragging gasps for air played out.

"Are you able to listen to me?" Edward asked quietly.

A small but certain nod followed, Bella's hand clenching about his.

"Okay. I want you to know that I have zero tact and zero capability of self-censoring. However, I have nothing but warmth and adoration for you. I didn't ask.. _that_ because it's wrong, or bad; it's part of your illness. I just..." Edward paused, collecting his thoughts, determined not to screw Bella up any worse than he already had, "I felt stupid when you fainted yesterday, like I should have known how to help you. I want to know what's wrong so I can help you, Bella. Your life is tantamount to my existence; there is no me without you giving me purpose. Does that make sense?"

Bella's eyes were moist pools of warm brown as she nodded firmly, her breathing rapid but deep. _She's coming down. _His free hand caressed her cheek lightly, his fingertips lingering upon her jaw line.

"I would have waited until after the family shit to ask, but I was afraid I'd look at you in some way that you'd misinterpret, and that... well, _this_ would happen," Edward confessed, his eyes averting to their intertwined hands, "Fuck, I suck as a boyfriend."

"N-n-no..." Bella stammered quietly, pressing her eyes closed, "G-good..."

Awash in relief, Edward pulled her closer, holding her against his chest, "I don't want to lose you."

Bella's body shuddered slightly against his, her voice scarcely audible above the din of the downpour, "Ugly..."

Edward frowned, pulling away to meet her gaze, "What? You?" At her anxious nod, Edward's lips met her forehead, "Not at all. Not to me."

"B-but the scars-"

"They're you," Edward interrupted, "They've kept you alive. And if you want me to help, I can. If there is _anything_ I can do, Bella, it's done."

She nodded, biting her lower lip, "I don't... I just _do_ it."

Edward pondered this a moment, "Your arms last night: you didn't realize what you were doing?"

Bella shook her head, "Not until you said... I thought about the other. So long ago, it was..."

"Would you like me to tell you when I see you do it?"

Bella nodded furiously, swiping at her tears, "I'm sorry."

"I'm the one who owes you an apology, Bella. I really should have handled this more delicately. How can I make it up to you?"

It was a simple request that Bella made for restitution: "Kiss me?"

Her shy smile was a beacon against the deep indigo of his self-flagellation, the deep slate grey of the sky outside no longer the landscape of his soul. His lips met hers gently, the tip of his tongue slipping out to run along the crease of her soft mouth. Her hands gingerly reached for his shoulders, pulling him closer to her. A satisfied murmur escaped from her pale throat as Edward leaned over the glove box, their kissing more electric as he was suddenly flooded with the desire to consume her. The air in the car felt alive, every cell of his being surging with the intensity of their bodies colliding, their hands roaming each other in a frenetic fumbling as Bella shimmied to half straddle his lap. Edward groaned as her knee grazed the hardening mass between his legs, his hand cupping her ass through her jeans, fingertips pressing into the denim-clad flesh as if his life depended on maintaining that hold on her. The cool metal of her tongue piercing against his upper lip left him ravenous, and he groaned loudly.

"Do we... have to... meet your family?" Bella asked, breaking away to trail kisses along his jugular.

"Yeah... Unfortun-_fuck_!" Edward growled as her teeth sank into his shoulder, "Bella, we don't have time-"

"I know," Bella sighed, "Later?"

With one final, lingering kiss, Edward nodded, "Absolutely."

As he turned the key, his ears scarcely caught Bella's quiet whisper, "You aren't disgusted with me?"

Pulling slowly up the winding driveway of the Cullen home, Edward flashed a smile at Bella's troubled visage, "Never. Worried? Naturally. Repulsion never crossed my mind, not once."

"Promise?"

"I do," Edward assured her, pulling around the back of the looming two-storey structure and cutting the engine, "Come on; we'll go through the back and meet Carlisle first. He's the easiest sell, as it were."

Bella chuckled, "So you're selling me already? Am I chattel?"

"You are precious," he noted, wrapping an arm about her shoulders as he helped her out of the car.

"Precious chattel, then?"

"Shut up, Bitchella, and accept that you are my life now."

"Quit being a Doucheward, then, and learn to laugh once in a while," Bella teased, tossing her hair back.

The cobblestone pathway wound towards the glass patio doors at the rear of the Cullen home, the doors that Edward now slid open carefully, a finger pressed to his lips to silence Bella. She nodded knowingly, accepting his guidance through the spacious kitchen with its walls of honey yellow and ornate oak furniture through a short hall whose only interruption was a single door. It was upon this door that Edward rapped lightly, his lips pressed to the top of her head.

"Come in."

Edward turned the brass knob slowly, holding the door open for Bella as they entered Carlisle's sanctuary in their madhouse. The antique lamps were aglow, casting gently swaying shadows along shelves of textbooks and bound journals. His father rose from his desk, his fountain pen clinking against the cherry wood as he moved to greet them, his smile warm and genuine.

"Bella... A pleasure to see you."

Edward felt Bella stiffen against him, and he glanced sideways to see her cock her head to the left, her gaze narrowing, as if trying to see beyond the blonde hair and brilliant white teeth to a deeper truth. When she spoke at last, her voice hoarse, Edward felt his stomach bottom out.

"You were there. The hospital...."

Carlisle nodded, "I was the attending physician. You look much better now."

Bella frowned, "You... Twice, now." Bella groaned as she glanced from Edward to Carlisle, "Oh, bloody hell! _Doctor Cullen_. This is embarrassing..."

Edward ran a hand through his hair, tugging at the messy strands, "Wait; you treated Bella and didn't tell me?"

Carlisle shrugged, "I work at the only hospital in the county, Edward. The odds were pretty great. I explained patient confidentiality earlier, son."

Bella's audible sigh of relief soothed Edward's displeasure at his father's blatant omission of facts. _Whatever happened, Bella isn't ready to speak of it, yet. Her happiness is all that matters_. With a nervous smile, she extended her hand to his father.

"Thank you, Dr. Cullen," she mumbled.

"Carlisle, Bella," he chided lightly, "Bella, I want you to know that you are welcome here any time. Consider our home your own. And please, do let me know if you need anything."

Bella shrugged her shoulders, her eyes locked upon her sneakers, "I, um... Well, my dad wants me to replace Dr. Jones pretty quickly. I was thinking near work in Port Angeles?"

"Absolutely; I know a woman there who would be a great choice. I can promise you that she is _nothing_ like Amelia. Not that there's anything wrong with her approach, per se," he added, shooting a stern look at his son, "but different people need different things."

"Thanks, Carlisle. I see where Edward gets his kindness from."

Edward felt his cheeks flush as his father beamed, "I think that's more from Esme's genes, but thank you. I'll make a call first thing in the morning for you. Speaking of, I have a few patients to ring. I believe Alice and the others have commandeered the home theatre, if you'd care to join them."

"If we don't, Alice will hunt me down and draw blood with her pixie claws," Edward grumbled, "Tell me she's not watching it again, Carlisle."

His father's expression spoke volumes, "Alice commandeered the home theatre."

"Shit," Edward grumbled, "Prepare for horrors, Bella. We'll see you later."

His hand taking hers, Edward led Bella out of the study, the door quietly shutting behind them. Bella ground to a halt, her hand reaching out to block his passage to the waiting doom ten feet down the hall.

"Spill," Bella insisted, "What's so awful about your sister taking charge of the home entertainment?"

"She has an obsession," Edward sighed, "It's possibly a new mental disorder."

"And that is?"

With a grimace, Edward replied, "OGD - Obsessive _Glee _Disorder."

Bella's eyes lit up as she stifled a giggle, "As in that TV show plastered everywhere?"

"One and the same, love. Are you ready for this?"

Bella shrugged, "As long as it's not _High School__ Musical_, we'll be alright. Lead the way to the judges' circle."

Edward pulled her closer, his lips brushing against hers, "No matter what they say, you'll always be first place in my books."

"Should I be wearing ribbons like a prized heffer?" Bella quipped.

"No, but Rose should, selfish cow that she is," Edward muttered.

As they stepped through the main foyer into the vast living room, Edward swore he heard Bella audibly gasp in awe. It was a frequent occurrence with friends of the Cullen family; guests would marvel at the ornate and eccentric furnishings, the floor to ceiling windows with ivy designs embedded within the glass, the track lighting and the projection screen TV with speakers at every angle, and Edward would only see that Emmett was in his favourite spot. Several wise investments over the years and Esme's success as an interior designer had ensured that the Cullen children wanted for nothing, It was easy to forget that one's day-to-day could be so far beyond the norm. As Bella's eyes fell upon the windows, her smile broadened, eyes locked on the dancing droplets of water that slid along the panes, dimly lit by the murky evening sky.

"Bella!"

Edward's grip on Bella's shoulder tightened slightly as his sister literally propelled herself to standing with a bounce reminiscent of a kangaroo. Startled, Bella leaned against his side, eyeing the petite female in the pale blue empire waist dress with suspicion. Without any hesitation, the raven-haired ball of energy threw her arms around Bella, hugging her tightly.

"I'm so happy to meet you! I'm Alice, and we're going to be best friends."

Edward grumbled, "Forcing someone to be your shopping buddy is not friendship, Alice Cullen."

"Um, hi?" Bella squeaked.

"See? You're freaking her out, Tinker-hell!" Edward complained, rolling his eyes.

Alice laughed, "She's just not used to happiness, being as she's spent her time with your Eeyore ass. And don't worry about shopping just yet; that's a beautiful top. You obviously have a sense of style in there somewhere."

"That style would be Wal-Mart," a disinterested voice piped up from the far right.

Edward glowered at his brother's fiancée, contemplating the image of that muzzle he'd looked up online after breakfast. Emmett quickly slapped a hand over Rosalie's perfectly painted mouth, muttering something in her ear that Edward hoped was along the lines of, '_You're a total bitch from hell, and Edward will eviscerate you soon_.' Bella, much to his shock, took the remark in stride, pushing past Alice to face off with the ice queen.

"Well, sweetheart," she cooed, "We can't all look like whores from _The Hills_, now can we? Tell me, between us girls: you tried to get on the show and lost to Sister Pratt, didn't you? That's okay; I hear they're making a new _Showgirls_ flick. Perhaps you can be Slutty Dancer Number Three?"

Edward's palm pressed across his mouth as Bella stepped backwards, licking her lips, "Oh, and the blouse? It's Juicy Couture, not Wal-Mart. Not all of us are vapid enough to wear LC's line, but what can you do?"

Alice buckled forward in a fit of laughter, "Oh my God, Bella! I love you! Edward, she's delicious. I'm keeping her!"

Edward pulled Bella close to him as Rosalie huffed and stormed towards the kitchen, Emmett chuckling under his breath. A slight trembling of her body revealed that beneath her bravado, Bella was upset by his future sister-in-law's barb, and he kissed her forehead to soothe her.

"Now that our Diva has retired, I'll introduce you to the family. The blonde gentleman with the delicate Southern twang and a pixie usually joined to his hip-"

"Or other places," Alice giggled, winking.

"Ugh, gross, Ali. Jasper Whitlock, Bella Swan."

Bella smiled shyly as Jasper rose to take her hand, bowing, "A pleasure, Bella."

"Thank you."

Edward gestured to the hulking man sprawled on the larger couch clutching a bag of gummy bears, "And the overgrown child with zero taste in women would be my older brother, Emmett."

Emmett rose to his feet, shoving Edward away from Bella and snaring her in a bear hug. Bella's fists pounded his back as her legs swung through the air, her protests ignored as Emmett's laughter boomed through the house. Alice ran interference, blocking Edward's attempts to save Bella from the patented Tilt-A-Mett that every member of the Cullen family knew all _too_ well.

"Edward! Do something!" Bella laughed.

"There's no fighting Emmett," Alice concluded, "Although if he, for some reason, wishes to keep his fiancée, he ought to go check on her. I vote for letting her leave, but that's me."

Emmett sighed, gently plunking Bella back on the hardwood floor, "She's on the rag, today; I'll give her a minute. Gummy bear?"

Bella snatched the entire bag from Emmett's grasp, his look of confusion bringing a smile to Edward's face, "Thanks, bro!"

"I believe I said bear, _singular_," Emmett interjected.

"And I believe you owe me for swinging me around with my permission," Bella replied nonchalantly, "Edward, where do I sit for this horror of which you speak?"

Alice pouted, "Stop pretending you don't like _Glee_, Edward!"

"I'll check on Rose," Emmett sighed, making his way towards the kitchen, "And I still vote to watch _24_!"

"This is not a democracy, Emm; it's a _Glee_-ocracy!"

Edward rolled his eyes, pulling Bella down onto a well-worn black leather sofa, "I am so sorry she's doing this on your first night."

Alice skipped over to the loveseat adjacent to them, where Jasper had sprawled out in his jeans and t-shirt, "You act like Bella doesn't already appreciate the wonder that is _Glee_. I'm sure she's thrilled. Right, Bella?"

Bella shrugged, "I don't really watch TV."

Alice gasped loud enough that Edward swore he heard Carlisle's study door open a crack, "OH MY GOD! That settles the episode, then! First episode for the virgin Gleek!"

"Jasper, I'm begging; get her to stop making these cutesy puns with the goddamn word?"

Jasper shrugged, throwing his hands up, "Edward, you know your sister. She cannot be captured or controlled. Just think of it like this: it's better than _Vampire Diaries_."

Edward shuddered, "You are a wise man. _Glee_ wins."

Emmett sauntered back into the living room, sans fiancée, "So, um, Rose left to talk wedding shop with her mom. Thanks for killing my sex life tonight, guys. My revenge will be a rousing game of Rock Band, complete with System of a Down action."

Bella feigned sympathy with an exaggerated 'Aww!' as Alice giggled, remote in hand as she tumbled onto Jasper's lap, "You'll live, stud. Now sit down and shut up! We're taking Bella's _Glee-_ginity."

"Alice!"

The tiny girl winked at Bella then stuck her tongue out at her brother, "I do it because it pisses you off, Sullen Cullen. Now, silence!"

As the opening credits rolled, Edward smiled as Bella sprawled across their couch, her legs occupying his lap. With a casual expression, she waved to Emmett, who was at once relieved and restless over Rosalie's angry exit.

"Gummy bear?"

* * *

Fifteen minutes into the first episode, Bella was laughing as hard as Alice at Jane Lynch's sadistic cheerleading coach while Emmett doled out the first of many vodka coolers.

By the end of the episode, Bella and Alice were dancing around with empty bottles, climbing the furniture in a rousing rendition of Journey's _Don't Stop Believin'_.

By the middle of the second episode, everyone was four rounds in and Emmett was rapping along with Kanye West's _Gold Digger_, while Jasper beatboxed in the background, much to Alice's dismay.

By the beginning of the fourth episode, everyone - Edward included, albeit reluctantly - was singing along to Beyonce's _Single Ladies_ while laughing hysterically at Kurt's sequined unitard.

"I can't breathe!" Bella gasped, watching as Kurt prepared to kick his first football for the team.

"Just wait!" Alice giggled, "Kurt's _really_ going to show these boys how it's done!"

As the coach declared that he'd allow Kurt to wear a tutu on the field if it meant scoring, Edward threw up his hands in surrender, "It's not ever going to be my favourite thing, and I'll likely always need alcohol to endure it, but this show isn't terrible. You win, Alice."

Alice squealed, clapping her hands excitedly, "I _told you_! It's the dark humour of it that helps it transcend the base concept of a show choir."

Jasper raised a bottle to Edward, who clinked it with his own, "Bro, how'd you figure I survive the show three times a week? Beer!"

"And gratuitous amounts of sex," Alice piped up.

"I need to download this," Bella declared, her words slurring, "And then I need to play the Rihanna bit for Ronan."

"He's going to eventually kill you, you know. And then I'm going to have to murder him in revenge," Edward replied.

"Wait, Ronan? As in the guy who does your ink?" Emmett asked.

"The one and only Mick Prick," Bella answered, giggling, "He's my partner in crime, and unfortunately, my boss. He's going to be sorry he ever bought us drinks to distract me from his leaving me stranded in Port Angeles."

"He already regrets it," Edward sighed.

Bella giggled, crawling over Edward's lap to kiss him, "Fuck him!"

"No, thanks!" Edward shouted, feigning horror.

"Shut up! It's dance lesson time!" Alice laughed, "Watch, Bella!"

Edward gently lifted Bella off of him, gathering empty bottles and making his way to the kitchen. As the glass clinked upon the counter, he sensed someone behind him. Turning around, he found his exuberant sister, cheeks flushed from inebriation, a sly smile upon her lips.

"What?"

"I want to buy that girl a new wardrobe, and possibly a car. Edward, do you realize it?"

Edward frowned, "Realize what?"

Alice skipped towards him, teetering on her toes to throw her arms around his neck, "_My_ Edward was out there just now, laughing and _singing_ and joking around with his family. And that's all her."

As Alice pulled back, Edward's brow furrowed, "I laughed before."

"Barely," Alice whispered, "Look, Edward: I know Emmett gets pissed that he can't bring you out of your moods, but I'm far less concerned with the _how_ and _why_ of what makes you well. I know that underneath, you've got a lot to deal with. But seeing how you look at her, at how easily she tugs you out of your shell? I owe her so much already. So do your sister a huge favour, and don't fuck this up, okay? Because she may not understand yet, but she's going to be my best friend, too."

"I don't want to fuck it up," Edward said quietly, "I don't. I _can't_. And _best friends_, Alice?"

"Are you betting against me?" Alice giggled, "Because I'm ready to throw down cash."

"You know I don't bet against you when drunk," Edward grumbled, remembering the sting of the five hundred bucks he'd lost the last time he'd done such a thing.

Pulling open the fridge, Alice began passing Edward the last of the coolers, "She obviously likes you as you are, even the brooding. Just be honest with her, and I think you'll both be fine. Alright?"

Edward nodded, "Thanks, Alice. You guys have been wonderful to her. She's already acting like-"

"Like she belongs? Like she's home? She is, Edward. From the moment she schooled Rose, Emm and I knew it. She's your Jazz. So hold on tight, mister."

Edward and Alice juggled the bottles out to the living room, where Bella was tossing gummy bears into Emmett's mouth, laughing as he imitated a seal, complete with the clapping of 'flippers' (in reality, a set of ballet flats upon his hands). Edward shook his head, cracking open a bottle for Bella and passing it her way. The twinkle in her eye as she subtly jerked her head to the spiral staircase behind her betrayed how very, _very_ wasted she'd become. Alice, equally tanked, nearly spilled a cooler down Emmett's back in trying to pass it to him.

"One of these days, Alice - POW! Right to da moon!" Emmett joked, shaking his fist.

_The moon_, Edward thought. _Yes. Yes, I should show her that_.

Edward allowed the episode to finish, he and Jasper playfully commiserating about Alice's special brand of torture while his sister glared and pouted. Emmett snatched the remotes up at the end, demanding a round of Rock Band upon threat of a punishment on par with the infamous Great Cullen War of 2000, and Alice begrudgingly agreed. Teetering over to Bella, Alice beamed, her speech slurring slightly.

"We'll watch the rest next time! Boys can go to hell if they don't like it."

Bella grinned, "There's always manipulation. Lysistrata taught me well."

"Ah, political manipulation through sex! Timeless tale, that is," Jasper mused.

"Sarah Palin is but one example of many. God, you've heard about her book, right? I look forward to shoving its pages down the throat of Glen Beck and letting him choke on the biggest load of horseshit ever to steam up the world," Bella ranted.

"You'd think Oprah would have better things to do than offer that sock puppet from Alaska a seat on her show," Jasper grumbled, "Like discussing the racial implications of an Obama Chia Head, for starters."

"An Obama _what_?" Bella gasped.

Edward shook his head, "Oh, yes; Obama now has the nappy green hair that grows! I wonder if they'll create a limited edition version with a Nobel Peace Prize, just to capitalize off the man's image."

"That seriously annoys me. I don't recall a George W. Bush Chia Head. I would have bought it..."

"To smash it?" Jasper asked, grinning.

"Um, of course!" Bella exclaimed.

"This is wonderful and all, but it's already ten. If you three are done seducing my girlfriend, I'm stealing her away for quiet time," Edward announced, reaching for Bella's hand.

"Quiet time? Dude, you aren't doing it right if it's _quiet_," Emmett quipped.

"Emm, just boot up the Playstation already!" Alice cautioned, "And if you're not nice to my brother and my new friend, I'll make you play along with Bikini Kill."

Emmett threw up his hands, "Ugh, fuck! I'm shutting up, I swear!"

With quiet farewells, Edward led Bella up the staircase that wound clockwise towards the upper levels of the Cullen home, his arm wrapped firmly about her waist as she clumsily climbed. He watched as her eyes took in the collection of family photos that dotted the walls, unable to glance directly at the memories frozen in both black and white and colour. The rich oak handrail crested against a pale purple wall as they reached the next floor, and Edward pressed his lips against Bella's hair, inhaling her scent.

"I'm at the very end of the hall," he said quietly, gently nudging her onward.

Edward's room had southwestern exposure, a deliberate choice by Esme as she had assisted the architect in planning their homestead. Knowing that Edward had always been somewhat nocturnal, she'd afforded him the prime view of sunsets, all the while shielding his sleep from much of the glaring beams of early light. His hand hesitated upon the door handle, his room no longer his, not for months. For a moment, he felt unwelcome, unwanted, a strange force repelling his skin from the cool metal clasped within. Shaking it off, he threw open the door, ushering Bella inside.

"Wow..." Bella whispered, "Your wall is a music junkie's wet dream!"

Edward chuckled as Bella immediately moved to examine the numerous shelves of CDs filed neatly by artist, her fingertips grazing the plastic cases lovingly. Her mouth silently formed the names of titles she lingered over, her expression child-like in its wonder. Moving across the room, Edward hoisted open the large window near where his bed once stood.

"You have as much music as I do... Perhaps more," Bella commented, "You have Taj Mahal? I was starting to think I was the only person under thirty who knew his work!"

"I'm partial to prog rock, blues and classical," Edward replied softly, "Pick anything you want."

"I wouldn't know where to begin," Bella mumbled, "Play a mix for me?"

Edward walked up behind her, pulling her back against his chest as he kissed her neck, "Your wish is my command, love."

It was as if he'd never left; although he'd moved nine weeks prior, his avoidance of his family had resulted in most of his belongings remaining in this room. A dirty shirt lay near the closet, and several books lay askew near the futon that had once been an accompaniment to his bed. Thumbing through the CDs stacked upon the stereo, Edward selected a favourite mix, labelled in Sharpie with 'Night.' Inserting it in the player, Edward spun Bella around to face him, kissing her gently.

"I want to show you something special. I haven't shown it to anyone in years."

Bella giggled, "I've seen your penis."

Edward laughed loud, playfully punching her arm, "Hey! I'm serious, Bitchella. I'm taking you to my favourite place in the world. Come on!"

Edward led her to the open window, stepping out onto the roof beyond before offering a hand to her. Tentatively, she accepted, her brow wrinkled in confusion. He smiled reassuringly, gesturing to the landscape beyond her line of sight; her face relaxed as she began to understand why he walked with no fear.

"It's flat..."

"Esme designed it for me," Edward explained, leading her further out along the smooth shingles, "She knew I loved to look at the stars. This overhangs the kitchen entirely, which made for hilarity when the parents had special dinner guests in my teens."

The sky overhead had cleared, all traces of rain now forgotten as the stars shimmered against the deep blue-black of the night. A light breeze danced through the expanse of forest framing the Cullen home, tugging tendrils of Bella's hair loose, ruffling them gently before allowing the waves to fall. The moon hung full and pregnant, a luminescent orb hiding beyond the fringe of trees, and insects chirped almost in time with the soft rock beat emanating from the open window behind them.

"It's beautiful," Bella whispered, "A perch above the messy world."

"I wanted to show you this tonight, because I want you to understand how important you are to me. Aside from family, only one other person has ever been here with me before you. This is my place, my sanctuary. And now, it is also yours."

She was upon him then, pulling him tight against her as her lips found his, hungrily kissing him. Edward's arms wrapped around her, his fingers toying with the sheer fabric of her blouse as their tongues tangled together, Bella's soft whimpers sparking a fire in his groin. He pressed against her, growling low as she ground her hips against his burgeoning hard on, her teeth seizing his lower lip and tugging lightly before trailing kisses along his neck. His hot flesh felt moist, and his eyes opened to find Bella's eyes tearing up. Gently, he took her face in his hands, forcing her to meet his gaze.

"Are you okay?"

Bella nodded, smiling, "Happy tears. Overwhelmed...."

Edward sighed in relief, smoothing her mahogany waves, "Shall we sit?"

"One thing, first: do you have blank paper and a pencil, perhaps?"

Edward thought a moment, "Alice will. What do you need it for?"

Bella's eyes averted, biting her lower lip, "The moon... Your tattoo?"

The intensity with which Edward kissed Bella nearly knocked her off her feet. He grabbed her hips to steady her, a light giggle escaping her throat as he softened the kiss, his lips grazing hers as his tongue darted out to run the length of them. _She is incredible_, Edward mused, _She is everything_. Holding her hand, he gestured for her to sit, and she settled cross-legged upon the roof.

"One moment," he whispered.

Alice had apparently been sketching clothing designs recently; her supplies were readily at hand as Edward slipped into her bedroom, snagging a sketch pad, pencils and an eraser. Crossing through his room, he nodded approvingly as the song changed to a personal favourite, humming along as he re-emerged upon the roof. Bella had pulled her long hair into a messy knot at the nape of her neck, her eyes fixed upon the sky.

"Your tools, my lady."

"Sit!" Bella ordered, smiling as she accepted the paper and writing implements, "This is perfect, Edward."

He settled behind her, legs flanking her sides, and she settled against him, knees drawn up to create a workspace. Sighing happily, her pencil began to fly, rough images springing to life of the image he'd described to her as they lay in bed that first morning. Edward lost himself in the welcome darkness of the moonlit night, eyes closed as the wind ran over his pale cheeks, the cool feel a welcome change from the fevered nightmares of the last year. From behind him, a soft male voice beckoned, echoing the feel of this welcome isolation and solitude, the drums in time with his healing heart.

_"Don't you know we're freaks and creatures?_

_Wake up; I can almost see the light_

_I think we're alone here, you and I_

_I think we're alone here, and wondering why_

_I think we're alone in the universe tonight..."_

* * *

**_DELIRATIO is nominated for Best Crossover at the Sparkle Awards:  
thesparkleawards[dot]webs[dot]com/nominees[dot]htm_**

**_AND FOR YOU LOVELIES READING TATTOOS, this story has been nominated for Best All Human story at the Moonlight Awards! Nominations close tomorrow and then voting will begin! Go see (and thank you):  
themoonlightawards[dot]yolasite[dot]com/nominate[dot]php_**


	9. Chapter 9

_AN: _

_A second chapter within a few days? Lucky you!_

_This one's a bit shorter, as it's meant as a transition chapter. The next two-three will be rather long, and fairly intense._

_Thanks as always to sarawithouttheh, Megsly and every wonderful reader I have._

_This chapter contains disturbing/potentially triggering subject matter for issues surrounding self-injury and suicide (non-graphic). Be safe._

_I own a strange life; Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight._

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

"Hold still, twitchy," Bella muttered.

"He's always like this at the end of a project," Ronan sighed, "Be kind, asshole; you're her first."

"I hate sitting still," Edward grumbled.

Edward struggled with his urge to tap his foot upon the floor, his legs stiff from straddling a chair backwards for two hours. With Ronan, he often took breaks each hour, rising to stretch his limbs and shake out the frenetic energy that coursed through him, but this time, he'd elected to sit straight through. As he'd discussed with Ronan privately, Bella would be second-guessing herself enough without having fifteen minutes to pace and plead for reassurance; by forcing her to work through, he hoped she'd just trust the instincts both he and Ronan knew she possessed and create.

The design Bella had sketched upon his roof had exceeded all of his hopes for the tattoo, the subtle nuances and shading adding an incredible pulsating life to the two-dimensional image. The sun seemed to not only emerge from beneath the eclipsing stranglehold of the moon, but rather burst free of its grip, the bright orb seeming to ripple with its intense heat. Bella had drawn inspiration from the antique grandfather clock in the foyer of the Cullen home for the face of the moon, and had beseeched Ronan to help her mix the precise shade of blue from the tattoo upon his chest to accent the work as both sky and highlight.

_"Your mom gave you the moon and stars; now, she'll live with them, forever." _

After some debate, the three of them had arranged to shut down Breaking Dawn an hour early on a Friday evening, allowing Bella to work without any disruption whatsoever. Ronan was on hand as an adviser and, in case Bella lost her nerve, the completing artist. Edward was thrilled that Bella had only hesitated over the initial outline, a five minute delay where Ronan had promised her that he would never have agreed to this attempt if he didn't have faith in her skills. With a deep breath and a nervous smile, Bella had returned to Edward's side, her lips grazing his ear as she spoke.

_"I promise I won't screw this up. Just try not to bleed too much._"

Blood: Bella was skittish of it, and yet, she'd drawn her own blood for several months prior to her suicide attempt. As they'd curled up on his bed, listening to a playlist of songs created from their 'covers war' on Blip,fm, Bella had explained how she'd come to harm herself, and how she could manage to push through her aversion to blood to inflict wounds.

_"The first time, I was chatting online with a friend in __Australia__. I was so upset, dizzy with panic, and I was afraid I'd need to go to the hospital. I was terrified they'd lock me away for good, that doctors would hypnotize me and make me say things against my will. It sounds absolutely fucking crazy, I know, but my mind was racing and erratic..."_

_"You were in a state of high anxiety, Bella; of course you were irrational."_

_"Yeah... Suddenly, things ground to a halt: my breathing had slowed down, my was vision clearing, but it seemed strange. I didn't figure out why I'd come down so quickly until I saw the bloody scissors in my hand. I'd jabbed them deep into my thigh without any conscious thought or choice. To this day, I still do not know why I did such a thing. I've never known anyone else who has hurt herself. I felt sick with shame, and then sick with nausea from the blood. I told no one."_

_"How often-?"_

_"Not very; at least, not the cutting. I haven't done that since the hospital stay after the truck incident. I think I've been afraid I'll press hard or something, and I wanted to at least try and stick around for Charlie's sake. The arm clawing and punching are still there; they started after I began reading online about self-injury. It's too easy to learn new tricks on the internet."_

_"How does it help you feel better? I mean, you're disturbed by the smell of blood, and you're inflicting pain as well."_

_"When it happens, I'm wound up, like the other night in my room. I can't seem to think, and usually, I feel awful about something I've said or done. That was something your dad pointed out, actually; he said that I seemed to carry a lot of guilt for my age, for things that might not truly be my fault. It hurts sometimes, but it's like a piercing, in a way. It's a pain that brings a sense of accomplishing something, even if it's only not dying today. There's a reminder of what you've done left behind. The pain isn't like spraining an ankle; in its own twisted way, it nourishes. I don't know how else to express it."_

As Bella's hand guided the last touches of shading upon his shoulder, she began to hum along with the radio. Edward stifled a laugh as recognition sank in: it was Rihanna, the only song he actually knew and enjoyed. Ronan was going to shoot her... _Unless..._ With a wicked grin, Edward hummed the melody, watching as Ronan obliviously tidied up near the autoclave. He couldn't resist himself, even though he anticipated Ronan decking him outside the shop as they left. Bella's amusement was too much motivation, and being as Ronan and Emily had reconciled, Edward didn't see the harm. As Ronan made his way back towards the chair, Edward called out to him, hoping he wouldn't recognize the song first. Shaking his head, Ronan approached briskly.

"You're such an impatient ass, Cullen! What?"

With a sly look, Edward replied, "It's one of your favourite songs! _'Throw on your brake lights! We're in the city of wonder. Ain't gonna play nice! Watch out; you might just go under!'_"

Ronan's eyes widened as he understood, growling at the radio, "Fuck you, Cullen!"

"'_Better think twice! Your train of thought will be altered!'_" Bella continued, deftly applying a large gauze pad and tape to Edward's new ink.

"Hate you both, so damn much!" Ronan groaned, covering his ears.

As Bella tugged Edward out of the chair, they continued to sing in unison, both stifling their amusement: "'_So if you must falter, be wise! Your mind is in Disturbia. It's like the darkness is the light..._'"

Pulling Bella's back against his bare chest, Edward felt her hips grind slowly against his groin, his member instantly reacting within his jeans. As Ronan continued to hunt for the controls to shut off the overhead speakers, Bella sang softly, her hands running lightly up Edward's sides, her head bent forward and swaying side to side. His hands trembling, Edward copped a subtle feel of her firm breasts, the wind knocked out of him as Bella ground harder against him. His head bowed low, nipping her ear lobe hard, eliciting a gasp.

"Behave; Ronan's out to get me already," he growled.

"What?" Bella asked coyly, tilting her head back to kiss him gently.

"You better not claim to be hopeless at dancing again, Ms. Swan."

"But I am!" she insisted, pouting and batting her eyes, "I will trip over people!"

"I won't let you," Edward promised, twirling her to face him, "I'll keep you _very_ close to me at all times..."

The music cut suddenly and they looked up to find Ronan crowing triumphantly by the main reception desk. Bella sighed, sticking out her tongue as Ronan flipped the two of them off, then gestured to Bella's work station.

"If you're all done, could we clean up and shut down? Emily's making dinner tonight, and I would hate to miss it. Go perv on each other elsewhere, alright?"

"Sorry, Ronan," Edward apologized, "She's a horrible influence."

"Like you need a ton of persuasion!" Ronan laughed, moving to help Bella with her clean-up, "By the way, the ink looks incredible, Bella. You're a natural."

Bella flushed bright red, her hair tumbling across her face, "Ronan, don't be nice just to be nice."

"I mean it, Bella; you've paid close attention. I'm impressed. We should celebrate, actually. A night out next week, maybe? Angela, Ben, Mike, Emily, whoever!"

"I like this idea," Edward murmured, "Let's go out dancing."

"No!" Bella exclaimed. "I can't dance, people! Ronan, tell him! You saw what happened at Angela's birthday."

Tidying away the last of the equipment, Ronan grinned, "You know, I think dancing is a fantastic idea! We can drag Bella up to dance to Rihanna all night, since she loves her so much these days. I'll call you later in the week, Edward."

Bella continued to stammer protests as Edward winked at Ronan, leading Bella out into the cool evening air of Port Angeles. A block away lay Edward's Volvo, their respective belongings packed for their weekend in Forks. After a whirlwind week spent primarily in Port Angeles, with Bella 'staying at Ronan's place' most nights, Bella had decided that she needed to spend the weekend home. Edward had agreed, plotting a hiking trip with his family for Saturday afternoon to occupy his time while Bella and her father went fishing. It wasn't something Bella particularly enjoyed, but her father loved it, and she considered it a gift of time.

"I hate you," Bella grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest.

"No, you don't," Edward deadpanned, deactivating his car alarm and pressing the remote unlock.

"Right now? I do. You totally tag teamed against me with the Mick. Torture born of testosterone was just slated for next weekend. You owe me."

Edward held open her car door, chuckling softly, "What if I vow that there is no way you will fall down at the club? I'll swear to it. Ask Alice, even!"

Bella pondered this a moment, "Alice, huh? Can I make another request to go with said promise?" At Edward's nod, she continued, "I want to hear you play something on the piano for me."

"I really wish you'd let me decide on when to share that with you," Edward sighed, "I'm out of practice, Bella."

"And I'm not any good at all with a guitar, but I played for you!" Pressing up onto her toes, Bella kissed his cheek, batting her eyes, "You could play Happy Birthday, even. Please?"

"Maybe," Edward replied, wincing as Bella pouted, "Okay, probably. Can we get in the car?"

"Fine! I'm picking the music!"

Edward moved around the car to the driver's side, pulling open the door and settling behind the wheel, "Up tempo, at least? We've got a long trip."

Bella grinned, waving a CD, "No Doubt?"

"Excellent choice_. __Tragic__Kingdom_, I presume?"

Bella gasped, "No, my dear: _Return Of Saturn_."

"Why go for the inferior album?" Edward asked, pulling out onto the main street with a squeal of the tires.

"Inferior, my ass!" Bella retorted, edging the volume up as Gwen began to sing, "Don't get me wrong; _Tragic__Kingdom_ is classic, without question. But _Return Of Saturn_ is such a subtle gem, one that grows on you with its powerful break-up and relationship themes and electronic nuances. I prefer it to _Tragic__Kingdom_, although for artistic merit, it'd be fair to put them at a tie."

"This track is catchy, no question," Edward began, gesturing to the stereo, "But there's nothing that compares, in my mind, to The Climb on _Tragic Kingdom_. The artistry of that song alone trounces this album."

Bella remained silent a minute, the scenery rushing by as Edward merged onto the highway. The lush greenery flanking the slate grey cement was strangely soothing to Edward, and he found himself slowing down for a change, reluctant for their journey to be over too quickly. The fresh ink on his shoulder stung as he accidentally pressed back against the seat and he hissed low, adjusting his position.

Bella finally spoke, her voice low and sultry, "You're hot when you argue music."

Edward laughed out loud, his hand reaching to interlace with Bella's, "I'm not just a pretty face."

"Yes, you are; you're dead wrong."

Bella stuck out her tongue, waggling her piercing as Edward cranked the music louder, effectively drowning her out. Her hand crept to his thigh, massaging its way towards his groin. It was hopeless, he realized; he couldn't even fake being annoyed with her. Her fingertips grazed the heat within the denim and he was under her sway, a snake stripped of venom, a victim of her charms. As she drummed the door with her fingers in time to the stereo, Edward gave in, his hand covering hers as it continued to caress and squeeze his leg. The feel of her soft, pale skin centred him, smoothing over any concerns over this, his second visit home in as many weeks. With Bella at his side, what could possibly go wrong?

"This is perfect," Bella murmured, leaning against his shoulder.

_Yes it is_, Edward agreed silently. _A perfect imperfection_.

* * *

"I don't know how you find this shit, Alice!"

Alice paged down on her Macbook, giggling, "Encyclopedia Dramatica and 4chan, of course! Now wait, wait; it gets worse. Stupid Wi-Fi is loading slowly."

Edward took a hit from the joint in his hand, passing it over to his sister. It wasn't often that he partook in marijuana these days; it was more of a routine in high school, when he, Emmett and Alice would crawl out onto the roof and blare music from Emm's boom box, laughing over the gossip of the week and the latest film they'd seen. When Alice had strolled into his room, waving the rolled blue paper and a lighter, Edward had almost thought it a joke. But here they were, laughing over, of all things, fanfiction. _Harry Potter_ fanfiction, to be precise. Tonight, Edward had learned his sister was not only a demonic pixie, but a complete nerd as well.

"I'm pretty sure this is the chapter where the writer can't even keep the main character's name straight anymore," Alice said, slapping the computer on her lap, "If I have to read it aloud myself, I will!"

"Fanfiction, Alice?" Edward chuckled as she took a hit, holding and exhaling an 'O' of smoke into the air.

"Whatever makes me laugh! I spent an hour looking at Kanye West 'Imma Let You Finish' jokes the other night with Jazz. You can't deny that this is the textbook example of why the youth of today, as a whole, needs to be exterminated or sterilized."

"Text-speak makes my brain cells degrade from lack of stimulation," Edward groaned, "I'm so glad Bella's intelligent."

Alice smiled, passing back to Edward, "And how is my new best friend?"

"She's good; we've had a lot of long talks this week, really getting to know each other. The more she tells me, the more I want her around. She's come so far, Alice, on so little. I'm thinking near Christmas that I'll fly her to Phoenix."

Alice narrowed her eyes in confusion, "Phoenix? What's there?"

"Her mom's final resting place. She hasn't been back since the funeral a few years ago. She says it doesn't matter, but I know it would mean a lot to her. She could show me her childhood haunts as well, maybe take a few photos with that camera Ronan gave her," Edward mused, "I was thinking you could help her put together-"

"Oh, a scrapbook!" Alice exclaimed, completing his train of thought, "I'd love to, Edward. That's a beautiful idea."

Edward tilted his gaze towards the stars, their light marred by murky grey clouds overhead, "Fuck, I hope it doesn't rain hard tomorrow."

"Wuss!" Alice teased, "Afraid to mess your pretty hair?"

"No, I just don't want to get sick. I promised Bella I'd go with her to her first appointment with the new doctor, and the office is within a hospital. If I'm sick, I can't go inside with good conscience."

"And when's your appointment?" Alice asked quietly.

"Mine's Monday and hers is Wednesday. Carlisle assures me that he interviewed my new doctor over the phone, and he thinks we'll relate far better than Jones and I ever did."

"As long as you're not a miserable grouch, Oscar!"

"Watch it, Tinker-Hell, or the only clapping I'll do for your pixie butt is smashing you like a bug between my palms," Edward retorted playfully, ruffling Alice's hair.

"Greasy hands off!" she squealed, laughing and leaning away.

"Edward?"

The two of them turned to the open bedroom window, out of which Emmett emerged, waving Edward's cell phone. He pulled his large, lumbering figure through the opening, his six feet and four inches of height towering over them. With the shimmering hazy glow about the lights courtesy of the drugs, Emmett appeared ghostly, backlit by the lamp upon Edward's desk within.

"What's up, Emm?"

Emmett passed him his phone, "It's rang ten times in fifteen minutes. Normally I wouldn't fuss over it, but I checked the display and it's Bella. Thought I better let you know."

Edward frowned, his hand trembling slightly as he accepted the phone, "Yes... Thanks, Emm."

As his fingers tapped the keys to unlock his cell, Alice withdrew her iPhone from her purse, frowning at something on her display. Her thumb scrolled down, her frown deepening as Edward dialled Bella's number, his mouth suddenly dry. _Ten times. What happened? Is she okay? Is Charlie still not home?_ Alice waved Emmett closer to her as Edward heard one ring, then another.

"... on Twitter...." Alice mumbled to his brother, "... bad news..."

On the fourth ring, Bella answered, nearly incoherent through her sobs, "EDWARD?"

"Bella, what is it? I'm coming over," Edward declared, rising to his feet.

The two sentences of Bella's reply were enough to send him to his knees, the wind knocked clear from his lungs. He could feel his siblings move quickly to support his weakened frame, the phone clenched in his fist as they led him to his bedroom in a panic. Seconds felt like hours as a wave of nausea struck him, images and words dancing in macabre fashion through his skull. Bella's incoherent gasps were echoing in his ear, muffling all other sound aside from the thumping in his chest. He felt arms drag him to his futon, settling him upon the seat. He felt his knees flex stiffly, his vision spinning until language returned to him, restored by the plaintive mewling of his distraught girlfriend.

"Come here?" Her voice was strained, breaking and fragmenting like his world.

"I will," he managed, closing the phone slowly.

He blinked hard, the whirling colours and sounds teasing apart slowly as tiny hands shook his shoulders, a smooth bass voice murmuring near his head, a quiet radiator hum. He pressed his fingers to his temples, jabbing at the flesh violently, the pain jarring him free of the cyclone in his head.

"Edward! What's wrong? Why's Bella so upset?" Alice pleaded.

"I have to go to her," he whispered, struggling to rise to his feet.

"Why? Is she okay? Emm, call Dad!"

"It's not her..."

He stepped forward, his limbs wobbling beneath him, the ground unsteady. Alice's tiny form became more defined in his line of sight, his lower lip curling between his teeth. He bit down unconsciously, stunned by the pain as he drew blood. _So this is what Bella means by the pain.._. Pocketing his cell phone carefully, his eyes lazily scanned the room, settling on Alice's fearful face.

"Edward! Please?"

Swallowing hard, Edward repeated Bella's desperate words.

"Jessica Stanley is gone. She killed herself with a .45 shot to the head."

* * *

_Review away; I'm very curious to hear your reactions._

**_For those reading it, DELIRATIO is nominated for Best Crossover at the Sparkle Awards:  
thesparkleawards[dot]webs[dot]com/nominees[dot]htm_**


	10. Chapter 10

_AN: _

_To say that this chapter was difficult to write is an understatement. Judging from the reactions of my betas, I'd say I accomplished what I set out to do in this, the first part of Jessica's funeral._

_Chapter 11 will steer us more into Bella's perspective on the funeral; Edward wanted to go first._

_This chapter carries a tissue warning, and a warning of suicide imagery. You may need a hug at the end. I know Bella and Edward could use one._

_Thanks as always to my beloved girls, Megsly and sarawithoutthehe, for cleaning up my mistakes and propelling me along in life and in fic. _

_This chapter, and chapter 11, are dedicated to my grandfather's memory._

_I own nothing but my own original plot ideas and too many memories of funerals._

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

Blanketed.

He'd finally found a word to express the way the world seemed today, letters forming into coherency as he absently gazed out through the tinted glass of his father's Protégé while row upon row of tress blurred into a crisp emerald and orange abstraction. The way voices and sounds seemed muffled and subdued, their emotion distended and dispersed, reminded him of his childhood days at his Nana's home, long evenings spent beneath a tent born of quilts and elegant oak dining room chairs. He and Alice would read ghost stories to each other by flashlight while Emmett hogged the fresh oatmeal chocolate chip cookies in protest of the bond they shared. From beyond the woven tapestry of their hideaway, Nana would call to them, her voice distant in spite of her proximity and they, in turn, would pretend not to hear her admonishments about the late hour. Yes, blanketed was the word that befit a morning where not even Bella's sobs seemed loud or passionate, but rather like echoes across a canyon. Even the colours that whirled past his fingertips through the glass seemed softer, more shades than unique hues, mere hints of a colour where stark contrast should be.

It was raining; this was so common in Forks that it was far more newsworthy to open one's blinds to the garish yellow of sun that occasionally saw fit to grace the town with its warmth. Today, the rain was welcome; nature was weeping at a cruel reality of a society where darkness consumed humans like mice in the toying claws of a cat.

No twenty-two year-old girl should die of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

His mind drifted back two days' prior, to the night when Bella had phoned, scarcely choking out the news that had gutted her earlier joy, replacing it with empathy, guilt and, she confessed at three in the morning, a hint of jealousy. Jessica's demise was why her father had not been home to greet her; he'd been overseeing a grisly scene that obviously mirrored his own experiences several months' prior, with one exception: he'd been able to save his daughter from herself. Drained, he'd returned home to Bella and pulled her tight against his chest, weeping silently until she'd wrestled the truth from his pursed lips.

It had taken Charlie an hour to help her dial the first of ten calls to Edward's cell, she'd admitted, her eyes swollen half-shut from crying. He'd had to tell her the contents of the suicide letter to end her insistent screams that she'd made her do it, that she'd killed her with cruelty. Bella, he knew, still felt to blame, and he also blamed his bitter tongue; his father had told him outright that his outburst and Bella's echo had left the entire group in turmoil. It was the first thing she'd said as he and Alice had pulled up to the Swan home that night, Alice insisting he wasn't fit to drive (and being right, as always): _it's my fault_. He'd shaken his head, their arms tangling about each other messily, yin and yang in their expressions - hers hysterical, his hollow silence. In a moment of extreme graciousness, likely out of fear for Bella, he'd permitted Edward to spend the night, albeit on the couch. Bella had eventually fallen asleep there, her head upon his lap as his fingers gently combed the wild waves until the light of dawn pierced the sheer curtains overlooking the driveway. He'd made her eat, refusing to do the same until Alice arrived, carting his favourite pastries from the bakery near their house, her stern expression leaving no room for argument.

He had spent the rest of the day with Bella and Alice, Charlie insistent that he couldn't leave her alone. Alice had pulled him aside, presumably to relate her own brush with death in her arms, and Charlie's expression had softened, his hand squeezing Edward's shoulder as he'd departed for the station. Ronan had joined them later in the afternoon, driving them out to a more secluded area beach just beyond the border of the reservation. He'd noted a strange expression crossing Bella's face as they'd arrived, but a firm nod from Ronan had soothed her. He vaguely recalled that her ex was a Quileute native; perhaps she'd feared running into him? By the time he and Alice had left Bella's house. Ronan promising to spend the night, her brown eyes had dried, although she incessantly tugged and pinched her arm. After a gentle caution to be safe, his thumb massaging the red marks away, Alice had brought him home, the two of them falling asleep in front of the TV while some terrible horror movie about clowns with the little girl from _Fresh Prince of Bel-Air_ played on low volume. It was on the couch that his father had found him this morning, his clothing rumpled and skin beaded with nervous sweat.

"It's in two hours," Carlisle had said quietly.

"Mmm, okay," he'd replied, slowly sitting up. Alice was long gone, he'd noted.

"You don't have to go."

"Yes, I do," Edward had insisted, standing up and tugging his messy hair.

"Edward, no one would blame you for not wanting to go through another of these," Carlisle had replied with concern.

"Bella needs me-"

"Her father will be there-"

"Bella _needs me_, and I need to pay respects to Jessica," Edward had snapped, pushing past his father towards the stairs.

The ride had been silent to the solitary Catholic church just outside of Forks proper, with Carlisle behind the wheel and Edward in the back seat, his body rigid in anticipation of what would come. Alice and Jasper were riding together, and Emmett was accompanying Rosalie and the Hales to the funeral. It always struck Edward how a death or a wedding could unite a small town into singular purpose. There was no way that these people cared for Jessica as her family and friends did; why did they wish to endure the sombre event? What compelled people to flock to the anguish of others? Was it a sociocultural phenomenon he could study? Perhaps he could write a dissertation on the rubbernecking nature of humanity, and what perverse satisfaction or comfort was derived therein. He no longer stopped with curious eyes when passing a car wreck; Edward now looked for a familiar body in the mangled metal frame. He knew, all too well, how it felt to lose someone. There was nothing for him to gain from voyeurism.

The car ground to a smooth halt and Edward looked up, his stomach rolling as he realized they'd reached their destination. _I can't believe I'm at another one of these_. His eyes, weary and dry, scanned the lot and located Chief Swan's cruiser and his heart rate edged lower. At least this time, he wasn't burying someone he cared about deeply. _But you did play a part in her demise, too_, his mind hissed bitterly. Shaking his head as if to clear it, Edward stepped out into the crowded lot, the crisp lines of his charcoal suit lending a sickly pallor to his complexion. His father called out to him and he froze, but remained speechless. What could he possibly say? What could anyone say to him now? A strong hand clasped his shoulder, the opposing hand suddenly gripped by a tiny hand, and he realized that his father and sister were flanking him. He knew that if he could feel anything beneath the murky water washing over him, he would be grateful for his family's understanding and concern. The last time he'd set foot in a church, he'd taken it poorly, to say the very least.

He was led to the entry, oblivious to the mechanical motion of his limbs as they took the four small stairs up to the main double doors, the stained glass scratched and discoloured. There was weeping all around, both silent and symphonic, layered tones of anguish forming a wordless hymn to the lost. It would be beautiful if it weren't so real. His eyes blinked hard and suddenly, there was Bella, her hand clasped tightly by her father's as she sat near the end of the sixth pew. Her deep brown waves were drawn loosely into a ponytail at the nape of her neck, her simple black shift dress scarcely accenting her curves. As if she sensed his approach her head turned, her body physically heaving a large sigh of relief as their eyes met. Alice navigated him to her, whispering quiet reassurances as they proceeded down the left aisle to Bella's waiting embrace.

"Edward," she whispered hoarsely, "It hurts."

"I know," he replied softly, holding her tight against his frame, "Hang on, Bella."

Easier said than done, he knew; he was tethered by a thin thread himself. It was too much like the last time, too tragic and preventable. Jessica didn't need to die, and neither did Liz. And yet, Bella seemed willing to at least try and believe in the possibility, her father shuffling down the aisle to accommodate him on the pew. His father and sister settled directly behind him, Emmett and Rosalie soon joining them.

He was surrounded and yet utterly alone.

There were programs, something that always struck Edward as perverse. Death was not entertaining, contrary to the movie studios who persisted in churning out dreary sequels to every horror film that turned a reasonable profit. Death was not amusing, or even dramatic. For those left behind by the deceased, death was utterly boring, a fact that Joss Whedon had understood so clearly as he'd scripted the demise of Buffy Summers' mother in his most famous television creation. Death was tedious, taxing, and tantamount to torture by forced reading of Moby Dick. The pageantry of a funeral insulted the grief and guilt of those left to make sense of what would always be senseless, soothed by platitudes that had never comforted him. His hand clasping Bella's, the program shook in his lap as his mind wandered back to a time not so long ago, when another young woman had shattered and faded away...

_It had to be a mistake._

_Edward stared down at the ornate oak casket, the female within it motionless and waxy, lifeless blonde tendrils framing her heart-shaped visage. It was ironic, that heart, for this woman's no longer beat. It had ground to a halt in a cliché, a bathtub of warm water while a dizzying mix of narcotics and alcohol coupled with three boxes of sleep aid left her incapable of caring for the deep vertical gashes along her wrists. She wore a long-sleeved black dress, one he remembered seeing his girlfriend wear on a date to the symphony five months ago. Her eyes were shut, no baby blues to verify the name listed on the four page booklet he clasped tightly in his fist, but he knew the truth._

_This... shell was not Elizabeth Manchester, age nineteen, born and raised in __Des Moines__, __Iowa__. This body did not once contain a woman whose passions included watercolour painting, sushi and collecting antique teapots. This was not the woman who would endlessly read a dog-eared anthology of Robert Frost poems each day, savouring the feel of the words upon her pale pink tongue as she recited aloud._

_"Edward?" _

_Alice's soft voice beckoned him to his seat, a slight tremble the only sign of how the day was affecting her. Mute, he joined her as the priest approached the podium with a blank face. Edward wondered if this was a practiced skill, a poker face in the business of selling comfort through flowery words and praise. Surely, he knew this was all a lie. No God would be so cruel as to take and take from one individual. Settling into the pew, __Alice__ grasped his hand tightly, murmuring promises to stay by him. He'd murmured promises once, to several people; he'd broken them all, as surely as he had broken the will of Liz. In his head, he heard her lilting voice, a delicate whisper amongst the weeping willows in the yard of her apartment complex._

**_Some say the world will end in fire,  
Some say in ice.  
From what I've tasted of desire  
I hold with those who favor fire.  
But if it had to perish twice,  
I think I know enough of hate  
To say that for destruction ice  
Is also great  
And would suffice._**

_The sobbing... The pitch of it, the volume, the nuances of every different sob were all too familiar to him now. He wanted to press his palms over his ears and scream, drown out the misery he'd caused. For in keeping with her favourite poem, it had come down to a night of fire and ice: she the flame, licking his weary walking corpse, pleading for him to embrace the warmth, and he the ice, the merciless cold of a man long broken and beyond repair. She had loved him, without reservation; he had been unable to love through the pain of grief so raw from one mere year prior. The priest began to speak, words meant to console the rows upon rows of mourners. Edward felt only guilt. His stomach turned over as the sermon preached of everlasting life and grace, of turning oneself over to the love and support of God. These were not gifts for him. There was no solace for the damned._

_He was a murderer. Liz's blood would stain his hands always._

_'I can wait for you!'_

_'Don't.'_

_The scene replayed endlessly as he pressed his eyes shut. Fire and ice. How he wished she'd been able to melt him down, wear through the walls that were impervious to his persistent scratching at their thick concrete blocks. But no one could reach him now. And no one ever would._

_It was for the best of everyone..._

"Edward?"

Bella's whisper jarred him from his reverie, "Yes?"

"Where did you go?"

"Hell," he mumbled, as a young, sandy-haired priest made his way to the front of the church.

Edward struggled to keep his focus on Bella as the service began, his mind scarcely hearing the priest's opening words. His head was a tangled mess of memory and morose musings on life and its eventual conclusion, his heart a twisted and tattered organ strangled by a tourniquet of self-torment. His thumb ran over the back of her hand, tracing a pattern he eventually began to recognize as Liz's name in cursive. _Haunted. Ghosts inside this once man, now machine. If it weren't so fucking true, it'd make a great opening for an emo track on the radio._ The priest spoke softly, with an unusual level of grace and warmth, which Edward credited to his youth.

"... For even in sorrow, God's love will provide a refuge. In our confusion, our anger, our regrets, God loves us all equally, as he loved Jessica Elaine Stanley. He forgives us our sins and errors, even when we have lost our way and forsaken the gifts he has provided. For God understands us, better than we may understand ourselves. Let us seek His love now in our confusion, and allow him to help us trust in His wisdom as we are faced with that which we do not understand. Let us pray..."

Bella's body shuddered slightly, tears trailing slowly down her cheeks as her head bowed low. In joining her, Edward shut out the religious overtones, thinking instead to _Donnie Darko_, to the innate understanding that even when surrounded, every living creature truly dies alone. Jessica had died alone, in her heart as well as in body. This, he understood; he'd felt the same, once. The _why_ was what permeated his mind. What drove her to it? What was so terrible about life for her? There had to be more than feeling fat in size six jeans... and yet, size and space were all she'd spoken of. She felt that she took up far too much of it, more than her own share. 

_"Your pain is crowding the room, Edward; it's its own person now. I might as well be dating twins."_

Too much. Two words easily spoken, and yet, so open to interpretation. He was too much misery, too much of a burden, a curse. Liz was too much invested in loving someone who could never love her in return. What made Jessica 'too much?'

"... Her adoptive parents have spoken at length with me of Jessica's troubled childhood, of the abuses she suffered at the hands of those who should have loved her. They tell me of Jessica's nervous smile when they brought her home, of her disbelief that she would have her own bedroom, a haven she could call her own. They wonder, as I'm certain many of her friends and family wonder, what more they could have done. Many of you are rewinding your last conversations with Jessica, wondering if there was a sign you missed, an opportunity to reach her. This is natural, but I assure you: Jessica's death is not your fault. No one word or event is ever to blame for a suicide..."

Bella choked on a sob, her head pressing to Edward's shoulder, tears soaking his suit jacket. His arm wrapped around her frame, squeezing her as he thought back to his research on Bella's self-injury. The experts insisted that it was not about the act itself, but the pain precipitating it, that self-injury was a distraction from the true problem at hand. The pain in his skull was so acute that his vision blurred, epiphany making its presence known most cruelly.

_It was never about the weight. It was about controlling her pain_.

His head bowed, he continued to skim the program, his body shuddering as a sudden sense of kinship sunk in. _She just wanted to make the pain stop, if only for a while_. Friends and classmates wept and spoke in turn, offering their praise and love for the fallen friend who likely never knew how much she was valued. He felt Alice's hand upon his back, heard her whisper comforting words. He was not soothed; instead, he pictured Alice as the young woman approaching the podium now, a single sheet of paper rustling at her side, her eyes red and wild. Swallowing hard, she smoothed her skirt and licked her lips, her face gaunt and sallow.

"I... I felt that Jessica should be allowed to s-say something..." the young girl began, pausing to brush aside the droplets tumbling haphazardly along the delicate flesh of her face. "I chose a poem she wrote last year, in the hospital. It... It's called 'Viole(n)t.'" 

_I have to get out of here_, Edward screamed inwardly. _I need to think._

With a deep, shaky breath, the young girl began to read in her gentle soprano, the room falling into stunned silence:

_I'm forcing myself into this box,  
limbs folded, compressed  
Origami has nothing on me  
Wrap this package in sequins and glitter,  
in yellowed lace -  
your picture-perfect disgrace_

Wearing me on a wrist,  
a charm on a charity-case bracelet;  
the world has its way of plying its music,  
prying forth the voice for its  
machine-driven tunes  
Anti-trophy collectors  
always hollowed out their space

- and disappeared, leaving no trace  
save a raised little tell-tale line  
and that mercurial aftertaste

(I always had that blood-lust - pour me another drink)

I'm pasting myself into your picture frame,  
waist folded and compressed  
Self-slaughter will win your interest  
Wrap the wrists in gauze and tape  
pin the grenade back in place -  
picture-perfect in my elegant disgrace

Wear myself down,  
another apathetic figure on a formulaic assembly line;  
the world has its way of distortion,  
breeding destruction and declaring it beauty and grace  
Trophy collectors rejoice:  
another carcass, hollowing out, taking less space

- until she disappears, to the smile on that face,  
a whispered affirmation to a porcelain God  
as she chokes on societal aftertaste

(I'll show you how far a violet can shrink)

The young girl sobbed, her head pressing to the podium as the priest moved to comfort her, his head bowed near her ear, Gently pulling his hand free of Bella's, Edward whispered hoarsely, his hands dropping his program to the ground.

"I have to go. Have to go."

"Edward?" Bella asked quietly.

As he rose to his feet, he heard his father warn Alice to stay back. _Give him a minute_. Edward shook his head slightly, rushing down the aisle, towards the solid oak doors at the back of the church, towards the frigid and miserable rain of Forks. His head whirled with so many voices, so many memories, that it felt as if he were on a very bad drug trip, the kind that teachers use to warn children away from chemicals and their comforts.

_"Fire and ice, Edward; that's you. Hot and cold."_

_"It's a pain that brings a sense of accomplishing something, even if it's only not dying today..."_

_"_"_My brother getting therapy so I don't have to do CPR again on his near-corpse is my business!"_

_"I... I felt that Jessica should be allowed to s-say something..." _

Clamping his hands over his ears as if it would somehow drown out the cacophony of voices, Edward's heart drew to a shaky stop then began to pound, the understanding of what he needed to do coursing his icy veins. _A voice. Her voice. _It made sense.

At least, it made sense to him.

Gently tugging open the doors, he emerged from isolation, immersing himself in the grief that echoed inside his chest. Dead ahead, the priest was speaking softly.

"I do believe we are drawing to a close, unless anyone else would like to offer a tribute to the memory of Jessica-"

Without allowing himself to hesitate, Edward spoke up, a lump forming in his throat.

"I would."

* * *

_The sermon delivered is loosely drawn from this sample one_

_.net/~_

_The poem, Fire and Ice, is by Robert Frost_

_The poem Viole(n)t is original._

_A little fun for you, in the sorrow: review away and ask me anything - personal or story-related (within reason!). My answers will be delivered with chapter 11. Alternately, tweet me: casket4myfanfic_


	11. Chapter 11

_AN: _

_I know the updates are slower, but life is a lot crazier these days. I'll always try and make it worth the wait._

_This chapter, like chapter 10, is probably a huge tissue warning and contains emotional scenes involving a funeral for a suicide victim. *sends virtual hugs*_

_Major thanks, as always, to megsly07 and sarawithouttheh, who keep me sane between chapters. _

_A special thanks to MsBond01, whose own story Becoming Bella (which you should read! Now!) inspired the choice of song within this chapter._

_Huge love for all of my reviewers as well, especially those who asked questions last time. _

_**Stay tuned to the end notes for a special surprise.**_

_As always, I own nothing but my original plot ideas._

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

Bella's head twisted frantically in pursuit of Edward's escaping form, torn between her general anxiety over being the focus of anyone's attention and her yearning to follow him - to the ends of the earth, if need be - and know he would be okay. Even as Carlisle urged Alice to give her brother time, even as her father gently tugged her arm, she pinched her thigh, the familiar sting providing no satisfaction or distraction from her urge to leap up and run. Desperately, her eyes flashed to Alice, the one who seemed to know Edward best, for a sign.

"It's okay, Bella," Alice whispered quietly, "He's just seen too many of these. And the fact that Liz was the last one- other than Mom, I mean-"

"Liz?" Bella asked, wincing at her father's frown.

"She ended it herself, too... The tattoo?"

Bella searched her mind desperately, struggling to recall a tattoo for a Liz. It struck her then that Edward had told her of five tattoos prior to their meeting, but she only knew of three. How had she missed two of them? And why hadn't he pointed them out to her? What was he hiding? She'd never hidden anything from Edward, not since she'd confessed to the self-injury.

_Lies. He doesn't know about Jacob and Rachel._

_Eventually. Just... Not yet._

_Sure. Sure, you'll tell him. Tell him and send him running for the hills._

_Dear inner self: fuck off. No love, Bella._

The parade of mourners speaking of Jessica seemed to be drawing to a close, and Bella inhaled sharply, willing her tears to stop. Friend or not, no one deserved to feel awful enough to... to... An image of her mother flickered in her mind and Bella bit her lower lip hard, salty blood dotting her tongue as she searched for her father's hand. It was more callused than Edward's, but strong, steadying. She felt him press a kiss to the top of her head, a rare showing of physical affection that knocked the wind out of her lungs. _This could have been... It almost_... Shaking her head slightly, she forced herself to focus upon the priest as he returned to the front of the congregation, his own eyes moist.

"I do believe we are drawing to a close, unless anyone else would like to offer a tribute to the memory of Jessica-"

"I would."

Bella spun around to see Edward standing at the back of the church, his green eyes swollen with tears and bronze locks of hair tugged askew, as she knew him to do when nervous. His fingers twitched and flexed as he made his way forward, his family exchanging nervous glances. Bella heard Emmett quietly ask if he should stop him, only to be met with a soft smile from Alice.

"It'll be okay, Emm. Trust me."

Edward whispered to the priest as he took the first stair towards the podium, his lean body halting as a short conversation ensued. With a warm smile, the priest nodded, stepping aside, his arms open and inviting him forward.

_He looks so small_, Bella mused sadly. _Broken_.

His eyes averted, Edward edged towards the microphone, his fingers grazing the worn wood delicately. Whispers of confusion rolled over the crowd in a wave, the tension palpable. Eyes closed, he exhaled, rather than spoke, before the room.

"I have something to say..."

He paused, and in that brief silence, Bella felt Edward tumbling far out of her reach, down into some chasm locked deep in his heart, a place of pure sorrow. Her fists clenched, longing to reach out and catch him, yet understanding that sometimes, it took journeying to the darkest corners to find a glimmer of light. Her eyes locked upon his furrowed brow, joining him in her heart. _You're not alone, Edward. Please don't let go of me now._ With a ragged breath, Edward continued.

"I wasn't necessarily close to Jessica, but I've known her for years. Last summer, she and I ran into each other a lot at the conservatory in Seattle. I was taking piano lessons - upgrading - and... Jessica was taking vocal."

Bella frowned, confused. _Why did he never tell me this? I knew they went to high school together, and obviously, we shared therapists, but this? _It occurred to Bella that as she had wept over the previous days, her incoherent rants on the futility of therapy and how precariously thin the thread of sanity could be tumbling out uncensored, Edward had suffered almost silently. _I'm so selfish_, Bella chastised herself.

Edward's voice shuddered slightly, "I knew Jessica, but I can't say I understood her completely. I don't think any person can really understand another, not entirely; it's impossible to step into the precise position of a human and live their emotions and thoughts. But it struck me, reading the program and hearing that poem... Jessica needs to be heard. It's probably what she didn't know how to do: she didn't know how to explain herself enough that she felt able to... go on. I get that part, I do; I was there..."

Edward turned to the piano behind him to his left, nodding to the player who sat, statuesque in the white robes with red trim. Returning his gaze to the audience, his gaze locked on Alice, who had begun to cry silent tears as Jasper massaged her back. Bella turned around, offering her a tissue, to which Alice smiled weakly. Bella felt her father's arm wrap briefly around her shoulder, squeezing her to him. _We were there. We were spared. Why didn't anyone find Jessica? Why did she lose the fight?_ Clearing his throat, Edward rocked back and forth upon his feet, his fingers grazing the microphone at the podium as if to ground him in this reality, pulling him back from the precipice of his past.

"Jessica used to warm up in the room next to me each day. She only spoke to me once, perhaps the second week I was there. She was studying sheet music as she walked into the rehearsal space... I remember she looked so... Lost, I guess. She tossed the sheets aside and she said... " Edward chuckled softly, "Forgive me, Father, but she said, 'Fucking Amazing Grace! So cliché!.'"

Jessica's friends and family tittered at the quote, nodding knowingly. Apparently, Jessica's lack of enthusiasm for one of the more famous Christian staples was well known among her kin. Insight dawning, Bella flipped open the program and bit her lip to suppress a laugh at the final item: _Amazing Grace_. Edward's behaviour suddenly made sense; he knew that, were Jessica here, she'd be furious to see the song slated for a day in her memory. Bella looked to Edward and flashed a soft smile, to which he nodded, before closing his eyes, his words quiet and warm.

"She tossed the sheets aside and went into the room, and soon, her daily ritual began. She warmed up to the same song each day, blasting her CD before the instructor and other pupils arrived. She had a strong voice in song; I just... I wish her other voice was stronger. Jessica's no longer here to sing for us, but I'm going to do my best to be her understudy on life's stage."

Bella's eyes widened as Edward crossed to the piano, the player rising slowly and stepping aside as he slid behind the worn ivory keys. A murmur flowed through the crowd, with one friend whispering, 'Yes. Sing that song.' Behind her, Alice and Carlisle exchanged hushed words so quickly, Bella was unable to even discern them as English. Her vision tunnelled and she drew a deep breath, urging herself to be steady, to be strong for Edward. It was his turn to need her, her turn to be brave in sorrow. His fingers testing a few keys, he nodded, paused, then began to play and sing:

_"__Two a.m.__ and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake_

_'Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?_

_I don't love him; winter just wasn't my season.'_

_Yeah, we walk through the doors_

_So accusing their eyes_

_Like they have any right at all to criticize_

_Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason..."_

Bella felt tears flow anew as Edward's rich voice wrapped around each syllable, every nuance so emotive, so _alive_ that it began to feel as if Jessica were with them, singing along silently. Her hand reached for her father's once more, clinging desperately as she struggled to breathe between soft sobs. The girl who'd urged Edward to perform wept uncontrollably, smiling faintly through her tears, her eyes raised upwards. Another friend smoothed the girl's auburn curls away from her eyes, passing her tissues even as her own bloodshot eyes grew moist.

_"'Cause you can't jump the track; we're like cars on a cable_

_And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table_

_No one can find the rewind button, girl_

_So cradle your head in your hands_

_And breathe... Just breathe..."_

"He almost...." Alice whispered, her voice pained.

"What?" Rosalie murmured.

"I think... He _finally_ gets it..."

Bella's body shook as the lyrics flooded her head, her mind an echo chamber that threatened to drown out all other senses. _'No one can find the rewind button, girl...'_ The agonizing truth of the statement crushed her heart viciously in a vice of self-hatred. There would never be a way to undo her past sins, or remedy the pain she'd inflicted upon the people she swore she loved. She would never be able to erase the worry lines upon Charlie's face that had only recently appeared, would never be able to erase the sound of him shouting across the ether at her. She winced as she recalled his frantic pitch, her body roughly yanked from the cab of her truck.

_"Bella, what are you doing?! Oh my God, no! Don't you die on me, Bells!"_

Silently, she mouthed an apology to a ghost in her head as Edward continued to sing, tears trickling from the corners of his own eyes now as his gaze met with Jessica's parents. They clung to each other, the two of them almost a single entity, such was their need. Did he see Carlisle's face instead, as she sat here and pictured Charlie at her own almost-funeral? Did he wonder if Esme was watching that day he tried to end his life, as she wondered if Renee had been the reason Charlie had opted to come home without warning? Bella heard her father whisper reassuringly and she realized her sobs had grown louder, joining a chorus that strangely seemed melodic, as if even their grief was shaped by the delicate piano Edward's nimble fingers delivered.

_"__Two a.m.__ and I'm still awake, writing a song_

_If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me_

_Threatening the life it belongs to_

_And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd_

_'Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud_

_And I know that you'll use them however you want to..."_

Edward's singing grew louder, more pained, the verse striking at something hidden inside his own wounded soul. From the corner of her eye, Bella saw a flicker of movement and turned to see the sobbing girl rise to her feet, making her way to the front, her own faint soprano joining Edward's vocals in harmony. He looked to her, surprised, then nodded furiously, a silent exchange passing between them as she took a place to the side of the stage. Another young woman rose near the front, her hand reaching for the solidarity of another, the two women in their simple black dresses echoing Edward's plaintive voice in unison. Ironically, Bella pressed her palm to her chest, struggling to inhale under the weight of awakened memories and newly envisioned 'could have beens' while Alice's tiny hand rubbed her shoulder. In the moment that Edward finished, when the girls had clung to him, whispering their thanks as Edward merely nodded, speechless, Bella became aware of something so unfamiliar, so terrifying, it took all of her will to remain conscious.

_I love him. I'm... in love with him._

His stumbling gait carried him to their pew as the priest wrapped up the proceedings, _Amazing Grace_ abandoned in favour of a final short speech on the importance of supporting each other in difficult times. With an exhausted sigh, Edward slid into the seat beside her, his head tumbling onto her lap as he quietly sobbed.

"Shhh..." Bella murmured, stroking his messy hair, "Shh... It's okay..."

_I love you. I'll take care of you, somehow. I promise._

His hands fisted in his hair, tugging strands loose, and she threaded her fingers between his, massaging the knuckles until they released, clinging to her instead. His grip was iron-tight and painful, but she would never complain. His pain was hers, and she would share it. In her mind, she drifted back to their first night together, to the desperate need she'd felt for him, even then...

_ "Two people who can't be saved... But what if...?"_

_"What?"_

_"What if we just try anyway?"_

"Hang on," she whispered.

His muffled reply reverberated against her thigh: "C-Can't..."

"Try. For me."

There was music. A recessional had begun, and Bella's eyes wandered, taking in the scene. Small details suddenly seemed magnified: the scratches and gouges in the back of the pew in front of them seemed violent and pronounced, like the thick angry marks on her legs when first etched into her living slate. The stained glass imagery of Jesus and the Apostles seemed... brighter, somehow, almost ethereal; and yet, Bella noted, the tiny crack in the glass over Jesus' right palm seemed looming and ominous. Even the notes and chords of the music that surrounded them as mourners filed out seemed too lush, too loud.

Death commanded a silence, an absence.

Edward's sobs ebbed away, his convulsions slowing as Bella leaned down, kissing his head lightly. She could think of nothing else to comfort him. His thumb ran lightly over the back of her palm and warmth surged through her at the now familiar gesture. Even now, Edward cared for her, wanted to soothe her own misery.

"Bells?"

Bella glanced to her father's concerned visage and forced a weak smile, "I'm going to stay with him, if that's okay?"

Charlie nodded, "Of course." Rising and turning around to greet the Cullens, he nodded to each of them, "Please ensure Bella gets home safely?"

"Naturally, Chief Swan," Carlisle replied. "Bella is family to us now."

As her father departed, she heard a murmur from her left, soft and formless. Her hair swung with her as she locked eyes with Jessica's parents, Robert and Maria Stanley. Their eyes were nearly swollen shut from persistent crying, every vessel swollen from the exertion. Bella knew their heads must ache with even the slightest of sounds now; she'd cried that hard when her mother had passed. It was what had kept her from speaking at Renee's service: she couldn't even begin to read, let alone speak a eulogy.

"Edward," Bella whispered softly, "Jessica's parents..."

His head lifted slowly, hands swiping at the corners of his eyes as he lifted his face to hers. She forced her bravest smile, her hand grazing his cheek as his lower lip trembled.

"Bella," Edward whispered, "Don't go anywhere."

It was a command, more than a question, but unnecessary. Smoothing his hair back from his face, she nodded, her hand clasping his as he turned to face the Stanleys. His cheeks were feverish, his emotions burning through him with ferocious force. Jessica's mother did not speak, but merely pressed her hands to her heart, offering them forward to Edward in a silent gift. Robert Stanley, who seemed to be faring only slightly better than Maria, swallowed hard before speaking.

"We wanted to thank you... Your gesture was..." Robert paused, dotting away tears with his fingertips, "Jessica's favourite singer was Anna Nalick. If she were h-here..."

"She needed a voice..." Edward whispered.

Robert nodded with conviction, pulling his wife closer, "We tried, but the pain... If you ever need anything, our home... The door's open."

Edward nodded, scarcely managing to whisper his thanks. Bella looked to Alice, who'd begun to tear up anew, Jasper wrapping his arms about her from behind, swaying her gently side to side. Carlisle stepped into the aisle and embraced the couple, a private exchange of words occurring with the parents of the girl he'd had to pronounce dead, and Edward's focus turned back to Bella. His wild eyes and troubled expression terrified her.

It was how she looked when she'd decided to park her truck in the garage.

"Edward...?"

"I need to get away. Now."

"Take me with you."

Edward shook his head, "It's too much-"

"Then let me help you," Bella insisted, her grip upon his hand tightening, "You're not alone."

"I am," Edward whispered, "In the end, always... Let me go." His voice was pleading with her now, scarcely above a whisper.

"Together or not at all," Bella said softly, "Please."

His eyes darted in every direction, locking gazes with Alice. Immediately, his sister took a step closer and he cringed. _He doesn't want __Alice__ around him_. Alice reached out to him and he recoiled as if struck, shaking his head.

"I need to go somewhere..."

"I'll take you," Bella promised, "Edward?"

A beat.

"Fine. But now. Now. Gotta go now...."

Swallowing hard, Bella held out her hand to Alice, "I need your car. Please?"

Alice nodded as Jasper withdrew a jangling set from his pants pocket, "Red Grand Prix, far corner."

Edward tugged her almost violently to her feet and she stumbled, caught by his strong hands. He mumbled an apology before repeating his mantra of 'now, now, go now' as he led them out of the church at a jog. When Bella again stumbled in her heels, he paused, scooping her up into his arms and cradling her as he continued his journey to Alice's car. Bella's arms wrapped around his neck, the tense muscles there almost granite-like. She didn't know where Edward needed to go, or why, but this was a very desperate man. A man she loved dearly.

_I'll fix you, somehow... _

Setting her down by the driver's side, Edward hopped over the hood, yanking open the passenger side door so hard, Bella feared he'd tear it from the hinges. Slipping into the driver's side, she quickly adjusted the mirrors and seat before thrusting the keys into the ignition. Edward's fingers drummed his thigh rapidly, his eyes closed as he hummed an unfamiliar tune.

"Where are we going?"

"Start towards my home. It's that way."

"Okay," Bella replied, pulling out onto the main road, "Where are we going?"

"Full circle. It's time."

"Full circle to what?" Bella asked, confused.

His reply sent a chill down her spine:

"Death."

* * *

_Warning: after chapter 13, this story will be going on hiatus until I wrap up Through The Looking-Glass. It will be a good place to break, trust me._

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_The song within the chapter is Breathe (2am) by Anna Nalick. All lyrics copyrighted etc._

_Remember that offer to ask me questions? Wanna see me be a dork? Now, you can!_

_www[dot]vimeo[dot]com/8087680_

_The password is, naturally, ForkedUp_


	12. Chapter 12

_AN: _

_Please don't kill me._

_I know you all want to find out what Edward means about coming full circle to death. Most of you fear the worst. It's going to be emotional and sad, but nowhere near as bad as some expect. _

_But, you see, there's this little pixie of a woman, and she's been dancing around. She insists we tell her story, because she's been through a lot herself. I have to agree it's time we saw things through her eyes. _

_So we're going to have a flashback first._

_Get the tissues ready; I made my beloved beta, sarawithouttheh, sad faced and heartbroken. _

_This chapter contains strong suicide imagery. Please be safe when choosing to read. If you are suicidal, please contact your local crisis line. _

_Much love and thanks to Sara and my Megsly.  
_

_I own nothing but my original plot ideas, which are expressly my property. Be good._

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

_April, 2009 (4 months ago)  
_

It began in the grocery store.

She was prowling the cereal aisle, her diet shucked in favour of a craving for Lucky Charms. She'd been derailed from her mission by the availability of Count Chocula, astonished that it was still available for purchase. Chuckling to herself, she'd remembered her obsession with vampires at age twelve, and how mercilessly Edward and Emmett had teased her for the books she'd brought home. Everything had been fair game - from the children's story _Bunnicula_ to Anne Rice to (and this truth made her cringe, as she recalled her highlighted copies) L.J. Smith's _Vampire Diaries_ series. Her obsession had taken her so far, she'd begged Carlisle and Esme to allow her to dye her hair icy blonde, to be more like Elena.

_"But MOM! Tons of girls in our school are colouring their hair. There's at least four in my class! Edward, tell her!"_

_Edward chuckled, his head buried in his Chemistry textbook, "Just think, mom; her hair will match her IQ. That way, all the boys I threaten to keep her chaste will know exactly what they're getting into."_

_"Screw you!" __Alice__ hissed, slapping him in the side of the head._

_"Enough! __Alice__, it's a resounding and firm 'no' on this matter," Esme stated reproachfully. "You can choose what to do with your hair when you're sixteen. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a quiche to pop in the oven."_

_Alice stomped her feet, settling onto the loveseat across from her brother, her tongue thrust out petulantly. With an exaggerated rolling of his eyes, Edward closed his textbook, setting it down on the oak coffee table beneath his propped legs. _

_"Tinker-Hell, you can't always get what you want."_

_He'd intentionally emphasized his statement, his lips turning upward slightly. Alice struggled not to soften her expression, aware that this was one of her brother's patented peace offerings._

_"But if you try sometimes, you find... You get what you need," __Alice__ countered, "And I need to dye my hair!"_

_"I don't know why you want to be like that bimbo in the story. You're far more intelligent and less self-absorbed. Plus you're kinda psychic, too. Embrace your dark hair and be Bonnie."_

_Alice gasped, scrambling across the living room and plunking down beside Edward, who tousled her hair lovingly, "You read my books?"_

_"Nah, I'm not that much of a masochist," Edward quipped, "I looked up summaries online. __Alice__, you're wonderful just as you are. Don't ever change, okay?"_

_"You just told Mom that I'm dense," __Alice__ had grumbled softly._

_"And you told her last week that I jack off into my socks when I don't, you spiteful pixie!" Edward had laughed. "I use tissues like every self-respecting horny teen male."_

_"Overshare!" Alice squealed, pressing her palms over her ears, "Boys are so gross!" Pausing, she smiled, leaning against Edward's lean arm, "Point taken, though."_

_"Good. Because the next time you mortify me like that, I will steal your precious rainbow socks and jerk off inside them, and then stick them back in your drawer, capice?"_

_"Yuck! Bastard!" Alice screeched, making a gagging noise, "But seriously, Edward: why'd you look them up?"_

_Edward smiled softly, "Because it matters to you. And you, dear sister, matter to me. And you always will."_

These days, it seemed that nothing mattered to Edward, not even her. Tossing the Count Chocula into the cart, she grimaced as she recalled how pale his skin looked these days, how gaunt his cheeks had become. Her eyes ached with the dull pain of sleeplessness as she continued down the aisle towards the dairy section in search of soy milk, her fingertips drumming the handle of her cart in a slow, plodding beat. Nothing seemed to reach him inside his cocoon of misery, and Alice found its frigid fingers tangling around her own limbs, paralyzing her. Wasn't she his best friend? Hadn't they sworn to always share their secrets, no matter how painful, how shameful?

He hadn't left his room in two days. From within, the stereo shuffled through various songs, all downbeat and filled with sorrow or rage. She'd knocked several times, met on each occasion with a perfunctory plea for her to go away, to leave him alone, to disappear. But it wasn't Alice who was disappearing, although the loose waistband of her skinny jeans told the tale of her lost appetite and frayed nerves. The brother she loved was sinking fast, and no matter how many times she tossed a line, he refused to take hold and let her pull him back from the edge.

Her father had urged her to be patient, to allow the antidepressants to do their work. She'd told him, in her first display of foul language in front of a parent, to 'fuck off with the doctor speak and be a _dad_!' It was wrong, all wrong. Something loomed large on the horizon, something she could not yet articulate. Grabbing her milk and tossing it absently beside the carton of eggs, she steered into a checkout lane, her fingers toying with her purse. _Edward, why won't you talk to me_? Paying for her purchases with a forced nod to the little brother of Ben Cheney, her old classmate and Biology partner, she swung her bags absently alongside her as she headed for the Jeep parked just out front, sighing in frustration. _He might as well be a vampire himself, now, the way he hides from the light_, she thought sadly. _Esme would be so upset to see him this way_.

The turn of her keys in the driver's side door gave her pause, as she examined the keychain dangling against the handle. It was a little doll, its hair charcoal, its tiny body clad in a babydoll dress. He'd had one of the craftspeople in Port Angeles make it especially for her as a birthday gift two years ago, just before Tanya... _God, has it been that long since her? It all seems so fresh: Nana, Tanya, Liz, Mom... So much pain for one person. I wish he'd let me share it. I could help him. If only..._ Her thumb absently stroked the doll's hair, the rumbling clouds overhead signalling a pending storm. Startled, she gazed upwards at the swirling silvered clouds, and her heart skipped a beat.

_Something's wrong with Edward_.

She knew it, knew it as she knew herself. Edward joked that she was psychic, that she should start a hotline and get rich, but it was far more complex than the movies. Alice could never quite explain the hows or whys, beyond 'gut feelings.' They struck infrequently, perhaps once or twice a week, but they were never wrong. And that terrified her as she stood, her key still in the lock, eyes fixed to the gloomy sky as a single bead of rain fell into her eye, rolling along her cheek as if it were a teardrop. Her mind raced as she threw open the door, thrusting the groceries into the seat beside her and gunning the engine, until a single memory screamed through her manic mind.

_"I really don't get the obsession with Kurt Cobain," a fifteen year-old Edward declared over a plate of Kraft dinner, "His music's like the soundtrack to a suicide."_

Nirvana. Edward had been listening to Nirvana a lot yesterday.

"Fuck!" Alice screamed, cutting off a Cadillac as she spun onto the main drag, her hand reaching into her purse. "Don't you dare, Edward! Don't you dare!"

Her fingers worked quickly, dialling the house, then Edward's cell, then Emmett's. No answer at any of them. _No, no, no... I can't be too late!_ Pressing hard on the number 3, Alice exhaled loudly as her father's voice greeted her.

"Daddy?" she whispered.

"Alice? Alice, what's wrong?"

Swallowing back the lump in her throat, Alice took a sharp turn onto the road that ran past the Cullen home, "Edward. Have you seen him?"

"No," her father replied quietly, "Not since yesterday afternoon, here at work. Alice, tell me what's going on-"

"Work? He came to the hospital?"

"Yes. Alice-"

"Something's wrong, Dad. I feel it. _Feel_ it," she emphasized, cutting him off. "I'm on my way home."

Carlisle's breathing was loud in her ear as she pulled into the mile-long driveway, her foot slamming down upon the gas pedal, urging the Jeep forward, "I'll head home. If you find him, don't push. Watch from a distance. Okay, Alice?"

"Whatever," she murmured, the Jeep nearly striking a large water fountain adjacent to the front gardens.

"Alice Mary-"

"Hurry, Daddy."

Hanging up, Alice dialled her brother once more as she slammed through the front doors, screaming his name. Her voice echoed through the hallways and rooms, the only sound the ticking of the antique grandfather clock in the foyer. _I'm running out of time_, Alice thought nervously as she jogged upstairs, cursing as she again reached Edward's voicemail.

"Edward? Edward, answer me if you're home!"

Silence.

Her heart pounded in her ears as she turned the knob and entered her brother's room, breaking all unspoken agreements about privacy that had been long established in the Cullen family home. Her eyes pressed closed as the door swung open, Alice silently praying not to find her brother... gone.

"Edward?" she whispered.

Opening her eyes, she found a maelstrom of papers and clothing, but no familiar face. The stereo hummed, the CD stopped but the player still on, which only fuelled the sickness growing in her stomach. It was a pet peeve of Edward's when people left appliances on that way. For him to forget to turn it off... Her hands reached for the papers on his bed, wincing as she saw what lay beneath the messy scribbles of a man who'd lost his way.

Photos. Dozens of photos.

Photos of people who were no longer alive.

Her fingers trembling, Alice reached for a half-crumpled Polaroid of Edward and Tanya, their faces beaming with love as they stood in front of the gates of Six Flags. Alice remembered the trip well; it was 2004, and even then, it was obvious how in love they were. Alice had sketched dresses to wear for the wedding she expected to attend after the two of them finished college (Tanya was adamant she would never marry sooner), confections of lace and silk in varying cool shades of blue and purple. Edward had never seen them; Alice had buried them in the attic after Tanya... left.

The ringing of her cell phone jarred her as her attention turned to Edward's leather-bound journal, open on the floor by the large window. Shaking herself, she eyed the display and pressed Answer.

"Dad?"

"I'm six minutes away, Alice. Is he home?"

"No," Alice whispered, "Dad... He's been looking at pictures. Old pictures."

She heard her father sigh, "Shit. Alice, I'll be home soon. We'll find him."

Her voice quivered as tears began to fall, "Daddy? His... His stereo is on."

A pause. "Five minutes. Hang on, Alice. I love you."

"Love you, too."

Her knees buckled and she allowed herself to sink to the floor, her palm pawing at the journal, desperate to understand her brother, to know his intentions. A slight draft rustled the pages of the tome, cool air seeping in through an unseen weakness in the window frame. Her breath caught in her throat as she stared at the single sentence under today's date, the cursive messy and large.

_Mom will be with me, at least; it makes it less scary._

"Edward," Alice choked out hoarsely, "No..."

Every fibre of her being wanted to coil into a ball and wait for her father. He'd know what to do. He'd know what to say, or where to go. He'd understand what this meant. Her fingers clung to the page, ripping it loose and bringing the page close to her eyes, as if examining the fibres and ink intimately would betray Edward's secrets. _Mom... The graveyard? It's too public, isn't it? Where is Dad? Why isn't he HERE NOW? Mom..._ Her gaze wandered over the discarded photos and pages upon the floor: Edward and Liz; Edward and Alice, eating ice cream at age six with Nana; Edward and their mother, tending the wildflowers in -

"The meadow," Alice whispered. "Mom's favourite place."

Scrambling to her feet, Alice cursed as she tripped over a pair of rumpled jeans, stumbling and jamming her cell phone into her pocket as she ran down the spiralling staircase Esme had designed from scratch years ago. Her tiny fists pumping, Alice broke into a run as she slammed through the back porch door, taking the well-worn trail that led to a beautiful expanse of wildflowers, trees and a small clearing near a brook, a place that they'd visited countless times over the years. It was where she'd lost her virginity, and where Edward had lost his, in a strange coincidence that they had giggled over on Edward's rooftop perch. It was where their mother had asked to go on her last good day, before the cancer left her bedridden and delirious. And, Alice knew innately as her sneakers pounded the soft earth, it was now where Edward had gone to die.

The rain began to fall harder, the moist soil quickly sopping it up as she darted between trees and jumped exposed roots. Her lungs burned with the exertion but she did not allow herself to contemplate slowing down. Time was running out for her brother, for her near-twin, as he called her. She would reach him, or die trying herself. Her hands grazed painfully against the bark of a towering Sycamore as she slid in the mud, her ankle turning over painfully. With a muttered curse, she pressed on, knowing that it was near, that nothing was worth failing her brother now. Her ankle didn't matter. The haze flooding her mind as she struggled to draw breath didn't matter.

Nothing would matter again, if Edward was lost by her failure.

Pushing through a thick wall of branches, Alice's eyes blinked hard against the hot tears colliding with the cold rain that had begun to fall, hard and thick. Her flesh pimpled as the cover of the trees gave way to ashen sky. To her right, Alice could just make out what appeared to be crumpled clothing on the grass, fifty feet away.

"Edward!" Alice gasped, limping her way into a jog, ignoring the vibration in her right pocket. "Ed... Edward?"

Twenty feet away, she recognized the clothing as the very still form of her brother, and she screamed through the howling winds and rolling thunder.

The pocket vibrated again and she plunged her clammy hand into it, retrieving her phone as she limped towards him, "DADDY?"

"Alice? Where are you?" Her father was frantic, the sounds of slamming doors in the background.

"The m-meadow," Alice whimpered, ten feet away now. "He's not moving!"

Carlisle inhaled sharply, "I'm going to call an ambulance on the house phone. Alice, have you checked his pulse?"

"N-no," Alice replied, standing over her brother's waxen form. "It's b-bad..."

His right hand clung to a 40 ounce bottle of whiskey, nearly empty, his fingers loose about the neck. A few feet away lay several empty white bottles that Alice recognized as the kind that stored pills. The kind hospitals stocked. There was also... Was it... A syringe?

"Edward, what did you do?" Alice gasped.

"Alice! Check his pulse. You need to check his pulse. Do you remember how?"

"Y-yes..."

She could hear her father's brisk request for an ambulance in her ear as she kneeled down beside her brother, her shaking fingers slipping into the crook of his neck, seeking out signs of life. A wave of nausea rolled through her as she felt his skin, felt how cold he was. _So cold... He's so cold..._

"Alice?"

"I'm... I can't..."

Sliding her fingers around, Alice fell backwards into the mud as his neck flexed lightly beneath her touch. Stunned, Alice snatched at his left wrist, not believing what she'd found. _I need to be sure. I need to know for sure_. With a whimper, she released it quickly, her mind racing.

"Alice?"

"It's slow," she whispered. "Daddy, I don't think he's breathing. He's going to die."

"He's going to be okay," Carlisle assured her, his own voice unsteady. "The ambulance is on its way. You're going to have to start rescue breathing. Do you remember what I taught you guys when Mom was sick?"

"I-I... I don't remember!" Alice wailed, "Daddy, please..."

Her fingers reached out again, her heart halting as seconds passed... and nothing. _He's slipping away from me! He's leaving me!_ Sobbing, she drew a ragged breath, exhaling her words.

"The pulse stopped. Oh G-God..."

"Alice, listen. Remember the chest compressions? Two hands, firmly depressing. Get him on his back and tilt his head back to open the airway."

"Okay... Okay..."

Juggling her phone with her shoulder, Alice rolled Edward onto his back, her hands seemingly autonomous as she pressed his forehead and tilted his chin, pulling forward slightly to ensure an open airway. Images of flashcards seared her mind, and her mind began to steady.

"I remember. I have to put the phone down."

"Alice, don't stop until I get there. No matter what. Don't give up."

Tossing the phone into the grass, Alice exhaled two breaths into her brother's mouth, watching his chest inflate, as her father had taught her. _The inflation tells you that you're breathing into the lungs. If it's blocked or the abdomen swells, it's bad._ Landmarking along his ribs, Alice clasped her left hand over her right and began to compress his chest, her eyes frantically watching for signs of life in her brother's pale face. The rain continued to pour, and she wondered if the water would get into his lungs, would drown him even as she pushed and breathed for him.

_"Don't stop until I get there. No matter what."_

Alice counted to thirty aloud, her voice a faint whisper. Her ankle throbbed as it bent backwards, but it no longer hurt; the only pain she recognized was the growing hole in her chest as she feared that she would fail at this, that her compressions weren't strong enough, that her love was not enough to keep her brother on this earth. Bending forward, she closed his nostrils and inhaled twice, her shuddering fingers seeking a pulse.

Nothing.

Compressions. Her arms ached, but she continued to press, arching her back and trying to use her upper body, just like Carlisle had shown her. She lost count, sobbed, then remembered the number, kept the rhythm as if her own heart depended on it.

"Edward, please, please stay with me," she heard herself begging. "Don't leave me alone."

Two breaths, and in the distance, she could hear voices, footsteps. Tilting her head, she listened, struggling to seek out a pulse in his neck. The rain was relentless in its assault and Alice swiped at her face with her free hand, the thin material of her t-shirt useless and clinging to her cool skin. As her father called from the distance, Alice found hope.

A pulse. Two beats, that she could feel for certain.

She began compressions once more, remembering her father's words. _It's working. It's working. It has to. _He wasn't breathing; his chest remained still beneath the black turtleneck he wore, his features still. But there was a pulse.

"Edward, stay. I can't do this without my best friend. I can't..."

"Alice!"

"There's a pulse again! I felt it!"

Her father jogged to her side, accompanied by two paramedics carrying a flat stretcher and bags of medical equipment. Surveying the empty bottles strewn around his son, Carlisle shook his head sadly, gesturing for Alice to move aside.

"So many pills... Benzodiazepines, Vicodin, and... Damn it, is that injectable Morphine? How the HELL did he get that?"

Alice struggled to stand, her injured ankle buckling painfully as her father steadied her with his embrace. They stood, silently, watching as her brother was strapped to the stretcher and prepped for the journey back through the trail. Her father's face contorted with pain for a brief moment, then relaxed into his usual visage of grace under pressure, an expression Alice knew well from her mother's last weeks.

"Why?" Alice whispered.

"I don't know," her father replied.

"I didn't stop." Alice's voice sounded frail, child-like as she spoke.

"You did well, honey. I'm proud of you," he said softly, kissing the top of her head.

"Doctor Cullen? We're ready to move," the paramedic closest to Alice said.

Carlisle nodded, "Good. I'll lead."

Her father seized her hand, gripping it tightly as they led the way back through the forest, Alice's limp growing more pronounced by the minute. Halfway home, her father had scooped her up, carrying her through the brush and dim light from the gloomy sky above the canopy, mindful of her legs as they passed through the narrower parts of the path. Her eyes fluttered shut, her mouth dry as her head spun with images of her brother in the grass, lying in a crumpled heap. Her stomach heaved once more, but settled, and faintly, she heard the paramedics spitting out information and her father's soft replies, but the words blended into a cloud of sound. Whimpering, she blindly reached over her father's shoulder, her fingers grazing her brother's arm.

"Edward... Stay..."

A faint twitch of sinew beneath the moist skin of his tricep was her only reply.

* * *

_Warning: after chapter 13, this story will be going on hiatus until I wrap up Through The Looking-Glass. It will be a good place to break, trust me._

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_Please review 3_


	13. Chapter 13

_AN: _

_So... here it is: the last update for 6 weeks. Hopefully, our little jump back to four months ago with Alice shed some insight on her emotional investment in the situation, and why she's there for Edward._

_We're going to end in a good spot to break, rest assured. I'm going back to finish Through The Looking-Glass and work on Deliratio as well. _

_Thanks as always to sarawithouttheh, Megsly and everyone who reviews!_

_I own nothing but my original plot ideas and elements; all things Twilight are Stephenie Meyer's._

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

"Death? Edward, you're... You're scaring me."

His silence as Bella continued to drive through the rain pelting the worn pavement only added to her fears. Full circle to _death_? Surely, he didn't expect that she would just sit back and let him do... _that_. Now that she'd found him, and remembered what it was like to genuinely smile and feel happiness, Bella wasn't about to let him go without a fight.

"Fuck this," she spat, spinning the wheel wildly to the right and braking on the shoulder.

"Wh-what-?"

"No way," Bella snapped, cutting Edward off as she threw the car in park, "Talk to me, Edward. Now. Where are we going?"

He shook his head sadly, his hair tumbling across his eyes, "It's... You just have to..."

"Have to what? Let you hurt yourself? How about no?" Bella cursed inwardly as she felt tears welling up in the corners of her eyes. "I care way, way too much about you to help you do something that will hurt yourself, hurt Alice and Carlisle, hurt _me_. What do you mean by coming full circle to death?"

Edward's hands gripped and pulled at his black slacks, his eyes focused on the dashboard, "I have to go. Go now. Bella, _please_."

Her hand covered one of his, squeezing it tightly. He was shuddering, and part of her felt that she ought to turn around, take him to Carlisle before he shattered completely. Why did he need to flee so desperately, and where to? And why was he afraid to tell Alice or his family?

"Edward," Bella said softly, "I won't let you hurt yourself."

"I'm NOT.... Not... Bella, drive. Have to drive, _please_!"

"Promise?"

He faced her then, his eyes swollen and red, "I owe Jessica better. I owe _you_ better."

Leaning over, Bella pressed her lips to his cheek, "Okay. We'll drive. I l-"

Bella bit her lip sharply, cutting herself off. _No, stupid! You can't tell him! You'll scare him away_. Shifting back into drive and checking the mirrors, Bella pulled back out onto the road, edging the gas a little faster than she knew she should in an effort to soothe Edward's twisting hands and murmurs to 'drive' from the passenger seat. Thankfully, he hadn't seemed to notice her near-confession, and her heart's frenzied pounding ebbed away to a steadier, slower beat. The main road was surprisingly empty for a Sunday afternoon, her only company a solitary black pick-up truck and a tiny white sedan that didn't seem to understand that lane changes required a signal. Gripping the wheel tightly and flipping the indicator, she took the right turn towards the Cullen home, the Grand Prix skidding slightly along the slick road. A glance to her right told her that Edward was calming somewhat, his hands relaxed upon his thighs, although his fingers trembled slightly against the fabric.

"How much further?" Bella asked gently.

"Take the first l-left past my driveway," Edward mumbled. "I d-don't want them to follow."

"Okay."

Squinting her eyes through the rain, Bella could just barely make out the ornate antique lamp posts that marked the long stretch of road to the Cullens' home. _Fucking Forks and its rain_, Bella grumbled inwardly. The stress of the last few days was definitely not helping her road rage, and she drummed the wheel in a ferocious beat. When a small dirt road appeared, Edward made an indiscernible comment that Bella could only assume was a sign she'd found her destination, and she took the turn.

"Where are we-?"

"Half a mile," Edward replied softly. "It's the back way in. Still have to walk a little..."

"Where are we going?" Bella asked, her hand reaching out to graze his leg.

"Can't... I'll show you..."

The towering trees that framed the makeshift road lent a cover in the rain as Bella pulled to a dead end, where a small clearing allowed room to turn around. Pulling the car around and facing it back towards the way they'd come, she parked and cut the engine, nervously awaiting Edward's cue. This was his journey, somewhere he felt he needed to go. But where were they? And what did it have to do with Jessica?

She turned to her right and found Edward staring at her, his pale face an expression of anguish, but his eyes somehow lighter. Swallowing hard, his hand reached out for her chin, holding it gently, cupping the curve of her cheek as his thumb brushed her lower lip. Bella closed her eyes unwittingly, sighing at his touch. _My Edward is still inside this tempest_. Her eyes fluttered open to be met with the faintest smile, and a nod.

"Thank you."

"Anything for you," Bella whispered hoarsely.

"We need to walk now," Edward announced, his hand falling away as he threw open his door. "Be careful."

Bella stepped out into the rain, which had begun to die down, leaving a steady, cold trickle dancing along the hood of Alice's car. Her feet sank slightly into the muddy earth as she wound around the vehicle to Edward's side. His hand seizing hers roughly, he led her into the woods, picking a path between the trees and shrubs, hints of wildflowers dotting the landscape with a colour that seemed violent in the hazy light fighting through the storm clouds. She watched the ground carefully, dodging rocks meant to trip her and twigs that jutted from the muck, grateful she'd worn her trusty Chucks in lieu of dress shoes. Edward did not look back, his eyes fixed on some unseen target, but he squeezed her hand twice, as if to acknowledge her presence, assure her that he knew she was here for him.

Her mind wandered back to Alice's comments at the funeral, and she frowned, recalling her confusion. _Who is Liz? And why hasn't he said anything about her to me? We've spoken so much lately about our histories... And if she killed herself, then how could he not mention her over the last couple of days? _Bella's teeth gnashed nervously as she looked up and noticed a thinning of greenery up ahead. Edward was far too fragile to poke around in his head today; she'd have to resist the urge to demand answers, no matter how haunted she felt by this stranger with a name and no face, nor a context. Maybe she should ask Alice? _No; Edward would feel invaded_. Shaking her head, she pushed away her idea and instead gave herself over to the sight that greeted her as Edward pulled them free of the forest.

They were at a meadow, nestled within a thick circling of greens and browns. The grasses, tall but not overgrown, were alive with colours, a liberal population of a variety of wildflowers blended in among the lush blades. Overhead, the sky continued to gently weep, the cool rain dripping from her messy hair into her eyes. Brushing at her face with her fingertips, she stood, paralyzed, as Edward released her hand, edging further into the clearing.

"This is where I almost died," he said quietly. "Right here."

Bella felt her stomach roll, imagining Edward lifeless on the ground, surrounded by Pacific bleeding hearts, bead lilies and a smattering of Western trilliums. _Where he... Full circle to death. Full circle to where he almost died_. He paused suddenly, tilting his head as he stared at the ground, then chuckled weakly.

"I can't believe this is still here. I would have thought Carlisle..."

His hand reached out and grasped what appeared to be a white plastic bottle, uncapped. He held it up to the sky as if it were a chalice, catching the rain as it plummeted about him, before tossing it aside. Memory lit a flame within Bella, and she found herself rewinding a week, to their first night together.

_"I stole pills from the hospital - Morphine, Benzos, you name it. Whiskey chaser. My sister found me. She's still pissed off."_

Stepping forward gingerly, Bella licked her dry lips before speaking, "Why here?"

Edward sighed, "I used to come here all the time. Alice, Emm and I would have private parties out here, and Mom was always planting flowers and tending the ones that were indigenous. Her favourites were the _Dodecatheon jeffreyi __- _Jeffrey's shooting star. There's a cluster of them just over there..."

He turned to her then, extending his hand, "Come see them, Bella."

With trepidation, she edged forward, allowing him to guide her closer to the discarded bottle, until the cluster of brilliant magenta and lavender blooms exploded in her line of sight. She gasped, marvelling at how the water trickled along the erect blooms, their seemingly fragile petals impervious to the force of nature.

"She said they were strong and beautiful, like her children... The last day she was here, she said it..." Edward paused, twisting his fingers in his dishevelled hair. "I'm not as strong as she believed. But I let her believe it..."

"But you are," Bella insisted, her hand running along Edward's spine. "You're still here."

Edward shook his head furiously, "I'm here because Alice didn't give up on me. I was lying right here, Bella. Right where you're standing. It was near sunset when I came here, with my little kit of destruction. I'd been stockpiling for weeks, right under Carlisle's nose. Vicodin, Percocet, Benzos, Morphine... I'd even managed to swipe injectable Morphine on the last visit. I think someone at the hospital took a lot of shit for that. I came with whiskey, and I sat down here, and I swear... Bella, my Mom was here. I know she was."

His voice broke, and he slowly lowered himself to the ground, ignorant of the mud and water seeping through his pants as he sat in front of her, eyes closed. Bella choked back a sob, his story creating a canvass in her mind of a man so lost, so small... A boy who just wanted his mother.

"I watched the shooting stars dance in the wind, knocking back hundreds of pills, it seemed. I don't even know how many I took, to be honest. I remember the whiskey was almost gone when I felt myself slipping, felt the cold creeping into my skin. I was endlessly looping this Elton John song in my mind, feeling artistic in my irony. And then, my eyes closed and the rest... Not much there. Alice was screaming at me. I remember that. I remember her voice, but the words weren't registering. She's never told me what it was like for her..."

He sobbed loudly, and Bella fell to the ground beside him, her knees sinking into the grass, "Bella, I hurt her so badly... I destroyed her..."

"Shh. No, you didn't. She's strong, Edward, like you..." She wrapped her arms tightly around his frame, resting her head against his left shoulder. "You're sick. It's not our fault our brains don't work right. You told me so."

"I ruined this place for all of them," he whispered. "They don't come here anymore. It was where we came to visit Mom, and I tainted it. Now, they see me dead..."

"But you're alive," Bella reminded him gently. "They're just scared they'll lose you. Scared that what we saw today is their future. Charlie's face today, watching the Stanleys... I felt so guilty."

"Me, too."

"Charlie doesn't talk about my... The truck incident. He won't say anything."

Edward shuddered, his arms scrambling to pull Bella into his lap. She fell haphazardly, her legs dangling over his knee as he cradled her against his chest, planting kisses over her entire head, his breathing a series of ragged gasps. Her arms wrapped around him tightly, as if to hold him together, her love an emotional glue. His chest tightened as he spoke again, scarcely audible.

"Why was I found, and Jessica allowed to die?"

"I don't know," Bella sobbed, "But I am so grateful you're still here. You can't leave me."

Edward shook his head furiously, "I won't. I can't. It sounds fucking crazy, but you're my whole world, Bella. I don't breathe without you."

"Not crazy," Bella choked out.

"I had to come here today. It had to be now. I had to promise them."

"Promise who? And what?"

Edward pulled her back, his green eyes locked upon her face, "That I won't do that again. Esme and Jessica didn't have a chance. Wasting mine would be insulting to them. I have to try... And you," he said, kissing her gently, "You are beauty. I'm undoing the ugliness I brought to Esme's place, by bringing you to see it."

Bella felt electricity dancing through her body, lightning seeking ground as she trembled in Edward's lap. In sharp contrast to her name, she didn't feel beautiful, not ever. She was plain, simple, unremarkable; she'd always relied on her sharp tongue to protect her from the catty girls and cruel boys in school when she was younger, until they'd come to befriend her for the laughter she provided. But beneath the bravado, she felt small and useless. But through Edward's bloodshot eyes, she could almost believe that for a moment, even if it was only to him, that she could be special. And he was the only one who mattered now.

"We have to hang on. Together," she whispered.

"Yes," Edward said, nodding slightly, "Bella, I need you. I'm so afraid that I'll destroy you, too, but I'm too bloody selfish to even think of a life without you."

"Don't. I'd rather die yours than live alone."

Edward frowned, placing a finger across her lips, "You aren't allowed to die. Not ever. Not before me."

"So live forever, then."

Edward smiled, "Maybe I will. Maybe I'll go find a sire and be a vampire. You can be my mate."

Bella laughed, shaking her head, "Creepy! How about we just find a way to die at the same time, like when the Mayan calendar ends and the world implodes?"

"Hmm. Better. I'm pasty enough without the whole undead pallor thing," Edward mused. "But I mean it, Bella; I can't lose you now."

"So don't. Just... don't," Bella whispered. "Keep me."

His lips crushed against hers, a hungry kiss she met with an equal fire, their tongues meeting with such an intense charge, Bella swore sparks had ignited between her lips. Edward fell backwards, Bella's body sprawling atop his, her knee grazing his hip as her fingers tangled in his hair, pulling him closer. His own hands cupped her face as he moaned softly, and she ran her tongue piercing along the underside of his own tongue, something she knew he particularly enjoyed. Her heart thumped and sang as all of the sorrow, all of the fear and regret of the past few days, seemed to fade into ether. In this moment, there was Edward, and there was _life_. And it was pulsing in every inch of her body, tingling in her core, a song in her ear. She gasped as he broke their kiss, her head lolling upon his shoulder as his mouth enveloped her ear lobe, sucking gently.

"Stay. Always," she whispered urgently.

"Always," he murmured, nipping lightly behind her ear, "Always, Bella... I..." He hesitated, his breath hot upon her flesh, and a shiver ran through her spine. "I love you."

Startled, Bella rose, staring into his eyes. He looked panicked and instantly averted them, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry... That was... So sorry-"

"No." Bella smiled, tilting her head quizzically, "I... I heard you right?"

"Too soon," Edward mumbled. "Jesus, what was I-"

"I love you, Edward."

"-thinking? I'm sorry... Huh?"

Bella giggled, pressing forward to kiss the tip of Edward's nose, "Stop thinking. _Feel_."

Edward's mouth hung open, and Bella boldly kissed him, thrusting her tongue back inside the warmth of him, relishing the taste of his mint gum and a hint of coffee. He clung to her as they kissed, his left hand tugging her hair free until it fell in wet, wavy strands alongside her face. Her back was soaked to the bone, the relentless rain conquering her shift dress and leaking into the sheer lace of her bra, but somehow, she felt the warmth of Phoenix's brighter days - only the heat came from within her, not from without. His love - _he loves me back_ - had set the kindling desire within her ablaze.

It was she who broke the kiss this time, her chest heaving, "Tell me again."

Edward's eyes seemed to burrow straight into her soul as he stared at her, smiling, "I love you. You..?"

Bella nodded furiously, "I do. I love you."

"Are we crazy?" Edward asked bluntly, shaking his head as Bella buckled forward in laughter. "Okay, stupid question. But, we are, aren't we?"

"Does it matter?" Bella asked.

"Not really," Edward said with a shrug, holding her against his chest, "We haven't done anything the typical way, so far. Why start now?"

"Agreed," Bella murmured, closing her eyes with a sigh.

"We should get you inside, before you catch pneumonia," Edward said suddenly, gently lifting Bella up.

"No! Five more minutes," Bella protested, "I want to look at the shooting stars with you."

She listened to the strong, steady beat of his heart beneath her ear, felt his chest rise and fall, "Okay, Bella."

"I win," she whispered, her hands tangling in his hair.

They lay still, their eyes locked on the lavender and magenta blossoms that fluttered in the breeze, breathing in unison in the tall grass. Softly, Edward hummed a melody Bella couldn't quite name, and the timbre of it lulled her near sleep, emotional exhaustion finally seeking her out for its captive. She felt his fingers comb gently through her hair and sighed happily, pressing her head against his palm, needing his touch.

"She would love you, you know."

"Who?"

"My Mom," Edward whispered, "You don't take shit from me. She would have liked that."

"Maybe..." Bella began, her mother's smile coming to mind, vivid and loving, "Maybe our moms are gossiping somewhere... Watching..."

Edward remained silent a moment, then replied quietly, "I really hope they don't watch us have sex."

Bella fell onto her back, rolling into the grass as she laughed hard, her Chucks kicking lightly against the soil. Edward joined her in her delirium, his own chest straining as his face turned bright red. Her hand found his and their fingers interlaced.

"Let's get warm," Edward said, slowly rising to his feet, tugging Bella gently to hers.

"With our moms watching?" Bella giggled.

Looking upwards, Edward very seriously addressed the sky, "I highly recommend that you mothers go grab a tea for a few hours. Because I'm about to engage in carnal activities with Ms. Swan."

Bella slapped his arm playfully, "If you keep that up, I'm going to picture my mom during sex!"

"Kinky, Is it still an Elektra complex if you're fixated on your mother?" Edward mused. "Let's ask my dad."

"NO!" Bella squealed, pressing her hands over her ears, "La la la!"

Edward's arms snaked around her from behind, pulling her against his chest, "All sick humour aside, thank you. I couldn't have done this today without you."

"Together or not at all," Bella replied, leaning back.

"Together," Edward echoed, kissing the top of her head, "No matter what comes, we can handle it together."

In that moment, the scent of wildflowers and rain and Edward flooding her senses, Bella did what was once impossible, something she'd thought lost years ago:

Bella believed.

* * *

_Review, review! ** I may do a small "missing moment" while on hiatus (may usually means almost definitely when it comes to these things) and I will ONLY share it with people who review chapter 13. ;)**_

_For a little new year's babble and some chatter about what's to come with ALL of my stories (no major spoilers), check it out: _

_vimeo[dot]com/8480384_

_Take care, everyone, and come play on the other stories!_

_Follow on Twitter:_

_Fic updates and status - casket4myfanfic_

_Doucheward and Bitchella's account - ForkedUp (which will become much more active again in the new year)_


	14. Chapter 14

_AN:_

_Well kids, it's long overdue, but I'm back!_

_I strongly debated, as those of you following my blog know, with ending the story online and pursuing the rest as original fiction. I'm still looking to do so eventually with a version of the story down the line, but I'm going to finish the original vision online for you all. _

_This chapter takes place three weeks after Jessica's funeral. I've cut it short here in spite of my outline, simply because it was getting a little too long. With any luck, it will continue in a couple weeks._

_Thanks to every single reviewer who has left a comment, asked where the story's gone, and shown love for the story._

_**If you reviewed Chapter 13 before April 1st and never received the Lost Moment, please message me ASAP**. For those who didn't review, I will upload the lost moment eventually to Twilighted as part of an outtakes and lost moments collection to come._

_As always, Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. The songs referenced within belong to their respective copyright holders:_

_Gimme Sympathy - Metric_  
_Just Say Yes - Snow Patrol_  
_S.O.S. - Rihanna_

* * *

"If you touch my hair _one more time_, I will kill you, Alice Cullen. Murder. Annihilate," the noticeably frustrated girl with the auburn-kissed waves spilling down her back declared. "Slay."

"Like Buffy?" The petite woman wielding a curling iron giggled, dancing nimbly backwards just out of reach. "You'd never catch me, Ice Princess. I'm far too quick, even for your wit!"

"Alice, I am _not_-"

"-A princess. Yeah, yeah; just shut the hell up and let me look at my masterpiece!"

The taller, curvier woman groaned, her jaw clicking as she began to grind her teeth in an attempt to restrain herself from snatching up the pixie by her throat and tossing her across the room. Although she loved her friend dearly - like a sister, even, something she'd long wished for but had never had - there was a fine line between 'helping you get ready' and 'turning you into a living Fashion Plate mock-up of Prom Princess Barbie,' and she'd crossed it approximately 47 minutes ago. But the enthusiasm, the genuine _joy_ upon her friend's face as she hopped onto her bed, scrutinizing each angle while the hem of her silk dress swished against her thighs, was a salve for the exasperation. _Let her have her fun_, the brunette decided. _She's had so much sorrow in her life_.

"Perfect! Oh my God, you look even prettier than Lea Michele at that awards ceremony! Come see, Bella!"

Stretching out her hand, Bella was pulled to the full-length mirror across the room, from which Alice now removed the thick sheet concealing its looking gaze (_"You can't see before I'm done!"_ Alice had insisted). With trepidation, she met the eyes of the woman who'd seldom worn lipstick before, let alone eyeliner, shadow, concealer... and sucked in a deep breath.

"Alice! I can't go out like this!"

"Why not?" Alice pouted, fluffing a loose ringlet near Bella's nape. "You are so beautiful! And that dress is stunning on you. I knew that shade of blue would work those highlights-"

Bella frowned, shaking her head as her fingers traced the reflected visage before her, "Alice, look. I'm not a make-up girl. I don't even like dresses, or skirts, or pink-"

"-And I stayed away from pink, just like I promised!" Alice interrupted. "That strapless fuchsia number would have hugged your curves nicely, though."

"ALICE! Listen, please?" Bella pleaded, a tremor in her voice as the anxiety welled up. "Gwen Stefani."

"You can't wear this because of Gwen?"

Bella rolled her eyes, "No! Gwen Stefani is someone who can change her look on a whim, and no matter what she does, it somehow works for her. She can rock a t-shirt and jeans as hard as an evening gown and kitten heels. Her hair looks good in blonde or pink. _Pink_, for fuck's sake! She's a chameleon. And I..."

Alice's eyes clouded over, "And you're what, Bella?"

Bella fought back tears as she turned away from the mirror, "I'm not beautiful, or stylish. I'm probably going to face plant in those heels you made me buy, wedges or not. This... I'm a fraud in this. I'm not the princess; I'm the peasant who stole her clothes."

Alice shook her head, pulling Bella towards the bed and gesturing for her to sit. With a warm smile, she settled beside her, her silver teardrop earrings glowing starkly against the contrast of her jet black hair. Bella counted to five silently, as Edward had suggested she do whenever the fear rose, that bitter wave that crested and crashed onto her shores mercilessly, taking anything she loved in its wake, one piece at a time. Alice's hand gently nudged her chin, her baby blue eyes locked firmly on Bella's.

"Bella, if you are a peasant who stole a princess' clothes, then you're Danielle in _Ever After_. You've seen it, right?"

Bella shook her head, "No-"

"What?!" Alice gasped. "Movie night, tomorrow! Okay, I'll sum up the key stuff: Danielle is meant to be the Cinderella. Her stepmother sells off one of the nice servants to repay one of her silly debts. Danielle comes into some money and steals away to town in a fancy dress to buy him back and save him from being shipped off to slavery. She teaches a Prince, who's melancholy and self-concerned, to reach out, to laugh, to love. She is so strong, so sassy... And that's you, Bella. You taught my brother how to laugh again, how to smile. You've been hurt so much, but you fight. You care. So when I tell you now that you are radiant, and gorgeous, it isn't fraud at all. I've just managed to capture just a fraction of the beauty within you, and put it on display."

That was it: the dam she'd worked so hard to erect in the face of her worries fell away, a scattering of tears streaking down her cheeks as she embraced Alice tightly, her breath ragged against Alice's tiny shoulder. Alice's arms enveloped her, warm, kind, murmuring softly as she gently rubbed Bella's back in reassurance. It reminded her of her mother, Renee, during her younger years, when Bella had been sick frequently during that one miserable year called grade three. _Mom... I miss you so much_. Alice pulled away slowly, brushing a stray tendril from Bella's eyes.

"I'm s-sorry. You're too good to me, Alice."

Alice paused, reflecting, a soft smile upon her lips as she finally spoke, "You gave me back my brother, Bella. I can never begin to repay you for that." With a look of mock horror, Alice leaped to her feet, rushing towards the desk across the room, "Now, look what you've done! Touch-up!"

Bella laughed, giving herself over to Alice's youthful spirit. _Maybe I need to somehow bottle that_, Bella mused. _Alice lost her mother and her grandmother, and nearly lost Edward, too, and yet, she's still so full of life. I have to stop hurting. I have to try and live._ As Alice assailed her eyes with the tiny brush, Bella pressed them gently closed, Edward's face creeping into her mind. _I have to live. For him_.

* * *

The rock music crescendoed into a wailing guitar solo as Jasper's fingers flew along the brightly coloured keys, his foot tapping along with Emmett's vicious drumming.

"I will never understand what takes women so long to get ready," he grumbled. "I was out of the shower and dressed in twenty."

"Who cares?" Emmett grinned, "More time to play Chop Suey, right?"

"Ah, Rock Band," Edward sighed. "Opiate of the wannabe-Cobain masses."

Emmett groaned, "Oh, I'm sorry, Edward; the wussy piano expansion pack isn't available until next year. But you can feel free to whine your way through some Bon Jovi, if you like."

Edward knocked back the last of his beer, slapping his brother's arm and breaking his playing streak, "Fuck you, man. I busted your ass singing You Oughta Know last week when you thought everyone was out."

Jasper laughed hard as Emmett blanched, tilting his guitar to trigger his bonus, "Alanis, Emm? _Alanis_?"

"Screw you! Rosie likes that song. I was practicing for her," Emmett protested, sulking and striking the drum pads harder.

"I bet he has her CDs in his room," Jasper teased.

"Shut up..."

"Wrapped up inside a pink doily in his sock drawer," Edward agreed. "At night, when he's all alone, he sits by the stereo, sobbing to Ironic."

"Shut _up_," Emmett growled, striking out at Edward with his drum stick, grazing his forearm.

"Isn't it ironic that he missed?" Edward chuckled.

"Don't you think?" Jasper teased.

"Like raaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiin....." Edward wailed, jumping backwards as Emmett threw down the sticks and abandoned all hopes of beating his top score.

"You're gonna die, little bro!" Emmett shouted. "You _know_ what that song does to me!"

"It's a free riiiiiiiiiiiide!" Jasper chimed in, brandishing the guitar in defense, "Crap Edward, duck!"

Too late. Emmett's fist connected with Edward's stomach, sending him flying into the soft cushions of the couch behind him with a resounding _plop_! Seizing a pillow from the easy chair to his left, Emmett went to work on Edward's head, his younger brother laughing and ducking, desperately scrambling to yank free of Emmett's bulky mass. Jasper stood back, chuckling as he reached for his own beer, the corner of his eye connecting with the far corridor, from which two women he barely recognized were now emerging.

"What the hell is this?!" Alice gasped, gesturing to the brawl across the room.

Jasper chuckled, running his hand through the loose blonde curls atop his head, "It's the good advice that Edward just didn't take."

Alice snickered, stepping forward eagerly into Jasper's waiting arms, laughing as he swung her around in a circle before placing her gently on the ground. With a coy lick of his lips, Jasper stepped back to admire his girlfriend, drinking in the kimono-style dress she wore, the black silk accented by fiery red along the plunging neckline and breast boosting sash. Shaking her head, Alice called out to her oldest brother angrily.

"I spent half an hour on his hair Emmett! Cut it the fuck out or I swear that your bedroom will become a shrine to Hello Kitty the next time you leave this house!"

Emmett grumbled, finally relenting as Edward gasped for hair, struggling to his feet, "Assholes. Hurry up and go out already, will ya? I have a new Aqua Teen box set to watch."

"Rose is still pissed about that thing?" Edward asked. "Really?"

Emmett nodded, "I really don't get why she needs me there to pick out freaking flowers when you _know_ I have _zero_ _input_, anyway!"

"Who would have thought?" Jasper commented, struggling to stifle a giggle as Emmett glared viciously.

"It figures," Edward deadpanned, shrugging.

Emmett snarled, raising his fists, "Edward, Jasper, I swear to GOD-!"

"Not nice to swear at the Lord, Emm," Alice quipped.

"Shut up, Tinky!" Emmett groaned. "Go, get outta here, all of you!"

"Just as soon as Bella is here," Edward asserted, startled by insistent tapping upon his back, "Wha-?"

"Um, hi."

Edward couldn't help himself from staring, slack-jawed with wonder, at the woman before him now. Bella's long brown locks, kissed by crimson highlights courtesy of one of his sister's outings, fell in wild, loose ringlets that framed her pale face and cascaded down past her shoulders. Her eyes were dusted with shadows in gradients of silver and grey, darkest near her full lashes, her lips supple and moistened with sheer gloss. And the dress... Bella was a t-shirt and jeans sort of girl, simple and casual; he loved that about her, truth be told. She was untouched, natural, his wildflower. Yet, even he couldn't deny that the halter-style cut of her icy blue baby doll dress, the skirt edged in twinkling embroidered designs that resembled creeping vines, was hugging her body in _all_ the right places. He heard his sister giggle as Bella flushed, embarrassed as she stammered.

"Al-Alice picked the d-dress-"

"Wow..."

"Told you!" Alice crowed triumphantly to her brother. "I promised I'd take your breath away. And I kept her a little _au naturale_ just for you."

"Wow... Bella, I..." Edward reached out to caress her cheek, his heart pounding as he felt her tremble beneath his fingertips, "Go without us. I don't want to share her."

"Screw you!" Alice laughed. "I refuse to let my handiwork go unappreciated. Come on, Bella! Jazz, bring the drooling Neanderthal along, will you?"

Still struggling to overcome the slack now commandeering his jaw, Edward allowed Jasper to shove him out the doorway leading into the garage, where Alice was starting up Edward's Volvo, the radio pulsing with the latest Paramore single. Nestled in the backseat was Bella, her fingers fidgeting with the hem of her dress, desperately willing it to grow three inches and sheath her pale thighs from view. With a grin, Edward slipped in beside her, his arm wrapping around her bare shoulders, pulling her against him. Bella exhaled, a scarcely audible sigh of relief passing between her pursed lips, and he could feel her body relax against the cool fabric of his black dress shirt. With Jasper seated shotgun, Alice threw the car into reverse, backing out with enough speed to make Jasper protest. Alice's eyes rolled as she laughed, gunning the car down their winding expanse of a driveway.

"Tink, I think I just may do it for you tonight," Edward called out over the music.  
"Do what?"  
With a chuckle, Edward replied, "Clap my hands. I'm a believer now, you little sprite."  
Alice grinned, meeting his gaze in the rear-view mirror, "Stop betting against me. I look forward to my Cosmo on your dime."  
Bella's neck bent, her rich brown eyes narrowed in confusion, "Bet?"

The music shifted into a track by Metric that Edward knew well, and Alice squealed with delight, singing along, oblivious to Jasper's mesmerized stare. Bella's hand found Edward's, tugging it insistently, awaiting a reply. With a quick rotation of his wrist, he captured hers, pulling her soft hand to his cheek, sighing as the familiar pulse of electricity ignited within his chest, firing through every synapse in his spine.

"She said she could make you even sexier than I already think you are. I said it was impossible to be any sexier than my Bitchella already is. But looking at you tonight, I have to admit defeat: I've even lost words to describe you. Hence, a Cosmo," Edward concluded, smiling softly.

Bella stared up at him, seemingly stunned by his words, while Emily Haines' vocals flooded the car. The lyrics connected with Edward in that blissful, silent exchange, suddenly meaningful in the context of all that had transpired in the last month of his life, an ode to their journey from that first bitter parking lot exchange, to the way she felt against his chest that very second.

_"We're so close, to something better left unknown  
I can feel it in my bones  
Gimme sympathy  
After all of this is gone  
Who would you rather be - the Beatles or the Rolling Stones?  
Oh, seriously - you're going to make mistakes; you're young  
Come on baby, play me something  
Like 'Here Comes The Sun'..."_

"You two are nauseating," Jasper teased, shattering his reverie.  
"And you're my sister's bitch. Pot, meet kettle. You have something in common," Edward fired back, winking. "Now, excuse me, but I believe I was admiring the goddess beside me?"

Bella flushed and averted her eyes as Edward's lips grazed her ear lobe. _She is mine. And I am happy. For once, in a very long fucking time, I am honestly happy with life. Carlisle said therapy could change my life for the better, but I don't think this was what he had in mind_. And for all of the nagging doubts that held court in the circus of his mind late at night, while Bella rested in his embrace, tonight, he simply knew love. Maybe love really was all you needed.

* * *

"How long until they're fighting again, do you think?" Edward whispered in Bella's ear.

Bella bit her lip, stifling a giggle, "Three hours?"

"I say ninety minutes," Edward replied.

"It's on."

Bella watched as Ronan's muscular arm snaked around Emily's shoulders, her blonde hair slightly damp from the dancing she and Alice were doing moments prior. _Paper Moon_ was apparently Emily's favourite club in Port Angeles, and although Bella wasn't a fan of dancing or crowds, she could definitely appreciate the $3 margaritas. _Those two are so wrong together, it's right_, Bella thought to herself, smiling at the obvious love in Ronan's eyes as he listened to Emily rant about how _Sex and the City_ was a mockery of the single woman's reality. _But any minute now, they'll be sparring again_…

"… I'm sorry, but I don't know any woman who remotely resembles those characters. Jesus, it's insulting to think that Candace Bush-whatever her name is actually _believes _most of us will somehow relate to that drivel!"

"Is there a show that gets it right, Em?" Angela interjected. "Frankly, I watch _CSI_ and _Law and Order_, so I have no idea what's out there."

Emily pondered this, knocking back the rest of her margarita, "Hmm… The closest, strangely, is probably the early seasons of _The L Word_."

"Isn't that the lesbian show?" Jasper asked, tilting his head.

"Something we don't know, Emily?" Bella teased, laughing as Ronan glared in her direction. "I do suppose dating Ronan could make any woman want to switch teams."

"Ain't that the truth!" Emily exclaimed, quickly leaning over to kiss Ronan's cheek, "Aw, babe, you know I love ya. I love Jennifer Beals, alright? But yeah, as I was saying, there was at least hardship and well, a lack of bar hopping every thirty seconds in search of new men – er, women for them, I guess."

"Is that why you're always being a pain in my ass?" Ronan groaned. "Hardship?"

"Just shut up and go get me a drink, will ya?" Emily snapped. "He's like a five year-old…"

Bella leaned towards Edward, "You might be right about those ninety minutes."

"Oh hey!" Alice exclaimed as Ronan stomped away from their table, "Has anyone seen the previews for the _Karate Kid_ movie?"

"Ugh! That crap with Will Smith's progeny?" Bella groaned. "Unfortunately, yes. I'm going to have to shoot the writers on principle. Not only are they marring the legacy of awesome the 80s begat, but the kid does Kung Fu. It's the _Karate_ Kid, asshole movie execs! Completely different fighting style!"

"What's with all the remakes, anyway?" Ben, Angela's boyfriend, asked. "Are we really _that_ out of ideas that we need newer, usually inferior, versions of every movie made?"

"Sure seems like it with the horror genre," Jasper commented grimly. "And with the exception of the _Dawn of the Dead_ remake a few years back, they're all bloody dreadful."

"No pun intended, right, Jasper?" Edward chuckled.

"Touché," Jasper replied, raising his beer in a mock salute.

"I'm very bitter about the raping of the 80s," Bella muttered, "Is nothing sacred? What's next, a new version of _Can't Buy Me Love_? A remake of _The Breakfast Club_ starring a Jonas Brother? John Hughes, _please_ tell me that you found a way to protect your films."

"If anyone touches _Pretty in Pink_, it's on!" Alice snarled. "That movie is my favourite!"

"Of course it is, Tink," Edward said, rolling his eyes, "I'm just dreading the day that they butcher poor Ferris."

"See, _Donnie Darko _was great; it drew upon the magic of 80s with its soundtrack, but had its own story," Angela said, leaning forward, "Such a great soundtrack, that was. How perfect was the use of Duran Duran?"

Ben nodded enthusiastically, "'Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion!'"

"Tears for Fears," Bella sighed, dreamily, her eyes narrowing as Edward snickered, "What? They're classic!"

"'_Do you like my mullet?'_" Edward crooned, sending Bella into a fit of giggles.

"'_Business in front, party in the back!'_" Bella sang, giggling. "One of the best literal videos ever!"

"Literal what?" Emily asked.

"Literal music videos," Edward explained, "People take old songs and write new lyrics describing what happens in the video. Someone did Head Over Heels and it's awesome. You Tube it."

The music, once blending with the din of _Paper Moon_'s crowd, suddenly crept into the forefront, as a familiar voice began to sing. Bella turned to her right and saw Ronan smirking, carrying two beers back to the table. _That fucker!_ With a groan, she wrapped herself in Edward's arms in defense.

"Save me!"

Edward's head lifted, he, too, detecting the cause for her concern," I somehow think that you don't have a choice."

"Come on, Bella! I picked a song just for you to celebrate your first inking to!" Ronan boomed, grinning widely. "Everyone up! It's Bella's favourite!"

As Ronan tugged Bella to her feet, her hands flailing towards Edward, Alice rose, puzzled, "Bella's favourite is Rihanna?"

"Nooooooo!" Bella wailed. "I'm in heels! I don't dance!"

"You do now!" Alice announced, "Come on, Jazzy!"

"Fuck my life," Jasper grumbled.

Edward watched with a smile as Ronan twirled Bella around the floor to S.O.S., Alice flitting about them while Jasper shuffled his feet alongside Angela and Ben. It struck Edward then that Angela was three inches taller than Ben, and this somehow made their quiet affection even more endearing. With Emily flitting along beside him, nearly spilling her pint on her white tank top, Edward asked a question he'd been pondering all evening.

"How long have you and Ronan been together?"

Emily smiled, shaking her head in amusement as Ronan forced poor Bella into a strange tango, "Four years now, if you count the time we've been broken up."

"How long were you apart for?" Edward inquired.

"Oh, well, we break up at least once a month for a day or two," Emily confessed sheepishly, "But we always come back for more."

"You really love him, don't you?"

Emily nodded, "There are times I want to chase him out the door with a shotgun and burn his precious Spiderman comics. But he is all I see, all I _want_ to see. Ya know what I mean?"

"I do. I really do."

"Hang on to her, Edward," Emily concluded, grimacing as Bella nearly tripped over Ronan's feet, "You two together are… Magical. Now, I better go save your girl fast from my boyfriend's clumsy size 13s! Ronan! Let her be!"

Edward stretched out a hand to Bella as Emily cut in, clinking her glass against his with a playful smile. Bella's frantic expression gave way to one of gratitude as Edward's arms enveloped her protectively, his body swaying slowly. In his head, he heard different music, a delicate melody that haunted his piano time lately, and it was to that they now danced, her body pressed tightly against his.

"I think we're out of synch," Bella murmured, resting her head against his chest.

"No; the music's just wrong," he replied, kissing her forehead gently. "Wait… That's better!"

The song shifted into an ethereal blend of synthesizers and high hats, and Edward took Bella's hand, twirling her around as she giggled in protest. From behind him, he swore he heard his sister snap a picture with her cell phone, but it didn't matter. His world was the woman before him, her heart-shaped mouth curving into a smile as he spun her back towards the heart pounding beneath his ribs. Oblivious to their friends, to the throng of college students and cougars on the prowl, he sang along softly.

"'_Just say yes. Just say there's nothing holding you back…'._"

Bella gasped, her body trembling slightly within his grasp, "Not… fair…"

"Hmm?"

"You're making me like dancing," Bella protested weakly, "Singing like that is cheating!"

"I never said I played fair," Edward whispered.

"Asshole!" Bella cried indignantly, beaming.

"Bitch!"

"Jackass!"

"Wretch!"

"Wanker!"

"Shrew!"

Bella giggled, "You gonna try and tame me?"

"I already have."

"Bite me!"

Edward grinned, licking his lips as he leaned in towards Bella's bare neck, "If you insist-"

"Hey!" Bella shouted, swatting at his arm and dodging his advances, "Want the Mick to kill you?"

"Hmm… Good call," Edward noted, plunging Bella into a dip, his hand supporting the small of her back as she squealed in surprise.

"God, get a room!" Alice snickered, passing by as the song wound down. "You guys are so sweet, you're starting a diabetes epidemic. I think the Quaker Oats guy just keeled over and died, even."

"Shoo, pixie, before I turn you into dust!"

Alice stuck out her tongue, grinning as Bella rolled her eyes, "I finally get what you mean when you call her your favourite pest."

"You _love_ me!" Alice chirped, kissing Bella's cheek and skipping off to the bar.

"Drink?" Edward asked.

"Grab me one? I need the ladies' room," Bella replied, pressing onto her toes to kiss Edward.

"Your wish is my command, mighty new artist of Breaking Dawn designs!"

"Oh stop!" Bella protested, blushing.

As she made her way through the crowd of dancing and chattering bodies towards a neon outline of the universal faceless woman in a triangle dress marking the entry for the washroom, Bella smiled softly to herself. Things had been difficult for the last three weeks, the heavy hearts she and Edward bore from Jessica's death weighing down their blossoming love at times. She had to admit though that Carlisle had been right; her new therapist, Michelle, was wonderful, just the right mix of compassionate and hard-assed for her stubborn personality. She'd allowed Bella to control the pace thus far, only prodding when Bella gave one-word answers to her questions. It had become crystal clear that when it came to feelings, Bella simply didn't know how to tell them apart anymore, aside from 'good day' and 'bad day'. Michelle insisted this was normal, that she would find the distinctions again, with work, but Bella wasn't certain it was possible for a language long buried in her mind to emerge as fluent as it once was.

Slipping into the washroom, Bella lifted her hair off her neck, overheated from dancing and drinking. A slight draft whirled through the narrow room as she made her way to the sinks, tugging a paper towel free and dampening it with cold water. Pressing it to the nape of her neck, she examined her reflection in the mirror. Her cheeks seemed to shimmer under the fluorescents and Bella blinked hard, trying to clear her vision. _Maybe that was one drink too many already_, she thought to herself, jumping slightly as a stall door swung open with a loud creaking. With a sigh, Bella discarded the paper towel and spun on her heels towards the stalls, nearly colliding with a woman emerging from within.

"Sorry!" Bella blurted out, stumbling backwards.

"You're always sorry, aren't you, Bella Swan?"

Bella felt the hair upon her neck spring up as her eyes lifted, swallowing hard as they connected with the angry visage belonging to a familiar voice she'd hoped never to hear again in her lifetime.

"Leah."

* * *

_Well? Thoughts on Leah? (Rewind to chapter 5 for our last glimpse of her character via Bella's memories) Why do you think she's so angry? And how will Bella handle this confrontation with her La Push history?_


	15. Chapter 15

_AN:_

_Thank you all so much for the warm welcome back, and a special hello to those new to the story! Pull up a chair, stick around, leave a review - I love replying to them and enjoy your theories._

_This chapter's a little short, but I think the action makes up for it. _

_Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight; I own the original plotline and characterizations for Tattoos Like Mile Markers._

_A special shout out to jatara18, who absolutely made my week by reviewing. Much love to my faithful reviewers as well, who Tweet with me, leave me wonderful comments, and keep the Muse coming back. This story exists because of you._

_**This chapter contains short scenes of self-injurious behaviour; read with care.**_

* * *

Bella felt her heart begin to skip and race, the alcohol and anxiety coursing her veins destabilizing her already shaky stance. Stepping backwards, her hand shot out behind her, gripping the bathroom counter for dear life as the copper-skinned beauty before her glared menacingly.

"Don't ever speak my name aloud again," she growled through her teeth.

Bella's mouth went dry, her tongue sticking to the roof of her mouth as a formless whimper escaped her pursed lips. _Oh, God... I can't do this. I can't do this now. I'm not strong enough._ Desperately, she willed Alice, Emily, _anybody_ to step through the door and provide a distraction, some means of escape.

"I-I'll go," Bella whispered nervously. "I don't w-want any t-trouble-"

"Oh yes you do, you bitch!" Leah snarled, tossing her raven hair over her shoulder as she edged forward. "You've always been trouble, ever since the day you stepped foot on the shores of La Push. You still bring misery in your wake; your memory is a stench, tainting the beauty of my home. And Jake..." Leah paused, shaking her head, "You destroyed him, all because of your desire for trouble, Bella."

Behind her, a faucet dripped slowly, each strike of water on porcelain deafening now as Bella's head pounded. Memories flickered, rapid-fire, interspersed with the clicking of Leah's heels upon the ground as she paced. She was a wild cat, a predator, with the only one she considered prey - a sad, powerless lamb - meekly awaiting slaughter.

"I never meant for it to happen. It... It was an accident..."

_The lanky teenager peered down from the porch rail, her head tilted askance, "Are you sure about this, Bella?"_

_"Of course I am! Stop being a kill-joy!"_

_"I'm coming with you, then. You can't be alone," she declared, hopping to the cool earth below._

_"Whatever!"_

"It was selfish stupidity!" Leah screeched. "It's bad enough what you put Charlie through, but what you did to the Quileutes as a people was beyond forgiveness. Your mother died? Poor fucking baby!" Leah spat on the ground, narrowly missing Bella's feet.

"There's no excuse for what happened, but I'm so sorry," Bella sobbed. "I will always be sorrier than anyone can ever know."

_"Bella, stop! This is dangerous!"_

_"Jesus, can't I have fun? Isn't this what teenagers do? Have fun?"_

Leah suddenly pushed forward, her nose an inch from Bella's. Her breath caught in her throat as her once friend, now enemy, stared her down, her hand shooting out to grip Bella's bare shoulder. Bella winced as Leah's fingernails dug in, certain she was drawing blood, but she did not protest. _I deserve whatever I get_.

"No one is sorrier than Jacob Black. _No one_. I won't tell him I saw you tonight, dancing with whoever that poor orange-haired bastard is who's hanging off your every word out there. You leave this bathroom, and you leave this club. Don't you _dare_ ever return to this place. You got that?"

Bella nodded silently, too frightened to speak. Leah's breath was hot against her cheek, the Quileute girl's chest heaving in rage. With a guttural noise, she shoved against Bella, releasing her grip and walking hurriedly towards the doorway. Pausing at the exit, she turned around, her parting words venomous.

"I hope your mother's rotting in hell for giving birth to you."

With a choked sob, Bella crumpled forward as Leah Clearwater finally, mercifully, left her alone, her nails curling into her palms as she willed herself to breathe. _She's right. Every word is true. I shouldn't be alive, not after what I've done..._ With a grimace, Bella shoved her way into the nearest stall, slamming the door and locking it before slumping onto the seat, her head in her hands. The incoherent droning that was omnipresent in her skull grew louder, now decipherable screams and curses from those she'd loved and wronged that horrible night fourteen months prior.

"Stop, please..."

Her palms smacked at her ears, as if she could dislodge the ghosts onto the cool, dirty linoleum, but it was to no avail. _You selfish, murdering bitch!_ Frantically, Bella tugged her dress upwards, exposing her pale thighs to the dim light.

_"What have you done?"_

_"Jake...?"_

_"You killed her!" _

_"No..."_

With a frustrated wail, Bella's right fist curled tightly, then slammed viciously down against her bare flesh. _Stupid. Pathetic. Worthless. BITCH!_ Her mind chanted the words, relentless as her judge and jury, as her fist collided over and over with her leg, a crimson welt slowly beginning to form. As the pain seared the sinew beneath, the droning became white noise, a humming. Each strike, each impact, became a petal plucked from what she called her forgive-me-not, drifting aimlessly to the ground, leaving her empty, hollow. Quieter.

_"He's gone, Bella. And no amount of crying can ever bring him back!"_

"Please...." Bella whispered, her hand unfurling as she buckled forward, dizzy and spent. "Please, stop..."

The court within her recessed, the voices falling away into the night. From beyond the stall, the faint pulsing of the bass beckoned her back to the present, where outside, Edward was surely wondering what was taking so long. _Edward... I can't tell him the truth. I can't tell him about Leah. A lie. I need a lie._ Bella relieved herself, as she'd originally intended when she'd left the safe warmth of his embrace, settling on embellishing the rolling waves of nausea as one drink too many. She rehearsed her story quickly as she strode to the sink, splashing her face with water. _I don't think I ate enough earlier. The tequila is hitting me hard. Can we go to your place and sleep?_ It could work. It had to.

"Bella?"

Bella stumbled, jolted by the delicate voice behind her. _Alice__. Of course; he sent her to check on me._ Forcing a weak smile, Bella inhaled deeply.

"Hey."

"You feeling okay? You've been gone twenty minutes," Alice said worriedly, her pale blue eyes searching Bella for... what?

Swallowing hard, Bella shook her head, "I don't think I ate enough dinner, maybe. I don't usually do tequila in large quantities..."

_Liar. Fucking liar._

"Aw sweetie, come on. I'll run you and Edward back to his place," Alice declared, her hand reaching for Bella's. "You look awfully pale. You should have some water, too."

"Thanks, Alice," Bella murmured, concentrating on her breathing to avoid searching the crowd for Leah... or Jake.

Edward rushed over from ten feet away, where he seemed to have been pacing, as best as Bella could tell. He embraced her tightly and Bella fought the urge to wince as his leg pressed into the burgeoning bruise upon her right leg. Burying her face against his chest, she was grateful that Alice spoke up for her.

"Bella's not feeling so hot. Tequila's being mean to her. I'll run you guys the three blocks away to your apartment, Edward," she announced, her tiny hand rubbing Bella's back to soothe her.

"Blame it on the Cuervo," Edward replied, resting his head upon Bella's, "It's okay, Alice; we'll grab a cab. I know how much you love to dance, and how few opportunities Jasper gives you to indulge."

"Bella's my friend. I'm happy to-"

"No," Bella mumbled, turning her ashen face towards the petite woman beside her, "Really, stay; you've just had a drink. You need to sober up before going back to Forks."

"She's right," Edward agreed. "Call us when you get home."

"Edward, it was just one-"

"Alice, _no_. Stop."

Bella looked up at Edward's face, confused by his rigid jaw and pointed stare at his sister. She stepped back slowly, watching as Alice's eyes averted momentarily, then returned to Bella, her expression clouded.

"Her purse is in the trunk, though; let me get the keys from Jazz," Alice replied softly.

Edward wrapped his arm protectively around Bella's shoulders, guiding her through the throng of dancing, laughing people towards a table in the corner, where Ronan and Jasper were discussing something rather passionately, while Emily and Angela pointed out girls with excessive fake tans, snickering. Ronan glanced up as Alice leaned against Jasper, whispering in his ear, and his expression shifted, darkening. Bella shook her head slightly, her eyes pleading for his silence. With a huff, Ronan bit back whatever questions he had - for now.

"Leaving, Bella?" Angela asked.

"Yeah. I think I partied too much like 1999," Bella quipped weakly.

"Boo! We'll see you soon, right?' Emily asked, rising to hug her, "It's been ages, it seems."

"Yeah, of course, Em," Bella replied absently.

Bella looked to Ronan, her brother, one of the few people who knew about Jake, knew why she would never return to the main beaches, and felt her heart stop as he looked beyond her - through her, even. _Don't look, Bella. Don't look_. But she did, feigning a stretch, finding the reason for Ronan's sudden shift in mood.

Jacob Black was thirty feet away, with a look that would kill fixed upon Bella.

Turning back hurriedly, Bella stumbled towards Ronan, embracing him tightly. "Ronan, don't-"

"Bells," he muttered into her hair. "He's being-"

"As expected, given what happened," Bella whispered. "Edward... Just... Fuck! Run interference, please?"

Ronan pulled back with a scarcely discernible nod, forcing a soft smile as his hand brushed aside a stray lock of hair in Bella's eyes, "Have a safe trip home, Bella, and feel better."

"Thanks, Ronan. Goodnight, guys, and thank you for everything." _Everything I don't deserve_, she added silently.

A chorus of goodbyes rang out as Edward and Alice led her towards the exit, the latest Christina Aguilera track blaring from the speakers overhead. Bella forced herself not to look towards Jake, trusting that Ronan would spare her at least _that_ horror tonight. _I can't lose Edward. I can't._ From a distance, she swore she heard someone call out her, someone male, but she disregarded it, feigning ignorance.

"Oh look! There's a cab just over there!" Alice exclaimed. "Edward, take the keys; I'll go hold it for you."

Alice tossed the ring at Edward, whose long fingers wrapped neatly around the jangling metal as they rounded the corner towards the Volvo. Bella's heels clicked violently loud against the concrete, a booming staccato echoing her terrified heart, each punctuating the harsh truths her mind chanted, almost in sing-song. _Liar. Killer. Failure. Destroyer. _The trunk swung open with a creak that startled her, her body trembling as Edward handed her the small black handbag she'd borrowed from Alice.

"You're feeling really awful, aren't you?" Edward asked quietly.

Bella nodded furiously, "I just need sleep."

"You sure it's just the booze?" Edward asked, taking her hand gently as they made their way towards Alice and their cab.

_Shit_. Bella quickly debated, then went with a white lie, "I guess I was thinking about Jessica earlier on. You know, because the day I did your ink was when she-"

"Yeah, me too. I understand, Bella. You can always be honest with me. I'm just as fucked up, remember?" Edward added, smiling lovingly.

_You're horrible, lying to him like this_, her mind chastised her. "I know."

"Cab's all set!" Alice chirped as they drew near, "My treat!"

"Alice, what the hell?"

"Oh hush, Eeyore! Call it Bella's present, if you must. Feel better, sweetheart!" Alice hugged Bella tightly, kissing her cheek. "We'll chat tomorrow."

"Text when you get home, Tink," Edward stated firmly, ruffling Alice's hair.

"Yeah, yeah! Goodnight!"

Holding open the door for Bella, Edward ushered her into the backseat, directing the driver to his apartment. Exhausted from her confrontation with Leah and with seeing Jake for the first time in over a year, she leaned her head against his shoulder, her ringlets frizzy and askew. While she assumed that Jacob's rage was still a wildfire that could cut through the thickest patches of the forest surrounding Forks proper, she'd mistakenly believed that he was too decent of a person to cause a scene in neutral territory. His face as their eyes met in _Paper Moon_, the way his arms tensed, biceps taut beneath the black t-shirt he wore, bespoke a desire to kill, to avenge every Quileute who'd shed tears that damned night. Bella shuddered involuntarily, nuzzling closer to Edward's warm torso. _I have to be more careful of where I go_. _I can't risk him meeting Edward. They'll kill each other - if Edward doesn't abandon me first_.

"You okay?" Edward asked quietly.

"Just a little cold," Bella replied, a little too quickly.

She choked back a sob as he drew her closer to him, "I'll get out the extra blankets when we get back to the apartment. And you, miss, are cut off from tequila in the future."

"No argument here," Bella murmured.

_I don't plan on drinking any time soon - especially not at bars. I have to stay hidden._

The cab drew close to the curb outside Edward's apartment, and Bella reluctantly pulled away, her heart pounding wildly at their separation. Edward stepped out first, his hand reaching for hers to assist her own departure, and she lunged for it, nearly falling face first onto the sidewalk. Edward's hands steadied her, his foot nudging the door shut.

"Whoa! Easy!" Edward exclaimed. "Slowly, Bella."

Bella shook her head, wrapping her arms tightly around his frame, "Hold me?"

"Of course... Bella, what's wrong - _really_?"

Bella sighed, her eyes closed as she inhaled his scent. _What's wrong is, the moment you find out about my past, you will bail. You will run in disgust. You will run, Edward Cullen, and I will die_. Her fingers dug into his back, straining to pull him closer, pull him _into_ herself somehow, so that she might keep him, possess his heart and soul so utterly that he would always be at her side. His own hands tangled in her hair, massaging her scalp.

"Bella? Talk to me," Edward whispered urgently.

"You're going to leave me," she blurted out automatically, cursing inwardly as her voice rang out on the quiet street corner.

"What? Bella, I couldn't leave you. You give me reason to breathe." Edward pulled back, his hand tilting her chin to meet her troubled gaze. "Why would you think that?"

Bella shook her head, futile in her fight against the tears welling up, "I just know you will. I wouldn't blame you, either."

Edward's green eyes locked on her, intense and loving, "Bella, I promise you, right now, to never leave-"

"Don't! Don't promise. You can't know. Don't pretend you do." Bella's voice grew hoarse, her throat parched from fear.

"I know-"

"Edward, no. _Please_. No."

Silence blanketed them as they stood, a mere foot apart, locked in an unspoken battle of wills. A light breeze picked up, ruffling Edward's messy bronze locks, the moon picking up every highlight in such perfection that his beauty made Bella whimper. _What will I do when he's gone? How do you face the mundane after holding the divine in your hands_? For all of her hard remarks and sarcasm, Bella was soft underneath, tissue paper-thin and fragile; his departure would be more than the cliché 'knife through the heart' for her.

It would be a bullet.

"I need to show you something upstairs. Come," Edward said quietly, shattering the stand-still.

Mute, Bella trailed behind him, her grip tight and clammy upon his hand as she ascended the fifteen steps to his home - the place she'd begun to claim as a second home of her own in the last few weeks. _How many more times will I make this climb? How long until he's gone_? Swiping at a stray tear in the corner of her right eye, she obediently followed Edward into the living room, where he paused, hesitating.

"Edward?"

"Sit. I have to show you."

"Show me what?" Bella sunk into the couch, her hands gripping the hem of her dress as if it were a lifeline.

Edward did not reply.

* * *

_Follow me on Twitter to find out when I'm updating, get teasers, and witness madness._

_This story now has a playlist! You can listen here, and see why I've selected the tracks:_

_casket4mytears[dot]wordpress__[dot]__com/2010/05/11/tattoos-like-mile-markers-breaking-down-the-playlist/_

**Last, I would love to hear your thoughts and theories. What do YOU think happened at La Push with Jacob? What does Edward want to show Bella?**


	16. Chapter 16

_AN:_

_I have thoroughly enjoyed reading all of your theories on what happened in La Push, and what Edward plans to show Bella. I can say that at least one person has almost nailed what happened to drive a wedge between Bella and Jake, but not quite there... Clever readers, I have._

_This chapter is so not safe for work. *sniff* I smell citrus._

_Key song for this chapter: Little House by The Fray (YouTube it)  
_

_Other songs written to: From What I Once Was - Neverending White Lights; Galapogos - Smashing Pumpkins; Empty's Theme Park - Matthew Good_

_Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight; I own the original plotline and characterizations for Tattoos Like Mile Markers._

* * *

Bella swore she could taste sand as she sat on Edward's soft leather couch, her palms pressed against the cool surface, seeking relief from the fever within her. _Why isn't he speaking to me_? Licking her lips nervously, she struggled to maintain her gaze upon his now visibly tense form, his hands fidgeting with the hem of his dress shirt.

"Edward? You're... You're scaring me."

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "This is just... hard." With a slight shaking of his head, he nodded slightly, "Okay. I can do this."

His hands seized the left leg of his slacks, gently tugging them upwards, revealing his calf. Upon it, Bella's eyes were drawn instantly to the ink there: an icicle, suspended over flames that licked it eagerly, the numbers '314' only just apparent within the fiery tendrils. _Another time_, she mused. _Another loss?_ Edward's eyes remained averted, his voice hoarse.

"Liz... I was in no shape to be with _anyone_, but she was so persistent, so kind... And when I shut her out, shut her down... She didn't make it, Bella. Like Jessica."

Bella found herself at once exhaling in relief and breathless with the pain of his admission. _Alice__. It makes sense now, what happened at the funeral. It was so raw._ Edward paused briefly, his own eyes locked upon his pale flesh.

"There's this poem everyone loosely knows, about fire and ice. It was her favourite. It was us: she tried to melt my heart, but I was too cold, too much for her. And she... extinguished." His hands released the fabric, sheathing his leg as he rose to his full height once more.

"Edward, it wasn't your fault-"

"It was, in a way," he interrupted, his voice firm. "But she made a choice, too. It's the one thing I have come to understand lately. Jessica... It made me rethink it all. It also made me painfully aware of how much I need to be different for you. Because I can't be that person, not ever again, no matter how fucking scary it is to be... _warm_."

He approached slowly, cautiously, and Bella's hands trembled, longing for the security of his fingers interlocking with hers. His eyes finally met her own and she nearly sobbed, such was the intensity of the affection she found there. Drawing a deep breath, Edward crouched before her, his palms finding her cheeks, cradling her face lightly.

"I will protect you, Bella. I won't shut you out." It was more than a promise; it was an oath.

"I love you so much," she whispered, biting her lip to will her tears away.

"I love you." He smiled then, her heart skipping a beat at the sight. "I have a present for you."

Edward abruptly rose, moving swiftly towards the piano nestled in the corner of the living room. Settling onto the bench, he flexed his fingers as he smiled sheepishly. Bella's heart fluttered at that smile, Jacob and Leah and the eventual losses that she could foresee cast aside while she basked in its glow.

"It's been a while since I've played regularly, so no laughing, alright?"

"Never," Bella whispered, leaning forward. "I wouldn't even think of it."

Her shoulders released down her rigid spine as a child-like excitement overtook her. _He's going to play for me. Finally! _A few notes tinkered as Edward tested scales and octaves, deciding on a range that suited his song choice. With a deep breath, he began to play a delicate series of notes, singing softly, given the late hour.

_"She doesn't look, she doesn't see  
Opens up for nobody  
Figures out - she figures out  
Narrow line, she can't decide  
Everything short of suicide  
Never hurts, nearly works  
Something is scratching its way out  
Something you want to forget about..."_

Bella edged closer along the couch, rapt at his performance of this song that bespoke so much of her current torment that it was all she could do to not beg him to stop. If a mind could bleed, hers would lay dying in a pool of crimson, fatal wounds lancing it. But Edward sang with love, with conviction, and it was to that genuine passion to which Bella clung now, praying not to drown.

_"A part of you that'll never show  
You're the only one that'll ever know  
Take it back, when it all began  
Take your time  
Would you understand what it's all about?_

_What it's all about  
Something is scratching its way out  
Something you want to forget about  
No one expects you to get up_

_All on your own, with no one around..."_

At the last two lines, his emerald eyes locked with hers, tears welling up within them. It was then that she knew why he'd chosen this song, this night. _He's telling me not to go alone. He wants to help me._ A whimper slipped past her lips as she rose, perching on the arm of the couch, aching to be near his lightly muscled frame. His frenetic piano playing was stirring up love, but also lust, and Bella found herself squeezing her thighs together painfully. _And this is why musicians can always get laid_, she thought, her fears receding completely in favour of affection, in living in the now.

The song drew to a close, Edward's fingers pounding the keys with a flourish as he leaned back, eyes shut tight, as if afraid. Unable to remain motionless, Bella rose, gently pressing play on the iPod dock as she reached out for Edward's cheek, her lips meeting his in the barest of touches. She felt him shudder beneath her caress and it aroused her further.

_If all I'll have with Edward is a few brief days of my life, I will not waste them_.

Soft piano and drums echoed through the room as Bella straddled Edward's hips, sinking onto his lap. The edge of the piano pressed against the small of her back as she kissed him again, gentle, reverent, and Edward groaned against her, his hands gripping her hips. He ground her pelvis against his, his own arousal apparent, and Bella moaned into his parted lips, her hands tangling in his messy copper locks. The kissing intensified, her hunger suddenly overtaking her, her tongue almost pulling his into her mouth, urging him to claim her, to possess her. His bulging erection pressed firmly against her as his fingers drifted down her thighs and beneath the flimsy fabric of her dress, caressing the soft skin. The bench rocked slightly beneath them as Edward discovered the lacy garters securing her sheer thigh high stockings, a guttural noise indicating his approval as his mouth moved swiftly to her exposed neck, sinking his teeth into the flesh in a playful bite. Bella gasped, her hips bucking at the feel of each shallow breath and the light, roving circles his tongue made between nips. Her own mouth enveloped his left ear lobe, the cool metal of her piercing rolling lightly along its edges as she pressed down, desperate to feel the length of him. Her fingers twisted and tugged at his hair, holding him tighter, closer.

_I need. I need him. I need all of him._

"Bella," he growled low, "This bench... it's not going to make it."

"Then move me," she purred, her hand fumbling between them for the zipper of his slacks.

"Don't let go," he whispered.

Bella wrapped her arms tightly around his neck as Edward quickly maneuvered her legs, hitching her knees to his waist as he rose to his feet, half kicking the bench aside. His mouth sucked hard at her neck, staking his claim, as he brought her to the couch, roughly dropping her to the soft cushioned seats. With a lick of his lips, he extricated himself from her grasp, shoving the coffee table away with his foot as he stretched her legs out, balancing her ankles upon his shoulders as he knelt before her. Bella struggled to breathe, lost in his predatory eyes, the wetness pooling between her thighs.

"You're mine," Edward growled, sliding her dress above her hips.

"Yes," she panted.

"_Say it_," Edward insisted, tearing the black thong away from her body, exposing her.

"I'm yours," Bella murmured, dizzy with lust. "Please, Edward-"

He ran his index finger along her right thigh lightly, tracing a path towards her labia, halting just beyond her entrance. Bella squirmed, craving him within her, but he shook his head, remaining on the very edge, the warmth of his flesh almost volcanic.

"You're mine, Bella," Edward insisted again, his eyes fixed upon hers. "You've always belonged with me. You were made for me. Tell me you were."

There was more than domination at work here, Bella realized, although they were no strangers to such play; Bella loved the surrender, the safety to explore new territory with him. It occurred to her that he needed her as desperately as she needed him, and in that moment, she wanted him inside her all the more. She wanted him to feel how her body fit against his, feel how she loved him in every way. Feel her need.

"I'm yours," she pleaded. "I've spent my whole life waiting for you. Please, _please_, take what's yours."

His fingertip slid along her slick slit, circling her clitoris lightly as she moaned and gasped, her heels pressing into his back, "You're so beautiful, Bella. I just want you to be happy... Be mine..."

"I'm yours," she whimpered, trembling, "Fuck, I'm so close..."

"Not yet," Edward whispered, his face bending forward, "Not like that..."

Bella's hands clawed at the couch as Edward's finger was replaced by his tongue, hot and wet as it lazily lapped at her wet folds. With a soft moan, he gently suckled her swollen nub, his finger slipping inside of her, gently pressing up against her G spot. Gasping his name, Bella hooked her ankles behind his neck, drawing him closer to her core, her thighs spreading wider. _Don't stop, God, don't ever stop!_ His other hand gripped the bare flesh of her ass as she hung, half suspended, balanced upon her lower back as she steadily peaked, her moans and gasps louder and more ragged. A second finger slipped inside her, both pumping faster as Edward continued to lick and suck, alternately delicate and devastatingly fast. He knew her so well, played her as if she was the piano across the room, and the world began to spin.

"Fuck, Edward, yes!" Bella managed to gasp, her legs beginning to shake uncontrollably as her climax took her, her eyes rolling back in bliss.

"Mmm," Edward purred against her, licking his fingers clean as he slowly withdrew.

His hand enveloped hers as her chest heaved, struggling to regain composure after the intense release. Smiling, eyes closed, Bella felt loved, protected, even in this rather vulnerable - but incredibly erotic - position. As her lids fluttered open, she met Edward's gaze, echoing his declaration.

"I'm yours."

Edward smiled softly, kissing the inside of her thigh, "Yes, and I'm yours."

"Take me," Bella demanded, bucking her hips, her legs falling to the ground. "Now. I need you."

With a smirk, Edward replied, "Oh, do you?"

"Yes," Bella growled, leaning forward and yanking at Edward's fly, releasing the button and nearly ripping it free in the process. "_Now_." Her mouth flew to the fly, tugging the zipper down with her teeth, and she grinned as Edward groaned loudly.

"Bella, fuck!"

"That's what I'm suggesting," Bella replied, shoving his pants to the floor forcefully.

Edward's hands reached out to unzip her dress as she deftly removed the black silk boxer briefs holding him hostage. His shaft sprung free, pressing against her chest as she raised her arms into the air, shuddering as Edward lifted her dress up and away. Clad now in only a black lace strapless bra and thigh highs, she pulled Edward down on top of her, kissing him deeply. His hand cupped her breast, thumbing her nipple through the flimsy protection the lingerie provided, his hardness pressing against her inner thigh. _One little inch and_... Bella gently bit Edward's lower lip as her hips shifted, the two of them gasping as he entered her, much to his shock.

"Bella!" Edward moaned against her lips. "Oh, _God_..."

"I'm yours," Bella promised, running her tongue along his lower lip.

His hand squeezed her breast as he thrust deeper inside of her, his breath hitching slightly. Bella moved to meet him, intensifying the union with a satisfied sigh. Withdrawing nearly all the way, Edward slammed inside of her, her entire body slipping backwards on the couch, and she steadied herself on the arm rest.

"You feel so incredible," Edward whispered, leaning in to kiss her lightly.

"So do you," she murmured softly.

"God, Bella... _Fuck!_ Wait, wait..." Edward muttered.

"What? What's wrong?" Bella began to panic as Edward withdrew, stepping backwards from the couch. "Edward-"

"No condom!"

Bella exhaled loudly, "Ah! That's all?" With a ferocious strength, she pulled his naked frame back towards her, "It's fine-"

"But we-"

"Edward, we tested, remember?" Bella said softly, kissing his chest.

"Pregnancy-"

"On the pill, two years and counting," Bella replied quickly. "Edward, you keep insisting I'm yours, but I don't see you marking your territory," she teased, a defiant smile upon her lips.

"Oh, you want me to mark it, huh?" Edward smirked, relief sinking in.

With a pointed grin, Bella leaned forward, running her tongue along the length of Edward's cock, "I want _everyone_ to know I'm yours."

Bella was startled as Edward shoved her backwards, gripping her sides and rolling her to her stomach. He raised her legs, forcing her to her knees upon the worn leather, and planted her palms upon the back of the couch with a loud _slap_. Bella shuddered as she felt his breath hot against her ear.

"You asked for it."

His hands gripped her shoulders tightly as he entered her from behind, burying himself deep inside of her tightness. Bella gripped the couch for support as Edward thrust into her over and over, hard and fast, her knees lifting slightly with the force of each motion. His mouth found her left shoulder, sucking it hard, branding her as she moaned louder, repeating his name between gasps. His warm body molded against her from behind as he mercilessly pounded into her, his own groans feeding into her rapidly-building orgasm. At one point, when she felt so close, her walls beginning to tighten, he halted inside her, his teeth sinking sharply into her shoulder. Crying out, Bella nearly came from the sensation, from the domination of it.

"Mine," Edward whispered possessively.

"Yes... Fuck, _yes..._ Please..."

"Please, what?"

Bella swallowed hard, her breathing ragged, "Please come inside of me. I want you to."

His mouth trailed hot little kisses along the side of her neck, his hand sliding down to caress her abdomen, "Will you go with me?"

"Yes, yes, _please_..."

Bella felt him throbbing within her as he kissed her damp cheek, "I love you."

"I love you," she replied softly.

His teeth sunk into her neck, a firm nip, before he slowly withdrew his shaft from within her, whispering the sentence that left her wet anew:

"Hold on tight."

His left hand clamped over hers as he took her even harder than before, her moans near-screams as his right hand dropped down, toying lightly with her swollen clitoris. Her hands braced against the firm backing of the couch, her knees sore from the pressure of his movements, but she wouldn't dare ask him to stop, not now, not when her field of vision grew rapidly hazy, trails of colour obscuring all sight. It was taking all of her will not to explode, to fall away into the ether, but she was determined to take him with her. His pace quickened rapidly, his own groans louder.

"I'm... Love, I'm-"

"Now, now, yes, NOW," Bella begged.

Distantly, she could hear him moan her name as she came undone, her screams surely awakening their neighbours as her entire body tensed, then collapsed under the weight of her pleasure. Her grip loosened upon the couch, Edward's arm her only support as he thrust lightly, emptying himself deeply inside her. The thought alone - that he had been _inside her_ - nearly brought her back to her peak with pure joy. Kissing her bare shoulders, Edward withdrew at last, panting as he collapsed into the couch, rolling Bella onto his lap. Her head fell against his chest, listening to his heart pound against his ribcage as if it would break free.

"Bella... My Bella."

"As long as you want me," she whispered.

With a deep inhalation, Edward kissed her head, tousling her disheveled locks, "I never knew..."

"Knew what?"

"That... So much closer, connected, without it..."

Bella paused, considering the meaning of his words, then nodded enthusiastically with a happy sigh, "It was amazing to _feel you_... To have that be with you."

Edward cradled her closer, "Have you ever-?"

"No," Bella murmured, "You?"

"No... No, I never..."

They sat silently, the soft music from the iPod dock filling the space with hushed melodies. Bella's fingers traced lazy lines along his chest, down to his waist and up again, a sigh against his flesh as his arms held her tighter against him. He was so good to her - far better than she imagined she deserved.

_How will I ever live without him?_

- _Stop. Live in the now._

"I'm so glad I told Dr. Granola off that day," Edward mused quietly.

"So 'm I," Bella answered softly, the words heavy on her tongue.

"C'mon," Edward murmured, slipping his hand beneath her knees, "Bedtime."

Rising slowly, Edward carried her gently into the bedroom, laying her suddenly exhausted form upon the bed before slipping in beside her. Bella whimpered in protest, mourning the loss of his embrace until she felt his arms snake around her, drawing her to his chest.

"Shh," Edward soothed her. "I'm here."

_For now_, Bella lamented.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"For what?"

"For... yourself," she replied, her eyes falling shut in spite of her struggle to stay awake.

"I'm yours, Bella."

"S-swear?" Bella mumbled.

"I do," he whispered.

"Mmm... Y-..."

And with that last unfinished thought, that last beautiful feeling, sleep claimed Bella.

* * *

_Follow me on Twitter to find out when I'm updating, get teasers, and witness madness - casket4myfanfic._

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_**So, um, writing lemons always makes me antsy, because I feel I suck at them, so do a girl a solid, and review? **_

_**Also, can I just say thank you to those of you who've stuck by this story?**_


	17. Chapter 17

_AN:_

_First off: you are all so, so wonderful! Thank you for the reassurances and praise! I half-apologize to those who were left *ahem* uncomfortable at work._

_I've had a few people asking over and over when Bella will ever tell Edward about La Push. Edward, first of all, is keeping a big secret still of his own (we've only heard him explain four of five tattoos, remember?). Second, Bella has no real distance from La Push, since she's reminded every time her father goes there of what happened, so it's a raw wound._

_That said, things will begin to tumble out over the next 7 chapters, on both sides. But first, these kids need therapy, right?_

_Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight; I own the original plotline and characterizations for Tattoos Like Mile Markers._

* * *

The gangly man with the messy black curls stepped out into the hall, searching the waiting room anxiously. His eyes settled on the lone male in the room, who had buried his face in a worn copy of People Magazine with Megan Fox on the cover, and he smiled knowingly. _You can always smell the new patient on them_, he thought to himself as he approached.

"Edward Cullen?"

The copper-haired man looked up, almost wincing in pain at the realization that the jig was up, and he'd been found in spite of his willing himself invisible. He nodded – _this one will be difficult to draw out_ – and the gangly man extended a hand.

"I'm Dr. Marcus, but you can call me Andy," he stated, "Shall we?"

Edward Cullen walked behind him, each step weighted, as if to delay the inevitable. Andy exhaled as he opened his office door, allowing Edward to enter first and assess their working space. He'd already been warned by Edward's father that he was a reluctant case, and Andy had decided that the best course of action at first was to allow Edward to take the lead, for the most part. With a shrug, Edward sat down in the large leather chair in front of the doctor's desk, his arms crossed over his chest. Taking his own seat, Andy leaned back, rocking slightly in his swivel chair.

"So, Edward… I'm not one to bullshit, so here's the deal: I know your last therapist did nothing for you, because she wasn't a good match. It happens in therapy, but all we can do is try someone else out. I want you to understand a few things about me upfront, so there are no surprises, okay?"

Edward nodded, seemingly stunned, "Um, sure…"

"Alright. First off, I don't believe in soft touch, gentle therapy, which sounds about right for Dr. Jones' approach. I ask questions, and sometimes, they're hard ones. I call bullshit in my patients and what they say, but I also expect you to call me on it right back. You're not stupid and I don't know everything. I firmly believe that the patient knows best what they need to talk about, but 'nothing' is not an option. Sound fair?"

"Yeah," Edward agreed, "Definitely better than Jones."

"Speaking of her, what pissed you off the most about therapy with her?" Edward hesitated, and Andy continued, "What's said here, stays here, unless you are in danger of harming yourself or others. Speak your mind."

"She was annoyingly touchy-feely hippy happy," Edward muttered, "She was all, 'Oh Edward, actualize! Make a choice to be happy and you will be!' As if I wouldn't choose that, you fucking moron! Didn't she see if I knew how to be happy, I fucking would be? She was hypocritical and tedious and her voice grated on me like a bad episode of a children's show."

"But tell me how you _really_ feel, Edward!" Andy quipped, eliciting a chuckle from Edward. "Sounds like Jones had the right idea at heart, but forgot a key step with you, given your complex history."

"And that is?"

"She forgot that you don't have the tools to choose to be happy over depressed in a given situation," Andy mused. "She put the goddamn cart before the horse. It's one thing to draw upon the Twelve Steps and ask someone to 'act as if'; it's a whole other thing to ask them to _be as if_. What I promise to do is offer you the tools, Edward. Your job here is to try them out, tell me what works and what doesn't, and let me help you practice using them. You game?"

Edward remained silent a moment, his eyes wandering to the window behind the unexpectedly enthusiastic and straight-forward Dr. Marcus – _Andy_, rather. It sounded so easy, the way he put it, but Edward knew it just couldn't be that simple. But across town, in another office, Bella was putting on her game face, trying to heal herself. He owed it to her to try as well; it was their promise to each other from that first night.

"I'll probably fuck up a lot, but yeah," Edward responded. "I have a damn good reason to get shit together."

"Fucking up means more sessions, which means more money," Andy chuckled. "I kid. But seriously, Edward? From what little your dad has told me, this is going to take time. It won't happen overnight, or in a few weeks. But it will slowly get better. And fucking up is normal. It's all a learning curve." Andy flipped open the folder upon the desk, and picked up a nearby pen. "Now, tell me about this reason to get it together."

Edward smiled, "Bella, my girlfriend… The first in a long time. I never thought I would date again, actually, but I guess when you pair a foul-mouthed bastard like me and an equally foul woman, it clicks. She's got issues, too, so she gets it. She's the only thing I gained from seeing Jones."

Andy nodded, "Your dad was saying that you led a girl out of that group who was equally unimpressed. Let's start with something small: that's three positives now from your experience with Jones."

"Three?"

"First off, you met this woman that, from the twinkle in your eyes, has captured your heart. Love is rare, Edward, especially when you're fighting to see its light through depression's fog. Second, Bella was obviously unhappy, but not brave enough to stand up alone. You helped her move on from a situation that wasn't healing her. And last, you found out for yourself what you do and don't need from therapy. That's a lot of value from something you probably deemed a big waste of time."

Edward mulled this over for a moment, "I never thought of it that way at all."

"Jones never showed you how," Andy stated, "I will. Now, Bella… What is your biggest fear right now about that relationship?"

Edward stared down at his lap, fidgeting with the hem of his t-shirt, "That I will fuck up, like I did with my last girlfriend… That my old issues will keep me from being there for her. I can't hurt this one. I can't keep screwing things up. My sister and I, I almost screwed that up for good, too. I need to stop making shit wrong and start making it right."

Andy nodded, "That's a very healthy perspective, to want to heal to have better relationships, and to want to learn from the past. What was your last girlfriend's name?"

"Liz. Elizabeth Manchester," Edward answered quietly, swallowing hard. "We broke up a year and a half ago…"

"Why did you split up?"

_'I can wait for you!'_

_'Don't.'_

"I was so fucked up then. I was smoking up a lot, avoiding school and family… I just couldn't deal with anyone. Liz was a friend at first, helping me through some shit and then… I couldn't say no to her. Not after everything. But eventually, I couldn't be what she wanted me to be…"

"How did she take it?"

"She didn't." Edward paused. "She killed herself three days later. Slit her wrists and OD'd in a tub…"

Andy leaned forward, shaking his head, "I'm sorry, Edward. That must have been incredibly hard to handle."

Edward nodded mutely. _One more body for the count. One more person whose life I touched, and I, the Reaper, ended it for them._ His foot began to tap against the ground as he remembered her lifeless, waxy body in the casket, recalled his sister's tiny hand upon his arm, steadying him.

"Did you love her?"

"Huh?" Edward shook himself back to the present, his foot continuing to tap as if a metronome, keeping time.

"Did you love Liz?"

"Of c-course. She was good to me…"

"Let me rephrase. Were you in love with her?"

Edward frowned, "I guess-"

Andy interrupted, "Was it the same as you feel about Bella?"

"No, God, no. Completely different. Bella is everything to me. I… I can see… Fuck, forget it. Nevermind."

Andy shook his head, "Don't censor. You can always say it and change your mind later. What can you see, Edward?"

"It's stupid."

"So's most of life, Edward. It's okay to be stupid."

Edward growled, "Fine! I sometimes see myself with Bella… and we're old, you know? Like, retired old. But that's fucking ridiculous, because we've known each other for only a couple months."

Andy drummed his pen upon his notepad, weighing this statement with a small smile. Edward stared at the doctor, wondering what he found so damn amusing about this revelation, and pondering walking out the door. But so far, the guy had been… refreshing. _What's so amusing, you ass?_

"I've been married eleven years, since age nineteen. My wife and I eloped six weeks into our relationship while on a trip to Vegas, and the rest, including the two daughters who have given me cause to buy a shotgun, is history. Sometimes, Edward, you just… know. So don't discount it just yet, alright?"

_Damn him_. Edward didn't know whether to be grateful that his ever more frequent fantasies of a long life with Bella seemed normal to this guy, or annoyed that he was perhaps indulging Edward just to win his trust.

"So Edward, is it possible that you never were _in love_ with Liz, but loved her as a companion and support?"

"I dated her for a year, almost. Why the hell would I do that if I didn't love her?" Edward snapped.

"Because she took care of you, and you felt obligated to return the favour by giving her something she wanted: the idea of love with you, or, perhaps, the chance to fix someone so that she might, in turn, be able to fix herself?"

Edward leaned forward, his voice rising in anger, "What do you mean, 'fix herself?' Liz was normal! She was fine! She-"

"She killed herself when you turned her away, Edward. Did you ever consider that it wasn't only because of your failed coupling, but that it was just one more thing?" Andy asked, staring Edward down. "People can always make a choice, Edward. There are always odds to weigh, pebbles for the scales to balance. You were just one pebble."

"No… I would have noticed if… She never told me-"

"Edward," Andy said softly, "How often did you tell anyone, before your own attempt?"

Edward sunk back in his chair. _Fuck_. Was it possible that, like Jessica Stanley, Liz had been dealing with things beneath the surface that he'd not had a fucking clue about? While he'd already come to believe that Liz could have chosen to live, that hadn't changed his belief that he was the sole instigator for her sorrow. Was he wrong?

"She didn't seem unhappy…" Edward mumbled.

"Did she seem busy? Overachiever, perhaps? Did she join a lot of projects at once?"

Edward contemplated this, and began to see where Andy was going. Having been in the hospital, then group therapy, he was now so much more familiar with mental illness. _Was she manic?_ She certainly always seemed to be on this or that school association, and her sleep patterns were… messy?

"Maybe…"

Andy nodded, "Edward, I can't begin to diagnose someone I've never met, nor will I ever be able to meet. But I want you to consider strongly that perhaps there was a lot in Liz's head that made her sad, or unstable. Was breaking up with her something that may have set her on a bad train of thought? Sure. But there's a choice and she made it, and eventually, she would have had to make it, no matter what happened with you.

"As for Bella, and not wanting to mess things up with her, the best start is being here. You love her a hell of a lot, so try and remember that when things get hard in here and I piss you off, okay? Because Edward, I _will_ piss you off at times. I will make you talk about things you don't want to. But later on, you'll be happy you did. In the meantime, try not to punch me in the face?"

Edward chuckled, shaking his head, "You're a little spun, aren't you, Andy?"

Andy grinned, "Hyperactivity. Takes one to know one, that sort of thing. Shall we call it a session early? First one's the hardest, after all."

Edward rose slowly, "Yeah… I'm… tired. And Bella should be done with her doctor soon, and I would like to be there, in case she's…"

"I understand completely. Same time next week?"

"Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good."

Andy reached out his hand to Edward, who shook it firmly, "It was a pleasure, Edward. You're smart, you've got anger, and you're ready to get well. I think we'll get along much better than the last experience."

"Dude, you curse. That's already a step up."

Andy laughed, "Go pick up Bella, and I'll see you next week."

Andy Marcus watched as Edward slipped out the door, his head held a little higher than when he'd entered. Smiling to himself, he crossed the room to his desk, where he punched in a number on the phone and waited, tapping his pen.

"Hello yourself! Saw Patient X, today… Of course, I won't mention that but I will say this: I like him. And I think it'll be fine… Not a problem, Doc. Thought you'd want to know that your search is over, for now. Take care."

* * *

"Ms. Swan?"

"Hmm?" Bella's eyes snapped upward, gazing at the mid-thirties woman who looked more like a librarian than a doctor to her.

"Are you alright?"

"Just nervous," Bella confessed. "I don't like telling people about my issues…"

The kindly woman nodded, "I understand that. Therapy is a scary place. Why don't we start with the easy stuff for today, okay?"

Bella nodded her assent, her fingernails curling into her palms. _Why can't this just magically happen without me, but have me get better in the process?_ The sting in her hands helped her focus as the new therapist began asking her questions.

"I generally don't like to take notes during sessions, because I want to pay attention to everything said as it happens. I use a tape recorder instead, and make my notes after a client leaves. If you prefer I take traditional notes, that's fine. It's your choice."

Bella shrugged, "The tape recorder's fine."

"Okay, then. My name is Michelle, and I'm a licenced psychotherapist. All that means is I'm a doctor who then specialized in talk therapies as well. I've been doing this for ten years, and usually work with young women. Now, as much as I hate labels, it's always helpful for me to know what labels people have put into my clients' heads. Has anyone ever given you a diagnosis, Bella?"

Bella nodded, "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Major Depression, Panic Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, whatever the hell that is. No one ever explained it."

Michelle sighed, "Most never do. Do you harm yourself, Bella?"

Bella swallowed hard, looking away. _Why? Why is this coming up? I… I can't…_ A hand touched her arm and she jumped, looking to see Michelle leaning towards her, a firm palm upon her bicep.

"Stay present, if you can. Just nod or shake your head, okay? We don't have to discuss it today."

Bella nodded furiously, forcing herself to breathe. Her mind drifted to Edward's face and she immediately relaxed a little, recalling the way his arms felt around her each morning as she awoke. He was home. He was her protection.

"Okay, Bella. I'll ask you some questions next time we meet, but I have a feeling that you've been slapped with the Borderline label strictly on the basis of your self-harm. It's a frequent mistake made, particularly since self-injury doesn't really have its own category in the DSM – the big ol' Bible of mental illness. Today's the easy stuff, though, so no big questions. Now, are you single?"

"No," she whispered, "I-I have a b-boyfriend."

"That's good," Michelle noted. "What's his name?"

"Edward. He's messed up too, l-like m-me…"

"It helps when someone understands what's happening inside your head, doesn't it?" Michelle asked.

"It does… Like, when I panic, Edward can calm me down. He talks to me, and helps me remember to breathe. And when I have moods where I want to just scream and cry, he doesn't look down at me or… _pity me_. He just tells me to scream, and holds me until it goes away. He loves me, even when I'm a bitch." Bella smiled faintly, thinking of his text earlier, urging her to not be Bitchella until at least five minutes into the session.

Michelle smiled, "Sounds like the kind of guy you need: no pressure to 'act' or be well in thirty seconds. Anyone else in your circle of friends who understands like Edward does?"

Bella bit her lip, "Well, Ronan lost his mom like I did and he's been a good friend for a couple of years. And Edward's sister Alice is really sweet to me, and since she's close to Edward…"

"Family? How are things there?" Michelle asked softly.

Bella sighed, "Charlie tries, really hard, and he can be a really good father. But he hasn't lived it. That was one of my biggest complaints with Jones, actually."

"Jones?"

"The doctor before you," Bella clarified. "She so obviously had never been depressed a fucking moment in her life. I never felt she really got what we were telling her. She seemed like a walking Chicken Soup for the New Age Soul."

Michelle giggled, "Oh God, I've met those kind. Some people really like that approach, so I can't dismiss it out of hand, but for me, it's just not… Helpful enough. Bella, may I be frank?"

Bella nodded, "I'd hope you would be. If you're going to feed me a bunch of crap disguised as advice, you're wasting my time and your own."

"I couldn't agree more. Bella, I'm a therapist, and I'm a happy, healthy individual, but |I wasn't always. I grew up with a family that was… less than stellar. I had a lot of pain and resentment to process by the time I hit university, which is kind of why I ended up in this profession in the first place." Michelle smiled softly, "I say this so that you know that when I say that I can relate during sessions, I'm sincere. There will be times I cannot relate, because each of us has different lives and emotions. But there are plenty of times I will 'get it'."

Bella nodded, fiddling with the hem of her blouse. _Well, I didn't expect that!_ As much as she was surprised by this confession, she was also reassured by it. _She can't be as bad as Jones, right?_

"So, what do you want me to say?" Bella asked.

"Whatever you want to," Michelle replied. "Take it easy today. How are you feeling?"

"I dunno. Blah?"

"Do you feel blah a lot?"

"I guess. I can't tell anymore. I guess that makes me a freak, or a bad patient or something."

"Don't worry; that's par for the course with depression. Eventually, we'll help you figure it out. Blah is obviously not good, so, is there anything making you feel blah?"

Bella sighed, "I'm scared that Edward… He won't stay. Not when he knows everything about me."

"What would make him leave?" Michelle asked. "He seems like a sturdy boyfriend, and you've said he takes care of you."

Bella shook her head, "I'm not…. I can't talk about the… No."

"Let's skip details, then," Michelle said in a calm voice, "It's the first day. I take it something in the past is scaring you, because you're afraid of how Edward would react?"

"Yeah…"

"So the issue then is, you're afraid of the past defining your future. That there's no way to move forward with it, but you either are stuck there, alone, or you have to keep running from it? Does that feel right?"

Bella frowned, "I… I… Maybe? I don't know!" Bella sighed in exasperation. "This is so hard. The words…"

"Words are hard to use?"

Bella nodded, "I used to write, but now… Nothing. Even words don't want anything to do with me."

"Edward wants something to do with you, as do I," Michelle interjected.

"Because he thinks I'm this good person!" Bella shouted, slamming her fist on the arm rest. "He thinks I'm some loving, great girl and I'm fucking poison!" A tear slid down her cheek as she rose, pacing between the door and the window across the way. "You know, he always says he's evil and toxic, that he destroys everything, but he has no idea what that is. He hasn't done what I've done. I'm the bad one. And when he gets that, when he _see the truth_, he'll be g-gone, and I-I-"

"You'll what, Bella?" Michelle asked gently.

Bella pressed her palms to the window glass, staring out at the murky skies over Port Angeles, "I'll be so _lost_…"

"Bella, are you sorry for whatever happened before?"

Bella nodded furiously as the tears began to fall unbidden. _Fucking emotion. Fucking weakness! Get a goddamn grip!_ "I'm so, so sorry… I would take it back. I would…"

"Then you're not a bad person," Michelle stated firmly, "You have remorse. You made a mistake, big or small, but you are painting yourself with the wrong brush."

"Bigger than big," Bella countered.

Michelle nodded, "I can't tell you how Edward will react, because I don't know what you have experienced. But I can tell you that bad people don't care how they affect others, or what others believe of them. You're a good person in a great deal of pain, Bella. You deserve a second chance at being happy. And from everything you've already said, it sounds like Edward can't be shaken easily. Do you believe he loves you?"

"Love can change… It did before… W-when…."

"When what, Bella?"

Bella frowned, shaking her head vigorously, "Not yet. But… Jake left me. Love wasn't enough. And he swore he'd never leave, that nothing would ever change it. But it changed. Edward will change, too."

Michelle leaned forward, "Maybe he wasn't strong enough to love you through anything. Maybe you need Edward, not anyone else."

"I do." Bella sniffed hard, swiping at the tears streaming down her face, "But he doesn't know… So how can he know he'll stay? I c-can't lose him."

"Then you and I will work to help you, so you won't." Michelle paused a moment, her eyes trained carefully on Bella as she bit her lip,"I think that's more than enough for today; you're just getting to know me. What you have already said here shows me that you can get better, if we work at it."

"It-it does?" Bella whispered.

"Yes. And you should be proud of yourself. You've already opened up a little, and you came. Walking in the door is one of the hardest parts."

Bella's fingers twisted in her auburn locks as she leaned against the window, eyes scanning the office. She took in the shelves of books, both clinical and recreational – _mmm, Stephen King!_ – and the soft blue of the walls, and swallowed back the lump in her throat. _I can work here. I can try._

"Will you be okay today after this session?"

Bella nodded, "Edward said he'd come get me…"

"That's very good of him. Is this a good time for you for therapy each week?"

"Yeah, I guess. Ronan said he'll make my schedule work out, so… Um, can I ask…?"

Michelle paused over her calendar, "What do you need, Bella?"

Bella closed her eyes, something she often did when anxious, "As much as I hate the damn things, I've been having the attacks more again, and… I hate them. I hate being so fucking defective! Is there anything..?"

Michelle reached for a small pad, scribbling down Bella's name, "What have you taken before?"

"Clonazepam is alright. Ativan is great for attacks but I can't function afterwards, like working."

"Okay, then. I'd like you to take 0.5mg of Clonazepam twice a day, steady, until I see you next week, okay? I have a feeling this entire week will be very tense for you. We've begun opening up raw wounds, and that's always scary. Next week, we'll take another look at other options and dosages." Michelle handed her the small slip of paper, smiling gently. "You will get better, Bella. Give it time, okay? There's no miracle cures, unfortunately."

Bella sighed, "I hate time."

"Here is my card," Michelle said, passing a small rectangle to Bella, who pocketed it. "The 24 hour pager is there for emergencies. If you're having a very bad day or night, any time at all, page it. Myself or my partner in this practice, Jenny, will always get back to you promptly."

"Th-thanks."

Michelle nodded, "I'll see you next Monday at 4pm, Bella. Have the best week you can."

With a slight shudder, Bella slipped out of the office, clutching her prescription as if it were a talisman. To her happy surprise, Edward was already awaiting her, flipping absently through The Stranger, their favourite Seattle paper. Glancing up, his eyes met hers and immediately clouded over.

"Bella? What's wrong, baby?"

Bella shrugged, falling into Edward's arms as he rushed to embrace her, "It was just… hard…"

"I know," Edward sighed, "Mine, too. Home?"

Bella nodded, "Pharmacy first? I have to pick up something."

"Whatever you need," Edward replied, leading her out towards the exit. "Will you be alright?"

"If I have you. How was it?"

"He swears. He doesn't think much of Jones. I think we'll be alright. How was she?"

Bella debated her answer a moment, "I think she'll be alright. I just didn't expect her to ask… _things_… today. But, better than Jones."

"That's a start," Edward concurred, holding open the passenger door of the Volvo. "Your chariot, my lady."

Bella giggled, "You're pretty ridiculous sometimes, Cullen."

"I'm going to pretend that's transference or whatever the fucking Freudian term is, Bitchella," Edward joked. "And you secretly love it, so shut it."

"Prove it!"

Edward slid into the driver's side, turning the key in the ignition, "The Jane Austen on your bedside table in Forks that's falling apart, it's so worn. Enough said."

"Fuck you, Doucheward!" Bella shouted, struggling not to smile.

"In your dreams, Swan!" Edward grinned, signaling to pull out onto the road.

A beat.

"I love you, asshole," Bella cooed.

"And I love you, you insufferable shrew. Movie night?"

"It's a date."

Bella leaned forward, flipping stations until a familiar song flooded the car. With a grin, she turned it up, rubbing Edward's thigh.

"Oh, so now _you're_ bringing on the Kelly Clarkson, huh?" Edward teased.

"It's our fucking song, baby. Didn't you get the memo?"

"_I know that I've got issues,_

_But you're pretty messed up, too_

_Either way, I've found out_

_I'm nothing without you …"_

Edward snickered, "All indie cred lost. A tragedy. I think the funeral service has already begun on your precious Blip FM."

Bella slapped his arm hard, "Says the guy who secretly sings Backstreet Boys in the shower."

"_Being with you is so dysfunctional…"_

"Agree to mutual silence on our musical sins?"

With a soft smile, Bella leaned over, kissing his cheek, "My lips are sealed..."

* * *

_Note: Therapy sessions are based on actual therapists I've met/worked with in terms of style of therapy._

_Follow me on Twitter to find out when I'm updating, get teasers, and witness madness - casket4myfanfic._

_This story now has a playlist! You can listen here, and see why I've selected the tracks (up to date!):_

_casket4mytears[dot]wordpress__[dot]__com/2010/05/11/tattoos-like-mile-markers-breaking-down-the-playlist/_


	18. Chapter 18

_AN:_

_It's Bella's birthday! This will span two chapters, either side of a flashback. And over those three chapters, we'll be getting more pieces of the La Push puzzle..._

_Quick note: I was surprised that several people thought there was some evil plot involving Edward's therapist. Carlisle picked him! Who else did you figure Andy called to reassure that things would work out after the session? He technically can't call his dad for confidentiality reasons, hence the 'patient X' and vagueness. _

_Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight; I own the original plotline and characterizations for Tattoos Like Mile Markers._

* * *

It was Bella's least favourite day in the world, and she was trapped.

"Happy birthday, Bella!" Angela exclaimed, thrusting a tiny box in her direction. "Did you have a nice morning?"

"Shh!" Bella rolled her eyes, "I fucking hate my birthday, Ang. You all know this." With a glance at her newly christened station, Bella felt her body wilting. "Is that...? Ang, tell me that's not..."

"Hey, Bella!" Mike Newton chirped from behind her. "Like the banner and balloons? Ronan picked them out."

Bella edged closer, cringing at the silver foil banner with hot pink writing, framed by helium balloons featuring Dora the Explorer. _That stupid, stupid prick!__ He will pay so dearly for this!__ Itching powder in his jock, for starters..._ With a groan, she shoved the balloons to the floor, slamming her purse onto the station countertop with a thud. _And maybe, I can pop a can of tuna in his air conditioner in the truck.__ Emmett probably could tell me how;__ Edward says he knows cars..._ A chuckle from her left drew Bella's venomous gaze, and she sat Angela's present down with a little more force than necessary.

"You. Mick. Prick."

"Happy birthday, Ring My Bella! I know pink's your favourite colour," Ronan teased, winking.

"You are dead. Dead. You've really done it now," Bella muttered, reaching for her cell phone.

"Whatcha gonna do, call Cullen? You know I can take him in a fight."

Bella shook her head, thumbing the trackball, "Something far more useful is what I have in mind... Ah! Angela, Mike? I need your help with something."

Ronan watched in confusion as Bella strode angrily towards the front desk, "Um, Bella?"

Angela and Mike were at Bella's side immediately, and for once, Bella was grateful for Mike's puppy dog tendencies. He was a porn addicted waste of oxygen, all in all, but he had the biggest mouth in Washington State, and she definitely wanted this broadcast. With a sweet smile that wiped Ronan's off his face, Bella hit play on a stored video.

"So guys, what do you think of Ronan's self-pleasuring somersault attempts?" Bella asked as Mike burst out laughing at the screen. "Is he ready for the Porn Olympics? Because I have _never_ seen a guy come that close to self-fellatio before!"

"You bitch!" Ronan snarled. "How the hell did you get that? Only Emily and Seth knew-"

"That time you flirted with the inked waitress at the bar in Vegas? Emily began passing it around," Bella cooed. "Wow, Ronan! Did you just try and hook your ankle over your shoulder?"

Angela doubled over in laughter as Ronan snatched at Bella's phone, waving it over her head. Without hesitation, Bella sucker-punched him in the stomach, then stomped hard on his left foot. Ronan yowled in pain but somehow managed to keep a grip on the phone, blindly attempting to delete the video while avoiding Bella's assaults. Bella brandished the broom from the corner of the reception area, jerking the handle towards Ronan's kneecaps with a glower.

"It was just a banner and balloons! That was so out of line!" Ronan snapped.

"And you know how freaking much I hate my birthday, Mickey! I warned you last night, even!"

"I am _so_ returning your gift! And don't even think about me coming out with you this week."

Mike grinned at the pair, shaking his head, "Hey Ro, at least your wang's a respectable enough size to even try. This one guy in this video I found online, he-"

"Shut up, Mike!" Ronan growled.

"But he was seriously the _smallest_-"

"SHUT UP, MIKE!" Ronan and Bella chorused.

With a shrug, Mike returned to the front desk. "Whatever. You both love the Skinamax like I do."

Ronan glowered at Bella, who tapped the broom handle against her left palm, "Emily is so dead."

"Yeah, yeah, you're really over this time. Ro, just marry her. You're perfect for each other, and you'd better do it now, before she truly realizes what sort of juvenile bastard she's going to be stuck with," Bella retorted, her eyes narrowing as she again caught sight of the banner.

"Hey, Bella?"

"Shut up, Mike!" she and Ronan chorused.

With a sheepish grin, Mike sauntered up to the duo, carrying a small brown paper package, "I found this at the desk. Looks like an anonymous gift."

With a frown, Bella outstretched her palm, accepting the box from Mike, "Are you sure this isn't porn ordered for me by you, Mike? It wouldn't be the first time…" _Ugh, now that was an awkward moment!_

"Not I. Although I _did_ grab you a little something to spice up things with Cullen," Mike added, winking with a leer.

Bella ran her palm lightly over the flimsy brown paper, studying the 5 inch square box. _Did Edward bring me a present? Why didn't he stay? And I thought I ordered him not to buy me presents!_ With a shrug, Bella ran a finger underneath a taped flap, springing it loose and tugging a simple blue gift box out from within it.

"Edward?" Ronan asked.

"If he did, he's deader than you," Bella grumbled. "He promised."

"What did you get?" Angela asked eagerly, wandering over with her trademark green tea in hand. "Lemme see!"

"If it's porn, you have to loan it," Mike interjected.

"_Newton_, for the love of FUCK-"

"Exactly, Ro!"

"ENOUGH!" Bella shouted. "I'm opening it, and then, we shall pretend I never had a you-know-what today."

Removing the lid of the box and tossing it aside, Bella rocked back on her heels as she stared at the contents. _No_… She felt her cheeks grow cold as she continued to examine the item, her hand trembling. Distantly, she heard Angela speak, but the words were foreign, incoherent. _How…?_ Her stomach turning, Bella's hand seized the back of her station chair, steadying herself as the waves rolled over her, just as they had so long ago.

_"Bella, we really should just go back. Jake will be worried about you."_

_"Jake worries too fucking much," Bella grumbled, leaping onto a decaying tree trunk bridging the fledgling stream that emptied near La Push beach. "And quite frankly, everyone does. I'm fine. I'm always fine. Bella is just fine and dandy, the spitting fucking image of perfection." Her arms stretched out, she began to walk the trunk, her feet shuddering and stumbling. "Chief Swan's poor, sad little girl, isn't that right?"_

_"Your friends don't think of you that way," her companion replied, tossing her thick black hair over her left shoulder. "And you're not fine."_

_"You're fifteen. You have to understand that life brings pain. That's norm-whoops!" Bella giggled, slipping to the ground beside the trunk with a dull thud, her palms __slapping the rich green grass. "Now, come__ on! I want to do something wild__, something to feel alive!"_

A firm hand tugged the box from her, and Bella's eyes locked with Ronan's as he quietly replaced the lid. "Ro?" she whispered.

"I don't understand," Angela said quietly. "Is there something wrong with a dreamcatcher?"

_Her dreamcatcher_.

"It's personal," Ronan declared firmly. "C'mon Bella; breakfast on me."

Angela stepped aside, her diminutive frame even smaller as her back pressed against the flash-covered walls. Mike, ever confused, scrambled for the front desk as the reception phone began to shrilly call for attention. Ronan kept his hand flat against Bella's bare upper back as he guided her out to the front door and onto the sleepy streets of the Port Angeles morning. Bella shivered, her fingers caressing her pale shoulders, wishing she'd worn more than a flimsy black sequined tank top to work. But Edward had begged her to wear the top, remarking at how enjoyable he found its effects on her cleavage – and Bella couldn't tell him no.

"Cold?" Ronan asked gently.

"Kinda. Or scared. I don't know," Bella mumbled.

Ronan tugged the zipper down on his black hoodie, shrugging it off his arms and wrapping it around Bella, hugging her against him. Bella felt her heart skip and race, the image of the twisted gift frozen in her mind. _A dreamcatcher. No, not a dreamcatcher: her personal fucking dreamcatcher. What kind of mind thinks of these things?_ With an anguished groan, Bella stumbled over a curb, Ronan steadying her gait.

"I hate my birthday."

"I'm going to kill him," Ronan snarled.

"Who?"

"Jacob _fucking_ Black, Bella! What the hell was he thinking? _Was_ he thinking?"

Bella paused, earning a bitter glare from a mother attempting to navigate her stroller along the narrow sidewalk. "Jake… He wouldn't, Ronan. He-"

"It's Rachel's dreamcatcher, Bella! Who else would be able to wrap that up and deliver it? Who else would known exactly where to find you, and what day it was today?"

"Leah," Bella murmured. "Ronan, I kinda left out… Well, at the club two weeks ago, she and I…"

Ronan's face flushed crimson, "What did she do, Bella?"

"Sh-she was angry-"

"What did that _bitch_ do?"

"Ronan," Bella whimpered, "D-don't y-yell…"

Ronan's fists clenched and unclenched, his jaw clicking audibly as he leaned against a street lamp, chest heaving. His eyes pressed shut briefly, then opened, his hands releasing at his side. With a shrug, he smiled weakly.

"I'm sorry, Bella… Irish."

Bella giggled in spite of herself, "I never would have guessed. Coffee, please?"

Ronan nodded, "Coffee. And then, we talk."

* * *

"You need to tell Edward about Jacob."

Bella sputtered, reaching wildly for a napkin as her mouthful of latte spritzed the table between them. "Ronan, are you insane?"

"Bella, this could get very, _very_ nasty-"

"Jake would never hurt me… Not physically," Bella insisted.

"Jake is not stable, and whether or not it was he or Leah who left you that blatant message, there's no telling what he may do if he finds a way to locate Edward. Never mind what he might do to you!"

Bella shook her head furiously, "I can't tell Edward about Jake, Ro. Not now. Not ever. If he knew about _that_…"

Ronan frowned, reaching for Bella's hand and covering it with his own, "What are you afraid of?"

Bella bit her lip, clicking her piercing against the back of her lower teeth, "He'll leave me, of course. How could he not, if he knew what I'd done?"

"So you're going to build a relationship on lies? I may be a moron in love, but even I know that's a bad idea, Bella." Ronan chided gently. "No one is saying you should rush to phone him right now and tell him, but sooner or later – and I really believe it should be sooner – he needs to know about the guy and everything that's happened. Just as Leah needs to be laid out on her skinny Quileute ass-"

"Mick, drop it. She was just venting. Leah-"

"-Is deranged… Bella, Edward's done some things he feels awful about, too. He understands what fucking up is."

"Not like this," Bella sighed. "Not like me. This isn't something people get past, Ronan, no matter how much love there is."

"Bell-"

"Ronan, drop it! I mean it!"

Bella's eyes drifted to the large picture window beside her, eyeing the passing pedestrians as her fingertips drummed her cup. Ronan meant well, she knew, but he didn't understand that this wasn't a ruined white blouse in a load of red t-shirts or even a forgotten anniversary. She'd gotten another person killed, a beautiful young girl with a promising future and many who loved her. And for what? If she hadn't been behaving the way she had, Rachel never would have felt obligated to pursue her, to try and protect Bella. After losing so many people in his life to tragic circumstances, how could Edward possibly accept this, or her weak excuses?

No; she didn't dare speak of Jake and Rachel to Edward. She couldn't lose him.

A pair of teenagers passed outside, a petite blonde girl hand in hand with a lanky guy with a blue Mohawk, and Bella sighed, envious. It was obvious how enthralled they were with each other, but Bella knew painfully well that life and love were far more complex than most young teenagers could comprehend. Seemingly minor choices and actions could have consequences that lasted a lifetime. A woman who forgot to gas up until she had to stop at an isolated station on a darkened road might perish, the daughter who should have been with her to remind her to stop sooner then making ridiculous choices that would tear a family – for all intents and purposes, her extended family here in dreary Forks – irreparably apart. Bella drew the hoodie tighter around her, longing for Edward's touch.

"Bella?"

"Hmm?" Bella glanced up, finding Ronan standing over her.

"I have an appointment in twenty. Do you want to blow the day off?"

"No, no," Bella replied, rising slowly. "The distraction will do me good. I need to get it together before the party tonight."

"Ah, yes! Chez Cullen, yes? Emily ordered me to dress respectably," Ronan added, rolling his eyes. "I thought you didn't celebrate?"

"Alice is a force that cannot be tamed. Goddamn pixie!" Bella stepped out into the sun, squinting. "Edward talked her out of the house party for fifty, at least. It'll just be us Breaking Dawn slaves and the Cullens. And I have to wear a dress, so suck it up."

Ronan grinned, "I have a sudden urge to call you Barbie…"

"Remember the balloons, O'Leary, and what that got you," Bella cautioned.

"Fine! You're no fun."

_"Bella, stop! This is dangerous!"_

_"Jesus, can't I have fun? Isn't this what teenagers do? Have fun?"_

"No," Bella whispered, "Not anymore…"

"Hey… No sadness, miss," Ronan said, brushing a strand of hair from her ashen face. "I won't have my soul sister sulking on her special day, alright? You can even play Rihanna at your party."

Bella shook her head, half-exasperated, half-overwhelmed by Ronan's enduring support. "Thanks, Mickey. Now, back to work! The masses await your right hand. You didn't cramp it last night in front of the computer, did ya?"

"Well, those pictures Cullen shared were pretty spectacular… OW!" Ronan laughed, stumbling away from Bella's jab to his arm. "I was talking about him! I like his hair."

"Asshole! He's mine!"

"And you need your birthday beats!"

With a wicked grin, Ronan scooped Bella up, throwing her over his shoulder in a fireman carry. Bella kicked furiously and squealed as Ronan struggled to grab her ankles, all while maintaining a steady gait back to the shop. _It will be alright_, Bella thought, smiling when her foot connected with Ronan's shin. _It has to be_.

It was a shame then, that, unbeknownst to either of them, the woman standing now in the doorway of the café had other ideas…

* * *

_Uh-oh! Theories? our flashback chapter is next; take a guess at the flashback and POV._

_Note: __Follow me on Twitter to find out when I'm updating, get teasers, and witness madness - casket4myfanfic._

_This story now has a playlist! You can listen here, and see why I've selected the tracks (up to date!):_

_casket4mytears[dot]wordpress__[dot]__com/2010/05/11/tattoos-like-mile-markers-breaking-down-the-playlist/_


	19. Chapter 19

_AN: _

_Yes, it's true; I'm on a roll. Crazy, I know!_

_So don't kill me; I know we all want to know who the mystery woman was at the end of chapter 18. But to better enhance our understanding of events coming in chapters 20-23, you really need to see what Bella was like prior to the tragedy in La Push. _

_This chapter is a flashback, and it's more important than you might expect in certain ways. The next chapter kicks off at Bella's birthday party, hosted by our favourite Tinker-Hell, and by the time it wraps, mystery woman will be revealed. Promise!_

_As always, I own my original plotline and elements for Tattoos Like Mile Markers, SM owns all things Twilight, and I'm at casket4myfanfic on Twitter._

_**Reminder: Doucheward and Bitchella have a Twitter as well (and a ...) - ForkedUp would be where it's at. I have been poking them to post more often, so come play!**_

_I own nothing but my original plot ideas, which are expressly my property. Be good._

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

**_Memorial Day, _**_**May 28th, 2007 (28 months ago)**  
_

"Bells! Girl, where you been?"

Bella laughed as Sam Uley embraced her in a bear hug, her feet lifting off the ground, "I've been working, Sam. There's this thing called money, which the truck requires for its gas and insurance?"

"Bella works too bloody hard," Jacob Black grumbled, playfully smacking Bella on the ass. "But we finally got her to come to a beach bash! Want a drink, Bella?"

Bella nodded, shooting a raised eyebrow at Jacob's invasion of her ass privacy. "Anything in the way of vodka cooler?"

"On it. Keep an eye on her, Sam; I'm not sharing my best friend with anyone tonight."

Sam chuckled, shaking his head as Jacob strode quickly towards several large buckets of ice and bottles, his burgeoning muscles reflecting the flickering flames of the bonfire nearby. A set of speakers blared the latest Pink single, to which three blatantly underage teen girls were dancing enthusiastically on the sand. _Ah, parties... The human mating ritual, amplified._ With a shrug, she returned her gaze to Sam, who had been joined by Embry Call and her personal puppy dog, Seth Clearwater.

"Hi, Bella! I've missed you!" Seth declared loudly, shoving Embry as he snickered.

"I've missed everyone, Seth. Mrs. Newton has been working me to death lately, what with Mike having chicken pox and all."

"How did he not get them as a kid?" Embry asked. "Was he like that kid in the hamster ball bubble?"

"Well, he _is_ terribly behind in his development in _every way_," a familiar voice piped up behind Bella.

"Ronan!" Bella squealed, spinning to embrace him. "'Bout time you got here, asshole! Where's Em?"

"She's around, grabbing beers, I assume. God, this weather is amazing, isn't it? It's actually _warm_."

Bella smiled, winking. "It's almost a Phoenix winter's day."

Ronan rolled his eyes, shoving her gently in her right arm, "Yuck it up, Duckling. I'm just glad you're socializing for a change. All work and no play make Bella pathetic and sad."

"Oh shove a sock in it, Ronan!" Emily exclaimed, thrusting a Corona into her boyfriend's hand. "She's here, and that's what counts. Good to see you, Bella! How's your new accessory healing?"

Bella flushed, "It's g-good-"

"Accessory?" Seth asked. "What's that mean?"

"Thanks, Ro," Bella grumbled.

"Bella got pierced last month," Emily replied, oblivious to the frantic hand gestures of Ronan to cease and desist. "Angela is awesome."

"So, uh, what did you get pierced, Bella?" Sam inquired, winking. "Anything fun?"

"Fuck my life." _Sam, you will pay. A lot. Somehow._

"Show 'em, Bella!" Ronan teased.

"Show what?" Jacob asked, handing Bella a wine cooler. "Best I could do at the moment. There's vodka on the way, I'm told."

"This works. Thanks, Jake."

"Bella, where's your piercing?" Seth persisted, eyes wide.

_He's so perverted. I know where he just went!_ Bella groaned inwardly. "It's still kinda swollen-ish. It doesn't look good-"

"I thought you couldn't stand blood?" Jacob asked, his hand coming to rest on Bella's bare upper back. "How'd you pull it off?"

"Carefully... Alright, fine!"

And with a swig of her cooler, Bella stuck her tongue out at the pestering group.

Seth sputtered, spitting out his drink in surprise, while Embry gave her a look that reminded her of Newton's signature 'bought a new issue of Hustler' grin. Jacob's expression, however, was the one that caught her off-guard; it was a perplexing mix of amusement and... lust? _Jake's my friend. Bella, are you already out of your mind? _Reflecting on the now-empty bottle of wine stowed in her bedroom closet, she dismissed the question. _Yes, yes you are_. _Or maybe, not drunk enough?_ Waggling the barbell in her tongue playfully, her tongue retreated as her lips wrapped around the rim of her glass bottle, taking another drink.

"Wow! I didn't know you were thinking of doing that, Bells," Jacob commented quietly.

"It was something I needed to think about for a while," Bella replied. "And Angela is amazing. She's very comforting."

"I think you just made Seth's wet dreams hotter," Embry teased, dodging a fist from the seventeen year-old.

"Okay, enough with perving on Bella, or she'll never come hang out again!" Sam announced. "There's plenty of food at my place. Help yourself, everyone."

Relieved, Bella followed Ronan and Emily as they tracked across the cool sand towards Sam's modest home, just off the central stretch of La Push beach. Jacob flanked her, a beer in hand, his white wife beater and jean shorts a sharp contrast to the rich copper of his skin. Bella thanked herself for having the sense to wear flip flops instead of sneakers: there was no way she would be able to do the trademark dumping of the shoe while perched on one foot right now. Around them, the crowd chattered and ebbed, the younger La Push natives dancing and drinking while the adults wandered the beach, smoking and talking loudly.

"This reminds me of a place I went to when I was young with Renee," Bella mused quietly.

"What place was that?" Jacob asked gently.

"Mission Beach. It's one of the smaller beaches, a little north of San Diego, in California. We took a vacation there when I was younger. It was peaceful, the way the water rolled in and out. When I miss her lately, I drive out to the far end... You know the place I mean?"

"By the cliffs?"

"Yeah... Helps me think. Ronan showed it to me." Bella paused just before the fence of the Uley yard. "Hey, Jake... I'm sorry I've been bad company since I moved to Forks."

"Bells, you don't need to explain. You're hurting. We understand." Jacob paused, his eyes fixed upon hers. "Just... We want to help. And you don't let us in. Rachel's been worried sick."

Bella sighed, "I know, I know."

Rachel was Jacob's younger sister, Bella's junior by four years, but she was incredibly wise for her age. Rachel read many of the same books as Bella, and over literature, they'd bonded fast. As far as Bella was concerned, Rachel was her sister now, as well. Often, while Jacob worked on restoring the beat up Rabbit he'd purchased in Forks proper, Rachel would join them, studying for classes while tossing subtle verbal jabs lovingly in her brother's direction. _She's too young to worry over someone like me. She should be smiling. Living_.

"Anyway, you should come out more often and visit. I think she's reading Pride and Prejudice now in class. You girls can drool over stuffy British chick-lit men."

Bella chuckled, "Jealous, are we?"

Much to her surprise, Jacob leaned closer, his lips grazing her ear.

"_Very_."

Jacob moved past her, continuing into the house and greeting several unfamiliar residents of the reservation with a large grin. Bella remained frozen beneath the stars, her body trembling slightly in spite of the warmth of the evening. _What...? What's going on?_ Bella shook her head as if to clear it, the action disrupting her equilibrium. Her hand clutched the simple pine fence before her as the world spun, normally a pleasant state these days, but suddenly terrifying. _Jake is my friend. We've been friends since we made mud pies and 'chocolate' cakes in the rain as preschoolers during those summers with Charlie. He isn't... Is he?_

Bella frowned. Although she and Renee had discussed boys many times, Bella had no experience with dating, aside from one very nerdy boy in grade ten whom she'd dated only to have someone to speak to at lunch. Eric Yorkie was his name, and although he'd been very sweet, she'd felt nothing... sexual for him. Guys didn't notice Bella, with her simple brown waves and pale, bland features. _I'm reading this wrong. Jake's teasing me. Typical bastard!_ Laughing at herself and her foolish misunderstanding, she made her way into the house, bumping into a tall man with long, blonde hair and a strange leer.

"Sorry!"

"No apologies needed," the man replied, eyeing her. "I don't recall meeting you before."

"Bella," she muttered.

"James," he replied, winking. His eyes caught sight of someone behind her and his grin seemed even more sinister. "Quil! What can I do for you?"

A young Quileute boy joined them, hands thrust deeply in his pockets, "The usual. Pick me up?"

"Usual twenty per," James replied in a low voice, and Bella's lips formed a silent 'O' as she understood: _James deals_.

Quil made a playful punch at James, who nodded, catching his fist. Had Bella not seen this move in high school, she might have missed the exchange of the carefully folded twenty from boy to man. James plunged his hand into the right pocket of his cargo pants, withdrawing a Tic Tac box containing something distinctly not Tic Tac shaped.

"Mint?" James asked, holding it out to Quil.

Quil reached out, accepting the pill shaken onto his palm and thanking James. With a nervous glance around, he scampered off towards the beach, leaving Bella alone with this man who at once terrified her and titillated her.

"You seem curious, Bella," James purred. "Care to take a trip down the rabbit hole?"

"Um..."

Bella looked beyond James, noting Jacob had joined Ronan and Emily near a table loaded with various snack foods, the trio having a laugh over something. Inside her, a war raged.

_Why are you still here? You don't do drugs!_

_The alcohol doesn't work anymore, not like before... _

_You shouldn't drink so much. If Charlie knew..._

_It hurts less when drunk. And everyone is expecting me to be friendly and social and fun! Maybe just tonight, for their sake. Rachel's worried._

_And she'd worry more if she found out you even thought about this!_

"Bella? I do have to be going soon."

"I-I don't usually..." Bella stammered.

"Ah, I see." James licked his lips, taking a step forward. "I'm a firm believer in sharing and caring, and you, pretty one, seem to care too much." The box appeared, the tiny white tablets gleaming in the dark. "Mint? On the house?"

_No!_

_Fuck it!_

Her hand reached out, shaking as the tablet fell into her palm. Her fingers curled quickly around it as James nodded knowingly.

"If you care to meet again, ask Quil."

Bella turned slowly, watching the stranger slip into the dark fringes of the bonfire party, making his way towards the forested edge. If she strained her eyes, Bella could just make out the sheer white skirt on a statuesque woman in the distance, a flash of copper hair set against the deep emerald of the leaves. Anxiously, she stared at James' 'gift', paralyzed with indecision.

_You have no idea what's in this thing! Drop it!_

_But Quil comes to this guy, and he's never seemed... Fucked up badly._

_You aren't exactly best friends. What if it's a roofie?_

_Jake would take care of me, and so would Ronan. _

_Stupid-_

"Bella?" Ronan called out.

_Fuck it._ Bella tossed the tiny pill into her mouth, chasing it with the remains of her wine cooler. Inhaling deeply, then releasing, she turned to face Ronan, who eyed her curiously.

"Hey. I got distracted by the noise... Must have wandered away," Bella lied.

"Was that James?" Ronan asked.

"Who?" _Shit._

"The guy who walked past you just now," Ronan clarified, glaring out into the distance. "Guy's a skeeze."

"I didn't notice him."

Ronan wrapped a protective arm around her shoulders, "You feeling alright? I know how hard these things can be, sometimes."

Bella nodded, "Yeah. I mean, it's a little... Busy for me. But I love the weather, and the water. I think I might take a walk for a bit."

"I'm up for that," Jacob piped up. "If you don't mind, of course."

Bella fumbled with the hem of her black tank top as Jacob and Emily joined them, Jacob holding a vodka lemonade cooler out towards her. Accepting it with a smile, her heart racing with the knowledge of her secret, she forced herself to remain calm, willing her limbs to relax. _Be normal. Be happy._ Emily embraced Ronan, a soft giggle as her pale pink lips grazed his neck lovingly, and Bella felt a twinge of jealousy. _I will never find a love like that_.

"Sure, Jake. You two coming?"

Ronan and Jacob exchanged a strange look. "Nah. I have to catch up with Paul and Sam about those tattoos they wanted me to sketch out, and Leah's been looking for Emily, or so Seth told me just now. I'm pretty sure, considering how breathless he was, that he just jerked off in his room."

"Eww!" Bella squealed. "Ronan, you're filthy! He's a child!"

"And you're his fantasy, Bella, god knows why. Live with it," Ronan replied, laughing.

"I'm actually glad you can't come along now, you prick. Let me just hit the bathroom, and we'll get going, okay?"

"Sure, Bella. I'll be waiting here," Jake answered. "Before you go Ronan, I wanted to ask you about that engine..."

Bella concentrated on her gait as she cut through the small crowd near Sam's rear door, meandering along the halls, chugging her drink. _Can't calm down. Can't stay still. Too many people. _The bottle half empty, she asked a beautiful Quileute woman dressed in a pale blue sundress where the bathroom was, and was pleased to discover it was upstairs. _Privacy._ Making her way carefully up the stairs, acutely aware of how drunk she already was, Bella finished off her bottle, clinging to the empty glass as if it were a talisman. At the top of the staircase, she bumped into Seth, who held a freshly opened bottle of the same cooler.

"Hey, Bella! I think your piercing is awesome. I was kinda thinking of getting something done. An industrial, maybe? Ronan says it's a good starter."

"Um, thanks, Seth. Hey, should you really be drinking?" Bella asked, grinning.

"I'm not _that_ young!" Seth protested.

"I'm teasing, Seth!" Bella giggled. "But hey, can you do me a solid?" _This poor kid. I take advantage of his crush too often._

"Sure, Bella!"

"I'm on my way to the bathroom, but afterwards, I need to bail with Jake and take a walk. I really don't want to fight my way through the madhouse in the kitchen for another drink though, so would you mind-?"

"Not at all! Anything for you, Bella," Seth answered, beaming as they exchanged bottles. "Don't leave the party without coming to see me, okay? I never see you anymore." His pout was so childlike, Bella almost felt guilty for her deceit.

"Of course I will. See you in a bit!"

Bella's shoes slapped loudly on the wood floor as she entered the bathroom, locking the door quickly before sinking to the ground. She pressed the bottle to her forehead, the sheen of condensation soothing as she struggled to think. _I never should have come here. I'm not ready for people. Fuck! Okay Swan, get it together. _Bella sipped the cooler slowly, her mouth dry from the anxiety that plagued her nightly, pep talking herself into being normal. _Jake is easy. Take a walk, leave the crowd, get some air. It'll be fine. Jake understands my moods. I can take a break from cheery, come back, dance a little and leave. _

Bella forced herself to her feet, eyeing her flushed cheeks in the mirror as she gently sat the bottle aside to splash her face. Outside, the familiar beat of an Avril Lavigne song that shamelessly ripped off the old 'Hey, Mickey' tune was pulsing through La Push, the persistent drums echoing her own heart. _What the hell was in that pill? Ugh, I think it's making me anxious. I wonder if Jake has any pot._ Retouching her lip gloss, Bella sucked in a breath through her pursed lips, tousled her hair with her hand, then made her way back downstairs, out to where Jacob Black stood, chatting with a gorgeous, slender blonde wearing a skirt so short, Bella surmised it might actually be a tube top.

"... You really should call me sometime," the blonde purred. "I know this _great_ spot in Port Angeles to kick back. You know, privately?"

Jacob glanced up, a relieved smile greeting Bella as their eyes met. "Um, yeah, great. Lauren, I have to go. My girlfriend is back."

_His WHAT?_ Before Bella could protest, she caught Jacob's wink, and understood. _He wants her gone, for good._ Sauntering over, brazen with booze, Bella planted a kiss on Jacob's cheek as she hooked her arm through his.

"Baby! I missed you so much! Are we ready for that special plan of ours?" Bella asked, winking blatantly as her hand ran along his muscular chest. _Damn! Jake's been working out._

"Absolutely! Lauren, this is Bella, my beautiful girlfriend. We've known each other since we were toddlers."

The music took an amusing turn, and Bella struggled not laugh in the blonde intruder's face: _"She's like, so whatever! You could do so much better!"_

"Hi," Lauren spat out, "Nice to meet you. I guess I'll see you around?"

Lauren did not wait for a response, pivoting instead upon her foolishly inappropriate kitten heels and stomping off towards the sand, nearly face planting in the process. Bella snickered as the bitch departed, the desperation oozing off her the most entertaining part of the night, thus far.

"Thank you!" Jacob muttered. "That bitch doesn't know how to take a clue."

"Must be brain damage by peroxide. C'mon. Let's walk."

From the beach, Avril Lavigne sang: _"Any second you'll be wrapped around my finger! 'Cause I can, 'cause I can do it better!"_

Jacob led the way towards the shore, the music fading into a distant memory as they slowly meandered along the shore. The tide ebbed and flowed, cool water splashing Bella's toes as she ventured just onto the darkened damp sand. They walked in silence, Bella sipping Seth's cooler as the full moon cast brilliant shimmering pools upon the murky blue. A light breeze caressed her bare shoulders, and Bella felt them relax, although her heart continued to race. _Better. Quieter_. Jacob came without a drink, but didn't seem fazed by the absence. Bella, on the other hand, found alcohol to be her umbilical cord connection to the world of the sane these days. Even work was becoming a painful chore while sober.

"Thanks again, for the save," Jacob said, breaking the silence. "That girl's been trying to get into my pants for two years now. She doesn't grasp that I don't do cheap and slutty."

"You can't really blame her for trying. You have put on some serious muscle mass lately!"

"I figured I better, if I wanted Sam and Paul to stop shoving me off the cliffs," Jacob replied, absently reaching for a large stone on the shore.

"Wait, pushing you off of _cliffs_?" Bella gasped, fury rising within her.

"Calm down!" Jacob laughed. "We all go cliff diving regularly around here. You know those cliffs you like to chill by?" Bella nodded, and Jacob continued, "Well, we dive off of them into the water. They used to shove me before I was ready to jump, to spook me. They were careful about it, but still, flailing through the air is a pain in the ass. I took a cue and hit the bench."

"You'll have to show me sometime," Bella mused. "I could use a little strength in fighting off the Mick."

"Bells, you'd probably end up in the ER after dropping a free weight on your foot," Jacob laughed.

"Oh fuck you!" Bella shoved Jacob to the side, causing him to stumble. "I'm not _that_ bad."

"You are! You know, the easier thing to do would be to get some protection. A bodyguard."

"My very own Kevin Costner? You offering?"

Jacob smiled, kicking at the sand with the toe of his sneaker. "Maybe I am. We do go back a long way."

Bella remained silent, again sensing something... strange about Jacob's actions. _I'm really, really drunk. Everything seems so loaded with meaning right now. My head hurts._ Her eyes sought out the water, transfixed by the gentle waves crashing along the rocky shore curving ahead. It was a natural pendulum, keeping time, reminding her to breathe.

"Bella?"

"Hmm?"

"You know... I could get used to saying it."

Bella cocked her head to the side, confused. "Saying what?"

Swallowing hard, Jacob's reply was scarcely audible: "Calling you my girlfriend."

Bella stumbled backwards, the alcohol and mystery pill nearly dropping her to the ground. Jacob moved fast, his large hands gripping her wrists, steadying her on her feet. Her cheeks burned, both at her blatant coordination failure and the deepening conviction that she'd been slipped a hallucinogen. _He didn't say that. It's not... No._

"I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have sprung that on you."

"I... I don't think I heard you properly."

Jacob's hand found her cheek, cupping it gently, "You did. Bella, I really, truly care about you. I have for a while, now, even before you moved here for good. We just _fit_."

Bella frowned, swallowing hard, "This... No, I'm not really here. Jake, you're my friend. I could never lose that friendship, especially not now-"

"You won't, not ever. Bella, that's what makes us so great. I can be there for you, always. I'll keep you safe. I'll never expect you to be more than yourself, the woman you've grown to be. And if you don't feel that way, it's okay. I'll be your friend forever. Just... Can you consider... us?"

Bella blinked hard, her mind whirling with a million different trains of thought. It was quick, too quick. It was all so fast: the moon's rays even seemed to travel as if they were laser beams now. _Speed. I took speed_. Her body trembled as she weighed out Jacob's proposal, the distant murmur of the party akin to the thrumming of a hummingbird's wings.

_No one has ever wanted... me._

_That's no reason to date someone! And what if it goes badly?_

_But he said we'd always be friends. He said it!_

_This may be the only chance in life for me to have... love. And maybe it's not that crazy, swoony love that Em and Ro have, but Jake is safe. Jake will be nice to me._

"Bella? Please, say _something_-"

"Okay." It was a whisper, more so than a reply.

Jacob stepped closer, their noses nearly touching, "Was that-?"

"Okay. We can t-try..."

Jacob's smile was all the reassurance Bella needed that she'd made the right choice. _If I can't find happiness in this life, at least he will be happy. And if I can bring him that happiness, maybe it makes up for letting my mom down_. He leaned in, his lips brushing hers lightly, soft and warm. Bella's flesh tingled at his touch, gentle fingers tracing the length of her arms as he continued to lay claim to her lips with delicate kisses. Unconsciously, her hands found his waist, found their way beneath the white fabric, the heat of his flesh almost electric. The kissing grew more insistent, but still soft. Still loving - reverent, even.

_Yes. I can be this. For Jake, I will be the good girlfriend._

Pulling back slightly, Jacob grinned, "Happy Memorial Day, Bella Swan."

_Memories, indeed!_ "Happy Memorial Day... Boyfriend."

* * *

By chapter 25, everything - and I mean everything - will be revealed about La Push and Edward's fifth tattoo. Stay buckled in, click the review button, and let me know what you think now.

I've taken a slight liberty and made Bella turning 22 'today' in story time. FYI.

Writing is hard work, and the stories that matter to us deserve love. For a list of awards taking nominations, see below. There's a trend that each awards set gets flooded by the same small grouping of fics, so let's make a jambalaya of those waters, alright? ;)

www[dot]thetwilightawards[dot]com/search/label/Awards

_ Please review!_


	20. Chapter 20

_AN: _

_Alright, alright; it's time to confirm who the mystery lady was. It's also time for Bella to have her actual birthday party, yes?_

_As always, I own my original plotline and elements for Tattoos Like Mile Markers, SM owns all things Twilight, and I'm at casket4myfanfic on Twitter._

_**Reminder: Doucheward and Bitchella have a Twitter as well (and a ...) - ForkedUp would be where it's at. I have been poking them to post more often, so come play!**_

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

"Smile!"

"Alice, for the love of God, enough!" Bella grumbled through her teeth.

Alice pouted, the Swarovski barrettes in her hair glistening beneath the strung up star-shaped patio lights in the Cullen gazebo, "But you look amazing in that dress, Bella! Just one – Edward!" With a sheepish grin, Alice lowered her voice, "He hasn't been happy like this in years, Bella. A couple more with him, for me?"

Bella's frown faded away as Edward briskly approached, his crooked smile sending her heart into a tailspin. "Okay, Alice, but no more for a while, please?"

Alice bounced in her four-inch heels, Bella marveling at the petite girl's balance, "Yay! Edward, pictures! Now!"

With a bemused grin, Edward pulled Bella against him, his lips grazing her ear and sending a shiver down her spine. "Annoying, isn't she?"

"But we love her," Bella added between flashes, her hand finding Edward's rear pocket, sinking into the silky material of the slacks.

"Most days," Edward admitted quietly. "Tink! Come on! Bella still needs to cut her cake so I can ram it in her face!" At Bella's gasp, Edward winked, "And then lick it off of her, of course."

"Get a room!" Emmett shouted from across the gazebo, smacking Rosalie playfully on the ass. "Although frosting and flesh sounds divine…"

"Not in this dress!" Rosalie protested.

"Then I guess I better get you out of it," Emmett leered, seizing her around the waist.

Rosalie squealed, kicking her legs wildly in the air as he spun her around, ignoring her protests that her dress would rip, that her heels would break, or that she would (between laughing gasps) 'kill you deader than dead!' Alice finally slipped the camera back into her tiny purse, watching the lithe blonde and stocky footballer play wrestle across the way.

"She seems less…."

"Cunty?" Bella offered, grinning.

"Yeah," Alice agreed. "I think Emmett finally had that talk with her the other day."

Edward tilted his head slightly, poking Alice's bare arm, "Which talk?"

"The one where I had Jasper tell him that his future wife was a pariah and she needed to take a cue from him, or Bella, and be a human being? It seems to have worked. I try so hard to cut her slack, because Emm always says she gets anxious and defensive when she doesn't know people, but she's not just anxious, you know? She's a-"

"Raging bitch and the sole reason Midol remains in business, and is probably the illegitimate daughter of Christian Bale?" Bella interrupted.

"Bella! She's trying tonight. Besides, wine washes her sarcasm down easier," Alice winked.

"Then I need a glass," Bella declared. "Edward?"

"Your wish is my command, Cinder-Bitchella," Edward replied with a flourish.

"Bite me!" Bella laughed.

As Edward made his way to the refreshment table, where Angela and Ben stood chatting with Jasper, Bella heaved a sigh. _I'm __Alice__'s Barbie for life now_. Thankfully, Alice had acquiesced to Bella's pleas, selecting an icy blue silk dress that grazed her knees with an embroidered, almost floral trim, the scooped neckline and empire waist lending a gentle enhancement to her smallish bust line. It was simple, but beautiful, and the one inch wedge heels had yet to kill her. _But it's still early_, Bella worried. _ER, here I come! Maybe Dr. Cullen can treat me a third time, for shits and giggles_?

"Bella!" Emily squealed, rushing to embrace her from behind, "Happy you-know-what!"

Bella chuckled, laughing at Ronan's sheepish expression, "Thank you, Emily. Teach the Mick the proper greetings for next year, will ya?"

Emily giggled, running her hands over her silk sheath dress, "Oh, yes. I heard all about your feelings on his tidings. Well played, sister. Here's a 'nope, no occasion at all!' gift," she added, passing Bella a tiny gift bag.

"Thanks, Em," Bella smiled. "And I did overreact a little this morning, so I'm sorry, Ro."

"I should know better by now with you, Swan," Ronan said, shrugging and embracing her. "Where's Cullen?"

"Right here," Edward replied, returning with two glasses of Chardonnay. "'Bout time you guys got here! I expect you both fully wasted for the Rock Band shenanigans later. Help yourself to the ridiculous amount of alcohol my folks left us."

"Rock Band _what_?" Emily asked.

"It's Emmett's request," Bella explained. "Everyone wanted to contribute to the party a little piece of themselves. Alice modeled me after her Fashion Plate dreams-"

"Hey!" Alice squealed, feigning a pout a few feet away, as Jasper nuzzled her neck.

"-And I look nice, I admit. Jasper, the wannabe bartender, invented an amazing punch for me, which we had to stop drinking so you'd actually be able to try it. It's in the fridge inside, by the way. Emmett wanted us to sing and play Rock Band, because he says it's better than drunken karaoke on its own."

"I decorated the gazebo," Edward chimed in, gesturing to the celestial décor.

"Very nice!" Emily exclaimed, admiring the ceramic planets and star lights.

"And I baked the cake," a melodic voice chimed in softly, her stilettos clicking along the wood paneled floor. "I even kept it arsenic free," Rosalie chuckled weakly. "I hope it's okay. I haven't baked in a while…"

Bella smiled, humbled by the vivacious blonde's moment of insecurity, "I'm sure it's wonderful. Thank you."

"Where is this punch I hear of?" Ronan asked. "Em, you want?"

"Do I have a pulse?" Emily quipped.

"I'll show ya there," Jasper offered, leading Ronan towards the main house. "Rosalie, could you help bring the cake out?"

"Sure thing. Emm?"

Bella watched as the four of them ventured away, Rosalie's crimson strapless dress the picture of a debutante's cocktail party debut. _She's… different tonight. Maybe __Alice__ worked magic after all._ Emily leaned against Bella, flipping her blonde hair over her left shoulder, shaking her head.

"She makes me feel underdressed. Am I underdressed?"

"Not at all!" Bella exclaimed. "Your dress is so unique and artistic. I love it, Em."

The sleeveless silk sheath was plain in cut and neckline, the calf length number slinky but not overly so. But the brilliant abstract splashes of purple, blue and silver in the centre lent a walking canvass look to the garment, perfect for a woman who taught art at a community college. It was her personality and taste, and to Bella, individuality was what mattered.

"Definitely not underdressed!" Alice agreed. "It's so fun! Elie Tahari?"

"Um, yes…." Emily flushed.

"Tink studies fashion. Worships it, even," Edward explained.

"I like design. Nothing wrong with that!" Alice countered defensively, spinning around in her own dress. "What do you think?"

"I think I have to preemptively kick Jasper's ass for the pervy thoughts that dress is giving him," Edward grumbled.

"I concur," Bella said, swigging her wine. "But you're gorgeous, as always."

Alice's dress was a slinky number, with a fitted bodice with white and black "laser-cut satin", as Alice had cooed earlier, crinkled to conceal the padded cups that gave Alice legit cleavage. The midriff down to her knees was black, the look resembling a wound bandage – "so hip!" – that hugged every inch of her slight frame to advantage. Hell, it even gave her a small booty! _Yup, Jasper's going to devour her tonight_, Bella mused, smiling.

"It's so pretty. It must have cost a fortune," Emily mused.

"Nope! It was, like, two seventy-five! Score!"

Edward laughed as Bella blanched, "For Alice, that's cheap."

"Alice," Bella mumbled, "You didn't spend a lot on mine, did you?"

"Just a couple hundred! Ooh, Angela, come over and let me ogle your dress again!"

"A couple… hundred…" Bella's mind spun. She'd never spent more than one fifty on a garment in her life, and that was for her prom. Edward's lips pressed to her forehead, his hand cupping her ass, startling her back to life.

"Just be thankful. She loves you," he whispered softly. "As do I."

Angela and Ben joined them, Angela's cheeks blushed in the tell-tale sign she'd had more than a few rounds already. Bella fought the urge to snicker in anticipation; Angela was a very happy and silly drunk, and Bella and Ben often conspired to get her wasted whenever possible for their enjoyment.

"_Can we pur-tend that aero-planes in the night sky are like shootin' stars?_" Angela sang giddily with the speakers overhead, throwing her arms around Emily. "Emmy! Yer here!"

"Ben, you're the best," Bella giggled.

"We pre-drank in your honour, Bellarina," Ben replied, steadying Angela on her heels. "Babe, I think you need some water now. Okay?"

Angela snickered, "Skinny dipping! Now that's my idea of water! Bella, you gonna join me?"

"Yeah, Bella. Join her," Edward teased.

"Nope, no naked swimming, Ang. Let's feign knowing how to dance, shall we?" Bella insisted, seizing Angela's hand. "Alice, we need something a little more moshy-dancey."

"On it!"

Bella led Angela to the centre of the gazebo, where overhead, a genuine disco ball cast multicoloured hues upon the wood surface below their feet. Angela's long legs were hugged by the delicately flared cream and black embroidered dress she wore, her neck adorned with a simple lock and key necklace Ben had bought for her last birthday. Angela's eleven facial piercings glistened as she twirled and swayed to the music surrounding them, butchering the words horribly, much to Bella's delight. Hopefully it would distract from her own clumsy feet.

The music cut suddenly, and Angela groaned loudly, staggering into Bella, "Where'd it go-ooooo?"

"Two seconds!" Alice shouted. "A-ha!"

The familiar harmonies pulsing overhead earned an eye roll from Edward, who shrieked as Alice shoved him towards the floor, not taking no for an answer. Throwing his hands up in dismay, he pulled Emily with him, shaking his head.

"Everyone must suffer with me," he moaned.

"Oh, I love Journey!" Emily squealed.

"Traitor!" Edward grumbled as Alice began to sing at the top of her lungs.

"_Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. She took the __midnight__ train goin' anywhere…_"

"_Jus' a city boy, born 'n raised by South De-troy!_" Angela sang loudly, oblivious to Emily's cell phone filming her.

"_He took the __midnight__ train goin' anywhere!_" Alice sang, grabbing Bella's hands. "Girl, we're going to dance!"

"Fuck. My – AHHHH!"

Bella found herself swung in a circle by Alice, who packed surprising strength for one so small. Angela clapped her hands merrily, reaching out for Ben, whose two left feet obliged her by gently bouncing up and down while she wailed into Emily's cell as if it were a microphone. Edward soon found himself in the centre of a Bella-Alice circle, both girls prancing around him and singing, Bella mortified, Alice elated.

"Ed-waaaaaaard! Sing!" Alice pleaded.

Edward sighed, joining in only at Bella's pointed glance, "_Don't stop believin'! Hold on to that feeling!_"

"Oh thank God I'm late returning for this!" Jasper grimaced, approaching with Ronan beside him as Alice pranced around the dance floor, effortlessly whirling as she moved, poetry in motion.

"Glee. Fucking Glee," Ronan groaned. "Em just started watching it when she heard about the Madonna episode planned."

The music drew to a close, shifting into an old and familiar grunge track that brightened Edward and Bella considerably. With a smile, Bella turned to Alice, still slightly breathless from dancing.

"Alice, what's the music theme tonight? Nothing's really flowing by genre."

Alice grinned, accepting a new glass of punch from Jasper's outstretched hand. "They're all songs you've either mentioned liking or as having significance, _or_ they're from the soundtracks of your favourite movies."

Bella stared in wonder, "You went to that much trouble?"

"Of course! We're best friends now, remember?" With a skip in her step, Alice pulled Jasper into a dance, nuzzling against his chest.

For a moment, the world grew hazy, Bella overwhelmed by the alcohol and emotions flooding her. Two hands fell upon her bare shoulders, steadying her against the cool cotton of a hunter green dress shirt. With a soft sigh, she sunk into the familiar contours of Edward's chest, inhaling his scent. _Home. My home_.

"Shall we?" Edward suggested.

With Bella's nod, Edward led them in a slightly jaunty slow dance to the Soul Asylum track playing, singing odd lines with a playful wink, indicating their strange relevance to their own lives. A light breeze fluttered the hem of Bella's dress as she gazed up at the gently twinkling lights overhead, almost wanting to count them as if they were real stars.

"Happy Day of Mortal Arrival, Bella," Edward murmured against her hair.

"Thank you. And thank you for not getting a gift."

"Who said I didn't?" Edward asked mischievously. "I only promised not to _buy_ you a gift, Ms. Swan. The best things in life are free."

Bella groaned, swatting his arm gently, "I've given you my body, and you're offering me semantics."

"Wrong _Clerks_ flick. This song closes the second one," Edward deadpanned.

"Grr! You're lucky I love you!"

Edward's hand felt for her chin, tilting it upwards. His green eyes piercing and warm, he leaned in for a kiss.

"I know…"

* * *

The slender blonde drummed the countertop in the kitchen anxiously, counting to ten as she inhaled, then exhaled slowly. Across the room, the bald tattooed friend of Bella's and her fiancé were debating which fighter in the UFC had the best work, a topic Rosalie would love to join, were she not consumed with other troubles.

She wanted to be happy, and festive. She was trying extremely hard for Emmett's sake to ignore the skeptical glances from his family and just _be herself_ – "the Rosie I love so much," as he'd put it – but inside, she was torn. She had a secret, and it was slowly tearing away at her polished veneer.

_"Yes, it's done… No, Emm, I can drive it over. I have a special pan. Shit, one sec-" She paused, turning to the barista before her. "Grande Americano, extra hot." Tossing her hair back, she returned her attention to the voice on her Bluetooth. "Okay baby, I'll be there… I love you, too. 'Bye Emm."_

_The blonde lazily scanned the crowd, her garment bag in her left hand, her dress for Bella's party now properly fitted to accommodate her bustline. The coffee shop milled with business types, artsy types from the local shops and the lone young mother with a stroller in the rear, feeding bites of her muffin to a toddler. Sighing sadly, Rosalie waited for her coffee, her back to the child, his smile painful in light of days past. From her periphery, a familiar voice caught her attention._

_"I can't tell Edward about Jake, Ro. Not now. Not ever. If he knew about _that_…"_

_ "What are you afraid of?" A male voice asked._

_Rosalie subtly angled her body, watching a visibly upset Bella speaking with a man she vaguely recognized as an acquaintance of Edward's, "He'll leave me, of course. How could he not, if he knew what I'd done?"_

What the hell is she talking about? _Rosalie wondered silently. _Who the hell is Jacob?

_"So you're going to build a relationship on lies? I may be a moron in love, but even I know that's a bad idea, Bella," her friend admonished her, but kindly . "No one is saying you should rush to phone him right now and tell him, but sooner or later – and I really believe it should be sooner – he needs to know about the guy –"_

_"Grande Americano!" a barista shouted, breaking Rosalie's focus._

_"Thanks," she whispered, edging to a station just beyond their line of sight for her Splenda and cream. _I can't be hearing this right. They seem so in love, so nauseatingly in love. And Edward is so fragile, from what Emm says_…_

_"… Bella, Edward's done some things he feels awful about, too. He understands what fucking up is."_

_"Not like this," Bella sighed. "Not like me. This isn't something people get past, Ronan, no matter how much love there is."_

_"__Bell-__"_

_"Ronan, drop it! I mean it!"_

_Rosalie stirred her coffee and lidded it, heading backwards towards the bathrooms. There was no way to leave without risking being seen, and if that were so, she would be in a difficult spot. Would Bella realize she'd overheard her secret? Would she be angry? _

_And what the hell was she going to do with this information, now she had it?_

_Rosalie sighed deeply. Emmett loved Bella, almost like a sister. She couldn't even run her options past him, lest he think she was making up reasons to dislike the girl. But Rose knew what it was like to be betrayed deeply by someone loved, and Edward loved this girl beyond all reason. If someone had warned her about __Roy__, she probably wouldn't have listened. But a warning was better than the silence of the acquaintances surrounding that relationship, the unspeaking witnesses who allowed her to fall down a black hole, one from which she still couldn't fully escape._

_Rosalie watched as Bella and this 'Ronan' left the café, following at a guarded distance. Tonight was neither the time nor place for such things, but Rosalie understood what she would need to eventually do. Blinking her eyes against the garish sun, she watched the duo retreat._

_"I have to tell Edward she's cheating," Rosalie whispered sadly. "I have to break his heart, before she does."_

"Rosie?"

Rosalie glanced up at the loving eyes of her beloved, goofy man, feigning a smile for his sake. "Sorry, baby; wandered away for a moment. Time for cake?"

"Yup," Emmett replied, popping the 'p'. "Want me to carry it?"

"Actually, yeah; I'm afraid I'll trip again in these goddamn stilettos, and well, paper plates don't shatter," Rosalie chuckled.

"You okay?" he asked softly.

"Mmm-hmm. I just… I want them to give me a second chance. I don't mean to be so…"

"Cranky? I know, babe. They will, after tonight. You're doing great." Seizing the covered platter, Emmett gestured towards the back door. "Grab the door?"

"You just want to stare at my ass," Rosalie teased, gathering the plates and utensils.

"Always, babe. Always."

With a genuine smile, Rosalie followed the cobblestone pathway towards the gazebo, where most of the guests were dancing a strangely jaunty foxtrot to a lounge tune, only the lyrics were… violent? Emmett laughed heartily as they approached, placing the cake upon the table and pumping his fist.

"Fuck yeah! Disturbed gone lounge!"

"What movie is this from?" Jasper asked.

"Dawn of the Dead remake," Bella replied. "Only decent horror remake in years, if you ask me."

"I haven't seen this. Why haven't I seen this?" Emmett asked.

"Because you suck?" Alice teased.

"Oh, that's it!" Emmett chortled, seizing Alice from behind and throwing her over his shoulder. Her tiny feet kicked his chest to no avail as he made his way towards the pool, much to Alice's horror.

"This dress was ordered special! EMMETT, I WILL KILL YOU! KILL!"

Jasper ran after them, tugging at Alice's torso, "Seriously, bad idea bro. I once threw water on her Betsey somebody something or other and she _cried_."

"I better help," Edward grumbled, in hot pursuit as Rosalie stood at the foot of the gazebo, shaking her head as three men fought over a tiny pixie who, from his yelps, had decided to start biting her fiancé.

To her left, Rosalie noticed Bella's friend from the café, Ronan, arguing in hushed tones on his cell phone, tapping his foot. Edging slightly closer, she couldn't make out much of the conversation – but it was enough.

"…. Fuck you, Jacob! I…. No, that's…. Bella…. Just stay the hell away!"

Rosalie calmly strode towards the gazebo steps, having taken half of them before Ronan approached, seemingly oblivious to her intrusion. _Oh, this is not good at all. Not good._ With an awkward smile, she approached Bella and Angela, shaking her head.

"Men. Forever five years old in mental age."

"Dat's why they're fun," Angela giggled. "You can alllllways win 'gainst 'em."

"Ain't that the truth," Bella agreed. "Oh look; Jasper and Edward prevailed!"

Rosalie followed Bella's gaze, laughing as Emmett fell to the ground, narrowly avoiding a push towards the pool courtesy of Alice's beau. Edward and Alice skipped towards the gazebo together, sharing an unspoken declaration of victory as they rejoined their friends at the gazebo. Jasper followed closely behind, smirking.

"So close…." Jasper sighed. "Next time, when he's drunker, I will be triumphant."

"I have no doubt, baby," Alice cooed, kissing him deeply.

Overhead, the music shifted to an old, familiar song, Bella and Emily gasping in delight. Alice clapped excitedly, swaying in time.

"What movie-?"

"Donnie Darko, director's cut," Bella interrupted. "I love this song so damn much!"

"Then we'll have to dance to it," Edward announced, pulling Bella into an embrace at the centre of the floor.

Rosalie felt Emmett's arms wrap around her waist from behind and she sank into the strength of him, murmuring softly. "You failed in your mission?"

"Next time," Emmett grumbled. "Shall we join the masses?"

With a nod, Rosalie allowed Emmett to lead her onto the floor, where each couple had found a nook, bodies swaying rhythmically to the strings and keyboards, Michael Hutchence's voice crooning to each and every lady as if she were hers. Over the din, she could also hear Edward's voice, singing softly to Bella as she beamed.

"_Two worlds colliding, and they can never tear us apart…_"

Rosalie pressed her cheek against the cool fabric of Emmett's shirt, her stomach sinking like a stone. _That all depends on how much you're willing to forgive, Edward_, she thought sadly. _If only Bella would tell you herself_… Her eyes fell to the large diamond on her ring finger, and the commitment it represented overwhelmed her. _At least I know Emmett is true. He can't lie to save his life, even about eating the last cookie in the jar_.

The song drew to a close, prompting Alice to gesture for the crowd to gather around her. "Time for cake and presents!"

Bella flushed, bowing her head, "Alice, not so loud!"

"Oh hush! You'll _love_ it. Open mine first!" Alice demanded.

Bella gingerly accepted the large box, seemingly embarrassed to be receiving anything at all, let alone something of such a size. With Edward's help, she slowly began to tear away the paper, tendrils of blue ribbon cascading to the floor beneath it. It shimmered in the lights, tinted pink and green as the disco ball rotated overhead. The world continued to turn as well, just as constant, even though Rosalie's legs felt as if they were jelly.

"I love them together. Don't you?" Emmett whispered softly.

"I do," Rosalie replied softly.

With baited breath, she threaded her fingers through his, leaning against him as Bella held up the vintage dress she'd pulled from the box, Alice's camera capturing every moment. Her revelations would wait, but the effect would be the same: _this is going to kill _Edward.

She only hoped that Emmett would understand, and forgive her for speaking up.

* * *

_What's next? Take a guess!_

_What song makes you want to slow dance in romantic fashion, without hesitation?_

_Writing is hard work, and the stories that matter to us deserve love. For a list of awards taking nominations, see below. There's a trend that each awards set gets flooded by the same small grouping of fics, so let's make a jambalaya of those waters, alright? ;)_

_www[dot]thetwilightawards[dot]com/search/label/Awards_

_ Please review!_


	21. Chapter 21

_AN: _

_As always, I own my original plotline and elements for Tattoos Like Mile Markers, SM owns all things Twilight, and I'm at casket4myfanfic on Twitter._ _I sadly do not yet own a Thunder Rats t-shirt (see this link: www[dot]emilieautumn[dot]com/thunderrats[dot]html)_

_**Reminder: Doucheward and Bitchella have a Twitter as well (and a blip fm) - ForkedUp would be where it's at. I have been poking them to post more often, so come play!**_

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

"Bella?"

"What?" Bella snapped angrily, immediately bowing her head in guilt. "Sorry. I'm edgy."

Michelle nodded, "It's okay. Is the Clonazepam helping at all with the anxiety?"

Bella sighed. "Yes? I guess? It's hard to tell when things just keep getting shittier by the day."

Michelle contemplated this a moment, "What about the Wellbutrin? Have you noticed any improvements yet? Side effects?"

Wellbutrin XL was the drug Michelle had added to the mix two weeks prior, just after Bella's birthday. Thus far, nothing really seemed better, although it wasn't affecting her in any bad way, either. Carlisle had said it could take a few weeks, especially if they dose was still being adjusted, so she'd continued to pop the little white tablets each morning at Edward's behest.

"Nothing on both counts. I'm so fucking sick of this!" Bella groaned, kicking the ground with her sneaker. "After all of these years, we still haven't invented a goddamn mood enhancer that works in less than a month? It's bloody pathetic! I hate psychiatry. I hate the whole goddamn thing!"

By this point, Bella was nearly screaming, oblivious to Michelle's shifting backwards in her chair. A part of her knew, somewhere, that none of this was Michelle's fault, but it didn't matter anymore. Therapy just made her feel crappier, it seemed. It was as if each session was a sadistic killer's torture, tearing a new limb or organ asunder and displaying it for Bella to lament in her agony. And Bella was tired of her butchered parts, tired of blood on her hands.

_At least this fucking blood is mine_.

"We haven't cured cancer either, Bella," Michelle said softly. "But I agree; I wish it was far more precise than it all is. I hate seeing my clients suffer. Some of them go through three medications, weaning on and off, to find a solution. All I can do is give you support for the meantime."

"That's one fucking hour a week! What about the other, fuck, hundred and forty-something hours? I'm stuck with all this _shit_ in my brain, looping and looping until I can't see anything but a bloody razor in my mind. Look!" Bella shrieked, pushing up the sleeve of her t-shirt, revealing a long, angry scrape. "I did that with my goddamn _nails_, trying not to slice myself up. Isn't therapy supposed to make me feel better?"

Bella stormed over to the bookshelf in the corner, yanking a textbook from the top shelf. "Isn't this supposed to have answers? Something helpful? God fucking damn it all!" Dropping to the ground, Bella hugged her knees, tossing the book aside, silent tears streaming down her cheeks.

Kneeling beside her, Michelle softly spoke, "It always gets worse before it gets better. Anger is good, Bella. You have been hurt deeply and you _need_ to get very, very pissed off at how much pain you've had to endure and cope with."

"I don't want it to be worse," Bella whispered. "I can't take any more. I'm so tired..."

"What's hurting the most today, Bella? Give me some of the anger. I'll help carry it today."

Bella grimaced, staring at her shoes, "The demons won't stay in the past. Edward's going to find out."

"Has someone hurt you recently?"

"There was this thing... I guess I didn't realize that the wounds were still raw for them, too... I thought me going away was enough."

Michelle's hand reached out for her, strands of jet-black hair tumbling across her glasses, "Would you like to sit in the chair and tell me?"

Bella shook her head furiously, "I wanna stay here."

"Okay then," Michelle replied, moving to sit a few feet away, her legs crossed daintily. "Whose wounds are raw?"

"Jake's. Leah's too, I guess, considering how angry she was at the club... God, I hate that bitch! She's horrible to everyone; who's she to talk?"

"Which club was Leah at?"

Bella sighed, "We went to Paper Moon, in Port Angeles. It was supposed to be this celebration of me doing my first tattoo, that sort of deal. I didn't want a big deal, but it was nice to drink and blow off steam. Leah..." Bella shuddered slightly, remembering the enraged visage, "Leah blew her steam off at me in the bathroom."

"I know how angry you are with yourself for this situation that happened with Jacob. Having to handle a confrontation like that must have been difficult."

Bella nodded, choking back a sob, "I wish she'd just punched me and walked away. Because you know, I deserve that. Physical pain, I can take. Obviously," Bella snorted, fingers tracing a jagged scar along her left forearm. "But to hear her say what she said, it was like.. Fuck... Michelle, everything I fear they think of me is very true. They hate me. The whole tribe. And of course they hate me! Why wouldn't they? I cost them one of their own, all because of poor me, poor broken Bella and her stupid attention-getting angst!"

Michelle handed Bella a box of Kleenex from her desk, "Did you tell Edward what happened?"

"No! No, I can't tell him... I can't... And then the dreamcatcher? No, I can't..."

"A dreamcatcher?" Michelle eyed her questioningly. "I'm sorry, Bella; there's a dreamcatcher?"

Bella blew her nose loudly, crumpling the tissue and letting it fall in her lap. "Yeah. A birthday gift from Leah, I think. It belonged to Rachel. They left it in the shop. Ronan called Jake, even though I told him not to. It was so... _cruel_."

Michelle winced, "I couldn't agree more. That's very cruel, and unfair. Hurting you won't make them feel better or undo mistakes you've made. They sound very childish to me. Bella, you have to remember that whatever happened with Jacob, whoever Rachel is-"

"His sister. She was...Before..." Bella interrupted.

"Jacob's sister... Whatever happened Bella, you took a higher road. You're sorry. You avoid causing them more pain, as you've told me you never go to their area now, even when your father visits them. I'm very concerned though, that you're not talking to Edward about this. He should be supporting you during these extra stressors-"

"No! He'll... He..."

"He'll what, Bella?" Michelle asked. "If Edward knew you were being tormented by gifts meant to hurt you, and angry words, what would he do?"

Bella tugged at her long locks, yanking them over her now swollen face, "If he knew the story, he'd agree with Leah. He'd leave me too."

"What if we told him together, in my office? You can practice by telling me-"

"NO!" Bella screamed. "I can't, alright? Just... no..."

Michelle rose to her feet slowly, "Okay, Bella. We don't have to do anything you're not ready for."

Bella forced herself to inhale deeply, willing her head to stop spinning and her vision to clear. _She's only trying to help. She just doesn't see how bad I am. Like Edward doesn't see the real me. No one does. Except Jake and Leah. They see me. They know_.

"Will you be okay tonight?"

Bella shrugged wordlessly. Again, Michelle extended her hand to Bella, gesturing for her to get up off the ground. Reluctantly, Bella accepted, tugging her jeans back up her hips as she struggled to her feet. _She's lost weight_, Michelle noted mentally.

"Bella, will you be okay? I'm on call all night."

"Yeah. I'll be fine."

"I'm not very convinced," Michelle replied firmly. "Bella, if you can't talk to Edward, can I suggest someone else?"

"Like who?" Bella snapped.

"Your father?" Michelle asked gently. "He already knows what happened, aside from the recent altercation. Maybe he could give you perspective?"

"Maybe..." Bella's voice trailed away. "I'm in a bad mood. Sorry."

"I can take your bad moods, Bella. I've told you before to go ahead and get angry in here. This is your safe space to be uncensored. I think you need more of it, though. Would you be able to come twice a week instead for a while?"

Bella frowned, "I'm fine. I can handle it. You don't have to-"

"I want to. Would you come twice a week instead, until the medications are helping?"

Bella nodded, "Okay. Yeah. Maybe that would be good."

"How's day after next, same time?"

"Yeah, I can do that. I'll be here."

"Good." Michelle smiled reassuringly. "As shitty as it felt, you were very strong today. You let a lot out in this room. That's a good thing."

_It feels like hell_, Bella thought miserably. _I don't know how much more I can take_.

Making her way slowly to the parking lot, her truck parked in the farthest corner, Bella mulled over the session, Michelle's words ringing in her ears. _There's one thing I can do to get some answers_. Her hand trembled as she inserted the key into the door, throwing it open harshly and pulling herself up behind the wheel. _And I have time to do it_. Starting up her red monster, she brushed aside the last of her tears and pulled out onto the street, turning away from Edward's apartment, turning for the ramp towards Forks.

It was time to have a long overdue conversation.

* * *

Edward inhaled deeply as he stepped out into the rear gardens of the Cullen home, admiring the lilies that Alice had managed to tend to perfection. His mother's passion for flowers had passed along to the little pixie, along with her nurturing talents. It surprised Edward that Alice was willing to get her hands dirty, let alone her clothes, but life had a way of surprising him these days. A gentle breeze rustled the leafy trees forming a canopy near the gazebo Emmett and Carlisle had built, the creeping ivy thriving as it wound around the sturdy oak framework. _Beautiful_, Edward thought to himself. _Esme would love it_. The ivy had only just begun to take shape before her passing, the gazebo a newer addition to the endless expanse behind their home, the spoils of a buyer's market in a small town where most people moved out, not in.

Therapy had been hell today, and it was the echoing memory of the painful discussion that had sent Edward straight into the back of the home for refuge. He needed to pull himself together, in case Bella called him. She was due back in Forks tonight; her father had been growing suspicious of how often she was in Port Angeles, and Edward was beginning to fear for the safety of his scrotum. _I wonder if her session went okay. She seemed so stressed out last night_. Hopefully Michelle had been able to pull out of Bella what she'd steadfastly refused to discuss with him last night, much to his disappointment.

_Then again, who are you to talk? You haven't told her about Tanya, have you_?

Tanya had come up inadvertently with Andy this afternoon, Edward discussing his tattoos with the therapist and their meaning to him. He was trying to explain that he considered it perfectly healthy to commemorate painful losses with permanent art upon his fleshy canvass; it was no different than a photo on prominent display, or wearing a piece of jewelry from the lost loved one.

"Tanya's was the first," Edward had said. "Man, I got some weird looks for a buttercup and butterfly tattoo as a dude, but Ronan understood the meaning behind it-"

"Tanya? I don't believe you've mentioned her before," Andy had interrupted, leaning forward. "Who's Tanya?"

Edward had mumbled a quick explanation, insisting he couldn't talk about that yet. Because he truly couldn't go there. It was difficult to even see a picture of Tanya, even two and a half years after she left his world. A month ago, he'd stumbled onto a picture of the two of them while unpacking a box in his apartment, and had spent the rest of the day in a miserable funk, waiting for Bella to get off work while blaring Johnny Cash.

A door opened behind him, and Rosalie stepped out into the garden almost gingerly, as if she felt she was trespassing. Edward stifled his instinctive groan, returning his attention to the cobblestone pathway beneath his sneakered feet. _She's been better this week. Emmett asked you to give her a chance._ Her sandals clicked along the stone, halting a foot behind him as Rosalie coughed lightly.

"Hey. Edward," she said softly. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah," Edward replied hesitantly. "Long day, that's all."

They stood silently, for what felt like uneasy hours in a surreal world. _Since when does Rosalie give a shit about anyone aside from Emmett_? Edward could hear her shuffle her feet lightly, and he swallowed back an urge to snap at her, to demand she leave him to his ruminating.

"Edward?"

He turned at the sound of her soft, almost shy voice, puzzled to find a Rosalie who no longer radiated her usual self-assurance. Her white blouse and jeans were almost casual for her, which Edward found refreshing. _But why is she so anxious_? Edward wondered.

"What is it, Rosalie? Did you and Emmett fight again?"

Rosalie laughed nervously, "Not yet, but the night is young. I just wanted... Well, I'm sorry. You know, for being hard to like. We're going to be family soon, and I sort of... well..."

"Wanted to be less bitchy?" Edward quipped.

"I deserve that," Rosalie sighed. "I was actually thinking we could grab a coffee sometime. I work in Port Angeles right now, so we could meet on one of my work breaks, maybe?"

Edward paused, leaning back on his heels. "You're asking me to hang out?"

Rosalie nodded, running a hand through her wavy blonde hair, "Well, yeah. I was talking to Emm, and I thought I could get to know everyone slowly. Fresh starts and all that. Alice is taking me shopping tomorrow," she added.

"Good luck with that," Edward groaned. "Tink's gonna shop your feet off."

Rosalie chuckled, "Emm said the same thing! Alice's reply was that we'd be starting with shoes, so I could find comfortable ones. I'm frightened!"

"Alice means well. She's just an addict. I need to find a reality show to submit her to." Edward mused, pausing to consider Rosalie's offer. "You're serious about this hanging out and talking shit?"

"I'll even buy your coffee," Rosalie offered. "That's like, six dollars for your time. I'm generous." She grinned widely as Edward chuckled. "I swear I'm not always on PMS."

"Throw in a scone and you're on," Edward countered, winking.

Rosalie beamed, "Done deal! Give me a call next week when you're free for lunch. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I've dodged choosing the stupid utensil designs for my mother for long enough. I told Emmett to pick for me, but he's bloody hopeless for this stuff." Rosalie shook her head in exasperation, "He'd probably like Dixie cups and plastic spoons."

"Yup, sounds like him. Good luck with that," Edward replied.

Rosalie pivoted on her heel, making her way briskly back into the kitchen, the porch door slamming with a light _thud_ as she passed through. Running his fingers through his messy bronze hair, Edward stood motionless, stunned.

"Well. That was bloody well fucked up. Time to go skating in hell, methinks."

* * *

The drive to Forks had passed quickly, Bella's foot becoming lead as her frantic need for answers, for some sort of solace, even she didn't deserve any, urged her forward. She'd nearly missed her exit, cutting off some college jock in a Hummer, earning several angry blasts of its horn. She'd flipped him off in reply, almost begging him to run her off the road. Maybe then, she'd finally sleep - truly sleep, without nightmares. With every passing day, it grew harder to hide the terrors that stalked her in her sleep from Edward's watchful gaze. Under eye concealer could only do so much to combat years of weariness, and she knew that no one was buying her excuses anymore. Even Ronan had sent her home early twice now, urging her to get some rest.

_Failure. I'm such a fucking failure_!

She was dangerously close to that old line, the one dividing life and death, sane and insane. If she didn't have Edward, didn't have his beautiful smile and warm arms and sarcasm, it would be hard to resist pushing a toe across it. Just to test the waters. Just to know the option was there. Not even Charlie was enough to keep her from daydreaming of endless slumber, of _rest_.

Unwittingly, Jessica Stanley's troubled face entered her mind and Bella, stunned, nearly hit the brakes mid-intersection. Shaking it off, she flipped the indicator on and made her way towards her destination. The sun was setting now, a brilliant ruby red hue flooding the clouds overhead. At one point in her life, Bella would have paused to paint it, or snap photos. She would have laid in the sand at La Push, admiring the reflection along the crystal blue waters, in awe of nature and its little pleasures.

Not now. Maybe not ever again, if the damn pills didn't help soon.

_No. No more of that_.

Killing the engine, Bella was relieved to see that he was home. _Good. I need to do this now, before I lose my nerve entirely_. With a deep breath, Bella stepped out onto the driveway, kicking at the gravel absently before making her way up the steps to the porch. Her heart pounded and skipped, a staccato echo of her tentative steps, and she struggled to calm herself, to will her heart to steady, to not seize and give way. _Not yet_. Her hand trembling, she reached out for the knob, gingerly turning it. Unlocked.

"Okay, Bella; time to grow a pair."

Pushing the door open, she almost fell forward with the momentum, her hand catching against the wall of the foyer. With a muttered curse, she straightened herself up, coming face to face with the man she sought. His expression was one of confusion and displeasure, and Bella swallowed hard as she straightened her posture, her fingertips toying absently with the hem of her _Thunder Rats_ t-shirt.

Biting her lip, Bella sucked in a breath through her teeth, the faint whistle deafening in her pulsing head.

"We need to talk," she blurted out quickly, her gaze averting to the dusty floor. "About Rachel."

* * *

_So, how do you think this talk is going to go? _

_Who did she decide to talk to?_

_I'll do my best to give you answers soon!_

**In the meantime: there is a new awards site, and one of the cool things about it is that it is meant for people who haven't yet won. Spreading the love around and all that. Noms are closing Sunday September 5th, so you don't have much time. Mosey on over to this link:**

**thehiddenstarawards[dot[blogspot[dot]com/p/nominate[dot]html**

_ Please review!_


	22. Chapter 22

_AN: _

_What can I say? Unemployment agrees with my writing ;)_

_As I warned one of my Twitter followers, the next few chapters are going to be a rollercoaster. You may want to strap in and expect varying forms of tissue warnings and heartfails._

_SM owns Twilight; I own the intellectual property of Tattoos Like Mile Markers. I do not own a Tattward, but my fiance owns my heart and is inked and pierced, so I'm quite satisfied. LOL_

_**The song Bella is singing along with throughout this chapter is Empty by Metric, from their kick-ass album Live It Out. All lyrics copyrighted to the appropriate legal types etc.**_

_Listen here: youtube[dot]com/watch?v=UZDOa7_EV6Q_

_**Reminder: Doucheward and Bitchella have a Twitter as well (and a blip fm) - ForkedUp would be where it's at. I have been poking them to post more often, so come play!**_

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

"Rachel? Bells, what's wrong? You look like a mess," Charlie said quietly, "Did something happen with that Cullen kid?"

"No, of course not," Bella snapped. "I really wish you'd stop expecting the worst of him. He's been impossibly good to me."

"Huh. Well, then... Is it the pills you're taking? I don't know much about those things and how good or bad they are-"

Bella groaned, striking the foyer wall with her fist, "It's not about the meds! It's about me needing to know things."

Charlie's hand ruffled his thinning hair, his shoulders tightening in that familiar way Bella understood to be 'freaked out Dad mode.' "Shouldn't we talk about this sort of stuff with your therapist, in case you get too upset-"

"Charlie, stop dodging!" Bella interrupted angrily. "We need to talk about Rachel. _I _need to talk about Rachel. The only thing upsetting me is that you won't talk to me. I'm your daughter! Aren't you supposed to help me?"

Charlie winced and Bella immediately cursed her cruel tongue. _That was a low blow_, she admonished herself. A memory drifted to the forefront of the storm in her skull, one of Charlie at her bedside after the truck episode. He'd been sleeping in the chair beside her for two days when she'd woken up, pissed off to discover she was alive - that is, until she saw Charlie's face. The guilt he bore over 'not being helpful, not seeing the pain' had worn lines across his forehead, the circles beneath his eyes just a shade darker. _At least he tries_, Bella reminded herself. _He tries so hard_.

Softly, Bella rephrased her inquiry, "Charlie, I need to talk about it to let it go. And there are questions I have that only you can answer for me. Please, talk to me."

Gruffly, Charlie replied, "Alright, Bells. Alright."

Charlie swallowed hard, shuffling his feet as he meandered across the hallway into the living room. Thrusting his hands deep inside the pockets of his flannel coat, he leaned back against the pale blue living room walls, unable to meet Bella's gaze dead on as she perched on the arm of their well-worn sofa.

It terrified her.

"Dad, I have to know..." Bella's voice trailed off as she collected her haphazard thoughts, fighting to remain present, to not fracture and fall away into the crippling web of anxiety. "What happened with Rachel... I need to know how bad things are. In La Push, I mean."

Charlie's brow furrowed, "Bells, I don't see how this is helpful for you to heal-"

"Just fucking humor me, alright?" Bella demanded, kicking the couch with the back of her foot. "There are things... Well, I'm getting the impression that people are still extremely pissed at me. Of course they are; I look in the mirror each day and I see this face, this girl... who blew it. But I stay away, to make it a little better, but _is it_ any better?"

"It was just over a year ago, and Rachel was young. The community is still hurting, especially her family," Charlie replied softly. "Bella, you can't worry about what everyone else is saying and doing. You gotta get your head straight first, understand?"

Bella's lip quivered as she struggled not to cry. She knew all too well that Charlie couldn't cope when the dam broke and the waterworks began; outright displays of emotion were not his forté. _Stop it, Bella! Who do you think you are? What do _you_ have to cry about_?

"I'll take that as the affirmative. La Push is still looking for a pound of my flesh," Bella concluded, rising and crossing to the picture window beside her father.

"Bella, sweetheart, things take time. Getting over your mother took-"

"DON'T SPEAK OF HER!" Bella screamed, instinctively striking out as she swung in Charlie's direction, narrowly missing the flat screen TV. "Don't you bring her into this!"

"Bella-"

Charlie's hands reached for her, but she slapped them away, wrapping her own arms about her frame. In her periphery, a photo of herself as a small child, maybe five years old, sat on an antique end table. The smiling child enraged Bella. She was a reminder of what Bella never really was, and would never be again.

"Are they mean to you?" Bella asked quietly. "Because of me?"

Charlie shook his head, edging closer to his distraught daughter. "Nah, everyone is the same. Just, you know... Other than Seth, no one really asks after you."

"Like I don't exist," Bella mumbled. "I shouldn't exist."

Arms wrapped tightly around Bella, pulling her against a sturdy chest, a thundering echo within, "Don't you ever say that, Isabella Marie!"

His hand smoothed over her hair and Bella sobbed, knees trembling. "It's true. It should have been me, Dad. It should have been me, not Rachel. Not her..."

"It shouldn't have been either of you," Charlie insisted. "You both should have been at the Black house, talking about that Austen person and boys and-and girl things. You shouldn't have been under the influence-"

Bella's head rose, eyes blinking away tears as her palm fluttered against his chest, "So that's it, then? Why you won't talk about it?"

"What is?"

"You're disappointed in me. _Ashamed_ of me!" Bella pulled free of her father's embrace, stumbling back against the end table. Behind her, the picture fell with a thump.

"Bells, please calm down-"

But Bella already had her answer; it was there, in Charlie's blanched face and shifting eyes. _He blames me, too. He loves me, but every day, he blames me for Rachel's absence_. Bella's fists curled, fingernails pressing deep into her palms as she felt the earth begin to shake - or was it her? She could no longer tell.

"You're ashamed of me," Bella sobbed. "Just tell me the truth, Charlie, just tell me-"

"I love you, Bella; you know that-" Charlie began hesitantly.

"Just _tell me_!"

"Fine!" Charlie's eyes locked on Bella's, and she dug her nails tighter. "Bella, you were hurting, and I know that. But you were reckless, and destructive. I was always open for you to talk to Bella. I tried, Ronan tried, Jacob tried! But you chose to shut us out and with us, reason itself. You were raised better, and yes, under all of the fear and love for you, I feel let down, like the Quileute people. But I will _always_ have your side, Bella. I will always-"

"You will _always_ think of your daughter, deep down, as a killer. You treat me like a child, to pretend I didn't grow up and fuck everything into oblivion!" Bella seized the picture from the table beside her, thrusting it into her father's face. "I'm not this little girl anymore! I'm not the kid with scraped knees and books who you took for cobbler at the diner when mom shipped me out here in the summer!" With a frustrated wail, Bella hurled the picture against the wall, the glass shattering in a prismatic hailstorm in the rays of the setting sun.

"Bella-"

"That girl is dead, Charlie. She's dead, and she's never coming back, no matter how many doctors you send me to."

Weaving around the centre coffee table, Bella hurriedly pushed past her father, her heart pounding in her skull as she threw herself at the front door. She'd made it no further than the porch when a strong hand seized her by the wrist, jerking her back into the house that would never be a home.

"You're not going anywhere, young lady!"

"Let. Me. GO," Bella demanded, punching her father in the chest.

"Not like this! You need to sit down and breathe-"

"I don't need _you!_" Bella snapped. "I need to get away from your judging eyes. I judge myself enough."

They struggled, Bella praising herself for taking self-defense in her Phoenix high school as she wrangled her freedom, sprinting down the steps towards her truck. Yanking the door open, she slammed her shin into the door of the truck as she scrambled into the seat, jamming the lock button down as Charlie reached her side.

"I'm going out."

"Bella, you're not-"

"I'm going to Edward!" Bella shouted, jamming her key in the ignition. "I need to get away from here or I'll snap."

Charlie kicked the front tire as she revved the gas, stepping backwards, "Fine. But we're talking more when you come home."

_If I come home_, Bella thought miserably, swiping at her eyes as she backed out onto the street. With a sharp left at the next intersection, Bella turned on the stereo, the speakers flooding the cab with a soft, melancholy voice she knew well. She sang along at the top of her lungs, drumming the wheel.

"_When there's no way out, the only way out is to give in  
How I love to give in_..."

A stop sign brought her to a halt, Bella yielding to a minivan full of teenagers, laughing wildly at whatever clever thing one of them had manage to spit out to impress the masses. Bella watched with sadness, wishing she could be normal for Charlie, for Edward.

"_Ask the line on your face what the line on your hand meant  
We couldn't see what was coming_..."

Edward... _I can't go there. I can't run. I can't hide. _With a quick glance over her shoulder, Bella made a sharp U-turn, the truck shuddering in protest. The song exploded into fierce drums and guitars as Bella floored it, taking the turn-off for the main thoroughfare, the one that would carry her far from Forks, far from her father's disappointment and Edward's worry.

"_Shake your head; it's empty!_"

Empty. She would go where she would feel empty.

* * *

It was seven in the evening precisely when the knock sounded on his door.

With a sigh, he strode towards the sound, knowing that the only one he wanted to see right now would not be awaiting his permission to enter. Dinner had been a hopeless endeavor, ending with a half sandwich scraped into the trash and two beers gulped in succession. When he opened the door at last, grumbling beneath his breath, his heart stopped.

"Edward Cullen."

The bronze haired man, clad in a black t-shirt and jeans, shifted nervously on the porch. "Sorry to bother you, Chief Swan, but I was looking for Bella."

"Bella?" Charlie frowned, cocking his head. "What do you mean? She's with you! Or she was."

"This morning, yes, but I dropped her at therapy at three. She wasn't answering her phone, so I..." Edward's face clouded over as he took in the haggard appearance of Bella's father. "She's not here."

Charlie shook his head, "She left an hour ago, for your place - or so she said. Damn it!" Charlie punched the door frame. "Step inside, Edward; I need to make some calls."

With trepidation, Edward followed Charlie into the foyer, sidestepping several pairs of shoes and a tackle box. _No wonder Bella's always bruised; she's clumsy enough without growing up in an obstacle course_. As Charlie picked up the phone in the kitchen, a sick feeling washed over Edward as the gravity of the situation became apparent.

Bella had told Charlie she was going to see him.

Bella had not come to his house, and she wasn't answering her phone.

"Never should have let her leave," Charlie mumbled angrily, "Not like - John! It's Charlie. Have we had any action tonight?... Car accidents, anything hospital-bound..."

Edward swallowed hard. _Bella left in a bad state. Bella's disappeared_.

"Keep me posted," Charlie ordered the voice on the other end, slamming down the phone.

"Chief Swan? Does Bella have any particular places she likes to go to think? Places she used to go to, maybe still does?"

Charlie frowned, "Bella's always been... Since her mom, you know, she's been quiet. But maybe Ronan-"

"Of course!" Edward withdrew his cell from the pocket of his jeans, scrolling through the contacts and hitting 'send' for Ronan's cell phone. Tapping his foot anxiously, he listened as it rang once... twice... three times... Voicemail. _Fuck!_

"_Hey, this is Ronan. You know what to do, so do it_."

"Ronan, it's Edward. Bella's run off. I'm with the Chief right now. Call me ASAP."

Charlie Swan paced the small kitchen, scratching his head and mumbling incoherently to himself. Unsure of whether to leave him be or comfort him, he texted Alice instead, in case Bella made it to his home after all.

_Tink - 911. Bella's gone AWOL, said she was coming to me. Keep eye out? With Chief now_.

"I need to look for her," Charlie announced. "This is my own damn fault. Her damn truck could have broken down. Or she..." His voice trailed off, as if speaking the words would make any other possibility a reality.

Edward's phone vibrated in his hand, and he flipped it open, reading a text: _911 E. Her Twitter's looking bad. Find her! Angela? Ro? I'm 'ing her now._

"I could look for her, Chief," Edward offered. "You should stay here, in case she comes home. Keep her from leaving again until we can talk to her. Maybe you should call Michelle?"

"Who?"

"Her therapist?" Edward's phone burst into song, Snow Patrol's _Chasing Cars _his flavour of the month. Raising a finger to halt Charlie from speaking, Edward answered the phone.

"Bella?"

"No, Ronan. What the hell happened?" Ronan sounded frantic. "Did you two have a fight, Cullen? So help me, if you hurt her-"

"Hey, hey, calm the fuck down! I haven't seen her all day. She was here with the Chief an hour ago, and said she was coming to see me. She obviously didn't."

Ronan sighed, "Fuck it all. She wouldn't..."

"Wouldn't what?" Edward struggled to keep himself calm, for Bella's dad's sake.

"She's going to kill me, man." Ronan cursed under his breath as keys faintly jangled on the other end. "Okay, screw her hissy fit: did she tell you about a dreamcatcher, Edward?"

"A dreamcatcher? Dude, what are you on about, and what does this have to do with-"

"Rachel. Shit!" Charlie cursed, kicking a kitchen cabinet door so forcefully, the wood splintered around his boot.

"Rachel? Charlie?" Edward shook his head, "Ronan, I don't know anything about this dreamcatcher or whoever Rachel is; I just need to find Bella."

"You got your car?"

"Of course."

Ronan sighed, "You know the way to La Push beach? The one off the Quileute reservation?"

Edward paused, "Um, yeah... Jasper used to surf there. Ronan, what's this got to do with Bella?"

"Just meet me at the public entrance to the beach. Haul ass, man; I'm already near the rez tonight. We don't have much time."

The line went dead abruptly, Edward folding the phone closed slowly. His eyes met with Charlie's, their shared fear palpable. With a nod towards the door, Edward spoke.

"Ronan thinks he knows where she-"

"Hurry," Charlie whispered. "This is bad...Bad... I'll call Billy..."

Disoriented, Edward threw the door open, taking the porch steps two at a time and reaching the Volvo in record time. The engine ignited, Edward's tires squealed as he pulled out, heading towards Forks town limits well over the posted speed limit. Trees and houses flew by as he drove with a white-knuckle grip, haunted by Ronan's words:

"_We don't have much time_."

What could possibly be on a beach that would harm Bella? And why hadn't she come to him? Had therapy gone poorly today? And who the hell was Rachel, and why did Charlie say her name with such anguish?

"Bella, baby, where are you?"

* * *

She'd forgotten how peaceful watching the ebb and flow of the tide could be. How rich a shade of blue the waters of La Push were: it was an area untainted by factories and so-called progress, pristine perfection. Even the sand felt softer, warmer, as her palms drew figure eights beside her on the shore.

This was where the beach ended, where only the bolder Quileute boys ventured. Just beyond the curving ridge ahead lay a steep pathway that spiraled through the majestic Western Hemlocks and Firs, leveling out slightly as it approached the highest point of the reservation.

Bella pulled her knees to her chest as she remembered the last time she'd set foot on this land; there was a memorial service for Rachel, a Quileute tradition. Rachel being a direct descendant of a most powerful elder, special rites and prayers were to be undertaken. Bella had been privy to the last of these rituals when Seth and Leah Clearwater's father Harry, a friend of Charlie's, had passed away shortly after her move to Forks. Jacob's warm hands - the hands of a friend, back then - had gripped her shoulders, steadying her as the tears fell wildly. It had reminded her of her mother's funeral, salt in the gaping wound that nothing seemed to heal. She remembered how Seth had offered her a drink, the alcohol burning the hoarse flesh of her throat.

The tribe had refused her access to Rachel's service. _It is not right_, Sue Clearwater had stated calmly. _This is for family_. But Seth, Embry, Leah and Sam were there. Ronan had been invited.

It was Bella who was 'not right' for the service. And, as Leah declared viciously on the phone that evening, she was 'not right' for Jacob Black.

Bella returned her gaze to her phone, tapping the screen and restoring her Twitter account window. With nothing to do but sit and allow the fates to have their way with her, she'd begun tapping out messages - last words? Bella smirked at this notion, at how utterly clichéd that would be. _In the age of social media, we shall soon Facebook our Last Will and Testament and Tweet our little suicides to the masses. Drink up, little sheep,_ she thought wryly.

_A mind is a terrible thing. I ought to waste it._

_Ever have those moments where nothing seems real? Where everything seems disjointed, broken, shattered tea cups? Faith gone?_

Music. This called for music. But there was no music to be had. She'd have to sing it herself, and she'd blown her voice out on the drive, screaming along to Hole's _Violet_. Nature would be her music, then. Waves crashing and recoiling... A bird chirping distantly, the rustle of a small creature, perhaps a mouse... Bella closed her eyes, imagining a world where she could rewind, reset, remedy all her sins.

It was beautiful - a candy lie. Sticky sweet, it clung to her tongue, spun sugar webs.

Distantly, she heard voices, a low din of two, maybe three people. A part of her - the part that loved Edward - tapped her shoulder, suggesting it was time she leave, time to tuck safely into bed and dream of better tomorrows. But the Bella that sat here, shivering in the damp evening air, had other ideas.

This Bella was tired of hiding. "Come seek," she whispered. "Search and destroy..."

Absently, she flipped to her ForkedUp page, her eyes widening at the top comment:

_TinkerHellion: B, get your ASS over to our house now! E's worried sick and so am I! _

Fuck it all. They'd realized she was missing. She didn't have much time before _someone_ found her. But who would it be? It was a game of Russian Roulette now: pull the trigger, death or life, fight or flight.

A new reply had arrived, or so the screen blinked. Bella hit refresh, groaning at what she saw:

_InkedMidnite: Swan, if you are where I think you are..._

"And here comes the cavalry..." Bella mumbled, her voice trailing away as the pair meandering down the beach towards her sparked recognition.

Seth Clearwater and Quil Ateara.

The world fractured, trees and sand and water blurring seamlessly, watercolour and pastel smudges, innuendos of form. In her mind, Bella was back at the party, that fateful day she'd accepted Jacob into her life. The beginning of their end. In the air, she swore she detected the scent of fresh roasted corn and beer. Grimacing, Bella bowed her head to her knees, the vertigo overpowering her.

"_I'm so glad I'm an island now_..." Bella sang softly. "_I'm so glad I'm an island now_."

Voices, laughter. Oblivious, the two young men approached, shoving at each other, joking about women on the reservation. Snatches of conversation broke through the fog, words and phrases, and the water continued to rush forward, her body dry but her ears bleeding underwater. How could this be? How could you drown with your head held above?

"_Coughed out my heart in the last stall..._" Her voice was distorted, wavelengths crossing. Up was fast becoming down. _Somebody call Lewis Carroll; we've found a rabbit hole. Going down_?

"Hey, you okay?"

Seth. Of course Seth would care. Seth was innocent and sweet, loyal to a fault. She'd used that to her advantage a few times in the past, washing down the darkness lodged in her throat. It was the mass that was once her innocence, decaying and septic. _No sense in prolonging the inevitable_. Slowly, eyes rolling as the world continued to shift, Bella raised her head, hair tumbling across her eyes.

"Hi, Seth."

The vague figure to Seth's left stepped back, muttering something like 'Oh, fuck me!' under his breath as Seth leaned down, shaking his head.

"Bella? Oh my God, Bella, you can't be here. You _know_ you can't be here. If Jake sees you, or Leah-"

"And how is your delightful ice cunt of a sister?" Bella asked, her voice pure venom. "Thank her for my traumatic birthday gift and her kind words of advice the other week, won't you? Better, let her come; maybe she'll finish me off this time."

Seth was a blur, shifting away and towards her, his eyes the only discernible feature Bella could maintain focus upon. He whispered something to Quil, who edged further away, the copper of his skin fading into the encroaching night sky. She could feel Seth's breath on her chilled skin as he spoke, although his features were becoming a bad Dali piece in her scattered mind.

"I don't know what you're talking about with Leah, but I do know that a lot of people will literally birth a baby calf if you're found at La Push. I mean, that thing'll be mooing and everything. Bella, please, you gotta get going; Paul and Sam weren't far behind us."

"Let them come," Bella whispered. "Seth, don't waste your time on me. I'm done running. I can't escape what I live with, so why not embrace the guilt?"

"Seth!" Quil's voice sounded almost feminine, and Bella giggled in spite of herself, tugging absently on her hair.

"Jesus, Bella, come _on_!"

She was yanked halfway to her feet before she collapsed, dead weight in Seth's grasp. Again, he reached for her; again, she recoiled and fell limp. _Ronan's supposedly coming; let's see who gets here first? Step right up and choose your knight_! Nothing made much sense anymore; it was as if her mouth and mind had severed their ties, her body no longer seeking her permission for its antics. Quil edged closer, tapping Seth on the arm, urging him away. _Run, run! The town pariah is contagious_!

"Fuck, it's Sam," Quil muttered. "Here comes Sam and Paul."

"By my heel, I care not!" Bella declared, quoting Shakespeare. For what better text was there to quote from in times like these than the text of the Bard?

As two more figures approached, Bella swore she heard an actual growl - full-out, dog defending its bone growl. Shuddering slightly, her eyelids heavy, she dropped her head into her lap anew, singing quietly to herself.

"_Coughed out my heart in the last stall. Now that the damage is done, I don't miss it at all_..."

Thunder crashed. A sonic boom shook the forest. Or so it seemed to Bella as Sam Uley ground to a halt three feet away, his eyes fixed on the brunette holding herself together. Her world gave way as she fell prone to her back, stunned and only later aware that it was the Quileute who had thrown her onto her back, revealing her face.

_The face of a killer_. Guilty.

"What," Sam snarled, "are you doing on our land, Isabella Swan?"

And everything faded mercifully to black.

* * *

**_You'd be surprised how much of the La Push backstory has been leeching into the last dozen or so chapters in fragments... Even if you haven't pieced it together, fear not; Bella's going to tell the story in just a couple chapters via flashback._**

**_What she tells Edward and when - and what the La Push pack is going to do to her for stepping onto their beach - is a mystery until the next chapter! So review, and tell me what you think is coming. We're so close to 800 reviews; let's push this baby over the hump!_**

**_For fun: what's the deal with Tanya? Edward hasn't given us much, but take some wild guesses!_**

**_Last, follow me on Twitter if you like: casket4myfanfic_**


	23. Chapter 23

_AN: _

_Alright, I'm a bitch for leaving off where I did last time, but I didn't make you wait very long, now did I? Shall we find out what Sam's done? Will Edward and Ronan reach Bella before it gets worse?_

_Read on, my dear readers..._

_As always, SM owns all things Twilight; I own the original content of Tattoos Like Mile Markers and a laser pointer that thankfully sways our kitten from kicking the asses of my more senior kitties. Muse owns the lyrics to the song Sing For Absolution, this chapter's track and the song on Edward's stereo..._

_**Reminder: Doucheward and Bitchella have a Twitter as well (and a blip fm) - ForkedUp would be where it's at. I have been poking them to post more often, so come play!**_

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

"This way, Edward!"

"It's a fucking train wreck of trees, Ro-"

"Shortcut! We've got to cut those guys off. They were heading out to cliff dive when I was packing up my gear at Embry's place. If they find her first-"

Edward followed Ronan's lead, the sun a blueberry stain in the sky as it began to descend in the west. The stocky, muscular man covered in ink, his face screwed tightly in anger, looked more the part of the attacker than a hopeful rescuer, but Edward reasoned that Ronan's presence would be advantageous in the current dire straits he'd had only vaguely sketched out. Edward's sneakers slapped through the damp soil and crisp leaves, splattering the legs of his faded jeans as they wove along a thin, scarcely defined pathway just beyond the white sands of La Push's shore.

"Ronan, you have to tell me more about what the fuck is going on," Edward called out. "Why are they so angry with Bella?"

"It's not my place, bro. Don't fucking ask me to break her trust anymore than I already have by bringing you with me," Ronan snapped. "If she hasn't told you, then someone's gotta keep her talking until she does."

"That's horseshit, Ronan! You're acting like if we don't get there in time, Bella's in danger. Start talking!"

Edward shoved Ronan's shoulder, sending him stumbling forward into a tree. Spinning furiously, Ronan seized Edward by the collar of his jacket, slamming him against a towering trunk, his eyes wild.

"We _don't have time for this_, Edward. All you need to know is that this beach is full of people who want Bella to suffer. The reasons don't matter right now. All that matters is getting Bella the fuck away from this reservation."

"Fuck you," Edward snarled.

"No, _fuck you_! You have no idea what you're asking me to tell you." Ronan released Edward's collar, stepping backwards. "If you ever touch me again, I won't hesitate to break your jaw. Now, come _on_!"

Stifling his rage, Edward kept pace with Ronan, skipping over unearthed tentacle roots and stones, dodging in and out of the deeper forest. The sound of the tide rolling in and out grew louder as Ronan veered left, edging closer to the water. Distantly, Edward could hear frantic voices, their words garbled and scattered by the thumping of their feet.

"Shit!" Ronan cursed. "We're too late."

"What do you mean-?"

"Quiet!" Ronan picked up his pace, his words breathless, "C'mon, be Seth, be Seth…"

The din grew louder, at least two distinct male voices now that Edward could pick apart. There was a shuffling, a running of feet, and a faint melody, hummed or sang – he couldn't be sure of which. Ronan pushed sharply to their left, spilling them out onto the shoreline, where Edward finally understood what Ronan had feared: a large, brawny male, his skin the rich tan of the Quileutes, lunged at Bella, throwing her back into the sand, her head lolling as he became enraged.

"What are you doing on our land, Bella Swan?"

Ronan threw an arm back, clotheslining Edward, who'd instinctively begun to charge. Two of the other boys grabbed at the assailant, tugging him back from Bella's prone form, while the third shouted angrily at them for their interference.

"How long has she been here, Seth?"

"I don't know! But you fucking _hit her, Sam! _You never hit a woman!" Seth responded, body checking this 'Sam' backwards, his feet stumbling into the water.

"Get to Bella," Ronan whispered, turning angrily to the arguing men. "Sam! Paul!" Ronan called out. "Knock it the fuck off!"

The four males pivoted, Ronan and Edward three feet away now, the assailant 'Sam' and his equally burly friend glaring at Ronan. Bella remained motionless upon the sand, her chest rising slightly and falling, and it was to her that Edward ran, immediately checking her vital signs, caressing her cheek.

"Bella, honey, get up," Edward murmured.

"Ronan, stay out of this, for the sake of your friendships here," Sam cautioned.

"Like hell, Sam! You _hit_ my best friend! What gives you the goddamn right?"

Edward watched as Ronan met Sam eye to eye, his chest pressed against the Quileute's. The sheer fury in the man's eyes was enough to send a shiver down Edward's spine. _If we'd been a moment later_… Bella murmured in her unconscious state, her pulse rapid and shallow, face ashen and tear-stained. _Panic attack_, Edward guessed, cradling her limp form against his chest, memorizing the features of the man who'd struck her. _I will fucking hurt you like you cannot even imagine_, Edward vowed silently. The one called Seth joined Edward, his face a knot of anxiety as he stared at Bella's face.

"Is she okay?" he asked quietly.

"She fucking better be," Edward snarled.

"I tried to get her to leave-" Seth began, interrupted by the sudden shouting of the other men.

"She knows better than to be here!" Sam argued, incensed.

"How do you know she knows better anymore?" Ronan countered, his face flushed. "She's sick, Sam. She loses track of thoughts, of her emotions, all the goddamn time! She's stayed away this long, hasn't she?"

"At least she's _alive_," Paul spat out. "She has _her_ life!"

"Guys, calm down," the fourth male urged, looking to Seth for support.

"Shut the hell up, Quil!" Sam snapped. "This is a matter of what is best for the tribe, not who got your rocks off in your teens!"

"That was Seth, you shit!" Quil retorted.

"And is torturing Bella and threatening her part of what's 'best for the tribe', Sam?" Ronan demanded, his body shaking.

"I have no idea what the hell you're on about, O'Leary."

"Edward?"

Edward's attention was quickly drawn back to Bella's weary face, exhaling a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding in a whoosh as she blinked, brow furrowing in the familiar way it did whenever she was roused from slumber. He pressed his lips to her forehead, forcing a reassuring smile.

"Are you hurt?"

"Uh-uh… How…?" Bella's eyes focused on the fray nearby, her pupils widening. "Oh, fuck…"

"…If that bitch so much as breathes in her direction away from this place, I'll press the charges _for her_!" Ronan screamed, shoving at Paul as he approached from his left. "Nice try, bastard! You know bloody well how I grew up, yeah?"

Paul threw a shove in retaliation, "You're crossing a line, O'Leary…"

"Your people already crossed it!"

"Stop it," Bella moaned, struggling in Edward's grip to push to her feet, "STOP IT!"

Five sets of eyes locked upon the unsteady, slight female five feet away. She ran her fingers slowly through her tangled hair, Edward's hands reaching out to steady her as she stumbled forward then froze, as if relearning to walk. Her assailant, Sam, shook his head in disgust, lurching forward in a threatening manner.

"Who in the _hell_ do you think you are? Coming here, after all you've done-"

Bella shook her head wordlessly, "I… I don't-"

"Of course you don't! You don't take responsibility, you don't tell the truth-"

"Back off, Sam!" Ronan growled, pushing between Sam and Bella as Edward helped her move backwards, fighting every instinct that drove him to want to break every bone in this Sam person's body.

"-And you certainly have no respect for life!"

"That's enough," Edward growled as Bella cowered, her hand gripping a nearby tree.

"Who asked you to speak, boy?" Sam growled. "You know nothing of what she has cost our people-"

"And you know nothing of her heart, nor what I am capable of," Edward warned, seething.

Ronan winced, "Edward, calm down. Sam, we're going-"

"Oh yeah? And what are you capable of?"

Sam edged closer, the ones named Quil and Seth running interference with Paul as Ronan struggled to remain between Edward and the one man he believed he might be able to kill with his bare hands. _No one fucks with Bella_. With a feigned half-step back, Edward sprung past Ronan, both hands seeking Sam's throat. The men struggled, Edward driving Sam to one knee briefly before he shoved Edward onto his back, driving a knee into his ribs.

"What was that?" Sam taunted.

"I'm capable of ripping your fucking arms off and shoving them down your throat if you so much as think of my girlfriend," Edward snarled, landing a surprise right hook that sent Sam flying into the surf.

"Edward, stop!" Bella pleaded.

Ronan pulled him back, his legs kicking out for his knees and failing, the fury inside of him growing. Sam rose, chest heaving as rivulets of water ran down his flesh, particles of sand clinging to his legs.

"You think you could kill me, _boy_?" Sam asked pointedly.

"I _know_ I could," Edward growled, twisting himself free of Ronan's tight grip but pausing, his concern for Bella beckoning him to withdraw for now – for her sake.

"Another one looking to bring death to the tribe. You know how to pick them, don't you, Swan?" Sam asked quietly, smiling sadistically.

"Sam, _enough_!" Ronan screamed as Bella began to sob. "Edward, take her home, now!"

Edward reached for Bella's hand, clenching it tightly as he backed away slowly, reluctantly, his limbs aching for a fight. She gasped and wept, stumbling beside him as he pulled her into the cover of the tree line, retracing his and Ronan's path by footprint trail, Edward hoping they would not become Hansel and Gretel of the mentally disturbed.

"Are you okay?" Edward asked, struggling to modulate his voice from furious roar to something more soothing.

"No," Bella confessed, her free hand swiping at her swollen eyes. "Edward, I'm sorry-"

"No apologies now, Bella. Just don't ever scare me like that again, alright?" Edward mumbled. "I should go back and rip that asshole apart."

"NO! No, you can't!" Bella wailed. "I deserve everything-"

Edward froze, spinning to face the woman he loved more than music, more than life itself. Her shoulders hunched, her body cowering reflexively as he pulled her against his chest, his arms winding around her shoulders and waist. She was so delicate, fragile, a porcelain doll in his bullish grasp.

"Bella Swan, you listen to me very clearly: no woman _ever_ deserves the treatment that _Sam_," Edward paused, the name itself leaving a nasty taste in his mouth, "That bastard gave you. And I _will_ kill him if he ever touches you again. Do you love me?"

"Of c-course," Bella stammered against his chest, her warm breath wafting through the flimsy cotton of his t-shirt.

"Then you need to stop hiding from me. I've had Charlie and Ronan and now these idiots babbling shit at me about this beach and a girl and a dreamcatcher-" Edward broke off as Bella gasped, shuddering in his embrace. "I don't need to know everything, but I won't stand by and let you endanger yourself. You're my life."

"I-I c-can't… No, not now, please…" Bella was begging as if her survival were at stake, her hands fisting in his shirt, pulling him closer.

"Later, baby. Let's just go-"

"Edward? Bella?"

The pair glanced back in unison as Ronan sprung into view, panting as he ran through the trees towards him. Bella buried her face against Edward's chest, and he could understand why: Ronan's look could kill a small army.

"Ronan…" Edward cautioned him.

"Bella, I just ended a five year friendship with Sam Uley," Ronan began briskly.

"Ro," Bella sniffled, "I didn't want-"

"You never _want_ this, but this is what we always come back to." Ronan sighed, kicking the earth. "Hitting you sealed it for me anyway, but after my defense of your little game of Quileute Roulette, he wasn't planning on welcoming me again in the future, no matter what."

"Take it easy on her," Edward insisted. "Now's not the time-"

"Now's not the time? When _is_ the time?" With an exasperated huff, Ronan pushed past them, shaking his head. "Bella, I love you, and you know it, but what you did today was perhaps even stupider than the last time you wreaked havoc on this land, and that's saying something. _You know it_. And he," Ronan added, turning back over his shoulder, "deserves to know why he just started a war with a guy who could bench press his ass."

Bella peeked up from Edward's chest, her voice frail, "Ronan, please, don't-"

"Make sure she calls Charlie if she doesn't go home," Ronan added absently. "I'll call you, Bella."

And with that, Ronan ran off into the twilight, leaving Edward holding Bella up as they walked, correcting the stumbling gait of her clumsy feet as he slowly led her to his car. He'd parked in the small lot afforded the tourists and visitors to the main beach, noting upon his arrival that Bella's truck was conspicuously absent. As they now emerged from the shadows and sheltering leaves, he again looked for her vehicle, puzzled.

"Your truck isn't here," he remarked.

"No," Bella whispered. "It's behind the bait shop half a mile away. For obvious reasons," she added, biting her lower lip.

Pulling her to the passenger side of the Volvo, Edward unlocked the door, opening it roughly. "Get in the car."

"M-my truck-"

"We'll get it tomorrow," Edward stated firmly.

Bella frowned and obliged reluctantly, her eyes averted. With a frustrated grunt, Edward stormed around to the driver's side, sliding into the seat and jamming the key in the ignition with far more force than necessary. It was welling to the surface, now that Bella was no longer in immediate danger, how betrayed and… _angry_ he was with her actions. _Who the hell is this Rachel girl? Why is there some dreamcatcher that sends everyone into a tailspin? And what the fuck did Sam mean by Bella bringing them death?_ Music flooded the car at high volume as Edward swung wildly out onto the road, merging for the main state road that would carry them back to Forks proper. He drummed the steering wheel, biting his tongue as question after question ran through his troubled mind.

"_Tiptoe to your room  
a starlight in the gloom  
I only dream of you  
and you never knew_

Sing for absolution  
I will be singing  
And falling from your grace…"

"Edward?"

Her voice – beautiful, even now – broke through the walls he'd hastily constructed around himself, seeking in vain to protect them both from the tempest within his head. Keeping his gaze locked upon the road, he nudged the music down enough to hear her clearly.

"Yeah?"

"Talk to me?"

The words fell out before he could snatch them back: "You don't talk to me, apparently."

Bella sighed deeply, her fist thumping absently against the window beside her, "I needed to… Had to…"

"Had to what? Get slugged by an asshole with a serious grudge? What the fuck, Bella? Seriously!" Edward signaled, turning onto the main drag cutting through Forks, his hands angrily protesting the force with which he gripped the wheel.

"It's a bad day," Bella began. "Therapy, and then Charlie, and I… I just-"

Edward felt himself trembling, felt his own tears welling up, "From what little Ronan told me, it's been a bad week or more…"

"I didn't want to burden you," Bella protested weakly.

"Why don't you trust me?" Edward asked, dejected. "I've shared so much with you…"

"I trust you…" The hesitation was in her voice, in her pressing her forehead to the window pane.

"But?"

"Fuck it. Forget it."

Edward realized they'd already reached the turn for his home and checked the speedometer, wincing and forcing his lead foot off the pedal. _The Bitchella is back_, Edward thought angrily. _Lovely._ A fraction of him wanted to turn around, drop her at Charlie's door and let him deal with her and whatever they'd discussed that had sent her off on her little trip to psycho testosterone junkie land, but he sensed that if he wanted Bella to open up, that wasn't exactly the best course of action. _Home, then_.

The drive was surprisingly empty as Edward pulled in; Alice's old Jeep was in the garage, but his entire family's usual fleet of vehicles was nowhere to be found. _Small miracles; gotta love 'em_. Pulling into the garage, Edward cut the engine, eyes fixed dead ahead.

"You don't understand," Bella whispered. "It's not over yet."

Edward turned, his eyebrow raised. "What isn't?"

"La Push." Bella swallowed hard. "All of your stories… They're the past, right? They happened, past tense. Done. Over."

Edward nodded, "I guess. They still fucking hurt, Bella."

"I know! I know, but this… It's still happening, in a weird sort of… Charlie confirmed it, and I just… I can't explain it. I don't have words." Bella wrapped her arms around herself, shivering slightly. "Just… the navel piercing?"

Edward thought back carefully to their first night together, to her cautious and vague words: "_Thirteen months ago, I did something incredibly stupid that irrevocably changed the lives of several people. My boyfriend... he couldn't stay. And my gut twisted into so many knots that it felt right to pierce there."_ Was this horrible thing that had earned Sam's wrath something to do with a death? How could Bella, someone so loving and kind, ever have anything to do with someone dying?

"I thought it happened over a year ago?"

"The b-boyfriend… He's still m-m-mad. They all are…" Bella reached her hand across the car, seeking Edward's. "The dreamcatcher was a sick birthday gift… I just… No more. Not tonight." Tears tumbled down her cheeks anew as she gripped his hand tightly. "Please?"

Edward softened immediately, her pain palpable and weighty in the car. _She's trying. And if they're torturing her over something…_ Edward recalled a snippet of Ronan's tirade at the youths mentioning some sort of attacks on Bella off the reservation and felt his blood begin to boil. _I really should have let that jerk have it_.

"Okay, Bella. But you have to promise me not to ever return there," Edward answered gently, reaching out to push a damp tendril of hair from her eyes.

Bella nodded furiously, unbuckling herself from the car. "Can't go h-home-"

"Bella, you _are_ home," Edward chided her gently. "You always have a home with me."

"I do?" As Edward nodded, Bella forced a smile, "Would you… maybe you could play for me?"

"I think I can arrange that."

As Edward led the way into the house, through the living room to where his first piano, an old upright refurbished for his twelfth birthday, sat waiting, he called Charlie, assuring him that Bella was alright now, but asleep. He accepted this gruffly, but insisted Edward have Bella phone him in the morning, a condition to which Edward agreed. Bella curled up in a large chair near the piano as Edward settled upon the bench, testing the keys and pedals quickly.

"What do you want me to play?"

Bella shrugged, resting her head on the arm of the chair, "Anything."

After a moment's pause, Edward's fingers gently moved through the melody of _Clair de Lune_, the old recital piece simple and familiar – and one of his favourites, secretly. He glanced over briefly at Bella, her closed eyes and slower, more rhythmic breathing a reassuring sight. _How do I get her to open up, before whatever this is kills her?_ He closed his own eyes now, allowing the music to wash over him and push away all of the hurt and fear of the evening, push away the vicious words and faces of these men who seemed determined to destroy his Bella from the inside. _Tomorrow, I need to figure this out. _Finishing the piece, Edward's gaze fell upon his now sleeping love, studying her intently, as if a chink in her mental armour would reveal itself.

"How do I save you, Bella?" he whispered.

* * *

_Phew! And yeah, I had to throw in Clair de Lune ;)_

_I'm working very hard to wrap up my other story, Through The Looking-Glass, in the next week or so, so my focus is there right now. I'm also possibly resurrecting and re-posting Deliratio (my Twilight/Silent Hill crossover) in October; we'll see._

_**Chapter 25 FYI is a flashback to the night of the La Push incident**; you've been very patient, indeed. But next chapter, Rosalie simply has to open her mouth... And I'm not messing with her. No way._

_**Review away! Did anyone surprise you? Should Ronan be as upset as he is? And how the hell is Edward going to get through to Bella?**_


	24. Chapter 24

_AN: _

_Alright, alright; I hear ya. You do know I trimmed down a chapter to move us closer to the flashback, just because you want to know the deal._

_I also didn't want another round of reviews asking me to spill. So here's the deal: **I'm posting this chapter, then immediately posting the flashback chapter afterwards. That's right; it's a double update night! So be sure to read BOTH chapters.**_

_Songs featured (I strongly recommend you listen to all 3 when mentioned!)_

_Into Everything - Moist_

_Alive - SR-71_

_Psychopomp - The Tea Party_

_Links to all three are on the **fully up to date playlist page**: casket4mytears[dot]wordpress[dot]com/2010/05/11/tattoos-like-mile-markers-breaking-down-the-playlist/_

_Stay tuned for notes at the bottom... As always, SM owns all things Twilight; lyrics belong to their respective songwriters and I WISH I owned Bella's OMG Pwnies! shirt (thinkgeek__[dot]__com/tshirts-apparel/womens/a078/?i=front)_

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

They didn't speak of the previous day's events at all the next morning, which left Edward both relieved and restless. He tugged and twisted his hair more than usual as they scavenged a breakfast of Lucky Charms with chocolate milk (an invention of Edward's when sick with chicken pox at age twelve) before settling in with Alice, who was watching reruns of America's Next Top Model. They were apparently marathoning the shit, which left Edward shaking his head in disbelief. _People watch this?_ he thought to himself as catty girls picked on each other while striking ridiculous poses on a block of ice.

Bella ate slowly, toying with each spoonful as her eyes glazed over. Ronan had phoned her at nine to tell her to not come into Breaking Dawn that afternoon, stating she 'obviously needed a personal day'; however, before Bella could begin to full-out cry, he invited her to dinner with him and Emily at their place, which she accepted. While Bella had extended the invitation to join, Edward declined in the end, suggesting she and Ronan had things to work through. Bella bit her lip and nodded, and the conversation was dropped as she'd padded down the hall to shower - alone.

They hadn't showered alone since the night they met.

He wanted to be the decent boyfriend, the supportive guy, but a part of him was ready to snap. It was one thing for her not to speak much of her mother's passing; it was traumatic, and bringing it up usually left Bella in a small coil in a chair, eyes closed tight, as if she did not want to see that yes, this world where her mother had been shot for a few dollars was reality, and not a nightmare she'd been dreaming for years. But this thing involving her ex-boyfriend and his tribe was affecting her day to day, whether he brought it up or not, pushing her to engage in behaviour so dangerous, even Ronan had snapped and needed a breather from his 'little sister.'

"What are you up to this afternoon?" Alice chirped, shattering the uncomfortable silence.

"I have a lunch thing with Rosalie, then Emm and Jasper were talking about hitting the bar to watch the ball game?" Edward replied reluctantly. "Whatever, it's free beer. Emm said he was buying."

"Diner at Ronan's," Bella mumbled.

Alice stared quizzically at Edward and he shook his head ever so slightly. _Later, __Alice_. With a sudden smile, she turned her attention to Bella, reaching out to tap her shoulder excitedly.

"So you're free all afternoon?"

"I... guess..." Bella's answer was reluctant; she'd long ago learned about the dangers of allowing Alice to plan a day out.

"Yay!" Alice mercifully killed the TV show and sprung to her feet. "I have been _dying_ to hit these boutiques in Port Angeles I know; it's fall fashion bargain time, you know. We could do lunch, shop, then I'll drop you off at Ronan's. Ooh! There's a blouse I've been meaning to give to Emily that would bring out her eyes."

"I dunno, Alice. I'm so wiped out," Bella protested weakly.

"It's only three stores, I promise! I'll buy all your caffeine. Please?" Alice batted her eyes playfully, pouting. "Rosalie already cancelled for today on me because work called her in, which is okay because she's kind of boring about clothes. She only likes red and white. I think she's secretly Canadian and like, the Hales adopted her."

"It'd be good for you to get out," Edward interjected. "And sad Alice is a bad Alice. If she needs her shopping fix, you never stand in her way, Bella."

With a sigh, Bella threw up her arms, "Alright, Alice! Give me ten to get dressed, okay?"

Alice embraced her tightly, kissing her cheek, "You're the best! You should wear that new blue sweater I got you, the off the shoulder one. I hung it up for you in Edward's closet since _he's a slob_ who can't care for clothes," she added, shaking a finger at her brother.

"I like my heap on the dresser just fine, thanks," Edward grumbled. "I don't need a Cinderella helper mouse."

Bella abandoned her half-eaten cereal on the coffee table and made her way up the spiraling staircase, her steps heavy, as if she were trekking through tar. Alice watched her ascend, shaking her head with a frown as she disappeared from sight.

"What happened, Edward?"

Edward groaned, "It's a very long story, Tink."

"Twitter-style, then: 140 characters or less," Alice quipped.

"Bella nearly got beat down by angry guys on the rez, pissed about something she still won't tell me. They've been sending sick gifts and she's hiding it." Edward glanced upward, ensuring that Bella was still upstairs, "Alice, she won't talk to me, and it's making me fucking nuts."

"Okay, 'beat down'? As in fists?" When Edward nodded, the tiny woman began to seethe, "Let me fucking at them!"

"No way, Tink; not gonna do a second round. But she needs to start talking before she does something..."

"Even more self-destructive? Got it." Alice smiled gently, reaching up to touch Edward's cheek, "Girls tend to introvert; boys explode. Give her time, Eeyore. I'll try and talk to her today."

Edward's hand reached to cover his sister's, squeezing it lightly, "Thanks, Tink. You're like my saner Delirium, sometimes."

"Enter Sandman, to emo up the convo," Alice giggled, winking. "But thank you; Neil's work is cool, even if he's an epic Scientologist."

"Ugh, I know!" Edward groaned. "He's so intelligent; how does he buy into their crap?"

"Who's buying what now?" Bella asked, pattering down the stairs in the demanded sweater and a worn pair of low rise flares.

"Neil Gaiman. Scientology. Boggling, yes?" Alice asked.

"Whoa. Totally makes me rethink wanting to meet him. He'd probably try to fucking audit me or some shit with a pocket machine," Bella grumbled, shaking her head.

"Nah, he'd just hit you with some vitamin shots. Isn't that like his deal, Edward? Vitamins or some crap that he funds hardcore?"

"I think so," Edward mused, reaching out to toy with Bella's loose waves. "I should go; Rosalie's meeting me on her lunch, so I can't be late."

Bella's face fell, her eyes blinking hard, "Oh... Okay. I..."

"Oh hell!" Alice exclaimed, a little too loudly. "My purse is upstairs, and it won't match this dress at all. Back in five-ish!"

Watching his sister frolic up the stairs, her black strapless mini-dress alarmingly short from this angle, Edward chuckled, "Alice Cullen: as subtle as a sledgehammer to the skull."

"Yeah," Bella whispered, "Edward, I just... I just wanted to thank you, for, you know, not letting me get my ass kicked. I... I'm not sure what happened, but yesterday, I just..."

"Felt destructive?" Edward suggested.

"It was worse... I felt so guilty, and just... I think, I just snapped, and wanted to hurt. But not like when I... hurt me. I wanted someone else to. It must sound so stupid to you-"

"Hey, hey," Edward admonished, reaching out to embrace her shuddering body, "Back when my mom was sick, I used to go out alone to bars and shit - but not ones where I'd be known. Like, in Seattle and shit. I'd go in, swearing it would be different, but I'd end up picking a fight. I wanted something to hit... I couldn't fight her cancer. But also, I just wanted... a different hurt." Edward pulled back, brushing an errant tear from her cheek. "Huh. Guess I get the hurting yourself better than I knew."

"I'm sorry," Bella whispered.

"You need to get help, Bella. You need to want to be helped."

"I love you." Her voice was desperate, needy.

"And I love you."

Their kiss was gentle, their lips parting slowly, tongues scarcely touching. Bella's hands fisted in Edward's hair as she lightly ran her piercing along his lower lip in that familiar way that made him weak-kneed. His hands clung to her hips, pressing her against his torso, needing to feel her, to know she was safe and solid, if only for this moment. A soft murmur rumbled in her throat, her 'kitten call' as he'd named it, and he giggled, pulling away and stroking under her chin with a single, long finger.

"Here kitty, kitty..."

"Careful," Bella murmured, "Kitty bites."

"Ahem! Keep it Disney because I'm coming down!" Alice announced, walking very loudly and deliberately down the stairs. Edward couldn't blame her, not after the time she'd accidentally burst into the living room mid-blow job.

"Oh, it's clean! Hush!" With a last lingering glance, he kissed Bella's head, burying his face in her hair. "See you at my place tonight?"

"Mmhmm. Shit, my truck!"

"Already taken care of; Emmett and Jasper are grabbing it when they get up and dropping it off at Charlie's."

Bella shook her head in disbelief, "You're too good to me."

"Shoo! Princess won't be kept waiting!" Alice laughed. "Oh Bella, wait until you see the shoes I'm picking up!"

"Edward, help?"

Edward laughed, "You're on your own, Bitchella. Tink, behave!"

Stepping into the garage, Edward took a deep breath, exhaling slowly as he reminded himself to be calm, to not let his anger control him. _Rosalie is being nice; no being sarcastic today. Bella's sorry, and __Alice__ will try and talk to her. Ronan will probably talk to her, too. It's all good, Cullen._ Slipping into the Volvo and starting the engine, Edward circled through his playlists on his iPod, coming to rest on the Autumn list he'd created the previous year. _Yes. Perfect._

"Time to go meet the Ice Blonde and see what's with the about face..."

* * *

By the time Edward reached the small café near Rosalie's office, he was feeling genuinely better. Music had that magic for him; it always had. He drummed his fingers along on the steering wheel, parked but refusing to leave until the current song ended.

"_I said I'm fine, work the line  
Punch the clock, it never meant that much  
Wake up, wake up, it's here again__  
On a whim, stole a car  
Heard the shot ring out  
It seemed so far away  
Into everything..._"

In his periphery, he saw Rosalie making her way along the northern side of the street, dressed in a simple beige suit jacket and matching skirt, a white silk blouse beneath. Her face was tense, her hands fidgeting with the strap of her purse as she waited for the walk signal to cross. _Is she nervous_? Edward shook his head, returning to the music. _Strange things happen lately_...

"_Quarter slot, the picture's hot  
You can be so damn ugly  
The flickering is sickening the show__  
Sexual, intellectual__  
Feels so raw it makes me crazy  
Pocketful of quarters left to go..._"

With a deep breath, Edward cut the engine and stepped out into the unusually sunny day, Rosalie spotting him immediately. It was the hair; his strange shade of copper made it very difficult to disappear in a crowd, a huge liability at times. With a small smile, he joined her at the entrance, hands thrust in pockets.

"Hey! You came," Rosalie said, smiling.

"I can't say no to free food and coffee," Edward joked.

Rosalie chuckled, "I don't blame you. Follow me; most people forget the back section."

Edward fell back, watching Rosalie expertly weave around clustered customers at the take out line, a cluster of tables and several teenagers rocking on their chairs and fighting over a netbook. Just beyond the noise and din, Edward was happy to see a more spacious alcove with several tables, only one of which was presently taken.

"Window okay?"

"Yeah, sure."

Rosalie settled into the furthermost corner table, her back to the wall. Edward settled into the seat across from her, fumbling with the sugar packets as she withdrew a clip from her Prada purse, pulling her long hair back into a loose ponytail. A server approached as if on cue, and Rosalie offered a Ham and Swiss toasted sandwich and a cappuccino.

"And for you, sir?" The petite blonde asked cheerily.

"Um, I've never been here, sorry. Anything in the way of a danish?"

"We have a chocolate danish today, and our standard blueberry."

Edward nodded, "Okay, chocolate danish and a mocha it is."

As the server strolled away, Rosalie smiled, "You could order an actual lunch. I have money and all that 'rich girl' shit."

She winked, and Edward was taken aback at how... friendly she could be. _Maybe this is what Emmett usually sees from her?_ With a shrug, he admitted he wasn't all that hungry, which was true enough. His concern for Bella had his stomach in knots, only amplified by knowing Alice would be trying to prod her into opening up, which could admittedly end disastrously.

The server returned with their drinks, and Rosalie sipped hers, inhaling the steam, "I fucking love coffee. I tell you, Edward; if coffee was a person, Emmett wouldn't stand a fucking chance."

"Does he know this?" Edward asked, laughing.

"He does. It's why he cringes when I ask for Starbucks. I think he's afraid that damn mermaid on the logo will become real and turn me into a dyke." Rosalie giggled, shaking her head. "Edward, being blunt here: you look like shit. What's wrong?"

"That obvious, huh?"

"Yup." Rosalie leaned in slightly, her icy blue eyes locked upon him. "Didn't sleep?"

"Not much," Edward admitted. "Some heavy shit went down with Bella yesterday, and I just couldn't stay out, you know?"

At the mention of Bella's name, Rosalie averted her eyes briefly, as if afraid Edward would glean something from within. "Are you guys... Well, are you okay?"

"Yeah, the 'we' is okay. But Bella really isn't..." Edward took a mouthful of his mocha, swirling it around before swallowing. "Look, she'd probably hate me talking to you, of all people, but well... Apparently her ex is causing some shit. Like, serious shit. And I also learned that any time she visits First Beach, she's apt to draw a gang of thugs ready to slap her around."

Rosalie blanched, "That-that's fucking terrible, Edward..."

"She hid all this shit from me until I had to go save her ass last night, and I'm so... I love her, Rosalie. So fucking much I can't breathe if she's sad or gone. But I feel so shut out of her life, like I've let her in all the way, but she's not even meeting me halfway. And it's not like she doesn't talk to anyone; she does, but not to me."

"Like Ronan," Rosalie murmured.

"Yeah, exactly. I know he's known her longer, and he's friends with all of the La Push kids, so that's why she can talk to him. But I still feel hurt."

Rosalie drew a deep breath, staring into her coffee mug for a long moment, before she spoke, "Edward, is her ex-boyfriend named Jacob?"

"Yeah... Hey, how the hell did you know that?"

Rosalie sighed, "Edward, I have to tell you something. I'm just really glad it's not... Look, I asked you to meet me because I was afraid Bella was cheating on you."

"What?" Edward stared at Rosalie in shock, his jaw falling open.

"Calm down, okay? She's not. But what I heard sounded... Bad. But now it makes so much more sense-"

"I'm glad it makes sense to one of us," Edward snorted.

"Okay, give me a chance to tell it all!" Rosalie paused as the server brought their food, for which she uttered a quick thank-you that clearly meant 'get lost'. "I was in Starbucks on Bella's birthday - jonesing of course! - and I ended up hearing her voice. She was with Ronan, and they were having a heavy conversation. He was arguing with her, telling her that she 'had to tell about Jake'. I missed pieces and didn't hear the whole thing, but the way she kept insisting you would 'never forgive her' and how you'd leave her, it just... It sounded _bad_. And then, at her party, I heard Ronan on the phone, telling a Jacob to like, fuck off and stay away."

"Shit," Edward exhaled. "Why didn't you tell me sooner, Rosalie? It's been like, a fucking week and change."

"I didn't know how to tell you! We haven't gotten along, and I also... I was preparing to break your heart. No one wants to do that. I was kinda hoping Bella would come clean, too. She hates me, so I couldn't go tell her I knew - well, I _thought_ I knew." Rosalie frowned, fumbling with her napkin, "I'm sorry."

Edward contemplated Rosalie's story for a minute, absorbing these new facts, coupled with Bella's behaviour and Ronan's information. It suddenly become painfully clear, now that he had another perspective on the situation.

"The sick gift she was talking about... It was a _birthday_ gift. Mother_fucker_!" Edward snarled. "She's been so edgy since her birthday, so moody. God, I want to meet this Jacob kid and kick his fucking ass."

"Her ex-boyfriend, if I'm following you, is harassing her with gifts, enough that Ronan was calling him up, and then he tried to physically hurt her?"

"Not him, but some close friends, or so Ronan told me. The whole tribe has a grudge with her over something to do with this girl named Rachel. Bella won't tell me the whole story; she just said something really bad happened there like, fourteen months ago."

Rosalie remained quiet, nodding to herself as she reached for her coffee. Her hand shook violently, the creamy liquid drizzling over the porcelain as she gulped it then sat it back down with a decided bang.

"Rosalie? You alright?" Edward asked gently.

She shook her head, fumbling in her purse for a tissue, which she dabbed at the corners of her eyes. Her gaze drifted outside, where a young couple walked by, hand in hand, each holding an ice cream cone. It was so ridiculously picturesque, Edward wanted to laugh. But he couldn't, not with Rosalie so upset. _She doesn't even like Bella; why is she so broken up_?

"Has Emmett ever said anything about my last fiancé?"

"No... I didn't even know you were engaged before."

Rosalie sighed, "I like to pretend I wasn't. Engaged to him, I mean. I like to pretend I wasn't so fucking stupid and trusting..." She pressed her hand to her face, wincing and turning back to Edward's worried expression. "I'm not going to go into the details, but Roy was... Well, he was an abusive asshole, that's what. The night I finally had enough was the night he broke my arm in two places, broke my jaw, my pelvis and then told me to clean up the broken dishes that had gone flying when he threw me into the glass table in our den."

"Jesus fucking Christ, Rosalie... I'm so sorry. Did you call the police?"

She grimaced, "You bet your fucking ass, I did. He's rotting in a cell for the next six years, give or take. The mind games, I'd put up with - even the odd slap. But that..." Rosalie's voice cracked, "I'm probably never going to have kids, Edward. Not ever. The scar tissue from the bones puncturing it all..."

Edward's hand reached across the table, covering hers. Rosalie forced a smile, attempting to calm herself down with deep breaths.

"Does Emm know?"

"Yeah, he knows what you know. He sometimes asks about that night - about the hour of fighting before... Or the little things... But I can't. It's too much to return there. There are things he can't ever know, because he would kill Roy when he gets out. I'm actually pretty sure he'll try anyway."

Rosalie leaned back and pulled her hair loose again, pulling several strands close to her eyes, concealing the swelling, "Edward, it makes me so sad and sick that someone - that a group of people, even! - are hurting Bella, trying to. No one _ever_ deserves that. No one."

"I told her that last night," Edward noted quietly.

"Good... Edward, I'm telling you all this I guess because you need to know that even with closure... Even if the police ride in with their white cars and save the day... Speaking of it is still so hard. If it's still happening to her...she just can't feel safe. It's why I'm always seen as a bitch, now. I'm so afraid of people that I just close up and get mouthy, and I... I hide behind the bitch."

"Bitchella," Edward nodded, "I think the two of you really need to bury the hatchet and get along. But bring this version of you."

Rosalie laughed, "So I need to buy her coffee and cry on her?"

"You know, I think that might score serious points!" Edward teased.

"Done. Fuck, my lunch is almost up and I haven't even started eating," Rosalie sighed, picking up her sandwich and taking what Edward considered an Emmett-sized bite. _Ah, yes! She can eat. Emmett loves that in women_.

Biting his danish - which was incredibly rich and satisfying - Edward fiddled with his coffee, "Rosalie, how... How do I get her to feel safe to talk?"

Rosalie swallowed, sipping her coffee, "She needs time; it has to be on her time, you know? It fucking sucks, but it's true. Took me four months to tell Emm, and it was only because someone commented innocently that my jaw looked great. But maybe... You guys both have bad memories, right?"

"We met in group therapy. Enough said," Edward replied.

Chewing and swallowing another bite of sandwich, Rosalie shrugged, "Is there anything scary you haven't told her yet? I know you were saying that whole thing about her not coming halfway, but isn't there anything you're hiding from _her_?"

"Not hiding," Edward deflected, "Just... It hasn't come up."

"Mmhmm. Hypocrite, much?" Rosalie smiled as Edward huffed, "Oh, I kid. But seriously, you could try offering up something scary of your own. Maybe seeing you be brave and tell a bad story will help her feel you're not going to hate her or leave her?"

"That's not a bad idea."

"Of course it's not; it's mine," Rosalie chirped. "You wanna get the rest to go? I have ten to get back to the office."

"Sure, that's good."

Rosalie waved to the server, instructing her to get the coffees and foods prepped for take-out, settling the bill with a generous tip. As they made their way to the counter for pick-up, Edward suddenly felt lighter, calmer... and kind of liked his future sister-in-law. _Who would have ever fucking thought_? Rosalie passed him a lidded cup and a bag, slugging back more coffee as they stepped outside, nearly colliding with a brood of children and their weary mother.

"Thanks for lunch, Rosalie... and for the talk. It helped a lot."

"I'm just glad things weren't what I thought. You guys are really nice together, Edward."

"You know, for a spoiled rich bitch, you're pretty decent," Edward joked.

"For a Doucheward, you're also decent," Rosalie retorted, laughing at his shocked expression. "Alice told me that one. Bella's got a way with words, huh?"

"Yeah. Now I just have to get her to use them."

Rosalie nodded, "Exchange stories, seriously. Emm told me about your mom before I told him.. you know. It helped. See ya around Casa Cullen."

Edward watched the curvy blonde stride to the streetlight, eyeing her watch while sipping from her cup. Now that he was cognizant of her history, he noticed a slight unevenness in her gait on the left, and his heart sunk. _If Emm wants a hand with __Roy__, I'm game. Fucking bastard_. His spirits renewed, a game plan crystallized quickly - but he would need a little help. As the Volvo revved in the lot, he sent a quick text to his accomplice.

_Tink. Don't push B. Have a plan. Call me when she's not there, need help._

The music shifted into a song all too fitting, the only track he'd ever liked by the band singing. Unable to resist, he browsed quickly to and shot out a quick missive to the woman his brother loved, a peace offering:

_A song for Rosalie... I get it now, Emm. /~w5m5j_

Turning the volume up, Edward pulled out onto the road, making his way to his apartment to wait out the four hours until Emmett and Jasper kidnapped him for sports bar hell. At least he understood how to reach Bella now, even if the thought made him ill.

It was time to tell Bella about Tanya.

* * *

Edward was shocked that things had fallen into place so neatly. Alice had managed to pick up the requested Italian from his favourite spot near Port Angeles, the Italian Soda to go with _and_ convinced the entire family to get the hell out of the house for two hours. It was utterly perfect - and this troubled him now, as he led Bella into the dining room of his family home. _Something's going to fuck up, I know it._ Bella, dressed in her favourite jeans and her 'OMG Pwnies!' shirt ("I found it after seeing that Robot Chicken with the Apocalypse Ponies, you know?"), gasped at the china plates, crystal glasses and the vase of fresh wildflowers upon the table.

"You were with me all day! How on earth-"

They answered her question in unison: "Alice."

Edward gestured to the kitchen, "I wasn't sure which dish you'd like, so I had her grab the mushroom ravioli and the pesto penne with calamari. I dig 'em both, so have your pick."

"Mmm, both sound really good... Halfsies on both?"

"I like your style, Swan."

"You just like my 'Pwnies'," Bella joked, gesturing to how the heads fell conveniently between her breasts and making air quotes.

"Consider me 'pwned' then," Edward laughed. "Back in a sec."

Alice, the clever girl she was, had left each pasta in a covered dish to insulate the warmth, serving spoons alongside. Tucking the spoons unceremoniously into the pockets of his jeans, he juggled both dishes out to the table, laying them down with a flourish. He poured the soda first, then scooped generous helpings of each pasta onto their respective plates, sitting down with a happy sigh.

"I love this."

"Pasta?" Bella asked, spearing a ravioli with her fork.

"Spending time with you, uninterrupted. Treating you to nice things."

"Ohmmmyfuffinggoh!" Bella mumbled through her mouthful of food.

"You like?" Edward snickered, opting for a mouthful of the pesto dish first.

Bella nodded, swallowing and gasping, "Hell yes! Why have you been keeping this from me for the last two months? Why?"

Edward shook his head, "It wasn't intentional. Things have been kinda weird and bumpy, you know?"

Bella sighed, taking a mouthful of soda, "Yeah..."

"But hey, fuck conventional. We know we can last through anything, right? Some couples don't figure out how _not compatible_ they are until ten years of marriage." Edward said, attempting to buoy Bella's mood and reassure her.

Bella paused, then smiled gently, "I suppose so..."

"Eat, woman! We have other plans."

"Like what?"

Edward shrugged, "You'll just have to wait and find out."

Bella sighed, putting on a thick accent, "I hate waiting."

"My name is Inigo Montoya-"

"You _keeled_ my father-"

"Prepare to die!" They shouted together, laughing so hard that Bella dropped her fork, burying her face in her hands and wheezing.

Edward beamed, struggling to regain composure. _Perfect_. _It's going to work out okay; I just know it_. A brief pang struck him as he thought of the story he'd have to tell soon, but he dismissed it, reminding himself that he was doing this for Bella's sake. _A little pain will be worth it_.

They ate dinner quietly, making odd chatter about music and movies, with Bella particularly critical of the horror genre and how it was all 'blood and guts, no story'. Edward argued that there weren't many stories left to tell, and studios had taken to recycling the older films with more gore. Bella declared the genre dead and then began debating how precisely the Kill Bill sequel would go down, Edward realizing that Bella was far more devilish than he'd imagined. He liked it.

Once Bella had declared herself satisfied, he invited her out for a drive, to which she thankfully agreed. Perhaps she sensed that it was important to him; he couldn't tell. All that mattered was that she was seated now in the Volvo, humming quietly with the radio as they drove in relative silence. The deep voice of the singer lilted through the car as Edward pulled over into a gas station lot, facing a t-shaped intersection. His fingers remained tight upon the wheel as his mind flashed briefly to another time, long ago... _So much death_...

"_So sleep tonight, in idle dreams  
The pain will drown your silent screams  
And you want it all...  
I'll give you something more  
And you fade away  
One last kiss before you fade away..._"

"Where are we?" Bella asked softly, placing her hand upon his thigh.

Edward swallowed hard, his throat suddenly parched, "This is where my first love died."

"Wh-what?"

Edward closed his eyes, sinking into the car seat, "I felt it only right to... I never told you about the fifth tattoo. The buttercup. I've seen you look at it, but you've never asked me about it."

"I didn't want to pry..." Bella fidgeted with her t-shirt hem, staring at the troubled face of the man she loved. "Why tonight?"

"Because it was time." Edward sighed, shaking his head. "You always tell me that it's not my fault that everyone died - one by one by one - but this one... This was 100% my fault. It really was."

"How-?"

"Tanya Denali... She was the girl every guy wanted to date in our high school. Pretty, with this strawberry blonde hair that was so... I've never seen a shade like it since. But she wasn't shallow or conceited at all. She was very smart - she loved making puns, playing off others' words - and she was kind of shy. We dated all through high school, too. She bumped into me at freshman orientation and we just stuck together."

Edward gazed out through the windshield, staring at the farthest corner, straining to see the tire tracks that remained. The tangible proof she was once here. He'd done it every time he'd passed this way since that night in 2007.

"It was spring break, and we were home from college. We'd both started off at the same school, but she'd transferred in our second year to Berkeley for a specific program advisor there. We'd make the trips back and forth, but it was strained... and I was jealous."

_"That's the second time that guy's called, Tan," Edward grumbled._

_"Baby, he's just a friend from the program. His parents make him mental; he probably just wants to vent," Tanya explained gently, twisting a lock of hair around her finger._

_"Twice in an hour? Doesn't he know that this is _our_ time, the precious time we have together?" Edward rose from his bed, storming over to the stereo and killing the music._

_"Hey; I liked that song," Tanya protested, her body tense._

_"Tanya, cut the crap, please; I've known you for too long."_

_She rose slowly, her face flushed with anger, "Edward, what the fuck is your damage?"_

_"My 'damage', as you so nicely put it, is that some other guy is sticking his dick into _my girlfriend_!" Edward shouted, knocking several CDs to the ground in his fury. "If you want to be with someone else, then have the fucking decency to break up with me first."_

_Tanya stood, mouth agape, her fists curling, "I... Are you fucking serious? You really think that low of me?"_

_"Well, what else am I supposed to think? You seldom return my calls anymore, you ignore my emails for days-"_

_"I've been swamped at school, for fuck's sake. Don't you have classes to attend, too? Midterms? My program is heavy on lab work and papers, Edward. It's more time consuming. God, I love you so much! Why can't you see that?"_

_Edward seethed, shaking his head, "Because your actions speak louder than your words, Tanya."_

_With a shudder, Tanya reached for the end of the bed, scooping up her purse, "Screw this! I'm not going to stay here and let you brand me a harlot when I have done _nothing_ to deserve these accusations." As she reached the bedroom door, she paused, turning back towards Edward. "You know, I knew you were too _immature_ to handle long distance!"_

_"Don't make this about me, Tan!"_

_"Goodbye, Edward. Call me if your fucking head screws itself back on straight and maybe I'll forgive you!"_

"And then she was gone, her little Mazda flooring it down the driveway... I got a call two hours later from my dad, telling me I needed to come to the hospital... He tried so hard to help her, but the crash was so... Her car crumpled like paper. The head trauma and the bleeding were just... too much..."

"Edward, honey, I'm so sorry..."

"Her favourite book was The Princess Bride. Not movie; she liked the book better. Hence the tattoo..." Edward buried his face in his hands. "I never should have said... She was driving angry..."

"Come here," Bella whispered, pulling him into her arms. "It wasn't your fault. Accidents happen; they're called accidents because you can't prevent them."

"This one could have been," Edward whispered, leaning against her chest. "She never cheated on me; I know it now. I was a fucking idiot."

"We all say things we don't mean... Do things we don't mean to..." Bella sighed, stroking Edward's hair. "I know I have."

Sniffling, Edward pulled himself upright, brushing away tears. "I think I need a walk. I need air."

"There's a path near my place," Bella suggested, "I think it winds to a creek eventually... I usually don't go far."

"Okay," Edward said quietly. "Yeah, that will be good."

With a last look through the windshield, he threw the Volvo in reverse, making the turn that Tanya once did, just before she met a painful and bloody end. As he drove, he stole a few glances at Bella, needing to see her beauty, hoping she understood how much he loved her. She sat very motionless, save her right foot tapping the floor - a nervous habit he loved teasing her about.

"Do you hate me now?" Edward asked nervously, pulling over where Bella gestured to.

"Of course not," Bella said. "I can't judge anyone. I've made far worse mistakes."

"I very much doubt that," Edward replied. "I just fuck up and drive people over the edge, over and over..."

Bella shook her head vigorously, "No. No, you have no idea." Stepping out onto the grass, she slammed her door.

Edward followed her quickly, her slight form darting just ahead onto the moonlit dirt pathway bending into the thick forest, "Bella, wait for me-"

"You have no idea," she repeated again, her voice shaky. "But you will." With a glance backward, she sucked in a deep breath, exhaling loudly. "I'll tell you about Jacob. Tonight. Right now."

As she walked ahead into the darkness, distinctly keeping a few steps ahead of him (_Is she afraid to see me as she talks?_ Edward mused), Bella slowly, deliberately, began to speak.

"I knew Jacob Black from my childhood visits to my father's place, but it was when I moved here that things grew into something more. About five months after I moved to Forks, we began dating. It was good; I didn't love him as passionately as he loved me, but I figured it would come in time." Bella paused, as if choosing her words. "But he never saw the darkness in me, never saw how it grew. Not until it was too late..."

* * *

_So, what did we think of Rosalie and Edward's chat? Was it like your expectations? I know a lot of you were afraid of her causing serious trouble for our Doucheward and Bitchella. I kind of love her, in a way._

_Poor Tanya; I left her this long into the tale, even though she was Edward's first tattoo (even though his grandmother died before Tanya by a couple years). _

_Over at my blog, I'm posting a timeline of deaths and their respective tattoos for Edward, just in case you need to jiggle your memory._

**And now: La Push! Bella is finally going to tell the story... Unless you read this update in like, five minutes, click on forward and read on...**


	25. Chapter 25

_AN: _

_Alright, 2 of 2: **La Push, baby!**_

_Key songs for chapter that I really recommend you play as you go:_

_Weak and Powerless - A Perfect Circle (start the chapter with it)_

_Let It Rain - Amanda Marshall (start it when it's mentioned)_

_Nautical Disaster - The Tragically Hip (cue when Bella has a not so bright idea)_

_I own nothing but my own original content and carpal tunnel._

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

_Saturday July 26th (14 months ago_)

"Oh Jake, c'mon! I was just kidding," Bella protested, clinging to the sleeve of his white t-shirt as he bent to lace his Doc Martens.

"Bella, this shit has got to stop. Seriously, I can't do this anymore with you." With a sigh, he rose from his crouched position, pushing back Bella's disheveled locks. "I love you, but you need to get some help, if you're not going to let me help you."

"Like a shrink?" Bella snorted, pulling back and stumbling into the wall behind her. "Shrinks can't help me, Jake."

"They could, if you'd let them-"

"Can they bring my mother back?" Bella asked angrily. "Can they make this fucking _black hole_ in my chest stop swallowing up everything good and light? Make the memory of putting her in the ground fade away? Because if they can do that, then fuck, take me to an asylum and check me in for a nice vacation!" As Jacob shook his head, Bella sighed. "What, I'm not perfect? Can't deal with Broken Bella?"

"I can't deal with Drunk Bella!" Jacob snapped. "Bella, when was the last day you were sober from start to finish?

"I… That's not fair. I can't count right now," Bella grumbled.

"And you _drove over here_? You could have gotten killed, Bells! You could have killed someone else!" Jacob slammed through the patio door of the Black home, taking the three wooden porch steps in a single go. "Just stay here, alright? Go watch TV or something with Rachel."

"Where are you going?" Bella demanded, pursuing him to his truck, the newer model of her own.

"To pick up my dad from your place," Jacob replied abruptly. "I should bring _your_ father back with me, so he can see what a goddamn mess you are!"

"No!" Bella sobbed, throwing herself at the cab door, "No, Jake, you can't. Seriously, you can't. I'll be better, really. I will." At his raised eyebrow, she kicked the ground, stomping like a petulant child denied a toy. "I can be, you know! I'll go drink some water, or juice. Please, Jake?"

Staring straight ahead, Jacob slid the key into the ignition, starting his truck with a quiet rumbling, "Fine. Go, Bella. I'll be back in less than an hour."

Bella watched as the truck pulled slowly out of the gravel driveway, her stomach rolling as she recalled his threat. _He so can't tell Charlie. That would not be fair at all! And… And Charlie doesn't need that right now_. He didn't turn back towards her, didn't wave, and Bella knew, unequivocally, that she had screwed up.

It didn't seem that big of a deal at the time. If Jacob knew how many times she'd slipped behind the wheel after a few, especially in the last month… _Screw him. I know how much I can handle. And obviously, my tolerance is higher than he seems to think_. Then again, this was the first time she'd knocked down the mailbox with her truck… and giggled about it.

Yeah. That had definitely sealed the deal for Jacob this time.

"Fuck him," Bella muttered. "He didn't remember about today. How great is he?"

Storming up the steps, she threw open the porch door, nearly striking her head off the frame in her haste. Straight down the hallway with its simple lacquered wood floors, first door on the left, was Jacob's bedroom. Inside of his bedroom was her purse, worn brown leather that fit her hip perfectly as she walked. And inside of that purse, nestled in the tiny hidden compartment within the crowded main pocket, there was a plastic baggie with a gram of shrooms, procured from the Magic Skeeze, good ol' James, in anticipation of this day.

Bella shut the bedroom door behind her, quickly rummaging through her boyfriend's dresser, happily locating a half bag of M&Ms. _Mmm, chocolate. A handful of candy makes the magic shrooms go down! Magic shrooms go doooowwwwwww-nnn_. Her hand slipped inside of her messy purse, dodging a book, a brush, wallet and a scattering of tiny notebooks where she wrote terrible poetry and random observations, Bella crowing triumphantly as she located her gift to herself.

Renee was a hippy, in her own way. It was a celebration of her. That's what Bella told herself as she sniffed at the dried plant, wrinkled her nose then quickly threw the pieces into her mouth with several candies following quickly, chewing as long as she could bear before swallowing.

"Happy Never-Birthday, Mom," Bella whispered sadly.

The big four-oh… How Renee had feared that number! She'd sworn to Bella that she refused to enter the forties at age thirty-three, vowing to remain 'forever thirty-something'. It didn't matter that Renee hardly looked her age, or that she was a cougar to the nth degree; for some reason, slipping into a new bracket of numbers meant doom.

She'd succeeded; Bella buried her mother at age 38, the clock stopped safely shy of her nightmare age. One hell of a price to pay over a number on a birthday card.

A soft knocking at Jacob's bedroom door sent Bella quickly wiping her eyes, sucking in a deep breath. _Who could that be?_ Exhaling, Bella laughed softly to herself. _Rachel. Of course, you idiot._

"Come in," she called out, feigning cheeriness.

Rachel's head peeked around the door, her startling blue eyes piercing Bella. _Genetics are damn funny_, Bella mused, noting that of all the Quileutes she knew, only Rachel's eyes were this dazzling sky-blue shade. On many a night, Bella had cautioned Jacob, telling him that any moment now, the boys would be camped on the porch, armed with sonnets and boom boxes over their heads. With Rachel's soft, long black waves framing a rich coffee complexion and her heart-shaped mouth, she would be a heartbreaker – if she ever decided to look up from her schoolwork. Embry Call had it particularly bad for her, and even Quil had been known to stare at larger beach gatherings. Rachel, however, was oblivious to them. _Maybe she's gay; either way, this girl's set for life in the looks department_.

"Bella? You okay?" Her voice was soft, yet still bore that youthful pitch that betrayed her age.

"Fantastic, Rach. Peachy keen," Bella replied, flopping back onto Jacob's bed. As usual, it wasn't made, the sheets tangled in a near-knot through some miraculous method of his.

Rachel sighed, pushing the door fully open, "You don't sound like it. I'm watching the end of _The Goonies_; wanna come out?"

Bella shrugged, pulling herself up with the bed frame. "I 'spose. Lead the way, sister."

Bella lightly ran her hands along the walls to steady herself as she followed Rachel into the Blacks' small living room, with its worn orange sofa covered in throw blankets and an extremely comfortable recliner chair that Bella usually stole if it was free – which was next to never. Luckily, Rachel preferred to watch TV lying on the floor with pillows, kicking her legs in the air, and the chair was hers to sink into. On screen, the kids were fighting the Fratellis on the pirate ship, aided by the arrival of Sloth and Chunk. _The best part_.

"Did you know that the Cyndi Lauper video for the song she does was like, two parts and twelve minutes?"

"It was?" Rachel asked. "That was epic long for the 80s."

"Hence two parts," Bella replied, blinking her eyes hard to clear her vision. "And it was like, the shoot from hell. The director was a monster, and it made Cyndi hate the song so much she dropped it off her set for like, a decade. Which sucks, because it's awesome. It also had a bunch of old wrestlers in it, because Cyndi managed one of them."

Rachel rolled over, ignoring the film entirely now, "That is so kick-ass. Cyndi Lauper is so cool."

Bella nodded, "She writes some really great songs, and like, nobody knows of them who isn't a super fan. Like that song Who Let In The Rain? So… powerful, you know? But nobody wants sad Cyndi." Bella rolled her eyes. _Or sad Bella_.

Rachel frowned, "Bella, Jacob will calm down. He just worries. I do, too."

"Rach, don't," Bella groaned. "I don't need a lecture from you, too."

"Okay, Bella," Rachel murmured, reaching for a can of Coke on the table.

Bella stared at the TV, watching as the children – the so-called 'Goonies' – won out over greed, their adventure not only great fun, but enough to save their families' homes. _Why can't my life be more like that? Everything is so freaking… dull. Regimented. Maybe if I were high on life, I could let go of the booze and shit…_ With a wicked grin, Bella jumped to her feet, giggling as her balance skewed. Her hand planting on the arm of the chair, she hummed a random, happy tune.

"Bella, have you flipped?"

"No! Rachel, I have a fantastic idea. A great idea. And Jake will totally love it, because it will get him what he wants." Bella paused, the colours of the couch blankets bleeding into each other in a way not unlike a lava lamp. _Fucking awesome._ "First, I need some air…"

Bella stumbled onto the porch, dragging her Chucks with her as she flopped against the porch railing. The air smelled wonderful, rich with the scent of trees and surf, and perhaps distantly, wood burning. Even the sky, with the sun nearly set, seemed more beautiful, a kaleidoscopic blurring of shades and hues. _Yes. I need to be outside. I need to do this_! Rachel stepped outside, hopping up on the opposing rail, her long legs dangling as she studied Bella.

"It smells so wonderful out here. Doesn't it?"

Rachel nodded, "It always does when a storm is rolling in. It's one of the best parts of living so close to the beach."

Bella's head felt light, straining to remain tethered to her neck. It was as if her tongue sought to taste the skies themselves, lick the clouds like cotton candy. _I need to be outside. I need more of this beauty, this… colour! And life!_ With a grin, she turned to Rachel.

"I'm going to take a walk on the beach. Tell Jake when he gets back," she announced, lacing on her Chucks.

"What? Bella, it's gonna rain soon. I just rented the cool _Hamlet_, the one with Kate Winslet? We could make popcorn and ignore my stupid brother." Rachel's eyes darted around, as if seeking to find her brother's truck in the vicinity. "Bella?"

"Rach, I need to really clear my head," Bella explained, struggling to find a way to win her support, lest she call Jacob's cell phone and tattle on her. "I need to clear my head, so I can be better, happier."

"I would love for you to feel better, Bella. But I'm sure there's a storm-"

"Fuck it. Rain is like, water, right? Baptism?" Bella smiled at her own cleverness. "It's so warm out, anyway." With a laugh, she leaped over the rail, her shoes sinking slightly into the tall grass.

The lanky teenager peered down from the porch rail, her head tilted askance, "Are you sure about this, Bella?"

"Of course I am! Stop being a kill-joy!"

"I'm coming with you, then. You can't be alone," she declared, hopping to the cool earth below.

"Whatever!"

Rachel walked alongside of her as they wound through the Blacks' yard, down a steep pathway and cutting across a barren field that spilled into the fringe of First Beach, where the tourists seldom wandered. The waves edged closer to their feet as they walked, frothy lather churned by a strong breeze. To Bella, it was lava, the sea itself exploding, boiling over in its fury with the world and its sickness. Beneath the murky blue-grey, she swore she saw vibrant red, hidden rubies – an ocean of treasures. Time seemed strange; it was as if one moment, she and Rachel had made it to the main drag of sand, where the Forks High kids came to surf and sunbathe; then, it stretched, languid and slow, a mile seeming an hour long. Rachel said little, asking Bella about movies she'd seen (hardly any lately; Jake never took her anywhere, these days), or music for rainy days (one of her largest playlists, and thus, a grand topic).

"…But you can't have a rain playlist without Purple Rain, of course," Bella babbled. "It's essential, because of how pivotal it was to the film, and also, it's just pretty in a sad way."

"There's that one by Travis, too," Rachel added, singing softly, "_Why does it always rain on me?_"

"_Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?_" Bella joined in, grinning. "Yes. Great call, Rachel. Oh! Rain King has to be there, because Adam Duritz is a god."

"I like that one you played for me before, by the girl with the huge, beautiful curls…" Rachel frowned, struggling to remember it, "There was a line about 'my face is dirty from the pain' or close to it…"

"Yes! Let It Rain by Amanda Marshall. Gorgeous song. Oooh, look at that!" Bella shouted. "That trunk looks comfy to rest on."

Rachel glanced upward, noting the moon was fast becoming their only light, "Should we maybe turn around, Bella? We didn't bring a flashlight."

"Nonsense! Besides, I have my mini Mag light on my keychain. Go Charlie and his useful gifts!" Bella sat down on the fallen fir, nearly slipping backwards before Rachel reached out to steady her. "Rachel, did I ever tell you about my mom and I going to Mission Beach, when I was younger?"

"No," Rachel replied, leaning on Bella's shoulder, "Where is it?"

"California, near San Diego. It's right by this little town, tourist fishing trap, really, but the sand… It was like gold flecks. It sparkled in such a strange way. My mom was mesmerized by it, by how blue the water was. Phoenix was so dry and hot, but the air was moist, soothing… It would have been her birthday today."

Rachel's breath caught in her throat, "Oh, Bella. I'm sorry."

"I'm not. She never wanted to turn 40. And now, she won't!"

Bella stared at her sneakers, marveling at how every grain of sand stuck to their fabric seemed so individuated, so important, as if the whole metaphor of sand counting time in an hourglass truly worked. _James was so right; this was exactly what I needed tonight_. In her head, a melody played, and she sang along, not caring who might hear beyond Rachel and the crashing surf. _Look Renee; I'm singing, just like you, in public places for no real reason!_ Her fingers drummed her knees, keeping beat.

"_I have given, I have given and got none  
Still I'm driven by something I can't explain_

_It's not a cross; it is a choice_

_I cannot help but hear His voice_

_I only wish that I could listen without shame…_"

"_Let it rain,_" the girls sang in unison, Rachel's delicate soprano shifted an octave upwards, "_Let it rain on me_."

Bella continued, singing louder, rising to balance on the trunk's length as a light mist began to fall from above. _Wash me clean, then. Make me better_.

"_I have been a witness to the perfect crime_

_Wiped the grin off of my face to hide the blame_

_Is it worth the tears you cry to have a perfect alibi?_

_Now I'm beaten at the hands of my own game!_"

"_Let it rain_," Rachel sang, Bella giving way to her voice, fascinated by each note. "_Let it rain, on me…_"

"To the bridge!" Bella laughed, twirling upon the trunk. "Sing with me, get up!"

She pulled Rachel to her feet, the two of them precariously balanced as they sang together, their hair damp now as the skies seemed to weep for their performance.

"_It isn't easy to be kind with all these demons in my mind_

_I only hope one day that I'll be free_…"

To the west, the sun collapsed beneath the weight of the pregnant clouds, the full moon their only light now. To Bella, it seemed as if it were a spotlight, beckoning her to reach up and touch it, take hold of it and cut a swath through the darkness.

"_I do my best not to complain_

_My face is dirty from the strain_

_I only hope one day that I'll come clean_

_Let it rain, let it rain on me_…"

Bella stumbled, Rachel jumping down in surprise as Bella thrust her arms out to her sides, steadying her balance. _I need more. I need to do something bigger, something bolder… I need to fly_. With a laugh, she turned to Rachel, winking conspiratorially.

"We should go to the cliffs! The view would be beautiful tonight, the mist rolling over the moon-"

"Bella, Jake should be back soon-"

"So? We were going to ditch him for Hamlet anyway." Bella jumped to the earth, skipping towards the narrow pathway that cut upwards, to the higher points of First Beach. "It's too nice outside to go back yet! Here," Bella said, reaching into her pocket, "You have the flashlight! Now, are you coming?"

Rachel's long hair billowing in the breeze blurred into the moon-drenched scenery, tentacles reaching out to touch land, touch the wind. Her eyes… _God, they're so BLUE_. Her delicate hand tugged a loose wave framing her face, twirling it about her finger.

"I can't walk back alone," Rachel said softly.

"Then, let's go!"

The light of her flashlight backlit her steps as Bella darted around trees, cutting to the stream that fed through the rich forests of the reservation, nearly parallel to the shoreline. Jacob had taught her long ago that it shaved ten minutes off the climb to cut across the stream, and she had to get to the cliffs _now, now, now_. Rachel's steps fell lightly behind her, reverberating into the distance, a strange almost techno beat. _A soundtrack!_ Bella thought happily.

"Bella, we really should just go back. Jake will be worried about you."

"Jake worries too fucking much," Bella grumbled, leaping onto a decaying tree trunk bridging the fledgling stream that emptied near the La Push beach. "And quite frankly, everyone does. I'm fine. I'm always fine. Bella is just fine and dandy, the spitting fucking image of perfection." Her arms stretched out, she began to walk the trunk, her feet shuddering and stumbling. "Chief Swan's poor, sad little girl, isn't that right?"

"Your friends don't think of you that way," her companion replied, tossing her thick black hair over her left shoulder. "And you're not fine."

"You're fifteen. You have to understand that life brings pain. That's norm-whoops!" Bella giggled, slipping to the ground beside the trunk with a dull thud, her palms slapping the rich green grass. "Now, come on! I want to do something wild, something to feel alive!"

With a reluctant sigh, Rachel caught up to her, grabbing onto her hand as they sprinted along a narrow dirt path, the flashlight beam highlighting raised roots and other debris. Bella hollered happily as the trees gave way suddenly to a small clearing that spilled onto a rocky platform, about halfway up the largest crest overlooking the Pacific Ocean.

"Yes! God, the water is beautiful, Rach. Look at how the rain is rising off of it, how it churns." Noticing Rachel's nervous face, she added, "Hey, I settled for the lower rise. Closer to home, right?"

Rachel nodded, gingerly edging closer to the precipice, "It really is beautiful, Bella. A little cold, though." Her lithe body shivered in her indigo blouse, the cotton little defense against the wind and rain.

"Fuck, sorry Rachel," Bella cursed. Tugging off her hooded sweatshirt, she handed it to the younger girl, "Take it. I'm sweaty from the climb."

"Thanks, Bella…"

Bella gazed out over the horizon, breathless at the view – even more magnificent with the shrooms coursing her veins. The water seemed to rise up towards the cliffs, as if it yearned to caress her cheeks; the wind was visible to her, a shimmering blue wave of air that surrounded her, prancing about her limbs in feline fashion. The sky rumbled low, ominous murmurs of a Mother Nature not willing to play nice, but Bella wasn't afraid.

She took it as a dare.

"Can you find your way back, Rachel?"

"What do you mean?" Rachel asked anxiously, the flashlight tight in her hand as she drew the hood of Bella's sweater over her head.

Unlacing her shoes, Bella smiled, "I need to dive. But Jake would kill me if I let you, so you'd have to walk down-"

"Dive? Are you fucking insane?" Rachel screamed, lunging for Bella's wrist.

"Whoa, little one! Kiss Billy with that mouth?" Bella laughed, tugging her arm free. "I've done it before, you know."

"Not with a storm about to hit! The water's going crazy down there!"

Bella kicked her shoes to the side, passing her cell phone to Rachel, "Don't want that to get wet!" _I will fly, touch the sky, be baptized. I will wash it all away_.

"Bella, stop! This is dangerous!"

"Jesus, can't I have fun? Isn't this what teenagers do? Have fun?"

Rachel pushed into Bella's path, shoving her back towards the trees, "This isn't _fun_, Bella. It's suicide! And I won't let you leave me!"

_Suicide_. Bella frowned, shaking her head violently. _What the hell is she on about? I'm diving into water, into the ocean. It's a two minute swim to shore at best_. Grabbing Rachel's hand, she spun the girl behind her, stumbling to the edge.

"I'm not going to freaking die! Watch me-"

"Bella, damn it, no!"

It happened so fast: there was Rachel, to her left, balanced upon a jagged edge of cliff, tugging her arm. There was the moon, beckoning Bella forth, calling her name as if it were her mother, her father, her life energy. The sky was suddenly bright, stinging her eyes as she blinked, stumbling forward to where land surrendered to sky.

There was a weight, and a scream at her side, as the freefall began. There were eyes, ice blue, staring up at her in horror as Bella's body rushed to join Rachel's, gravity pulling them together. Like stars, they collided in a furious explosion of colour, then darkness, fingers grazing fingers in desperate solidarity as the current tore them apart.

Bella's arms lashed at the water, cutting swaths as Rachel drifted near the rocks, arms flailing helplessly, twitching like the fish Bella used to catch with Charlie on her summer visits. She could picture her, hair drawn in a messy ponytail, Charlie steadying her rod. _Hold on tight, Bells!_ She found Rachel's hand, squeezed it, but the Pacific sought her flesh now, her dirty, tainted flesh, and it ripped her away, dragging her further into its depths, severing their tie.

Bella tried to scream, to call for the young girl with the radiant voice and blaring laugh, and her lungs drank of the ocean, her polluted body seeking a baptism of its own. She blinked: a flash of grey sweatshirt, of denim. Blink: it was gone.

_I'm sorry, Rachel. Someone help her_.

There was unending night.

* * *

"She's coughing!"

There were voices. Lights, red and blue, strobing beyond her clenched eyelids. She did not want to see. She did not dare. Her chest heaved, her ribs aching as large hands released her, rolled her to her side. Her head ached, her hands unwilling to flex. _Am I paralyzed? Am I dead?_ The hands smelled of home, of leather and Old Spice. _Dad_?

Sobbing. Someone was crying. Why was there so much crying? She wasn't worth crying over. Squinting, Bella's vision slowly focused, tears streaming, flushing the granules of sand lodged in her eyes.

Rachel lay a few feet away, Jacob leaning over her body. _Body_. There was no other word for the way her limbs were posed, strangely akimbo, her hair matted and thick. The air was ripe with iron and salt, and Bella choked on sob. _Blood_.

"Bella?" Charlie's voice called through the din.

Jacob: her sun, her best friend. Jacob: forever striving to keep everyone happy. As he rose, he became another Jacob:

Jacob: rage, itself.

"She's awake?" His words were venom, straight to the heart. Bella fell again, through the earth, through her flesh into the soil.

The blood. The eyes, so lifeless. The crying. The screaming.

"What have you done?"

_So much blood__…_

"Jake?" Her voice was a hoarse whisper, a shadow of the girl who'd sung in the rain. Sung with Rachel.

"You killed her!"

"No..."

Charlie was there. There were words, and more hands, pulling on her, cradling her neck. There was a board, and Bella was reminded of that silly sleepover game girls played back in Phoenix.

_Light as a feather; stiff as a board!_

Her eyes remained locked on the battered beauty still upon the earth, willing her to move, to breathe, to blink. _Take me, instead. Don't do this. Fucking please, don't do this_! She remembered: Rachel had grabbed her, had pulled at her, only to startle as lightning struck several feet away. A tree sizzled. Rachel's feet gave way, her weight ironically granting Bella's wish to fly.

"Rachel, wake up." Jacob's voice cracked, his body wracked with sobs.

There was too much blood. Why wouldn't anyone clean it up? They needed to clean it off, bandage her, make her okay. Bella's eyes rolled back, her head spinning away, running faster, farther, until it broke free. In her last fleeting moments of consciousness, she begged the universe for mercy, for justice.

_Not Rachel_…

The cloak of night swallowed her silent, futile prayer.

* * *

_**Finally, the cat's out of the bag. Some of you pretty much nailed it early on; others were in the ballpark. I've dropped a lot of clues from as early as chapter 4 (!), but there it is.**_

_**How guilty should Bella feel for Rachel's death? How is Edward going to respond to what is a very painful story for her? **_

_**(Keep in mind that um... I didn't tell you the aftermath in full, yet. That's in 26)  
**_

_**Now, I delivered a lot of story. With thousands of hits per chapter, more than 10 of you could review. Motivate me here; I'm exhausted. And reviews are kind love that soothe my aching typing fingers.**_

**_Please? _**


	26. Chapter 26

_AN: _

_Okay some important admin-type stuff:_

_1) I loved your reviews, guys, good, bad, whatever. There were some great points raised and discussions on Bella's responsibility, Edward's reaction and Rosalie. Because there were some very pivotal things brought up, I blogged some review responses for you all to check out. You might want to do that before you start the chapter._

_casket4mytears[dot]wordpress[dot]com/2010/09/26/tattoos-like-mile-markers-responding-to-reviews/_

_2) There are children out there - that's how they're acting - who are harassing Ashley Greene. Alice is my favourite character and Ashley my favourite cast member, so I'm obviously very much in favour of showing her the love. There's a petition on Twitter - see mine (casket4myfanfic) - but also, send some love to AshleyMGreene. _

_Hang in there until the end notes, and as always, SM owns Twilight, and I own the original ideas and work of the story._

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

Even the woods were silent as Bella leaned against an aging tree, its branches sparsely dotted with leaves that curled under their edges. Her tears fell in a steady stream, her voice husky as she completed her confession.

"I was in the hospital when Ronan told me what the tribe was saying. The way they told it, I had made Rachel jump with me, pulled her to her… I had sent her to the grave. My dad and Ronan listened to me, but it doesn't matter. I _killed her_." Her body buckled forward, hands holding her head. "She's gone."

She did not dare glance at Edward now, not when her grievous sin had been exposed. In her mind's eye, she saw the angry faces of Jacob and his friends, jaws taut with the suppressed desire to attack, to devour. Primal animals were all that remained of the people who were once her extended family, predators who would love to see her flesh torn from her limbs. She couldn't blame them, either; she would happily lay down, jugular exposed, if it would bring them peace, but Bella knew it to be futile. No reason would ever reach hearts so damaged; her own had sealed off completely as she watched her mother murdered on a grainy CCTV recording, her body crumpling into a heap. She couldn't bear to see Edward's beauty marred by such disdain.

She heard a shuffling behind her, feet connecting with twigs and debris, and she pressed her eyes shut tightly. _Don't look, don't look; don't see the hate._ His breath exhaled in a loud whoosh, a cricket chirping in surprise.

To her, it was the deafening roar of a plane overhead.

"I… I don't…."

His voice seemed lost, small. Bella drew her arms around herself, hugging her chest to protect her battered heart. In her mind, she saw those eyes, the piercing icy blue that begged for a reason as body met body of water with staggering velocity. The eyes that lived in her nightmares.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "Fuck, I'm so sorry…"

Edward edged away from her and she winced, the air now thick and hard to draw into her lungs. _He knows. He knows how awful I am. He finally sees._ Her heart began to race, the pounding in her ears muffling the nighttime birds. Muffling Edward, the beautiful, broken man who had always seen through her frantic miming and formless whimpers, seen through her anger and snark to the Bella beneath, the one who felt like she was forever seventeen, clumsy and shy, and alone.

She had never felt so utterly alone, as she did in that moment.

"I don't… I don't understand," Edward said at last. "Bella, I don't…"

Masochism bested her and she pressed her palms to her thighs, propelling herself upright against the tree. Standing ten feet away was Edward, the man she loved, the one she _needed_ more than any other in her life. In his beautiful face, lit softly by the moon overhead, she saw an expression that she knew far too well: disappointment. Disgust.

It was Charlie's face, that wretched day when she'd awoken in the hospital, undeservingly alive. It terrified her.

"Ed-Edward?" It was all she could manage to force past her dry lips.

He remained motionless, his eyes fixed on some horizon beyond her shuddering frame, glazed over. In the darkness around them, she could see little more than those cheekbones, the angle of his chin, and the hazy green pupils swallowed by violent white. They blinked once, twice, hard and slow. But still, he did not look her in the eye.

"How could you be so foolish? Bella, my God! You drove drunk?" Edward shook his head furiously, his right foot kicking at the soil beneath it. "And you got so high that you… endangered this girl – a friend?"

"It… It was so stupid," Bella weakly replied, her stomach turning with the bile threatening to creep up her throat.

"Damn right, it was!" Edward's sudden outburst sent Bella stumbling backwards several feet in horror. "_My_ Bella wouldn't… How could you _ever_…?"

"I don't know." Her breath grew ragged, her nails digging into her palms. _Oh fuck, fuck, fuck! I knew it! I knew_…

Edward's expression twisted into one of intense agony, his hand pulling viciously at his messy locks. With a strange grunt he began to pace beside a looming trunk, his hands twitching uncontrollably and erratically. A part of her longed to reach out to him, to touch his arm and attempt to explain how badly she'd needed to drink back then, how much she wished she could wipe the slate clean and start anew, but she did not dare. _He doesn't want your explanations and excuses, Bella. There _is_ no excuse for you_! His left fist swung violently at the trunk, knuckles cracking loudly with the force as he looked to the sky, seeking something more than the pathetic woman Bella was, now that he knew her.

"Tanya was killed by a drunk driver." The words were a dagger in Bella's heart, his choked sob the twist that rent her asunder. "I l-love you, but I can't… I just can't."

"Edward, please," Bella sobbed, lunging for his arm, her hand gripping it as if it were her only hope for survival. "What can I do?"

"I just can't," Edward repeated, his hand prying hers free as he stumbled backwards. "I'm sorry but I… Two… The pieces don't _fit_."

"Tell me what to do!" Bella begged, blinded by her relentless tears. She threw herself into his path of retreat, her hands pressed together as if in prayer. "I'll do _anything_-"

"There's nothing you can do!" Bella startled as Edward's hands clutched her shoulders, his fingers rough, bruising her beneath her flimsy cotton t-shirt. "I need to go right now. I need to go. I'm sorry."

He pushed past her, his body colliding with hers in a sad echo of their first day together, when she'd slammed past him at the pub, Ronan in hot pursuit. Her shoulder burned with the understanding that life was a cycle, that every beginning reached its conclusion somewhere down the line. Her knees buckled and she fell to the earth, her fingers sinking into grass and mud, her chest heaving.

"Please don't go," she called out desperately into the night, Edward's body fading fast into the ether. "I can't do this without your love!"

Her right hand pressed against her stomach, the thick bar of her piercing poking through her shirt, the metal warm to the touch. Her stomach dry-heaved as she watched her love, her existence, make her worst fears come true in a glimmer of skin and a fiery swatch of hair drifting out of focus. Her left hand swiped futilely at her tears as she curled into a ball upon the ground, the icy shock all she could feel beyond the emptiness within her.

"Edward…"

How many times had she tried to explain this to Ronan, to her stupid therapist? How could she fault Edward now as he walked away, when she was the worst kind of selfish being? How could anyone love a murderer, a reckless bitch who held the fragile lives of others in her grasp only to squeeze, to crush them, scattering the ashes?

Her fingers dug into the moist earth, burrowing holes. Tiny little ostrich heads buried in the sand, afraid to see. She clutched her stomach, knees drawn against her arm, and closed her eyes, willing the truth away. But it remained, in sharp relief against the kaleidoscopic whirls of faces, dates and places that defined her as the failure she knew herself to be:

Edward was gone. And he wasn't coming back.

* * *

The persistent vibration of her Blackberry made Alice groan, her hand absently pawing Jasper's nightstand in the hope of silencing the dreadful little beast. Jasper murmured and turned as she pulled against his arm, nearly rolling to the ground in a tangle of sheets as her fingers wrapped around her holster, the leather cool against her flushed skin. Her eyelids, moments before droopy with the blissful afterglow of lovemaking in several rooms and positions, snapped open violently as she made contact with the device, her heart skipping several beats.

_Something's wrong. Bella_.

Struggling to a seated position, Alice tugged the lavender phone free, throwing her holster to the ground in her frustration. Two missed calls from Edward, and three text messages. _Fuck!_ Opening her SMS folder, she gasped, her hands shuddering.

"What. The. Fuck?"

Jasper groaned, rolling towards Alice's nude body, his brown furrowing as he registered her furiously typing out a response on the keypad. "Alice? What's wrong?" he asked sleepily.

"My brother is a goddamn idiot and an asshole!" With a grimace, she pressed her speed dial for her brother, unwinding the sheets from her legs as she attempted to stand up. "Answer me, Edward! Or so help me-"

"Hey, whoa!" Jasper exclaimed, now alert. "What's going on? Edward isn't…"

"Voicemail? Are you KIDDING me?" Alice shrieked, kicking Jasper's nightstand and immediately regretting it, cursing her stinging toes. "No, Edward isn't going for attempt two, Jazz. But Bella might – Edward? EDWARD CULLEN, YOU LEFT HER IN THE FOREST? As her best female friend, and yours, I'm going to kick your ass! Call me, immediately! You owe me that much!"

Jasper pulled on a pair of boxer briefs discarded near the bed, shaking his head in confusion, "Wait, what? Bella's in a forest? And Edward left her?"

Alice nodded, her body taut with anger. "Fuck! Hers is going straight to voicemail. Yes, my stupid asshole of a brother apparently had a conversation that, quote, 'I couldn't handle because of my own shit', and has asked me to kindly head to the woods and make sure Bella's okay. Can I take your car, baby?"

Jasper nodded, reaching out to embrace her, "We'll both go, Alice. Fuck, Edward's whole world is Bella; what the hell could have made him leave her, let alone in a bad way?"

"Short of her telling him she killed our mom by creating cancer, I can think of nothing remotely understandable," Alice growled. "And I plan to impart that to him with a kick to his balls. But we have to find Bella first, and fast."

Throwing her phone onto the bed, Alice quickly began dressing, grateful she'd worn a babydoll dress for its 'pull on and go' factor. Running her hand absently through her short locks, tousling them more out of nervous habit than any care for appearance, she grabbed her purse from Jasper's doorknob and tossed her phone inside. Reliable as always, Jasper was also ready to go, his rumpled t-shirt and jeans matching his messy blonde waves. He led the charge out into the hallway and downstairs, forcing his feet into loosely laced sneakers while Alice slipped into her sandals and then stepping out into the crisp September air.

The red Grand Prix was unlocked, Jasper's laziness and trust in their small town a relief as Alice threw herself into the passenger seat. Her purse made a dull thump on the floor board as Jasper slid in beside her, quickly starting the engine. Adjusting his mirrors in his compulsive way, he turned to Alice, shrugging.

"Where do we start?"

Alice tapped her foot rapidly, weighing out a strategy. "Her place. Edward didn't specify, and if he'd meant the meadow by us, he would have said that. I'm guessing it has to be somewhere obvious, and that would be my next guess."

Jasper nodded, reversing out of the drive, "Chief's place still the same house on the east side?"

"Yeah, Charlie Swan's still right where we dodged him in high school." Alice reached into her purse, fumbling for her Blackberry. "I'm going to try her again. Maybe she was on the line with Edward before?"

"Calling him Doucheward, I hope," Jasper grumbled. "Alice, I love your brother, but he's a supreme dick right now."

"You'll get no arguments from me," Alice agreed, scrolling through her recent calls and redialing Bella. "Shit! Voicemail again. I'll leave a message for her, I guess… Hey, Bella, it's me. Edward just told me what a jerk he was, so I'm going to call you until I make sure you're okay. Whatever you do, sweetie, just… Hang on, okay? Love you lots."

"Should we call Carlisle?" Jasper asked nervously, signaling onto the main thoroughfare of Forks. "I mean, I don't want to excuse him, and I'm mad as hell, but what if she _did_ say something that set off a bad train of thought?"

"I…" Alice paused, weighing the pros and cons quickly. "Not yet. Not until we find Bella. Maybe she can explain his cryptic text to me, and then we'll know… Arrgh! Jazz, he was so upset that she wouldn't talk to him about this thing with her ex in La Push. I worked out all the details in less than 24 hours for him to have an evening alone with her! What the hell happened?"

Jasper sighed, "Fucked if I know. What did Edward already figure out?"

"Not much," Alice conceded. "Something shitty happened just over a year ago and now half of La Push seems to have a nasty axe to grind with her, and it involves her ex. They even sent her a dreamcatcher, which sounds nice, except that it has some tie to the big bad, so it was more of a special little birthday torture stunt."

Jasper exhaled loudly, "What the hell is wrong with people? Jesus! That's such bullshit."

"Agreed, baby. I don't care how pissed you are; you don't torment a depressed girl. That's just sadistic."

"Aly, where's the turn?"

Alice looked up, waving her hand to the right, "Next right, fifth house down. I wish she'd answer her phone. I have a really bad feeling…"

"Bad like Edward?" When Alice nodded, Jasper reached for her hand, his fingers interlacing with her own. "We'll find her. You found him." His left hand steering the car into the police chief's driveway, Jasper reflexively tensed. "But you talk to the Chief. Makes me freaking nervous."

Alice leaned over, kissing his cheek quickly. "I love you, Jasper Whitlock."

"I love you, Alice Cullen. Let's do this."

They walked briskly up the gravel driveway to the wooden porch, painted years ago and now peeling, the raw pine beneath exposed. _A crumbling façade,_ mused Alice, _Just like Edward_. Her hand reached out tentatively, hovering briefly before knocking loudly, three sharp raps. She tugged at her hair, twisting the tiny locks about her index finger as she and Jasper listened for signs of life. The cruiser outside suggested Charlie Swan was home, but it was hard to say. Impatiently, Alice pounded on the door, five loud bangs before Jasper seized her wrist, gesturing to the window above them.

A light was now on.

"Come on…" Alice whispered.

There was a strange creaking noise, a scuffing, and then the door opened. Charlie Swan stood in an old flannel shirt and sweat pants, his hair rumpled and his eyes weary. They had definitely woken him up, but Alice knew when it came to Bella, he wouldn't mind. Bella had said some mixed things about her father – vague comments she refused to flesh out upon prodding – but Alice sensed that Charlie was simply inept at demonstrating his affections. With a frown, Charlie stepped onto the porch, staring at Alice.

"Bella's not here," he grumbled.

"I know," Alice said softly. "She's… I'm not sure where she is. I need your help."

Charlie's eyes widened, the vein in his forehead now visible as his eyes darted between them. "What do you mean? She's supposed to be with Edward – your brother. Where is he?"

Alice stared at her feet, "I don't know that, either. But he and Bella had some sort of disagreement, and he asked me to look after her." _Edward, you better appreciate this_. "All he said was that she was in the forest near here. Is there somewhere Bella would go?"

Charlie visibly blanched, "She's alone in the woods? There's bears in the woods. Wild animals." He stepped back into the foyer, fumbling in the side table drawer and withdrawing a flashlight. "I know a path, just down the road. Lots of kids go there. I think it's where Bella used to drink."

With that declaration, Charlie Swan pushed past them, rushing down the driveway and veering left, crossing diagonally with little regard for any possible oncoming traffic. Alice let Jasper pull her along, her tiny legs struggling to keep pace walking until she gave up and began to lightly jog. The beam of light danced along the thick treeline ahead, revealing a small parting of brush and a narrow worn pathway delving further into the woods. Jasper tapped her arm as they fell in line behind Charlie, pointing to fresh tire tracks in the soft soil. _Edward. We have the right place, at least_. Charlie was muttering incoherently ahead of them, likely cursing her brother – and rightfully so. Alice resisted the urge to send several colourful texts to him, knowing that it wouldn't do Bella any good. _At least he told me to come find her_, Alice sighed, her hand bracing against a branch threatening to take her eye out.

"Why would she go this far in?" Charlie grumbled. "She hates this place."

"Maybe she wanted to be alone?" Jasper suggested.

"She has a goddamn bedroom for that!" Charlie snapped. "And if she's gotten lost, your brother is in incredibly deep shit – and that'll be Ronan, before I give him a piece of my-"

"Charlie!" Alice interrupted, pushing ahead of him. "Help!"

It was her hair that had caught her eye – the faintest shimmer of auburn in the farthest reaches of the flashlight – but it was the ragged, shaky breathing that confirmed for Alice who lay upon the earth beneath a looming tree, curled into a ball with her face pressed to her knees. Alice knew the sound painfully well: it was the sound she'd made when her mother died, stifling her sobs in her pillow to avoid her family coming to check on her. The thumping of feet behind her grew louder, catching up quickly as Alice fell to the earth, brushing the hair from Bella's swollen, tearstained face.

"Bella, sweetie, it's Alice," she whispered.

Bella shuddered beneath her touch, her head tucking further into her knees. Alice scarcely detected a mumbled, "Go away," before Charlie stepped in, instinctively reaching for her wrists. _The suicide check. Been there_, Alice thought sadly.

"Bells? Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

Bella sobbed loudly, shaking her head violently. "He's gone. He's gone…"

"Bella, did you take anything?" Charlie's voice was gruff, but pained, as he scooped her up slowly, cradling her against his chest.

"No…."

Her voice was so weak. Alice stifled a sob of her own as Charlie held her tightly, kissing the top of her head. Where Bella had lain moments before, her cell phone remained in the dirt, the indicator light blinking notice of Alice's calls. Tossing it into her purse, Alice and Jasper followed Charlie mutely as he carried his daughter back to the road, Jasper's arm wrapped protectively around her shoulders. Bella was broken; whatever had transpired here tonight was serious, perhaps – and this made Alice ache even more – a permanent separation. _What does she mean, he's gone? Edward didn't say they broke up!_ Reflecting upon what little she knew, and how delicate Bella's mental state had been lately, Alice realized that even if Edward had said he needed time, or some other bullshit movie of the week line, Bella would take it as total and utter rejection.

Bella did not speak as they made their way back to the Swan home, Jasper jogging ahead of them to hold open the door for Charlie. A grunt of thanks was Charlie's only acknowledgement of their presence, his mind fixed solely on his daughter's welfare. Alice followed them up the stairs, helpless and frustrated, but unable to leave. _I have to look after her. I have to know why he did this to her_. Charlie kicked at Bella's bedroom door, stumbling slightly as he lowered her onto her bed. She immediately coiled herself into a ball, face buried in the pillows, as Charlie tugged off her muddy sneakers.

"Is she okay?" Alice asked pensively. "Physically, I mean?"

Charlie reached for Bella's wrist, eyeing the clock on her nightstand. "Pulse is a little weak, but she's cold. Bells?" Charlie's hand reached for Bella's chin, forcing her to face him. "Bells, do we need the hospital?"

"Uh-uh."

"Isabella Marie, be honest," Charlie insisted.

"No," Bella whispered. "He's gone."

"Where did he go? I have a shotgun with his damn name on it-"

"NO!" Bella wailed, her fists tugging on her father's sleeves. "NO! IT'S MY FAULT!" At this, she collapsed into noisy sobbing, her foot kicking against the mattress like a child.

"Bella? Bella, talk to me," Alice pleaded, to no avail.

"I should take her to the hospital in case," Charlie grumbled.

"No need," Jasper said firmly. "Why don't we go call Carlisle, Chief Swan? Alice can get Bella changed maybe into warmer clothes?" Jasper stared at her pointedly, and she silently thanked him. _He's giving us time alone, for me to try and reach her_.

"I wouldn't want to trouble the doctor at home," Charlie protested weakly.

Alice smiled weakly, "My dad's just finishing his shift. He loves Bella; he'd come anyway for her."

"Alright, then. We'll be back, Alice." Charlie squeezed her shoulder gently as he left, a dramatic gesture of emotion for someone as stoic as Bella's father. "Thanks."

Alice settled onto the bed gently beside Bella, her hand reaching out to grasp hers, humming softly as she waited for Jasper and Charlie to reach the bottom of the stairs. Her ears satisfied that they were afforded a brief privacy, Alice whispered softly as she leaned over her friend's shuddering frame.

"Bella, what happened?" At her furious shaking of her head, Alice continued, "Bella, I'm your friend right now, not his sister. He said he was going to try and talk about the stuff with Jacob."

At this, Bella turned in surprise, her eyes wide with fear, "H-he t-t-told y-you?"

"Only that they were being complete shitheads to you. He didn't know why, but he was really worried about you." Alice brushed the tangled strands of hair from Bella's face, forcing a smile, "Sweetie, we need to get you changed into something cozy. Can you stand up?"

Bella shook her head, "I'm so _tired_…"

"I'll help, okay?"

Alice rose slowly, crossing to the antique dresser adjacent to Bella's desk. Rummaging through the drawers, Alice found a pair of green flannel pajama pants and a white tank top mixed in with a wild assortment of bras and underwear. Returning to Bella with the clothing, she placed it on the bed, extending her hands to her.

"C'mon, sit up."

Bella slowly reached out to Alice, who gently pulled her into a sitting position. Without bothering to ask for her input, Alice reached for the hem of Bella's damp tee, tugging it over her head and tossing it to the floor. Bella flushed with embarrassment as she was left in her bra, her skin pimpled with gooseflesh. Alice hummed an old song by The Cardigans she knew Bella liked as she slid the tank top over Bella's head, gently helping her arms into the sleeves and pulling it down. Bella remained silent, save sniffling loudly as her tears fell in rivulets, as Alice pulled a Ramones hoodie from a pile beside the bed and helped Bella into that next.

"Lie down," Alice gently ordered Bella.

"S'okay; just leave me-"

"I won't do that," Alice insisted. "You need to get warm, Bella, or I will make my dad put you in the hospital. You can't stand, and I can't hold you up because I'm the size of a twelve year-old, so lie back, please?"

Defeated, her pupils wide at the word 'hospital', Bella allowed Alice to switch her pants from jeans to the flannel, raising her hips just enough to allow the exchange. Alice could see that it upset Bella to need anyone, but what she didn't recognize was that Alice _needed her_. And if dressing her would help, then that was what Alice had to do.

"I knew he'd go," Bella mumbled sadly as Alice gathered the dirty laundry and lumped it into a hamper in the closet. "I knew…"

"Bella, my brother is an asshole," Alice rebutted. "Although he did tell me to come find you, so he knew you'd be… well, this."

"H-he… P-pity, I g-guess," Bella sighed.

Alice stretched out alongside Bella, smoothing her hair as she struggled to comfort her friend – her sister, really. "He knows he's being a dick. That's why he told me; I always look after his mistakes for him."

Bella closed her eyes, her hands fidgeting with the pillows, "I t-told him… and he didn't understand." Her breath caught as she stifled a gasping sob, pausing to collect her thoughts. "They all hate me, too. Even Dad."

"Bella, what happened in La Push?" Alice asked.

"NO, no, no, can't! You'll leave me!" Bella wailed, clinging suddenly to Alice as she pressed her head against Alice's chest. "I can't lose everyone!"

Alice held Bella tightly, "God, Bella, no! Never! I promise you that on Jasper's life, okay?"

"No," Bella whimpered.

"Okay sweetie, you don't have to tell me, okay?" Bella nodded furiously, her tears hot against Alice's skin. "Do you want me to stay here tonight?"

"N-n-no, y-you don't h-have to-"

"I _want _to. We'll listen to music all night." Alice looked up as Charlie and Jasper entered the room, Jasper nodding to indicate that Carlisle was en route. "Do you need some water or anything?"

Bella shook her head, "No... No."

"Well, I'm a little thirsty. Jasper will stay right here while your dad and I go get some stuff. Is that okay?" As Bella lifted her head, nodding and swiping at her tears, Alice smiled. "Jazz, can you help her pick out some music on the laptop? Bella and I are having a girls' night tonight."

"Absolutely," Jasper answered, reaching down to kiss Bella's forehead. "Whatever you need, darlin'."

Alice nodded to Charlie, leading the way out of Bella's room as Jasper cued up what sounded like the soundtrack to the Buffy musical episode on Bella's laptop. _Bella won't tell me, but Charlie has to. I can't understand what would make Edward run like this!_ Their footsteps echoed through the otherwise quiet house as they descended, Alice struggling with how precisely to approach what was obviously a painful event.

"Your father said he would be by in twenty minutes. Said he'll bring something that will get her to sleep," Charlie said, his tone all business.

Alice sighed, leaning against the wall of the kitchen, "Chief Swan, I know that this is probably the last thing you want to do right now, but… My brother wouldn't just leave her like that. Not unless it was something big." Taking a deep breath, Alice opted for the 'blurt it out quickly' approach, "What happened in La Push with Jacob?"

Charlie grimaced, blinking hard, "What?"

"You heard me," Alice said emphatically. "Whatever it was, she told Edward tonight, and he left her. All he would say to me was that it set off something in his own past. If that thing is something that could push him over…"

Charlie sighed, thrusting his hands into the pockets of his sweats, "Yeah… Yeah. Bella won't like it."

"You can lie and say I dragged it out of Ronan, but Charlie, I need to know. We need to put together what happened with these two people we love so much." Alice blinked away a tear forming in her right eye, steeling herself for Bella's sake. "Please?"

Charlie nodded. "Bella didn't take her mom's death very well, after she moved here. She had nightmares, crying fits – normal grieving, at first. But then she just… I tried, you know? But then she seemed to be talking to Jake and Ronan, so I stepped back and let her have room, I guess." Charlie shook his head. "Stupid. She started drinking – a lot of drinking. I didn't even notice…"

Alice winced, the gears shifting in her mind. _Oh, shit. No. Bella didn't_…

"Anyway, on Renee's birthday, the second after she passed… I guess Bella got very drunk, and drove out to see Jacob. He left her there with his little sister, Rachel, and came to get his dad from my place. He mentioned that she was in bad shape, and I realized why. When we got back to the reservation, though, they were long gone. Rachel texted Jacob about them walking the beach, so we followed them out." Charlie swallowed hard, "There was a bad thunderstorm brewing. It began to rain harder as we searched. There's a lot of gossip and whatever, but as Bella tells it, she decided to cliff dive on a whim. She was on some drug… she said she'd taken it to feel something different from sadness. Rachel told her not to… They struggled a bit."

"Oh, God…"

"It was an accident, Alice," Charlie stated firmly. "Bella was stupid, and she dragged along a young girl who looked up to her, but she told Rachel to go home. She was foolish, and made a mistake. And she paid for that, by us burying one of her closest friends."

"She was drunk and on drugs?" Alice asked quietly.

"Yeah," Charlie sighed. "Look; the Quileutes have every right to be upset, and Bella might be guilty of bad choices. But we're all guilty, for not seeing how bad it was… They think she made Rachel jump, you know."

"That explains the attack on the beach," Alice mused.

"The what?" Charlie's face flushed. "Did someone hurt my daughter?"

Alice grimaced, "I don't know the details. Ronan and Edward put an end to it. But Charlie, she was drinking, and someone died."

"Yes."

Alice sighed, "Tanya. It set him off about Tanya."

"Who's Tanya?" Charlie asked gruffly.

"Edward's first girlfriend. They probably would have married, down the road, but there was an accident, a few years ago-"

"Tanya Denali?" Charlie asked. "I remember. The other driver was this spoiled brat home from college. He was… Shit."

"Drunk. He was driving drunk, and struck her car. She died that night." Alice glanced up the stairs, where Bella waited for her. "Charlie, Edward doesn't even drink a drop of booze if he has to drive. He won't let anyone else do it, either, not after Tanya…"

They stood together, each lost in their own thoughts, reconciling the information the other had provided. _Edward wouldn't have been able to look past Tanya and see Bella was in pain_, Alice reasoned. _That jerk who hit Tan was just a partier and stupid. It was different._ Although Alice knew that Bella had screwed up, she also could see how she suffered for it now. _She needs a friend, not a judge and jury._

"Will he… Will he talk to her?" Charlie asked.

Alice sighed, "Edward is stubborn as hell, but I'm more stubborn by miles. And even if I understand what made him bolt, don't for a minute believe my asshole brother is off the hook for this." Alice stared at Charlie, "He'll be praying for your shotgun instead, when I'm done with him."

_I may be tiny, but I'm a tiger, Chief. Edward has definitely woken the proverbial sleeping giant with this blunder_, Alice thought angrily. _But tonight, it's about Bella._ _Tomorrow, however, is another day_…

* * *

_*ducks and runs for cover* Trust me, guys. Trust me. Trust Alice, too. _

_And **before you review**, I'd like it known that I spent time chatting with three other people about this chapter and what was to happen, and unanimously, it was agreed that I couldn't change Edward's reaction because it wouldn't be true to the character established. I have to, as a writer, stay honest, even if I, like Alice, am unamused with one Doucheward._

_*winces* Click review and let Edward have it! If you could say something to him right now, as Alice, what would YOU say?_

_Follow me on Twitter: casket4myfanfic or follow Doucheward and Bella's account: ForkedUp  
_


	27. Chapter 27

_AN: _

_It's pretty unanimous: whether or not you could empathize with Edward freaking out about Bella's revelation, especially right after visiting the place where Tanya was hit, he's definitely a first class Doucheward and in the dog house with all of you._

_This chapter elapses almost 48 hours (Edward left Bella late on September 28th), and gives us a look at how both Bella and Edward are reacting and coping. It is extremely musically driven, but what else would you expect from these two?_

_Songs Key To This Chapter:_

_You'll Know You Were Loved - Lou Reed_  
_Fuck Was I - Jenny Owen Youngs_  
_In The Snow Shirley Manson_  
_Pandora's Aquarium - Tori Amos_  
_Angelene - PJ Harvey_  
_Wake Up Arcade Fire_  
_Northern Lad - Tori Amos_  
_I'll Keep Your Memory Vague - Finger Eleven_  
_Make This Go On Forever - Snow Patrol_

_**Stay tuned to the end notes!**_

**Playlist! casket4mytears[dot]wordpress[dot]com/2010/05/11/tattoos-like-mile-markers-breaking-down-the-playlist/**

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

_September 29th __4:38 a.m._

"You have three new messages... First message: _Edward? EDWARD CULLEN, YOU LEFT HER IN THE __FOREST__? As her best female friend, and yours, I'm going to kick your ass! Call me, immediately! You owe me that much!_... Message Deleted. Next new message: _Edward, it's Aly. Look, the Chief told me about the Rachel mess, and okay, I get it; it reminds you of Tanya. And God, I understand why that still hurts you. But leaving Bella in a goddamn forest alone was fucking cowardly, and you know that! Dad had to sedate her... Edward, look, just call me, okay? I need to know you're breathing. Love you_... Message Deleted. Next new message: _Edward, it's your father. Son... Look, I'm not going to tell you what is right or wrong to feel, but your sister is very worried, and so am I. Could you respond to one of us and just check in? I love you..._ Message deleted. End of new messages."

Sleepless night. When weren't the nights sleepless, without her beside him? Nothing beautiful lasts. It never has and never will.

She needed him. He needed it not to be true. He couldn't see her face, those rich chocolate eyes framed in auburn waves, without seeing the matted hair and ashen features of the first woman he'd loved. The first he'd slept with. The biggest burden of guilt. The one stain he simply couldn't wash away from his murderous hands.

Tanya wouldn't let him stay with Bella. He couldn't will his heart to stop aching for her.

Edward took another gulp from the bottle of Grey Goose, shuddering as the alcohol burned its way down his raw throat. Maybe he could will his heart to stop beating, Maybe he could wash it all away.

Carlisle was right; he was too fucked up to love anyone properly. He was too hardened, too unforgiving. _But a fifteen year-old girl died! She died, because Bella was too fucked up to care for her!_ From the iPod dock, Lou Reed's gritty voice sang to him, the normally nails on a chalkboard sound fitting:

"_Now you take Roscoe; he ain't much  
People say things are ruined after his touch  
It's like a tar was dripping from his brush  
But you'll know you were loved..._"

Maybe love wasn't enough. _Don't think; just drink_.

* * *

_September 29th __11:01 a.m._

"Hello?"

"Hi Bella, it's Alice. How are you feeling?"

Bella groaned, her head throbbing from the potent sedative Dr. Cullen had forced into her veins. "Like Lady Gaga's meat dress the morning after: pulverized. What did you want?"

"To check on you, of course. I was wondering if you wanted me to swing by. We could watch some Glee, maybe?"

Alice's voice was soft and hesitant, as if Bella were glass. _Oh, __Alice__. You can't break what was never whole to begin with._ Running her hand through her tangled hair, Bella yanked the covers over her head, blocking out the light streaming through her curtains. _Dark things belong in the shadows_.

"Alice, I think I just want to try and sleep. My head's pounding, and I... But maybe, if you don't..."

"What do you need, Bella?"

"Never mind," she mumbled, regretting even thinking she could ask such things of anyone. _Killer. Ruiner. You deserve nothing_.

"Bella, I'm your friend," Alice insisted. "There is nothing too much to ask, okay? Well, except maybe a private jet to Europe. I don't have that much in the bank. But whatever else you want, ask me, okay?"

Bella bit her lip hard, drawing blood. Her tongue flicked out, the saltiness both nauseating and nourishing. _He's her brother. I can't make her choose. But..._

"I... I don't want to be alone. In the dark. It's stupid-"

"No it's not," Alice interrupted. "I'll be over at nine, okay? We'll snuggle up and make fun of the Jersey Shore cast or something."

"Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Alice."

"Anything you need, sweetie. I'll let you go rest, but Bella? One thing?"

"What?"

Alice hesitated briefly, "Let it out. With music, I mean. Lyrics are language."

Bella sighed, fighting back the tears that welled up anew, "Yeah. I will, Alice."

"Love you, Bella! See you tonight."

Bella's hand fumbled for the night stand, dropping her phone into a soft pillow of tissues and the tangled mess of house keys and key chains tossed there by someone the night before. She had no other messages waiting. _No Edward_.

It was the longest they'd gone without contact since the night they met.

She noticed, peering out from the tented comforter over her head, that her laptop lay on the floor nearby, the screensaver blinking and swirling. Her limbs stiff, she stretched and contorted, pulling the familiar friend closer to her, tugging it with both hands now up onto the bed beside her. Opening her browser, she watched her Twitter page load, eyes frantically searching for _him_.

There was only one comment, the time stamp two hours' prior.

**_Doucheward: Tink stop fucking calling. What part of "I don't feel like talking right now" is hard to grasp?_**

No message for her. Not that she expected one. Alice had sent her a link to a song and she opened it, edging the volume louder as the strange lilting melody beckoned her broken heart.

"_Love grows in me like a tumour  
Parasite bent on devouring its host__  
I'm developing my sense of humour__'  
Til I can laugh at my heart between your teeth  
'Til I can laugh at my face beneath your feet..._"

"Perfect."

Her fingers flying across the keys, Bella turned to the only comfort possible when the centre of her existence had refused to be her gravity: music. One song after the other, she grieved through music, pleaded to Edward, Alice's words ringing in her skull. _Lyrics are language_.

**_"Love's supposed to hurt..." /~wos9p_**

**_"I am not asking you to believe in me. Boy I think you're confused; I'm not Persephone..." /~wp32g_**

**_"Prettiest mess you ever seen..." /~wp3bv_**

Her father knocked on her door, a light rapping that somehow called to mind Poe's _The Raven_, leaving her stifling a crazed laugh. His eyes were weary again, Bella recognizing that familiar look from when she'd first come home from the hospital after... after the truck. In his hands, he brought a bottle of Vitamin Water. Triple X - her favourite.

"Hey, Bella. I thought you might be thirsty. I heard the music..."

"_It seems so far away  
I've seen men come and go  
Two thousand miles until I reach that open road..._"

"Um, yeah, thanks," she mumbled, averting her gaze. _I keep making his life hell. He doesn't deserve a daughter like me. He deserves an __Alice__. _

Setting the bottle down with a thump, Charlie plunged his hands into the pockets of his worn jeans, "So, um, you hungry at all?"

"Nuh-uh." Bella searched another song, hitting preview on the first result. "Aren't you supposed to work today?"

"Took a family day," Charlie replied. "You shouldn't have to be alone right now, not after Ed-"

"_Don't say his name. _Not out loud," Bella pleaded. "Just... don't."

"Alright, Bells. Did you want me to call Ronan, or is he coming over...?"

Bella shook her head, "My head hurts, Dad. I just really want to listen to music and sleep. Is that... okay?"

Charlie nodded, "Sleep is good. Did you need anything? Dr. Cullen said he would call it in."

"No, no more drugs... Not those ones. But, um, Alice is staying over tonight."

Charlie smiled faintly, "I like her. She's always welcome here." With a scan of the room, he reached down to push Bella's hair out of her face, "Well kid, if you need anything, I'm downstairs."

It was her favourite thing about her father: he never tried to push her into talking about things, or smother her with affection. He was simply... there. If she wanted. If she needed him. With a sad sigh, Bella returned to her music, singing along softly with her hoarse voice.

"_Our bodies get bigger, but our hearts get torn up__  
We're just a million little gods causin' rainstorms, turning every good thing to rust  
I guess we'll just have to adjust..._"

* * *

_September 30th __12:45 p.m._

It was a flood of music, of misery. Misery he'd created.

He'd hit play on her profile, each song she'd shared more damning and painful than the next. If this were a film, the soundtrack carefully resonating the plot, it would be right about now that the scorned and betrayed lover would be smashing in the windshield of his car in a desperate need for retribution, but also to be _seen_.

He'd broken her. There was no hope now in reaching out to her, in trying to reconcile the conflicting images in his mind. Bella, the feisty, loving woman who understood his erratic moods, who held him when he cried like a pathetic asshole, who Alice loved more than him now. Bella, the woman who'd risked the lives of countless others on a regular basis, and had finally managed a body count in her quest for self-destruction. Two Bellas. How could there be two? How could both women fit in the same body?

The counter was littered with empty bottles of vodka and scotch surrounding an equally empty pizza box. The breakfast, lunch and dinner of the worthless drunken champions, of which he was now one. His phone buzzed and beeped, shuddering on the lid of his piano as he staggered towards it, hands jamming at the keys, opening the alert.

_Andy. __1p.m._

"Fuck!" Edward shouted, kicking another bottle across the floor. It cracked against the floorboard, opened like an egg.

_Guess I need a cab. 'Spose I need another run to the booze bin anyway._

The cab driver eyed him strangely as he slid into the backseat, head lolling against the cool leather, but he thankfully didn't bother to strike up a conversation. He was having one of his own in his mind, a raging war between a strawberry blonde, a drunken depressive shithead and a curvy brunette wielding a guitar.

The women were winning against him, of course.

Time shifted, blurring in and out, until he was in the familiar leather chair adjacent from Andy, not quite sure whether he'd walked into the office or teleported himself. Teleporting seemed more likely. Or maybe the cabbie had mugged him and rolled him onto the curb. Edward no longer cared. His black t-shirt had clung to him for two days now, rumpled from sleeping on the couch. The bed was off limits now; it smelled of _her_. Of _his_ Bella.

"Well," Andy began, clearly annoyed, "I take it that you haven't had a good week since we last spoke?"

"What was your first fuckin' clue?" Edward retorted, blinking hard to clear his vision. _Ah. Only two eyes now. Better._

"Well, between the stench of you and your pupils refusing to focus properly, never mind the obvious slurring of your voice, I'd say you've been drowning something in your shot glass," Andy replied, leaning on his desk. "So, would you like to explain to me why you've shown up drunk to our session, Edward?"

"It's your fault," Edward mumbled. "You tol' me to keep tryin' to make her talk."

"Did Bella break up with you, Edward?" Andy asked gently.

"Noooo," Edward answered, dragging out the sound and laughing sarcastically. "But I think she's through with me now. Either way, if we'd just stayed fuckin' quiet, we'd be happy."

Andy leaned forward, his eyes narrowing, "What happened, Edward?"

"Shit got fucked with Bella's ex and his freakin' monster friends," Edward began. "But Bella wouldn't tell me why she was so scared, or why they were ready to break her face. So Rosalie - you 'member my brother's fiancée? She's kinda cool - said I should tell Bella about somethin' that scared me. Like tradin' secrets. So I did-"

"And what secret did you tell her, Edward?"

"Not important," Edward grumbled, "Jus' 'bout Tanya, and how she crashed her car an' died. People die, right? Accidents happen?"

Andy hesitated, then nodded in agreement, "Yes, they do. After you told Bella about Tanya, she spoke about her ex and these men who wanted to hurt her?"

"Yup," Edward said, popping the 'p', "And turns out doc, she used to drink an' drive, all the fuckin' time! Took drugs, too! And this girl, the ex-guy's sister? She cracked her skull an' drowned 'cause Bella thought drinking and flying off a cliff was a grrrrrreaat way to spend a night!"

"How did you react to this admission of hers, Edward?"

Edward refused to speak, shaking his head. _Noooo way. Not gettin' a lecture from him, too_.

"Edward," Andy pressed, "Bella is a troubled woman, and she made a very big mistake, it seems. It must hurt her a lot if she wouldn't even tell you about it. Did you try to help her?"

Edward shook his head, "There were too many."

"Too many of what?"

"Too many Bellas!" Edward snapped. "Bella wouldn't be like that, all drinkin' and drivin'. Bella doesn't kill. It was 'nother Bella. I can't make 'em fit." He sighed, staring at his shaking hands. "The puzzle's diff'rent."

"Where were you when she told you? At your home?"

"In th' woods," Edward slurred. "I left her. It's why I know she won't forgive me, even if I make 'em fit. I left her alone."

Andy sighed, "Edward, is Bella okay?"

"Sent Alice. Aly fixes it all. Always has." He paused, staring out the window beside him. "Aly didn't love Tanya like I did. She can have one Bella. I have two."

"Tell me about Tanya, Edward."

"No, doesn't matter."

Andy shrugged, "For someone who doesn't matter, it seems her death has affected you so deeply that you're drinking heavily and unable to relate to a woman you told me you'd like to marry someday-"

"Can't marry two Bellas. They don't fit!" Edward yelled.

"Edward-"

He rose, stumbling against a wall, pressing his head to the cool wall, "Fuck off..."

"A drunk driver killed Tanya, Edward?"

Andy was behind him, blocking his only path towards the exit. He smelled of peppermint and musk, his gangly body a looming barrier in Edward's blur of words and whirling colours. _I need more scotch_. Tanya was there, all strawberries and wine... no, not wine. Blood. Covered in blood.

"_You killed me_," she whispered. "_Your love kills_."

"Edward?"

"She wouldn't 'ave been driving, if I wasn't an ass," Edward whispered, his voice cracking. "That guy woulda jus' made his turn and gone home, fell down on his lawn an' passed out." A sob ripped from his chest, echoing in his skull. "My fault..."

"Who crashed into her, Edward? Did you know him?" Andy's hand was upon his shoulder, steadying his wavering frame.

"Some college frat kid," Edward spat. "Partyin' all day 'n night."

"Edward, you're having trouble standing. Would you please sit back down?" Andy asked gently.

Edward shrugged, allowing himself to be led back to the chair, his body dropping into the seat with a squishy thump. _Lemme fall. Who cares? Already fell so far down_.

"Did Bella tell you why she was drinking that day, when the accident happened?"

Edward shrugged, "She was upset 'bout her mom's birthday."

"Why does her mother upset her?"

"'Cause she died! She didn't have a birthday anymore."

Edward rolled his eyes, wishing this damn man would just stop with the fucking questions and let him go back home, where he could be at peace with his journals and his music. And more scotch.

Andy remained silent for some time, which exasperated Edward further. _This is what my dad pays for? Some nerd in glasses who thinks he's Ben fucking Folds sittin' here, asking too many stupid questions and givin' me no answers? This is a joke!_ When he spoke at last, Edward had to grip the handles of the chair, lest he reach out and strangle the damn shrink.

"It sounds like, from everything you've told me about her, that Bella was screaming for help, but no one heard her. Not until she finally made a mistake that no one could ignore, not even Bella. That's a different ball of wax than a kid who partied too hard and didn't take a cab. Maybe there aren't two Bellas, Edward; maybe there are two _Edwards_. And the Edward who knows that he loves Bella, who knows that her accident was a different tragic situation, he's fighting a war with the Edward who blames himself for losing someone important every bit as much as the reckless driver who crashed his car into her."

"Shut up," Edward growled.

"No, Edward; I won't do that. Because I think your extreme reaction to drinking and driving goes deeper. It's about extreme self-loathing. I think that your guilt won't let you love Bella and forgive her for making a huge mistake, one that probably hurts her as much as losing Tanya hurt you-"

"I didn't smash into her car!" Edward screamed.

"But something you did makes you blame yourself for her being on the road; you said as much. Am I right?"

Edward shook his head, struggling to stand, "Fuck off, Andy! I'm d-done."

"Yes, Edward; we _are_ done for today," Andy affirmed, "One of the conditions we agreed to for therapy is that you come here sober and ready to work. Your intoxication today is failing to meet the responsibility you have to yourself and to me."

"Whatever," Edward mumbled, reaching for the door handle.

"Funny, isn't it?" Andy called out after him. "You get drunk when you're unable to process your emotions. For someone who feels so strongly about drinking and driving, that seems a little poetic, don't you think?"

Edward refused to respond, slamming the office door behind him and jamming on the elevator hall call. His cell buzzed, an incoming text message, and he fumbled to open it. _Alice__. Fucking __Alice_.

_E, if you won't talk to me or apologize to Bella, then I'll have to make you talk_._ Your choice_.

"Fuck her," Edward grumbled, stepping into the elevator, "An' fuck Andy, too!"

What he said didn't matter. It didn't make sense. What did it matter if he wanted to drink? Wanted to just fucking silence the voices in his head for a few moments? Andy didn't know shit. He didn't know Edward and he didn't understand that there were _two_ of them, in his head, crying and pleading.

He pressed his palms to his ears in vain, willing them away. _Home_. He'd be alright, if he could just get home.

_Bella used to be home_.

"Shut up," Edward whispered. "She's lost..."

Where was home?

* * *

_September 30th __2:12 p.m._

The guitar was her best friend now, the one thing she could hold onto when Alice needed to work or run errands. It wasn't often that Alice left her side now, and for that, Bella felt guilty. Alice had a boyfriend, a life, family and friends to attend to. Who was she to manipulate Alice into believing she needed her to baby-sit her weepy, lonely shell of a self?

_You're always trouble, Bella. She'll leave too. Just wait._

Today, Alice had taken off for a lunch date with Jasper, but only because Ronan was coming over to see her. Well, see was a little bit of exaggeration; Bella had an appointment with Michelle in Port Angeles, and the mere thought of the place where Edward lived left her a sobbing wreck on her bedroom floor. Someone else would have to drive her, and she refused to let Charlie take more time off work. _I've caused him enough trouble for one life_, she thought sadly, tuning the instrument.

Ronan had given her shit for not calling him immediately, but a man wasn't what she needed now. Alice understood that sometimes, talking about it just couldn't make the seething monster in her heart relent. Alice held her as she slept fitfully, popping Ativan several times a day now to remain calm.

Ronan and Edward also wore the same cologne, a fact she omitted when she'd called him that morning.

They would take her truck, Ronan driving them in. He said he had an errand to run at the shop during her appointment and then he would pick her back up, the two of them headed back to Forks for a night of Tarantino and popcorn, her choice. She had to choose something. Tarantino didn't write love stories. Tarantino was safe.

Strumming a few notes, Bella exhaled the breath she'd been holding, and began to sing:

"_Had a Northern Lad__Well, not exactly had  
__He moved like the sunset; god, who painted that?  
First he loved my accent  
How his knees could bend  
I thought we'd be okay, me and my molasses  
But I feel something is wrong_

_But I feel this cake just isn't done  
Don't say that you don't  
And if you could see me now  
Said if you could see me now  
Girls, you've got to know when it's time to turn the page  
When you're only wet because of the rain..._"

Bella sobbed, pausing to swipe at the tears streaming down her cheeks. _Turn the page_. How could she ever say goodbye to Edward, to his piercing green eyes and the way his arms felt across her chest when they slept? What kind of world would it be now, without his fierce opinions on music and the delicate touch of his fingers on his piano keys?

"_He don't show much these days  
It gets so fucking cold  
I loved his secret places, but I can't go anymore  
'You change like sugar cane,' says my Northern Lad  
Well, I guess you go too far when pianos try to be guitars..._"

And she had changed, in his eyes. He saw her now as she knew herself to be: a monster, someone who couldn't be trusted, someone who didn't know how to not destroy everything and everyone around her. In Edward's eyes, as he'd fled her side, she saw that even he had been destroyed by her confession, by her hideous act.

Why had she even tried to let him in? _You can't save what's already dead_. Why did he try to do just that? Bella let the guitar fall to the carpet beside her, her arms wrapping around herself as she rocked back and forth, eyes pressed shut. _Mom, I need you so much. I need you here, with me_...

"Bella?"

She gasped, hands flailing as Ronan stepped into the living room, in his familiar white tee and leather jacket, jeans splashed with mud. _He must have taken his bike today_. His eyes locked on hers, seeing through her in that annoying way that often made her scream, but not today. Today, words hurt too much to speak aloud, even worse than the jagged slash along her abdomen, a rushed affair while Alice made them tacos the night before.

"Oh, honey," he said softly, sinking to the ground beside her.

And she was in his arms, sobbing uncontrollably against the safe warmth of his shoulder. His hands smoothed over her hair as he cradled her against him, pulling her onto his lap as if she were a child. She felt small, confined, protected. It was Ronan's best gift, this soothing embrace, and she needed it now more than ever before.

"Bella, honey, you should have called me sooner," Ronan insisted, "Shhh. I'm here... I'm always here for you..."

"H-h-he l-l-left," Bella stammered, gasping for air. "I-I tol-tol-told y-you..."

"He never should have done that," Ronan stated emphatically, his voice laced with anger. "Sweetheart, you are loving and kind, talented, clever-"

"F-fucked up," Bella interrupted, shaking her head furiously.

"So are we all," Ronan replied. "Why else would I piss Emily off so often? She's the best fucking thing to happen to me, and I constantly push her buttons, like some sadistic fucker wanting to see what would happen if he launched a nuclear bomb. Bella, you don't deserve this."

"Uh-huh," she murmured, struggling to breathe. "I k-k-killed R-R-Rach-"

"Lightning and slippery cliffs killed her, not you! Bella, you need to talk to Michelle about Rachel, okay?"

"N-no-"

"You won't trust me when I tell you that it was just a really fucking shitty accident to come out of a stupid, shitty day," Ronan continued. "She has no reason to lie to you. So let her tell you the same thing."

Bella sighed, fumbling in her pocket for a tissue, "We're g-gonna be l-late."

Ronan kissed her forehead lightly, shrugging, "You pay her well enough to wait around, I'm sure. But we should get going."

"I s-snotted your shirt," Bella lamented, brushing at her eyes with the crumpled tissue she'd found.

"I'll live," Ronan shrugged, helping her to her feet. "My birthday's soon; buy me a new one."

"'Kay." Bella followed Ronan reluctantly out to the driveway, clutching her purse strap as if it were a rosary, thumbing the soft leather. "R-Ronan?"

"What, sweetie?"

Bella felt her chest tighten, and reminded herself to breathe. "Why won't he c-call?"

With a deep sigh, Ronan hugged her tightly, "Because he's a fucking asshole, that's why. And I plan on telling him that whenever I see him again. C'mon Bella; up you go."

Obediently, Bella allowed Ronan to boost her into the passenger seat of her truck, too weak to protest that she was a very big girl and could handle it by herself. _He wants to be useful. And I'm so tired...So tired_. The stereo kicked on as Ronan revved the engine, adjusting the mirrors and buckling himself in, and Bella winced. Too raw. Too close to home. But Alice had said to let it out with music, to let it speak for her. So Bella leaned against the window instead, crying silently, each word a perfect poison arrow in her black heart.

"Bella, should I change it?"

She shook her head, "No... I need to cry."

She would never cry enough tears to wash this away, not if an ocean spilled forth from her body and carried everyone she had hurt, or would inevitably hurt, far away from her guilty hands. But it was perhaps enough to drown herself in. And the band played on...

"_Now I'm thinking back to what I said before  
I hope your heart wont have to hurt anymore  
'Cause it's really not that sad from here  
Because the moments I can feel you near  
They keep you close to me, my dear, and if they ever become too clear  
I'll keep your memory vague, so you won't feel bad about me_..."

* * *

_September 30th __4:25 p.m._

Johnny Walker Gold Label was officially Edward's new favourite scotch.

It was smooth, rich, and bitchslapped the tears from his weary eyes, leaving him alone in his reverie on the couch, absently flipping pages of worn leather journals. In smashing half of the items in his bedroom the other night, he'd yanked a drawer free of his dresser and the tomes had tumbled loose, reminders of his darker days. Glass in hand, he read his own words, scratched out in messy ink, echoes of a ghost.

_I try to stay angry at this shit, this Alec bastard who thought it was a brilliant idea to knock back a case of beer in three hours then drive home to his ridiculously irresponsible parents. I try to remember that he committed a crime, even if __Carlisle__ says the most he'll see is a year behind bars and several more of probation, thanks to his daddy's money and politician friends. He's a killer. He struck her side of the car with so much force, her body was pinned in the passenger seat when they used the jaws of life to extract her battered form. But I don't blame him. I blame me. I'm a fucking stupid, jealous prick. How could I have ever accused Tanya of those things? Tanya wouldn't even kiss her male friends on the cheek without permission in high school! _

_Edward, you're a fucking idiot! _

_You know you've lost your shit when the third person seeps in. Because if you can't talk to yourself as yourself, then who the fuck are you?_

_I wish I'd left angry, instead of her. I wish I was the one she'd buried, not me watching her lowered into the earth. It's not like I've done anything worth my existence. I wish I could just be brave, just rip my goddamn skin off and let it all bleed away. But I'm a goddamn pussy. I am everything wrong with this world. And she was everything right_.

"And it only got worse," Edward mumbled, knocking back the double shot he clung to. "I'm a fuckin' joke!"

The music from his iPod dock ended, and Edward rose wearily from the couch, staring at the display for several minutes before he understood the silence. _Ah. Playlist done_. Balancing his empty glass precariously on a stack of CDs nearby, Edward stumbled to the piano, nearly sliding straight off the bench as he attempted to sit down. With a bitter laugh, he pulled himself upright, his fingers caressing the keys lightly. _Music. I need music_. Automatically, his fingers flexed and moved, chords and notes falling into a familiar melody, with which he sang along, off-key and proud of it.

"_Please don't let this turn into something it's not  
I can only give you everything I've got  
I can't be as sorry as you think I should  
But I still love you more than anyone else could_..."

And he did. Every beat of his heart felt laboured now, and Edward was pretty fucking sure it wasn't just the acute case of alcohol poisoning he was well on his way towards. And wouldn't that be fitting, to die of alcohol poisoning, after alcohol had poisoned his love life, over and over again?

"_All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight  
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right  
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long  
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong_..."

Fuck his stupid shrink. Fuck him and all his clever little conclusions, and how he thought he could see into Edward's psyche. He knew he was a piece of shit; he didn't even need Alice's texts and voicemails to tell him so. Why else did she think he sent her to Bella? For fun?

The moment he'd reached the Volvo, his breathing ragged, he knew he'd blown it. He'd proven them all right about him. Except Bella. He'd proven her wrong.

"_The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could  
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything  
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned  
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love_..."

Edward froze, hands collapsing in an unceremonious chord from hell, as his head struggled to rewind, something striking at his heart. _Fuck... What was... Why does that seem so...?_ He pulled viciously at his hair, wincing as a memory cut through him like razor wire.

Bella. Bella begging.

"_I can't do this without your love_!"

Love. Fucking hell! _The final word in the final sentence_... Slamming the lid down over the keys, Edward began to pace, his body shuddering with rage and revulsion for his actions, for his inability to get a goddamn grip and be a _man_, be _her_ man.

He had kicked her to the ground with his words, and still, she had loved him. Loved him as he walked away.

It was a very good thing he'd never purchased that gun from that guy at the bar in July. A bullet through his temple seemed only just, in light of his crimes. _Judge, jury, and no means of execution. _But those weren't his thoughts anymore, were they? Wasn't that why he'd marked his shoulder?

_She marked you. Remember?_

Yeah, he remembered. And he needed another drink.

The cacophony in his skull grew, even as he poured another double, his hand scarcely able to support the weight of the bottle. _Is this how that guy Nick Cage played felt in Leaving __Las Vegas__?_ Tanya's cries, Liz's pleas, his mother's soft, weak voice, Bella's begging - it was all at once now, a symphonic rendering of Edward Cullen's epic failure as a member of the human race.

Maybe this was what madness was.

His heart pounded now, a kick drum accenting each woman's harmony. He slapped his ears, kicked the kitchen cabinet door until it splintered, but nothing would make the noise stop. The drum grew louder, rapid fire shots to his stomach, until it lurched wildly, nearly spilling its sloshy contents onto the tiles beneath his feet.

It then dawned on him that the drum was coming from the apartment door. _Oh._

It didn't, however, dawn on him that opening the door might be a bad idea. In his mind, it was his mother, coming to tell him that it was all a horrid dream, that she was alive, that Tanya was happily completing her thesis in California, that Alice had never had to crack his rib to keep his heart beating. In his mind, there was a single Bella once more, and she wanted him, needed him. Neither of these women greeted him as Edward threw open the door, the motion blurring his vision momentarily.

It was just enough time for him to not see the fist that connected violently with his right eye, driving him backwards and through the glass DVD cabinet door behind him in a shower of prismatic particles and splintered fragments of wood.

"Get the _fuck_ up. I'm only just beginning with you..."

* * *

_Oh, Doucheward! You really didn't think you'd get off easily, did you?_

_Follow me on Twitter - casket4myfanfic_

_Tweet Broken Bitchella and Doucheward your thoughts and music - ForkedUp_

**_Now, a couple of announcements:_**

_1) I finally finished Through The Looking-Glass, my story that tracks Alice and Jasper while they're gone in Breaking Dawn. It's a sequel to new established canon for New Moon in my tale Down The Rabbit Hole, but if you've never seen either, they're available._

_2) I have resurrected my scary tale Deliratio, a crossover of Twilight into Silent Hill, AU AH. Some of you might remember this one; I pulled it because I didn't think I'd ever finish it. PLEASE check it out, and come have a little spooky time for October._

_Reviews are love, and totally make my day! :D_


	28. Chapter 28

_AN: _

_When we last left our Doucheward, he was taking a nasty shot to the face... But from who? While many of you were in agreement, guesses included Alice, Ronan, Emmett and Jasper. _

_Who was it? Let's find out!_

_As always, SM owns Twilight. I do not. _

_Songs referenced in this chapter:_

_Help, I'm Alive - Metric - www[dot]youtube[dot]com/watch?v=we_czU9sJ3g&ob=av2n_  
_Beautiful Goodbye - Amanda Marshall - www[dot]youtube[dot]com/watch?v=T1VinBlssgg_

**Important end note coming!**

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

"Get _up_!" Ronan demanded a second time, slamming Edward's apartment door behind him. "We have a hell of a lot to settle, Cullen."

Edward cursed inwardly, his palms pressing against the floor as he struggled to his feet. The alcohol numbed the pain of a dozen tiny cuts, slivers of glass piercing flesh as his shoes skidded and nearly slid out from beneath him. _Ronan. Fuck._ He'd forgotten entirely just how protective Bella's 'big brother' could be. His eye began to swell immediately, Ronan's jab having landed perfectly, obscuring his already hazy vision.

"Ronan," he mumbled. "Lemme explain-"

"No, Edward; you're going to let me explain a few things first," Ronan interrupted, his face flushed with anger. "And you're going to look me in the goddamn eye like a man, instead of the frightened selfish child you were when you abandoned Bella."

Edward reacted instinctively - or perhaps drunkenly - to Ronan's aggression. In a moment of absolute stupidity, Edward's fist shot out, hoping to make contact with Ronan's set jaw. In a blur of motion that left him queasy, Edward wailed as Ronan seized his arm and wrenched it behind him, his shoulder strained to the limits of the connective tissues within.

"Let's try this again!" Ronan snapped. "I ran with gangs for three years in L.A. before I moved here. If you doubt that I know seventeen ways to kill you with my bare hands, by all means, keep fucking fighting me!"

Edward whimpered, his body growing slack as his stomach churned. _Bad idea. Bad, bad idea. _In his mind, Bella was shaking her head, auburn waves tumbling side to side. _"Doucheward, keep your damn temper!"_

"Sorry, Bella," Edward mumbled, "Won't 'appen 'gain."

"Bella?" Ronan sighed, shaking his head as he caught a whiff of Edward's breath. "You change your name to Jack fucking Daniels, Edward?"

Ronan released his arm, shoving him mercifully onto the couch, Edward's legs flopping upwards before settling to the ground with a dull thump. His shoulder still ablaze, he was helpless to protest as Ronan scoured the living room before stepping into the kitchen, where he found new reasons to shout.

"What the hell is all this? Are you _trying_ to kill yourself, Cullen?"

"Maybe," Edward muttered, head lolling back against the cool leather. _Probably_.

Ronan emerged from the kitchen, clutching the half-empty bottle of scotch that remained, "Did anyone ever tell you that you're a goddamn black pot to match Bella's kettle?"

"Huh?"

"You're a bloody hypocrite, Edward!" Ronan angrily declared, storming back into the kitchenette. From within, Edward could hear the distinct and rather disturbing sound of liquid pouring into the sink. _That's... not a good sound. That's a sad, goodbye booze sound_.

"Hey," Edward protested weakly, struggling to stand, "That's mine!"

Ronan returned to the living room, his gaze fixed on Edward's clammy face as his hand shoved him backwards, Edward's legs buckling. _Fine; I'll sit, then_, Edward thought angrily. A droplet of blood trickled down onto his wrist, the glass embedded within it now beginning to sting.

"Edward," Ronan began, struggling to contain his anger, "Do you know how many times I've had to pull a bottle away from Bella, all the while listening to her whine that it was 'hers', that she 'needed it'? Do you know how many times I've stolen her keys from her purse to make sure she didn't drive?" Ronan sighed deeply, his eyes glazing over as if remembering some distant time. "Too many fucking times. Know how many times I told Charlie he should get her into rehab? None."

"She wouldn't have gone," Edward said, picking at the glass in his left hand. "Too stubborn."

"Maybe so," Ronan conceded. "But we could have forced her into it. We could have had her declared unfit to make decisions or whatever it's called. Charlie's a cop, Edward; he'd know how. But I didn't say shit. Jacob didn't say shit, either. Even Billy Black, Jake's dad, didn't have the balls to tell Chief Swan that his little girl was a disaster waiting to happen. You know why I'm telling you this?"

Edward shook his head, "No, and you poured out my scotch, so do me a favour. If you're going to kick my ass, just fucking do it. My head hurts too much for this shit."

Ronan huffed, "Yeah, I did want to kick your ass. I promised you that I would, didn't I? Didn't I tell you if you hurt her that I'd come knocking on your door? But seeing this," Ronan paused, glancing around at the garbage and broken bottle on the floor, "I realize that there's no point. You're already doing a damn fine job of hurting yourself _for_ me."

"Peachy. No go the fuck away, an' leave me alone!" Edward snapped. Anger, he was fast discovering, was unfortunately sobering for him.

"Can't do that, Cullen. Not until you open your goddamn eyes and see what you're doing."

Edward growled, struggling to his feet, "You think I don't know? You think I didn't know the moment I got in my fuckin' car that I was a worthless piece of shit? A pussy? You think I haven't seen her Twitter flooding with song after song that tells the story of how I broke her?"

"No," Ronan said quietly, "I think you do know that much. I think you know that leaving a woman who depended on you - a woman who doesn't trust anyone easily - in the most fragile of states was a huge act of stupidity and cowardice. What you don't seem to fucking understand, Edward, is why you really ran away."

"It was too much!" Edward insisted. "It was Bella, and Tanya, both of them in my head, wanting and _wanting_ from me. And none of it made sense! Bella isn't stupid, but she _was_ stupid! And I just saw bodies, bloody, mangled bodies in my fucking head that wouldn't go away, wouldn't stop screaming. I couldn't see how Bella-"

"Shut up," Ronan snapped. "It wasn't about Bella at all. Alice told me about Tanya, Edward. I am truly sorry for your loss, and I understand how much it hurts to have someone ripped away from you. My mother was gunned down by some little shits trying to take my neighbour out over drug money owed. I held her as she died, man. I will _never_ get the blood off of me," he added, his voice cracking. "I still see it, sometimes, on my knuckles."

"I-I'm sorry-"

"I don't want your apology or sympathy," Ronan snapped. "I want you to wake the fuck up and understand that when you left Bella, left her somewhere she wasn't safe, you weren't running away from her, or from what happened with Rachel Black. In your head, man, you saw yourself. You saw Tanya dead in your mind, not Rachel. And like every guilt-driven man, you ran away."

Edward shook his head, pushing past Ronan to stare out the picture window of his living room. "No... No, I..."

"Ever hear of Freud, Edward?" Ronan pressed. "Or hey, let's go with an easy one. If you can answer one simple question for me in a logical fashion, I'll fucking walk out of here right now, and never bring this up again."

"What?" Edward snapped, pressing his bleeding hands to the glass.

"Bella used to drink as much as she did to escape her pain and guilt over her mother. You're drinking right now, as you've always done since I met you, to drown your sadness and guilt. Why is it okay for you?"

Edward shook his head furiously, "I don't drive-"

"Fuck the driving shit! Don't give me that. You've picked more than your fair share of bar fights, buddy, from what Alice tells me. You put me to shame, and I'm Irish! Why do you wanna fight so damn much when drunk, huh, Edward?"

"Fuck you, Ronan," Edward spat.

"Because you want to _hurt_. Because secretly, there's a part of you looking to check out, but you won't let him speak up anymore-"

"Shut _up_," Edward growled, kicking the wall.

"Just like Bella would hope to roll her goddamn truck over a cliff and stop breathing!"

"No more," Edward whimpered, blinking hard as tears began to fall. "Just go, _please_..."

Ronan's hand gripped his shoulder, spinning Edward around to face him. "You didn't kill Tanya, Edward. Bella didn't kill her mother, or Rachel. And projecting all of your guilt onto a concept, like drunk drivers, won't make the guilt you feel go away. It's just a band aid solution to the fact you need professional help."

"But," Edward whispered, "But I... I..."

"You fought. People fight, Edward. Bella had PMS and didn't feel like driving around with her mom all day. Shit happened beyond the control of either of you. As much as the two of you, in your freakish similarity, like to believe you are responsible for the fate of the world, _you aren't that important_! If you'd fought on the phone and Tanya had tripped down her stairs after hanging up, would you blame yourself for making her too angry to handle walking?"

Edward frowned, "That's different."

"No, it really isn't. It's an accident. If Bella and Rachel had been just standing there and a gust of wind made Rachel fall, would Bella be responsible for the wind? Fuck, no. If you called Bella right now, said something dumb, and she slipped in the shower while crying, would you blame yourself for being drunk and mean? Or would you laugh together over her clumsiness as they stitched up her head?"

Edward struggled through the haze of booze and physical pain to carefully weigh Ronan's words, their strange parallels with Andy's theories meshing with his own worst fears into a whirling cascade of words and emotional turbulence. Was it possible that Andy was right about his theory, that the woods had not seemed overwhelming because of there being two women where once just one stood, but two men?

Had he run away from Bella in some twisted attempt to outrun himself?

"If you're going to blame someone for Tanya, blame the fucker driving. But Bella didn't kill anyone while driving, Edward. She didn't make Rachel fall. If that lightning didn't strike when it did, it wouldn't have startled them. Rachel probably would have run for help, and Bella would probably be dead, instead. In fact, if you wanna blame anyone for Rachel, blame her brother. Blame me."

"You?"

Ronan anguished face turned away, his hand releasing Edward, "Like I said, man, we should have made her get help. We had a year to see the signs and do _something_. Of course, Bella won't see it that way," Ronan added sadly. "She takes all the blame, without hesitation. She never tried to correct the Quileutes about how Rachel actually fell. Bella, being Bella, simply allowed them to scapegoat her and demonize her, because if it would help them feel better, it was the least she thought she could do She took the insults, the rumours, the hateful phone calls... Hell, she would have let Sam slug her if it made him feel better that day, you know that?"

Edward frowned at this, the once constant and all-consuming desire to protect Bella, to keep her safe, flooding him, "If he'd done that, I would have killed him with my bare hands. Bella's sick! It's not like she..." His voice trailed off, the realization sinking like a stone in his stomach, "Oh, God... I fucked up. Ronan, I fucked up so bad."

Edward slumped to the ground, unable to see through the tears as he curled his fists, wincing as he drove a sliver of glass deeper. _He's right. He's right. I ran from her because in my head, she was like... me. And I hate myself! I fucking hate myself for hurting Tanya, for hurting Liz, for hurting __Alice__... And her. I hate myself for hurting Bella. I'm so STUPID!_

"Hey, Edward, people fuck up," Ronan said, kneeling beside him, "But people forgive, right? Forgive mistakes, if people are sorry?"

_Bella made a big mistake, but if anyone is sorry for ever fucking up, it's her_. Edward shook his head, looking to his bloody hands. _We all have blood on our hands, of some kind. I promised I'd take care of her_.

"Bella won't forgive me," Edward sobbed, bowing his head.

"Shit, your hands are a mess," Ronan mumbled, examining them. "And yes, yes she will. Because just like you, she's blaming herself for you walking away. She won't speak a bad word about you at all, and she won't listen to anyone else shit on you, either. You're sickeningly perfect for each other, if you'd both stop wallowing and start standing together!"

Ronan rose to his feet, his boots thumping down the hallway towards Edward's bathroom. He listened as Ronan ran water and slammed cupboards, cursing under his breath over something down the hall. _Bella shouldn't forgive this. I let her down. I failed._ The urge to swipe at his tears was met with infuriating rage that doing so would drive glass into his corneas, and he began to pick at a larger sliver embedded in his right palm.

"Doctor's son, through and through," Ronan joked, returning with a washcloth and a first aid kit. "Best fucking kit I've seen in a house without children, man. Give me the hands."

Edward reluctantly obeyed, feeling weak as Ronan used a set of tweezers to remove the six shards lodged in his hands, placing the bloody glass on a large square of gauze. With a gentle cleaning by washcloth removing the worst of the blood, Ronan nodded to himself, closing up the case.

"Those look pretty closed, all in all."

"Thanks," Edward mumbled.

"Well, I did throw your dumb ass through a glass door," Ronan noted, shrugging. "Seriously, Edward: if you know leaving her was a shitty thing to do, why haven't you called her?"

"It seemed... It's too late to make it okay for her," Edward explained, his voice low, "You said it: she doesn't trust people. How would she trust me again?"

"With time, asshole. God, you two hurt my head," Ronan complained. "Alice said you'd be exasperating, but fucking hell!"

"Alice? What do you mean?"

Ronan smirked, "You don't think I just found out today about your asinine move, do you? I only waited until today because Alice told me to give you a little time to do things right. Granted, she didn't know I planned to leave a few shiny bruises on your face, but she knows I came here today."

_The text message_. Edward groaned, shaking his head in anger. "Fucking TinkerHell."

"Hey; you lay off her! Who do you think has been trying to keep Bella from going off the damn deep end?"

"I'm going to owe her another purse, aren't I?" Edward asked.

"Probably a whole fucking outfit, bro," Ronan agreed. "You should call her; she's worried about you, even though she's pissed about Bella."

"Yeah, I should, but... Bella would talk to me?" Edward sighed, "It's been two days."

Ronan nodded, "She might be hurt, or aloof, but if she heard your voice, heard you tell her that you bailed over your own shit, not hers... It would do a world of good. She's in a bad way, Edward. I've seen this before, that vacant look she gets, and last time... Well, just fucking call her, okay?" With a deep breath, he nodded. "Anyway, I have to go. Bella should be out of her appointment soon and I have to drive her back to Forks."

"That's right; she sees Michelle the same day I see Andy..." Edward's voice trailed off. "I should come with you."

Ronan froze at Edward's door, the knob gripped tightly in his hand. "What?"

"She needs to see how sorry I am," Edward insisted. "I owe her this in person. Maybe she can blacken the other eye," he joked weakly.

"Yeah, that shiner's gonna hurt. Look, it's up to you. But I have to hurry, and you know how slow her damn truck goes."

"You guys took the truck?" Edward winced, "I really wish she'd replace it."

"It's her pride and joy, for some reason," Ronan said, rolling his eyes. "Go change your damn shirt, too; you stink, Cullen."

Edward sniffed his shirt reluctantly and gagged. "Um, yeah. Two seconds."

Edward stumbled down the hallway to his bedroom, sobering up slowly as he reached for the emerald green t-shirt Bella always complimented him on. _I can do this. I will get down on my knees and tell her I never should have just left. I should have taken her home, or taken her to __Alice__, anything but leave her lying there. And then she can kick me in the gut, and I will accept that. _Tugging the tee over his head, he reached for his deodorant, nodding to himself. _I have to earn back her faith. And I have to get my shit together. For Bella_.

"Cullen!" Ronan shouted.

"Chill out! I'm coming!"

_I'm coming, Bella_.

* * *

Bella stared out the window of Michelle's office, watching cars glide by on the road, her tired eyes blurring them into a streak of colours. She sang softly, her fingers tapping out a melody on the window pane, willing her mind to stop spinning with images of knives and blood.

"..._Help, I'm alive. My heart keeps beating like a hammer_..."

Every second, breathing felt harder, the movements of her chest exhausting what little energy she still possessed. She patted the pockets of the hoodie gently, inhaling deeply as she buried her face in the lining. _Edward_. His scent lingered everywhere, her bedroom riddled with emotional landmines. And just like a child, she couldn't resist pressing her fingers into the flame, just to touch, just to hold that flicker of light remaining.

"..._Hard to be soft; tough to be tender_..."

The door creaked open behind her and she startled, stumbling backwards. "Sorry about that, Bella; my conference call with a colleague ran a bit late."

"Sure."

Bella sat down reluctantly in the chair, staring at her fingers. Each nail had been bitten until the cuticles were raw and bleeding. It was her only way to resist the sharp objects that seemed to be everywhere, taunting her and glistening. A metal smile.

"Bella, you seem upset," Michelle began. "Did something happen since our last session?"

Bella frowned, "Can I not just feel shitty? Must there be a damn reason for everything?"

"Of course, there could be no specific reason," Michelle replied, "But I've seen you on days that are simply hard, and days where you're troubled by something in specific. It's a different look on your face today, and it worries me."

Bella rolled her eyes, raising them to glare at Michelle. "Fine; you kept telling me to trust Edward with my secret, so I did. And _like I kept telling every damn one of you_, he left me! I was right, and you were all wrong. There you go, Michelle; there's my reason for feeling _upset_. My reason for living just walked out on me, because he knows I'm a murderous bitch whose fucking drama has a body count!"

"Bella, I'm so sorry to hear that. Would you like to tell me what happened?"

Bella laughed bitterly, "Would I like to tell you what? That I was a goddamn drunk who got too high to stop one of my best friends from slipping off a cliff during a storm? That her brother wishes I'd died instead? That my father is still disappointed in me, that I still have nightmares once a week of her face beneath the water, of the way her blood stained the sand? Or hey, let's talk about how Edward's first love died because of a _drunk like me_, only he smashed into her car! Yeah, that was a little upsetting, watching his heart break while staring at the tire tracks on the road-"

"Bella, slow down," Michelle urged.

"-But my favourite part of the last week was when Edward looked me in the eye and told me he couldn't stay with me, even as I begged for him to, even when I fell down and just wanted to _die_ already!" Bella broke into sobs, her words slurred between gasping breaths. "I broke his heart, and he broke mine back, and there's nothing to live for now, no hope of things ever being more than purgatory. So why try?"

Michelle rose from her seat, kneeling beside Bella's chair and passing her tissues from her desk. "Bella, what did Edward say to you, exactly?"

"Doesn't matter," Bella wailed, "He didn't stay. He hasn't called. He doesn't want me anymore." Her voice fragmented, tiny cracking soprano notes, and she pulled more tissues from the box, burying her face in them.

"Edward loves you, Bella. He needs time, especially if he's been touched by a death involving intoxication," Michelle said gently. "I don't think you should assume the worst until he tells you, explicitly, that he wants to end your relationship."

"Jacob loved me. He loved me, and he left me," Bella protested. "His _face_... I disgusted him. God, he just... He couldn't even _look_ at me anymore..."

"Disgusted who?"

"Edward!" Bella shuddered, pulling viciously at her hair. "He was so... But what did I expect? I hate me, so why wouldn't he?"

Michelle shook her head, "Bella, you hate yourself because you are filled with so much guilt, it's toxic. But you can't be held responsible for the weight of the world. Did you directly and intentionally cause someone physical harm?"

Bella groaned, "Just because I didn't shove her over the cliff doesn't mean I'm not responsible for Rachel! I'm the idiot that dragged her up there! You just have to placate me with this shit because you're paid to make me feel better. Edward... He knew me, wanted me without anyone telling him to, and he ran. He left. And what's the point of getting better, when I can't make Rachel come back, or make everyone stop hating me, or have Edward with me... or anything beautiful? Why live in misery? What's the goddamn point?"

Michelle calmly and firmly responded, her hand on Bella's arm, "You have to get better for _you_. You have to live life for yourself, and the rest follows later. Bella, would you please answer me honestly: have you thought of harming yourself?"

"Ha," Bella huffed, "I already did that. It's all I think about."

"Where did you hurt yourself?" Michelle asked gently.

"Oh, I'll show you, if you're so curious!"

Bella responded flippantly, no longer consumed with appearances. _She's the doctor for the crazy, right? Might as well show her some crazy_. Unzipping her grey hoodie, she lifted her white t-shirt, revealing a three-inch jagged slash, secured by butterfly stitches. The wound was still gleaming red, fresh from the night before. It had bled for several soothing minutes before she'd quickly tidied up, knowing Alice would soon come snooping. Michelle winced, examining the wound with a furrowed brow.

"You should let a doctor take a look at that," she commented.

Bella snorted, tugging down her shirt, "Oh, sure. I'll just call Edward's dad up. That'll be swell!"

"That's a very angry wound, full of sadness and rage."

"It's just a cut," Bella insisted. "Anger would be slashing my throat, or something far more dramatic. I'm just a drama queen, after all; the audience wants a show."

Michelle tilted her head, "Have you been thinking of suicide, Bella?"

"Not your business," Bella muttered.

Michelle shook her head, "Bella, it _is_ my business to help you through painful times, help you keep safe while we work towards healing you. You signed an agreement at the start of our working relationship that indicated you understood I would have to act to protect you from harm. I believe you are in danger of causing serious harm to yourself right now, Bella. And I don't blame you for feeling so horrible, in light of all that's happened. I can arrange a safe place for you to rest for a few days-"

"Wait, what?" Bella rose, her body trembling in fear. "No way, Michelle. You can't lock me up!"

"Bella, we have options we can discuss-"

"You can't _cage me like an animal!_" Bella screamed. "Fuck you! No way!"

She threw herself into the waiting room, running for the door as Michelle called her name, scrambling to follow her. Darting out to the left, the glowing red Exit sign beckoned her, and she ran, propelling herself down the five flights two steps at a time, her heart pounding. _No way, no way, no one's locking me up. They won't let me out. They won't ever let me leave! It'll be Girl, Interrupted, only Girl, Forgotten. No. Fucking. Way!_ There were no sounds of pursuit above; Michelle had either taken the elevator or gone for the phone, probably to call her father. _Ronan better be back. I need to get out of here. I need to hide._

Bella slammed into the crashbar, the autumn sun blinding as she stumbled into the side parking lot. Her red truck loomed twenty feet away, the cab empty. She ran towards it, nearly ripping the handle off in her haste to crawl into the driver's side. With a laugh, her hand reached down and turned the keys. _He literally just went upstairs. Timing!_ The engine sputtered briefly and roared to life, the familiar idiosyncrasies of her baby a relief. _I'll just wait here for Ronan, and we can go back to Forks, play a little music, maybe get high. As soon as he gets back down-_

Bella froze. If Ronan saw Michelle, she would tell him about her plans to fly Bella over the cuckoo's nest. He would probably listen to her, too. He would _help Michelle_ lock her in some hell hole! Shaking her head violently, Bella checked her mirrors and threw the truck into gear. 

"Sorry, Mick. But there's no way I can be locked up alone. Not now. Not ever."

Bella floored it, pulling the vehicle onto the road and quickly switching lanes for the Forks interchange. With a little luck, she'd manage to reach home before Charlie did, and could gather a few things to hold her over, or... whatever. Her bank account had a decent pocket of cash, her credit card clear. It would buy her time to decide what to do next.

* * *

Edward was pretty sure his nose was broken.

He was also fairly certain he didn't care. Not now.

"...She ran out of her so fast; it was too much of a head start," Michelle was explaining, her eyes wide with panic. "You literally just missed her."

Ronan pushed past Michelle into her office, storming towards the window. He growled and kicked the wall in frustration, his hand plunging into his jeans pocket.

"She's taken the truck! Fuck!"

Moments before, he and Ronan were on the elevator, the plan being for Ronan to wait in the reception area and prepare Bella for Edward. Instead, the door had opened and Michelle had slammed into Ronan, driving his elbow straight into Edward's face, knocking him against the rear wall. Clutching his nose, he'd begun to curse violently, only to fall silent at the look of terror on the face of Bella's therapist.

The words ebbed and flowed through the haze of scotch and agonizing pain, but he could pick out enough to know that Michelle considered Bella a suicide risk. There was talk of a hospital. She needed one, Michelle was insisting.

But first, they had to find her.

"...Voicemail. Not shocking... Bella, it's Ronan. Where'd you go? You've stranded me here. Come back and get me; I have important information about Edward-" At this, he locked eyes with Edward, urging him not to speak. "Bella, call me now. Love you."

"We should head for Forks," Edward said quietly, his heart sinking. _No, Bella wouldn't... _She'd told him in the meadow, after Jessica left, that she didn't want to hurt Charlie like that. Bella was a fighter. She was just really upset.

Ronan's worried expression wasn't helping at all in his mission to talk himself out of panic.

"She's not going to talk to me," Ronan sighed. "She knows I've talked to you, Michelle."

"Which means she's aware that I would be calling her father," Michelle concluded, worried.

"Forks is out, then," Edward sighed. "She'll look to hide. She's scared. Where would she go, Ronan?"

"Angela, maybe?" Ronan guessed. "Emily's too close to me, and Alice would call Charlie, right?"

Edward rose to his feet, willing himself to remain steady on his feet. "Then what are we waiting for? Let's go!"

"Um, we don't have a vehicle, Cullen, remember? Bella jacked it?" Ronan snapped.

"My appointments are done for the day," Michelle said, "I can drive you somewhere, if you need me to."

"Thank you!" Edward exclaimed in relief. "My place is closer, Ronan; we can go get my Volvo."

"Yeah, alright. But I'm driving," Ronan replied, staring pointedly.

"As if you had to fucking say so," Edward muttered.

The two men followed behind the gentle-faced woman with the nervous hands clutching her purse and keys, neither of them willing to speak aloud of their worst fears. Edward didn't need Ronan to say it aloud; it would only make it more real, more possible. If Michelle genuinely believed Bella needed to be hospitalized, she had said something dire enough that her life was hanging in the balance. As the elevator door slowly closed, Edward felt his breath catch in his throat. _We don't have much time_.

It was in his veins, this innate pull that warned of a storm on the horizon. And this time, he wasn't sure Bella would survive.

* * *

The drive normally took two hours, but Bella had managed it in seventy minutes, the roads fairly clear and her foot a dead weight on the gas pedal. The stereo was blaring loudly to drown out her frantic thoughts of white straps and electroshock machines, Bella feeding and ejecting CDs from her case every ten minutes or so. Her mind was racing, unable to focus on much beyond her purpose, her mission.

This was long overdue.

The mix in the player flipped tracks to Johnny Cash and Bella immediately jammed on the eject button. _Edward loves Johnny_, she thought sadly, tossing the disc to the passenger floorboard. Her right hand fumbled through the wallet, her eyes watching for her turn-off, due in about three miles, if she remembered properly. It had been so long since she'd taken this route, the directions were hazy at best. She was relying on body memory to carry her the rest of the way.

Charlie would only check the local interchanges, she knew. At least, initially. This was the only safe course.

A lone CD tucked in the back of the wallet caught her interest and she pulled it out, bringing it to her field of vision to examine the label. She gasped and drifted halfway into the next lane briefly before correcting herself, ignoring the honk of a Ford pick-up 100 metres behind her.

The label read, simply, _Rachel_.

Bella remembered the CD, and also why it was tucked in the back of the wallet, presumably not to be noticed again. It was a mix she'd made the day of her funeral, songs to accompany her private grief in the backyard, since she'd been barred from La Push's memorial. They were all songs Rachel had loved, but also songs of farewells. They were songs she would have liked to sing to Rachel, sad lullabies to her lost friend. So Bella had stolen a bottle of wine from Charlie's cabinet, picking the lock, and had drank and sang for Rachel. A private Irish wake for a young Quileute, gone too soon.

Life had a sense of irony, Bella noted, as she inserted the disc into the player and, once more, sang to Rachel's ghost.

"_Fed up with my destiny and this place of no return  
Think I'll take another day and slowly watch it burn  
Doesn't really matter how the time goes by  
'Cause I still remember you and I, and that beautiful goodbye_

_Staggered through these empty streets, laughing arm in arm  
The night had made a mess of me; your confessions kept me warm  
And I don't really miss you  
I just need to know: do you ever think of you and I  
and that beautiful goodbye?_"

Bella's fingers drummed the wheel as she veered right, the exit depositing it her on the coastal road leading southwest. Her voice was hoarse and broken, like her hollowed heart, but she continued to sing, her eyes avoiding the cliffs to her right.

"_When I see you now, I wonder how I could have watched you walk away  
If I let you down, please, forgive me now  
For that beautiful goodbye..._"

The song changed form, a mourning of more than one woman, more than the Bella that her father had always wished she would be. She mourned Edward as well, mourned the loss of the one person who had completed her. She had loved Jacob, loved him deeply, but she had never been _in love_ with him. It didn't make his rejection any less agonizing, nor did it make life without him any easier to know this truth. What it did do was make Edward's absence an exquisite torture even during their time together.

"_In these days of no regrets, I keep mine to myself  
And all the things we never said, I can say for someone else  
And nothing lasts forever, but we always try  
And I just can't help but wonder why we let it pass us by..._"

The house came into view ahead, the wooden porch as much in need of repair as she remembered it. A dusty black pick-up was parked outside on an angle, the porch door pulling against its weak hinge in the wind that was beginning to accelerate, gently nudging her truck to the left as she pulled in behind her vehicle's twin.

Twins. At one time, they were like twins, their minds forming the same ridiculous jokes or hatching similar schemes. Now, they were worlds apart.

But he had to know. No one had given her a chance before, not even him. She would make him hear her, this time. This was her last confession. There was no sense in holding back anymore.

A tall figure peered through the door as she cut the engine, the face cloaked in shadows. She didn't need to see it to know who would answer the door. Drawing a ragged breath, she stepped out onto the gravel, pebbles scurrying as she dragged her feet. A funeral march. She paused at the foot of the stairs, forcing herself to meet the piercing gaze through the glass, her knees threatening to buckle as she swallowed hard, then forced herself to speak.

"Hello, Jake."

* * *

_A while back, I warned a reader that things were slowly building to a hell of a ride... and well, chapter 26 was only the beginning. _

_**For those who remember the lost moment I offered up for reviews way back**, I promised I'd eventually make it fully accessible. It's now available and I would really, **really** appreciate it if you not only read it, but rate/review as well. :) Flip to my profile, if you weren't subscribed to author alerts as well as story alerts.  
_

_**Speaking of outtakes, here's the deal: if between FF and Twilighted, this chapter gets 50 reviews, I will post an alternate version of the opening of this chapter, with Alice instead of Ronan showing up. If I get 80 reviews, I will post a version with Jasper at the door. **_

_My Twitter: casket4myfanfic_

_Bella and Edward's account (which, hint hint, is going to get more active): ForkedUp_


	29. Chapter 29

_AN: _

_You guys are amazing! We cleared the proposed challenge and hit enough reviews for an Alice version of chapter 28's opening. Go read! It's linked to my profile._

_Also, be sure to swing by the ForkedUp twitter and blip fm pages for some nuances and clues to chapter 30..._

_**Keep a close eye now on times mentioned... trust me; I've put a lot of care into the next three chapters**_

_As always, SM owns Twilight and I own my bitchier angstier bastardized Bella and Edward. Mwahahahaha. I also own 7700 MP3s, which makes finding perfect music for these two rather easy. Heather Nova owns the quoted lyrics to Not Only Human, an amazing song._

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

_September 30th; 6:01 p.m._

The copper-skinned man behind the door glowered at Bella, running a hand through his messy black hair. His body shook with seeming anger, but Bella refused to back away, refused to abandon her mission. _I have to speak to him; it has to be now or never at all_. With a muttered curse, he threw open the door, stepping onto the porch.

"What are _you_ doing here?"

"Jake, I have to tell you something-"

"Not interested," he interrupted, slamming the porch door behind him. "Get out of here, Bella."

"It's important-"

"Go _away_," Jacob growled, staring down at her from the top stair.

"It's about why Rachel died!" Bella sobbed.

A silence, icy stillness, passed between them. Bella's eyes were moist; Jacob's were narrow and dry. But his hands, she noted, gripped the porch rail tightly, his back arching forward slightly. She knew the tell-tale signs well, knew them from this very porch and its worn infrastructure: Jacob was struggling to stay upright.

"No one ever let me... after..." Bella sighed in frustration, words a jumbled mass in her skull. "Ten minutes and you'll never see me again. Please, Jacob?"

He shook his head slowly eyes averted, "There's nothing you can say to make things better, Bella. You can't bring her back-"

"And sending me her _dreamcatcher_ as a sick birthday joke is going to bring her back?" Bella snapped, kicking the porch step. "Or Sam trying to beat me up? Rachel wouldn't have wanted this and you _know it_."

"A birthday _what_? What are you talking about? I've never sent you anything. Why would I give you something of my sister's?"

Bella shrugged, "I was hoping maybe you would tell me, Jacob."

"No, no. You're full of shit!" Jacob shouted. "Her room hasn't been touched since... You! Stay there," he demanded, storming back into the house.

Bella slowly took the three steps up to the porch as she heard doors slamming and cursing from the far end of the Black home. The aging planks of wood, the weather stain noticeably worn in several places, creaked beneath her sneakered feet as she obediently awaited Jacob's return. Was it possible that Jacob was telling the truth? She'd always assumed, after their exchanged glance at Paper Moon, that he'd been the culprit behind the brown paper gift left at Breaking Dawn. Ronan had always felt it was Leah behind the malicious act; had he been right all along?

The glass door swung open, startling Bella, and Jacob Black emerged, his face taut, "Ten minutes."

"Thank you," Bella whispered, following him into the house.

The Black home hadn't changed since she'd last been there, the day Rachel had fallen into the rough Pacific waters. The throw blankets on the bright orange sofa were still faded and haphazardly draped across its surface, a small brown throw pillow in the centre, askew. The recliner held a discarded hooded sweatshirt and a football - no doubt Jake's items. He moved briskly across the room, silencing the TV at its source and gesturing to the sofa.

"Sit down."

Bella complied, reluctantly. "Is Billy-?"

"Out visiting the Clearwaters," Jacob answered. "Shouldn't be back for an hour or more. Fresh batch of moonshine," he spat.

"Ah." Bella hesitated, unsure of where to begin. "The gift-"

"Wasn't from me," Jacob replied curtly, leaning against the wall to her right. "Ronan's little phone call makes a lot more sense, now."

"Wait; Ronan called you?"

Jacob snorted, "More like dialed my number, waited for an answer, and went on a rampage. All I know is that her dreamcatcher is missing from the wall... I don't know who did that. But that isn't why you have ten minutes, Bella Swan."

Bella nodded nervously, "I know. I... I just needed you to know the truth-"

"I already _know_ the truth. My sister is dead. Dead."

"I know, but-"

"She was only fifteen!" Jacob gasped, his voice cracking. "She had her whole life waiting for her! And she's gone, gone because you decided to take her cliff diving in a storm while _drunk off your ass_!"

"That's not how it happened," Bella insisted, raising her voice. "That's what everyone's told you, Jake!"

"You fell off a cliff," Jacob countered, looming over her. "How much more evidence do I need?"

"You said I had ten minutes, Jacob Black! Let me explain... Let me, and you can believe whatever the hell you want to believe." Pulling angrily at her hair, Bella stared Jacob down, knowing she had nothing to lose. "For Rachel?"

Jacob muttered under his breath, pacing back and forth, a predator. Bella held her breath, her heart pounding within her ribcage, her chest tight with fear. _Just let me talk. I'll write it down if you won't let me. But you have to know_.

"Fine," he relented. "Tell me how innocent you are."

Bella shook her head sadly, staring at the floor, "I'm not saying it wasn't my fault, Jake. I'm just saying it didn't happen how everyone tells it."

"Whatever. I'm listening."

Taking a deep breath, Bella began quietly, "July 26th was - would have been my mom's birthday... You know, if she... And obviously, I already had a spectacular drinking problem."

Jacob nodded, "Yeah, I knew... But not about your mom. I don't-"

"Doesn't matter now," Bella insisted, continuing her story. "James had hooked me up with some magic mushrooms, to kind of take the edge off. The booze wasn't helping like it used to, and it was... It was a bad day..."

_"Can they make this fucking _black hole_ in my chest stop swallowing up everything good and light? Make the memory of putting her in the ground fade away? Because if they can do that, then fuck, take me to an asylum and check me in for a nice vacation!"_

"When you left, you know, to get Billy, I took the drugs... When they kicked in, I felt... good. Like I wanted to go out and _live_. I hadn't felt that in so long. I told Rachel I was taking a walk and to tell you where I went when you came home. She... She said there was a storm, and I shouldn't go alone... She was stubborn."

"Rachel always was a brat about getting her way," Jacob recalled, smiling wanly. "She had us all wrapped around her fingers."

"She really did," Bella murmured, brushing aside tears. "We walked, and we sang... I still remember her voice. So light, and airy... But it just... I needed to climb. I couldn't stay still..."

_"We should go to the cliffs! The view would be beautiful tonight, the mist rolling over the moon-"_

_"Bella, Jake should be back soon-"_

_"So? We were going to ditch him for Hamlet anyway." _

"Rachel had my flashlight, the one on my keychain, and we went to the lower plateau, the one where we used to dive, you know?" Bella's voice cracked, a sharp pain in her stomach as she wrapped her arms around herself. _Keep it together._ "I... I wanted to dive. It was a fucking stupid, stupid idea, but I couldn't _see_ it was stupid at the time. I told her to go home, Jake. I _told her_ to go..."

Bella lost it, buckling forward sobbing, no longer concerned with what Jacob might think of her, with presenting a brave face. In her mind, haunting blue eyes asked her _why_, begged for help beneath a murky tidal wave. She could hear Jacob's feet shuffle against the flooring, could hear his heavy breathing, but she could not look him in the eye.

"You told her to go," Jacob echoed, his voice unfeeling.

Bella nodded furiously, sucking in air and struggling to speak, "S-she w-w-wouldn't g-go... S-she pulled at m-me... And then, th-the l-lightning..."

_"I'm not going to freaking die! Watch me-"_

_"Bella, damn it, no!"_

"Lightning?" Jacob seemed genuinely puzzled, his steps growing closer to Bella's buckled body. "What lightning? No one has said anything about this to me."

"B-because only I kn-knew," Bella stammered. "Me and R-Rach..."

Bella felt tissues thrust at her hands, which she accepted with a nod. Blowing her nose and dabbing her eyes, she willed herself to look to her once love and lover, her friend of decades. His eyes were swollen, his face anguished. How she would give anything to erase the damage she'd done to him, to their tribe! But her simple, clumsy hands were incapable of remedy, of restoration.

"What lightning?" Jacob asked again, his voice softer.

"From the storm... It... It struck a tree maybe 25 feet away," Bella said nervously. "Rachel and I j-jumped from the noise and the sparks and... she was so close t-to the edge... She slipped, and I fell with her..."

_There was too much blood. Why wouldn't anyone clean it up? _

Bella fell silent, save the quiet sobbing she gradually wrestled under control. Her eyelids fluttered close, Rachel's soft features calling to her in the ethers of memory. She knew she was guilty, knew that her foolish actions had cost them all a treasured young girl. But not the way Jacob had been told.

Someone had to know the truth, before it was too late.

"There was no jump," Jacob finally concluded, "But you let her go there, in a storm-"

"It's my fault, Jacob," Bella insisted, rising to her feet, "But I didn't jump with her. I never wanted her to."

"But _you_ were going to jump!" Jacob snapped. "Bella, you would have most likely been killed!"

"I know-"

"No," Jacob muttered, "You have _no idea_ what it was like watching you destroy yourself. Watching you lie to everyone. Watching you risk everyone's safety every damn day." He paused, glaring at her, "Rachel wouldn't have insisted on being with you if you weren't fucked up out of your mind. Because that was Rachel, Bella; she took care of people."

Bella whimpered, pressing her palm to her mouth. _He's right; she was always helping Billy, or offering to do favours for neighbours. She was the kind of person the world needs. The opposite of me_.

"I'm so sorry," Bella whispered. "I will be sorry until I die."

"And so will I," Jacob said harshly. "I failed her, Bella."

"N-no," Bella said, "Jake, she loved you-"

"I failed her," he repeated, his voice louder as he looked to the window, the sunset looming. "I failed her by failing you."

Bella froze, momentarily stunned. _Wait... what?_ Her feet edged her closer to Jacob's looming, muscular form, her head tilted in confusion.

"Jake? What do you mean?"

"I knew how bad things were, and I didn't fix them," he explained. "You needed a shrink, or rehab, or Charlie locking you in the drunk tank. Something... And I never did what I knew I should do, because I loved you too much to upset you. And now my sister is dead, and I can't look at you without feeling sick."

"I-I should go-"

"It's not just what you've done," Jacob added, reaching out for her shoulder. "It's my own shit, as well. But... Bella, look: I can't be friends with you. I can't be friends with myself! But one thing I _can_ do is set the record straight."

Bella fidgeted with the hem of her t-shirt, the room suddenly very, very warm, "I don't understand."

"The guys are going to lay the fuck off," Jacob stated firmly. "I already heard from Quil about your little visit recently. I wasn't too happy with Paul and Sam in the first place. You fucked up, Bella. You really did. But no more than the rest of us. So I'm drawing a line, and out of respect for Ephraim Black and respect for me, they _will_ put an end to their bullshit."

Bella nodded slightly, unsure of how to react. The sadness and longing in his voice had drowned out all remnants of the rage with which he'd greeted her only minutes before. _He knows. At least he knows_. With a little backwards step, Bella jerked her head towards the door.

"I should go."

"Yeah," Jacob said, stepping back. "Drive safe and all that."

Bella nodded, "I always do now."

"Good."

He walked two steps behind as she pushed through the glass door, the garish orange of the diminishing sun stinging her weary eyes. The ocean looked peaceful, a deep blue-grey lightly crested by foamy surf. _Rachel loved sunset. _Pulling herself into the cab of her truck, she started the engine, the usual rumble-grunt greeting her ears as ancient parts gasped for life. Jacob Black lifted his hand briefly, a curt nod before he slipped back into his family home, not waiting for her departure.

Bella's cell phone blinked, alerting her to a missed call and a voicemail. Examining the number, she cleared the reminder, tossing the phone back into the small leather bag. Ronan. _I don't need to deal with him right now_. Adjusting her mirrors, Bella reversed into the main drag, taking the merge towards Forks proper, no longer concerned about her father. The truck was old, but it could gather speed if need be; she'd simply evade him, if she had to.

The stereo had come to life once more, Rachel's mix shifting to its second trip as cool air trickled into the cab from the open window. Bella drummed her fingers lightly, singing along to steady her sprinting heart and shallow breathing.

_"Morning is almost here - let it wait  
I just want to lie here awhile, tempting fate  
I don't think I could breathe now with you gone  
But it's not weakness it's just something I've begun_

_Maybe there's a light that's always on  
Maybe we're not only human  
Maybe there's a light that's always on  
And we're not only human_

_When you're sleeping you're ceramic  
You're surrounded by little stars  
Every shimmer is a searchlight  
Every planet is ours  
Change the street change the decade  
Still the longing's left inside  
But why am I too small to carry you?  
Why does twilight make me cry?"_

One last stop, if all went well, and she would disappear. They would be free of the burdens she forced them to bear, free of her drama. Bella edged the gas pedal closer to the floor, willing the truck to fly. _Fly. Fly away_...

* * *

_September 30th, __5:45 p.m._

Edward jammed the buzzer for Angela's loft again, Ronan muttering about impatience just behind him. Angela hadn't answered the phone while they were en route, but that wasn't uncommon, from what Ronan explained. Angela turned her phone off when painting or sculpting, refusing to allow her creative process to be disturbed by the daily nuances of life. Although her car was parked out back in its appointed spot, she wasn't responding to the intercom - and it was making Edward very, very angry.

"I'm going to break this fucking door down," Edward muttered.

"Chill out, Cullen! Maybe she's not home." Ronan stepped backwards several feet, attempting to peer into Angela's windows. "No lights I can see."

"You think she's out with Ben, maybe?" Edward asked.

"Shit! Yeah, could be." Ronan pulled his cell from his pocket, scrolling through his contacts. "Maybe Bella is with them somewhere, even... Hey, Ben! It's Ro."

Edward heaved a sigh of relief. _At least we've reached one of them!_ He leaned closer to Ronan, releasing the intercom button.

"Is Ang with you?... Oh, right! Her mom's birthday party... Yeah, I forgot. Look man, you guys haven't seen Bella today, have you, or talked to her?... Yeah. No, no don't worry about it right now. Call me later on, yeah?... 'Bye."

"Nothing," Edward sadly whispered.

"Neither of them have heard from her in days, and they're in Forks, ironically enough, celebrating a birthday. Emily's not picking up." Ronan growled in frustration, kicking the curb. "What now?"

"Maybe she's asked Emily not to answer?" Edward suggested. "Maybe she figures it's better she doesn't, so Bella stays put?"

"It's worth a shot," Ronan sighed. "She would hope for Emily to be on her side about the hospital shit. Alright, the O'Leary residence is our next stop. In the meantime," Ronan paused, shuddering, "I'd better call Charlie."

Edward groaned, "That is not going to be a good call. Do you think Michelle reached him?"

"Maybe," Ronan shrugged, sliding behind the wheel of Edward's Volvo. "Strap in, Cullen; this is gonna be a bumpy ride, and I don't necessarily mean the construction-plagued roads of Washington State."

Ronan navigated with a single hand on the wheel as he hit send on what Edward assumed was Charlie's extension at the station. _Bella, where are you? _He heard Ronan swallow hard as a voice picked up on the other end, and he sympathized immediately. Charlie Swan was not the person you wanted to deliver bad news to.

"Hey, Chief, how-"

Ronan's face clouded over as he turned to Edward, mouthing _Michelle_. Edward winced.

"Chief, I'm going to put you on speakerphone so I can drive safer, alright? One sec..." Depressing a series of keys, Edward distinctly heard a car and the mumblings of a CB radio in the background, "Okay, you're good."

"I just spoke with Bella's therapist, Ronan. She told me what happened with Bella at her session," Charlie said gruffly.

"Yeah, that was... supreme bad luck. If I hadn't left the keys in the truck-"

"Son, there's no sense in beating yourself up over that. She would have found a way. Michelle tells me that Bella's cutting herself again; did you know about this?"

Ronan hesitated, "I suspected she might be, off and on, but nothing serious..."

"Well, I call a huge gash she's taped shut pretty goddamn serious!" Charlie snapped.

_A gash? Taped shut?_ Edward suppressed a sob, not wanting Bella's father to be aware of his presence. _What have I done? She was doing so well!_

"Michelle wants her in the hospital, Chief," Ronan said solemnly. "Did she say anything about it?"

Charlie sighed, "Yeah, she mentioned it. I told her that Bella is terrified of those places and I'd like to avoid things coming to that. Obviously, since she's run, she agrees."

"Well, I just checked Angela's place, and I'm headed home to see if Bella went to Emily. Is there anything else you need me to do?" Ronan asked.

Charlie hesitated, the CB radio faintly chattering on the other end, "Um, for now, stick to Port Angeles. She hasn't been home recently; I just checked there. I'm on my way to that bookstore she likes just outside town, the one with the café? Figured she might go and hide there."

Ronan nodded to himself, making a sharp left turn, "Yeah, good call. It would be the perfect place for her to go, especially if she felt we were all looking to lock her up. I'll take a swing by Breaking Dawn, maybe, if she's not at my place."

"Keep me updated, Ronan, and I'll let you know what I find out this way. I'm sure me calling her wouldn't do any good. She knows that doctor would have called me. Oh, and Ronan?"

"Yeah, Chief?"

"The doctor told me that Cullen was with you at her office."

Both Ronan and Edward held their breath, fully cognizant of the distaste in Charlie Swan's voice as he spoke the name of the man who'd abandoned his little girl. _This is not good,_ Edward panicked. _So not good_.

"He came to apologize to Bella," Ronan explained, his grip on the wheel tightening.

"Oh, did he? Well, you tell that bastard from me that he's going to have to do a lot more than apologize for the damage he's done." Charlie's rage carried clear across the speaker, Edward recoiling from the phone, "Bella is in this mess because of him!"

"He knows, Charlie; I made sure of it."

"You hit him a good one?"

Ronan snickered in spite of himself, "He's got a very pretty eye, now."

Charlie huffed, "Good. But you should have broken a leg or two. I'll talk to you in a bit, then."

"'Bye Chief."

Hanging up, Ronan turned to Edward, forcing a grin.

"Well, that went well!"

"Ha ha, asshole," Edward grumbled, "I know I blew it man, but you guys didn't have to plot Sopranos action with me listening in."

"Hey, he didn't know you were in the car! And it's probably a damn good thing, too, considering how much he wants your ass carved like the Christmas turkey."

Edward sighed, his gaze returning to the smattering of cars passing them by on the quiet Port Angeles streets. _Yeah, it's probably best that I steer as clear as possible of Charlie Swan for now. He's armed and he'd find a way to call it self defense_. He shifted anxiously in his seat, the belt across his shoulder tightening against his neck, and he wondered if Charlie's spirit had just possessed the car. _Johnny's still talking, _Edward admonished himself. _God, I need a drink!_

"Call Bella," Ronan ordered, shattering his reverie.

"What?"

"Look, you're probably the only person she'll pick up for right now. She wants to hear from you. So call her."

Edward sighed. _Couldn't hurt to try_. His hand slid to his right pocket, patting it frantically as he realized that, in his haste to reach Bella at Michelle's office, he'd forgotten one very important item: his fucking phone.

"Fuck! I forgot my stupid goddamn fucking phone at home!"

Ronan sighed, "Damn it!"

"Well, I was drunk and punched in the face, Ronan. Cut me some goddamn slack!" Edward snapped, punching the dashboard.

"Alright, fuck, use my phone but leave a voicemail. If she screens it, at least she'll hear your voice."

Edward reached out for Ronan's small black phone, clutching it as if it were a talisman, a way to ward off the doom he felt in every fibre of his being. _I can do this. I'll call her. I'll apologize_. He pressed the send button and scrolled to Bella's number in the recent calls, his thumb poised to strike the key again. _But what if I make it worse? What if Ronan's wrong_? With a silent curse of his cowardice, he dropped the phone in his lap, defeated.

"I can't do it, Ro."

"What do you mean you can't do it? Just fucking call her and say, 'Hi, I was a complete douchebag but I love you, and you knew I was mental at the start. Could we meet so you can beat me until I have common sense?'"

"You're fucking loving this," Edward griped.

"Loving what? My best friend being potentially suicidal and also missing? Oh yeah, it's fucking awesome!" Ronan shook his head, turning onto his street, "Man up, Cullen. Call her."

"What if... What if I make it worse?"

Ronan snorted, "Did you not just hear me recap things? There _is_ no 'worse', Edward."

"I guess not," Edward sighed.

The phone rang three times, each seeming longer than the first to Edward's ears before kicking to Bella's voicemail. Edward breath caught in his throat as her beautiful voice filled his ears. _What was I thinking, leaving her behind? Right; I wasn't thinking_. As a delicate beep sounded, he began to speak, his voice shaky.

"Bella, it's Edward... I am so sorry, Bella... So fucking sorry... And I'm terrified for you, so please, call me, call Ronan, call Alice... I love you."

* * *

_September 30th, __6:43 p.m._

The call had come through dispatch moments after Charlie Swan had pulled out of the parking lot of the bookstore, satisfied that there was no possible way his daughter was inside. He'd gone as far as to have the staff check the washrooms, flashing his badge and a stern look. Nothing. No one could recall seeing Bella for at least two weeks.

"Dispatch calling Charlie 1. Come in."

It was always a slight amusement to Charlie that, as a result of being the chief of police in Forks, his call sign was his name, thanks to the phonetic alphabet. Grabbing his mic with a vicious tug, he keyed up.

"Dispatch, this is Charlie 1. Go ahead."

"Charlie 1, we have a report of a 10-42 on the 101 near Bogachiel. Jane Doe matching your APB was taken to county with severe injuries, over."

Charlie swallowed hard, "10-4 on that 42. Any description of the vehicle?"

"Dispatch calling Charlie 1, pick-up involved, no details on model or colour."

"10-4. Charlie 1 en route, over and out."

Charlie's heart began to race as he u-turned towards the county hospital, the radio call echoing in his skull. _Motor vehicle accident, ambulance called. Pick-up truck. Accident on the stretch between Forks and La Push._ Bella wouldn't have gone there, would she?

"Yes," he mumbled. "Yes, she would. Emotional masochism at its finest."

He flipped on his beacons and siren, taking full advantage of his position of power. _Stay calm, old man. You don't know if it's her. You don't know if she's hurt badly. _None of his mental affirmations dissuaded his chest from heaving, nor did it lessen the violence with which he jerked the steering wheel, cornering sharply onto the northern stretch towards the hospital.

A part of him debated calling his old friend, Billy Black, but he quickly dismissed the notion. The last thing he needed right now was more terse discussion of his daughter. But Ronan... _Shit_. Ronan would not take this turn of events well, and his lack of returned call suggested he had yet to find Bella in Port Angeles.

Flipping open his cell phone, the one he'd bought to ensure Bella could always reach him, he returned the last call received. As the voice on the other end picked up, Charlie struggled to level his tone, knowing he needed to be strong, positive.

"Ronan, it's Charlie... I don't want you to panic just yet, but there's been an accident..."

* * *

_Bogachiel is really between the res and Forks. In radio 10-code speak, the letter C phonetically is Charlie; a 10-42 in a nearby county is a motor vehicle accident with ambulance involved, and 10-4 is okay. :) Glad my experience in security was worth something. LOL._

_So, what are your thoughts on Jacob? What about the accident? _

_I'll try and get another chapter to you before the weekend ends._


	30. Chapter 30

_AN: _

_The longest chapter since the original one-shot is now in your hands, so to speak. This chapter carries a tissue warning._

_This chapter is also pretty heavily music-driven; in fact, stay tuned to the end notes for a bit of trivia! **Nothing is chosen by chance; everything is very carefully selected**._

_The playlist is up to date again!_

_casket4mytears[dot]wordpress[dot]com/2010/05/11/tattoos-like-mile-markers-breaking-down-the-playlist/_

_SONGS FOR THE CHAPTER_

_Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray_  
_Isobel - Dido *quoted*_  
_Haunted - Poe *quoted*_  
_End of the Innocence - Don Henley *quoted*_  
_The Art of Suicide - Emilie Autumn *quoted*_  
_Try Try Try - Smashing Pumpkins *quoted*_  
_Coma Black - Marilyn Manson *quoted*_  
_The Scientist - Coldplay_

_Bella's tweets quote/reference the following films, in order: The Tracey Fragments; The Life of David Gale; Donnie Darko. All rights retained by the copyright holders, of course._

_There is a brief quote from the Introduction of House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski, read by Edward. Amazing book; read it._

_As always, SM owns Twilight; I own the best freaking Alice. Seriously. I love her._

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

_September 30th, __6:50 p.m._

"An accident? Charlie, what's going on? Is it Bella?"

The panic in Ronan's voice and the white knuckled grip he had on his cell phone stopped Edward's heart for several seconds, his feet pressing into the floorboard beneath them as his body struck out in fear. _Accident? What kind of accident?_ The Volvo wavered towards the left lane and Edward's hand shot out, steadying their course as Ronan began to tremble.

"Well, haven't you called... Then fucking call! Fuck... I'm sorry, Charlie. I'm sorry... No, I haven't found her. I'll head to Forks now... Call me as soon as you know."

The cell phone fell into Ronan's lap as he shook his head slightly, his face flushed. With no warning - and no signal Edward could see - Ronan swung the car violently to the right, pulling against the curb and throwing it into park. His face fell on the wheel as he gasped for air.

"Ronan, what happened?" Edward whispered.

"I don't know," he mumbled, his voice hoarse.

"Ronan, _what did Charlie say_?" Edward demanded. "Please! Is Bella okay?"

With a loud sniffle, Ronan turned towards him, his cheek still pressed against the wheel, "We don't know."

"You don't know? You don't KNOW?"

Edward lost his temper, fueled by fear and the traces of alcohol in his veins. His fist slammed into the dashboard compartment, the door popping open as it warped beneath the impact. He let out a scream of agony, the piercing sound he'd made while leaning over his mother's lifeless body, the scent of raw eggs and the bedsore ointment filling his lungs. _Bella. No, she is FINE. She's fine! It's a mistake!_ His head met the window beside him with a shuddering of glass and metal, the two conspiring to keep him from tearing the world to pieces to match his cracking heart.

"Edward, stop!" Ronan wailed. "We don't know if it's Bella yet!"

"FUCK! FUCK, FUCK, FUCKING FUCK!"

Ronan's hand seized the fist he continued to beat against the dash, the knuckles raw and bloody, "Edward, stop... Stop and let me tell you..."

Ronan's voice was small, meek. Mouse-like. Edward had never heard his friend speak in anything but the authoritative tone of a man who lived fearlessly.

"Okay... Okay..."

Ronan nodded, sitting back in the driver's seat, "Charlie got a call on the radio for a car crash on the 101 near Bogachiel Way. Young female matching Bella's age crashed a pick-up truck on a curve. Charlie's on his way to the hospital to see... The girl's alive, but hurt badly."

"County?"

"Yeah, that's what Charlie said."

"I'll call my dad," Edward said, nodding to himself. "Give me your phone. He can tell me right away. He'll tell me it's not Bella. Because it's not."

Ronan nodded warily, "Yeah, your dad is a good idea." Sucking in a deep breath, he checked the mirrors and pulled back into traffic, "I'll take us to Forks, anyway."

"My place first," Edward insisted, dialing. "What if she went there? What if she's called my phone, or texted me?"

Ronan thought a moment, then agreed. "It's on the way."

Edward drummed his fingers on the passenger side door, listening to the ringing on the line... one... two...

"_You've reached Doctor __Carlisle__ Cullen. I'm away from my office at this time. If this is an emergency, you may dial the switchboard at extension 1214 and our staff will be pleased to assist you. Otherwise, please do leave me a message and I will return it as soon as possible_."

"Voicemail," Edward growled. "I'll have him paged."

"Doesn't he carry a cell?"

Edward shook his head, "He primarily deals with patients requiring equipment that can be disrupted by cellular connections. Even though it's a minute possibility, he keeps his phone off in the hospital... Hi, this is Edward Cullen... I'm fine, Nancy. Could you page my father? It's urgent... Oh... For the accident?... Thank you, Nancy. Have him call my cell."

Ronan sighed, flipping the turn signal to merge onto Edward's street, "He's in surgery with the girl."

"Yeah... and if it was... Well, he wouldn't leave her... He'd fix her."

The dashboard clock read 7:02 as they pulled up to Edward's place, and he sighed. _Almost three hours now_. Glancing up and down the streets, he exchanged a look with Ronan, who could only match his crestfallen expression. _No sign of Bella's truck_.

"Come on, Cullen. Let's get your phone and get on the highway."

They stepped out into the cool evening air, the sun almost entirely set now as Edward fumbled with his keys. He eventually managed unlocking the stairwell that led to both his place and that of his neighbour, a half-deaf elderly woman with three cats who, thankfully, was insulated enough that she never found reason to complain about Edward's piano playing or... other noise. Taking the first two steps, Edward froze, straining his ears.

_Little House. Bella!_

"Hurry up!" Edward screamed at Ronan, running up the stairs. "Bella!"

"Edward, it could be-"

"That's _her ringtone_!" Edward insisted, bodychecking against his apartment door as he fumbled again with the keys. "Bella, hold on, I'm coming!"

The key stuck briefly then clicked, Edward throwing the door open with such force that the handle lodged in the wall. Ronan followed him into the apartment, panting slightly as Edward dove onto the ground, fighting with a ringing pair of jeans-

And it stopped.

"FUCK!" Edward screamed, finally tugging his now godforsaken iPhone free. "Bella!"

"It was her?" Ronan asked, hopeful.

"Yes!" Edward returned the call immediately, sprawled on the floor, breathless. "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon... WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING?"

"Maybe she's leaving a voicemail?" Ronan suggested. "Leave her one, too."

Edward nodded, his vision hazy. _Voicemail. Yes. _As Bella's familiar message kicked in, he struggled to steady his breathing, "Bella! I saw you called. I didn't have my phone, but I do now, so call me back, call again... I'll answer, I promise. Call me. I love you so much."

Ronan sighed, relieved. "She can't be the accident girl. She wouldn't call from surgery."

"No, no she isn't. She's not." The knowledge lightened the stone sunk in his gut, but only slightly. _I won't feel okay until I see her._

"I should call Charlie," Ronan said. "If he hasn't made it to the hospital yet, he's probably freaking out."

"Yeah, good idea-"

Edward's phone began to ring, but it wasn't Bella's signature tone; it was his sister's, Metric's Poster of a Girl. Edward swallowed hard, his terror renewed, as he answered the call.

"Aly?"

"Edward!" Alice sobbed. "Edward, tell me you know where Bella is! Tell me, _please_!"

"N-no... She ran off from her shrink. We've been looking for her-"

"You _have_ to find her!" Alice wailed. "_We_ have to find her! Why isn't Jasper here yet? Oh, God, I can't breathe!"

"Aly! What's wrong? You have to tell me!"

A long pause, a gasping sob.

"It's her Twitter, Edward. Bella's given up."

* * *

_September 30th, __6:51 p.m._

Bella was grateful to whatever forces existed beyond the mortal realm that had left her home unoccupied upon her arrival. She wasn't kidding herself; Charlie could return at any moment. She'd need to act fast. But, she told herself, _At least you can act_. Several items of interest lay within the walls of the Swan home, items she now sought desperately.

Storming up the steps, she unlocked the front door, slamming it and securing both bolts behind her. It wouldn't delay Charlie long, but it would buy a moment, should she need to flee in haste. On the kitchen table sat her laptop, and she ran to it, quickly loading her browser. _Fifteen, maybe twenty minutes. Four songs max, Bella. Time them_. Making her first selection, she opened a tab in Twitter, furiously typing out a quote that had been circling in her skull for the entire hectic drive from La Push. For a moment, she'd almost feared capture, a mass of police cars flashing ahead of her. Luckily for her, and rather unluckily for the driver, there'd been a horrible accident, one that held their undivided attention as she sailed by at twenty over.

_One day you fall for this boy. And he touches you with his fingers. And he burns holes in your skin with his mouth. And it hurts when you look at him. And it hurts when you don't. And it feels like someone's cut you open with a jagged piece of glass. - Tracey Berkowitz _

Singing along as the song played throughout the small house, Bella jogged up the stairs into her room, throwing her closet door open with a loud bang. _Backpack, backpack... A-ha!_ The small black bag would do. Snatching a change of clothing , Bella next yanked open her desk drawer, shuffling and tossing papers aside frantically.

"_I thought it was funny when you missed the train  
When I rang you at home they said you left yesterday  
I thought it was strange when your car was found  
by the tree in Ennis where we used to hang around_

_Dear Isobel  
I hope you're well and what you've done is right  
Oh it's been such hell  
I wish you well and hope you're safe tonight..._"

"I know you're in here... Damn it... There!"

Withdrawing the old jeweler's box, Bella opened the lid, checking the contents with a nod of satisfaction. _I knew I still had this_. Tossing it into her pack, she continued to sort and fumble, her hand closing on an envelope of photos, the paper worn and creased. Opening it, her hand trembled, swollen eyes blinking away unwanted tears.

"Hi, Rachel," she whispered lovingly. "Jake's okay. Sad, but okay..."

She had never been able to display them, not like the photos of her mother that lingered around her room in an assortment of mismatched frames. But she had kept the photos, taken two weeks before Rachel's passing, kept them safely hidden where she could always find them. In this snapshot, Jacob had an arm around each of them, his smile gleaming in the summer sun. Bella's eyes were bright, wide; it was a day she hadn't started off drunk, a rarity back then. These too, she packed, jogging back downstairs as the song finished. With furious typing, she sent her second transmission, and another tweet, the irony not missed by one who normally looked down upon social media.

It was the easiest way to reach them all. A legacy.

Ransacking the kitchen next, Bella gathered a few bottles of water and energy bars, a honeycrisp apple from the basket on the table. The music propelled her onward in her mission, her feet surprisingly graceful as she jogged again up the narrow staircase, cornering sharply into her bedroom.

"_Don't cry; there's always a way  
Here in November in this house of leaves, we'll pray  
Please, I know it's hard to believe  
See a perfect forest through so many splintered trees  
You and me and these shadows keep on changing_

_But I'm haunted, by the lives that I have loved, and actions I have hated  
I'm haunted, by the promises I've made and others I have broken on the way  
I'm haunted, by the lives that wove the web inside of my haunted head..._"

What was she forgetting? _Ah. Obvious_. From her nightstand and the outlet beside it, she picked up her iPod and charger, tucking them into the front pouch, separate from the heavy bottles. Bella then knelt beside the bed, reaching her hand under and up into her secret place between the wooden slats and mattress. Withdrawing a small, leather-bound journal with a pen nestled in its spine, she slid that into her bag as well. From beneath her pillow, she tugged loose a worn black t-shirt, inhaling the scent of it with a muffled sob. _Edward. It still smelled of him._ It was all she had now; that was clear. He had left, and hadn't called. In her head, Leah's words, once true of Jacob, now eerily summed up the greatest love she'd known.

_"He's gone, Bella. And no amount of crying can ever bring him back."_

Snatching up her bag, Bella hurriedly moved into the bathroom, rummaging through cabinets and cupboards, humming with the music, keeping an internal stopwatch. _Time's almost up. You need to move faster._ Adding a few necessary items into the bag beneath Edward's shirt, Bella ran downstairs, in time to switch songs. _Last look_. Her fingers flashed anew, tweeting another quote that had stuck in her head the night before, while watching movies with Alice into the late hours.

_"There comes a point - a moment - in life when your mind outlives its desires, its obsessions, when your habits survive your dreams..."_

"The Life of David Gale... Such a good movie," she whispered.

Shaking herself, she scanned the living room, finding her two favourite photos and collapsing their frames, folding them into her bag gently. One was of her and Charlie, taken last spring on a weekend to Seattle. They'd seen a few sights, but had mainly gone to see The Eagles, one of Charlie's favourite bands - and secretly, one of hers as well. They were in front of the venue, her head leaning on her father's shoulder. It had been a small gesture of atonement for the suicide attempt months before, the tickets bought with her savings.

The other was of Bella and her mother, taken on her 38th birthday at their pool. Her mother held a margarita in a mocking pose of a wealthy housewife, Bella laughing as the picture was snapped by a friend. She was full of life, bursting with kinetic energy even in still frames. Bella envied her mother, envied her endless _joie de vivre_ in the face of any setback. She, on the other hand, was always an old soul, Renee had explained, 'Just like your dad.'

Zipping her bag shut, Bella reached for her purse, tugging loose a pen and a small notebook she kept for random sketches and notes to herself. With a reluctant pause, she began to write, her words simple, straightforward in meaning. _There is a time for metaphor and that time is writing bad poetry at college_, Bella quipped to herself sarcastically. Tucking the note beneath the vase on the kitchen table and adjusting its daisies, Bella returned her instruments to her purse. Her hand grazed her phone and she paused, then withdrew it. _Would you like to use a life line? _ That was what Charlie had called the phone: a life line, for Bella to reach out for him, or Ronan, anyone...

Edward?

"_I know a place where we can go  
And wash away the sin  
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by  
And the tall grass waves in the wind  
Just lay your head back on the ground  
And let your hair spill all around me  
Offer up your best defense  
But this is the end  
This is the end of the innocence_..."

Bella's thumb scrolled through her contacts to his name, the mere sight of it sending her heart into a gymnast's routine within her ribs. He hadn't called, or texted, hadn't even been on Twitter. There had been no emails, no letters. But maybe... Maybe if she called him... _No. No, you can't!_

"Edward," she whispered, pressing play on one more song. _No time left. No time._

If she were to act, it would have to be now, before her father found her, or worse, Ronan. His bike remained in front of their home, kickstand buried in the gravel. Hesitation sank in, and in Pavlovian form, she responded to her desperate thoughts and aching soul with the trained response: she called him, even as she sent out her last missive.

_Sometimes I doubt my commitment to Sparkle Motion... or my Philosophy of Time Travel. Cellar Doors. It's all cellar doors_.

Three rings. Voicemail. Edward didn't answer.

"Stupid!" Bella cursed herself, slamming the phone down on the table and storming out onto the porch, bag and purse over her shoulder.

Of course he hadn't answered; he'd made it clear that he couldn't bear to see her face, or speak to her. Alice was his sister; she must have reached out to him, must have tried to smooth things over. It was her somewhat meddlesome nature. If even Alice was unable to persuade him, what hope did she have?

_Not a hope in hell, Bella. You were an idiot to ever believe, for even a moment, that you had a chance at happiness_.

Shoving her belongings onto the passenger side seat, Bella started the engine, coaxing her truck back to life. _Almost time to rest, baby. One more stop tonight_. With one final look at her home, Bella whispered goodbye, then backed out into the road that would carry her away from Forks...

"Cellar door," Bella mumbled absently. "Cellar fucking doors."

* * *

_September 30th, __8:03 p.m._

Either Charlie Swan had the entire arsenal of police resources for several counties searching for his daughter, or they'd been extremely fortunate in their ride back to Forks. There was no way Ronan's excessive speeding could be disregarded by any officer of the law; they'd reached the Cullen house at least twenty minutes faster than they should have - and that was by Edward's lead-foot standard.

Ronan had called Charlie on their way, confirming for him what he'd just learned himself: Bella was not the girl injured on the 101. In a strange coincidence, the victim had been Victoria Drakes, the young delinquent Edward and Bella had attended group therapy with; the truck she'd crashed and rolled was stolen from the bait and tackle store parking lot near the reservation. Obviously, Doctor Granola wasn't helping her very much; Victoria now had several fractures, a punctured lung and second degree burns to prove it. She would live, though, and Edward was happy to hear it. Although Charlie had been somewhat relieved to learn that Bella had made a phone call at 7:05 - meaning she was alive and able to do so - he still feared the worst, and still felt Edward was to blame.

Edward couldn't disagree; it was his fault, in very large part.

"So, what next?" Ronan asked, parking the Volvo beside Rosalie's Mercedes.

Edward's hand knotted in his tangled copper hair, sighing, "Um, fuck... She's not in Port Angeles. I just don't think she's there, if she's not with her friends. We need to keep searching around here. She'd be somewhere isolated, knowing her."

"Agreed. The bookstore was a good guess, but Charlie says he tore the place apart and left them with a photocopy of Bella's picture, just in case. Where else could she be?"

Alice threw open the door leading from the house into the garage, her face tear-stained and pale. Edward stepped out of the Volvo and held his arms open, allowing her to fall against his chest. He rocked her gently, unable to stop himself from crying anew.

"I'm so sorry, Aly. This is all my fault."

"It doesn't matter," Alice replied between quiet sobs, "I can beat you up after we find Bella."

"Deal."

"Hey, Edward? Do you guys have an extra car?" Ronan asked. "All I have locally is my bike at the Swan house, and if I find Bella, I don't have an extra helmet-"

"Um, yeah, sure," Edward responded, tucking Alice under his right arm as he turned. "Alice, can he take the Jeep?"

Alice nodded furiously, dabbing her eyes with a tissue, "Of course. Yes, yes. I'll get the keys."

Alice rushed back into the house, her blouse a rumpled mess and hanging off her left shoulder, and Edward sighed. _I've hurt her again... Why can't I stop hurting everyone who matters to me_? Ronan tossed the Volvo keys to Edward, who caught them deftly. The booze had long worn off, but he was far too drained to consider driving tonight.

"Who's out looking already, aside from Charlie and the deputies?" Ronan asked.

"Just them," Alice replied, followed by Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie. "We figured we'd wait for you, to divide it up... We need to be efficient," she added, tossing Ronan the Jeep keys.

"What's everyone doing here?" Edward asked, confused.

"We're going to look for Bella," Rosalie replied firmly. "She's family."

Jasper's eyebrow raised at this declaration, and Edward didn't blame him. Rosalie had never shown much concern for the affairs of the Cullens, aside from Emmett, and he hadn't been privy to the coffee date she and Edward had earlier in the week. Edward flashed her a look of gratitude, and she nodded slightly.

"We should check La Push," Ronan suggested. "It's where she went last time she was upset like this."

"Hasn't Charlie checked there?" Edward asked.

"No, his deputies have. But I know about places the layperson wouldn't look in."

"You shouldn't go alone," Edward insisted. "Sam and Paul are pissed with you _and_ Bella now."

"Then I'm going with him," Emmett piped up, cracking his knuckles. "Been looking for an excuse for a good fight."

"Emm, don't start anything," Rosalie warned.

"I won't, baby," he promised, kissing her forehead. "But I can finish it, right?"

Rosalie chuckled, her fingers reaching to toy with a stray curl, "Of course you can. I can't stop you anyway. Edward, Alice said Bella was in Port Angeles?"

He nodded, "Yeah. Her therapist threatened to hospitalize her and she lost it, and ran out. Unluckily for us, she was coming down the stairs as we took the elevator, and she snagged her truck from the lot."

"Maybe she's in a shelter?" Rosalie suggested. "There are two near there, and one is a walk-in soup kitchen type of affair with limited beds. I can call around, check with a few contacts and put them on watch?"

"Contacts?" Jasper asked.

"Rosie's a social worker, Jasper. How did you not know that?" Emmett asked.

"It doesn't matter," Rosalie interjected. "I'll get on the phone, and then check a few hospitals in nearby counties in person."

"Someone should stay here, in case she shows," Alice said quietly.

"I will," Jasper volunteered. "Everyone call in what you find to me, and I'll keep everyone else informed. Alice, why don't you take Edward out in my car and check around the local haunts, like that spot we used to go to after school?"

"By the creek! Bella likes sketching there; she told me so, before..." Alice broke off, swallowing hard. "Let's go."

Organized in chaos, the group quickly dispersed in several directions, Edward following his sister to the cherry red Grand Prix parked just outside the family garage. Alice's face was ragged, and Edward kicked himself for not being able to take the wheel and let her rest. If she'd spent the last two nights with Bella, she'd been introduced to her ever more frequent night terrors, meaning she likely hadn't rested much at all. Alice made quick work of adjusting the seat and mirrors; this was blatantly a common routine for her.

"Creek first?" Alice asked.

"Yeah, let's start near the school and circle outward," Edward agreed. "Maybe we should call Newton? I know she hates him, but maybe she's thinking of where we _won't_ look?"

Alice turned the engine over and reversed, "Can't hurt. Did you call-"

"I've left her two voicemails."

"Shit," Alice mumbled. "I left four, and tweeted twice. I... It's like deja nightmare, you know? Driving, searching, not knowing if you'll find..." Alice sniffed loudly, "You know."

"I know," Edward whispered. "I'm so sorry for that. I hate that you had to-"

"You lived." Alice turned to her brother, forcing a smile, "No matter how awful it was, it would be worse if I didn't have you."

"I love you, Tink."

"Ditto, Eeyore."

Edward dug into his front pocket, arching his back and yanking his phone free. Scrolling through his contacts, he pressed send on Mike Newton, his free hand reaching out to power up the satellite radio tuner.

"Hey, Mike, it's Edward... Um, have you seen Bella recently?... That long, huh?... Yes, call me if you see her, okay? She's... She's kinda missing... No, no, don't panic. Just call if you see her around... Thanks, Mike."

"Nothing?" Alice inquired, hitting her turn signal for the stretch towards Forks High.

"Hasn't seen her since work a few days ago. Sounded really upset when I told him she's AWOL; he's not lying."

Alice pointed to the speakers absently, "I love this song."

Edward listened silently, the lyrics hitting close to his terrified heart, piercing the heavy armour he'd slowly built up through the years of loss and disappointment. A memory gripped him: Bella, clawing her arms in her room. Having a bad night, just like he was. _Don't think - just feel_; that was the lesson she'd tried to teach him, wasn't it? But he hadn't learned it, not in time to prevent this clusterfuck. He'd overthought until too many feelings flooded his being, drowning him in the furious wake of past and present colliding.

"_Pop tart  
Can you envision  
A free world  
Of clear division  
For too long  
They held us under  
But I know  
We're getting over  
In Detroit  
With the Nashville tears  
Like you said it's  
Down in the heat with the broken numbers  
Down in the gaze of solemnity  
Down in the way you've held together  
To try to hold on_..."

Edward flipped through his phone to the media folder, opening a picture of Bella from her birthday party. _Hold on, Bella. Try._

* * *

_September 30th, __7:48 p.m._

"Your name, miss?"

Bella looked up, startled from her daydream, "Um, Marie. Marie Cullen."

The elderly man began filling out the paperwork, pulling a key from a locked cabinet. "You any relation to the good doctor?"

"He's my uncle," Bella answered quickly, tugging nervously at the strings of her hood.

"And he doesn't have room for you up at that big ol' house?"

Bella frowned, "Well, he does, but I arrived a day early. The family's camping until tomorrow night, and I mixed the dates up. Scattered brain. Good thing I'm not a doctor, huh?" Bella joked weakly.

The elderly man chuckled, depositing her cash into the till and handing her the key. "We all can't be doctors, or there'd be no patients! Now Miss Cullen, that's cabin 2, just around thatta way," he instructed, pointing through the window. Check out's eleven, but it's off-season, so feel free to stay into the afternoon, on the house."

"Um, thanks. That's really nice of you." _But unnecessary_, she added silently.

"Anything for the doctor. He took good care of my daughter a few years back. Cancer. She's in remission now, three solid years."

Bella smiled, "That's really good to hear. I'll let him know you said hi."

"You're a sweet girl! Let me know if you need anything."

Bella nodded politely and headed out into the chilly evening, pulling her hoodie tight around her. Three Rivers Resort, near La Push, was a small gathering of cabins alongside camping facilities, primarily a tourist trap, albeit a nicer one. It served Bella's needs, however, and that was why she'd sought it out: quiet, a place to park her memorable truck out of sight, and the kind of place that wouldn't take ID from an 'innocent' looking girl who knew her way around. A few quick mentions of the diner and Waylon, the regular 'Santa' who visited sick children at the hospital each year, and Bella was golden.

Cabin 2 was a single cabin, quaint and slightly cramped, but possessing a mini-kitchen, bed and bathroom, which would be enough. She was only staying the one night, after all. Just enough time to finish putting things in order.

Dropping her backpack onto the bed, Bella first attended to her aching kidneys, the hours of driving and slugging water having taken their toll, particularly on a very empty stomach. Shooing a spider from the sink and onto the window sill, she splashed water on her face, grimacing at the circles beneath her eyes. _I look like a fucking raccoon_.

Whatever; beauty meant nothing, especially now.

Setting up her pictures, including the one of Rachel, Jacob and herself at La Push, Bella flopped onto her stomach on the bed, the mattress a little _too_ soft, but still cozy enough. Nudging her ear buds into place, Bella pressed play, shuffling her newest playlist. It was named, simply enough, _Edward_. Chester Bennington's voice flooded her ears as she slowly opened her worn journal, flipping back to an older entry, written the day before she had first spoken to Edward.

_I do things now, not for myself, but for others. I only go to therapy so Charlie feels better. I work at Breaking Dawn, even though I know I won't live to see the day I become a full artist, because it makes Ronan feel like he's helping me. And he does help me; he brings me music and movies, and we drink 'til we're stupid once a week and argue about The Sex Pistols and The Clash. It's just not enough._

_The nightmares are getting worse again. It's always the same: bloody water, Rachel's eyes, and fingers on my throat. I think it's half metaphor but the last dream dictionary I checked didn't list 'dreaming of the person you killed while getting choked like a bitch' for some reason. Maybe I should write the publisher. Maybe I should tell the Notorious J.O.N.E.S about it. She might hug me, though, or have me do one of those lame life cycle exercises where you coil in an itchy blanket and pretend to be born or something. That would be like her._

_Besides, I think she enjoys being super-skinny for her age and telling Jessica to eat. Who am I to get in the way of her fun?_

_Music is all I have to tether me to this earth, and it's really just a thread. I really loved how everyone blamed Columbine on music, how they blame every bad thing teenagers do on music. Music saves people. I probably would have tried to off myself sooner without it. I'd already be dead now. Manson, he gets misery. His latest tunes suck the proverbial ass, but if you look to gems like Coma White and its mate, Coma Black, how can you deny his genius? It's just diluted, beneath the pap of Evan Rachel Wood's attention-whoreish clinging to him. _

_Team Dita all the way._

_Song of the day: Coma Black, of course. _

_~My mouth was a crib and it was growing lies  
I didn't know what love was on that day  
my heart's a tiny bloodclot  
I picked at it  
it never heals it never goes away_

_I burned all the good things in The Eden Eye  
we were too dumb to run too dead to die_

_This was never my world  
you took the angel away  
I killed myself to make everybody pay~_

_Someone should pay; might as well be me._

And then, Edward had spoken in therapy, shocking everyone in the room with his outrage. Beautiful, even in anger. Passionate. She'd known his passion well, through music, through his touch. But didn't Shakespeare warn that such intense burning, gunpowder and sparks, would only kiss and consume, annihilating both parties?

_Ugh. Shakespeare's biggest cliché is now my life._

Flipping to a fresh page, Bella began to write in earnest, the red ink fitting. Her words were her lifeblood, her soul, the shapeless given form. It wasn't much, the ramblings of a mental patient who apparently belonged in a padded cell, but it was all she had to give now.

_Edward, I am so sorry for everything_...

* * *

_September 30th, __11:21 p.m._

Edward was a dog.

Seated around the large dining room table, the Cullen children, Rosalie and Jasper were playing Monopoly, Emmett's suggestion. He'd selected the dog because it was Bella's favourite piece, but his heart wasn't in the game. No one's heart truly was, but once Edward had refused to sleep, his siblings insisted on staying up with him.

Ronan had taken his bike home, Emily's frightened calls from Port Angeles pulling him from the search around ten. He and Emmett hadn't found Bella, although they did glean an interesting piece of information from Embry Call, one of the nicer Quileutes, as Ronan explained. He told Ronan that he'd seen Bella's truck driving along the 110, just east of La Push, shortly before 6:30 that evening. No one that would speak to Ronan had seen Bella at the reservation itself, nor did anyone know where she had been or why. Embry had promised to call if he saw her again, but Emmett didn't trust any of the people of La Push, not after he learned, via Embry's reference, of how badly Sam and Paul had treated Bella.

Rosalie had no luck, either, and had gone as far to expand her search to Seattle and its hospitals and shelters. Jasper had told Edward, speaking in a hurried hush, that he'd heard Rosalie crying for a solid ten minutes in the bathroom after making her last frantic call. Her usual make-up was absent now as she pushed her car token around the board, halfheartedly threatening to 'crush Emmett's empire'.

It was all halfhearted; they were simply counting the hours until daylight.

"Edward?" Alice asked gently. "Your roll."

"Hmm? Sorry."

He rolled the pair of dice then moved forward, landing on Water Works. A fitting property for him to own, considering he was scarcely making it twenty minutes without crying now. Thankfully, his family and friends were above calling him a bitch or a pussy for his hyperemotional state.

Charlie had arrived home just as Ronan was picking up his bike from the Swan driveway, the two of them stepping inside and quickly realizing that Bella had passed through at some point in the night. The living room was missing pictures, and Bella's room looked ransacked, papers from her drawers littering the floor and her closet left open, several hangers - empty and full - knocked to the ground. But the kitchen table was the most disturbing scene of all: Bella's phone lay, discarded and nearly dead, beside a page torn from a notebook, tucked under a vase.

_I'm so sorry Dad, for everything I've done that has ruined your life. I love you so much, even if it seems like I spit on it. Nothing was your fault, not even the truck._

_Bella_

Edward had insisted they keep looking for Bella, but Charlie, now aware via Ronan that the extended Cullen family had been out in full force for hours, suggested they go home and rest, allowing the deputies to continue looking for his daughter until morning, when he planned to check out the Olympic State Park grounds. Edward had no doubt that Charlie was sleepless, likely seated on the couch, hoping Bella would call or return; why he believed they would sleep tight with Bella missing, he couldn't say, aside from the practice of reassuring friends and family as a police officer.

From the look of her phone, Ronan didn't think Bella had heard her messages. There were several outstanding alerts for missed calls and voicemails yet to be opened and cleared. _She doesn't know how sorry I am, how I breathe for her. And I can't even call her._

"You look tired," Alice said, rubbing his arm lightly.

"I'm not going to sleep, Alice. So stop asking me to."

"Maybe you should just lie down and rest?" Jasper suggested.

Edward rose from the table, kicking the chair out from beneath him, "Would you all just fucking _stop_? I can't sleep with Bella out there, maybe _dead_, or hurt. How can any of you look me in the eye, _knowing this is my fault_, and think, 'Yeah, Edward can relax! Hey, let's watch TV, or play games, or charades!'"

"All we're saying is you've had a long day, and tomorrow could be even longer," Alice said quietly.

"It doesn't matter, Alice. I'm just getting what I deserve."

He left them then, scarcely hearing Jasper's plea to Alice to 'give him a minute' as he shoved open his father's study, slamming the door behind him and falling to the floor. He cradled his head in his hands, the pounding of desperation and dehydration ever louder, Edward relishing the pain. _Punish me. Hurt me. Just protect Bella, wherever she is. She's all that matters to me_. Bella loved the study; books were important to her, almost as important as music. She'd borrowed a few from Carlisle over the last few months, mostly books on psychology and philosophy, but also fiction. Her favourite new find was a book called House Of Leaves, which she described as, 'the source text Paranormal Activity totally fucking ripped off.'

He'd been searching eBay for weeks, trying to find the original 'colour' hardcopy pressing for her Christmas gift. Thus far, the only luck he'd had was Australian sellers, and he feared it would be damaged in transit, mishandled by the wondrous customs officers of the good ol' USA. Several bookstores were on alert for a copy for him now.

Rising to his feet, he meandered to the fiction section, grateful his father filed books in alphabetical order, precise and orderly. Under D, he found Danielewski's tome, and pulled it from the shelf. It was a paperback copy, given to Carlisle by a patient, and the corners of the cover were well worn. Edward switched on the lamp near a recliner in the corner of the office, settling into the enormous chair and turning to the first page. The pages smelled of Bella: strawberries, vanilla, sweetness.

Alice entered slowly, pausing at the door, reluctant to intrude. "You wanna be alone?"

Edward sighed deeply. _She loves you, asshole; be nice_. "Yeah, but... I mean, if you want to grab a book...?"

Alice smiled warmly, "I think that sounds wonderful. Been a while since I've read Peter Pan."

"Predictable, Tink," Edward chuckled, setting his book down to help her reach the top shelf.

"It never gets old," Alice replied. "I like believing in magic."

Passing her the book, Edward frowned, "I'm sorry for losing it."

"No one blames you. It's like Liz, you know? You couldn't have seen what would come next."

The crying, again. Edward felt his knees buckle, felt himself lower to the ground. He felt his tiny sister wrap around his shoulders, felt her warmth against his moist cheek, heard her murmured reassurances. _But_ _I should have known, Aly. I should have._ His sobs grew louder as Alice hummed softly, stroking his hair as she'd always done in his darker days. Alice was like their mother: emotional strength and passion. It was moments like this when the reality of the wounds he'd inflicted upon her in April truly resounded for Edward, when he realized how much Alice gave the family, never asking anything in return, save one request: stay.

"Aly, I'm so sorry," he pleaded. "I always take and take..."

"Never be sorry," Alice admonished him gently. "Never be sorry for taking love from people, Edward. Love is meant to be given."

"Who holds you?" Edward mumbled. "When you cry?"

"Jasper. Emm. Dad. You. Mom."

"Mom?"

Alice kissed the top of his head, a strange feeling given her petite stature, "I close my eyes and I can remember her... How she smelled. How soft her clothes were. I ask her to visit me, and she always does. Don't you ask?"

Edward shook his head, "I... I don't know..."

Alice lifted his chin, forcing him to face her, "Let's ask together."

As impossible as it seemed that it would matter, that it would work, Edward began to pray for his mother, beg for her. He thought of her face, caramel locks tumbling into her eyes as she sketched designs for their home. He remembered the flour that exploded once as she baked, remembered laughing at her pale face and dusty clothes. He thought of her smile, as she tended her meadow.

And he felt it: warmth. _Love_.

"Hi, Mom," Alice whispered. "Love you."

The heat where Alice did not touch him, the strange sense of _presence_ in the room... it overwhelmed Edward, shook him. But it also felt safe. He felt protected, sheltered.

"Mom?" he asked tentatively.

The warmth intensified, the reading lamp flickering in the corner briefly, and then, it was gone. Gone far too soon.

"No, come back," he begged. "Mom?"

"The chair," Alice said simply. "Go read."

Startled and saddened, Edward half-crawled into the chair, pulling the book back onto his lap with a slight thud, the weighty text heavy on his weary body. Alice sprawled on her stomach, flipping her own book open with a contented sigh and a sniffling. Again, he opened the text. Again, he swore he could smell Bella, embedded in the thick paper.

The chair grew warmer, and he sunk into it in shock, understanding Alice's words. _She's still here._ At his surprised gasp, Alice looked up, smiled, then resumed reading, her finger following along the page in a habit that had never died out from her childhood. With a deep breath, he silently thanked his mother for her love, and began to read.

_"I still get nightmares. In fact I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I'm not. No one ever really gets used to nightmares..._"

* * *

_September 30th, __11:37 p.m._

She undressed slowly, turning down the bed before moving to the tiny kitchenette countertop. Hesitantly, she plunged her hands into the deep pockets of her hoodie, withdrawing handfuls of tiny boxes and packets and piling them beside the coffee maker. Unzipping her sweatshirt with a shaky hand, she hung it over the chair then discarded her t-shirt and jeans on the floor.

His old t-shirt fit loose, comfortable as she smoothed it down her exhausted body, inhaling at the collar as it bumped her nose. _Faint musk. Richness. Sweet cinnamon_. On the bedside table, her journal lay, pen tucked neatly in the spine as always. It had taken hours to get it right, but she'd managed to finally compose something true, honest and complete. Her iPod, near death, was charging now, plugged into the wall near the bed thanks to the adapter Angela had bought for her last Christmas.

Sleep. For all of the trouble she'd had sleeping for years, she suddenly felt as if she could sleep for days. Perhaps it was having finally talked to Jacob, or maybe it was simply knowing she'd said everything she could in the message; Bella didn't know. What she did know, as she laid her head upon the cool pillow, was that she missed Edward, missed the way he cradled her against him as they slept together, his face buried in her neck.

If only she could be held, once more-

_But he won't. You can't. So give up_.

Closing her eyes, Bella hugged herself, knees curling to her chest beneath the quilt. _One day more_. _One more day, and it will be all over_.

* * *

_Oh my God, my fingers hurt. 4000 words of this were in one day. LOL._

_Three Rivers does exist; I have no idea what it looks like inside or who owns it._

_**Extremely sneaky and fun trivia about this chapter:**_

_1. Emilie Autumn is related to the original Alice who inspired Alice in Wonderland... and in turn, inspired my Alice-centric stories. I'm nodding to them here._

_2. Mark Z. Danielewski, author of House of Leaves, is singer Poe's brother (yes, she of the song Haunted in this chapter). Her album Haunted has numerous ties to the book, as each is a response to the loss of their father. Interesting, that Edward chooses that book when Bella's chosen the song._

_3. More trivia about Haunted: my username, casket4mytears, is from a lyric in this song: "Time to gather up the splinters, build a casket for my tears." _

_**We are so, so close to 1000 reviews, so drop me a line. Talk about music. Tell me what you think will happen next. AND... choose an outtake:**_

_**1) Edward and Alice as teenagers.**_

_**2) When Emmett met Rosalie...**_

_**3) An extended version of the bar scene with Bella and Edward in chapter 1.**_

_**Most votes gets written!**_


	31. Chapter 31

_AN: _

_For those who don't follow me on Twitter, the Edward/Alice outtake won out by an extremely slim margin, and will be the next outtake I post. Make sure you're subscribed to the Lost Moments 'story' - I'll get it up soon, hopefully Monday._

_The one song in this chapter not previously referenced is You're Not Here by Melissa Williamson._

_This chapter contains a quote from page 337 (paperback colour edition) of Mark Z. Danielewski's House of Leaves. They're his genius; not mine._

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

_October 1st, __8:03 a.m._

As best Edward could tell, he'd slept about two hours before Emmett had gently roused him and Alice from where they'd fallen asleep in the study. He'd made it a significant way into House of Leaves, the book still open on his lap in the leather chair. As he'd moved to shut it, a quote on the page struck him:

"_Can't help thinking of old man Z here and those pipes in his head working overtime; alchemist to his own secret anguish; lost in an art of suffering. Though what exactly was the fire that burned him?_"

Their father had returned home from his shift at around six, instructing them to call and wake him if anything was found regarding Bella. His face was weary and ashen, his hands unconsciously wringing themselves. He'd done the same at Edward's bedside in April, as he recovered from his overdose.

The disheveled and weary group stood together on the Swan driveway, Bella's father arguing over the radio in his car with deputies on how best to proceed with the Olympic State Park search. Minutes prior, he'd informed the group briskly that no sign of Bella had turned up overnight, nor had her credit or debit cards been used since five the previous evening. No reservations were found in hotels or inns in Clallam County, Port Angeles or Seattle, nor had anyone spotted her truck on the road.

"Yeah... Listen: this is _my daughter_ we're talking about, and based upon her mental health, it is extremely important we act sooner, rather than later. I don't care who you have to offer overtime pay to from the forces in the area; get me the damn man power!... Fine. Thanks."

With a sigh, Charlie slid out of the cruiser, flashing a harsh look at Edward, "We're waiting on enough people to do a thorough grid search of the park area. We could start without them, but there's the risk of doubling up areas and missing others. The terrain's pretty rough, and there have been several sightings of bears and wolves lately. I'd rather you not venture into the area, personally."

"We have to do something," Alice said softly.

"You could keep searching the populated areas," Charlie suggested gruffly. "I don't know where we could have possibly missed checking, but it's always worth a shot. If she kept moving all night, it could be a bad game of hide and seek we're all playing."

"We should probably check La Push again," Ronan suggested. "She was there yesterday; maybe she slept somewhere and will return today? I could try asking around with more of the Quileutes, see if anyone saw her."

Charlie frowned, "Yeah, that's probably good to do. Ronan, did you check the cliffs?"

"Not a trace of any activity, Chief. No footprints, no clothing, no debris."

"Hmmph." Charlie Swan scratched his head, his eyes darkened with sleepless worry. "Check again, will you son?"

The loud ring of Edward's phone startled the group, all eyes on his weary frame as he glanced at the call display. His eyes widened as he registered the number and quickly slid his thumb to answer the call.

"Edward? This is Michelle."

"Michelle," Edward repeated for the benefit of those with him. "Have you seen Bella?"

"No, no I haven't," Michelle answered sadly. "Edward, I tried to reach Bella's father about ten minutes ago, but the home line was busy."

Edward swallowed hard, his heart beginning to race. "He was on the phone with the county hospital. Michelle, what's wrong?"

Michelle hesitated briefly, her breath audibly catching over the line. "Edward, I came in this morning to prepare for my appointments and in checking through one of my locked cabinets for inventory, I noticed some things missing..."

"What was missing?" Edward demanded, already sensing the answer.

"Ativan. Wellbutrin. Several samples of each. I keep the cabinet locked, Edward; I swear I do. But just before Bella's appointment, I rushed to take an emergency call and she was alone in my office for ten minutes." Michelle paused, her voice strained. "Edward, the quantities she took, coupled with her usual prescriptions for those medications and her Depakote... There's a strong potential for lethal overdose."

"Fuck," Edward muttered. "Michelle, what if she-?"

"Find her, quickly. Call me when you hear anything?"

"Yeah."

Edward ended the call, leaning back against the Swan porch, distraught. _Did anyone check for her medications here? Why didn't we think to look? What if Bella...?_

"Edward!" Alice shouted. "Edward, what did Michelle say?"

With a heavy sigh, Edward looked to his worried sister's face. "Bella stole drug samples from Michelle's cabinet yesterday. Bad ones. She just tried calling you, Chief Swan, but the line was busy."

There was a chilling silence as each member of the search party took in the gravity of this information. If Bella, a known suicide risk with a history of attempting to end her life, had a stash of fatal pills even before she'd been threatened with hospitalization, it was an enormous red flag. Bella was already desperate before Michelle pushed her over the edge; with her effectively disappearing from the planet since seven the night before, when her missed call carried to Edward's voicemail, the prospects of finding Bella... unharmed... They grew slimmer by the second.

"This is _your_ fault," Charlie growled, stepping towards Edward. "You _abandoned_ her! _You_ did this!"

Edward had never been so grateful to be sober in his entire life as Charlie Swan swiftly and brutally struck out with a left hook, scarcely missing Edward's jaw as he ducked and swerved right, stumbling towards a horrified Alice.

"This isn't helping!" Ronan shouted, appealing to Charlie as he continued to advance. "Bella needs us to look for her!"

"We wouldn't have to be looking for her if it wasn't for this bastard here!" Charlie screamed as Emmett thrust himself between Edward and Bella's father.

"I may be guilty as fuck, but this isn't _all_ me," Edward countered, bile rising within him. "Who basically told her that she was a fucking disappointment for ruining his buddy relationships with a tribe of people who hit women? Yeah, Bella _cried to me_ about that-"

"Edward, _stop_," Alice pleaded, Rosalie keeping her from entering the fray with her tiny clenched fists.

"What _right_ do you have to say _anything_ about me or my daughter?"

Edward wrestled with Emmett, who found himself attacked on both fronts now, "I'm just saying what we all fucking know! Every single one of us should have seen this coming!" A firm hand seized him from behind as Charlie clawed past Emmett, and Edward cursed Jasper's interference. "No, let him go! Let's fucking fist fight, because that's going to solve everything!"

Ronan wrapped himself around Charlie, who kicked and cursed violently as he dragged the man backwards, "Charlie, stop! Both of you are being children! Bella could be overdosing _right this damn minute_ and she'll _die_ because we're too busy playing King of the goddamn Pity Castle!"

Edward seethed as he stared down Bella's father, his chest heaving in fury. Emmett remained in the space between the restrained men, eyes darting back and forth anxiously. _Ronan's right; we're wasting time_. With a grumbled promise to behave, Jasper reluctantly loosened his hold on Edward, who reached out for Alice's hand. She accepted it, squeezing it tightly as she stifled a sob.

"Let's look for Bella," Edward ordered. "Ronan, Emmett, check La Push again. Check wherever they lay their dead to rest; maybe Bella went to see Rachel?"

"Done," Emmett declared.

"Let me go," Charlie snarled at Ronan.

"I won't hesitate to tackle you if you go for him again, Chief," Ronan swore. "Bella wouldn't want you two fighting, and right now, _she's_ all that matters."

Charlie hesitated, then nodded, rubbing his arms as Ronan released him. "For now, I'll hold my tongue."

"Get in line behind me," Alice chirped, attempting to lighten the mood. "Edward knows I'm going to beat him senseless when we find Bella."

Edward shrugged, "I'll happily take it."

"I want to check around here again, local wooded areas where someone might camp out and hide," Jasper said thoughtfully, "That creek you mentioned, Alice, and where we found Bella the other night-"

"I'll go with you," Rosalie offered. "I know a few places where I used to park to hide from my parents."

Jasper nodded his assent, "Good. Thanks, Rosalie."

"We should check Port Angeles again," Alice said. "Most of her friends are there, and she has a key for your place, right Edward?"

He nodded vigorously as Ronan added, "She has one for my and Em's place, as well as the tattoo parlour."

Charlie thrust his hands into his pockets, hunching his shoulders, "That leaves the park for the deputies and I to canvass. If anyone finds Bella-"

"My dad's resting at the house, but he'll answer the phone and relay," Alice interrupted. "Kind of like a calling tree? Or you can call me."

Charlie nodded, "Very well."

"Let's go, Tink," Edward insisted, craving an escape from the eyes of one Charlie Swan, which were proof that looks couldn't kill - or else he'd be dead on the driveway.

Alice gave her assent and they began a hasty departure, Edward leading them towards his Volvo, when she suddenly paused, turning back towards Bella's father, her eyes wide.

"Chief Swan?"

"Yes, Alice?" His voice softened, his affection for Alice as apparent as his disgust for Edward.

"When you checked if Bella had a room anywhere... well, how do you check?"

"We called around, looking for reservations under Swan and her mother's maiden name, Dwyer," Charlie replied. "Nothing turned up anywhere that we checked."

Alice thought for a moment, as if debating her choice of words, then asked, "Did anyone check under Cullen?"

Charlie grimaced at the mention of their name. "No."

Alice shrugged, "Just a thought. You drive, Edward."

The group slowly dispersed, Edward taking the wheel this time in the Volvo, now that he was no longer coursing alcohol in his veins in lieu of actual blood. With a sigh, he pressed his head back against the seat, smacking the steering wheel in frustration. He knew he bore a heavy weight in this mess, what with his abandonment of Bella in the worst possible situation and his cowardly inability to phone her once he'd realized how irrational and foolish he'd been to act in that way. But Bella's father had hurt her deeply with his remarks before her disastrous visit to First Beach recently, as she'd sobbed to Edward the next night after she'd reconciled with Ronan. She carried such tremendous guilt over Rachel; he understood that now, more than ever. The guilt was two-fold: she felt to blame for Rachel's demise - which, in some part, she was responsible for, having placed the girl in a risky situation - and she also felt guilty to be alive at all. Survivor guilt, as Carlisle had explained to him this morning, was an enormous part of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder for cases like Bella's.

_How do you live when you feel you don't deserve to breathe?_

"Edward?" Alice asked softly, prodding him from his thoughts.

"Yeah, sorry," he mumbled, turning over the engine. "I was just feeling sorry for myself, as usual."

"Hush. Let's focus on Bella, okay?"

Edward nodded, pulling out onto the road and edging the stereo volume higher. Music always soothed him, when nothing else would suffice. It was a bond he and Bella shared: music was their lifeblood, their passion, their language. They had often spent darker nights together, flipping through songs on their respective iPods, conveying the tumultuous emotions that ran through their synapses, arcing and skipping from brain to heart and back again. He found himself humming along with the song playing, remembering how Bella had given it to him on one of her many mixes.

_"A song from a video game, Bella? Really?"_

_Bella shook her head, slapping his arm playfully, "Screw you! Akira is amazing; half the reason the Silent Hill series is praised is due to the instrumentals and music he pens for the games. Besides, this song's outro just grips me."_

A song from every source, for every rhyme and reason: that was Bella's claim to fame among her friends. When Angela had wanted to create a love mix for her anniversary for Ben, Bella was the one who'd helped her craft it. When Mike had jokingly asked Bella for music for the porno he intended to make one day, she'd made a raunchy mix of lusty songs. And somehow, her offering Edward this song felt prophetic, as the lyrics rang true.

_"Never felt so lonely, then you came along  
So now, what should I do?  
I'm strung out, addicted to you  
My body aches when you are gone  
My supply fell through  
You gladly gave me everything you had and more  
You craved my happiness..._"

"Bella gave me this song," he noted, flipping the signal to merge onto the main road that would carry them out of Forks.

"It's very her... Self-sacrificing love," Alice mused. "She always had a song to say anything."

Edward paused, his heart skipping. _A song to say anything_..._Songs_... Without warning her, Edward violently jerked the wheel to the right, pulling onto the shoulder to the honked protests of a driver behind them and Alice's surprised shriek. Parking the car, he killed the song playing and seized his iPod.

"Edward! What the fuck?"

"Alice, don't you see? Bella told us everything."

"Edward, what are you talking about? Do you need me to drive-"

"Alice," Edward insisted, "What did Bella last tweet?"

Alice paused, her eyes widening, "A few quotes and random phrases, and _three songs_... Fuck! Why didn't we think of this before?"

"Because I was drunk as shit and you were worried out of your mind? Pull her Twitter up on your cell phone, Aly. If Bella had anything to say to you, me, Ronan... It would be in those last messages."

Alice scrolled quickly, launching her browser and tapping her foot impatiently, "Because Dad always says that seventy percent of suicides-"

"Communicated that desire before the act," Edward said, completing her thought. "Bella has a song for everything, Alice, just as you said. There's got to be more there... Even if she thinks she wants to die, she doesn't... She wants me to see it and come back, wants you to figure it out. She doesn't know I called her, so she probably feels more alone than she's ever felt. Aly... You once mentioned that the thing that made you panic was the fact I was listening to Nirvana, right?"

"Yeah..."

Edward sighed, "Fuck, I'm... Aly, I knew you'd pick up what that would mean for me. A part of me wanted someone to make me... believe in hope, I guess?"

Alice nodded, "I wish I'd figured it out faster... Okay, do you want the songs, or the other tweets?"

"Give me the songs, in order. Bella pretty much loaded her music collection onto my computer, so it should all be on my iPod now."

"Okay, the first one is... Isobel by Dido. She paired it with a quote by someone named Tracey, but I have no idea what it's about."

Edward scrolled through the artists list, clicking through to Dido and selecting the song. "Isobel... Isabella... Bella would have found it amusing in an ironic way..."

The sad, mournful song began slowly, but quickly made sense as the chorus approached. _Bella knew she wanted to die, but she's not that sure... She wants us to see it as a positive thing_. Edward explained this to Alice, who quickly nodded as he repeated the key lyrics that struck him:

"_Dear Isobel, I hope you're well  
And what you've done is right  
Oh it's been such hell, I wish you well  
And hope you're safe tonight  
It's been a long day coming_..."

"What's the next song?" Edward asked, hitting pause.

"Um... Haunted by Poe," Alice replied. "She also quoted The Life of David Gale here, a quote he says when he's in prison waiting to die... We watched it the other night together."

Edward nodded, queuing up the song and pressing play, "We watched it recently, too... She's a closet Kate Winslet stalker," he joked weakly. "She's seen all her films."

The lyrics of the track seemed clearly about her past regrets and how much they haunted her, how desperately she longed to undo what had already been done. There were several lines that struck him as possibly relevant, but he waited, wanting to weigh them against further information to be gleaned. Alice's phone rang, and she answered it nervously as he turned the volume down.

"Hello?... Oh, Chief Swan!... Last night? And that place is... Did you call Ronan?... Okay, thank you for updating us. That's good news. Thank you."

Edward looked askance, "Alice, what is it?"

Alice heaved a sigh of relief, "She was alive as of an hour ago. They found a reservation for her under Marie Cullen at Three Rivers. It's this place between Forks and La Push: rents cabins, camping spaces. Apparently, she told the owner she was Dad's niece. Charlie said she checked out just after seven this morning."

Edward's heart raced as he smiled faintly. There was hope. Bella was probably still alive. Maybe she hadn't yet taken the final steps to end... herself. The urgency of Edward's mission grew, a suffocating blanket as he fumbled with his iPod, waving it at his sister as he struggled to find words.

"N-Next, Aly. H-hurry."

Alice scrolled, "The End of the Innocence by Don Henley... and a message about Donnie Darko stuff. Cellar doors."

"Cellar door is what starts Donnie on the course that ultimately leads him to course correct and sacrifice his life to save everyone else's misery from happening," Edward noted sadly. "Drew Barrymore says it to him when she's fired, remember?"

"Yeah, that's right! But what about the song?" Alice asked.

Edward paused, "It's one that Bella and I have listened to a lot..." Pressing play, he sat the iPod down. "This one _must_ have a clue somewhere in it..."

Edward closed his eyes, his fingers lightly miming the piano work of the ballad as it played. _Come on, Bella; tell me what you're thinking._ Alice remained motionless beside him, she, too, transfixed on the speakers, desperately attempting to make sense of metaphor and melody.

_"But I know a place where we can go, still untouched by man  
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by  
And the tall grass waves in the wind  
You can lay your head back on the ground  
And let your hair fall all around me  
Offer up your best defense  
But this is the end..._"

"Shit!" Edward cursed, thrusting the car back into drive, "Why didn't I think of this?"

"What, Edward?" Alice demanded as he merged left, drumming the steering wheel.

"I'd feel it, wouldn't I? If she were gone?" Edward demanded, edging the speed up.

"Yes," Alice agreed, "But Edward, where the hell are we going?"

"Call Dad!" Edward cursed as he approached their house, "Tell him to get his bag ready to meet us."

Alice kicked the floorboards in frustration, "Meet us _where_? Edward, you're not telling me _anything_-"_  
_

"I know where she's gone, Alice." Edward glanced in his rear view, making a sharp lane change as he struggled to breathe. "I can't believe we didn't fucking check last night. I just hope she hasn't done it yet."

* * *

_Have you put together the pieces? Where has Bella gone and why?_

_Review, review! _

_**Also, my little mystery/thriller/horror tale is starting to ramp up. Check out Deliratio; it's pretty character driven and spooky, dark fun. Check for it in my profile!**_


	32. Chapter 32

_AN: _

_Looks like we all are clever like Edward and figured out the one place someone ought to have thought of already... But will they make it in time? **Caution: strong images/themes of suicide. Read with care. If you or someone you know is suicidal, please, reach out, tell someone. Tell me, even. Contact a local crisis line. Don't give up.**  
_

_SM owns Twilight; I own my much pained characterizations and plots that break hearts (sorry!). This chapter contains flashbacks/italicized portions of other chapters; you'll see what I mean._

_**Songs key for this chapter:**_

_Hey Jupiter (Dakota version) - Tori Amos *first song quoted*_

_Settling - Tara Maclean *second song quoted*_

_Jukebox - Ani Difranco_

_Broken Glass - The Gathering_

_Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd *third song quoted*_

_**After first break**_

_In The Air Tonight - Full Blown Rose_

_**After second break**_

_Hold On - Sarah McLachlan_

_Every Time It Rains - Charlotte Martin_

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

_October 1st, __7:33 a.m._

Bella's fingers flexed and gripped the wheel tighter as she made her left turn onto the main drag, her hair pulled forward in hopes of obscuring her features. While her truck was pretty atypical for the younger residents of Forks, she knew of a few older men who drove similar trucks. She had left early, hoping for a smooth journey to her destination, without interruptions or being caught; if she were tracked down, she knew she'd have to put up a fight, something she wasn't sure she was capable of. The local deputies knew her by name, had known her father for decades. Disrespecting them would be incredibly trying, and Bella simply didn't have the capacity to _try _anymore... not for anyone or anything.

She'd fashioned a playlist quickly that morning, just before turning in her key to the kind owner of Three Rivers. She'd lied to the poor man, telling him that 'Uncle Carlisle' had received her messages and would be meeting her shortly at their home. In her cabin, she'd left a brief thank-you note for him: something positive for the days ahead. No doubt he'd feel responsible in some way; people always did, when it came to suicide. Wasn't Edward proof of that with Liz?

_Edward..._ To think his name renewed her fervent tears, and she swiped them away as she pressed her foot down harder, singing softly with the pained voice coming through her speakers.

"_No one's picking up the phone  
Guess it's me and me  
And this little masochist, she's ready to confess  
All the things that I never thought she could feel_..."

There was simply too much now, too much emotional weight. Her back broke beneath it, her lungs heaving as she struggled to breathe within the clutches of its undertow. But why bother, when her future was already scripted, a life of lies and disappointing everyone? Why swim, when sinking was so much easier on everyone? No one would have to rescue her anymore; they could move on, enjoy their lives. It would hurt at first; Bella wasn't blind to the fact that people loved her, for better or worse. But that love was overshadowed by the anguish of coping with her pathetic mood swings and neuroticism. She couldn't even stand herself; how could she expect anyone else to do so?

The second Ativan had dissolved under her tongue already, a mild wave of euphoria sinking in. Absently, she fumbled for a third, popping it in her mouth as she edged the gas higher. This was the riskiest junction of the drive; one more turn and she would be free. They would all be free.

"_No one's picking up the phone  
Guess it's clear he's gone  
And this little masochist is lifting up her dress  
Guess I thought I could never feel the things I feel and  
Hey Jupiter, nothing's been the same..._"

The long winding road that the Cullens called a driveway was barren, not a soul in sight. Bella briefly wondered if they knew of her disappearance, but then remembered Alice and knew it was surely broadcast among them. Bella regretted allowing Alice to bond with her; she had been through enough loss without this piled upon it. If there was a higher power, she hoped it would take good care of Alice, as well as her father and Ronan. And... _him_.

Bella found her turn-off and pulled in along the road, tucking her truck half behind a cluster of nearly barren trees. The last thing she needed was a roaming squad car to find her now. It was too late to change course.

Killing the ignition, Bella plugged her ear buds back into the iPod, turning the music up as she dug through her backpack for a bottle of water. The lid opened with a crackling as she broke the safety seal, her other hand popping out seven Wellbutrin tablets. A week's supply. Her hand trembled in spite of the tranquilizer in her system, and for a moment, her brain began to scream. _You said you wouldn't do this to Charlie! You told Ronan you'd try! Maybe Edward... maybe he can forgive you? You don't have a phone. You should have a phone. Call them. Drive home. Drive to __Alice_.

"But I didn't know Charlie was ashamed of me!" Bella sobbed at the voice in her head, swallowing the first pill. "I didn't know I was ruining Ronan's friendships!" A second pill, and then a third, Bella nearly dropping the rest. "And why would Edward forgive someone like me, when a drunk driver killed his first love, probably his only _real_ love?" Four, five, six - _c'mon and get your kicks_, Bella continued, a song always in her skull, even when listening to another one. The music in her ears was sadder, mournful. Besides, she would never be anyone's girl, not ever again.

The last pill, she took with a shot of vodka, from the small mickey she'd bought at the gas station when refueling. _Liquid courage?_ Some would call her a coward; that was how people always were about suicides. 'So selfish! So cowardly!' Bella shook her head angrily, fumbling for another blister pack of Ativan. _No one who's ever fucking felt this way would ever think it was selfish or cowardly. _There was nothing harder, nothing more calculated and considered, than ending one's life. It wasn't an easy choice, or a fun one. If there was a way-

_But you tried. You Tweeted and called and waited and there was no hope. They just want to lock you up, throw away the fucking key. And why not? You're so goddamn annoying and whiny - pathetic, really. You're saving them effort, futile effort. You'll never change, little leopard. Those blood spots on your hands won't wash out. _

Bella wasn't stupid; she'd looked things up before that appointment with Michelle. Ativan had a recommended cap of 10mg per day. Wellbutrin XL capped at 450mg. She had sailed clear over both of those, and still had several more tablets to go. To be absolutely sure this time, she'd packed a little insurance in her backpack.

Stepping out of the truck, Bella slung her bag over her right shoulder, her vision blurring slightly as she crunched through fallen leaves and other natural debris. _Death is natural_, she thought. _Everything ends. There is a season, turn turn turn, just like the song, right_? The sun was just beginning to rise, the indigo sky bruising a deep scarlet as she wound through the forest, following her instincts and body memory.

"_Oh the leaves, they fall  
They go so far, sometimes  
Do I blame the wind or the tree that let it go?  
Or do I wave goodbye?  
Settling..._"

The memories came, unwanted, unbidden, technicolour flashes before her eyes as she stumbled along, taking her time. Why rush? No one was coming. This was no fairytale.

_"You can't sleep in a truck in __Port Angeles__. It's not safe."_

_"I'll be fine. And if I'm not, then the world will be doing me a favour."_

_"Hey... Admittedly, I'm just the asshole from the worst group therapy sessions ever, but I don't think I could deal with finding out you became the first homicide this year, not when I might prevent it. I live two blocks away and the couch is comfortable. You're welcome to crash there."_

What had he been thinking, inviting her home? His life was a tempest at best without her added chaos. He needed a sane, sturdy girlfriend, someone who would love him as is, who would coax him from his shell and show him the incredible beauty beneath. Someone who could soothe him. Someone who could help him learn that he was not Springsteen and was therefore not born to run.

Someone better than her.

Bella's hands pushed through a tangle of branches and she emerged, triumphantly, in the one place that felt pure, untouched by her failures. He had loved her here, loved her so well. It was the one place she felt she could come to him, if only in thought, and bid him farewell. Her head spun and she staggered forward as if drunk, then managed to reclaim what little equilibrium she'd ever had.

_"I used to come here all the time. Alice, Emm and I would have private parties out here, and Mom was always planting flowers and tending the ones that were indigenous. Her favourites were the __Dodecatheon jeffreyi __-__Jeffrey's shooting star. There's a cluster of them just over there..."_

Bella fell to the damp earth where she and Edward had once been, tangled together in grief, in love, staring at the flowers that meant so much to him. The brilliant magenta radiated in the fresh rays of dawning light, the blossoms dusted with dew. _Beautiful_. It was something she could never be, neither inside nor out. She just wasn't capable of it.

Her mother had always said she was an old soul in a young body; maybe she'd merely reached the end of her soul's time.

More vodka, and more pills. Ativan, Depakote from the medicine cabinet, a handful more of the Wellbutrin. Bella knew there was a chance she'd vomit them if she worked too quickly; she was staggering on purpose. It was no guarantee, but she would do her best to ensure her exit, stage left. She blinked hard as the wildflowers seemed to grow taller, looming around her as her heart skipped and raced wildly, a frightened creature scurrying in her chest. In her mind, it had legs and arms, and scraped its fingernails on her ribs, burrowing a way out of its prison. Bella slapped at herself, muttering for it to stop. The rat-heart would not comply.

"_Together or not at all_."

It was what she'd said to him, and she'd meant it. She was alone now, not together; that left 'not at all' as her only choice.

Her hands fumbled with the tiny jeweler's box, prying open the lid and revealing the tiny object wrapped in stained wax paper. _The last one_. She'd thrown the rest away, but clung to this one, unable to relinquish this last emergency resource. Bella shook her head as she unwrapped the sliver of sharp metal, stolen from Charlie's things. It sung to her, sorrowful and sinister.

"Just a little scratch," she whispered, remembering the first time she'd taken sharp to skin. "And then a little more..."

By the time they'd hospitalized her after the truck incident, her legs, abdomen, chest and wrists were a strange latticework of lines, fat and thick. One was never enough.

_"Favourite colour?" Edward asked._

_She smiled shyly, "Today, it's green, like your eyes."_

_"Mine is blue, like my emo mood."_

_"Emo would be black. Don't you know the emo rules?" She admonished him._

_"I guess I skipped that day at school. I skipped a lot of them_."

With a ragged gasp, Bella brought the straight razor to her left wrist, but found herself pausing as her fingers longed to make that first vertical slash. _What if... Edward felt so awful about doing it here. It was his mother's place. Maybe this is a bad idea... No, shut up! He'll understand. He'll know why it had to be here. He has to_. The blade quivered, a tiny droplet of blood welling up beneath it as the flowers and tall grasses blurred into a strange kaleidoscopic dream, her chest tight. Breathing hurt; each intake forced her battered heart to beat faster, louder, and it whined and strained with the effort. The muscle was atrophying inside of her, even as she counted the minutes, the seconds... She could see it, see sinew and tissues stiffening, suffocating.

So tired...

The razor fell from her grasp, her fingers cold, shuddering. Weak. Why was everything so orange? Even the birds seemed to hold their breath, the silence roaring as she palmed around in the grass, wincing as tender flesh slid along a precise edge. Salt filled the thick air and she coughed, her eyes hanging low, squinting to assess the damage.

"_I wanted to show you this tonight, because I want you to understand how important you are to me. Aside from family, only one other person has ever been here with me before you. This is my place, my sanctuary. And now, it is also yours_."

The iPod had stopped. She slapped at the button, music playing softly in her ears as she slumped over her backpack, fumbling for her journal. _It's here, right? It's here? It's... Oh._ The familiar leather felt delicious, warm beneath her fingers. _How can leather be so warm?_ It then occurred to her that the leather wasn't warm at all.

Bella was cold.

"_There is no pain; you are receding  
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon  
You are only coming through in waves  
Your lips move, but I can't hear what you're saying..._"

So perfect it was a cliché. And she was numb, lying atop her heap of items, but, she mused, not comfortable. Her heart began to miss beats in pairs, and she felt survival instincts kick in: _I'm dying. This is it_. What was more frightening than this knowledge was the sudden demanding voice within her that simply refused to lie back and accept this. It _refused_ to die. And Edward refused, too.

"_Bella, you have to breathe slower and deeper or you'll pass out. You have to breathe with me, okay? Stay with me, please? Try it; take the deepest breath you can and hold it_."

"I c-c-can't," Bella wheezed, crawling a foot towards her truck, then falling prone. _No one can save me now, even if I want to be saved. _

"_Bella? Talk to me," Edward whispered urgently._

_"You're going to leave me," she blurted out automatically, cursing inwardly as her voice rang out on the quiet street corner._

_"What? Bella, I couldn't leave you. You give me reason to breathe." Edward pulled back, his hand tilting her chin to meet her troubled gaze. "Why would you think that?"_

_Bella shook her head, futile in her fight against the tears welling up, "I just know you will. I wouldn't blame you, either."_

_Edward's green eyes locked on her, intense and loving, "Bella, I promise you, right now, to never leave-"_

_"Don't! Don't promise. You can't know. Don't pretend you do."_

And she'd been right. _I told him not to promise, didn't I? _But he'd insisted that he would always be there for her, always take care of her. Where was he now? The music was garbled, words slowly losing shape and form. Melody scarcely seemed real as she again lurched, crawled, then fell, choking and gasping for air.

"_I have become comfortably numb_..."

Numbness. Cold. It would be over soon.

"L-love y-you," she managed, the forest a wall of strange sound and perverse light.

Edward was running. In her dream, he ran towards her. He loved her.

"Bella!"

His voice was so loud, that one word shattering the cacophony, reaching out to cradle her, as he'd once clung to her body. Sweet misery. Masochistic sight. But it was the one memory she longed to carry with her to the other side, all the same, and she felt her lips curl into a slight smile. One last look...

The world mercifully faded to black.

* * *

_October 1st, __8:23 a.m._

She felt the blood drain from her face as she clutched her cell phone to her ear, her brother's response echoing in her skull.

"The meadow?" Alice gasped. "No, not where-"

"Where I tried to die? Yes, Alice. It's the one place that makes sense. I took her there after Jessica's funeral. It was where I first told her I loved her. She's looking to find me, any piece of me she can."

"Fucking- Hello? Daddy! Dad, get your bag and head for mom's meadow... No, Edward says he figured it out from Bella's words... She's got enough pills to do it. I-... Okay. Okay."

"Fuck!" Edward cursed, wrenching the Volvo down the small back road, "That's her truck!"

"Did you hear... Okay. Okay." Alice hung up, large orbs tumbling loose from her eyes. "Dad's calling an ambulance and heading to meet us."

"Good," Edward whispered, shutting off the car and throwing his door open. "We have to hurry, Alice."

Alice trembled as she stepped out onto the grass, leaning against the Volvo for support. "I can't do this again," she sobbed. "I can't run and find another person I love _dying_ again!"

"Alice," Edward breathed, pulling her into his arms. "Hey, we can do this. You're not alone, and Bella needs us. We're her only chance, just like you were mine. Do you want to wait here instead?"

After a brief hesitation, she shook her head, "No. No, let's do this. Bella."

Edward took her by the hand and together, they began to run, Alice forcing her tiny legs to carry her as fast as her brother's long strides, their hands shoving at branches and carving a new path through the woods. Her heart was racing, her breathing jagged as she saw her almost-sister clearly in her mind: she was broken inside, fragile, pale. Crimson on cream as she pulled her hand to her face, wincing. _Blood. Bella's bleeding_.

There wasn't enough time.

Alice pulled her hand free, screaming at Edward, "I'll catch up"

Edward didn't question her; like Jasper, Edward understood that Alice knew exactly what she was doing, and why it ought to be done. He disappeared just through the brush ahead as she clung to her chest, her heart aching as visions of Edward and Bella blurred and merged in her mind. _You can't take her now! I won't let you_! Her fists pumped as she pushed through the pain, dodging tiny limbs that sought to scratch out her eyes, and found herself sinking to her knees as the brush gave way to a clearing.

Bella was face down on the earth, her hair tangled about her ashen face. She mumbled, incoherently, then closed her eyes.

"Bella!" Edward wailed, rushing towards her prone form.

Distantly, Alice heard footsteps, heard her brother wailing as he turned his beloved over onto her back, smoothing her hair from her cheeks. With a stumble, she pressed herself up to her feet, ran to his side, to _her_ side, and felt for her pulse. Behind her, her foot grazed something bulky. _Backpack_. Alice struggled to count beats, but there was no rhyme or reason, and she didn't have her watch.

_She's so cold. Edward was so cold_.

"Her pulse is skipping and stopping," Alice said quietly. "Edward, we need to get her to Dad, right now."

"Alice, I can't lose her," he sobbed hysterically, cradling her to his chest. "Help her. Help me. I can't lose you, Bella. I love you so much."

"Pick her up!" Alice demanded. "Hurry! The house!"

With a choking gasp, Edward nodded furiously, gently cradling Bella as he rose to his feet. "It's okay, Bella. Hang on."

Slinging Bella's bag over her shoulder, Alice darted ahead, the weight of Bella's limp form allowing her to overtake Edward. The same exposed roots and wet debris haunted her from April, Alice nearly turning her ankle in the exact same spot she'd injured herself in pursuit of her brother. Through the woven branches ahead, she caught a glimpse of blonde hair and called out, nearly breathless. The footsteps drew closer on both sides, Alice enveloped in a wall of thunder as Edward and Carlisle's paths collided.

"Where's the ambulance?" Edward demanded as Carlisle quickly began assessing Bella's vitals.

"I heard them pulling in as I ran out this way. I called Charlie; he's on his way to the house." Carlisle shook his head as he bowed over Bella's lips. "She's barely breathing. Do we know what she took?"

"She stole Ativan and Wellbutrin, and Michelle says she also had Depakote prescribed to her," Edward said, his eyes darting between Carlisle's hands and Bella's closed eyes. "She's so cold..."

"Let's get her back to the house. We need to pump the drugs out of her at the hospital, and quickly."

More running. A blur of green and brown, feet sinking into the dirt. Alice struggled to keep up, fading in and out of the scattered, desperate exchanges between her brother and father. _This isn't happening. Not again. Not again, please, not again_. Flashes of blue on green: lights. _Ambulance_. The pathway gave leave to the expanse of yard behind the Cullen home, Edward now running full-out to bring Bella's limp body around front, where paramedics were facing off against an irate and frantic Charlie Swan.

"This isn't good," Alice whispered.

And it wasn't; Alice would later say that Edward had only been spared being knocked out cold by the police chief by virtue of his clinging to precious cargo - the daughter of said chief. Gently, Edward placed her on the gurney, stepping back just enough to allow the paramedics and his father to attend to her. A hand of comfort upon his arm was shrugged away, and Alice's heart fell.

"What's wrong with my daughter?" Charlie was full of rage as he hovered, ignoring both the paramedics and Carlisle as they asked him to step back a little for Bella's sake.

"Blood pressure is 101 over 58!"

The other paramedic shook his head, "Severe tachycardia. We need to move her."

"Breath support and monitoring until we reach ER facilities. I want her on an IV flush en route," Carlisle ordered.

"Is she going to be alright?" Charlie asked frantically, as Edward sobbed into his hands.

"I hope so, Charlie. Follow us to County," Carlisle replied calmly, assisting with loading Bella into the ambulance.

"I want to go with you," Charlie said.

"Charlie, I need room to move around and help her," Carlisle replied. "We'll see you in five."

"Aly?" Edward whimpered.

With a forced deep breath, Alice nodded, "I'll drive."

The Porsche was waiting for them and they moved quickly at Alice's insistence, grateful for her perceptive assessment of Bella's father. His vicious glare at Edward before slipping into his cruiser said plenty, enough that Alice demanded Edward's phone, her own abandoned in the Volvo. _We might need manpower... again_.

"Jazz?" Alice murmured. "We found Bella... She OD'ed. Dad's taking her to County right now in the ambulance; Edward's with me... Her dad's on his way, too. Can you call Emm and meet us there? It could get... Thanks. I love you."

Edward's fingers drummed on the car door, his knee shifting up and down nervously as Alice broke her usual driving rules and blew 20 over the limit. Edward needed to be there, in case she... _No. I'm not going there!_ But it was too late; in Alice's mind, she saw Bella in a casket, one like her mother's, and she stifled a sob as she signaled to turn into the emergency parking lot, nearly slamming into an oncoming vehicle as she thoughtlessly gunned the engine through a light.

"Aly?"

"Sorry," she mumbled, sloppily parking in the spot furthest from Chief Swan's vehicle. _Precaution_. "I'm not really here..."

The dam broke, in spite of her best intentions. Alice collapsed against the steering wheel, sobbing loudly as she punched the dash. _This wasn't supposed to happen! They were supposed to save each other!_ Edward embraced her, tugging her gently over to his side, and she let herself go limp, unable to remain strong a moment longer. It was all too much like before: another ambulance, another body, another agonizing wait to see if someone made it.

"I can't do this again," Alice wailed into Edward's shirt.

"I'm so sorry, Tink. I'm so sorry I made you do this again," Edward whispered. "I'm here with you."

"Is she going to die?" Alice asked, sniffling.

"I don't know," Edward murmured. "I fucking hope not. I really fucking hope not, because she can't leave without understanding that she's beautiful, and kind, and intelligent as hell. But we won't know until we go in."

Alice nodded, sighing, "I'm so tired..."

"Me, too." Edward yanked and twisted his hair roughly, "C'mon, Tink."

* * *

Although they entered alone, disoriented and distraught, they weren't that way for long. The waiting area for family and friends in the emergency department fast became crowded as the Cullen extended family and Bella's friends began pouring in. Time seemed impossibly slow, for Edward in particular. He counted the specks on the ceiling tiles. He scrutinized every snack food offered in the vending machines. He drank the coffee Emmett forced into him, ate a bite of Alice's oatmeal muffin at her behest.

Charlie was the only one who'd been permitted beyond the waiting area's garish red chairs - understandably, but equally frustrating, since Carlisle was nowhere to be found. Every time he'd hounded a nurse or candy striper, they'd shrugged sadly and said that they only knew that Bella was being 'stabilized', whatever the fuck that meant.

"I'm going back there," Edward threatened for the fourth time in two hours.

"Edward, no. Don't distract them from helping her," Ronan said, taking his turn at the 'keep Edward from being ejected' game.

"Why haven't they told us anything?" he demanded, kicking the wall. "For fuck's sake!"

Emmett stepped into his path and Edward groaned. _Don't even try to tell me to calm down, or so fucking help me_...

"Look: you can't go back there, but staff can, right? Let's see if I can talk a nurse into finding Dad, alright?"

Edward sighed deeply, infuriated by his brother's rational suggestion that he ultimately couldn't argue against. _I need to see her. I need to talk to her!_ With a shrug Emmett took as assent, his brother wandered to the registration desk, talking low to the older nurse manning it. Edward watched her glance over, then back at Emmett, nodding reluctantly. Her hand moved to her phone, a brief conversation held, then Emmett returned triumphantly.

"She asked the ICU nurse to get a verbal report for us," he explained.

"Thanks, Emm. I'm going out of my fucking mi-"

Edward froze, his eyes locking on his father as he emerged at last from the operating theatre wing, his eyes averted. _Oh, fuck. No. Don't tell me she's gone!_ The bare thread that tethered Edward to sanity snapped under pressure and he slumped against a wall, scarcely able to support his own weight. Emmett, following his gaze, dragged a chair over and forced him onto it.

His father looked very nervous. _WHY THE HELL IS HE NERVOUS? _Edward tapped his foot impatiently, biting his lip hard enough to draw blood, as the assembled friends rose and gathered near the door.

"Dad! Dad, what's going on? Where's Bella? Why won't anyone tell us anything?" Alice fired off quickly. Her eyes were swollen from crying against Jasper's shoulder.

"I need for all of you to listen very, very carefully," Carlisle began, turning his gaze to Edward. "Let me finish before you ask any more questions or panic."

"I'm already fucking panicked," Edward snapped. "Is Bella okay? Please, just fucking tell me already?"

Carlisle sighed, "We pumped Bella's stomach to extract the bulk of the drugs she'd ingested, but a fair deal of it, particularly the Ativan, was already in her blood stream. She seems to have staggered the dosing, but I can't say for sure. She's on a steady IV and we're going to send her for dialysis to continue to flush the drugs from her liver and her body." Carlisle paused, as if choosing his words carefully. "I haven't made it out sooner because Bella suffered two violent seizures upon our arrival here, which often happens with an overdose of Wellbutrin, particularly in someone who suffers from disordered eating due to electrolyte issues. Given Bella's tendency not to eat when depressed, she was at risk."

"Oh, God," Alice whimpered.

"We've managed to stabilize her heart and blood pressure with medications, and she never went into cardiac arrest. That's a good thing. She's a fighter-"

"I want to see her," Edward demanded. "Dad, please, I have to-"

"Edward," Carlisle said gently, "I'm not quite done yet, okay? You need to hear everything."

Edward growled, kicking the wall, "Fucking hell! Dad-"

"Edward, _stop_." Carlisle's tone was a clear warning, one Edward reluctantly heeded. "Bella is fighting to stay alive, but her body has taken a terrible blow on a chemical level. Bella... Bella is in a coma."

_Coma_? Edward felt his stomach roll, acid bubbling up his throat. _Coma?_

"Is she going to be alright?" Ronan asked, edging forward.

Carlisle sighed, "We don't know. A coma is a normal symptom of overdose for all of the chemicals she ingested, and is also a way for the body to do a sort of deep recovery. Everything depends now on when she wakes up. Until she does, it's hard to say if the overdose had any lingering effects."

"She might not be... Bella?" Edward asked quietly, clenching his fists. "Her mind might not be-"

"Or she might be, but her physical controls may be altered, temporarily or permanently. I really don't know." Carlisle sighed, a deep sorrow in his eyes. "Let's all think positively. Once we check her blood post-dialysis, we may be able to gauge how long a toxic level of drug was sustained inside her, which may give us more of a clue as to her prognosis."

"Can we see her?" Alice asked.

"Not all at once," Carlisle cautioned. "Charlie has paperwork to handle and phone calls to make, so Edward? Now might be a good time. Alice, you can go, too."

_A coma... Bella might not wake up the same. Bella might not be able to laugh her hearty, loud laugh, or tie her shoes, or remember... anything? Some things? _Edward swallowed hard, following his father down the hall slowly, Alice clutching his hand as much for herself as for him. _Will she remember me? Rachel? __Alice__?_ Edward shook his head, struggling to take Carlisle's advice to heart. _Think positive. It's early. He said a coma is normal for what happened. It's okay, Edward. Bella's body is just really fucking tired_. Rounding the corner into her room in the ICU, Edward continued to pep talk himself. _Bella just needs some time, and a little more IV, and she - OH, GOD!_

He wasn't prepared for this. He wasn't prepared to see Bella like this, with machines and wires swarming her, the blipping and beeping of monitors drowning out the shallow breaths facilitated by _another_ machine... Edward thrust himself into the bathroom across the hall, his stomach wrenching itself inside out as he both gagged and sobbed.

Bella was a shell, a husk, strapped into a bed like a prisoner. _Why are they tying down my Bella?_ He wretched again, spitting and closing his eyes, haunted by Bella's eyes as he'd found her. She'd seen him, but not _him_ - she hadn't recognized his presence fully, hadn't understood that he'd made it, that he'd understood her little clues and messages. _She needs to know_. _She's so loved, by so many people_. Struggling to his feet, grateful his family had allowed him privacy, he rinsed his mouth out and patted away the cold sweat he'd broken out in. _Is this what I put __Alice__ through? Emmett? Dad? _Edward grimaced at his reflection. Although he was beginning to understand that at the time, he couldn't have seen an alternative, this walk in the shoes of his loved ones only served to solidify his vow to never given in again, no matter how much pain life dealt him.

Except Bella... Losing Bella was a whole other story.

Stepping out into the hallway, Alice looked up at him, her face anxious. "Are you okay, Edward?"

"Okay enough," he mumbled. "I want to see Bella."

Alice nodded, allowing him ahead of her as they reentered the room. The lighting was all wrong; it lent a jaundiced look to her normally gorgeous ivory complexion. She was too thin; he'd make sure her belly was full of good things, when she woke up. And she would wake up; she had to. _Dad said 'when', not 'if'. _Yes, Bella would wake up.

Settling into a chair beside her, Edward reached out for her hand, gingerly holding it. She was so cold. They needed to turn the damn heat up, bring more blankets for her. He'd demand them. She remained still, almost unreal; Bella was always in motion, always twitching or shifting from her anxiety. It was all wrong.

"Why is she tied down?" Edward asked Alice.

"In case of another seizure, maybe?" Alice suggested. "Dad didn't say."

"Bella?" Edward whispered, leaning over to lay his face beside hers. "Bella, it's me. I love you. I'm so sorry I let you down. I won't do it again, if you just... Come back." His voice cracked, tears staining her pillow. "Come back, Bella. Please."

The monitors droned on, oblivious to the turmoil their presence caused. _Beep. Beep. _

* * *

_Although I researched my ass off, medical types may spot errors. My apologies. _

_*prepares for more outbursts of 'You left it THERE!'* Review and let me have it. I'm trying to wrap your outtake of Edward and Alice before the weekend; it's my anniversary and naturally, fiance and I have plans. _

_Reviews are like great music: they feed the soul, creatively and emotionally._


	33. Chapter 33

_AN: _

_This one's long and weird, but one of my favourites... Stay tuned to the end notes on this one._

_This chapter quotes the following, in order, and all of these songs should be considered key to this chapter:_

_Thirty-Three - Smashing Pumpkins_  
_Hold On - Sarah McLachlan_  
_Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler_  
_Everybody's Got A Story - Amanda Marshall_  
_Macbeth V, v - Shakespeare_  
_Swim - Jack's Mannequin_

_In addition, another song that runs as background during this chapter *cued when the meal tray is abandoned* is The Goodbye Letter by Jet Set Satellite _(**the lyrics are incredibly telling**)_. The opening half was inspired by Butterfly by Tori Amos._

_SM owns Twilight; I own my plot and bastardizations of her characters... and I swear I didn't smoke crack before writing this. LOL._

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

**"_Speak to me in a language I can hear  
Humour me before I have to go  
Deep in thought, I forgive everyone...  
I know I'll make it, love can last forever  
Graceful swans of never topple to the earth  
And you can make it last, forever you_..."**

**Thirty-Three - Smashing Pumpkins**

* * *

Twitch. Flutter.

_Ow!_

A flexed finger. A toe. _Counting little piggies, are we_? The darkness inky, sticky-sweet, cloying poison.

"_While the __Glasgow__ Coma Score is not as precise as once believed, a score of __8 after two__ days generally suggests a 67% chance of regaining..._"

Static. White noise. A delicate soprano sings.

"_Now you're sleeping peaceful, I lie awake and I pray that you'll be strong tomorrow, and we'll see another day_..."

Flutter. Twitch.

_Let me out!_

Flex. A stirring of a creature, meek as a mouse. A strangled inhalation, and another flutter.

Awakening.

The room was white, save for the shiny metal of the valves labeled oxygen and... something? A beeping droned on, increasing its impertinent tempo, and she groaned softly, each sonic wave a boom in her skull. Her hands refused to draw closer, to tug at the uncomfortable tubing at her nose. With a guttural growl, she willed her limbs to obey.

_A hospital._

It cut. Something cut into her flesh and she lolled her head to the left, her squinting eyes widening at the sight. Leather bands bound her to the bed, her wrists scarcely able to bend and stretch. _Why the fuck am I tied down?_ But then, she knew why: they'd imprisoned her. They'd caught her, snared her in their little traps, and now, she would lie here to rot, lie here until she finally gave up and died.

_So fucking tired. Thirsty_.

A shuffling of feet in the hall sent her heart into her throat, leaping gazelle hell-bent on its preservation in the face of predators. And, as the athletic raven-haired woman in the white and grey scrubs entered, she longed to follow her heart and find refuge.

"You're awake," the nurse spat out. "About time."

She pretended to busy herself with examining the charts, scribbling down numbers from the godforsaken monitors before her gaze settled on the patient's prone form. Reaching for a Styrofoam cup of water, bendy straw floating within, she offered it to her captive, who sucked greedily at the contents, draining it dry.

"Better?"

She nodded weakly, swilling the last bit of water around her mouth, moistening it further.

"Good. This will be so much more fun if you're able to scream."

"Leah?"

The raven-haired beauty chuckled, "Were you expecting someone else? Where do you think you are, Bella? Heaven?" She sneered, rolling her eyes.

Bella's eyes darted wildly around the room, lamenting the emergency call button dangling just beyond her reach. _I should scream. It's a hospital. Someone has to help me! Someone... _Glancing at her wrists, thick, angry red lines wept, and she sighed in resignation. Of course. This wasn't a hospital at all.

It was purgatory. And Bella had many, many sins to atone for. Against her will, Bella sobbed loudly, a single tear rolling down her cold cheek.

"How precious! She's actually scared? Wait here," Leah cooed. "I have a special surprise for you. Just you wait, Bella Swan. You will _finally_ get what you deserve, you pathetic, sad bitch!"

Nurse Leah's heels clicked as she sauntered out of the room, leaving Bella helpless and hopeless. But was there any right to hope, to happiness, after all she had done to hurt others in her life? _No. No, you really don't deserve anything more than this. Give in. Let go_. The beeping began to recede, mercifully, and Bella's eyes fluttered shut. _Let go... Let go... Let_-

"Psst! Bella? Bella, wake up!"

A tugging on her wrists shattered her reverie, and Bella's pupils locked upon another familiar face. The young Quileute yanked and tugged at her wrist restraints, releasing first the left, then the right. Wild eyes searched the hall, returning to the pale, prone form before him.

"You need to hurry! She's coming back!"

"I... So tired..." It was more of a whimper than a statement.

"No, get up!" Seth Clearwater begged "You can't stay here. Don't you understand?"

"This is what I deserve, Seth!" Bella cried. "After everyone I hurt, this is the least I can endure..."

"Do you really want to die?" Seth demanded angrily. "Do you? Can you say goodbye to them all for good?"

Bella frowned, massaging her left wrist absently. Blood smeared along the porcelain flesh, streaks and swirls beneath her fingertips.

"I'm already dead, Seth."

"Are you sure?" Seth kicked the bed, stepping backwards. "Get up, Bella. _Please_!"

It struck her then, the knowledge etched into her soul by his piercing brown eyes. _This isn't purgatory. This is life! I have to run!_ With a mewling, Bella stiffly swung her legs over the side, the cold tile of the hospital floor shocking her limbs out of atrophy. Her right hand slowly reached for her face, tugging the breathing apparatus free before yanking at the wires reaching for her chest.

"C-cold," she murmured. "S-so c-cold."

"Moving will warm you," Seth assured her. "You don't have time, Bella! Get up!"

"Okay, okay." Bella winced as she rose to her feet, nearly tumbling sideways as her knees locked up. "How long was I-"

"Too long! Shit, I hear her," Seth mumbled, edging towards the doorway. "I'll stall her. Go left."

Teetering forward, Bella padded awkwardly along the tiles in her gown, her hair damp and matted to her skull. "Seth... I... Thank you."

Her arms clumsily reached to embrace the muscular teen, dressed only in denim shorts and a white tank. She closed her arms around him then stifled a scream as she fell forward against the door frame, heart palpitating.

Seth was a ghost.

"Fuck me," Bella whispered.

A clicking of heels sent her whirling, Bella dodging out the door and to the left, leaning heavily on the dingy walls of the ICU ward. Beneath her feet lay a blue line, leading around a corner ahead to destinations unknown. No longer certain of what was real, beyond the solid concrete beneath her palm, she traced its path, toes splayed to maintain her precarious semblance of balance. Water trickled from her ear and she pawed at it, confused. But she did not stop; the clicking was growing louder, insistent, a metronome. _Click-click, click-click,_ keeping time.

She was running out of time.

The wall cornered sharply, taking her to the right, where the blue brick road terminated at the open doorway of a brightly lit room. Within it, vaguely familiar voices argued over the droning of a TV.

"I swear you're cheating!" the male boomed.

"I don't need to cheat against you. You're simply not in my league."

Bella heaved a desperate breath, her lungs aching and small, as she threw herself into the room, praying that whoever lay within would help shelter her from Leah's grotesque intentions. Her knee collided with a plastic chair, propelling her against a small round table. Adjacent to it was another table, where a vivacious blonde and muscular jock fought over the familiar yellow and blue frame of Connect Four.

"Rosalie? Emm?"

The blonde looked up, smiling warmly as she adjusted the crisp lab coat she wore. "Bella! I'm so glad to see you. I know it wasn't easy."

Bella frowned, edging closer as she waved frantically at the door. "Leah... You have to... She's trying to-"

"She can't come in here," Emmett reassured her, inserting a black disc into the farthest slot. "Your go, Rosie."

On the TV across the room, Bella recognized an episode of Glee. It was the one where Rachel and Jesse broke up. Lea Michele belted out Total Eclipse of the Heart for all she was worth, and Bella winced in shared agony: "_I don't know what to do. I'm always in the dark. We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks_..."

Rosalie laughed as she slid a red disc into place, chuckling at Emmett's irritated expression. "Connect four, babe!"

"Seriously! I don't understand how you do this!" Emmett leaned back, glancing at the TV. "Are they in a ballet now on this damn show?"

"I was always one to connect dots," Rosalie mused softly, meeting Bella's gaze. "Connection is important. It's not something to be severed in haste."

Bella nodded, sliding exhausted into the plastic chair beside Rosalie and gazing at the TV, singing softly, "_Once upon a time, I was falling in love; now I'm only falling apart_."

A shuffling of feet and squeaking of wheels sent a tremor through Bella. _Leah_. Despite Emmett's assurances, Bella gripped the table before her, turning to the man she once believed would someday be her brother.

"Don't let her take me!" Bella pleaded hoarsely. "Please, Emm?"

"It's just dinner time," Emmett replied nonchalantly.

_A flash, a laughing group of people in an enormous living room. A plastic bag of candy clutched in her hand. "Gummy bear?"_

The footsteps paused, and Bella pressed her eyes shut, willing away this strange nightmare. _None of this is real. Leah wouldn't be here. Why is Rosalie dressed like a doctor? _Bella bit her lip, struggling not to cry out as she palmed a red game piece, turning it over her knuckles.

"How are you all here?"

"Because you wanted us here," Emmett replied. "Look."

Hesitantly, Bella's scrutiny met with a familiar face in a set of pale blue scrubs, pushing a cart with a single tray into the room. A stethoscope slapped against her slight cleavage, her brown hair pulled back in a lazy twist and the sunlight gleaming off the metal in her lip.

"Hi, Bella."

"Ang? What-?"

With a heavy sigh, Angela reached for the tray, moving to place it on the table before her. "Serving up what you requested. I really think you should have gone with the other option, but you're an adult."

"Other option? Angela, please, what's going on?"

Angela shook her head, retreating backwards from the room. "I'm not allowed to tell you. I love you, Bella."

"Ang!" Bella screamed. "Don't go! I don't understand!"

"You look hungry," Emmett commented as Angela's cart squeaked around the corner. "You really should keep your strength up."

Bella's eyes flitted from Rosalie to Emmett, their concerned faces almost patronizing. "I don't... I don't remember choosing-"

"Let's see what was on the menu," Rosalie suggested gently.

Bella's hand grazed the domed lid of the covered tray, uncertain whether revealing the meal was wise. If Angela had believed this to be a poor choice, what good would come of examining the contents? And yet, Bella admitted, she was famished. Perhaps just a little bite of something would help steady the wild and darting thoughts caged in her cranial cavity? With baited breath, Bella lifted the lid - and dropped it, the loud clang as it struck beside her feet echoing through the room.

Upon the tray, carefully arranged, were a series of pills, encircling a straight razor.

"Hmm. That doesn't look like a cheeseburger," Emmett commented, returning to his game.

"No," Bella whispered. "No, I don't want this..."

"Then find another tray," Rosalie concluded blandly. "There's always a choice."

Her hands struck the offending plate, sending it soaring across the room with a bang beside the TV screen. _No! No, I want to go home!_ Struggling to her feet, Bella glanced back at Rosalie and Emmett, who were again consumed with their game. _They're no help._

"Connect the dots, la la la," Rosalie sang.

With a grimace as pain shot up through her calves and into her spine, Bella ran down the hall, ignoring the flickering fluorescent bulbs overhead as the hallway dimmed towards an emergency stairwell. _Out. I need to get out!_ Stumbling, half-running, her feet aching from lack of support, her hair tumbled into her eyes as she zigzagged towards the crash bar, refuge promised beyond a steel door without windows. The wall to her left was stained a burnt shade of almond, splattered and peeling... _Is that blood_? Bella thought, gagging. _Keep moving!_ Her head pulsed and pounded, trapped in a bad industrial rave with the speakers cranked too high, and she clutched her left temple, moaning softly, but refusing to give in. As the tiny red Exit sign drew nearer, a pair of new voices gave her pause, and she found herself frozen at a T-shaped juncture, where to her left lay potential danger.

"...I'd like there to be an open casket, if possible," the gruff voice said, rich with emotion. "You know, to... to say goodbye?"

"Of course, Chief," the other replied. "We'll do all we can. Organ donation does not deter from that."

_Chief?_ Terrified, Bella peered around the corner, her eyes welling up as she saw a sight she'd thought lost forever.

"Daddy?"

Her smile of recognition faded as her father looked through her, heartbroken and weary. "I appreciate all you've done to try and revive her, Doctor Cullen. I just wish she'd let us help her, before it got this far."

"Wait," Bella whispered, her throat raw. "I'm not dead..."

"-You cannot beat yourself up, Charlie. You did all you could for your daughter-"

"I'm not dead!" Bella sobbed. "Hello?" She edged forward angrily, her arm clinging to her abdomen, the flesh distended as the acids churned deep within. "Can't you hear me! I'm _not dead_!"

Her father turned again, his eyes locking on her own. She was no longer invisible. Her hand stretched out in anguish towards him, but Charlie shook his head sadly, running a hand through his graying hair.

"Are you sure?" he asked softly.

"No!" Bella screamed, backing away. "You're wrong! You're all fucking wrong!"

Without a backwards glance, Bella rounded the corner and slammed through the emergency exit, triggering a loud wailing alert tone throughout the dilapidated stairwell. Her feet slapped noisily on the cold cement, Bella struggling to dodge sticky pools of spilled coffee and soda as she cleared the three flights in record time. Her body collapsed through the exterior door with a whimper and the agonizing thud of bone connecting with pavement. The sun proved far too brilliant for her weary eyes and she threw an arm over them, shielding herself from the garish rays.

"I'm not dead," Bella shakily whispered to herself. "I don't want to be dead..."

_Her body slumped over the leather pack, the edge of her journal lodged between her ribs. The music droned on, the words slurring together. Tiny red droplets kissed the grass, her palm split wide._

Rolling onto her stomach, head bowed, Bella crawled along the parking lot towards the lush green of a nearby field. Her left leg dragged along a sharp object and she cursed, the broken beer bottle easily gouging a chunk of her flesh away. _Keep going. Dead people don't bleed, do they?_ Her hands imprinted with deep pebbled markings, she reached out for the curb, tugging her weakened body up onto the grass with a sigh.

_So tired... I can't do this..._

"Bell-aaaaaa!" Leah's voice sing-songed in the distance, sending a shiver down her spine. "Come out, come out, wherever you are, you little bitch!"

"No..."

Her fingers absently clawed the ground, dirt snuggly embedding itself beneath her ragged and chewed fingernails. Her chest heaved, lungs seizing, as she inched her way forward. Futile, really; where was there to go? She should just lay here and wait. The air felt thick, syrupy in her nose and throat.

"Bella!" a girl's voice called. "Bella, this way!"

Her head weakly raised an inch, her eyes rolling up towards the streaming light above. In it, a shadowed lithe form stood, hands on hips, shaking her long hair side to side.

"Get up, sleepyhead!" she laughed.

_Rachel!_

"Oh fuck, I'm dead," Bella whispered. "I'm dead this time. Rachel, I'm so sorry about that night-"

"Bella, seriously? The day's wasting away and you want to babble on about yet another klutzy moment in our shared lives?" Rachel's hand reached out towards her, warm as it ensnared her own. "Now, come _on_!"

Bella struggled to her feet, her knee wet with gashes as she limped behind Rachel. Clad in a white halter dress, Rachel skipped ahead of her at times, reaching back to drag her along whenever she lagged. As they moved beyond the hospital entryway, Bella soon recognized that she was a prisoner here, wherever she was. Looming walls surrounded them on all sides, sixty feet of brick crowned with barbed wire. If Bella squinted hard, she could almost see what was maybe skin caught in... _UGH! I didn't see that_, Bella ordered herself, returning her gaze to Rachel. She was radiant, lively, her skin warm to the touch.

"Why are there walls?" Bella asked.

"There's only one way out of here," Rachel replied. "Even you can figure it out, Bella. Oh, look! Jake!"

_Jake?_ Bella swallowed hard as her sometime lover and friend bounded towards them, her black t-shirt hugging his muscular frame. He grinned as he looked to Rachel, his teeth glowing in the midday sun as he swung her in his arms. Rachel giggled and kicked her legs, nearly catching Bella in the arm as Jacob effortlessly spun her around.

"Put me down!" Rachel demanded.

"Oh, Rachel. You know I will. I've finally found a way to keep you safe forever," Jacob said warmly, gesturing to a large metal cylinder a few feet away.

"Brother knows best, right?" Rachel asked Bella, shrugging nonchalantly.

"Um, I guess..."

"Oh, hey! Didn't see you there, Bells," Jacob said sheepishly. "You look pale. You should eat something."

"Not hungry..."

With a flippant smile, Jacob led his sister to what Bella slowly recognized as a large vat, Rachel seemingly unfazed by this development. Instead, she turned to Bella, tilting her head askance.

"What's wrong with you, Bella? You don't seem like yourself."

Bella sighed, "I screwed up badly with everyone I love and... my heart just _hurts_, Rach. It aches..." Bella winced as another pain shot through her spine, her hand rubbing her tailbone, urging the spasm to release her from its miserable grasp.

"Up you go!" Jacob cheerfully announced, lifting Rachel up and into the vat. A thick sloshing noise caught Bella's interest and she moved closer, peering over the edge of the thick metal container, gasping at what she found.

"Is that-"

"Cement," Jacob answered, grinning. "She can't run off anywhere dangerous if her legs don't move. Right, Rachel?"

Rachel nodded enthusiastically, "It's for the best, really. I can't climb cliffs this way, can I?"

_Arms lashing out, scrambling in murky waters. Dark hair tangled in murky waters. A silent scream, muted by the sea_.

"Rachel, I'm so sorry," Bella sobbed.

Rachel seemed oblivious, twirling her hair as Jacob patted at the cement with a tool of some sort. "Everybody's got a story that could break your heart. Isn't that how the song goes, Bella?"

"I-"

"You're almost out of time," Jacob cautioned. "Go ask Alice. You're late."

"Alice?"

Horrified, confused and weary, Bella stumbled around the corner of the hospital's west wing, seeking some way around the tremendous structure that encircled them, some way out. _If people get in, there must be a door of some sort! There has to be a way!_ Her gown tattered and blood-spattered, Bella pulled her hair back into a messy twist as she staggered along, eyes scanning the horizon, aching for answers to this maddening maze she'd fallen into. Was this how it felt to be truly bat-shit crazy? Was it all in her head? Had Michelle locked her up after all? Was the meadow a dream?

In the distance, a petite pixie-like female in a candy striper outfit read aloud from a large tome to a blonde man in a cowboy hat, her voice animated and loud in contrast to the hushed indecipherable responses of her companion. _Alice_. Jacob's words rang through her skull and Bella knew that, wherever she was, Alice would be the key to understanding it. Forcing herself to jog forward, she called out to her beloved friend, frustrated at her obliviousness.

"..._Tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time. And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusky death. Out, out, brief candle_!" Alice paused, glancing behind her at Bella's frail form. "Just in time for your lines!"

Bella gazed beyond them, to where light refracted off the glistening blue of what appeared to be a lake. "Alice, Jacob said to ask you-"

"Of course I have your lines, Bella! Here, borrow my book!" Alice looked to Jasper, who grinned at the two of them. "I do think it's almost time we got you back where you belong. Right, Jazz?"

Jasper nodded, leaning back against a looming fir tree, "Time flies. Or ravens do. Crows. Have you a crow, Bella?"

Bella sobbed in exhaustion, glancing down at the book. The words were a blur, a mess of lines and loops that no longer registered meaning. _I just need to lie down and rest_, Bella thought, yawning. _Just a little while_...

"Focus, Bella!" Alice demanded. "Read the lines."

"I can't see them," Bella mumbled, her head lolling forward, "Alice, I need to sleep-"

"Not yet!" Alice snapped. "You know this one, I'm sure. I'll prompt you: _Life's but a walking shadow_-"

"_A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more_," Bella absently recited. "Macbeth. Fifth act...Alice, would you mind if I lie down?"

The book fell from Alice's grasp, her lids pressed shut as tears began to fall from her baby blues. With a small shaking of her head, she reached out for Bella.

Her hands were covered in blood.

"Alice? Are you okay?"

"When will the blood stop?" Alice whispered. "Make it stop, Bella. _Please_ stop it..."

With a shudder, Bella looked to the blood on her palms and knee. _Whose blood is it_? Her heart felt slower, labouring in each beat, as Alice's hand ghosted through her cheek.

"Wash it away," Alice said softly.

Colours blurred as Bella walked slowly towards the water's edge, the grass seemingly ten feet tall as it arched and stretched into the sky, swallowing the fluffy white clouds overhead. From her left, a storm brewed, slate grey orbs marring the perfect summer sky. Each step felt impossible, each movement a focused effort. _Sleep soon_, Bella promised herself. _Alice__ needs me to make the blood go away_. Her toes now bled, heels cracking open as Bella fell before the water, pressing her cheek to the cool earth beneath it. _Wash it away_. Her hands dipped absently into the water, a murky crimson spreading through the tall rushes. Her fingers splayed in the current, rolling through it absently as she thought of Edward. _Why didn't he come for me_?

It occurred to her then that water was more than a cleansing agent; it was a means to an end. Leah couldn't torture what was already dead. If she were to inch forward maybe two feet, she could roll herself into the icy blue, allow it to blanket her, smother her. Silence. _I can't move any further_. _I'll never outrun her_. She was defeated; all that was left was to lose on her own terms. Closing her eyes, Bella nudged closer, her hair pulling as she squirmed and dug at the soil.

"Bella!"

_Edward_. It was his voice; Bella knew it with every fibre of her being. Weak and hungry, she could scarcely lift her head an inch to look for him. Across the lake, distantly, he stood waiting. His outstretched arms beckoned with promises of loving warmth. His hair was fire.

"Bella, don't give up! You can't do that now!"

"Tired," Bella whimpered. "No way out..."

"I know you're tired. I know. You're almost done."

His voice was angelic, a sweet symphony that filled her heart until it swelled and nearly burst. Her hands slapped against the ground, too weak to press her to even a seated position.

"I can't," Bella pleaded. "Edward, I love you."

"I love you, too. Don't you want to get out of here?" He was begging now, his voice cracking.

"I don't wanna die," Bella sobbed. "But it's so far..."

"Bella, listen to me," Edward began. "You have a choice. You can stay here, a butterfly pinned to a board, memorialized but frozen, or you can fly away, find freedom."

"There's no way out!" Bella cried. "I'm trapped here! There's no way to break free." Her lids felt heavy, her lashes a curtain to her strained pupils.

"Of course there is," Edward said, crouching down. "All you gotta do, baby, is swim..."

* * *

The last forty-six hours and thirty-nine minutes had been hell on earth for Edward. Refusing to leave the hospital, yet forced to dodge Charlie Swan, he spent much of his time cooped up in his father's office, researching coma patients and recovery rates, experimental techniques of assessment and treatment, and, at Alice's suggestion, making mix CDs for Bella. At night, when Charlie finally would relent and head home for a few hours of sleep, Edward would play music for Bella, often singing to her softly, so as not to disturb the ward.

Bella had not woken up at all, and her Glasgow Coma Scale scoring left something to be desired. An 8 of 15 was hardly anything to celebrate, although with it came cautious optimism, as his father put it. _Doctor speak_, Edward griped. _Candy-coated lies_.

"Any change in Bella's condition?" the voice on the phone asked.

"No," Edward replied sadly.

He had even refused to leave the hospital for his scheduled session with Andy, despite his father's gentle urging. Compromising, Andy had agreed to counsel him by phone for the interim, daily now, in light of Bella's attempt on her life.

"Edward, what do you think you've learned as a result of this terrible tragedy?"

He sighed, kicking his foot against Carlisle's desk. "I have to stop running, Andy. I run from anything: good feelings, bad, stress, drama... It's not... Adults don't fucking run for cover when things are hard. It's stupid."

"It's not stupid," Andy insisted. "Is it maladaptive? Sure, it is. It's not a good fucking strategy to employ in every life situation. But now and again, we're wise to flee. We wouldn't be born with fight or flight if it was stupid or not at all useful. You just use it too much, and given your past, it's not a surprising coping mechanism. It's like Bella's self-injury; she uses physical pain to avoid the emotional turmoil she doesn't want to face."

"What if she won't take me back?" Edward asked nervously. "I don't... If she won't forgive me-"

"That's the risk you take, Edward. That's what life and love are about. If you never apologize or ask her to try again, you'll never know what would have happened. There's no closure in that."

"Andy, even if she... I can't hurt her again. I don't _want_ to."

"Are you asking me for relationship advice here, Edward?" Andy asked. "I can give it, but you may hate it."

The door opened to the office and Alice slipped in, staring quizzically at her brother. He gestured for her to remain silent and she nodded, shutting the door behind her.

"Hit me, doc," Edward muttered.

Hesitating briefly, Andy replied, "I'm not going to say break up with Bella, because I think that, in the long run, you two have a powerful bond. You need each other. The problem is, right now? You need each other too much. You want to support her, but you're barely holding yourself up. And Bella can't hold herself at all."

"Yeah," Edward sighed. "It makes sense. So where does that leave us?"

"Like the fucking tortoise, instead of the hare: slow and steady. Take a step back from trying to fix each other and get your own heads screwed on tighter, fill 'em with strength. Then, you share the pain. Alright?"

"I'll keep it in mind," Edward conceded. "I have to go. I have time to visit her now-"

"Yeah, of course. Go be with her. And remember what I said, Edward: tortoise. If this is a lifelong deal, you have time to take it slow."

"Thanks, Andy. Talk to you tomorrow."

Hanging up his father's office line, a disheveled Edward ran a hand through his limp hair, then looked to Alice expectantly.

"Well?"

"It took me two days, but I think I finally talked him out of murder," Alice replied. "He also agreed to give you half an hour, so make it count, Eeyore."

Edward nodded furiously, "Good. This is good. And you got it for me?"

Alice smiled, "Jasper grabbed it. It's already downstairs in her room."

Edward followed his diminutive sister, who had somehow worked a complete miracle on his behalf. A million wild and ridiculous ideas ran through his mind as to how his sister convinced the Chief of Forks Police to not shoot him in the testicles, but he knew he would never be told the true story. That was simply how 'Alice Favours' worked. In the end, Edward knew that it was of no import. Seeing Bella, and trying to reach her, were the only things he needed to keep his head and heart from imploding.

"Does it have the settings I wanted?" Edward asked frantically, his inner perfectionist a total bitch when he was stressed.

"_Yes_, of course. I called the store myself," Alice grumbled. "Have some faith, will ya?"

They paused, just beyond the entrance to Bella's room, and Edward embraced her tightly. She had, as always, been his rock, faithful and reliable to the end. He would never be able to repay Alice for her countless kindnesses and boundless love for her family and friends. With a soft smile, Alice gestured to Bella's room, winking.

"Bitchy nurse isn't on for another hour. Now or never."

With a forced smile, Edward stepped into the room, his stomach lurching at the now familiar yet still horrifying sight of Bella tangled in wires and tubes. The faint whoosh of compressed air and the steady, slow beeps of her heart monitor were the only sounds in her private cubicle. Balanced upon the chair in the corner lay Edward's request: a keyboard with 'portable grand piano' function, just large enough to be obnoxious for his lap, but a snug fit for her bedside swing table.

Flipping the switch on and selecting his desired mode, Edward tinkled the keys at low volume, mostly satisfied with the sound quality. It would have to do; his piano trucked in would be a little impractical. Turning to Bella, he ran a hand through her hair, her forehead clammy to his touch.

"Hi, love. I promised you a surprise, and Alice and Jasper came through for you." He caressed her cheek lovingly, praying for the wonderful blush that made him grin to creep back into her complexion. "It's a little awkward, so I'm bound to blow the damn chords, but here goes. Just..." Edward swallowed hard, forcing himself to remain calm. "Hear me, okay? Listen hard."

With a deep breath, Edward began to play softly, delicate notes filling the room as he sang to the woman he loved. _A song for everything_, he recalled.

"_You gotta swim, swim for your life  
Swim for the music that saves you, when you're not so sure you'll survive  
You gotta swim, and swim when it hurts  
The whole world is watching  
You haven't come this far to fall off the earth  
The currents will pull you away from your love  
Just keep your head above_

_I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn  
Memories like bullets, they fired at me from a gun  
Crack in the armor, yeah_

_I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun  
Choking on salt water  
I'm not giving in; I swim_..."

The beeping caught his attention, its rhythm off-kilter, faster. Less sedentary. _Maybe_... With determination, Edward sang louder, his soul calling out to Bella's, reaching through the ether to hold her. He wouldn't leave her alone, locked in the dark prison of her comatose mind. He held the sledgehammer, and fully intended to tear down the walls and set her free.

"_You gotta swim for nights that won't end  
Swim for your family as your lovers, your sisters  
And brothers, and friends_

_Yeah, you gotta swim through wars without cause  
Swim for the lost politicians  
Who don't see their greed as a flaw  
The currents will pull us away from our love  
Just keep your head above_."

Motion, from the corner of his eye, brought his song to a halt, Edward's hand reaching out for Bella's. "Come on, Bella; come back..."

The monitor registered her blood pressure as 118 over 75. It was the healthiest it had been since her admission. And just as he felt it best to press the call button and summon his father, Edward's heart stopped:

A twitch. Bella's hand twitched within his grasp.

"Bella?"

A groan, faint but distinct, and a shift of her leg, and Edward was on cloud nine. _She's coming out! She's fighting!_ His lips pressed to hers lightly, his free hand lost in her tangled waves as he studied every inch of her face, each individual pore scrutinized for signs of awakening.

"Ed-..." Her lips pursed in a frown, her head shifted towards him, ever so slightly. "Hellll..."

"Bella, I'm here. Open your eyes. _Please_, open your eyes."

A shifting of her arm, a rustling of her sheets, and a cry of pain betrayed the tortured sleep in which Bella lingered. Edward found himself paralyzed, hand clenched around hers, eyes darting wildly from the hall, to the monitors, to the call button anew. _What if she's in distress? What if there's brain pressure?_ Her brow furrowed and he hummed softly, his thumb caressing the top of her hand. It smoothed over, her body limp once more.

"So close..."

Edward reluctantly stepped back towards the doorway. _I should page Dad. Have him come check her. Just in case_. The keyboard abandoned, he stepped out into the dim hallway, flagging a statuesque nurse with long, flowing jet-black hair.

"Excuse me?"

She spun around, her face almost bored, "Something wrong?"

"Not wrong, but... Can you page Doctor Cullen immediately?"

"I think he's on his rounds, sir," she replied curtly.

Edward bit his tongue. _She obviously doesn't recognize me._ "I'm sure _my father_ will be happy to oblige me."

Startled by this newly acquired information, the nurse forced a smile, "Sure thing. I'll page him now."

Edward nodded slightly, closing his eyes in exasperation. _It's a good thing one of us is here at all times, now. Bella needs our supervision and protection from Nurse Numbnuts_. Heaving an exhausted sigh, Edward leaned against the doorframe, resting a moment as he heard his father's name over the intercom.

"Tired..."

Edward jumped, his head peering into Bella's room. "Bella? Hey, can you hear me?"

He edged closer, studying the way her fingers clenched and relaxed, scraping at the mattress. She whimpered softly, the sound catching in her throat. _I love you_, Edward thought, over and over, his body falling into the chair beside her. _I love you, Bella._ Weary, he pressed his forehead to the mattress beside her curled fist, struggling not to weep. He would give anything to make her well; all she had to do was ask.

"Don't let go," he whispered, a solitary tear escaping his left eye.

It was sudden, his heart stopping in that defining moment that would rock the foundation beneath him. It was the last thing he expected, lying near helpless beside her frame.

Fingers loosely fisted in his hair, their tips grazing the scalp beneath. A murmur, and a confused sob.

"I don't wanna die..."

"Bella?" Edward bolted upright, leaning over her ashen face.

Open eyes, squinting. "Eh-Edward?"

"I'm here," he breathed, beaming as he caressed her cheeks. "I'm here, Bella. I love you."

"No," Bella whimpered. "Dreaming..."

"Not anymore," Edward insisted. "You've been asleep for two days. I've counted every hour, every minute." His lips pressed to hers and she sighed happily, her eyes fluttering.

"I'm so tired," Bella rasped. "Don't go...Don't-"

"I won't." It was a vow, one he'd never break. "Rest, Bella."

Her head lolled towards his, her eyes darkened. "Love you...I..."

"I love you, too."

Her nose wrinkled as he nestled closer to her, "You... smell..."

Edward laughed heartily, "I refused to shower without you."

"Lezz go, then," Bella slurred, smiling weakly.

"Rest, first."

"'Kay." Her eyes fluttered closed, her breathing steadying out, shallow but strong.

A cough from the doorway drew Edward's eyes, and they found his father, smiling softly as he observed them. "She woke up."

Edward nodded, "Coherent, responsive, with tactile response as well. Definitely not an 8 on the Glasgow Scale anymore."

Carlisle chuckled. "Become a doctor already, Edward. We'll run a full battery of scans and cognitive assessments to be sure, but I'd say Bella's still got that invisible horseshoe of hers. Take another moment with her before I start prodding; I'll go find Charlie and deliver the good news."

Edward nodded, his gaze lingering on Bella's delicate features. _Slow and steady_, Edward mused. _I have to be better for her. And she needs to learn that she's worthy of love, deserving of life_... It would pain him, he knew, to edge back and allow them the room to heal, but it would be worth the misery in the end. After all, as Andy had pointed out to him, they had plenty of life to live, if they chose to keep it.

"Like the tortoise, not the hare," Edward murmured. "But together... We'll win this together, my Bitchella."

Her soft sigh, he took as her agreement, her words replaying in his mind: _"I don't wanna die_..."

He would hold her to it.

* * *

_This one ended up dramatically different from the outline. Bella's 'hallucination world' suddenly came to me late last week, and I've bounced elements of this chapter into 34 now. It'll work out in the end._

_The visions are extremely telling. The only person who physically touches Bella is Rachel, who is dead. Everyone else only speaks to her. Rosalie's comments refer to her conversation with Edward. The scene quoted from Macbeth is his soliloquy after Lady Macbeth commits suicide. The Rachel sequence and Edward's comments are inspired by the song Butterfly, by Tori Amos. Rachel mentions the title of a song by Amanda Marshall - "Everybody's got a story that could break your heart"; this not only is a truth that Bella needs to face (everyone suffers, and it's possible to survive), but the lyrics also suggest looking deeper... in this case, at the symbolism of the hallucination. Not bad for 5000 unplanned words, eh?_

_The Glasgow Coma Scale does exist, and an 8 does indeed have a 67% chance of some disability or good recovery. _

_Please review, kids; the worst is over... show me the love (and your relief?) The next chapter will involve some significant time jumping._

_**Also, don't forget to check out the lost moment from Edward and Alice's teen years. The Lost Moments story is accessible from my profile**.  
_


	34. Chapter 34

_AN: _

_This chapter is ridiculously long. I'm sorry? We're covering a bit of time with this one, which explains it._

_A shout out to Alexis Danaan is in this chapter. She's one of my favourite people in the fandom, so show her the love. Lessons Unexpected is wicked good, alright?_

_I'm just finishing bringing the playlist back up to date, but in the interim, this chapter's tunes:_

_Weighty Ghost - Wintersleep_  
_Save Me - The Pierces_  
_A Better Son/Daughter - Rilo Kiley_  
_Upside Down - Tori Amos_  
_Wake Up - Arcade Fire_

_Upside Down is quoted in the text; it's not mine. Neither is Twilight._

_**For my constant reviewers and cheerleaders: this one's for all of you**._

**Playlist! casket4mytears[dot]wordpress[dot]com/2010/05/11/tattoos-like-mile-markers-breaking-down-the-playlist/**

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

Nothing, Edward learned quickly, was simple when it came to medicine.

Although Bella had woken up, cognizant of who he was, her recovery was no TV movie of the week miracle. After a battery of tests and assessments, a very troubling problem presented itself, firmly denying Edward's intended step back from Bella to heal himself. Bella began exhibiting anterograde amnesia, unable to retain new events beyond a few minutes. Although Carlisle assured him that it was common with an Ativan overdose of that magnitude and would likely resolve in a short period of time, it was no consolation when Bella screamed moments after he left her room, unable to remember that Edward had not only just been with her, but had promised to return soon. After all, her last concrete memories involved Edward abandoning her and her subsequent suicide attempt. Giving up, unable to bear the sound of Bella sobbing, he coordinated a schedule with Alice, Ronan and her father, resorting to a system of notes to help Bella feel secure in his love, while maintaining steady support for her.

Michelle, in the interim, had advised Edward on one of her visits that Bella would need to remain in hospital for several weeks even if the amnesia ceased. Having discovered from the near-full bottle in the Swan medicine cabinet that Bella had shunned her prescribed Depakote, Michelle decided that inpatient treatment seemed the only viable option for stabilizing her bipolar disorder - mislabelled previously as unipolar depression. As Michelle had explained loosely, the medications Bella had been taking weren't suitable for preventing her cycles, and may have aggravated them. The Depakote was meant to level her out, but without it, the Wellbutrin had most certainly made her extremely manic, unable to sleep and perhaps delusional. Edward gritted his teeth; hospitals terrified Bella. This wasn't going to be an easy sell.

It was October 9th now: six days since Bella had first woken up. Pressing the elevator button, Edward tapped his foot nervously, clutching a take-out bag from his Italian eatery in his left hand. Bella's memory seemed to be improving slowly, although major shifts in her surroundings were still upsetting. _Patience; Andy said to work on patience._ With a sigh, Edward stepped onto the opening car, jamming the button for the third floor. _At least she's out of ICU_, Edward thought gratefully, reflecting on how one of the nurses, Jenny, reminded Bella of a girl named Leah, so much so that she cowered and sobbed if Jenny entered the room. Ronan had explained that Leah was a 'Rez Girl' who hated Bella and had harassed her at _Paper Moon_, and Edward's fists had instinctively curled. _If only she was a man, I would soundly kick her ass_, Edward had snarled to himself. Bella now had her own room, and was cared for by either Nancy, an older woman with plenty of stories and sass, or Sabrina, a young girl fresh out of school who brought Bella magazines and books to read. The change in scenery had done wonders for her mood, even if she still complained about wanting to go home.

Rounding the corner into room 308, Ronan smiled warmly in greeting. Bella was asleep, her arms curled around an old t-shirt of Edward's. It was one of the ways he helped her understand that he did love her, and would return. Ronan gestured to the hall, and the two men stepped outside, but not before Edward noted an extremely ornate arrangement of wildflowers on her windowsill.

"She's been asking for you, of course," Ronan said quietly. "How did your day go?"

Edward shrugged; it was his first day back in Andy's actual office, and things had been tumultuous. "It was therapy. It sucked. Necessary evil. How's her memory? Did my dad swing by?"

Ronan nodded, "He says her latest batch of tests look great, and she seems to be retaining information sporadically now. Both he and Michelle have made it clear that Ativan is verboten for her lifetime, though."

"Good," Edward breathed. "Did they start her back on the mood drugs?"

"They want to give it a couple more days. The mood stabilizers can sometimes cause memory trouble, and they're hoping this will resolve soon, so they can accurately chart what the drugs are doing versus what the overdose did." Ronan shuffled on his feet, "Emily's coming down with me tomorrow. Alice called and said she and Jasper would be by in a few hours with more DVDs. I've gotta bail and check on the shop before crashing, but I left her a note on the magic bulletin board."

"Thanks for coming, Ronan. I really hate her being alone right now. Oh, and nice flowers, man. Did you pick them or did Emily help?"

Ronan's eyes skirted the ground as he hesitated. "They're, uh, not from us."

"Then who? Angela?"

Ronan sighed deeply. "Don't freak out, Edward. For Bella's sake."

Edward frowned, his heart racing. "Ro-"

"Bella's okay with them, so keep that in mind, alright?"

Edward growled, "You gonna tell me or do I have to fucking check myself?"

Reluctantly, Ronan answered, "They're from Jacob Black."

"Wait - _what_?"

"Shh! Don't wake Bells!"

"Why the _hell_ would he-"

"Bella saw him the day before she... You know. That's why they saw her on the Rez. I never dreamed she'd go to his house, so I never asked around there. Anyway, they had a good talk, and came to an understanding about Rachel. He was pretty pissed, by the way, about Sam and Paul. He's a better guy than they are. In fact, from what Charlie told me this morning, Jacob's become Bella's defender."

Edward shook his head, as if to clear it. "Jacob is defending Bella?"

Ronan nodded, "Fucking strange, right? After he heard from Bella that she hadn't made Rachel leap, that she'd fell by freak accident, Jacob made it his mission to clear up that rumour, pronto. I wouldn't say the Rez wants to host a Get Well party in her honour, but they've been clearly told to stop pretending to act on Jake's behalf. It's a start, right?"

Edward nodded, impressed. _He didn't have to go around like that. Maybe I understand why Bella once loved him_. His initial rage subsiding, he turned towards Bella, smiling softly as she turned over, dragging his shirt with her. _As long as she's okay, I will support her_.

"Anyway, Cullen, I'm off."

"Thanks, Ronan," Edward said, shaking his hand. "See you tomorrow."

They parted ways, Edward moving towards the flowers, curious about the tiny card thrust into the foliage. Bending over, he read the short message: _Get well, Bells. I'm sorry_. _Jake_. Satisfied, Edward took his seat beside Bella, marvelling the mess of notes thumbtacked to her small bulletin board beside her bed. Centred amidst various notes of comfort, written in Bella's cursive, was a note dotted with several tacks and highlighted: _Edward will come back. He promised_.

"Yes, I did," he whispered, gently nudging a strand of hair from her cheek. "I'm here."

Bella's eyes fluttered open with a start, her lips forming a huge smile as she scrambled to sit up. "Edward! You _did_ come back!"

Edward chuckled, hugging her tightly, "As if I could ever stay away again. How was your day, Bella?"

It was a simple, seemingly innocent question, but from Edward, it was loaded. This was his daily test for Bella. As she paused and frowned, he stroked her cheek. "Don't check the board. How much can you remember?"

Bella sighed, "Shit's missing, again."

"Do you remember breakfast?"

Bella rolled her eyes, "That I _do_ remember! Could you ask them to stop fucking bringing me eggs? I've had so many lately, I want to hurl!"

Edward smiled; he'd intentionally chosen her breakfast yesterday, so he could cross-reference it today. "Alright, love; I'll make sure they bring something else. Did you see my dad?"

Bella nodded, "I can't remember most of what he said, but I know he didn't say anything really awful." Her foot kicked beneath her blanket. "I hate this so fucking much!"

Edward stroked her hair, nodding. "It's getting better. Soon, you will be able to memorize every single thing we all say, and torture us with our stupidity again."

"Ha, ha, asshole. Um... Sabrina was days today? And someone visited me after my dad, but... " Bella's eyes teared up. "I forget. Edward, I'm so tired of forgetting."

"Shh, check the board, baby." He hated seeing her cry like this.

Bella pulled her hair as she turned, scanning the dates on the notes and shaking her head as she found her target. "How the hell did I forget Ronan was just here? He even teased me about how I forget him on purpose!"

"Hey, at least seeing his name made you remember something he said, right?"

Bella nodded reluctantly. "I guess. Oh, I got flowers. They're nice."

Edward smiled, "Very nice. I think I better hurry and bring you something nicer, before someone steals your heart away."

"Impossible!" Bella insisted, clinging to him as she nuzzled closer. "You can't leave me. Please?"

"Oh, Bella," Edward sighed sadly. _Time for the nightly reassurances_. "We talk about this every day, sweetheart. I was wrong to leave you in the woods that way. You were wrong to give up so quickly, when so many people - self included - love you. Right?" Bella nodded against his chest and he continued, "But we're both going to get our heads sorted, and live a very long life full of sarcasm, music and sex. No crying!"

Bella shrugged, her voice muffled against his shirt, "I try to remember it, but it's so hard."

"I know. At least you don't scream and cry when I leave for the bathroom now."

Bella groaned, "I suck!"

Edward pulled her face to his, kissing her nose, "Shut up, and stop being a Bitchella. I brought you a present."

Bella's eyes narrowed, the wafting smell of pasta finally reaching her nostrils. "What's that smell?"

"Something better than eggs," Edward quipped. "Hungry?"

"Fuck yes!" Bella growled. "Feed me, Seymour!"

With a grin, Edward settled on the bed beside her, opening the paper bag beside his chair. He'd brought her gnocchi in alfredo sauce, figuring it would make a nice change from the bland hospital food she'd been forced to endure. As he revealed her treat, Edward swore she actually salivated, her eyes widening.

"You are the very best boyfriend I could ever have," Bella gasped, gripping the plastic fork he passed her with enough strength to crush it.

"I could be better," Edward mused aloud. "Working on it."

"Now _you_ stop," Bella sighed. "I told you I never blamed you for leaving. It just hurt when you didn't call later."

"I know."

"Eat!" Bella demanded, digging in. "I so can't finish this monster portion."

"In a second. I'm going to go see if Dad's around, okay?"

Bella nodded nervously. "Okay. But you're coming back, right?"

"Always," Edward breathed, kissing her cheek. "I'm spending the night here. Your dad's pulling a double."

Bella's features lit up, and Edward's heart skipped with joy. "That's the best news ever! Hurry back?"

"Promise."

Edward stepped out into the hall, rounding the corner to where he'd asked his father to meet him. They'd arranged a memory test for tonight, hoping to stimulate Bella's brain into chaining together conversations and events properly. As he reached the nurse's station, his father looked up from a series of reports, nodding to his son.

"How is she?"

"She remembers breakfast, her nurse today, remembers you came by and said something that wasn't too bad, and after seeing Ronan's note, she remembered him making fun of her."

"Hmm. Better than two days ago. Everything set?"

Edward nodded, "Let's see if you arriving makes her wonder where I am. I'll go grab a coffee from the cafeteria."

Carlisle rose, contemplative, "I'm pretty sure she'll recover fully, Edward. It's been a slow process, but it's been consistently improving. How was your session?"

"We talked about Tanya. Guess," Edward grumbled.

"I'm proud of you for trying," Carlisle said, patting his son on the back. "See you in a few minutes, then."

It took Edward precisely seven minutes to fetch a coffee and a hot chocolate for Bella, before returning to Bella's floor. Careful to conceal himself, he listened near Bella's door, as she and his father spoke.

"I _swear_ he said he was going to find you!" Bella exclaimed nervously. "Why isn't he back?"

"I'm sure I just missed him at my office, Bella. How are you feeling?"

_She connected it!_ Edward smiled wide, sipping his coffee. _She remembered what I told her this time_.

Bella sighed, "Stupid. Slow. It's still hard to sleep for long. Doctor Cullen?"

"Carlisle, Bella. We're like family," his father said gently.

"Carlisle, can you um, tell Edward what you said this morning? I forget it and I want to make sure someone can tell me again."

"Of course. Would you like me to write a note, too?"

"No," Bella answered quickly. "I need to try and remember shit without paper. But thank you. Want some pasta?"

"No, thanks; I just had dinner with Alice at home. Raincheck?"

Edward strolled back into the room, feigning surprise, "_There_ you are!"

Bella brightened up as he settled beside her, "I think you guys missed each other by like, seconds. He got here three bites after you left."

"Three bites?" Edward laughed. "Timing the world in food now?"

"Food this good? Hell, yeah!" Bella stabbed another pocket of potato, thrusting it into her mouth with a moan. "Mmmm!"

Carlisle chuckled, "I think you've made her day, son."

"I wanted to make sure, so I brought this," Edward said, handing Bella the hot chocolate. "Hot, babe. Careful."

Bella inhaled the scent of warm chocolate and sat it on her bedside table. "I'm spoiled! And I'm going to get fat!"

"You could use a little extra weight, doctor to patient," Carlisle replied, moving towards the door. "Excuse us, Bella?"

She nodded, switching her pasta for the Styrofoam cup beside her. "Okay. Don't forget what I said!"

"I won't."

As they moved into the hall, the Cullen men exchanged a small smile. Bella was definitely showing progress.

"When you got there-"

"She immediately told me you'd just left to find me," Carlisle replied. "We talked for a few minutes about other things, to distract her, but she was insistent that you were gone to find me. She told me that she couldn't remember if I said anything bad this morning, to which I said I hadn't. Her CAT scan was normal, her blood work is solid, and her assessment showed improved, albeit still problematic, memory. Speaking of, I promised to tell you all of that so she would be able to ask you later."

"Noted. Hey, Dad, since I'm staying over, would it be alright if I take her out to the courtyard for a while? Fresh air might do her good."

Carlisle thought a moment, then nodded slowly, "Make it very, _very_ clear that she can't go home yet. Understand?"

"I do. Thanks."

With a smile, his father continued down the hall, and he returned to Bella's room, smiling. Bella was sipping at her drink, humming to herself.

"Did I earn points for that?" Edward asked.

"Definitely. _Please_, help me eat this?" Bella pleaded, gesturing to the half-tray remaining. "I'm a human, not a fucking hobbit."

Chuckling, Edward settled down beside her, spearing a gnocchi. "What do you want to watch tonight? Did Alice bring anything good yesterday?"

Bella nodded, "Mostly girly crap, but she brought over some _Glee_ episodes she burned for me, and I think she said that _Donnie Darko_ was in the mix."

"I vote Donnie," Edward mumbled around the pasta.

"I knew you would. But don't hold me to it; she wasn't sure." Bella opened her mouth, leaning in as Edward fed her another bite. "Mmmm... Nomm!"

"Before we snuggle under this oh so fabulous blanket," Edward said, winking, "Would you like to grab some air?"

Bella sputtered, her eyes wide, "Outside? But they said I can't go home."

"You can't," he agreed, sadly, "But you _can_ go to the courtyard with company, if you promise to return to this room afterwards."

Bella looked to the window beside her, sighing happily, "It's a clear sky tonight. But I have to come back?"

"Yeah, sweetheart. Not negotiable."

Bella pondered this for a minute, then began tugging her hair back into a ponytail. "Fine. But I'm only coming back because you're staying over. And you have to buy me more hot chocolate."

"Deal!"

Bundling Bella up into a jacket, Edward led her down the hall to a service elevator, winking as he explained that it was closer to their destination. Bella sighed happily, leaning against him as they descended the two levels to the ground, where he led her down a deserted corridor and to the left, gesturing to a set of glass doors ahead of them. Silently, they made their way outside, Bella's head immediately snapping up to gaze at the stars overhead. They blinked against the darkened sky, the moon full and almost blinding overhead. It was the clearest night Edward had seen in some time, and he was grateful for it.

"Free at last!" Bella joked, pretending to make a run for it.

"No way! I'm not dealing with my father's wrath!" Edward pulled Bella against him, leading her further into the shadows. "Come see something."

Bella obediently followed, her steps slowing as they approached a large pool centred within a lush garden. The moon reflected in the water was the only trace of light as they stood, Bella shivering slightly.

"Cold?"

"No, I'm fine," Bella insisted.

"My mom helped with this garden," Edward explained. "She felt that people needed a little beauty in hospitals. A refuge."

"It's nice," Bella said, distracted.

"What's wrong?"

Bella shook her head, "I just have this weird feeling, like this should remind me of something... But I haven't seen this before. I don't..."

"Take your time," Edward murmured, encouraging her. _A breakthrough of some kind?_

Bella bit her lip, edging forward and circling the garden, "There's something I need to remember..." Her feet moved silently through the grass, her eyes locked upon the water's gently rippling surface. "I swear... I..." She halted as she reached the opposite side, her gaze now fixed on Edward. "You..."

Edward stared at her quizzically, "Bella? What's wrong?"

"The hallway... I ran... And then I saw Alice. She told me to wash something away, to make it stop..." Bella paused, her eyes widening. "Swim."

Edward gasped, "What did you say?"

Bella nodded furiously, "I can't... the whole thing was a fucking mess and Rosalie was playing Connect Four? But the end... I was beside this lake, with flowers, like these... And you were on the other side, you know? I wanted to just stop. I was so tired..."

Edward felt a shiver run down his spine as he recalled her awakening. How she had muttered that she was tired... She'd never spoken to him about her time unconscious, and had never mentioned the music he'd played for her. He'd played the song again, later that evening, to soothe her to sleep. But she seemed to remember the first rendition... _Come on, Bella!_

"You were calling to me!" Bella beamed, shaking her head furiously. "I wanted to drown and you said I had to choose... I had to swim, and then I could have you back... Swimming... Edward, did you sing for me?"

"Sing when?" _So close..._ It took all of his willpower to remain still, to keep his expression neutral. Bella had to remember for herself, without prompting.

"When I was asleep?" Bella frowned, tugging her ponytail, "But no; it was later? I'm not sure. Both? It seems like it was both. Edward, tell me?"

With a smile, Edward nodded, "I was singing right before you came back. Later on, I sang the same song for you again-"

"Before bed! I wouldn't sleep!" Bella hopped excitedly, rushing back around the pond. "I remember it! You cried the whole time."

Edward embraced her tightly, "Kinda wish you'd forget that detail," he confessed, blushing, "But you're right, Bella. Maybe you've been making a few memories, after all..."

"It's pretty fuzzy, but it's like... pictures? There's a few pictures coming to me..." Bella pressed onto her toes to kiss Edward lightly. "You've come every day, right?"

"I have."

Bella smiled triumphantly. "The test lady is Anna?"

"Yes, that's her name," Edward confirmed, beaming.

Bella's brow furrowed, "Ronan was here today. We watched _Ghost World_. And Emily's coming tomorrow." At Edward's confirmation, Bella sank to the ground, sprawling on her back. "I think my brain wasn't getting enough air."

"Maybe," Edward conceded, settling beside her. "But you can't go home yet, right?"

"No," Bella pouted. "I have a feeling Michelle is planning a nice long vacation for me, if my brain ever behaves itself."

Edward hesitated, then opted for honesty. "She is, Bella. But it's only to stabilize your medications safely. Once they're good, you can start sleeping at home again."

Bella grimaced, curving her body against his. "She's going to make me take the Depakote, isn't she?"

"Or something like it. Did it make you feel crappy?"

"I felt floaty... like pins and needles, only in my mind. It was awful," Bella sobbed. "Can't I take something else?"

"Tell Michelle. I'm sure we can find another pill to help you." Edward kissed her head, lightly. "Andy's had me on pills this week, too. We can be fucked together."

Bella's head snapped up. "Why? Are you okay? You're not going to go away, are you?"

"No, babe; they're temporary. Between Tanya and almost losing you, my mind's been a disaster. Andy says it's a really low dose, just to help me focus and stay calm." Edward frowned, reminding himself that medication didn't make him weak, but smart enough to care for himself, as Andy put it.

"You're... talking about that?"

Edward nodded. "Bella, let's make a deal, okay?"

"Okay..." Her nervous response made Edward wince. _She's so afraid of everything...Maybe now isn't best? Or maybe_...

"I love you."

"I love you, too..."

"No, Bella," he insisted, cradling her chin in his hand, "I need you to understand something first. I love you. I may have let you down, but I never stopped loving you, never stopped wanting you beside me for my entire life. I want to wake up beside you, always. There's no limit to that, no ultimatums, no demands. I love you, plain and simple."

Bella's eyes moistened, "I feel the same way."

"Then we need to get better. Both of us. I can't keep running from shit, because life is going to suck at times, and I need to be strong enough to stay beside you. We have to be strong enough to fight it together. So I'm going to take these pills, and see Andy three times a week for a while, and become the man you need and deserve."

"You're what I need," Bella murmured. "Just you."

"I'm not as strong as I could be, and I want to be stronger for you." Edward paused, "I can't lose you, Bella."

"You won't-"

"I can't cradle you against me, thinking you're dead again," he continued, struggling against the sob lodged in his throat. "I can't."

Bella nodded thoughtfully, her eyes downcast, "I'm so sorry that you... Everything was so... My brain was just so _full and sad and loud_ and I couldn't..."

"Bella, Michelle thinks the medication is to blame for that," Edward said gently. "Was it worse than before the pills?"

Bella thought for a moment, then nodded, "I think so..."

"What if she can find a medication that evens it all out for you? Will you do what it takes to find one? Because you deserve to be able to breathe, Bella. You forget to breathe."

Bella sighed, "I just feel lame... She told me before I might be on them forever. How pathetic! I can't even control my thoughts and feelings like a normal person, and maybe I won't ever get it right! Even with therapy!"

"Bella, if you had diabetes, would you hate yourself for insulin?"

"No, that's stupid. If your body doesn't make any, you need to take it or you die."

Edward stared at her pointedly, and she buried her head in his chest, sighing. "Point taken."

"Will you try, Bella? For me, and for you?"

Bella groaned, "I really want to go home."

"The sooner we try, the faster you get to leave."

"Why aren't they ramming this shit down my throat already?"

Edward rubbed her back gently, staring at the stars, "They were waiting on your memory."

"Lucky me; it's back," Bella grumbled. "What was in the damn pasta?"

Edward laughed, "Italian voodoo?"

"Goddamn them and their tasty tricks!" Bella pushed herself to a seated position, shivering. "It's October. Can we go inside and get warm?"

"Definitely... I can think of a few ways to warm you up."

Bella blushed, "Your father works here."

"He knows me well," Edward replied, winking. "But if you like, I know a janitor's closet..."

Bella slapped his arm, laughing, "How very high school! What a charmer you are, Edward Cullen."

"Hey, I got a way with the ladies. I snagged you, didn't I?"

"Shut up and kiss me, will you?"

Their lips met hungrily, their kiss deepening as Edward hoisted Bella into the air, sighing as her legs instinctively wrapped around his waist. _She's perfect. Just perfect for me_. His hand slid up her side, cupping her breast as she groaned and writhed against his torso, her hand tugging his hair. _We need a room, NOW_. Reluctantly breaking their kiss, he whispered his intentions, to which Bella giggled and nodded. He carried her around the bend cautiously, Bella throwing open the door of the activities room, used for occupational therapy during the day. _Well, this is definitely an activity_! He locked the door behind them, jamming a chair under the knob as they kissed their way to a couch nearby. Without hesitation, Bella removed her jacket, throwing it to the floor as she next tackled her pajama top.

"Get naked faster," she growled, and he complied.

Their bodies illuminated silhouettes in the murky darkness, Bella pulled him down on top of her, groaning as his hard shaft rubbed against her thigh. Her breathing shallow, ragged, she squirmed, Edward moaning her name as he slid inside of her unexpectedly, fully enveloped by the warmth of her.

"Fuck, I wish we could take our time," he moaned.

"I want you now," she insisted. "Fast. Now."

With a nip of her neck, he moved quickly, forcefully, his hand pressing her left knee closer to her chest. Bella's left hand slapped over her mouth, stifling her cries as he drove himself into her, each movement of their bodies sending him reeling further. He was lost in her, lost as he was that first night he'd touched her, tasted her on his tongue. Her other hand raked down his back as his pace quickened, Edward pressing his mouth against her neck, smothering his own moans of satisfaction.

"Say... my name..." Bella panted. "Edward..."

"Fuck, Bella..." Edward was slamming into her now, certain her back would be burned by the couch as she slid along its cushions, but content that Bella seemed to not care in the slightest. "Bella, you're mine."

"Yours," she agreed, sinking her teeth into his shoulder and moaning loudly.

He could feel her body tense and wind up, a coiled spring, and he knew her release was coming as quickly as his own. Hooking his hands behind both knees, he pressed them to her chest, leveraging himself deeper inside of her. The way her eyes rolled back and she bit her fist assured him that she, too, was close to climax. At her muffled urging and nodding, Edward let himself go, gasping loudly as he buried himself deeply, his orgasm intense and prolonged. His body shook violently atop hers as he released her captive legs, his lips pressed lightly to her collarbone.

"God..." Bella panted, embracing him tightly. "I missed you so much."

"Me, too..." He struggled to raise his now weary head, smiling at her, "I love you, Bella."

"I love you. I wish we could do that again," Bella breathed.

"There are other places..." Edward said, winking conspiratorially. But now, I'm hungry!"

Reluctantly, they slowly rose, dressing quickly. Edward ruffled his messy locks, struggling to tame them as Bella smoothed out her own hair. _Fuck it. That was worth any walk of shame_. As he pulled the chair carefully from beneath the door knob, Bella hesitated, shy.

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Please don't use this as some memory test in front of your dad, alright?"

Edward laughed loudly, stepping out into the hall. "Bella, there is no way in hell I am ever telling my father anything about this or any similar activities."

"Just checking!"

* * *

The months passed slowly for Bella, her time marked in hospitals and pills and, thankfully, nights with Edward. At first, he was around less, which hurt at first until he explained that he was trying not to allow her to hide from her healing. Ironically, he was also attempting to hide his healing from her. Talking through his painful past, particularly the scars left by Tanya, the one death he couldn't logically understand wasn't his fault, drained him. After she'd begged him one night to come over late, and subsequently experiencing how weak and irritable he could get, Bella no longer demanded anything of him. Instead, she listened to music endlessly between sessions.

_"When you gonna stand on your own? You say the world is sick; I say, 'Tell me what that makes us, darling?'"_

It was her new favourite song, one that summed up her entire life lesson, if she absorbed nothing else from the hell of the last few years: _"I found the secret to life. I'm okay when everything is not okay_." Every day that she woke up, went to her program, then came home, she proved that even if life was miserable and hard sometimes, she was still an okay person. A little crazy, perhaps, but now that the cocktail of Wellbutrin and Topamax was working as intended, she was okay. She loved, she laughed, and she cried. And it was all normal, she was assured, even if she felt badly when she lost her cool.

It was the day before Halloween when Michelle announced that she was free to leave inpatient treatment, although she was expected in a day program for the indefinite future. Monday to Friday, starting the hungover day after Halloween, she'd reported dutifully to the hospital in Port Angeles, moving from group to individual sessions to group again. It was brutal, and Bella often longed for Edward to be with her, but she forced herself to attend. _I have to be good for Edward_, she had reminded herself. _I have to be good to my friends and to my dad_. It all grew easier over time, the panic attacks all but disappearing, even if the jagged, angry scar on her chest refused to fade away. As she'd cried one night, staring at it in the bathroom mirror, Edward had entered, kneeling before her as he kissed along the raised tissue, telling her she was beautiful and loved.

Today was freedom: December 23rd, 2009, and she was finally finished with the program. Her usual sessions with Michelle would continue after the holidays, but for a few glorious days, Bella was free to live a normal life, with no healing work to do.

It was terrifying.

"Bella?" Michelle asked gently. "Are you present?"

Bella snapped out of her thoughts, sighing, "I'm scared."

"Scared of what?"

"Of going home, and not... I mean, I seem pretty good now, right? But what if that's only because I see you every day? What if it's not real?"

Michelle leaned forward, "It's hard to believe, after so much darkness, that there can be light again, isn't it?"

Bella nodded, pulling on her hair, "I just... I think I've forgotten what happiness is. You know, happiness without a side order of misery and self-loathing. And what if it comes back, and Edward leaves me?"

Michelle tilted her head, "You still believe he's going to leave?"

"Why would he want to stay with me? He's so much better!"

"As are you," Michelle interjected.

"But not like him! And what if it's fake better? What if I go insane over the next couple days? What if he gets fed up or thinks I'm not trying?"

"What if he does?" Michelle echoed. "Bella, I don't believe he will. But even if he does leave, it's not the end of your world, right? People come and go from our lives, whether we like it or not. It's not ours to control the universe, unfortunately."

"I just love him so much," Bella whispered.

"Bella, have you asked Edward if he's scared? What if he came in, right now, and said, 'Bella, I'm scared you'll leave me because you think I don't understand you anymore.' What would you say?"

Bella snorted, "That he was being a Doucheward, and that I love him, all of him, and if he's better, then I'm happy. If he's not, I still love him, so it doesn't matter."

Michelle paused, then asked, "So... Why doesn't it go both ways?"

With a snarl, Bella's legs kicked at her chair, "You're fucking annoying when you're right."

"But I am right?"

"Yes, damn it, yes! I'm being paranoid and using double standards."

"Very good. And this is why you're ready, Bella: you see what you're doing, and can correct it quickly. It's more than many people ever accomplish."

Bella reluctantly nodded, "I guess. Can I call you if shit goes crazy?"

"Of course," Michelle replied, smiling. "But go home and enjoy your holidays, Bella. Are you staying home for dinner?"

"Um, yeah... So, Carlisle invited my dad and I over for dinner at their place. I'm sort of dreading having Dad and Edward together in a room with a carving knife."

Michelle chuckled, "I wonder who would win that fight. I think we made a lot of progress together with your dad, though. Don't you?"

Bella thought back on last week, during which Charlie Swan was asked to attend two sessions with Bella and her therapist, to help them communicate better. During those sessions, Bella had, with Michelle's assistance, made it clear that Edward had a right to need space, even if the way he handled it was hurtful to Bella. Bella had also made it clear that nothing would keep her from him, and Charlie had begrudgingly agreed to give him a second chance - if only to prove Edward deserved the ass-kicking he longed to deliver.

One of the more interesting points raised during those sessions was Renee's strange and erratic moods during her marriage to Charlie, and the hint that maybe Bella's bipolar disorder was genetic to some degree. As Michelle had explained, the full blown disorder had perhaps been dormant, surfacing later on, triggered by the loss of her mother. It made Bella feel a little less pathetic; after all, how could you fight genetics when the world crashed in as well? On the down side, lifelong medication seemed a strong possibility now.

"Anything else before we go?" Michelle asked gently.

Bella shook her head, "Shove me out of the nest, Mama Bird. I think this is the part where I'm supposed to fly or faceplant on the cement."

"I'm certain you will soar, Bella." Michelle rose to her feet, smiling. "See you in 5 days."

Bella hesitated before deciding to rush over and hug her therapist. "Thank you."

Michelle hugged her gently, "Of course, Bella. You're worth it."

* * *

"I mean it, Dad; be nice!"

"Yeah, yeah," Charlie Swan grumbled, turning onto the long road that ended at the Cullen home. "Alice begged me to agree to this. You know how that girl is."

Bella smiled; her dad's affection for Alice was a saving grace. The tiny pixie had him wrapped around her delicate finger, and she made haste in using it at every turn to the advantage of herself and her brother.

"You don't bet against Alice, Dad. Ever."

Charlie parked the cruiser behind Jasper's car, the Chief on call for the holiday but not expecting to be summoned from the turkey Alice had promised. Reaching behind her for her backpack and a large shopping bag filled with gifts, Bella stepped out onto the drive and found herself thumping against the side of the car as her friend slammed into her with a squeal.

"You're here! Merry Christmas, Bella!" Alice shouted. "Hi, Chief!"

"Damn, Alice, you trying to crack my ribs?" Bella groaned. "Watch the goodies!"

"Ooh! Which one is mine?" Alice clapped her hands excitedly.

"Tink, you sure you're not really Tigger?"

Alice laughed, "Who knows? C'mon inside! I have to show you the dress Jasper bought me! It's Caroline Herrera!"

Bella mouthed an apo0logy to her father as Alice dragged her up the steps of the front porch and into the house, where not even Edward managed a greeting before Bella was kidnapped up the winding stairwell and to the second door on the left. With a giggle, Alice threw open the door and pushed Bella inside, locking the door behind her.

It was a trap.

"Alice, that definitely isn't your size," Bella noted warily.

"Nope, it's yours!" Alice giggled, blocking Bella's exit. "Come _on_, Bella! I haven't dressed you up in _months_! Indulge me? It's a Christmas gift!"

With a defeated sigh, Bella dropped her bags. "Easy on the make-up, no wild hairdo, no heels."

"Yay!" Alice immediately went to work, digging through a drawer of make-up. "You're the best sister ever!"

"Sister?"

Alice beamed, "No matter what happens, that's who you are to me, Bella. Accept it!"

Bella swiped away a stray tear, "I love you, Alice."

"And I love you!" With a wicked grin, Alice held up a tube of lipgloss and a compact. "Now, strip!"

.

.

.

Downstairs, Carlisle had wisely run interference with Charlie, inviting him into his study for a drink of scotch. The two men stood absently examining the library of books, sipping their drinks in a somewhat comfortable silence. The Chief respected him, he knew, and thus, he hoped his words would resonate.

"It's hard, being a single father," Carlisle began. "When Esme left us, the house went to hell for a good three weeks. The fridge ran empty, the bills were behind for the first time. Everything was overwhelming. Even in sickness, she'd managed so many of the details."

"When Bella's mother left, I started eating down at the diner every day, morning and night," Charlie recalled. "I couldn't remember how to cook anything beyond a steak or a burger."

Carlisle smiled, "You're better than I; even a steak was a mystery. Thankfully, we had Alice. She stepped right into her mother's shoes and she's stayed in them. I love my children, Charlie, and I make sure they know that they can always talk to me. But sometimes, the boys need a woman's touch, you know? Alice has been their mother for the last fourteen months. Emmett's pretty resilient, but Edward was so close to his mother. His Nana, too. After losing both of them, he just... stopped trying."

Charlie nodded, thoughtful. Carlisle took this as his permission to continue his train of thought.

"It's the most painful truth we face, as parents, to understand that we can't shield our children from the world. We can't protect them from life itself. It's hell, to admit that our love isn't enough to insulate them. But they need us, all the same, even if they don't know it. Sometimes, though, the best way to learn how to ride a bike is to fall off it."

"Bella loves Edward a hell of a lot," Charlie conceded.

"Bella's a second daughter to me, now. She will always be welcome here. Without her, I don't think Edward would have ever faced up to his demons."

"Has he?" Charlie asked. "Has he really looked at himself?"

Carlisle nodded, "He tripled his sessions, his request, and agreed to medication, to set an example for Bella. He's come home spent, eyes swollen, and passed out on the couch a lot. But I see the changes, in the way he laughs with Emmett or talks to Alice. Any time we'd suggest he take it slower, he'd point out Bella's daily sessions and tell us to stop. She's saved him, without knowing it. I'm forever grateful to her."

"Bella's a lot stronger now," Charlie said. "As much as I want to strangle your kid for what he put her through, he's been there for her for months, day after day, even when she's been in moods that make _me_ want to duct tape her jaw shut."

"As fathers, I think it's time we learn to step back for a bit. But only a step," Carlisle added, winking.

"Yeah," Charlie mumbled. "But I reserve the right to smack sense into him if he pulls another stunt on her."

"Get in line," Carlisle joked. "Alice has the front spot reserved, I'm sure." Downing his scotch, he gestured to the door. "I believe dinner's almost ready. Shall we?"

Charlie nodded his assent and followed Carlisle into the living room, where Alice was forcing a sheepish Bella to twirl in her new dress. Emerald green, with wide straps, an empire waist and a delicate flowing skirt, it accented Bella's crimson highlights and provided a sharp contrast to her deep brown eyes. She was, without question, beautiful.

"She insisted on ballet flats," Alice whined. "I had the cutest heels in mind, too!"

"This your handiwork?" Charlie asked, chuckling at Bella's defeated stare.

"Of course! It's her Christmas present!" Alice beamed, gesturing to the tree in the corner. "Presents! Now!"

Jasper shook his head, settling onto the couch, "I don't even bother arguing with her. Go to work, darlin'."

"Where's Rose and Emmett?" Bella asked.

"At her parents' place. They promised to be back after dinner," Edward added.

"This one's for you, Chief!" Alice exclaimed, handing him a large box, wrapped expertly in shimmering paper and bows.

Bewildered, Charlie settled into an armchair, tearing at the paper. "Thank you, Alice."

"Thank Edward!" she cooed. "It's from him!"

"Thank you," Charlie managed, smiling faintly.

"Bella helped me choose it, so if it's wrong, we can exchange it," Edward blurted out, earning a smack from Bella. "What?"

"I know damn well what he likes! No exchanges, Dad!"

"And this is yours, Bella! It's from Jasper and I."

"Alice!" Bella admonished. You already bought me a gift!" She twirled to emphasize her point.

"Yeah, but this one is _joint_, so it's different!" Handing Bella the large rectangle, she reached for Bella's bag of presents. "Are these labelled?"

"Oh, yes! Hand them out."

Charlie finished unwrapping the new tackle box Bella knew he'd been pining for, and nodded approvingly. "Bella's right; she knows what her father wants. Thank you, again."

"No problem," Edward replied. "Bella wants to go fishing in the spring." He laughed as Bella glared at him. "What?"

"You're so dead," Bella grumbled as she opened up her gift and found a scrapbook, its cover a velvety black. "Wow, this is beautiful, guys. Now I'll be motivated to use that camera Ronan gave me."

Alice chirped, "Daddy, this one's yours!"

With a warm smile, Carlisle accepted the small box, shaking it gently. "Is it a car?"

Bella giggled, "Matchbox, maybe!"

"And this one's for Jasper!" Alice squealed, depositing a larger box in his lap. "Ooh! Mine!"

"I'm sorry, Chief; Alice baked the cookies... which means she ate half the dough," Edward groaned.

"Only half?" Bella teased, sticking out her tongue at Alice's pout. "Open your gift, Tink."

Carlisle opened the small black box and admired the contents. "Bella, how did you ever manage-"

"Edward told me about the cufflinks you lost, with your family crest. Ronan knows a guy who crafts jewellery and such. We took in a picture and he made magic happen."

"I'm touched, Bella. You're so thoughtful." Carlisle crossed the room, hugging her gently. "Thank you."

"It's the least I could do for my anonymous benefactor," Bella beamed, winking.

When Bella's insurance had refused to cover her inpatient treatment, stating they believed day treatment would suffice, Carlisle had stepped in and paid her medical bills, refusing to take no for an answer. According to Edward, Esme's life insurance had clocked in at a half million, which Carlisle had astutely invested for the future of his children. To him, Bella was a child, and thus, the money was hers.

"OH MY GOD!" Alice shrieked. "This... Is this...?"

"The closest knock-off I could find to Lea's Marie Claire dress you loved?" Bella beamed. "Rosalie helped me out by doing the legwork on it."

"Ahh! I want to wear this NOW!" Alice screamed. "Bella, you are EPIC!"

"Bella, how'd you know about my Civil War obsession?" Jasper asked, incredulous.

"C'mon, Jasper; think for a moment," Bella laughed, jerking her head towards Alice.

"This book is one of the few I don't yet own. It's fantastic."

"Pass me Edward's?" Bella asked Alice nervously, who quickly obliged her.

"Me first," Edward demanded.

"No way! I'm not giving you my little gift in the shadow of you spoiling me against my will!"

Edward threw up his hands, "Alright! Ladies first, although I'm sure you've topped me, given the trend today."

With a shy smile, Bella rose to her feet, meeting Edward at the wall upon which he leaned casually. "I put a lot of thought into it. You're impossible to shop for."

With a grin, Edward tore into the thin square box, withdrawing a CD in a plain case and a white envelope. Confused, he looked to Bella, who twirled a strand of hair absently in anticipation of his reaction.

"A mix CD, of course, from one music junkie to another," Bella began. "Now, open the envelope!"

"Is it a pony?" Edward joked.

"Smart ass!" Bella laughed, as he ran his thumb under the flap, breaking the seal.

Inside the envelope, Edward found two tickets for a performance the following month of a symphony, although he didn't recognize the name. Nor did he understand the 'Modern Harmonies' title of the event. Turning to Bella, he held up the tickets as a question.

"It's a touring symphony from Europe," Bella explained. "They perform renditions of modern rock tracks, only with your typical orchestral instruments. It seemed a perfect marriage of your tastes."

"Wow..." Edward was speechless, a feat few had achieved in his lifetime. "Thank you. It's perfect."

"Take whoever you want," Bella teased, "But know I will cry at missing an orchestra playing Muse."

"Oh hush!" Edward admonished, pulling her against his side. "I'm taking you, naturally!" Handing her an envelope, he held his breath.

Staring at the simple white paper, Bella frowned, "You didn't buy me tickets to the same damn thing, did you?"

"No. Open it," Edward urged.

Their families watched as Bella slowly fumbled her way through opening the envelope, withdrawing a folded piece of paper. Still mystified, she unfolded it, read the first few lines, then burst into tears, hugging him tightly.

"Edward, what the hell did you write her?" Alice demanded.

"I bought her something I thought she really needed," Edward replied, brushing aside his girlfriend's tears. "Tink, I told you months ago!"

"OH!" Alice nodded, understanding her brother. "No wonder you asked me about the scrapbook! I remember it now."

"You... You're... thank you," Bella stammered, struggling to breathe. "When?"

"It's open-ended, so you choose when. Take whoever you want!" Edward added, eliciting a giggle from Bella.

"What did you give her?" Charlie asked, puzzled at his daughter's reaction.

"A trip to Phoenix," Bella replied quietly. "To visit mom."

A hush fell over the group, the weight of Bella's words sinking in. Bella's loss was no secret to the Cullens, although only Alice had known previously of Edward's desire to send her home for a visit. It was a powerful gesture, for it allowed Bella something she desperately needed: closure. She'd buried her mother and flown immediately to Forks, unable to have a graveside chat, a private moment. Without warning, Charlie rose, extending his hand to Edward. He stared, stunned, before scrambling to meet his gesture, shaking his hand.

"Take good care of her when you two decide to go," Charlie said firmly.

"I assumed Bella would take you, sir."

Charlie shook his head. "I'm at peace with Phoenix. Bella needs her strength to find hers. It's plain where she finds it. Unless you want me to, Bells?"

Bella shrugged, leaning against Edward's chest. "No, I... If that's okay with you?"

"I said it was. It is." Bella fell into her father's arms, his embrace warm and tight, a bear hug. "Clear it with Michelle, too."

"Yes, of course!" Bella blushed, drying her eyes, "I screwed your make-up job, Aly."

"It doesn't matter," Alice replied, grinning. "I smell turkey! Shall we?"

Alice skipped ahead, her red babydoll dress swishing as Jasper followed close behind. Carlisle shook Charlie's hand, asking him about a Mariners trade gone wrong, and Edward pulled Bella to him, kissing her gently. Her eyes were swollen, but she had never felt more beautiful, never more loved than this moment.

"I've been so afraid," she whispered. "I don't feel like me anymore."

"You're still you, silly girl. Just less sad. I love your smile," he added, kissing the corners of her mouth.

"But what if I'm still-?"

"Bella, I love you. You. The whole package. Your happiness is mine, and your sadness cuts me as deeply. Do you love me less, now that I'm not drunk every night and whining in my apartment?"

"Of course not!" Bella scolded him.

"We're lucky, Bella; we've already survived the worst. Life can only get better for us."

With a contented sigh, Bella kissed him, playfully rolling her tongue bar along his lower lip, earning a shudder from her love. "I like the sound of that..."

"_Guys! _Quit smooching and come eat!" Alice shouted from the kitchen.

"That's our cue," Edward murmured.

"We have tonight," Bella replied. "You're not sleeping a wink, mister."

"I didn't plan on it," Edward moaned softly as Bella's hand cupped his groin.

"GUYS!"

"Fucking Tink," Edward cursed.

"Tonight," Bella promised.

"And forever," Edward affirmed, sealing his vow with a kiss.

* * *

_I was going to chop this in two, but decided you all deserved to see them through to the end of 2009. The story ends in 2010, FYI._

_Let me know what you think. Our duo demanded a mini-lemon, so I let them have their tart. I rather love Carlisle this chapter._

_4 more and an epilogue... dum da dum!_

_Speaking of stories... **if anyone remembers Disc Jockeys, I'm pondering a sequel. If you haven't read it... um, please do! I love it!**_

_Expect a **Deliratio update soon**._

_Follow me! casket4myfanfic_

_Follow our couple (they're itching to chat, now that the dust has settled): ForkedUp_

_**Nov 2010: This story is up for 3(!) Rare Gem Awards, in the Rare Gems division: Best Angst, Best Lemon, and Most Original Storyline. You can vote once daily til it closes, and there are some really great nominees among the categories, some which never pop up in awards (self included!). Go vote and ensure this awards program thrives and rewards those authors who usually fly below the awards radar!**_

**tiny[dot]cc/p43ww**


	35. Chapter 35

_AN: _

_I have great news for those of you who have been telling me how sad you are that we're approaching the finish line: this Phoenix chapter is simply too damn long, so it's being cut in two. That means a projected 39+epilogue for the story - but who knows how the rest will go? _

_I don't control this ship; Doucheward and Bitchella do. I also don't own Twilight._

_Songs for this chapter:_

_Your Winter - Sister Hazel_  
_Galapogos - Smashing Pumpkins_  
_Thinking of You - A Perfect Circle *this comes on Edward's stereo_  
_If - Janet Jackson_  
_Monkey Wrench - Foo Fighters*quoted in chapter when someone's singing_  
_What a Good Boy - Barenaked Ladies *hands down, one of the most meaningful songs to my teen years, and nothing like their usual singles*_

_Also, this chapter brings both a tissue warning and a NSFW disclaimer. Yeah, this chapter's all over. When we last left off, it was Christmas 2009... Off we move into 2010!_

**Playlist! casket4mytears[dot]wordpress[dot]com/2010/05/11/tattoos-like-mile-markers-breaking-down-the-playlist/**

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

_February 25th, 2010_

"I really don't want to do this," Edward mumbled, tugging at his hair.

"I know, but Andy said this would help."

Edward sighed, "Tink, I can't go in there."

Alice reached for his hand, squeezing it tightly as she nodded, her eyes reaching out across the green expanse marred with oblong grey shapes, her own heart faltering, as it always did. Visiting her mother's grave was never easy; most times, she came home and took a shower as an excuse to bawl her eyes out. Talking to her in their home, where her mother's gentle touch permeated the architecture and furniture, felt safe and warm. Here, in the cemetery, Alice was forced to reconcile the fact that one woman could be so alive in one place, while remaining interred in cold, unforgiving ground.

"Edward, you have to. You don't want to let Bella down, do you?"

"No. No, I can't do that. You _know_ I can't."

Alice tugged at his arm, "Then we need to do this today. Your flight's first thing."

Edward now had a near phobic reaction to cemeteries, having watched four people dear to him laid six feet under. He had refused to visit the graves of their mother and grandmother, adamant that it was impossible, that it would break him. A part of him believed, as best he could articulate it to his sister, that their spirits waited, lingering in their quiet sadness, to admonish him for all he'd done wrong. In spite of how far he'd come with his therapy, the graves still tortured him in sleep.

But Edward had promised Bella that he would take her to Phoenix this weekend, and with that came the burden of supporting her at her mother's grave. He'd diminished his fears to Bella, not wanting her to feel guilty for asking that he be with her, but to Alice, he'd begged for solutions, adamant he not fail his girlfriend again. When Andy had suggested that Edward use the principles of exposure therapy to reduce his anxiety, Edward had called Alice immediately for her help. Bella was out for dinner with her father, a goodbye meal before their departure. It was their only chance without arousing her suspicion or concern.

Rocking back and forth on his feet, Edward grimaced, "I can't look. Can you just lead me there?"

"What do you mean? Blind? Like, drag you along?"

Edward nodded, "And try not to crack my knees off of anything? I'm serious, Ally. I can't imagine doing the walk, the slow approach. Could you?"

Alice tilted her head, frowning, "You're serious?"

"Yes, damn it!" Edward paused, choking back a sob. "I can't watch it coming closer. It's too much like driving past where Tanya... Where she..."

"Okay, okay! Shh," Alice murmured softly. "Close your eyes. I'll do my best not to kill us."

Edward nodded, pressing his eyes tightly closed as Alice slowly made her way through the arch over the cemetery entrance, her eyes scanning for rocks and other trip hazards on the main pathway. She could feel the tension in his hand, the palm rigid and clammy as he shuffled slowly behind her. He trembled as they manoeuvred deeper into the lattice of headstones and planted memorial trees, his breath catching. She hummed one of their mother's favourite songs, Edward immediately recognizing the familiar Elton John tune, and his gait smoothed out, his mind distracted.

They were two rows away when Edward spoke, his voice husky, "How far?"

"Not very."

He froze, Alice jerking to a sudden stop as he shook his head, eyes still closed. "It feels like death here. Like her room."

"I know," Alice whispered. "I hate it. The house is better."

Edward sighed, "I don't ever want to come back here after today."

"You don't have to. But at least you'll know you're strong enough, right?"

With a little nod, Edward allowed her to pull him along, around the curve leading to their family plot. A delicate shrub cradled the simple headstone, the harsh gothic script announcing _Cullen_ above their mother's name. A cluster of her beloved flowers, her 'shooting stars', were just beginning to sprout anew, accenting the shrub. Alice knew her father tended them regularly, subtly making weekly visits to his wife's resting place; Emmett had stumbled onto him when visiting once, and their father had confessed his ritual. Alice hoped that someday, he'd find the ability to let her go, but she instinctively knew better. Carlisle Cullen would never remarry, would never stop loving his beloved Esme.

"We're here," Alice whispered.

Edward shuddered, "I'm afraid to look. God, this is so fucking stupid! I'm not a child!"

"You're _her_ child," Alice replied, "And this really, really sucks." Her voice cracked, the tears beginning to fall as she looked to the gloomy sky overhead. "I miss her so much."

"Me, too." With a growl of frustration, Edward softly counted to three and opened his eyes, immediately bursting into tears. "Fuck..."

Alice leaned against his shoulder, her brother's strong arm wrapping around her as she wept into his coat. She had wanted to remain strong for him, had attempted to steel herself, but nothing would ever make this okay. Death was _never_ okay.

"She shouldn't be here," Edward mumbled, "She was too young. So young..."

"Fuck cancer!" Alice angrily snapped, her tiny foot kicking out. "I fucking hate it! Emmett's getting married in a few months and Mom's not here and it's not fair!"

Edward sobbed, "She'll never meet Bella. She never made it to New Zealand. God, she fucking wanted to go there so badly! Remember?"

"It was so random, too," Alice added, swiping at her eyes. "But she saw that article and decided she wanted to see it. But three weeks later, she had the pain..." Her knees buckled and she swayed, Edward swiftly sliding his arm under hers to steady her.

Edward shook his head, "I'm so sorry I went out that day, Mom. I am so fucking sorry I wasn't there, holding your hand, like I promised I would..."

"Edward, you couldn't have known-"

"I knew!" Edward wailed. "I _knew_ it was that fucking day, and I should have stayed with her every single minute, but there was nothing to eat, and I couldn't make Dad go. But I _knew_!"

Alice cried softly, overwhelmed by her own regrets. "Jasper talked me into coffee and a movie. He said I needed to breathe... "

Edward swallowed hard, hugging Alice closer, "I can't do this much longer, Tink. I can't. It hurts too much to think of her this way."

Alice nodded furiously, "I know... Mom, I miss you, so much. It's so hard, being you... I don't know how you did it. But I try. I try so hard..." Her voice fell away, her throat dry and cheeks moist as she buried her face in her hands.

"She would be so proud of you," Edward whispered. "You're a superhero, Alice. I'm just the fuck-up."

"Shut up. You're wonderful. You're passionate like Mom was. When you love, it's intense. You're devoted, to me and Emm, and to Bella." Alice paused, smiling weakly, "You always have our backs, even when we're dead wrong."

Edward shrugged, "You're my sister. No one fucks with you."

"It goes both ways."

"I know."

They stood quietly, the faint winds grazing their cheeks, the only sound a faint chirping of a distant bird. Edward brought Bella's face to mind, concentrating on her porcelain features, her eyes, the way her hair tangled about her face when she slept, murmuring strange phrases to herself. _She is why you're here_, he reminded himself, his heart racing. _You have to help her say her goodbyes_. It was disheartening, the moments like this where all of his newly developed coping skills and resolve crumbled as if it were all just the facade he feared it was. It made him wonder why he took the stupid little pills and went to therapy to dredge up everything that cut through him to the bone. If it weren't for Bella, if he weren't so terrified of losing her again, he wouldn't bother. _And Alice_, he added mentally, kissing the top of her head as she shook in his embrace. _She's been through enough_.

Alice shifted suddenly, forcing her legs to support her weight and drawing a deep breath to assuage her tears, "Wanna go home and get stupid high?"

"Yeah," Edward agreed. "Blazed beyond belief sounds really fucking nice." With a last long look, Edward reached down, fingertips grazing the cool stone before them. "'Bye, Mom. Thank you, for the library."

The two of them red-eyed and unsteady, they walked, hand in hand, down the winding pathway, silent. Together, as they'd always been in childhood, a united force against bedtimes and bad healthy food and boogeymen. Together, through thick and thin, through self-destruction and sadness.

"You feel okay now to face Phoenix?"

Edward sighed, "It'll be easier, at least."

"That's something," Alice mused.

Edward nodded. _Yeah. It's something. I just hope it's enough_.

* * *

The loud rock music flooded the garage as Edward and Alice pulled open the door to the house. Emmett hooted loudly as Jasper cursed, and the two of them exchanged a knowing look.

"Rock Band," Alice groaned.

"I hope Bella isn't her yet. She'd be fucking bored, watching these two war as usual," Edward grumbled.

And then they heard it: Bella giving her all, belting out a Foo Fighters track.

"_All this time to make amends  
What do you do when all your enemies are friends?  
Now and then, I'll try to bend  
Under the pressure  
Wind up snapping in the end..._"

"Damn, Bella!" Rosalie cheered as they rounded the corner into the living room. "I think you're blowing Emm's vocal score away on this one!"

Bella flipped Emmett off playfully, wielding the microphone as he pounded on the drums. Jasper attacked the bass line with fierce determination, oblivious to Alice's presence.

"Did you guys decide to have a party without us?" Edward joked, nodding to Rosalie.

"Emmett decided to brag about his scores," Rosalie explained, "And Bella laughed and said she had done better. There's a twenty riding on this best of five."

Bella waved quickly at Edward, before snarling her way through the bridge with perfect inflection and a rage Dave Grohl would applaud, earning applause from Alice and an angry grumbling from Emmett as her score skyrocketed.

"_Still there's one thing that comforts me  
Since I was always caged and now I'm freeeeeeeee!_"

"You are never allowed to say no to singing again, Bella Swan!" Edward exclaimed, in awe. "Never!"

Bella shook her head, glaring at Edward and quickly answering, "Guy tunes are easy!"

"I want a turn!" Alice demanded. "Where's the guitar?"

"Over there," Jasper replied, jerking his head to his left. "Rose gave up two songs back."

As the song wrapped, with Emmett banging the drums a little too roughly, Bella crowed as her score easily topped 'Emmster' on the list. "That's three for three, Emm. Give the fuck up already and gimme my twenty!``

`Dude, why didn`t you tell me your woman had alt rock pipes?" Emmett whined at Edward.

"Hey, she's been holding out on me! When the hell have you been playing this game? On your birthday, we barely talked you into a round of bass!"

"Emily and I play all the time when Ronan's not around to criticize us," Bella explained, reaching for a glass of wine. "It's our girl thing. I prefer the guy shit because it's easier for me. Plus, it's ridiculously fun to growl along with Chop Suey."

"YES!" Emmett raised his palm, Bella giving him a high five as he chugged his beer. "That's my fucking song!"

"I bet it would be my song if I did it right now," Bella teased.

"No way. System is all mine, Swan!"

Alice shook her head, "Bella, he will do this all night. Quit while you can still grab some sleep before the morning."

With a shrug, Bella sauntered over to Edward, planting a kiss on his lips. "Fine, but only because I have a seven am wake-up. But when we get back into town, it's on, Emmett. I promise you that. And I expect_ a crisp twenty _waiting for me!"

"Count on it, sister!" Emmett laughed, flipping through their extensive song list. "Alright Alice, let's choose one. _No Bikini Kill_!"

"Fucker! _Jazz_! Make him be nice!"

Jasper glanced at Rosalie, "Hey, uh, Rose? I think we need refills."

Rosalie grinned, "Totally. Let's go take care of that as slowly as possible."

Edward led Bella to the spiralling staircase, Bella snickering as Rosalie and Jasper hurried to the kitchen, seeking refuge from yet another battle of wills between the pint-sized Cullen sister and her brutish brother. Exhausted emotionally, he found new life in her shy smile as she sashayed deliberately ahead of him, well aware of her effect on his groin.

"You keep swaying it and I'll have to smack it on principle," Edward cautioned her.

"Who says that's not my goal?" Bella teased, adding a little extra hip motion to her gait.

His hand shot out quickly, catching her left cheek with a firm slap. Bella gasped and giggled, rushing up the stairs with Edward in hot pursuit. His speed easily trumped her clumsiness, his hand seizing her wrist and pulling her against him in a fluid motion, his free hand slapping the right side. Bella moaned into his chest, her hips grinding against him insistently.

"My entire family is home," Edward murmured, nibbling her ear.

"Except your dad," Bella panted. "And the rest of them are just as sex-crazed."

They stumbled down the hall, Edward walking backwards to spare Bella's two left feet, kissing and nipping playfully as their hands roamed wildly. Downstairs, the TV edged up several notches, and Edward chuckled knowingly. _Someone has read our filthy minds_.

"I got us a present," Bella purred.

Edward kicked open his bedroom door, pulling Bella inside. "Oh?"

"Mmm..." Bella's hand cupped his groin, licking her lips with satisfaction at the growing mass within her palm. "Turn on the stereo. Loud."

Pained at a moment's separation, Edward hurriedly threw in a burned CD labelled 'Intense', hitting play and edging the volume to 80%, which, for the surprisingly powerful speakers, meant that they'd scarcely hear each other, let alone suffer the embarrassment of prying ears. Bella shut and locked the door, her hair drifting over her eyes in that way that made Edward hard instantaneously on any day. At a moment like this, where Bella bit her lip in her familiar signal that she wanted him buried inside her, it brought him to a painful state of arousal. Raw need replaced all rationality as he lunged at her, pinning her against the door with a resounding thump, his mouth seeking hers and claiming it with a deep kiss. Her hands gripped his ass tightly, pressing him to her as she writhed against the wood behind her.

"Fuck, I need you," he groaned, burying his face in the crook of her neck, biting and sucking at her flesh. "I need you so much today."

"I need you," Bella whimpered. "I need you to take me over. I need to lose control."

Edward groaned, his hand cupping her breast, thumbing the delicate nipple beneath, "What's this present you spoke of?"

With a sly smile, Bella leaned near his ear, and whispered her reply: "Handcuffs."

Edward leaned back slightly, stunned, "Really? Bella, you've never-"

"Normally," Bella began, "No. I like the way your hands pin me against the shower wall," and at that, she ran her tongue along his lips lightly, "and I love our soft sex, too. But right now, I want this. I need to do this, with you."

"Why?"

"I need to accept that I can't always be in control of my life. Michelle and I agreed on that. And I've always, before you, I mean, been dominant. The thought of you doing it to me is just... safe. Please?"

Edward saw her conviction, her love, her _trust_, in her eyes, and knew he could not, and would not, deny her. He moved quickly, stripping her of her jeans and t-shirt in record time before removing his own shirt and tossing it to the floor. Seizing her wrists, he pinned them over her head, groaning as she cried out happily, her knees trembling.

"Where are they?"

"Under your pillow," she murmured.

"We'll get there eventually," Edward promised.

Gripping both of her slender wrists in his left hand, his right slid between her thighs, his mind reeling at the sounds lodged in her delicate throat. Giving in to the animalistic need that filled him, he sunk his teeth gently but firmly into her shoulder, sucking hard at her warm skin as he ran a teasing finger along the flimsy black silk between her legs.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Bella murmured, her breaths shallow. "Please, Edward, _please_..."

"Not yet," Edward answered, darting a finger between the folds and bringing it to his lips. "I want to enjoy this."

He tasted her, watching her eyes roll back as he pushed the fabric aside and thrust the finger inside of her without warning, her hands struggling against his grasp. He gently tugged her ear with his teeth, his voice low.

"Stop struggling, or I won't let you come, Bella."

Bella's arms went slack, her head lunging out to bite his neck hard. Exhilarated, Edward thrust a second finger into her, pumping slowly in and out, his thumb lightly flicking against her swollen nub with each withdrawal. Her heart was pounding within her chest as he bowed his head, marking her right breast with a purple blossom, her moans and cries growing louder as the music shifted to a pulsing rhythm.

"God, Edward, I'm close," Bella whispered hoarsely.

"I love you," he whispered, moving faster, pressing his fingers towards himself as he worked to bring her to her peak.

"I... l-_shit! Fuck_..."

Her body slammed against the door as she jolted wildly, Edward revelling in the way her body clamped and spasmed around his fingers. He kissed her as she came, their tongues tangling together as she moaned into him, hips grinding into his hand as she rode it out. His free hand quickly unzipped his fly, shoving his pants down his hips, his feet making quick work of removing them and his socks.

"Bed," he demanded gruffly. "We need the bed."

He released her hands, scooping her up and cradling her against his chest as he walked them to his bed, the wrought iron frame and its slats taking on new meaning in light of Bella's purchase. Setting her down on the bed, he removed her bra, tossing it over his shoulder and striking his lamp, making Bella giggle. He silenced her with a rough kiss, his hand pawing beneath the pillows, procuring a simple set of metal cuffs.

"Keys?" he whispered.

"Top drawer of the night stand," Bella replied, her freed hands roaming his bare chest eagerly.

Flipping open the cuffs, Edward looked her dead in the eyes, again searching for doubt or fear. He found none. Securing the first cuff around her left wrist, he laid down his limits.

"I won't hit you. I won't draw blood. I won't hurt you," Edward insisted. "I _will_ spank your amazing ass, and I _will_ stop the moment you tell me to. But most of all, I will make you scream my name at least once."

"Take me hard," Bella demanded. "I belong to you."

Looping the free cuff around a slat in the headboard, Edward secured Bella's right wrist, effectively binding her hands over her head. Her lashes hung low and seductive, her tongue playfully wagging at him. Bella was well aware of how hot her piercings made him, and she never failed to torture him at every turn. Shedding his boxer briefs quickly, Edward straddled Bella's body, leaning forward to kiss her neck.

"I love you, Bella," he whispered. "Always," he added, trailing kisses along her right shoulder.

"I love you," she breathed, her voice shaky.

His hand brushed aside messy strands of auburn waves from her face as his lips grazed hers, before he began his slow descent down her chest. Lips and tongue lapped and kissed at her bare skin, Edward pausing to gently tug and suck at each nipple. His fingers lightly skimmed her arms, eliciting a shudder from Bella. He made his way further down, inching his body along, his mouth finding her navel piercing and kissing around it, lightly, whispering his love for her as he felt her initially flinch. He was proud of her, proud of how far she'd come, and how far she was determined to go. She was beauty, perfection in her imperfections. His fingers traced the raised line that coursed her stomach, the wound faded but prominent still, and for a moment, he fought the urge to apologize anew for the pain he'd caused her.

They had promised to stop punishing themselves for the past. Bella would slap him the moment the cuffs were off, should he waver now.

"There is something I have been longing to do for ages," Edward said, his fingers toying with the waist of her panties.

"Whatever you want, baby. You're in control," Bella insisted. "Just please, Edward, please let me have you."

His eyes met hers, his lips forming a subtle grin. "In a moment."

With a violent tug, Edward tore apart the right seam of her panties, chuckling as Bella gasped in surprise. Seizing the material on the other side, Edward quickly destroyed the undergarment, tossing aside the scraps that once clung to Bella's hips and ass.

"You're paying for those," Bella remarked coyly.

"With pleasure," Edward growled, looping a hand beneath each knee and pressing them to her chest.

He entered hard, burying himself inside of her as she cried out loudly, her wrists tugging at the cuffs as she jumped. Using her knees as leverage, Edward resisted the urge to have her fast and rough, disregarding his aching in favour of slow and nearly complete withdrawals from her tightness, only to forcefully slam back inside. Bella writhed and gasped, her mouth forming unintelligible phrases as he gradually edged the pace up, his willpower fading as he watched her face, watched the pleasure he gave her unfolding upon it. Impulsively, he spanked her while pulling out, grinning as Bella literally purred.

"Harder," she gasped suddenly. "More."

"Tell me if it hurts," he demanded, praising every God of every pantheon that Bella had practiced yoga for six years as he extended her legs over his shoulders, grabbed the headboard behind her and promptly slammed deeper than he ever imagined possible.

Her screamed 'Yes' was all the encouragement he needed, and he lost himself in her, in the way her body felt against his. The way her skin glistened as she bucked her hips, arching to meet his thrusts, the way her fingers reached to graze his wrists as he quickened his pace, all of it was too much, too much and never enough. He would never have his fill of her, not if they spent the rest of eternity twisted together in a strange human origami, mouths meeting again and again. She moaned louder, snatches of words lost in between their ecstatic harmony. Edward was no longer able to focus on anything more than how she coiled and tightened around his shaft, flying towards her release and bringing him with her. As Bella screamed his name loud enough that he knew each and every other occupant of the house would hear it over the music, Edward gave in, thrusting slower as his own orgasm crested over him, leaving him gasping and chanting her name as collapsed atop her spent body. His mouth met hers gently, breaking away as his head plummeted to her shoulder, dizzy and delirious.

"Oh...my...Fuck..."

"Yeah..."

Bella's foot ran along his leg, a habit of hers he'd noticed in recent months. It was her post-sex quirk, a happy little foot gracing his body with its appreciation, and he loved it. Suddenly more coherent, Edward startled, sitting up and fumbling in his night stand.

"I'm sorry, baby. I should have done this right away," he said, seizing the keys and freeing Bella's hands.

"Mmm, I didn't mind waiting," Bella purred. "Not like I'm moving any time soon."

Edward chuckled, rolling over Bella and pulling her against his chest. "Nah, me neither."

"All this room needs is a fridge and a bathroom, and we'd be set," Bella mused. "Your apartment needs that, too."

"Well, how about we focus on my own place and not make a habit of wild sex in my dad's place?"

Bella grimaced, "Yeah... the music wasn't loud enough, was it?"

Edward shook his head. "No, but you made me look damn skilled in bed, so thank you!"

"Doucheward!" Bella exclaimed, flushing a bright pink.

"Am I not skilled?" Edward asked, feigning being hurt.

"Oh you damn well know you are!" Bella slapped his chest, nuzzling closer. "You've spoiled me for everyone else, so you better keep me."

"That's the plan." Edward smoothed her hair over, kissing her head. "Early morning tomorrow. Sleep, honey."

"I'm scared," Bella confessed.

"I'm going to be there for you, every minute," Edward promised.

"I know that. I'm scared it'll be too much for you-"

"Hush," Edward interrupted. "I've worked my ass off in therapy to be stronger. I'm ready for anything, Bella. Don't ever doubt it."

Bella murmured incoherently, her breathing dropping off as sleep mercifully claimed her, freeing her of her fears. With a smile, Edward closed his own eyes, allowing himself to rest, his last thoughts of Bella, and a small house of their own.

* * *

The flight to Phoenix brought out the worst in Bella's anxiety, her fingers drumming the arm rest between them sporadically. Edward struggled to distract her, but the memory of her last trip in a plane - her move from Phoenix to Forks - had her on edge. Unfortunately, after her overdose, Bella was off anti-anxiety medications, a mutual decision made by her and her therapist. There was nothing else to offer her, save a drink - and Bella had refused that.

"I don't want drinking to be my bloody Pavlovian response to stress anymore," she'd explained.

So instead, they watched a movie absently on Bella's laptop, neither of them able to stay focused. Neither of them had seen it before, and they unanimously agreed they never would again.

"I wish I had _The Wall_ on here," Bella lamented. "Hands down, one of the best music-driven films in history. That, or _Empire Records. _But _The Wall _ is visually stunning and moving."

"It's up there, no question, but there are others just as fantastic," Edward replied. "_Almost Famous_, for starters? It captures every aspect of music as a business, and touring life."

"Yeah, but it has Kate Hudson, and granted, she's not bad in that movie, but that's because she pretty much is a fucking 'Band-Aid'," Bella countered. "She's normally a dreadful actress, which is a shame, since her parents were pretty fun in the 80s flicks they made."

"Kate Hudson's a 'Band-Aid'? What does that mean?"

"It means," Bella answered, rolling her eyes, "That she's a fucking musician humper. She married Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes - by the way, his solo album was pretty cool - and then divorces him, promptly chasing down one guy after another, one of the most recent being the guy who filmed a freaking Black Crowes concert. Although she also seems to have a thing for athletes... But still, I would put money on her next big guy being some popular musician with 'deep' music."

"Point taken!" Edward laughed. "So, dear music master, what other movies meet your criteria? Are you down with _The Blues Brothers_?"

"Oh, fuck yeah! John Candy is comic goodness and it's the best thing Belushi and Akroyd have ever done. Well, Akroyd also has _My Girl_, but I blame that on my traitorous estrogen making me a sap. I love that movie! Oh, and _Repo!_ Anthony Stewart Head is amazing!"

"_Repo_? I've seen that _Reefer Madness_ musical they did a few years back with Alan Cumming and Kristen Bell, but what is _Repo_?"

Bella gasped, immediately opening iTunes, "How the fuck have you not seen the glory that is _Repo! The Genetic Opera_? The guy who made it created the _Saw_ franchise! It's about a future where people have organ replacement surgery for cosmetic reasons as well as need, and if you miss payments, the company repossesses their organs from their bodies. Giles rocks the Repo Man role like nobody's business! Paris Hilton is in a movie with him and Sarah Brightman!"

"As in, Andrew Lloyd Webber boning Sarah?"

"Mmm-hmm. Oh, dear _God_, you must hear it! The one lead girl, she's played by that actress who was in _Spy Kids_ and she does a decent job. I was surprised."

"Was that the movie with the Shark Boy or whatever? This kid Alice used to watch loved that stupid movie. She absolutely hates it." Edward shook his head, "She even had Shark Boy nightmares!"

"Nah, same director, different tweeny bopper. I think Sharky's in some lame movie about vampires in love or whatever? Anyway, you and I are watching _Repo_! when we reach the hotel. But for now, listen!"

Faintly, a song began to play, and Edward listened, although he was distracted by a young woman across the aisle, who was staring at them in fascination before he met her gaze. Quickly, she looked away, obviously embarrassed, but then looked back, sheepish.

"Is something wrong?" Edward asked, as a male ominous voice sang about hearts being ripped from chests.

The woman flushed red, her hands fidgeting in her lap, "I'm so sorry, but I just... Well, I hope you don't mind me asking, but are you guys from a magazine?"

Bella laughed, "What? Like famous people?"

"No, I mean... You guys sound like you talk about music for work. Do you work for _Rolling Stone_ or something?"

Edward laughed, shaking his head, "No, we just have very passionate opinions about the subject."

"Music is my oxygen," Bella chimed in. "Although if you ever meet someone from that rag, tell them that they sold out in 1999 and I haven't read their sad shell of a once glorious tome since."

The woman laughed nervously, "Um, okay. Sorry to bother you guys."

Edward nudged Bella, "What did poor _RS_ ever do to you?"

"Ugh! Don't even get me started on this piece of shit article I dug up a few years ago when obsessing over old Tori Amos interviews! Assholes! Total fan disrespect. Tori makes it a point to weird them out now if she has to talk to them out of spite." Bella's fingers again drummed on the arm rest, "Fuck, I'm tense."

"Anything I can do?"

Bella sighed, "The one thing that might help just wouldn't work on a plane full of gawking people."

"You mean, you are not a believer in the wonders of the Mile High Club? I hear it's how the Scientologists can have homoerotic relations that don't count."

Bella giggled, "Like it's really possible to bone on a plane! Such a myth, or the stuff of private jets, not these boring machines."

Lowering his voice, Edward leaned closer, "Wear a skirt on the flight home and I'll demonstrate."

Bella bit her lip, looking into his eyes with curiousity, "Oh really? Is that a promise?"

"Barring security issues, hell yes!"

Bella's hand found his, clutching it tightly, "Thank you. For everything. For this. It means the world to me."

"You're the world to me, Bella. It's the least I could do for you."

The rest of the flight passed in comfortable silence, Bella drifting off to sleep against Edward while he flipped through various e-books on her hard drive. A wander down memory lane with Dante's _Inferno_ kept him distracted until the pilot announced that it was time to buckle up and stow the electronics, and he nudged Bella back awake, laughing as she mumbled something about boysenberry pie. Their bags retrieved, Edward picked up their rental car from the outlet at the airport and drove them into Phoenix, navigating the directions he'd printed out that thankfully brought them to the Hyatt Regency with minimal pain.

It was dinner hour, given the flight and time shift, and being as neither of them were morning people, exhaustion was hitting fast. Edward suggested grabbing dinner in the restaurant downstairs, but after realizing that neither of them desired to dress for the occasion, they settled on overpriced Angus burgers from room service, which were at least tasty. They tossed their bags in a corner, Bella retrieving their toiletries alone before flopping on the king size bed on her stomach, her jeans discarded on the floor.

"Where do you want to start tomorrow?" Edward asked gently.

Bella sighed, "It probably seems the best way to give myself an aneurysm, or a mental breakdown, but I... I want to go see her first. Because what if I can't do it the first try? If I leave it to the last day, and we never go, this will be a big fucking waste and I'll still feel like..."

"Like you haven't made your peace?"

Bella nodded furiously, "Yeah, exactly. I want to show you my house, too... And maybe my school. There's also this really small bookstore where the owners were always so nice to me, so maybe we can go there, too?"

"Wherever you want to go, we'll go. This trip is about what you need, Bella. I'm here to make it happen."

"This is so hard," Bella sighed. "Everything hurts, like this great big foot is stepping on my chest, crushing my lungs. It's so hard to breathe, to think of her and how she... How they took her away."

Edward settled in beside her, pulling her back against his chest, "Focus on something happy tonight. Tell me something about her."

"Like what?"

"A memory from when you were younger. Something that really stands out for you," Edward suggested.

Bella remained silent for a minute, her limbs twitching absently, before she suddenly began to laugh, shaking her head. "I have no idea why this is coming to me now, but I remember when I was eight, I had like, no friends. Back then, I actually cared about being popular and being like the other girls. So I'm sitting alone at lunch one day, and this really popular girl, Cara, is going on and on about being a Girl Scout and how she sold a gazillion cookies and everyone's fawning over her, like she just brought peace to Cuba." Bella paused, shaking her head, "This is so embarrassing!"

"Go on!" Edward urged. "I sense a highly entertaining story."

Bella growled, "You can never, ever tell Alice or anyone about this, alright?"

"Fine. I won't tell."

"No, really! Fucking swear, Cullen!"

"Jesus, Bitchella! Is thisa fucking crime you're confessing? I swear on your pretty head. Now, _spill_!"

Bella grimaced, "So, in my infinite eight year-old wisdom, I decided I could have friends if I became a Girl Scout, too."

"Really?"

"Shut up! Yes, I actually went to my mother and told her I wanted to be a Girl Scout. She knew I would hate it, and spent a week trying to talk me out of it, but I was adamant. I was downright furious that she wouldn't let me be like the cool kids, you see. Renee finally relents, and she drives me to where I'm supposed to pick up my uniform, and I suddenly start bawling, begging her not to make me be a scout. 'But you want this!' she says, obviously thinking her kid is nuts. 'But what if I look ugly in the uniform?' I ask. 'What if I suck at tying knots or stopping forest fires or whatever you do as a scout?' My mom laughs, goes into the office and buys us a few boxes of their damn cookies, and takes me home, no protest, no 'I told you so'. We watched this old Shelley Long movie, _Troop Beverley Hills_, about scouts, and it was awesome. Years later, I discovered that one of the kids in it is the wickedly talented singer of Rilo Kiley, Jenny Lewis, and I am amused."

Bella laughed, shaking her head, "Renee, my mom, she could solve anything with baking and movies. She was my best friend here, really. She always said I was sort of an old soul. I was reading the classics in grade 2 and moved on to Orwell in fourth grade. But that was fine by me, you know?"

"Your mom sounds like a very loving mother. And very chill," Edward noted.

"She really was. She'd love you, you know."

Edward was surprised by this, "How do you know that?"

Bella rolled over, her nose pressed to his, "Because she always said that real love, good love, was when a person could see you at your absolute worst, and still know that there was no one else in the world who could compare. And you've seen me at my worst and you find me beautiful, anyway."

Edward smiled softly, "That's because you are beautiful. Everything about you is just... right. Even when it's wrong, it's right. I knew it in the bar."

"Oh God!" Bella blushed. "I was such a bitch at first."

"And I was a prick, and yet, you found that sexy. We're so dysfunctional it swings all the way back to functional."

"You had me the moment you spoke up, you know... Right then, I knew... I just knew that I had to follow you... I couldn't explain it..."

Edward's lips met hers, briefly, his heart pounding at her earnest declaration, "I'm so glad you followed me, Bella Swan. And I'm really glad Ronan bought us drinks and made us talk."

"Not so sure he's glad about it," Bella teased.

"I'm pretty sure he enjoyed knocking me on my ass a few months back. And that never would have happened if we hadn't hooked up, so there's his silver lining!" Edward yawned, blinking hard, "Fuck, I'm tired."

"Me, too. Bedtime?"

"Sounds perfect."

Half-dressed in the day's clothing, they absently crawled under the blankets, flipping the TV to a South Park rerun before passing out in a tangled heap of limbs. Just before sleep crashed over his weary body, Edward stared at the woman draped over his torso, smiling to himself as he mumbled into her hair.

"Wanna marry you...my Bella..."

* * *

_You have NO idea how nice it is to take an angst break and let these two have a happy moment or few! Especially since next chapter brings Bella to the cemetery and... well... remember chapter 10 and 11? Yeah._

_**Nov 2010: This story is up for 3(!) Rare Gem Awards, in the Rare Gems division: Best Angst, Best Lemon, and Most Original Storyline. You can vote once daily til December 1st, and there are some really great nominees among the categories, some which never pop up in awards (self included!). Go vote and ensure this awards program thrives and rewards those authors who usually fly below the awards radar!**_

**tiny[dot]cc/p43ww**

**TWITTER PEEPS**: Tweet a link and spread the story around, including an 'at' reference to my account (casket4myfanfic) and I will reward you with an early Christmas gift!**  
**


	36. Chapter 36

_AN: _

_I made a decision for your guys... It was either wait for an incredibly long chapter in January or split Phoenix into three chapters and deliver this before the holidays. I chose to bring a gift. Hopefully, it was worth the wait.  
_

_I don't control this ship; Doucheward and Bitchella do. I also don't own Twilight._

_Playlist for this chapter:_

_Change - Blind Melon *quoted*  
Wayne - Chantal Kreviazuk  
Surrounded - Chantal Kreviazuk  
Good Mother - Jann Arden  
Brave - Idina Menzel *quoted*  
If You Were Here - Poe *quoted*  
Hello - Poe *quoted*  
_

_Tissue warning in effect for this one, guys_... _This one's dedicated to my grandfather's memory, and to the memory of NL_. **_I also strongly recommend cueing this video up when Bella sings: www[dot]youtube[dot]com/watch?v=luiRqbZ7t8U_**

**Playlist! casket4mytears[dot]wordpress[dot]com/2010/05/11/tattoos-like-mile-markers-breaking-down-the-playlist/**

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

_February 27th, 2010  
Phoenix, Arizona_

She was already wide awake when Edward opened his weary eyes, jet lag still tugging him deep into the soft pillows of the bed. Her hair was damp and tangled, her fingers tapping furiously at the keys of her laptop as she bit her lip. Her entire body, cross-legged upon the end of the bed, was taut, her nerves strained to their limit. Without speaking, his hand reached to graze her arm lightly in reassurance. She startled briefly then sighed, her coiled frame relaxing slightly.

"Couldn't sleep?"

"Not long enough," Bella mumbled, iTunes springing open on her screen. "Been up since five."

Edward glanced at the bedside table, his heart heavy as his eyes connected with the alarm clock display. 8:07. Bella had been alone, fretting for hours. Pulling himself to sitting, he wrapped himself around her from behind, resting his head upon hers.

"You should have woken me, Bella," Edward gently chided her.

"Why?"

"To support you, of course," Edward replied, his fingers toying with the strands of auburn kissing her right cheek.

A soft acoustic guitar drifted from the tiny speakers on her lap as Bella shook her head slightly, leaning against him, "Edward, you can't be here for me twenty-four hours a day. I can be awake by myself for a while. "

"But today-"

"Is a shitty day?" Bella finished. "Of course it is. And I would have woken you if it was... bad. But Edward, you have to understand something, if we're going to work for the long run."

"What's that?" Edward's throat was cotton, old fears of losing this woman who had given him strength, brought him reasons to believe in himself, clawing their way to the surface.

Bella gently sat the laptop beside her, spinning around to face him, her knees tucked to her side. With a nervous smile, she reached for his cheek, tracing his jawline with a strange reverence. She'd wandered away; he recognized that look. Once, he would have panicked, would have shaken her and asked what was wrong, but he had learned in recent months that it was the way Bella now collected words to express her emotions. For her, it was taxing to string syllable and simile into a semblance of the world raging within her skull. His patience was rewarded in a minute as she met his eyes dead on, her hand falling to his knee.

"I'm never going to be normal," she said quietly. "You understand that it's different for us, right? That bipolar is this nasty bitch that chains herself to the cerebellum like an activist to a door and hangs on until the bitter end?"

Edward nodded sadly. Andy and Michelle had both taken a turn at defining her disorder, the gravity of Bella's illness a point they were compelled to hammer home. While she might be able to leave medication behind many years down the line, she would always struggle with stability, with the highs and lows. Her strong genetic inheritance would make sure of it.

"Baby, I will have insomnia. I will struggle to sleep, especially at times like this. You can't coddle me. I don't _want_ you to coddle me."

"I'm not coddling-"

"Doucheward, you don't see it like that, and I fucking love you for it, but it's a well-meant coddling," Bella interjected. "I have to believe that someday, I can at least keep myself in good check in most circumstances. My control over the number of bottles in my purse is gone; let me have this."

Edward kissed her, cradling her face in his hands. She was so damn smart, far more insightful than he. Without the chaos of her mind reeling, without the frantic pendulum keeping time, Bella was astute in her conception of her illness and her weaknesses. Edward still found himself being tapped by his family and his love, ignorant to a bad day in progress until someone flashed a neon sign for him.

"But if you do need me, you'll ask, right?" It was more of a demand than a question.

"Of course. 'Bella, you're not Supergirl, so stop trying to be everything to everyone while holding a train full of passengers over your head', blah blah blah." They laughed at her imitation of her therapist, Bella leaning against his chest with a contented sigh. "I love you."

"I love you too, sweetheart. Want me to get in gear?"

"Yeah. Before I lose what little nerve I've cobbled together."

With another kiss, Edward stretched and made his way towards the bathroom. Although she edged the volume up, through the music, he heard a soft sob, a shuffling of sheets. _Give her a moment to be in it_, he ordered himself. _She needs to cry_. It was easier said than done, his steps hesitant and hands shaky as he made his way to the shower and flipped the water on. Bella suffering in any way made his chest ache.

He'd only just dampened his hair under the pulsing stream when her tiny feet padded across the tile outside the curtain, her breaths shallow as he heard her hop onto the counter. Forcing himself to remain calm, to be her rock, he called out to her.

"You okay, babe?"

"Sing for me?" Her voice was frail, child-like. "Please?"

"Any requests?"

A sniffle, then a soft reply, "Anything. Just sing."

Debating briefly, Edward shampooed his hair, tossing aside all criticism of his vocal talents as he sang to her, pouring his love into each note, each nuance. _Anything for her. I will never deny her again_.

"_I don't feel the sun's comin' out today  
It's stayin'in; it's gonna find another way  
As I sit here in this misery, I don`t ever think, oh,  
I'll see the sun from here  
And oh, as I fade away  
They'll all look at me and say  
They'll say, 'Hey, look at him; I'll never live that way'  
But that's okay - they're just afraid to change_..."

Bella hummed along softly, her toes tapping against the cool floor as Edward scrubbed away restless sleep and jet sweat. His fingers tapped the shower wall in rhythm, keeping time in his skull, as he sang on, his senses honed on the delicate woman beyond the white plastic drape.

_"When you feel that life ain't worth livin'  
You`ve got to stand up and take a look around  
And then look way up to the sky..."_

Edward flipped the water off, not losing the melody, pulling the curtain open to find Bella singing along softly, formerly concealed beneath the water's din.  
_  
"And when your deepest thoughts are broken  
Keep on dreamin' boy, 'cause when you stop dreaming, it's time to die._"

Edward paused, accepting the towel Bella handed him. Her cheeks were flushed, eyes red, but that tentative smile was back as she hid behind her hair.

"Thank you," she murmured.

"Always, Bella."

With a nervous look, Bella rose to her feet, shuffling between them, "I should practice... I don't want to forget the words later."

Edward nodded, stepping aside as she padded away, her shoulder s looser, head a little higher. _This is going to be a good thing for her... _He had no doubt that she would crash hard, as he'd crashed with Alice, but her spirit was stronger than she ever understood it to be. She was a survivor, a Phoenix in the city of the same moniker, burning ever brighter since _that day_, where he'd held her cold flesh against his, believing her another casualty of his personal war.

_She'll soar above this_, he affirmed as he stepped out into the corridor, Bella's voice a whispering tendril grazing his ears. _My Bella can do this._

* * *

It was a sixteen minute drive, if travelling directly from the Hyatt to Resthaven Park Cemetery, but their trip was nonlinear. A pivotal stop needed to be made en route, carrying them further north to a music store where Edward had prearranged the rental of an acoustic guitar for Bella's needs. Originally, they'd planned to bring hers on the plane, but after reading countless horror stories of broken instruments and other disasters, Edward refused to let Bella chance losing one of Ronan's first – and most meaningful – gifts. The store owner had been very gracious, the guitar requiring minimal tuning upon their arrival. With a Visa deposit for collateral, they headed south, the two of them sipping at their coffees as they wove through the mid-morning traffic . Bella had commandeered the radio and was drumming her fingers absently to the hard rock station she'd found.

Edward didn't dare break the silence; he knew that he had taken several hours to collect himself for his own pilgrimage, and Alice had thankfully allowed him space for that. This was Bella's time, made even worse in his mind by the circumstances she'd endured. Although he'd missed her last breath, Esme's death was anything but sudden; he'd spent hours talking with her, crying beside her, struggling to say all he ever longed for his mother to know. It was his choice, his fear, that kept him from visiting her headstone sooner. Bella, on the other hand, lost her mother in sudden, violent fashion, only to be uprooted by her father almost immediately after they'd lowered her into the earth. There was an urgency to this moment, the hands of time lodged in sticky molasses memories and 'might've beens'.

"That's the turn," Bella whispered, distracted by the guitar in the rear view.

Edward nodded, signalling and turning onto the small road carrying them into Resthaven Park proper. The colour fled his face, his anxiety churning wildly in his chest, but he quickly chastised himself, remembering Bella's grateful smile on Christmas Day, when she'd received his gift. _Bella needs this. She needs you_. The anxiety stammered and shuddered, subsiding a little, and his grip upon the steering wheel loosened, knuckles no longer bone white.

He pulled into the parking lot near the small building where those cremated were interred, feeling it better to walk to the actual spot. The fresh air, he reasoned, would do both of them good. Knocking back the rest of her coffee, Bella's fingers gripped her arms tightly – too tightly.

"Baby, your hands," Edward said softly.

Glancing down, she cursed, releasing her flesh and instinctively reaching for his hand. "I'm so fucking scared."

"What's the scariest part?"

Bella swallowed hard, her eyes meeting her feet. "The thought I might panic, like... lose it... But I don't take..."

"You don't have the Ativan," Edward inferred, "So there's no quick fix."

"Yeah..." Bella growled low, tapping her foot against the car floor. "You won't... If I get too..."

"I'll take care of you," Edward vowed. "You're safe."

Silence, palpable pressure on his sternum. _Breathe._ Bella's eyes pressed shut, her head leaning into the passenger seat, her chest heaving as a single tear made its haphazard descent along the porcelain of her cheek. She mumbled to herself, foreign prayers to a personal god, and threw open her door in a wild motion. She stumbled out into the cool air, her back slamming into the side of the car as she kicked her door shut, as if to say, _No, you can't turn back_. Edward slowly made his exit, locking his door and coming around the car from the rear, each step fraught with terror that he'd trigger some mental landmine, shrapnel flying and ricocheting in Bella's skull, obliterating all that she'd worked so long to rebuild.

"It was so cold... It was raining..." Bella mumbled to herself, eyes shut tight, cancelling out the overcast day.

"Talk to me, Bella," Edward whispered, edging closer.

"It just... It came back so fast and I can't... I can't breathe," Bella sobbed loudly, her knees wavering. "The f-footage... in th-the st-station... F-flowers on her g-g-grave..."

"Let me hold you up," Edward suggested, afraid to touch her in this state without her seeing his hands approach.

"_Please_," she whispered, and he pulled her close, her tears dampening his hoodie as he stroked her hair lovingly. "Ed-Edward, I... _I want her back_."

"I want her back, too," Edward murmured. "You never should have had to... She should still be with you. I am so sorry, Bella, so fucking sorry that life is a bastard and cruel and takes everything _good_ so readily..."

Bella's chest heaved, her sobs louder, fingers tangling in his clothing as she pressed closer to him. "Sh-she would have g-given the m-m-money..."

"I know, baby," Edward agreed, holding her tighter. "Can you make it to her?"

"I... It feels so _far_, even though it's c-closer than ever..."

Edward nodded knowingly; every step in Forks had been a mile, each blind shuffle forward at Alice's urging a twisted knife in his wilted heart.

"I can carry you," Edward suggested, "If you can't-"

"N-no," Bella replied quickly. "I h-have to do this... She d-deserves this." Pushing back from Edward, she shook herself, smoothed her rumpled clothing, then forced a half-smile. "I'm sorry."

"You love your mother; that's nothing to be sorry over," Edward assured her. "Want me to carry the guitar?"

"Yeah..." Bella held up her right hand, which shook violently, "I might cost you the deposit."

"It's just money," Edward shrugged, reaching into the backseat and pulling the black hardcase from the seat. "Which way?"

He knew which way, roughly, having studied plot maps with the unlikely help of Charlie Swan, but he wasn't certain. That had been a very awkward and strange day: two men who had made a begrudging peace, peering at the tiny writing and outlines, struggling to find lot 1083. Brevity was Chief Swan's forte, but even for him, their sporadic exchanges were unusually minimalistic. And yet, Bella's father seemed to be relenting in his desire for bloody revenge upon the one who'd broken his baby girl's heart. Edward figured by the time she was thirty, he might even smile on a regular basis in greeting.

Either that, or he'd smile while driving him out the door with a shotgun to his back. It was tough to tell.

Bella's voice jostled Edward from his meandering musings, "I know it was that way," she said, gesturing to the northernmost corner. "It was far in. I remember that my feet hurt, from the service, and then... well... This."

His fingers slipped between hers, jigsaw perfection, "You lead the way. This is all you."

Bella's face was ashen, the foreboding grey of the sky lending a sicklier pallor to her anguished features. Wordlessly, she led them up a small hill, arcing around an elaborate tomb and meandering past old, scarcely legible stones firmly placed atop the earth. The grass was scorched, more of a muddy green than the crisp emeralds of Forks in summer. Even in winter, Phoenix burned brighter than the Olympic Peninsula ever dreamed it could. The weight of the guitar wore his arm down, his body still weary from the previous day's cramped and taxing travel.

"Renee used to come here, when I was little," Bella suddenly announced, her eyes glazed over, "She used to do rubbings of the older stones, the ones that were hard to see..." She halted sharply, diverting to the east, eyes scanning the ground. "There was one... Yeah. Here."

Bella knelt beside a flat stone with an ornate raised image of a shepherd leading a flock to the left of the name, _Martha Elaine Beaird_. Edward noted, with a deep sense of injustice, the dates of birth and of passing.

"She was only two months old," he said, his voice hoarse.

"I know medicine wasn't as advanced in 1951, but it still... This one used to make me so fucking sad. Two months... And how were those months spent? Was Martha ever happy? At peace? Was it a sudden death, or did she suffer her entire short life with some illness no one could spare her from?" Bella shook her head, running her fingers along the etched letters. "And who remembers her? Do any of her kin know?"

He lowered himself beside her, pushing back windswept tendrils from her eyes, "You're such a beautiful person, Bella."

"What?"

"You care so much about a stranger, this little lost child... You have so much heart, so much love." Edward smiled gently. "I have this... this _wall_ inside of my chest that works to keep the world and its emotions, its worries, out of me. Because it's so weak. Because love _hurts_." His voice faltered and he paused, swallowing hard. "But you just... you love. Music, friends-"

"You. God, I love you," Bella whispered.

"I know. I love you, too."

"I'm delaying this," Bella confessed, her hand tangling near her scalp and tugging in frustration.

"There's no rush. If it takes us all day to make it there, well, that's what it takes." Edward tousled her hair playfully, attempting to lighten her mood. Her slight grin was reward enough.

"Onward?"

"Aye, Captain!"

Bella spun, hands on her hips as she feigned an angry look, "That's _Chief Swan, _sir.`

Edward groaned, "Okay, I think that's even worse than calling me 'daddy' in bed ever would be."

"Yeah, I think I threw up a little. My apologies, Cullen."

Bella rose slowly, picking her way through the graves, her eyes drawn to the cluster of trees near the wrought iron fence in the east. So many images, faded still frames, were flooding her now: trips to the cemetery, camera and art supplies in tow; peanut butter and honey sandwiches at the ball diamond near their house (Renee had a disturbing fetish for young baseball players); Mexican nights (the only food Renee could cook without burning down the house, inexplicably)... Her chest felt bound, suffocating within a cocoon of sorrow, but she forced herself to breathe, to press her ribcage outward against the unbearable weight. Edward held her hand, squeezing it lightly now and again, as if to remind her that the cloying scent of rain and blood was in the past, that there were no TV monitors, no procession of cars with tiny flags inserted in the front hood, whipping in the harsh winter winds. And she was doing alright, in spite of the tears that threatened to spill, holding it together as she took it one foot before the other, a steady march over grass and gravel-

Then it all went to hell as the grave loomed into view.

It happened in an instant that lasted hours: she was standing, then not. The rain pounded, yet she was impossibly dry within the eye of the storm. Voices whispered, ghosts of her past, all of them struggling to overwhelm Edward's frantic pleas to speak, to answer him. They were alone and also privy to a large gathering shrouded in black and dotting the sky with umbrellas, as a young woman with damp brown hair sobbed into the suit jacket of her stranger-father.

"Bella! What can i do?"

_Nothing_. But the words wouldn't form. Someone hummed Amazing Grace, and Bella's world reeled. Gunshot. A woman falls. _The blood_. Bella blinked hard, begging for her heart to stop rattling the bars of its prison, demanding it obey and serve within her chest.

"Mom..."

Her knees were damp, her arms wrapped around her waist, holding herself together on the outside in hopes the inside would follow. She breathed, breathed as Edward instructed through the murky din, in through the nose and out the mouth, one and two and three and four.

"_Bella, don't give up_..."

Warmth. Safety. Her mother's voice.

"Help me..."

"Bella, I'm here," Edward whispered, his tears striking her arm as he clung to her crumpled heap of limbs and loss.

"_Count to three, and get up, baby..._"

It was what she'd said that awful day when she was eight, when she'd fallen off a swing, trying to be brave like the bigger children and dismount by jumping. She was humiliated, their laughter razor-sharp. She didn't want to be picked up; it would be even worse. And her mother had known just what to do.

"One... two... up..."

Bella's palms pressed to the earth, shoving herself onto her jelly legs, and Edward quickly moved to assist her. She leaned against him, understanding better than her eight year-old self that help wasn't weakness; asking for it was just as strong as self-sufficiency, perhaps stronger in some ways. Brushing aside her tears, her chest heaved. _I have to do this. Fucking hell, just breathe and walk, Bella! Breathe and walk_.

"Are you alright?"

Bella sighed, her voice cracking, "Too much... all at once..."

_I can't do this walk_, Bella thought frantically. _How the hell am I going to do this? I don't know how long I can hold this together_. And then, it seemed so clear, so obvious, how she would reach her mother.

"Run," Bella murmured.

"What?"

"I have to run."

Casting all caution aside, ignoring the flickering memories slicing through her field of sight, Bella burst into a spring, dodging a bench, a trashcan and several graves, counting the steps to keep herself from the truth of her destination. She heard Edward behind her, easily keeping pace as she wove three rows up, then swung hard to her right, her destination a delicate stone cross between two cactus plants. _Lara chose those_, Bella recalled briefly, then counted anew. _Can`t dwell or you`ll freeze, thirty-eight, thirty-nine, five more over, forty-three_... With a stumble, Bella gasped, staggering and falling to her knees, cursing the thud and dull ache that followed. Her clumsiness had struck again – or perhaps dumb luck.

She'd fallen down beside her mother's plot.

"Bella!" Edward gasped, setting the guitar beside her, "Does it hurt?"

"No..."

He clued in then, his eyes fixed, as hers were, upon the inscription. "Renee Dwyer..."

"She changed her name back... You know, when we left."

Her fingers stretched tentatively, as if the stone would strike back, longing to connect with... what? Bella didn't know.

"Cactuses?"

Bella smiled weakly, "Yeah... That's her friend's... thing. Florist in Tucson."

Soft fingertips grazed the etched text, tracing the name of her best friend in the world, before... before she was taken. _I'm so sorry, Mom. I'm so sorry_... In the periphery of her vision, she noticed Edward was pale, his fists curled tight, and her heart ached for him. _Of course. Cemeteries. Why did I drag him here_?

"If... if you need to go-"

"No," Edward insisted. "It's just... I can't fix this for you, and I've seen too many names I know on these things..."

Bella leaned against his shoulder, nodding, "Thank you. For coming here." The tears fell anew, her eyes blinking wildly to flush them away.

"I'm going to give you private time," Edward said softly.

"What? No, stay."

"Bella, you and your mom-"

"I want you to hear everything, Edward, if you can stay. Please?"

With a light kiss on her forehead, he nodded, but shuffled backwards a few feet, settling nearby. With shaky hands, she fumbled in her pocket, tugging a folded sheet of paper free. As she unfolded it, the paper rustling loudly, Bella began to speak, her voice tremulous.

"Hi, Mom... That's Edward. He... Well, he's everything." Bella paused, gathering her thoughts, "Mom, I'm sorry... Fuck, I am so sorry I had PMS and I wouldn't go with you. I am so sorry the last thing I said to you was 'whatever, see you', because... Mommy, you were the best. You were always nice, and you never treated me like I was stupid." Bella gasped, choking on a sob. "And I love you so much. It hurts to b-breathe sometimes... And I'm sorry I tried to... You would never want me to give up life...Fuck..." Bella glanced at the page in her hand, the words blurring, "I wrote th-this... a few months ago..."

Her eyes closed, and she saw her mother's quirky smile, her sundress, their old kitchen filled with the smell of cookies Bella would bake them. _Go on_, her mother seemed to say.

"_Edward..._" Bella heard his surprise, and was grateful he didn't interrupt; he knew pieces of the goodbye she'd penned in October, but this was a part she'd kept for herself – until now. "_I can't do this anymore. I know you understand me when I say that, because you and I wander the same dark roads in our hearts. The sun shines, but it's always raining for us, always cold. I think of my mom, and I know I've let her down. She lived – she really lived, each and every day. I tried, you know, for her, but in the end, I'm always back to where I started: some sort of gun in my mouth, like when I first moved here. Because I wish it was me. Not mom. Me. She lived her life; I just waste mine. I don't know what to do with this time, with the hours. I used to know with her. I thought I might know someday, with you. But without you, time is just a plastic hand spinning around in a circle. It's pointless. Repetitive. Greyscale. And life should be technicolour._"

Folding the paper up gingerly, Bella bit her lip, "You were the colours, Mom. You were the entire spectrum. And all I ever did was absorb it, a black hole, a void. But you meant for me to reflect them, to be pure, to be a new light... I'm so sorry I failed you... But I promise to try harder, okay? I promise... "

Her eyes darted to Edward's, his brilliant greens clouded and moist, his face pained. She'd let him down, too, instead of fighting for him, fighting to life whether with or without him. Their fingers interlaced as she mouthed his name wordlessly, and he leaned in, pulling her to him, as if afraid she'd disappear. His heart skipped and pounded beneath her cheek, and she turned to kiss it through the cotton of his clothing, hoping to heal it.

"Guitar?" she asked nervously.

She settled into a cross-legged position, Edward popping open the case and gingerly handing over the instrument. Bella strummed a few times, checking chords, her mind wildly darting between lyrics and long-forgotten moments of childhood invading her head. Her hands still shook and she balanced the guitar carefully on her knee.

"Um... So, Mom, she was a huge fan of theatre," Bella said to Edward, "And she was such a Sixties child... So she loved _Hair_, and she loved watching Woodstock footage. But she also loved _Rent_, because she understood that... friendship over hardship. She always cried when we saw it." Bella chuckled to herself, "We drove around a lot to see it. This song..." Bella paused, her attention returning to the stone marker, "Mom, Idina Menzel made a new album, and I know... You'd love it. You _always_ loved her. And this song... I always think of you, so... She uses piano, but I flunked those lessons, so guitar will have to do."

With an encouraging smile from Edward, Bella cleared her head, closed her eyes, and began to play for the woman who'd given her music, and with it, strength and survival. The woman who'd taught her to breathe melody. A woman who was always brave, even staring down the barrel of a gun.

"_I don't know just where I'm going  
And tomorrow is just a little overwhelming  
And the air is cold, and I'm not the same anymore  
I've been running in your direction  
For too long now, lost my own reflection  
And I can't look down, if you're not there to catch me when I fall_

_If this is the moment I stand here on my own  
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home  
I might be afraid, but it's my turn to be brave  
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye  
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life  
I can't be afraid, 'cause it's my turn to be brave_

_All along, all I ever wanted was to be the light  
When your life was daunting  
But I can't see mine when I feel as though you're pushing me away  
Well, who's to blame? Are we making the right choices?  
'Cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices  
As we close the door, even though we are so desperate to stay_

_ If this is the moment I stand here on my own  
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home  
I might be afraid, but it's my turn to be brave  
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye  
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life  
I can't be afraid, 'cause it's my turn to be brave..."_

Her voice wavered then, her fingers fumbling notes as she reached the part of the song that could have been ripped from her diary, salt on every proverbial wound. Edward's hand grazed her shoulder and she stifled a sob, sucking a deep breath and moving forward. _Brave. Be brave_.

_"And I might still cry, and I might still bleed  
These thorns in my side, this heart on my sleeve  
And lightning may strike this ground at my feet  
And I might still crash, but I still believe_

_This is the moment I stand here all alone  
With everything I have inside, everything I own  
I might be afraid, but it's my turn to be brave  
If this is the last time before we say goodbye  
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life  
I can't be afraid. It's my turn to be brave..._"

Fumbling, Bella gave the guitar to Edward, spent as she collapsed onto the cool earth, sobbing into the grass. _I want my mom back; I want her back now! I miss you every second, and I wish I knew you loved me still, that you forgave me every stupid fucked up thing I've done since you left, that you were okay_... Edward rubbed her back, whispering that she had done well, that her mother was proud, that she _was_ brave... Her chest ached as she convulsed, weeping, releasing years of regret and longing in a stream of incoherent pleas to an unforgiving universe that wasn't listening. Rolling onto her side, Bella struggled to soothe herself, her face pressed against Edward's denim-clad thigh.

"Bella," Edward whispered, "Bella, look up."

She found his face through the rivulets coursing her features, only to watch him shake his head and jerk it upwards. _Sun_... The murky grey still consumed the Phoenix skies – except the cluster of clouds directly overhead, which were backlit in a gentle glow. _No... Okay, I don't believe in... What the...?_

"Impossible..."

"I thought it was impossible to be loved, but you proved me wrong," Edward mused aloud. "I don't know what's impossible anymore."

Light licked the edges of the clouds, their shape resembling a sofa in Bella's exhausted mind, then receded, leaving only the gloom that graced the city even as she watched the sunrise hours before. _Mom_? Shaking her head, feeling foolish, Bella's ragged breathing settled into a more natural rhythm as she crawled into Edward's lap, staring up into the sky, mesmerized by each nuance, each gradient of dismal colour somehow warmer, less foreboding. In her head, one of her favourite CDs sprung to mind, its closing message in a little girl's voice reverberating in her skull: "_It's okay; you can go now_..."

"I'm ready," Bella said softly.

"Are you sure?" Edward asked, stroking her hair. "We can stay all day..."

Bella smiled, "I know. But... I feel like I said goodbye now. Like she knows everything... Is that crazy?"

Edward shook his head, packing the guitar into its case, "Not at all."

"Oh, shit! I almost forgot..."

Bella reached into the pocket of her jacket, Bella tugged Ronan's gifted camera free of its confines. Pressing the power switch, Bella edged backwards slowly, remember the lessons of her mother, the little tricks 'to fake being pro', as Renee would say. Satisfied with the framing of the shot, Bella snapped a photograph, capturing the cactus on either side. Fumbling with the modes and switches, she took another, a close-up of the text. Morbid, but necessary: the scrapbook she and Alice were to make would be incomplete without it, in her eyes. Renee had an entire album of cemeteries; it was fitting to Bella that her own resting place be caught on digital film.

Pressing her fingers to her lips, Bella reached down to touch the stone one last time, "'Bye, Mom... I'll visit again, someday."

Edward rose slowly, securing the guitar in its case and pulling Bella to her feet, "Yes, we will. Whenever you want."

They retraced their steps slowly, the urgency and anxiety fading away into a comfortable sadness and reflection. Their hands swung lightly as they walked, neither speaking aloud, but exchanging thoughts all the same. Bella's head felt clearer, her footing sure, her future crystallizing. She would get better, and maybe go back to school, if she could settle on a major. She would laugh, as often as possible. And she would love, fiercely and fearlessly, and make sure everyone knew their worth to her – starting with Charlie. She was a shitty daughter, and he really didn't deserve her temper and distance, not when he was such a pillar of strength in her life.

Bella's gaze caught a familiar spot and she tugged Edward along, bringing them once more to the sad little grave of Martha Beaird. "Goodbye, little one," Bella said. "I hope you're not alone, wherever you are."

A song for everything, as Edward would say: in her mind, lyrics sprung forth and she dedicated them silently to her mother, to Edward's, to Liz and Rachel, and to Martha: '_No one should brave the Underworld alone_.'

"Where to next?" Edward asked, reaching for the keys in his pocket.

As weary as she felt, as spent as she was, returning to the hotel seemed wrong, a betrayal of her mother's spirit. No, she needed to stay outside, and soak up as much of her old home as possible. Bella thought for a long moment, then nodded to herself. _Yin and yang. Balance_. It was obvious where she ought to be.

"Get in; I'll drive."

* * *

_I need a hug... Enjoy your holidays, whatever you celebrate, and take care of yourselves, alrighty? And please, show me some review love for this one, because it took a lot out of me. _

**TWITTER PEEPS**: _Tweet a link and spread the story around, including an 'at' reference to my account (casket4myfanfic) and I will reward you with an early Christmas gift!__ I doled out the last gift recently and people were pleased... I'm just sayin' *wink*_

_Also, fact: Martha Beaird is indeed buried in Resthaven Park Cemetery, and did die at the age of two months in 1951. You can find her via find a grave and Google.  
_


	37. Chapter 37

_AN: _

_It's been a lot longer than intended, guys. My apologies for that, but life decided to be a bastard. Between multiple family birthdays, own included, a family crisis, applying to go back to school and upgrade my degree and health issues, I just couldn't sit down and do this emotionally chaotic chapter._

_It is nice and long, though, so enjoy it, alrighty?_

_**Key notes: In this chapter, there are some German words you may or may not get by inference etc. Here's your quick guide:**_

_Mein schönes Mädchen= My beautiful young girl_  
_ Ja=Yes _  
_ der Junge= the young man_  
_ Fraulein= unmarried woman _  
_ Schnell-Quickly! Fast!_  
_ Jawohl=Yes, indeed! (emphatic)_  
_ Schwarzwalder Kirschtorte=Black Forest Cake (ZOMG epic win)_  
_ mein Zuckerpuppchen=My sugardoll_  
_ Deine Mutti=Your Mom_  
_ Verdammt richtig=Damn right!_  
_ meine Süsse=My sweetheart_  
_ Können Sie mich helfen=Can you help me?_  
_ Bitte=Please_

_**You can google up Bella's neighbourhood via Google maps; look for West Polk and 13th street near University Park.**_

_I own my own wild ideas and two different versions of Donnie Darko; Meyer owns Twilight, and would probably be appalled at what I do with her characters. Whoops!_

_**Playlist for the chapter:**_

_Dancing - Elisa_  
_ Goodbye - Patty Griffin_  
_ Useless Desires - Patty Griffin *quoted*_  
_ 5 1/2 Minute Hallway - Poe *cue when they go upstairs*_  
_ Ghost - Howie Day_  
_ It Can't Rain All The Time - Jane Siberry_  
_ You Found Me - The Fray_  
_Castle On A Cloud - Les Miserables_

**Playlist! casket4mytears[dot]wordpress[dot]com/2010/05/11/tattoos-like-mile-markers-breaking-down-the-playlist/**

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

_February 27, 2010  
Phoenix, Arizona_

It was instinctual, even after a few years and far too much alcohol; Bella marvelled at her inner radar kicking in the moment she ignited the engine of the rental car. Edward didn't question her as to their destination, instead settling into the passenger seat and flipping through the radio stations in search of something appealing. After several minutes of irritated surfing, Bella chuckled and dug into her purse, withdrawing her iPod and its adapter and plopping them unceremoniously in his lap.

"Bitchella to the rescue!"

"You know it, babe. Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a major label purchase of airtime..."

"And with more taste that the entire staff of Rolling Stone, combined?" Edward mused, scrolling through her library.

"Absofuckinglutely," Bella replied. "Pick something, already."

"I _have_ picked something, Impatient Pants. It's just a matter of hitting it on this monster list of – Finally!"

Bella drummed her fingers on the steering wheel as the speakers flooded with an older Arcade Fire track, one ridiculously well suited for driving slightly above the limit down a major thoroughfare. Edward never disappointed with his taste in music; it was one of the things about him that made her understand that, unlike anyone she'd dated previously – Jake included – Edward was the sort of guy who could be that mystical 'One' that Cosmo babbled about incessantly. Never one previously to subscribe to romance, Bella had changed her tune early in their relationship, singing its archaic praises. This entire trip was evidence of how well he understood her, how much he genuinely cared for her happiness. Only days before he'd handed her the envelope with the e-tickets printed out, a post-it attached explaining the purpose of the trip, she'd told Michelle how much it hurt her not to be able to visit her mother's grave at will. But Edward had known from weeks into their relationship, according to Alice; he'd planned it for months! Bella struggled to come up with a gesture of the same magnitude, but drew a blank, her heart and head heavy with memories of another time. Instead, her hand reached out to cover his, thumb stroking along the warm skin. He sighed in that contented way that made her grin, and her eyes returned to the road, watching for her turn.

"Up ahead, on the right, is my middle school," Bella commented absently.

Edward chuckled, "Troop Bella School?"

"Shut up!"

Edward laughed, his hand reaching out to brush her hair back, "Come on; if I can't tell anyone, I have to be able to make private reference to the subject."

"I suppose," Bella muttered, feigning indignation. "And there's my diner, where many an afternoon was spent cramming for tests with Katie."

"Who's Katie?"

"One of my best friends here. I've lost touch with her recently, with all of the... well, bipolarity. I really owe her an email. She goes to NYU now." Bella frowned, guilt flooding her as she recalled how close they'd been throughout the years. _She deserves better than me bailing out on her like I have. She was like the big sister I always wanted_.

"I'll remind you when we get home to give her a shout," Edward offered, flipping through the iPod and settling on Smashing Pumpkins this time. "You know this area well." It was a leading statement, an indirect question as to where they were headed.

"I ought to," Bella replied, turning onto West Polk, headed east. "This is where I grew up."

Edward's eyes roamed both sides of the street, taking in the modest houses and lowrise buildings, the park to their left, where an older couple walked hand in hand. For a brief moment, Bella's mind wandered to a future where she and Edward were that couple, bickering about music. Her heart skipped happily as she shook it off, looking ahead to their next stop.

There was a blue minivan in the driveway, and the garage was painted a fresh white, but little else had changed. Bella parallel parked along the curb, her throat dry as she realized that she hadn't thought this out properly. She had no rights here, no guarantees. And she couldn't bear the thought of ringing a doorbell and facing rejection; no, her anxiety, her fears of imposition were kicking into gear, leaving her breathless.

"Bella? You okay?"

She shook her head, "This was a bad idea. I can't intrude on-"

"This was your home?" he asked gently.

She nodded, her eyes glued to the front picture window, where gauzy white drapes obscured any occupants within. _Well, it's not like you could have called ahead_, she told herself, willing her pulse to steady. _Michelle would think this was perfectly normal. And even standing outside here is better than... not being here, right_?

"You're afraid to ask to go inside," Edward ascertained, his arm wrapping around her shoulder and pulling her to him. "Did you want me to ask?"

"No," Bella whispered. "No, I don't want to be a bother."

"I'm sure any decent person would understand, but we're doing things your way. Maybe we can walk around the block, at least?"

Bella smiled, swallowing hard, "You're perfect, you know."

Edward kissed her cheek, "No, I'm not. I should have looked into this back in Forks. Come on; the fresh air will do you good, either way."

Bella hesitated, the sound of Edward's door closing jarring her from her whirling thoughts. Stumbling out onto the grass, Bella shut the door gently, her gaze seeking Edward's face for reassurance. _He won't let anything happen. He'll protect you_. He met her on the driver's side, embracing her tightly, smoothing her windswept hair as she struggled not to cry anew. This was her childhood home, her safe haven. Seeing it _claimed_ by another family only hammered home the permanence of her mother's passing, and all that was lost in a split second of fear and panic, metal and mangled tissue. Consumed with grief, she was oblivious to the voice calling to her until Edward tapped her shoulder, pulling back to reveal a familiar face.

"Heidi?"

The elderly woman beamed, her white-blonde hair styled in its usual salute to Jackie Kennedy, "Little Bella Swan! Mein schönes Mädchen! It's been so long!"

"I know. I've been living with my dad near Seattle," Bella replied, struggling not to tear up.

"And who is this strapping lad?" Heidi asked, winking. "He's bewitched you, hasn't he?"

"Just like Demetri did to you," Bella giggled. "Heidi, this is Edward Cullen, my boyfriend. Edward, this is Heidi Szakac. She lives across the street, and is the best chosen Nana a girl could ask for."

Edward reached for her hand, winking sneakily at Bella as he bowed and kissed the elderly woman's hand, "Charmed, Frau Szakac."

Heidi gasped, clapping her hands, "Oh, I like this one! You hang onto der Junge, ja?"

"That's my plan," Bella said, flushing crimson, much to Edward and Heidi's amusement. "Where is Demetri?"

"He's off visiting our Felix in Berlin. Just split up from his wife, so he's off to give him the man talking. Did you meet Ellie yet? She's a lovely Fraulein."

Bella tilted her head, confused, "I'm sorry; who's Ellie?"

The sound of a door opening drew Bella's attention, and she looked away in time to see a curvy, youthful blonde wander out of her old home, her hair pulled into a messy bun atop her head. Her t-shirt and jeans were dusted in white powder, and she smiled immediately upon noticing Heidi.

"I thought I heard chatter outside! Who are your friends, Heidi?"

Heidi waved to the approaching woman, "Ellie! I want you to meet someone very special. Come, come! Schnell!"

_Ellie_, Bella understood. _The woman who lives in our old house_.

"Ja, ja," Ellie joked, winking. "Hi, I'm Ellie Newcastle." She stretched out her hand, which Edward accepted quickly, to spare a stunned Bella from embarrassment.

"Edward Cullen," he said, "And this is my girlfriend, Bella Swan."

Ellie's eyes immediately widened, her expression a mix of sadness and surprise, as she turned to Heidi, "Your extra granddaughter that you speak of?"

Heidi nodded vigorously, "Jawohl. Mutti and she lived here for so long. Little Bella always falling down, scraping her knees. We fixed it all with a little homemade Schwarzwalder Kirschtorte, eh, Bella?"

Bella blushed, nervously nodding. _Oh God, she knows? Oh, she'll feel guilty! I don't want her to feel obligated for anything..._

_"Schwarz-_what?" Edward asked.

"Black Forest Cake," Ellie explained. "You know, with the cherry layers and whipped cream and chocolate cake? And, if made by Heidi, a healthy dose of booze."

Heidi winked, "I just follow the recipe! Now, Bella, I'm so glad to see you, mein Zuckerpuppchen. I didn't have your address for a birthday card or notes."

"I'm sorry," Bella replied earnestly. "We kind of left in a hurry-"

"Ja, Herr Swan took flight quickly. Deine Mutti is missed, dear one. She was the daughter the Lord never gave me."

Heidi's genuine sadness struck Bella, her anxiety giving way to a desire to seek comfort. Wordlessly, she embraced the elderly woman, revelling in the familiar scent of chocolate and faint floral perfume. Heidi hugged her tightly, whispering in German; it was soothing, even if Bella didn't understand a single word of it.

"We came back to do a little visiting," Edward offered up. "I knew she didn't get to take her time and say goodbye to Phoenix."

"That's very sweet of you," Ellie commented. "I visit Anchorage every year, Easter weekend. My parents were taken in a car crash four years ago. I was pregnant with Josh at the time, and it was so hard, knowing they wouldn't see him..." Her voice trailed off as Bella looked to her moist eyes, a knowing glance exchanged. "It helps, to visit. It's a good thing."

"It is..." Bella found she was unable to articulate herself, her tongue tangling around the tumultuous emotions flooding her senses. Too many shades of sadness and regret... There simply weren't enough words.

"Heidi's come to help me with my baking; Josh's preschool asks parents to take turns baking treats for the kids for snacktime. I'm trying to whip up cupcakes without burning down the kitchen. Did you two want to come in for tea, or to, you know...?"

Bella's jaw dropped, "I... I mean, I don't want to-"

"Come inside," Ellie repeated, smiling softly. "Heidi and I insist."

With a nervous smile and a nod, Bella assented, allowing Edward to lead her up the short flight of steps to the front door. The scuffed paint on the frame remained from the time she and Renee had attempted to juggle a large sofa into the house by themselves to save delivery charges. Somehow, this little black blemish pleased her; it proudly declared that she and her mother 'were here', a symbolic scrawling on a stall wall. The foyer was mostly unchanged from Bella's memory, save a small set of hooks at child height near the door – _for Josh_, Bella assumed.

"The place is a bit of a disaster – most of it courtesy of Josh – but you're welcome to look around," Ellie offered warmly.

"Thank you," Edward answered. "It's kind of you to allow us into your home."

"I'd hope for the same courtesy, if our roles were reversed," Ellie replied, "and it was my son needing closure. Heidi, this icing I've started is looking more like glue. Save me!"

The women puttered down the hallway, Ellie muttering about sugar and colouring, leaving Bella and Edward on the precipice of a living room strewn with toys. Ellie's taste in decor was more subdued than Renee's 'Ikea and a flea market in a blender' approach to furnishings, but the couches and tables looked worn and welcoming – it was no 'designer house'. The practicality of it, and the numerous pictures adorning shelves and the wall, made Bella feel a little more at ease. This was a home of family and love, something she related to.

"Renee... her furniture was... crazy." Bella chuckled. "I remember this one couch she brought home from some estate sale, and it was this bright turquoise shade, with overly rounded ends, like a 1900s psychiatrist couch. But she'd bought it because it was so summery. Come winter, she hated it. It clashed with the Christmas decorations."

Edward laughed, "Why do I sense that happening to Jasper someday, as Alice strolls in the door?"

"Renee and Alice would have gotten along so well. My mom was the opposite of me in shopping; she would try any style, wear any colour if the mood struck her. But unlike your sister, who I love dearly, my mom never tried to dress me up in her image. She just wanted me to be happy. Safe in my own skin. And I was..."

Bella wandered back into the hallway, moving towards the ornate staircase. Sparks of memory flooded her senses, leaving her somewhat breathless: the shrink couch; the time Bella had knocked over a crystal vase days after Renee brought it home, slicing open the bottoms of her feet without noticing in her haste to clean it up; her mother's habit of leaving her coat strewn on the stairs, often tripping Bella. The stairwell of her home was where Renee had filled the walls with photos of Bella, recent pictures near the ground level, ascending to childhood images by the second floor. _"It's like watching you grow up all over again_," Renee had said. At the time, it seemed overly sentimental; now, Bella saw only her mother's endless love for her daughter, and how she forever seemed to be trying to make amends for splitting up the family.

Reaching the upstairs, Bella shook her head, smiling, "My mom busted me during my first real kiss here. I swore she was downstairs, but no."

"Who was he?" Edward asked playfully.

Bella flushed crimson, "She."

"_She_?" Edward gasped. "Swan, you've been holding out on my spank bank."

"Like you need one, with all of our recreational time!" Bella fired back, slapping him. "And it was just a one-time deal. Girls practicing for boys. Thankfully, I was able to convince Renee of it before she marched off to gleefully join PFLAG – she had no qualms whatsoever during the ten minutes she thought I was a lesbian. Katie, mercifully, explained the reasons and ended the discussion."

"Ah, this Katie friend surfaces again. I need to meet her," Edward mused, winking.

"Katie was nervous because this guy she liked, he was in high school. This was grade 7 for her, 6 for me. She'd never kissed before, and didn't want him to know. It just seemed logical to practice, and I, being terrified of my own future kisses, agreed. The bathroom was more pastel blue when we lived here," Bella added as she flipped a light switch, eagerly looking to change subjects.

"How was it?"

With a roll of her eyes, Bella turned on the faucet, flicking water at Edward's face. "Cool off, Cullen; I don't kiss and tell."

"So it was good, huh?" Edward grinned, dodging Bella's swinging fist. "Which room was yours?"

"End of the hall on the left."

There were twenty-seven steps to her former bedroom – Bella had counted them once, while horrifically drunk during a sleepover with Katie – twenty-seven steps that now felt like miles. It was beginning to sink in, with each changed item of decor, that her mother existed only in photographs and a small plot in a cemetery. Her chest ached, a gaping hole opening wide anew, seeking sustenance it would never have again. Stepping into her former room, a tear slid down her cheek, as lonely as she'd felt the last time she'd stood here, scrambling to pack her belongings for her waiting father, measuring out what mattered and what could remain. Edward's arms wrapped around her from behind and she sighed in relief, allowing herself to lean into his sturdy warmth.

"Guest room," Edward murmured.

"Definitely not Josh's room," Bella whispered.

"Paint me a picture. What did it look like when you were here?"

Bella closed her eyes, forcing the images to return, mentally rearranging furniture and adjusting the colour palate. "I had a canopy bed, light blue fabric. Renee had never replaced it and I honestly didn't mind since cash was always a bit tight. The comforter was baby blue, which kinda sucked, but it matched." Opening her eyes, she pointed to the corner by the window, "I had my computer desk there – this crazy looking white one from Ikea, with weird ergonomics. Renee loved Ikea. And my quote collage was on the wall beside the window."

"Quote collage?"

"A bulletin board, really," Bella explained. "When I was like twelve, I used to write down my favourite quotes from books and song lyrics in those gel pens on coloured paper, and tack them up. It was full by the time I was 14. I secretly invented Tumblr," Bella joked, laughing quietly. "Even though I stopped adding to it, I left it on the wall. It's in my dad's basement in a storage bin."

"I'd love to see it when we get home," Edward commented, kissing the top of her head. "Where was your music?"

"That wall, although I didn't have much in physical format. I took to iTunes and Limewire pretty young."

"My Bella, the pirate?"

"Indeed! But why is all the rum gone?" Bella quipped. "Did you want to see mom's room? The other one, Renee used it for her office slash random storage of old craft supplies."

"If you're up for it," Edward said softly.

Bella nodded to herself, taking a deep breath, "I have to or I'll kick myself."

"We wouldn't want that; you might fall down the stairs."

Bella groaned, secretly grateful for Edward's ability to continually steer the conversation to lighter topics, happier moments and mental Polaroids. It made the sinking sand in her gut just a little easier to bear, made her footsteps (forty-seven to her mother's door, also counted during her teens) a little bit bolder. The door was half-closed and Bella hesitated, not wanting to intrude too much upon Ellie's incredible generosity. Edward assured her that Ellie would have accompanied them if she'd desired censorship; satisfied with this, Bella counted to three and pushed it open.

The antique dresser and night tables immediately conjured up her mother's taste in estate sale raids, a sucker punch as Bella swore that the dresser was the precise one Renee had owned. The layout of the room was eerily similar, although, aside from the half-made bed, it was far tidier than the 'just survived a hurricane' look of her mother's room.

"_Organized chaos, Bella! I know exactly where everything is. If I clean it, I'll lose it_," Renee would explain, laughing heartily.

"You okay?" Edward asked.

"Yeah," Bella answered, distracted by the fluttering of the curtains to her left. "It's just... Ghosts..."

The fluttering subsided, the gauzy material coming to rest on the plain white blinds, and Bella edged forward, fixed upon the dresser. If it were... There was a mark, a significant gouge from the time Bella had dropped a hammer. The claw had struck the side, marking it, and although they'd stained and sanded it somewhat, there remained an oblong groove. Renee had named it Stella, much to Bella's horror at her mother's corny sense of humour. Was Stella there?

"Bella?"

"One sec. I have to..."

She kneeled near the farthest corner, afraid to see, her fingers running along the side of the oak, seeking tangible evidence. Eyes could deceive. Eyes could be blinded. Touch was far more reliable. With baited breath, she crept ever closer to where it ought to be –

Nothing.

Her eyes had deceived her after all, even daring to irrationally suggest that her mother's dresser was somehow still here, right where she'd left it that December afternoon. With a sad whimper, Bella leaned back on her legs, bowing her head. Tangles of auburn obscured her pained expression as Edward joined her, his arm wrapping around her shoulders protectively.

"What can I do, Bella?"

She shook her head slightly. There was nothing anyone could do. She'd known it since she'd gotten the call from the hospital. She knew it now. Nothing would ever completely repair the damage two assholes with guns had done to her. She could only carry on, stitch it up, move forward. It just hurt way too fucking much sometimes, and now, her wild hope dashed, she'd hit one of those times.

"She lives inside you," Edward whispered. "In your compassion and humour. In your love of musicals. Nothing can take that piece of her away from you."

"I know," Bella whispered. "I just wish... I didn't have time to think over... What to take – I didn't have time..."

"I'm sorry, Bella. I wish I could turn back time, give you that chance. Try and go to a good memory again, like last night... A time when you felt loved by her."

Bella paused, swiping away the stray tears that had broken free of her shackles of will. Struggling to her feet, she rushed towards the window, craving the sun, and also, needing to see... Surely, with Josh here... And it was there. Bella smiled, turning to Edward.

"I'll show you instead."

It was as if Ellie had read her mind. The moment they'd entered the kitchen, a tornado of flour and sugar smeared with stray egg yolk, she'd smiled and nodded, telling her to look out for stray toys. The rear door still squeaked in protest at every motion, a soothing sound as Bella stepped out onto the grass, beelining for her favourite refuge: the swing.

"Demetri put it up for me when I was eight," Bella began, picking her path to avoid the random Matchbox vehicles, "Spent all day nitpicking the exact lengths of the ropes, endless testing of the seat height... I think Heidi wanted to kill him." Bella paused, facing Edward. "Even when I was sixteen, she'd still be out here with me, still pushing me, and we'd just talk, you know? Politics, music, gossip... it was our time. It was our way of hitting pause, I guess. Sometimes, she'd turn the stereo up in the kitchen and sing along."

"Alice always wanted a swing, but none of the trees were right for it, according to Dad," Edward mused. "She'd be very jealous to hear of this."

Bella snapped a photo with the camera that was thankfully still in her pocket. She didn't feel right snapping photos of Ellie's home, but this swing – it belonged to Bella. It would always be hers.

"Get on," Edward urged.

"I'm in my twenties," Bella protested weakly, her heart pulling her closer to the simple platform seat.

"Who cares?" Edward took her hand, pulling her to the swing and blocking her path. "I'll push, if you sing."

"I'm not singing," Bella insisted, grimacing.

"Yet. Get on, Bitchella, before I make you."

With feigned reluctance, Bella hopped onto the seat, chuckling at how much her legs now dragged on the ground. _I'm still short, but not THAT short_. Flushing slightly at how ridiculous she felt she looked to Ellie and Heidi, she glanced up and sighed in relief that whatever baking debacle was underway had their undivided attention. Edward seized the ropes from behind her, Bella gasping in surprise as he drew her back and let her go, her legs instinctively pumping in rhythm with his gentle nudges into the sky.

"Any requests, you demanding jackass?" Bella snarked.

"The entirety of _Rent_?" Edward teased.

"Blow me, Cullen. Serious suggestions, here."

"I am being serious; I would love to hear you juggle the entire musical!"

Bella growled in frustration, "You are insufferable! No singing for you!"

"C'mon, you _know_ who I am," Edward soothed, "Pick something that reminds you of here."

Bella's hands clutched the ropes a bit tighter, her swing propelling her rather high now, enough to steal peeks into what was her mother's bedroom on the forward momentum. Mentally, she searched through her iTunes, discarding artist after artist until one jumped out at her. With a little smile at Edward, who'd moved to her left, avoiding taking a swing to the jaw, she cleared her throat.

"Prepare to be schooled on one of the songwriting legends of our time," Bella quipped, then closed her eyes, hearing the familiar melody in her head.

"_Say goodbye to the old street that never cared much for you, anyway  
The different-coloured doorways you thought would let you in one day  
Goodbye to the old bus stop, frozen and waiting  
The weekend edition has this town way overrated_

You walk across a baseball field  
The grass has turned to straw  
A flock of birds tries to fly away from where you are  
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend  
I can't make you stay  
I can't spend another ten years wishing you would, anyway

How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire  
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires

Every day I take a bitter pill that gets me on my way  
For the little aches and pains, the ones I have from day to day  
To help me think a little less about the things I miss  
To help me not to wonder how I ended up like this

I walk down to the railroad track and ride a rusty train  
With a million other faces I shoot through the city veins  
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend  
You wanted to be free  
Somewhere beyond the bitter end is where I want to be

How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire  
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires

Say goodbye to the old building that never tried to know your name  
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend  
You won't be seeing me again  
Goodbye to all the windowpanes shining in the sun, like diamonds on a winter day  
Goodbye, goodbye to everyone

How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire  
Burns the last of the day down  
And I'm the last one hangin' around  
Waiting on a train track, and the train never comes back  
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires."

The swing had slowed to a gentle sway, Bella distracted by memories of singing with her mother, tipsy on cheap white wine on long summer nights. Her eyes fluttered open and met Edward's, widening as he brushed aside an errant tear from his eye.

"Beautiful," he declared softly. "Who sings it?"

"Patty Griffin. One of mom's favourites," Bella added in explanation. "She has so many albums, but that song seemed... right?"

"I concur," Edward said, smiling proudly. "Need another push?"

Bella shook her head, "I think Ellie's been gracious enough. I'm ready." With a giggle, she jumped from the still-moving swing, congratulating herself internally for landing the dismount after years of not practicing. "I have to thank them both, and give Heidi my address and number. I've missed her more than I realized."

Edward took her hand, the arms swinging back and forth, child-like as they meandered through the field of toy landmines, Edward holding the door open for Bella as they stepped back into the kitchen. Ellie was sliding a tray of cupcakes into the oven while Heidi iced a cooled batch on the centre island.

"Concluding our tour, the kitchen," Bella commented lightly, earning a chuckle from Edward. "The place where I spent far more time than Renee – _except_ Mexican nights. For some reason, my mother had their cuisine basics down."

Heidi laughed heartily, "Always a fresh fire extinguisher here, ja?"

Bella rolled her eyes, "It's not even funny. We kept several contained of baking soda around as well; she was that cursed in the culinary arts."

"No wonder the oven seemed so brand new, in spite of the model!" Ellie exclaimed, shutting the door. "The stove seemed used, but the oven, not so much."

"Other than a few casseroles and holiday baking, it remained very dormant when we were here," Bella replied, smiling. "Looks like Heidi has saved the day again."

Ellie nodded, shooting a grateful look to the elderly woman across the kitchen, "Heidi is _always_ saving me with baking. I'm hopeless at it. Dinners, soups, no problem. I can't even bake Betty Crocker properly."

"That makes two of us," Edward interjected, earning a chuckle from the women.

"Ellie, thank you for allowing us to wander around today. It means so much to me, you know, to have a last look around. I left in a rush..."

Ellie nodded, smiling warmly, "You are very welcome. If you make it back here in the future, swing by – metaphorically or physically," she added, jerking her head towards the backyard. "Family of Heidi's is family of mine."

"Do you have a paper and pen? I need to make sure my Chosen Nana has my information, or she's apt to beat me with a rolling pin," Bella joked.

"Verdammt richtig!" Heidi exclaimed, abandoning her decorating. "We will stay in touch, meine Süsse."

"Definitely, Nana," Bella promised, falling into her warm embrace. _Chocolate and floral scents... There's got to be some way to make it into an incense_, she thought to herself, inhaling deep.

Edward handed Heidi a slip of paper, and Bella shot him a grateful smile as he tugged at her hoodie, "A photo?" he suggested.

"Oh God, of course! Why didn't I think of it? Heidi, you mind?"

Heidi laughed, wagging a finger admonishingly, "Do not be silly Sally, Bella! Ellie! Können Sie mich helfen? Help, bitte?"

Bella handed the camera to Ellie, somewhat confused until Heidi seized Edward's arm, yanking him to the other side of her. _Ah – she wants him in the picture!_ Bella laughed at Edward's stunned look; Heidi was deceptive in appearance. She'd told Bella many times of her physical strength, and Bella was used to her spunk. Ellie snapped two shots of the threesome, before Bella insisted on just her and 'Nana'. Two more snaps later, Bella checked the images on the digital display and nodded in satisfaction.

"I promise to call soon, and you have my number too. It was so good to see you again, Nana Heidi."

Heidi beamed, "You've grown up much, Bella. You keep in touch."

With a final goodbye to Ellie and one last hug from Heidi (_Incense! There must be something like that smell!_), the two of them made their way down the hallway, out the front door and back into the warm sun. Bella felt lighter, somehow; it was as if she'd been carrying her unfulfilled desires upon her back, Atlas-like, only to shrug them off in the home of her youth. Edward noticed the change, obviously; his smile was one of accomplishment, as if he'd known that she'd find exactly this element of peace.

_I want him to be my Demetri_, Bella thought to herself. _I can't imagine life without him now_.

"Where to next?" Edward asked.

"I'm pretty drained," Bella admitted, "But I'm hungry as hell. Maybe we could hit the diner down the way, swing into my favourite bookstore and then back to the Hyatt?"

"It's your weekend, love. Drive us anywhere you want to go."

Bella hit the unlock button on the keyring and pulled open the driver's side door before a noise startled her. Turning around, she saw Ellie jogging down the front steps and across the lawn, a small box in her hands. Puzzled, Bella edged forward, the car door remaining ajar.

"Ellie? What's wrong?"

"I'm a scatterbrain!" Ellie exclaimed, gasping slightly for air as she caught up to them. "This box, Bella – it's a few random items left in the house when I moved in. Thought you might want them. I've had them in the basement for years, forgot all about them."

Bella's eyes widened. "Things... Like belongings?"

Ellie nodded, handing the box to Edward, who balanced it while Ellie untucked the corners. "Nothing super expensive, but maybe..."

Bella's eyes scanned the contents quickly, biting her lip to stave off yet another crying episode. She mentally noted to ask Michelle if her pills were making her ridiculously hormonal, or if it was just Bella coming back from a mental wasteland.

"No, these... This is amazing. Thank you, so much."

"I'm just glad I remembered before you left. Well, back to the assembly line. It was nice meeting you two. Enjoy the rest of your time in Phoenix."

Bella nodded, her hands seizing the box from Edward. Tucking herself into the driver's seat, she shut the door, balancing her treasures on the steering wheel as Edward joined her.

"What's in the box?" he asked.

"Gwyneth Paltrow's head," Bella quipped.

"Oh thank God for that!" Edward replied, laughing. "Seriously, what's inside?"

Bella smiled, "It's all small things, really. Happy Meal toys my mom used to have on the kitchen window ledge, a blown glass vase she was given by an artist friend as a baby shower gift..." Bella handed the vase to Edward, clearing her line of sight. "No... I thought this was sold..."

Bella shakily withdrew a small, ornate rendering of a carousel horse, its golden pole and oak base dusty. Turning the switch, the car was flooded with a familiar melody, strong and vibrant. Edward watched as the horse spun, Bella humming along with the notes for a moment before returning from her reverie.

"Castle On A Cloud, _Les Miserables_. My mom found this at this weird shop when we went to Mission Beach. On days she was working or away, I used to sneak into her room whenever I felt shitty and turn it on. This... I would have packed this, if I'd thought of it."

"We'll need to get it a nice display," Edward insisted. "It's as if Ellie knew-"

"She's a mom," Bella blurted out. "An object like this, it's usually a child's item... It's not something to leave behind."

The tinkling notes ended and Bella sighed happily, tucking it gently back into the box alongside the vase. _Thank you, Mom. Thank you, for these_. For how else could she explain the way Ellie had forgotten the items, had never noticed them while cleaning out for donations, had remembered in the nick of time? Renee always did things last minute; this was so like her.

"I love you," Edward said, kissing her cheek.

"I love you, too. Take this please?"

Edward nestled the box carefully between his feet and Bella started the ignition, "Food. Now."

"Seconded. Lead on, Macduff."

"It's 'lay on'," Bella replied, giggling to herself as a memory floated into mind. "Remind me to tell Ronan about your slip when we get home."

"Why?"

Bella smiled, "Long story, Cullen. Let's just say things, in many ways, have come full circle on this trip, and it's all thanks to you. I won't ever forget this, Edward."

Edward's hand closed over hers as she shifted into drive, "I won't ever forget all you've done for me, Bella. You know you've saved me in every single way someone can be saved."

Bella blushed, checking her mirrors and pulling into traffic, "As you've saved me. We're even."

"We're Gestalt," Edward replied, "Together, we're more than the sum of our parts."

"How very German of you; Heidi would approve," Bella giggled. "On a serious note, yes, I have to agree: we are Gestalt. You're weird when you try to be romantic."

"Sorry."

"No, that was a compliment," Bella deadpanned.

"See, this is how I know you're perfect: you can instantly reference _Donnie Darko_," Edward answered, grinning.

"Well, to me, you _are_ a superhero with a potty mouth who'd probably flood his school for kicks," Bella teased.

"I'm gonna start calling you Gretchen, then," Edward fired back playfully.

"Alright, _Donnie_."

"Chut up!"

In unison, they quoted the next line: "Go back to China, _bitch_!"

Bella shook her head, "We know that movie far too well."

Edward shrugged, "Better it than _High School Musical_ or some other piece of shit chick flick!"

"Ugh, definitely. If they make one more of those goddamn movies, I am going to cut a bitch. And here we are!" she announced, parking in the small lot by the diner. "Don't tell 'em back home, but this place owns the Forks diner. The pies, the cheese fries, the club sandwich... Gah! Foodgasm!"

"One second," Edward said.

His hands cupped her face, drawing her across the glove box for a passionate yet tender kiss. Her fingers wound through his hair, drawing him even closer, her heart bursting with gratitude and love. She'd survived it: she'd visited her mother and even her old home, without falling to pieces entirely. Without taking a single drink. Without Ativan. And that stability, even as she'd kicked her emotional house of cards – that was Edward, braving the cemetery beside her, taking this journey by her side. As they pulled apart, Bella could see her future unfolding, colours and shapes, images blurred to near obscurity, with but one concrete constant:

Edward was in every single one.

* * *

_**Trivia: Useless Desires and Goodbye by Patty Griffin were both considered for the graveside song, and ultimately rejected for Brave.**_

_**AND Just In Case:**_

_Stella- This refers to the film How Stella Got Her Groove Back (hence why Bella notes her mother being 'corny' about naming the groove in the dresser)_

_PFLAG- A group for the parents and friends of LGBTQ individuals_

_The 'Paltrow' comments refer to the film Seven and I firmly maintain it's her best movie precisely because of the box._

_The end conversation in the car refers repeatedly to dialogue from Donnie Darko; see it, if you somehow haven't. Amazing._

_The 'lay on Macduff comments refer allllll the way back to chapter 3, to the day Bella and Ronan met. Bella fucks up the quote just like Edward does. _

_**ForkedUp will get busy again on Twitter, so add away! Also add me if you haven't - casket4myfanfic. **_

_**Tweet the story and reply me so I see it, or point me to a link where you've shared the story, and you will receive a present! Everyone's getting presents eventually, but I share early with the pimps. Above all else, I want this story to reach people and educate them on mental illness, and spread understanding and empathy**. _


	38. Chapter 38

_AN: _

_This chapter's a little... all over, emotionally. Get the tissues ready in case for the first half, and perhaps a drink to enjoy the second half?_

_I ended up yet again abandoning my outline to a degree, and altered this chapter. I felt we'd spent enough time with Bella in therapy to see her progress, but I wanted to see Andy one more time before we wrap. Michelle is officially done - I miss her already._

_Song quoted in this chapter: (You Gotta) Fight For Your Right - Beastie Boys_

_I own my weird ideas; SM owns Twilight. But you knew that, right?_

**We last left off in February... Let's jump to April...**

**Playlist! casket4mytears[dot]wordpress[dot]com/2010/05/11/tattoos-like-mile-markers-breaking-down-the-playlist/**

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

_April 20th, 2010_

"I don't get this."

Andy leaned forward slightly in his chair, staring at Edward, "What don't you get?"

"Why is Alice here?" Edward asked, gesturing to his sister beside him. "I mean, I know you said you wanted to have a group session, but I thought that would be with, well, Bella."

"Thanks, Eeyore. Feeling the love!" Alice exclaimed sarcastically.

Andy nodded, "Well, absolutely, we need a session with Bella at some point. You've expressed that wish and I plan to make that happen soon. But today isn't about Bella; it's about your family, to a degree, but mostly you. Only Alice can help me with this session. Your sister agreed to come today, not knowing what I had in mind."

"Alice is the best," Edward said softly, glancing over at her. "She's always there for me."

"Of course I am. You're my near-twin," Alice replied, "Even if you drive me up the damn wall sometimes."

"That's exactly why I wanted you here, Alice. You and Edward have always been close, from what he tells me. Closer than either of you are with your brother, Emmett. Why do you think that is, Alice?"

"Edward's not a macho guy," Alice mused aloud. "Emmett's a jock, a man's man outside of the home. He's a dork and a teddy bear, but he's still obsessed with sports and checks out women online. Edward's not like that."

Edward rolled his eyes, "You're calling me a girl, Aly? Really? Thanks, Andy; I'm sure my fragile little ego self, or whatever Jones used to call it, needs to be emasculated."

"Oh get your knickers out of their twist!" Alice groaned. "You jackass, all I mean is, you're much more open with emotions. It's not a man or woman thing; Jasper's the same way. You also tend to look deeper at things, whereas Emmett - let's face it - avoids any difficult thinking. It made it so much easier to talk to you, because you didn't run away from me when I was hyperemotional and crying over boys."

Andy smiled, "Your sister's the smart one in the family, huh?"

"Smart-assed, maybe!" Edward groaned. "Alright, Tink; I get what you mean. So Doctor Andrew, what's the point?"

Andy paused, collecting his thoughts, "Alice is, of all those in your family, the only one who not only experiences the world in a similar fashion to you - emotionally and thoughtfully - but also has suffered similar depths of loss in her life. You both lost your mother and your Nana, with whom you were both very close. Alice also, if I remember right, was close friends with Tanya?"

"Yeah," Alice confirmed, her face falling, "Best of friends."

Andy continued, "Edward, one of our biggest battles here has been your tendency to blame yourself for the deaths you've endured, as if you are cursed, or caused these bad things to happen. Regret is your middle name. But Alice lost the same people, aside from Liz, and she's pretty well adjusted, from what I can see. I wanted Alice to speak of these loved ones, and explain her reactions to their passing, so that perhaps you could begin to see new points of view. Alice, would this be okay with you?"

Alice nodded, "Anything to help Edward understand..."

"Understand what?" Andy prompted.

Alice sighed, biting her lip as she turned towards her brother, "Edward, no one blames you for any of them. No one, except you. But if you're guilty of something, then I must be, too. We did everything together - we _still do_ - so how is it different?"

Edward stammered, "It-It just is. Aly, I..."

"You loved Mom. You loved Nana. You loved Tanya. I loved them, too. I miss them, too! Why is it so different for you? Why can't you see that life just sucks sometimes? Why did you have to try and take _you_ away from me, too? Wasn't losing them bad enough?" Alice's voice rose, indignation creeping in, along with raw hurt, "It's so hard, trying to be her. Trying to take her place so all of you feel better. But I always believed that I had you, so I could do anything. And then you wanted to leave me! And even after I saved you, you ignored me for months!"

"Aly," Edward whispered, "I'm so sorry-"

"You know what today is, don't you?" Alice asked. "What day is it today?"

"The meadow..." Edward sobbed, bowing his head in shame.

Alice's eyes moistened, "You tried to leave us a year ago today. I sat in the ER, my ankle throbbing and bandaged, clinging to Dad and wondering what I'd done to you. Because I didn't understand why losing everyone was a reason to leave me alone. I didn't understand why we weren't sticking together anymore."

Edward shook his head, "I don't know... I think... I thought that if you were close, if you were too near-"

"That I'd die too?" Alice completed the question, her body shaking, "Edward, you are not some poisonous being! If anyone is... maybe it's me."

Edward's head snapped up, his jaw dropping open. "What the fuck? Alice, that's insane! You are the most loving and selfless person in the family. You take care of everyone-"

"And yet, they all die, or try to," Alice murmured. "With the exception of Liz, I've been just as close to every single person whose tragedies you claim responsibility for. Maybe you're just taking the blame for my toxic luck."

Edward's hands seized her shoulders, forcing her to face him dead on, "Tink, stop it. You aren't capable of toxicity. Nana adored you; you were there for her, even more than I was at times. What was she, seventy-three? Old people have strokes. At least you didn't skip visits for stupid drunken party weekends-"

"Old people _do_ have strokes, Edward," Andy interjected quickly. "Your Nana could have had one at any time. If it had been the day after a visit from you, would that make it any better, do you think?"

"I... No, but I..." Edward cursed under his breath, his attention returning to his sister, "Aly, you shouldn't feel bad."

"Why not?" Alice asked, sighing, "You hate yourself for not being there for Mom, but you left just to get food for the house. I was on a _date_! I should have been there for her!" Tears streamed down her cheeks, and she swiped angrily at them, "I never should have left the house."

"God, Tink, you did everything for her! Cooking, cleaning, helping with her baths when the nurse came... You were a saint to her. You needed fresh air before you snapped. The cancer was just..."

Alice threw her arms around him, burying her face in his chest, "I miss Mom... I don't understand why she had to..."

Edward smoothed her hair, holding fast, "I know. I know, and I don't know why."

"Alice," Andy gently spoke, "Was your mother a proud sort of woman?"

"P-proud?" Alice sniffled.

"When she was sick, or injured, was she the kind to ask for help, or was she more likely to fix it up herself and soldier through it?" Andy clarified.

Alice frowned, "It's why the cancer was missed initially; she ignored the early signs. Mom was the kind who didn't like to take Tylenol for a headache. But what does that have to do with anything?"

Edward jumped in before Andy could speak, "Mom waited for us to leave. She wanted to die alone. Is that what you think?"

Andy nodded, "More or less. Some people try very hard to not... pass, when their loved ones are near. You've heard stories, I'm sure, of people holding on just long enough for one last family member to get there, to have their time to say goodbye. They hang on, and when that urgency is gone, their bodies tend to be more willing to shut down. Maybe the two of you leaving the house was a sort of blessing for her. Maybe she didn't want to think of the pain it would cause you to see her in that last moment? Is that possible?"

The siblings remained, silent, contemplating the gravity of Andy's theories as Edward continued to cling to his sister, her face pressed to his chest, blotchy from crying. Edward, in particular, began to understand the hidden purpose of his therapist's decision to invite Alice to their session: he was trying to demonstrate how death simply happened, sometimes. That there was no rhyme or reason to fully explain why and when people left this world. If Alice's self-blame was foolish by Edward's own thinking, what made his own self-blame valid?

"In grief," Andy said, "It's very hard to find anything positive. We've lost people we love, and it's unfair. It's bullshit, we say, that the wicked might live to see their nineties and the kind are taken young. We curse God. We play the 'shoulda/woulda/coulda' game and torture ourselves 'til we're fucking crazy with regret. But sometimes, there are small positives in the sadness. If your mother hated to feel weak or seem like a bother, those last days must have been very hard for her. She would have been hurting for you both, for your brother and your dad. Having the chance to let go and not worry of how that image would haunt you both may have seemed like mercy. I don't know that for sure; I never met her. But the timing is striking to me. Maybe she was grateful."

"You're right," Edward whispered. "It's possible. And the cancer was so painful..."

Alice nodded her agreement, "She told me to go out... I remember now..."

"Me, too," Edward added. "Fuck, Andy? Thank you, for this. I get the point."

Andy smiled warmly, "Hey, I promised the tools. I'm not saying that neither of you will ever have moments of regret or guilt again. But when you do, I want you both to remember this conversation today, and try and argue back with your head. Eventually, it'll be easier to focus on the memories of good events, instead of dwelling on what might have been. You too, Alice," he added, directing his gaze at her. "You try to carry the family on your shoulders, and that's a heavy burden. Don't burn yourself out. "

Alice sat back in her chair, her hand on Edward's arm, as if to steady herself. "Jasper tells me that all of the time. I just worry about them, especially Edward."

"You're a good sister, and I know Edward thinks the world of you. But he has me, he has Bella, and he has the entire family behind him. It's okay to step back and take a breath for yourself."

Edward nodded, "Andy's right, Alice. I can't even begin to tell you how much you've done for me, how much you mean to me. You're my closest friend, and you've saved my ass too many times. And I'm so fucking sorry about last year, putting you through that." He choked back a sob, "I was never mad you saved me. I never hated you. I _can't_ hate you. I just ran because... I let you down. I didn't deserve you as a sister..."

"Edward, you were very sick," Alice whispered soothingly. "You deserved love more than ever before. I'm just so glad you sent me a sign... I don't know what I would have done if..."

Edward nodded, pressing his eyes shut to blink away the tears. _The sign._ _Nirvana. Only Alice would have ever understood something so simple._ His sister tried to embrace him, her tiny arms not quite able to close the circle, but he leaned closer, relieved at having finally made a full apology. He could never undo the tremendous torment she'd experienced, waiting for him to recover from his attempt on his life, but he could make it up to her by continuing to heal, and reminding her every day what an incredible woman she was.

"I think we've cried enough today," Alice joked weakly, earning a soft chuckle from Andy. "Can I take him home and cheer him up now?"

Andy rose slowly, "Yeah, I think we've had a long day. Is there anything else you need, Edward?"

Edward smiled, "Nah, I think we covered it. Next week?"

"Same Bat Time, same Bat Channel," Andy quipped. "Take care, you guys."

Edward helped Alice to her feet, the two of them trading tissues as they struggled to pull themselves together. Alice's hand dug into her purse immediately once she tucked herself into the Jeep's passenger side, flipping open her compact and struggling to conceal her blotchy complexion. Edward remained motionless, staring at the wheel gripped in his hands as he mentally listed off reminders to himself. _Strokes happen unexpectedly. That's not my fault, or Alice's. Cancer sucks, and Mom drove us both away that day. And Tanya... That's not my fault. She didn't crash because she was angry; she was crashed into._ A tapping on his arm brought him back to the present, and he turned to Alice, the picture of impatience.

"Hello? Starving here!"

"Yeah, yeah Tink, we're going."

"You okay? That was a long hour."

Edward nodded slowly, "It was important. Andy's a sneaky bastard, but in the good way. But I definitely need a beer with our dinner."

"Music to my ears! Let's go!"

* * *

The smell of an old tavern was, to Bella, one of the most comforting scents in the world - and unrelated to her previous dependence on alcohol for emotional reasons. The curious blend of smoke, sweat and a hint of blood from bar fights past resonated on some deep level in her psyche. Perhaps it was her secret longing to have lived through the punk era, or some strange Pavlovian response conjured by her days spent on the Rez and in this very bar with Ronan and Emily; Bella couldn't say. But any bar that was the real deal - not the trendy bar-like restaurants springing up in chains - was a place she could breathe easier. The music was usually choice - currently, an old Styx tune was blaring - and the regular patrons added a distinct character. She was immediately reminded of the Winchester Pub in _Shaun of the Dead_, mentally musing that, unlike Liz, she would have never had a problem with chilling nightly with Ed and Shaun, poking fun at 'Snake Hips'.

Bella and Ronan were already on round two, Bella having decided that she needed to immediately unwind after her session with Michelle that day. She'd spent most of it struggling with residual fears of abandonment, irrational and tedious as they were, desperately looking to pinpoint the real source of her insecurity. Michelle wondered if part of it stemmed from her parents' divorce and her subsequently not seeing her father more than once yearly, prior to her mother's death; Bella, however, felt there was some other strange trigger that was constantly leaving her holding her breath, waiting for proverbial shoes to drop. One thing they both agreed on, however, was that Bella needed to keep Edward in the loop, to prevent any misunderstandings on Bella's part of innocent behaviours.

Ronan was examining Bella's sketch pad, pencil in hand, leaving light notes in the margins of her newest project: a tattoo of her own. She had mentioned the possibility of a new mod to Edward, but he'd assumed it would be another piercing, in keeping with her usual poison. Bella grinned, swigging her raspberry Lambic beer; Edward would be so surprised by this design. Given the impending nuptials of Rosalie and Emmett, Bella and Ronan needed to complete the design and the actual ink before the weekend to ensure optimal healing before the big day.

"I love the shading here," Ronan mused, "But I'm not sure this proportion will fit neatly where you want it on your back. Is there any way we could create a more lateral design?"

"Hmm... Maybe if we create a more 'windswept' look to the scene? Create leans and slants?"

Ronan nodded enthusiastically, "That would work! Do you want me to finalize the outline, or would you like to do it?"

Bella smiled, "I trust you, Mick; make it work. We're still good for Friday afternoon?"

"Yeah, I'm all clear. Besides, you're Breaking Dawn staff; demanding time is a perk, you know."

Bella laughed, leaning her head against his arm, "You know I love you, right?"

"Everybody loves me, Swan. I'm the perfect man!"

"Ha, ha; I bet Emily begs to differ! But seriously, Ro: you know I wouldn't be where I am now without you."

Ronan nodded, tousling her hair, "I do know. You're my little twisted sister, and I wouldn't trade you for anything. Even if you do still keep playing that Rihanna shit at work!"

Bella giggled, "I have no idea what you're talking about. Mike likes Rihanna. Angela likes Rihanna. Why am I the automatic culprit, hmm?"

"Because you're a goddamn brat, that's why!" Ronan teased. "Jesus, where are those two? I'm starving!"

Bella shrugged, tucking her sketchbook back into her shoulder bag, "I know Alice said Andy wanted her there today, so it was probably a long one. Maybe we should order appetizers?"

Bella's head turned, seeking out their server among the spattering of tables in Scruffy's Tavern. The place was thrumming with several clusters of people, predominantly older 'blue collar' types straight out of a Springsteen song. _Hmm, I wonder if they choose their music here, or import a satellite station_? Springsteen sounded delicious. A slight gust of air drew Bella's attention, her heart skipping happily as a familiar mess of bronze hair came into view.

"We've been spared the crime of poor etiquette," Bella announced, jerking her head towards their approaching companions.

"Edward! Dude, my insides are eating my insides! Hurry the fuck up!" Ronan shouted across the bar, laughing.

"Stuff it, Mickey!" Edward retorted, shoving Alice playfully as she giggled. "You too, Minnie."

"Do NOT make me bust out my Pixie Punch," Alice warned, skipping over and kissing Bella's cheek. "Jasper will tell you what a mistake that is."

Bella rose, kissing Edward gently and nuzzling against him, "I missed you all day."

"Missed you back. How was your day?"

"Brutal," Bella grumbled. "Yours?"

"Same," Edward concurred, holding Bella's chair out for her. "I so need a drink."

"We're finishing our second round," Bella chirped as Ronan waved over their server. "I needed to decompress in a hurry. We all good with the party platter of nachos?"

With Edward and Alice's assent, Ronan placed their order, adding on another round of beer for himself and Edward. At Alice's insistence, Bella joined her for a round of Cosmos. Alice seemed quieter than usual, which Bella assumed was the result of her participation in Edward's weekly therapy. Even subdued, Alice was still a firecracker, particularly once the alcohol began flowing. She was the first to burst into song as AC/DC came over the speakers, her head swinging wildly in time with the metal beat.

"I had no idea Alice was into this!" Bella exclaimed, staring at Edward. "She's always blasting electronic synth rock."

Alice giggled, flashing the 'horns' made famous by Dio, as Edward answered, "She's my sister, Bella. I raised her properly. We used to listen to classic rock and metal all the time in high school. Right, Tink?"

"Yep! And Edward would sneak me booze. Best brother ever!" Alice knocked back the rest of her drink, diving for the plate of nachos and snagging a cheesy blob of tortilla and jalapenos. "So Bella, I've told you the plan for Rose's party, right?"

"Ohhhh yeah," Bella sighed. "You're going to have to get me shitfaced if you expect me to participate."

"That's why we have a limo: instant designated driver!" Alice crowed. "Did Emmett call you, Ronan?"

Ronan nodded, a finger held up as he finished chewing. "Yeah, he filled me in on both shindigs. Emily's super excited; she loves weddings. I have a feeling by the time the parties merge to Jack and Jill, she'll be demanding her own rock on her finger."

"So marry her, already!" Bella laughed, shaking her head, "You're perfect for each other. And you're definitely not going to find anyone better, you prick."

"It's not that I don't want to stay with her; it's just the fact I've seen some relationships go completely south once the 'W Word' enters the picture. Bridezillas galore! I don't want to ruin something perfect with a piece of paper. The best proof that I want to spend my life with Emily is doing just that," Ronan finished.

Edward nodded, "I get that, and I saw it happen to this guy I went to college with. His fiancée became a complete psychotic after he popped the question. But then again, she showed her true colours: she was a gold digger. We all saw hints of it, aside from him, but once they started planning things, he finally clued into what was always there. Emily loves you, man. She strikes me as an eloping in Vegas girl, if you ask me."

Bella grinned, "That's so her style: impulsive whirlwind. Ronan, why don't you guys take a trip down there and see if you feel inspired?"

Alice squealed, "Ooh! That would be so romantic, Ro. You'd sweep her away for a vacation and propose, then marry immediately! I could help you plan a reception afterwards back here. It's a new trend."

"That sounds incredible," Bella mused. "No massive crowd staring at you as you fuck up your vows, just you and the one you love... and then, a big party. Low key, no pressure."

Ronan's eyes lit up, "I like no pressure. God, do you think Emily would like that? Because it really isn't marrying her that I'm afraid of; it's the fear that she'll morph and I'll lose _my_ Emily."

Alice winked, "Let me play detective, but I'm like, 99% sure that she'd be perfectly pleased. More booze!"

"I take it Alice is crashing on the couch?" Bella joked, her own head fuzzy as she polished off her martini.

"Yup! So keep it down in the bed, kids!" Alice teased. "I so don't wanna hear you two."

"Why not? I had to suffer through you and Jasper moaning and groaning the other week," Edward grumbled. "Turnabout's fair play, Tink."

Alice flushed pink, hushing her brother as their server returned with Ronan and Edward's burgers, "I need another drink."

"Don't we all?" Ronan laughed. "Thank you, Rebecca, for saving me from certain death by starvation. Any way we could trouble you for another round?"

Rebecca laughed, tossing her blonde curls backwards, "For you, Ronan, always! Same drinks all 'round?"

"Switch me to a Long Island Iced Tea?" Bella asked as the others nodded.

"No problem. I'll be right back with your salads, ladies."

Rebecca flirted shamelessly with Ronan, but Emily had granted her carte blanche to do so, for one compelling reason: Rebecca was a lesbian. In fact, she'd dated Emily's friend Angelica several years back, their commaderie likely the only reason she and Ronan weren't banned from Scruffy's. Em and Ronan had sparred at least half a dozen times in the tavern in the last two years, and although they were rowdy as hell, Ronan was quick to pay for any damages and, ultimately, they were extremely good customers who tipped exorbitantly. The owners forgave them quickly.

Edward's hand abandoned her knee, Bella pouting as he made quick work of his cheeseburger. His green eyes flashed an apology, his foot nudging her own sneakered toes gently. Were Alice not present, Bella had half a mind to kick off her shoe and put her unusually dexterous toes to work torturing him beneath the table, but she drew a line at sibling and parental witnesses.

"So, did you decide on that mod you wanted?" Edward asked her, reaching for his beer.

Bella nodded, "It's all set up. Location's chosen, so all I need to do is make the time to get it done."

"And you still won't tell me what it is?"

Bella chuckled, "It's a surprise, Edward. You'll just have to be patient for once in your life."

"Oh my god!" Alice squealed, clapping her hands. "I _love_ this song!" Bouncing in her chair, Alice sang along at the top of her lungs, "_You wake up late for school, man you don't wanna go_!"

A hulking football player sort of male glanced over, pumping his fist and joining Alice in her sing-along, "_You ask your mom 'Please?' but she still says no!_"

Encouraged now, Alice rose to her feet, earning a hoot from the neighbouring table and an eyeroll from Edward, "_You missed two classes and NO HOMEWORK!_"

Bella giggled, watching as things quickly turned into a call and answer between Alice and now Ronan as well, versus the frat boys across the bar. Thankfully, Rebecca and the bartender were laughing themselves silly, not the least bit bothered by the playful yet rowdy behaviour of their patrons. By the time the chorus hit, even Bella slapped Edward, screaming along with Alice and Ronan.

"_You gotta FIGHT! For your RIGHT! To parrrrrrrrrrrrrrrty!_`

"I can't take you guys anywhere!" Edward chastised them, shaking his head in disbelief.

"C'mon Edward, it's the fucking Beastie Boys!" Bella laughed. "Consider it a get well tribute to MCA."

Edward grinned, reaching out to toy with Bella's messy hair, "You're adorable, and yes, that is a damn good reason to salute the Beasties."

The singing carried right through to the end of that song, broke off for a brief respite of eating and drinking as a familiar 90s alt-rock tune blared, only to resume as an old Runaways song slid into the mix. Bella found herself disregarding her usual fears of public attention, her focus on amusing Ronan and Edward as she and Alice played air guitar and danced around the table, the two of them now hopelessly tipsy and fast approaching the exit for Drunktown. The guys encouraged them, the two of them chattering quietly amongst themselves. From the bits and pieces Edward caught, it was more discussion of the elopement suggestion, with Ronan growing happier by the minute.

_Good for him!_ Bella thought excitedly. _They're practically married, anyway_.

"So the Jack and Jill bashes are the last weekend in May, right?" Bella clarified, laughing as Alice swung her around.

"Yep! June 5th's the big day, so they figured a week was a good buffer. Everything's pretty much set, now. The rehearsal dinner's on the 3rd, and Rosalie's last fitting is May 16th."

Bella smiled, reaching for their drinks and passing Alice her Cosmo, "Rosalie's been so tense, lately; I'm glad the worst is over."

"Her mother's the big pain, to be honest," Alice confessed. "Rosalie wants things to be perfect, but she's not anal. Her mother, however, hounds her about everything, so it puts her on edge and soon, she's on the warpath. She's calmed down a lot since Christmas, though."

Bella nodded, "She's a secret sweetheart. I never thought we'd get along, but she's a riot when she goes on a rant."

"That's all you, you know."

Bella shrugged, "I wouldn't say that-"

Alice shook her head, "Bella, she relates to you really well, it seems. The last of her Invisible Bitch Shield dropped away after we almost... well, after October. I'm still not sure why."

"Neither am I," Bella lied.

But Bella knew exactly why Rosalie had softened: after learning of the mess in La Push from Edward, Rosalie had pulled her aside and invited her out for lunch at the diner. Over their meal, Rosalie had told Bella of her ex, and the horrors he'd subjected her to. Bella was well aware that she knew even more than Emmett did - not out of lack of trust, but, as Rose explained, a fear of Emmett going to jail for murder - and she'd vowed to keep that confidence. Alice and Jasper were in the dark, because Rosalie preferred not to dwell on the past and had chosen not to mention it yet. 'Although,' she'd lamented, 'when the baby talk starts, I'll have to explain my likely infertility, if only to drop the subject.' Recently, the three women spent a lot of time together, watching old movies and binging on sugary treats from a specialty shop in Port Angeles, laughing and driving their respective men insane.

"Hey, ladies!" Ronan called out, pointing to a waiting Rebecca, "You want dessert or are we done?"

"I want another drink," Alice pouted.

"We have wine coolers stashed at Edward's," Bella offered.

"Okay, we're done!" Alice chirped.

Ronan settled the tab quickly, running their outing through his Visa, to many protests, and they quickly gathered their belongings, departing to the classic Stealer's Wheel tune, _Stuck In The Middle With You_. Ronan immediately recalled _Reservoir Dogs_, triggering a heated conversation with Alice on the merits and (in her opinion) failings of _Inglourious Basterds_, the two of them speeding ahead along the sidewalk, furiously debating their opposing views. Edward and Bella held back, meandering along hand in hand, Bella frequently gazing up at the stars overhead.

"Been a while since we walked back," she mused.

"Deja vu to last summer?"

Bella grinned, "Kinda. I was mesmerized and terrified, and also just a wee bit drunker."

"We'll fix that at home," Edward replied playfully. "Bella, I wanted to ask you about something, but you have to promise you won't flip out."

"That doesn't sound good..."

Edward halted, turning to face her, "It's nothing bad. I just don't want you to worry about what I will think. I just want honesty. That's the watchword now, right?"

Bella nodded, "Honesty and teamwork. Oh, and sex. I do believe you specified sex."

Edward grinned, tugging her arm and walking slowly, "I was thinking today about how much I miss you when you stay home here and there, since, unlike my Dad, Charlie still isn't down with sleepovers, even the innocent kind."

"Well, he at least removed the chastity belt when I turned eighteen. You can't expect much more from a police chief," Bella joked.

"It's a damn good thing, since I'm totally ass at picking locks. Getting to the point, before we reach the end of the block and must reunite with our noisy companions: Bella, I don't want to spend another night apart from you. It hurts too much. I was thinking, if you want and _only if you want to_, that you could... well..."

"Edward," Bella interrupted, her eyes wide, "Are you asking me to move in?"

Sheepishly, he replied, "Um, yeah. Yeah, I am. We could get a bigger flat, if you wanted. It's close to work and therapy for you, and I know your Dad would be a hard sell-"

"Okay."

Edward froze, "Okay?"

Bella blushed, nodding, "You know I hate to leave. And I love your place. It's always been like home, ever since the first night."

Edward hooted, sending Bella into a giggle fit as he kissed her forehead, "I am, undoubtedly, the happiest man alive!"

"Hey! Hurry up, fuckers!" Ronan called from ahead.

"You heard the man," Edward declared, unceremoniously tossing Bella over his shoulder and jogging forward.

Bella squealed and flailed, "My skirt, asshole! My ass is hanging out!"

"And what a fine ass it is!" Edward whistled, spanking her as Alice laughed so hard she nearly fell down. "Ronan, take the keys from my pocket, will ya?"

"No way! I ain't reaching near your junk, Cullen!"

Alice shook her head, "Men!" She fished her hand into his front pocket, tugging the keys loose and throwing them to Ronan. "I can't operate doors right now. There's three locks."

"And why is Bella being carried like you've clubbed her and brought her back to your cave?" Ronan asked, unlocking the stairwell door.

"Put me down! You can't possibly carry me up these stairs!" Bella pleaded.

"You're a feather pillow, Bella, so shut it!" Edward replied, "And I have my reasons, so just hurry up, already!"

"That drunk, huh?" Ronan teased.

"I AM NOT DRUNK!" Bella wailed. "Edward, let me down!"

"I wanna piggyback!" Alice announced, her voice more child-like than usual as she gripped the handrail as if her life depended on it. "Eeyore, you need less stairs!"

"Carry _her_, Edward!" Bella begged, her fists thumping Edward's back, her face flushed crimson.

"Fine, fine," Edward acquiesced, setting Bella down and bending down, Alice leaping onto his back and gripping his neck for dear life. "Onward and upward, comrades!"

Bella trailed behind them, fully aware that this wasn't over, not by a long shot. Her gut told her exactly why Edward had wanted to carry her upstairs, and sure enough, the moment they reached his door, he plunked his sister down. With a devilish grin, he cornered Bella, scooping her up as she protested in vain. Ronan looked at Edward, then to Bella, and shook his head.

"You two are sickening."

Alice skipped into the apartment first, stumbling into the wall outside the kitchen as she pursued the promised wine coolers. Ronan held the door open, allowing Edward to cart Bella over the threshold, swinging her around before dumping her playfully onto the couch.

"It's not our wedding night!" Bella groaned.

"It's still important. Just shut up and be thankful for a boyfriend who loves you beyond words. Hey, Tink, you alright?"

"Mmmhmm!" Alice staggered into the living room, cradling two coolers to her chest and two more jutting from her purse on her hip. "Yay, alcohol!"

"This is your last, Missy. I'm so not dealing with puke," Edward warned her, cracking open Bella's drink and passing it to her. "And now, let us toast-"

"Are you serious?" Bella gasped. "Edward, really, I'm only moving in-"

"YOU'RE MOVING IN?" Alice squealed. "Oh my GOD! I am so HAPPY!" The tiny woman fell onto the couch beside Bella, hugging her tightly, `That`s the best news ever! I love romance!"

"You love everything and everyone when drinking, Alice," Ronan chuckled.

"Oh shut up, husband to be! And don't deny it; you'll elope before the year's out, mark my words."

Edward nodded, "Dude, don't ever bet against Alice. Sober or drunk, she's never wrong. It's kinda scary."

Ronan frowned, "Fuck... What if she hates whatever ring I buy her?"

"Ooh! I'll help you shop!" Alice shouted. "I love shopping. I wish I had a ring."

Edward and Bella exchanged a glance. Jasper had already clued the family in: he was proposing to Alice the very next weekend. His absence for the night was a carefully concocted cover for him to make the trip to Seattle to pick up the engagement ring.

"To Edward and Bella, then," Ronan said, changing subjects quickly. "Seriously, congrats. I'm glad you two got your heads out of your asses and made it."

"Thanks, Mick," Bella said softly. "No more punching him out, alright?"

"Speaking of, I like the new cabinet better," Ronan replied, gesturing to the sleek new entertainment unit across the room.

"The other one was ugly as hell; you kind of did me a favour there," Edward mused. "The bigger favour was helping me find my way back to Bella. But that said, I may need your muscle soon."

"Why's that?"

Edward swallowed hard, "Two words: Charlie Swan."

The group fell silent, each of them picturing the reaction Bella's father would have to this news. Alice's brow furrowed, as if she were scheming to elicit his approval, while Ronan whistled low, shaking his head.

"Uh, yeah. Good luck with that, man."

"Mick!" Bella admonished. "Don't you dare back down. He's gonna kill me!"

Ronan shrugged, "He might only lock you in your room. Grab some extensions and Rapunzel your way out?"

"Asshole!"

Edward laughed as Bella launched herself at Ronan, sending him flying off his chair, her fists pummelling his chest as he tickled her mercilessly on his living room floor - wait, _their_ living room floor. It struck him then just how far his life had diverged from its formerly dark and hopeless path. One year ago, he'd been in the hospital, his body fighting his mind as he decided whether to live or die. And now... he had every reason to live. He had his family, and he had Bella at his side. If he'd succeeded at his attempt, he never would have met her, never would have held her, never would have felt this intense love that flooded him every time she smiled. But he could not regret the attempt, even in light of the pain it had caused, for it had brought him to therapy, and in turn, to Bella.

Life was a funny, fickle bitch.

"My tummy hurts," Alice moaned suddenly, struggling to her feet as Bella and Ronan continued to wrestle.

Edward knew this speech and look all too well from their teens. "C'mon, Tink," he murmured, leading her down the hall.

And even as his sister heaved and hurled out more than he'd ever seen _Emmett_ toss after a bender, Edward still couldn't stop smiling. Life was a bitch, but it was beautiful - and he wouldn't trade his for anything.

* * *

_Two more chapters, and the epilogue to go. I'm so sad :( What do you think Bella's getting done for her new mod?_

_That said, I have plans for a couple of lost moments and outtakes, **and would love to write more.** I don't feel it right to do a sequel, but in this fashion, we can still visit with Doucheward and Bitchella. **Review and suggest lost moments you wish we'd seen, alternate takes on scenes, or even wild and wacky outtakes. I'll doo my best to accommodate.**_

_I also haven't forgotten about people who tweeted out last time; I just haven't finished compiling the gift. I'll deliver soon. Keep tweeting the story around or recc'ing it and letting me know. _

_Follow me: casket4myfanfic_

_Follow our crazy kids: ForkedUp_


	39. Chapter 39

_AN:_

_Wow... Being this close to the end feels surreal._

_**Please pay close attention to the end. Information on other stories, lost moments for this one, and a chance for YOU (yes, you!) to appear in chapter 40 of Tattoos are all in the end notes!** And they say notes are just a blabberfest for authors! ;)_

_**Playlist for this chapter:**_

_All The Pretty Girls - Fun_  
_Anywhere - Evanescence_  
_Hammering In My Head - Garbage_  
_Stand Inside Your Love - Smashing Pumpkins_  
_Crash Into Me - Dave Matthews Band_  
_Lovefool - The Cardigans_  
_Poker Face - Lady Gaga_  
_Out Tonight - Rent *quoted*_  
_Stop - Spice Girls_  
_Can't Fight The Moonlight - Leanne Rimes_  
_U + UR Hand - Pink *quoted_*  
_1,2,3,4 - Coolio_  
_American Girls - Counting Crows_  
_You Get What You Give - The New Radicals_  
_To Be With You - Mr. Big_

**Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!**

* * *

_May 28th, 2010_

Edward was officially convinced that weddings were the antichrist, and the only rational ways to marry were Vegas elopements or a destination wedding at an all-inclusive facility in Hawaii. The last few weeks had been pure hell, a mess of tuxedo fittings, scripting toasts, planning the bachelor end of the festivities in a manner that pleased both the bride _and_ groom, and, oh yes, smack in the middle of that, he'd had to plead his case to Chief Charlie Swan. May was most certainly not his month, and Edward was plotting a month-long sojourn overseas in 2011 to avoid the horrifying 30-day spectre in the future.

This day had been spent making final confirmations for the party and coordinating with Rosalie's cousin, Bree, ensuring that the joined festivities would align under the cosmos or at least fucking coincide at the same time and location, given their drastically diverging starts to the evening. Bree, thankfully, was as relaxed and casual as Angela Weber, most of her time spent laughing at Edward's rants and encouraging him to skip the marriage altogether for himself and simply live in sin. As tempting as it was, Edward knew that eventually, he definitely wanted to marry Bella - but damn, those Hawaiian resorts looked better by the moment...

Stumbling into his family home, a loud burst of feminine laughter from the media room beckoned him forward. _Bella. I just need to hold Bella_. Thankfully, he had all of the time in the world now: through a lot of clever persuasion from Alice and excessive pouting on Bella's part - coupled with a disturbing discussion of safe sex he'd had to stomach solo - Bella had been given her father's blessing to relocate. The last of her things were loaded in the back of the Volvo already, awaiting their return home that night. As he rounded the corner into the den, the sight that greeted him was the polar opposite of last summer, sending his mind into a bewildered haze.

Bella and Rosalie were on the larger couch, the two of them propping their feet on the back of the couch as they sat upside down, heads dangling off the seat of the couch. They were both gnawing at impossibly long cords of red licorice rope, Rosalie swinging hers as if it were a lasso. Alice was sprawled on the floor on her stomach, digging through an enormous bag of candies and chocolates, including far too much Pez for safe human consumption. To seal the slumber party vibe, Edward was both amused and horrified to see that the ladies were watching _Saved By The Bell_.

"Jesus fucking Christ, is this my house or a slumber party?" Edward snarked.

Bella immediately looked to him and blew a kiss, beaming, "Hey handsome! We were finished early with the final menu tastings and such, so we decided to hit that crazy candy emporium . And then Alice suggested we buy a movie, so we went to Best Buy, and we found the entire series of _Saved By The Bell_ on sale for $30."

Edward glanced at the screen, immediately recognizing the infamous episode now playing, "Oh God, even I remember this one!"

"Oh please," Rosalie chastised him, "You know you jerked it to Tiffani-Amber back in the day."

"Maybe when she was on Melrose," Edward quipped. "But the 80s hair that lingered into the early 90s? Bit of a boner killer. I'm sure you swooned for Slater."

Rosalie nodded, "I like 'em brawny and smart-assed. Alice insists none of the guys do it for her."

"They don't!" Alice exclaimed. "I always wanted to be Lisa's friend, though. I wanted her credit card access, too."

"And you, dear love of my life? You had a Zack crush, didn't you?"

Bella blushed, "I was seven, and he's _so_ pretty."

"Oh! Oh! Best part!" Rosalie crowed. "Time to save Jessie from the Red Bull jones!"

Edward watched in equal parts horror and amusement as all three girls perfectly echoed the dialogue on screen: "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so... SCARED!" They even feigned sobbing, Rosalie flailing on Bella as if she were Scarlett O'Hara.

"This episode's hilarious to me, "Alice piped up. "I mean, caffeine pills? _Really_? They were _that_ bad? Look at how much caffeine we regularly consume now!"

"Well, I suppose it was a little tamer and safer than actual speed," Bella mused. "Now _Empire Records_ went for broke on that one."

"Which came first?" Rosalie asked.

"Oh, Jessie's poor little meltdown," Bella replied. "This show was on in the early 90s, I believe? _Empire_ was 1995. You know, I really hate how underappreciated that movie is. It dealt with serious shit that, at that time, wasn't often seen in a film."

"That's because it's bad-ass. Let's see: parental abandonment, suicide attempt, teen sex, drug abuse, gambling and, oh yes, fucking over corporate America, with a soundtrack that easily could have spanned multiple discs, as opposed to the lone soundtrack we got," Edward summarized, smiling as Bella nodded with approval.

"We should watch that soon!" Alice said, clapping excitedly as she fed herself Pez from a Hello Kitty dispenser. "I love that movie!"

"I haven't seen it in a fuckload of years," Rosalie admitted. "It could be arranged."

"As much as I love discussing pop culture with you, I'm wiped out and our apartment is still a trainwreck of boxes in a maze," Edward announced, looking to Bella. "Unless you want to stay longer?"

Bella shrugged, "I think we're set. Besides, I'm afraid of Alice. Once that seventh pack of Pez digests-"

"_Seventh_?" Edward groaned. "Rose, get the hell out now, before it's too late."

"Whatever; Rose has had enough Jelly Belly to feed a small army of children," Bella teased.

Edward threw up his arms, exasperated, "None of you are allowed to OD on sugar! How many times must this be explained? Bella, pack up, and no candy souvenirs."

Bella pouted, thrusting her lower lip out as far as she could manage, "Aww! I never got to my Charleston Chew!"

"Fine, spoilsport," Alice grumbled. "But we're picking Bella up tomorrow at six sharp, so you'd best not be delaying her. She has to dress up nice and pretty, right Bella?"

Bella groaned, wandering off towards the kitchen, "Yeah, yeah. I got the ten memos, Alice Mary Cullen."

"And everything's set with Bree?" Rosalie asked nervously. "And you've made sure-"

"Rose, it's all good. I stripper-blocked Emmett's more special work friends, and Bree and I have synchronized our party watches. Besides, even Emmett said he wasn't in the mood for strippers. He _did_ request a donkey show, but all of the good donkeys were booked already."

"Ha, ha, shithead," Rosalie retorted playfully. "If he wants a donkey show, he can film himself jerking off and play it back."

"Ewwww! _Why_?" Alice wailed. "Now I'm remembering that time I used his computer-"

"Ugh, Alice! Keep that trauma to yourself! And Bella, what did I say about souvenirs?"

Bella beamed at Edward, crunching into her frozen Charleston Chew bar, "If I finish it here," she garbled around the bite, "it's not a souvenir."

Edward shook his head, "You little shrew."

Bella winked, tossing her hair intentionally, and Edward's jeans grew a little tighter. _Okay, fuck this; we're going home now. I need to work off tension, starting with christening the kitchen counter_. Hugging Alice and Rosalie goodbye, Bella managed to devour her candy before reaching Edward. With a satisfied smirk, she grabbed her purse from the floor and gestured to the front door.

"Home, Jeeves."

"You're not Miss Daisy, you brat. Don't push it," Edward grumbled, nuzzling against her. "Night, sisters!"

Lowering her voice as they approached the front door, Bella's hand dusted over his groin, "You mean you won't _drive_ anything for me?"

Edward growled, gripping her ass tightly through her jeans, "You cruel tease..."

Bella winked, her hand gripping him tightly through the denim now, "It's only teasing if I don't satisfy you later. And I will do that."

"Is your back finally healed?" Edward asked, holding open Bella's car door.

Bella smiled, "No more scabs. Consider me yours to enjoy in every way."

"Good. Because I just may be throwing your back into a lot of surfaces tonight, starting with the front door," Edward murmured.

"I can hardly wait," Bella purred happily. "Any musical requests for the drive?"

"Something to inspire me to drive faster than the speed of light, so I can have you naked and in my arms already?" Edward groaned.

Bella scrolled quickly, humming triumphantly, "I know just the album..."

* * *

By the time they hit the Port Angeles limits, the final notes of Bella's album of choice faded, along with the sultry vocals of Shirley Manson. Edward had prayed the entire drive to avoid being tagged for speeding, his hands aching to caress and hold the object of his adoration and lust, and apparently, the powers that be were taking requests this evening. Bella, vixen she was, had continually shifted in her seat, crossing and uncrossing her legs as she sang along with the music pumping through the speakers. By the time she'd begun belting a song blatantly about sex, he'd nearly spun the Volvo onto the shoulder and taken her right there, gawkers be damned. Thankfully, they were scarce minutes away; his entire body ached with tension, his grip iron-tight on the wheel.

Bella cued up the most infamous of Nine Inch Nails tracks and Edward bit his lip in frustration. Her giggle revealed she was all too aware of the pain she'd inflicted, and impulsively, his hand slid between her thighs, rubbing against her hot core. Caught off guard, Bella gasped and sighed, her body bucking against him.

"Mean," she gasped.

"You started it," Edward murmured, pulling into his usual spot. "Upstairs."

"But my boxes-"

"Are in the trunk. _Upstairs_, Ms. Swan."

Bella licked her lips, flinging open her door, "Yes, sir..."

Bella made quick work of the exterior door, Edward pulling her through and up the stairs hastily, his hand interlaced with hers. He nearly dropped his apartment key at the landing, Bella chuckling as he jammed it into the lock roughly, cursing as it clicked and admitted them to their home.Edward seized Bella by her slight waist, spinning her inside and slamming the door behind them, thrusting her back against the wood even as it shuddered with the violence of its collision with the frame. Bella moaned softly as his mouth claimed her pale neck, nipping and sucking hard, claiming her inch by inch. Her hands fumbled with the zipper of his hoodie, tugging it open and yanking hard at the offending garment, and Edward released his grip of her curves to help free himself of its sleeves.

"Too much clothing," Edward whispered in her ear, his fingers twisting in the hem of her babydoll tee, "Off. Now."

Bella's back arched off the door as he pulled the flimsy cotton up and over her head, discarding it behind him as he drank in the sight of her. _Perfection. Absolute perfection_. With a feral noise caught in his throat, Edward's mouth crashed into hers, their kisses hungry yet loving, passionately frantic. His hands traced her sides, grazing the swells of her breasts and sliding over her hips, pulling her against him. Her own hands made quick work of his fly, her hand slipping into his jeans, massaging the growing erection caught within them.

"Fuck," he panted, jerking her pants open so abruptly, he nearly tore the button away entirely. "I need you. I always need you."

"Please," Bella whimpered. "I need you to. It _hurts_, I need you so bad..."

Bella cursed under her breath, her hands ripping at his t-shirt as Edward thrust her slacks to the floor, along with the silk panties beneath. His shirt sailed into the TV as she kicked free of her pants and shoes, shoving them aside with her foot as Edward released the front closure of her bra. His mouth enveloped her pert nipple, gently tugging as his tongue flicked lightly against it, and he heard her head thump back against the door, a mewling noise escaping her throat. His shaft throbbed painfully then, demanding release, and he abandoned his ministrations, kissing his way back to Bella's soft lips.

"Turn around," he commanded her.

As she complied, her body shuddering slightly, Edward freed himself from the confines of boxers and denim, his clothing crumpled now beside Bella's. With a long, lingering examination of her lithe body, Edward's left hand gently swept her auburn waves over her shoulder, his lips grazing her bare shoulder as he rubbed against her slickness.

"Welcome home, love," he murmured, thrusting himself inside of her.

Bella moaned his name into the door as he buried himself inside of her, remaining still for a moment, revelling in the feel of her, in how good her skin felt beneath his palms as he caressed her waist and upper thighs. How he had lived, or breathed, without this woman, he didn't know; she was his intellectual and musical match, his strength in the darkest of hours, his reason to not only survive, but thrive. As he slowly began to move, slipping in and out of her, he closed his eyes, his mind reeling with stillframes of their life together: Bella in therapy, silent, sullen; Bella tripping in front of him after his furious exit from group; the way the dim lights of the tavern caught her eyes that first night; nights spent on the roof of his family home, Bella sketching as music played through the window; Bella, asleep in his arms, her lips moving silently as she dreamed. Her pleas for him to move faster urged him onward, Edward slamming into her now, his hand snaking around to lightly circle her clit as he whispered his love for her in her ear. Her head turned, her lips pressing lightly to his as he felt her tighten up, her whimpers and panting growing louder, her knees quaking.

"God, I'm coming, Edward," she gasped, "Go with me, please..."

"Bella," he panted, burying his face in her warm flesh.

His legs buckled as he found his release, primal and loud as he emptied himself within her, her own orgasm a wave as she gasped and incoherently mumbled. Her fist thumped the door once, a curse escaping her lips as her hand shot back to grip his hip, steadying herself. With a reluctant sigh, Edward slipped out of her, pulling her back against his chest and embracing her tightly. He inhaled her scent deeply as he kissed the top of her head, her hand covering his as she struggled to recover.

"That... was a... nice... housewarming," Bella managed between gasps.

"Just wait... 'til I formally welcome you... to the kitchen," he replied, smiling.

"Whew!" Bella giggled, "I know we... have to get boxes... but I'd rather lay down."

Edward inhaled deeply, holding it before exhaling, "I'll do it. Get in bed."

"Edward, I-"

"Hush."

Bella turned around, pressing onto her toes to kiss him, "I love you so much. I'm so glad you didn't give up on me."

"Ditto."

"Hurry up, Patrick Swayze," Bella teased, sashaying down the hallway.

Edward made quick work of dressing and retrieving the last of Bella's boxes, mostly old papers and photo albums, juggling them through his door. Strolling down the hallway towards their bedroom, Edward smiled to himself, giddy. _This is it; she's officially moved in_. Setting the boxes down near the door, alongside a similar stack, Edward glanced around, finding Bella at their window, peeking through their thick black curtains. With a knowing sigh, he approached her, enveloping her from behind, following her gaze to the dreamcatcher dangling against the pane.

"It's perfect there," he murmured.

"I'm kind of surprised he said I could keep it," Bella whispered.

Jacob Black, via Ronan, had indicated that Leah's cruel prank gift - Rachel's dreamcatcher, made by her own hands - could remain with Bella now. Ronan claimed that Jacob insisted it was what his sister would have wanted, even if the delivery had been less than ideal. It was the first item she'd unpacked the previous weekend, cradling it delicately for several minutes before choosing the window for its new home.

"He understands how important she was to you," Edward replied. "Come lie down, Bella. Tomorrow's going to be a long day."

"Ugh, I know," Bella groaned, turning around. "Alice and Bree concocted this dreadful nightmare scavenger hunt-style list of dares for both the bride and the guests to complete. I'm going to need a serious drink or four to handle this madness."

"I'm so glad I'm a guy," Edward sighed. "We're hitting the Mariners-Jays game, then meeting with you guys at the bar. Nice and simple, and prevents anyone from being a smart-ass and ordering strippers, as requested by the bride and groom."

Bella sprawled beside him on her side, her fingers tracing the tattoo upon his chest, "Yeah, lucky fucker. We're checking us all into the hotel, then bar hopping, torturing Rosalie and everyone in the group along the way. I fully expect you'll have to carry me back to the room, as I'll be drowning my embarrassment."

Edward sighed happily, "Anything you need, babe... Just keep that up."

Bella's eyebrow raised, her expression amused, "This feels that good?"

"Anything you do feels good, but yeah, that's so relaxing," Edward answered her.

"I really do love your ink," Bella mused. "I know I don't say it often, but I stare at it all the time."

"Ronan has a way with the needles," Edward agreed, his own fingertips drifting along Bella's forearm.

"He's got such a gift, true, but it's more than that... They're stories. They're _your_ stories. I always go back to the first night we spent together, and remember how you'd unfolded your heart to me... and I still am in awe of all you've been through, and the man you are now."

Edward leaned in, kissing her gently, her chin cradled in his hand. Bella sighed against him, deepening the kiss, and he tangled his tongue against hers, still mesmerized each time he felt the cool ball of her piercing roll along it. Bella had recently surprised him with a new piece of jewellery: a vibrating tongue ring. He shivered, recalling the intensity of that night's oral services.

"You're a survivor, too," Edward said softly as they parted, his hand swiping at her hair and pushing it out of her eyes. "I've lost a lot of those I care for, but you've lost two important people in painful and sudden ways. Don't ever doubt your own strength, B."

"I don't. Not anymore," Bella promised. "I made sure I'd remember."

Edward smiled, leaning over to kiss her pierced navel as he trailed his way up between the delicate swells of her breasts. To say he'd been stunned by her new mod was perhaps the understatement of the decade; her decision to ink, not pierce, was but one layer of that surprise. Edward continued to worship her fervently, kissing his way along her side, nudging and rolling her onto her stomach. Bella purred as his lips met her shoulders, her neck, then drifted down, further still, to her tailbone, where her tattoo greeted him, healed at last. He kissed every line, tracing the tall grasses, seemingly swaying, dancing around a single, brilliant _Dodecatheon jeffreyi_ - Jeffrey's Shooting Star, the flower of their meadow. It was, as she explained it, a symbol of life persisting in tragedy, and of their respective journeys. 'We both found a new beginning through near ending, surrounded by those flowers,' Bella had said, tears slipping down her cheeks.

"I love this," he whispered gently. "I love you."

"I love you, too," she echoed softly, her head lifting slightly. "Hold me?"

"Always."

He laid back, allowing her to half-sprawl across his chest, her hair strewn in all directions. Mutely, she traced the Dream King on his arm, humming an unfamiliar tune as her eyes slowly fluttered to a close. Sleep claimed her quickly, Edward shaking his head in amusement before he, too, surrendered to the arms of Morpheus.

* * *

_May 29th, 2010  
Seattle, WA_

"Alright, ladies! Flip through and pick your poisons, or I pick them for you!" Alice cheerily announced, passing out pencils and slips of paper before plunking a large binder between their assorted drinks.

"You can't be serious," Bella groaned, tugging her hair nervously.

"Bella, it's item eleven of thirteen on the list for both the bride and her consorts, and I will _not_ take no for an answer! I'm tone deaf and I'm going up!"

Bella's gaze sought out Bree, who shrugged and agreed with Alice, "I suck too, and I'm going. Alice is right, Bella; rules are rules. The one fun part," she continued, winking at Rosalie, "is that the bride doesn't get a choice! Hmm, what to torture you with..."

"Oh, I have plenty of ideas!" Rosalie's friend, Delilah, exclaimed, winking mischievously, "Isn't that right, Karebear?"

Karen - 'Karebear' to her friends - tossed her jet black curls back, beaming, "Fuck yeah! I still owe you for that time you ditched me with that dork from the school paper to make out with Jimmy Landry!"

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Rosalie laughed. "That was in tenth grade!"

"A Karebear never forgets!" her friend teased, flipping pages.

"Since I am exhausted from endless planning, you and Delilah can pick Rose a treat, while I mull over what I will not completely butcher," Bree announced, downing her drink. "Ugh, I need more booze!"

"You and me both!" Bella groaned. "I really wish we'd smoked before coming, now. I mean, seriously Alice: you had us all inflate condoms and toss them around like beach balls!"

"Oh hush, it's all in good fun! You can torture me all you want, future maid of honour," Alice replied, winking.

"Future... Really?" Bella froze, struggling not to cry. "Oh, Alice, you really don't have to-"

"No, _you_ have to. Please?"

Bella embraced Alice tightly, beaming, "Of course I will. It'll be an honour."

Alice squealed, "And Rose, you're her lieutenant, so you'll also have your revenge, right?"

Rosalie winked, "You know it, almost sister! Now, hurry up bitches! I want to be serenaded!"

Bella laughed, her gaze drifting to Alice's hand as it flipped through the karaoke machine's offerings. Jasper had proposed a month ago, Alice scarcely accepting the one carat solitaire in its delicate curving white gold band before texting everybody furiously, shouting her joy from the virtual rooftops. It was both classic and quirky - perfectly Alice.

"Oooh! I got mine!" Alice crowed, scribbling down a code number and details and skipping away to the booth.

Bella sighed, "Everyone else, hurry up. I'm going to be a while."

Delilah and Karen opted to tag team an old Spice Girls tune, and skipped off with their request and Rosalie's mystery number, leaving Bella and Emily to sort out theirs. Emily, Bella knew, had a beautiful voice from years of vocal music in school, and was sure to blow them all out of the water. After some hesitation and input from Bella, she settled on a song from _Coyote Ugly_. Bella was still mulling between an old Train tune, Counting Crows or a little sass when her phone vibrated in her pocket. Checking the display, she smiled and opened the text from Edward.

_Ugh, I have no idea why Emmett is friends with such misogynistic douchebags. Jas, Ro and I are constantly keeping these two shits in line. How goes your party?_

Bella chucked to herself, her ears perking up as Alice's name was called, and tapped out a quick reply.

_I'm being forced to sing for a crowded bar. What do you think?_

Bella asked Rosalie to choose one of her three songs, the blonde vixen in the veil laughing as she scribbled down her choice. The phone buzzed against the tabletop as Alice began belting out Lovefool by The Cardigans.

_I think I better hurry these fuckers along. See you very soon, baby. Oxox_

Bella turned in her request slip reluctantly, her face lighting up like the proverbial Christmas tree as Bree returned from the bar with an Alabama Slammer with Bella's name on it, "Goddess. You. Why did I agree to this?"

Bree chuckled, "You know, it's awful, but at the same time, I don't mind. Rosalie's had a hard life, and she's smiled more tonight than she has in a very long time. I can't take that from her."

Bella smiled, "Good. She deserves to be happy."

"Ugh, I'm hoping that choosing a recent hit will save me via sing-alongs," Bree sighed. "Will you help start one?"

"I'll prod Alice for you. Deal?"

Bree nodded, "That works! Alice isn't as bad as she said she was. Brat!"

The two of them rejoined their group at the table, where Alice was knocking back her drink, cheering on Rosalie as she was summoned to the mic. Bella asked what song had been selected for the bride and laughed hard at the reply. _Oh, she's going to play this to the hilt_, Bella mused. After all, it was a song Rosalie had performed in a college stage production. Whistling loudly, the girls watched as Rosalie worked the stage, swinging her hips as the music kicked in.

"_What's the time? Well, it's gotta be close to midnight! My body's talkin' to me, it says, ' time for danger'..._"

Rosalie wrapped every male in the bar (and some of the women) around her little finger as she romped the small stage, fully in character as Mimi as she demanded to be taken 'out tonight.' Bella cheered the loudest for her, while Emily filmed the proceedings. Bella groaned, shaking her head and pointing at the camera, but Emily wasn't having it: apparently, there would be evidence of _all_ of the ladies singing for the masses.

As each girl made her way up in turn, Bella was, for a moment, relieved; it seemed that she'd make it up before Edward and the brute squad arrived. Bree had led her Lady Gaga sing-along, Delilah and Karen had gone already, and Emily was currently belting out Can't Fight The Moonlight with a gusto that put Leanne Rimes to shame. But just as she began her walk of anticipated shame towards the stage, mentally running through her chosen selection, her skin tingled with the familiar sensation of being watched. And sure enough, their male entourage, Edward in front, had arrived for the joint partying to come. _Fuck_!

"Wow, thank you, Emily!" the host gushed. "Next up, let's welcome Bella to the stage!"

Even as she set up the mic to her liking, she could see what Edward had been complaining about. The rowdy coworkers were harassing a group of women at a table near theirs, and Ronan was running interference, exasperated. Bitchella mode engaged, and she was grateful as the music began that Rosalie had opted for the 'grrrl' track.

"This one's for the rowdy boys at the table _right there_," she announced, grateful that the drunken losers had no apparent clue that Bella was with their group, given their hooting and whistling. Edward settled back in his chair, smirking with an innate understanding of his girlfriend's inner workings as she began to sing:

"_Check it out, goin' out, on the late night. Lookin' tight, lookin' nice, it's a cock fight..._"

The idiots were reeled in, wandering a little closer to the stage as the maligned ladies hooted with recognition at Bella's song. With a wink and seductive smirk, Bella continued to channel her inner bitch, relishing what was, moments ago, a nightmare prospect.

"_At the door we don't wait cause we know them  
At the bar, six shots, just beginning  
That's when dick head put his hands on me  
But you see_

I'm not here for your entertainment  
You don't really want to mess with me tonight  
Just stop and take a second  
I was fine before you walked into my life  
Cause you know it's over  
Before it began  
Keep your drink - just give me the money  
It's just you and your hand tonight."

The audience howled as Bella swung her hips, slapped her ass and flashed the finger at the idiots. Later, she'd blame it on being 'in character'; for now, Alice and Rosalie were roaring, while Edward stifled a laughing fit behind his hand. By the time Bella hit the second chorus, half the bar was singing along - mostly the women, some of whom had gotten up to dance. Captains Dumb and Dumber made the mistake of commenting on Bella's 'tits' and 'pussy', and she threw a hand up at Edward, who was positively seething. _Don't worry, babe; I got this_, she thought, beckoning them closer to the stage. She fetched her drink from the stand beside her, anchoring the mic in its stand as she hit the bridge.

"_In the corner with your boys, you bet 'em five bucks  
You'd get the girl that just walked in, but she thinks you suck  
We didn't get all dressed up just for you to see  
So quit spilling your drinks on me, yeah._"

And with that, Bella tossed her drink in both of their horny faces, bending down to make her point crystal clear with a feigned 'jerking off' gesture:

_"You know who you are  
High fivin', talking shit, but you're going home alone, aren't 'cha_?"

The crowd roared as three bouncers moved in speedily, seizing the now enraged duo and dragging them out of the club, cursing and stumbling. Bella glanced over at Emmett, who shrugged and laughed, snuggling closer to his bride-to-be. Edward, however, had begun making his way towards the stage, a look of pure lust in his eyes. Bella played her role to the end, earning a rousing round of hoots and a few encore demands before jumping down into Edward's waiting arms.

"That was so fucking hot," he growled. "I was going to kill them, you know, even before they spoke to you."

"I know," Bella giggled. "Bitchella strikes again!"

"They deserved it. C'mon baby; let's replace your drink and then we can hit the last stop on the Jack and Jill express."

The rest of the night passed relatively smoothly. When Emmett's coworkers called him, griping about being thrown out, he calmly informed them they were uninvited from the wedding for harassing his brother's girlfriend and being assholes in general, then hung up on them. Rosalie then phoned the hotel and released the room being held for them from her block, giggling merrily. By the time they reached the retro club, the entire gang was feeling no pain and very much up for dancing to anything.

Emmett rapped his way through Coolio's old hit 1,2,3,4, much to Rosalie's amusement, while Bella taught Edward to grind and whine. The way he groaned and bit her ear, Bella knew she was well on her way to creating a very large problem for him. From behind her, she heard Alice and Emily chattering over their drinks, and nudged Edward closer to eavesdrop.

"Oh, God! As much as I love weddings and all the big dresses and such, I don't know if I have it in me to ever plan and handle one of my own!" Emily exclaimed.

"That's what wedding planners are for!" Alice replied, glancing over at Bella and winking.

"Even still, I'd still have to be consulted and worry about everything; it's just less legwork, really. It's almost a good thing Ronan hasn't asked me; it lets me avoid this brand of chaos," Emily countered.

"Sounds like you should just elope or courthouse it," Alice mused.

"YES!" Emily agreed enthusiastically. "Just do it quick, bam! We could have a house party for our friends afterwards or something. So much less drama."

"What did I tell him?" Edward murmured. "She's an eloper."

Bella chuckled, "At this point, she'd marry him with a sandwich baggie tie shaped in a ring."

"It _is_ a fuck-ton of drama, planning these things," Edward added. "I'm exhausted and I'm just the best man this go-round."

"Does this mean you're an eloper, too?" Bella teased.

"Perhaps. I'd like to think of myself as a 'whatever my bride wants' kind of guy," Edward replied, pulling Bella close against him.

The music shifted into a one-hit wonder of the late 90s by the New Radicals and Bella shrieked in delight, "I love this song!"

"Me too!" Alice agreed, pulling Emily onto the floor with her.

Ronan approached from the bar, bearing beers for himself and Emily, who enthusiastically kissed him before snatching away her bottle, "You're the best, handsome!"

Catching Ronan's eye, Bella mouthed the word 'elope' at him. Puzzled, he watched her jerk her head towards Alice, and promptly looked faint. Bella laughed, her attention returning to her own boyfriend as he twirled her around wildly to the music. None of them were truly in time, but at one in the morning, it was no longer expected. When last call was announced a short time later - mere seconds, it seemed, to an extremely inebriated Bella - she found herself wrapped in Edward`s warm embrace as Mr. Big played overhead.

"All in all, I'd say this night was a success," Edward said as the two of them swayed slowly.

"Rosalie and Emm look giddy; that's what matters most," Bella concurred.

And they did: Rosalie and Emm were laughing, poorly imitating ballroom dance movements, the scene made more ridiculous by his hulking size in comparison to hers. Delilah and Karen had parted ways with the group after the karaoke bar, the two of them too tipsy to function. The eight of them - two engaged couples, one couple unknowingly engaged, and Bella and Edward - radiated love and joy. It was how the world should be, in Bella's opinion.

"One week from now, he's going to be married. I really thought Alice would be first. She's been sketching her wedding dress since she was ten."

"The right woman came along for him," Bella said softly. "Love changes people. You and I are proof of what it can do."

"You're definitely the right woman for me," Edward whispered.

"You're the one who wants to be with me?" Bella quipped, echoing the lyrics they were dancing to.

"Deep inside, I hope you feel it, too," Edward countered, grinning.

"I do," Bella whispered happily.

"By the rules of _Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind_, we're married now," Edward teased.

Bella giggled, "Shit, you're right! I always love that part of the movie. Guess you're stuck with me now, Cullen."

"Stuck like glue, babe."

"Krazy Glue?" Bella joked.

"The strongest kind there is!"

"I knew being mental was good for something!"

Alice announced the group's departure in her delicate yet booming voice, and they made their way reluctantly towards the exit, trailing the other three couples. It was, all in all, one of the most perfect days she'd ever experienced in her life, and the thought of it ending pained her.

"We should do this more often," Bella declared as they began piling into their waiting limo.

"What's that?" Ronan asked.

"Go away, have fun! The eight of us, Angela and Ben, too. Even with all of the lists of torture and humiliation, it's been a blast, you know?"

Alice clapped her hands, "A yearly escape! Oh, I love it!"

A consensus was quickly reached, the group determining that a weekend of debauchery was a necessary annual event, and Bella beamed. Sinking into Edward, she glanced around at her new little family - her chosen family - and felt overwhelmed with the sense of belonging. _I fit. Like a puzzle piece_. She watched through sleepy, inebriated eyes as the streetlights and neon signs whirled past, a kaleidoscopic acid trip, the faint murmurs of her friends lost in the haze of bliss and booze. The city pulsed, its heart beating strong, each of them but one cell dependent upon its energy.

Edward sighed and murmured sleepily as she shifted, her eyelids heavy. _I belong with you_, she thought lovingly. She heard his heart flutter, as if it were pleased with this knowledge, as if it had always been beating for her, waiting to be whole. It settled into its sturdy rhythm, her familiar lullaby, and Bella slipped into the waiting comfort, allowing sleep to claim her.

* * *

_Alright, I have a lot to say, so bear with me!_

_**This story (Tattoos):**_

_To clarify a few points..._

_1) I will NOT write a sequel. I love this characters so freaking much, but the story is coming to an organic close. HOWEVER..._

_2) I will continue to write lost moments, one-shots, etc. **I will happily take suggestions, so review, and request either moments you wish we'd seen or alternate takes, or even future moments.** I'll do my best to accommodate you. I have two planned already, so make sure you have added the lost moments to your alerts!_

_www[dot]fanfiction[dot]net/s/6375121/1/Lost_Moments_Tattoos_Like_Mile_Markers_

_3) **Want to appear in chapter 40 of the story? **Review this chapter. Easy enough, right? I will use a random number generator to select one person from FF and one from Twilighted whose real first names (or a name of your own choosing) will feature in the chapter! A third person will be used, based on the review that affects me most (makes me laugh hard, makes me tear up, whatever!)_

_**Deliratio**:_

_I really love this story, and it's where my attention is headed next. It's dark, but it's a powerful struggle to live, and full of backstory. Please check it out and review._

_www[dot]fanfiction[dot]net/s/6366529/1/Deliratio_

_**Disc Jockeys:**_

_I am about to commence a Disc Jockeys sequel! I miss my crazy kids. ** If you love Tattoos, but could do with milder angst**, I strongly recommend reading it. Same music loving kids, less depression. _

_www[dot]fanfiction[dot]net/s/4668771/1/Disc_Jockeys_

_**As always, tweet me at casket4myfanfic. I'm looking to wrap this story by the beginning of March at the latest, so review, and let me know what you think of our journey. **_

_Follow our crazy kids: ForkedUp_


	40. Chapter 40

_AN:_

_**This is long, but I promise love, ear candy and eye candy! Stay with me!**_

_I'd like to take a moment and thank all of you who've reviewed this story, emailed me their stories, promoted the story, and kept me sane on Twitter. I love you all, so much. You're incredible. For those of you who, like me, have lived Edward and Bella's battles in your own ways, keep fighting. It gets better, and it's worth it. 3_

_Speaking of reviews, when it came time for the cameos, I simply couldn't choose one favourite review, so I chose one from each site. Then, I decided to give some love to some of my long-time Twitter readers... and well, we ended up with seven reader cameos. Congrats to the following awesome peeps:_

_Tarbecca, olsson82 (Twilighted)_  
_mugglemom08, littlelivvylou (FF)_  
_wheather79, phips16, kharisma2 (Twitter)_

_**This is the last time, other than outtakes, we'll be seeing most of the characters, **so hopefully, you enjoy their send-off._

* * *

_**Epic playlist for this super-long chapter:**_

_Fair - Remy Zero  
Another One Bites The Dust - Queen  
The Messenger - The Tea Party *quoted*  
The Walk - Imogen Heap *quoted*  
American Girls - Counting Crows  
Brown-Eyed Girl - Van Morrison  
Wonderful World - Sam Cooke  
I'll Remember - Madonna  
Parents Just Don't Understand - DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince  
Candyman - Christina Aguilera  
Breakin' Dishes - Rihanna  
Centerfold - J. Geils Band  
Portions For Foxes - Rilo Kiley *quoted*  
A Story About A Girl - Our Lady Peace  
Whataya Want From Me? - Pink (She wrote it, she does it better, just sayin')*quoted*_

* * *

_**What's everybody wearing? Glad you asked! Just wish I could actually post URLs (blow me, FF). Edit all the [dot]s accordingly.**_

_Rose's dress:_

_maggiesottero[dot]com/dress.[dot]aspx?style=AD3300_

_Alice and Bree (they're wearing it in rum pink over black):_

_miasolano[dot]com/gallerydetails[dot]asp?main_id=523&sname=&cname=MAIDS&cat_id=33&subcat_id=0_

_Bella's dress:_

_media[dot]onsugar[dot]com/files/2011/01/01/4/1311/13113100/0161e62d60822174_short_prom_dresses_with_straps[dot]jpg_

_Emily's dress:_

_lechateau[dot]com/style/browse/productDetailWithPicker[dot]jsp?productId=268451&navAction=push&navCount=0&categoryNav=false_

_**Oh, and Alice's engagement ring, since I forgot last time:**_

_rothemcollection[dot]com/pc/viewPrd[dot]asp?idproduct=1933&idcategory=29_

* * *

_June 5th, 2010_

"I'm going to throw up. Oh fuck, get a bucket. I'm going to throw up."

"Rose, shh! You're going to be fine. It's just nerves," Bree soothed, digging through what Bella could only describe as a mountain of make-up in a large case.

"No, Bree. I am going to hurl. Toss cookies. Spew. Pull a Linda Blair." Rosalie groaned, shifting back and forth on her satiny heels, her face ghostly pale, "Oh God, why didn't I elope? Why? Alice, listen to me: elope. Just run away and get it done."

Alice shook her head, "I _want_ the whole princess deal. Besides, when Emmett sees you coming down the aisle and his jaw dislocates in wonder, you will be grateful you endured all of this. Now hold still, Rose; I've got to tighten up the corset strings."

Rosalie shot a nervous look at Bella, oblivious to Bree's attempt to apply eye shadow, "Bella, I can't do this. I can't have them all staring at me. I'm going to face plant. I know it. And what if someone says something..."

Bella nodded, understanding precisely what Rosalie meant. _What if someone says something about Roy? What if someone says something about my reconstructed jaw or notices how I walk_? Her hand reached out for Rosalie's, her smile warm as she gently squeezed in reassurance.

"Then I'll knock them the fuck out. Rosalie, only Emmett matters. I want you to walk straight down that aisle, staring at him and thinking of all the ways you're going to violate your hotel room in St. Maarten."

Bree choked and coughed as Alice burst into hysterical laughter, "Oh my God, I so don't need to know about this!"

Rosalie smiled mischievously, "I like that idea. Thank you, Bella."

"Okay, can the bride please stay still and finish getting ready? The sooner we doll you up, the sooner the ceremony's over," Bree grumbled.

"Sorry, Bree. Shit, can one of you go check my mother? I'm pretty sure she's making someone miserable by now; make sure it isn't me next?"

Alice saluted, "On it! Besides, I have to check on the boys and make sure they're presentable."

Bella leaned towards the closest of the three looming mirrors on Mrs. Hale's antique armoire, tousling her hair anxiously. Alice had talked her into a dress far shorter than she'd normally choose, insisting that a summer wedding called for sexy, not 'dowdy'. While she had to admit that the dress was at least edgier than most formal wear - a shimmering, brilliant blue strapless satin, ending mid-thigh, the flared skirt overlayed with a sheer, embroidered black gauzy material - she found herself tugging nervously at the hem, as if that would somehow join it to her knees, instead. Bree had taken care of her make-up, dusting her eyes in smoky shades, her lips in a pale shimmery gloss with a light blue sheen. She'd also worked a few miracles with cover-up, obliterating her faded yet discernible self-injury scars on her left arm, for which she was profusely grateful.

Rosalie's wedding gown, a Maggie Sottero design, was perfectly chosen, the jewelled bodice and strapless neckline amplifying her naturally impressive cleavage. The slightly flared skirt gathered loosely on her left hip, creating the effect of a slight twist as the material drifted down to her ankles, the rear flaring into a sweeping train. She'd elected for the flare effect to obscure her legs, lest her lingering injuries act up, but Bella couldn't imagine anyone with a heart focusing on such a painful time in her past on what would be the best day of Rosalie's life. She'd meant her threat; if one person spoke out of turn about the bride, Bella would cut the bitch.

"Finally! Alright, Rosalie, you can continue pacing now," Bree announced, packing up her pretty-making supplies. "Just like you asked for, right?"

Rosalie nodded, beaming, "You're the best, Bree. Not too much, and perfectly matching the bridesmaid dresses... You should make this your career."

"If you hear Hollywood calling, give them my number," Bree laughed. "Ten minutes, Mrs. Cullen-to-be."

Rosalie stepped backwards, taking in Bree's strapless rum pink gown with its black underskirt, holding her breath, "I'm getting married. I'm really doing it, aren't I?"

"Yes, you are. You're going to get married, have an amazing day full of happiness, get tipsy as hell and be grateful that _your_ husband will be able to lift you over the threshold," Bree replied, rolling her eyes at the last bit. "I swear, I almost killed Riley on our wedding night. Have you tried dragging _Emmett_ anywhere?"

Rosalie laughed, "Oh God, and we all warned Riley to ease up on the champagne... You got a new kitchen out of guilt though, so it ended well."

Bree winked, "I didn't even want the marble; it was just payback."

Bella reached out to brush Rosalie's cascading curls aside, kissing her cheek gently, "Time for me to take my seat, girl. Remember: sexual violation. Always brightens my day."

Rosalie giggled, embracing her tightly, "Thank you for staying over last night, and for, well, everything! I promise to run any interference you need on your big day."

Bella blanched, "Oh God, I can't handle even the thought... I'm not engaged... Damn it, Rose! You _know_ I don't have Ativan anymore! " Shaking her head, Bella bit her lip, "No more 'M word' in conjunction with me, alrighty?"

Rosalie shook her head, "If you think Edward isn't going to eventually show up with a rock and a bended knee, you're deluded. But there's always eloping, which I hear is Ronan's plan?"

Bella nodded, "September. They're taking their annual vacation in Vegas. Emily hasn't the slightest clue, so mum's the word, Bree."

Bree feigned zipping her lips, winking, "Secret's safe with me!"

"Okay, I'm off! See you two in a few!"

Bella stumbled out of the room, cursing her agreement to wear heels, her eyes darting down the hall in search of Edward. _Must be downstairs already_, she reasoned, proceeding down the spiralling staircase of the Hale mansion - and it was a mansion, by Forks standards, even larger than the Cullen home - and joining other guests mingling in the foyer, awaiting an usher to seat them. Cutting through the group, Bella headed down the aisle, making her ways towards her father's spot near the front of the groom's side. Her focus on not breaking her ankle before the opening strains of Pachelbel's _Canon in D_ left her vulnerable to surprises - no wonder then, that she gasped and kicked her legs when a certain bronze-haired man seized her from behind, spinning her around once and chuckling at her flurry of muttered curses.

"Damn it, Doucheward!"

Edward smiled, his hand reaching to cup her chin, "You're too beautiful not to touch."

Bella melted into his gentle kiss, her momentary frustration lost in the thundering beat of her heart. _Note to self: Edward must wear a tux at all times. Yes. Fuck yes!_ Her eyes locked gaze with his, the two of them silently exchanging their love in the midst of hurried seating and Rosalie's mother yapping like a strung-out Pomeranian.

"You have to be by the stairs," Bella whispered.

"In a moment... There are no words..." Edward sighed happily, beaming, "I love you."

"Love you, too. And that tux? Get six more."

"Six, hmm?"

"One for every day of the week, obviously!" Bella breathed, her hands longing to roam his body in ways completely inappropriate for a $40,000 wedding.

"Edward! You must take your place!" the grating voice of one Lilian Hale boomed from across the room. "We can't possibly start with you dallying in the aisle!"

Edward rolled his eyes, "Duty calls."

Bella grinned, "Go get your brother ball and chained. But warning: he may drool excessively when she arrives, so ready a mop."

"Clean up in aisle one!" Edward laughed, "Good to know. 'Bye, Bella."

Bella edged forward two rows, slipping into the seat on the aisle next to her father whom, she had to admit, had cleaned up very nicely. _If only I could find him a nice woman to date... _ Charlie Swan examined her dress then huffed into his moustache - a silent reproach for the length of her outfit, no doubt.

"Alice," Bella whispered.

"Figured," Charlie replied. "The colour's beautiful on you, Bells."

"Thanks, Dad."

Bella's eyes scanned the room, taking in the insane collection of extended relatives, Emmett and Rosalie's friends, and the scurrying caterer and wedding planner, finally settling anew on the front of the grand dining hall, where Emmett stood, chatting and joking quietly with the minister and Carlisle. The room and benches were decorated with a blend of calla lilies and pale pink gerbera daisies, their scents drifting through the busy room. A hush grew over the now fully seated crowd as the pianist began to play, Bella noting that Edward could do a far superior job as she turned to watch the procession.

Alice and Jasper made their way down first, Alice beaming at her fiance's side, and Bella grinned, thrilled for her best female friend. Jasper, for his part, was equally enchanted by the delicate pixie at his side, the two of them parting reluctantly at the front of the room as they took their appointed places. Her bouquet of pink gerberas matched her dress perfectly, her tiara sparkling in the sunlight. Bree and Edward followed close behind, Bree obviously terrified of falling, given the way she clung to his arm. Edward whispered in her ear and she relaxed slightly, but her slower pace betrayed lingering anxiety. Edward caught Bella's eye, winking before redirecting his gaze to the altar. They separated, Bree shuffling quickly to Alice's side.

Rosalie's entrance was met with gasps and feminine squeals; even Bella's breath caught in her throat as the radiant blonde emerged with her kindly father at her side. Her hair was half-pinned back, loose curls tumbling down to frame her flushed cheeks. Her veil drifted over her golden mane, secured with diamond encrusted combs - the 'something borrowed' from Bree. Bella spun quickly to take in Emmett's reaction and stifled a squeal of her own as she realized Emmett had teared up at the sight of his bride. _Big ol' teddy bear!_ Bella thought happily to herself as she looked again to her friend, flashing her a smile and a subtle thumbs up gesture, in answer to her fears of walking in front of an audience. Rosalie nodded slightly, her own eyes threatening to weep as she returned her attention to her father and the waiting minister.

"Who gives this woman away?" the minister asked softly, as the music faded away.

"I do," George Hale replied happily, kissing his daughter and releasing her.

The ceremony was non-denominational, a sticking point for many months due to Rosalie's mother, who was a staunch Catholic. Emmett, although christened Anglican, had never been religious, and Rosalie's feminist leanings led her to desire a ceremony less about God and more about an equal partnership. Bella was enthralled by the poetry readings, and her father was misty-eyed during the vows the bride and groom had written for each other. Emmett even managed a veiled innuendo that had their closest friends giggling and older relatives utterly bewildered at the tittering guests. Their platinum bands exchanged, their union was sealed with a kiss that affirmed for Bella that Rosalie had taken her advice and spent her walk down the aisle thinking carnally, leaving her chuckling and applauding loudest of all.

Emmett, in his ceaseless joking, had arranged for the recessional to be Queen's Another One Bites The Dust, lounge-style, courtesy of Edward's nimble piano work. Bella cut through the crowd spilling out through the rear doors into the tented reception space, settling onto the bench beside the man she loved. With a happy sigh, she rested her head against his shoulder, watching him play with reverence.

"Think she's caught on yet?" Edward asked.

"She's too busy barking about the photos she wants taken, I think," Bella replied. "You'd think it was her wedding."

"In her mind, she bought it, so it is," Edward sighed. "It's alright, though; the deal was that she could control the decorations, guest list and food, but Emm and Rose controlled the substance of ceremony and the reception, which are what mattered most to them. I'm sure the music will have her running for the hills."

Bella grinned, "Emmett?"

Edward wrapped up his rendition with a flourish, "Ohhhh yeah. Wait 'til you hear the parent dance numbers. Carlisle's in on it and happy to play along, but the Hales..."

Bella snickered, "So, I take it the mother of the bride will not be as amused?"

"I'm pretty sure she'll approve only slightly more than the drunken shitheads approved of your karaoke antics."

They rose, Bella linking her arm through Edward's, "Sounds like this will be a Kodak moment. Let's go find the videographers and make sure they're paying attention, for posterity..."

* * *

"I feel like I'm trapped in a modernization of an Austen novel," Emily murmured to Bella as their dinner plates were carted away.

"Austen novel?"

Emily nodded, "Like, look at how formally dressed some of the bride's relatives are! And a chunk of them at that table by the DJ booth are actually British! Did her mother fly in half the globe? I think I even saw a Korean guy!"

"Filipino, Emmy," Bella chuckled. "That would be the husband of Rosalie's high school exchange student buddy, Phillippa Hurst-Deogracias. She met him while working for a travel company, if I remember right."

Emily stared at Bella, "Have you secretly been the social butterfly?"

She shook her head, auburn waves dancing, "Phillippa was part of the ladies' night before sleepover shenanigans. We got to chatting. She's super fun, and her accent is too cute for words! But she can keep her vegemite all to herself." Bella shuddered, sticking out her tongue.

Ronan and Edward settled back down at the table, clutching the first of what Bella was sure would be many rounds at the open bar. Edward passed Bella her white wine and knocked back half of his Tom Collins in a single go.

"Hey cowboy! Slow down! The saloon's open late," Bella teased.

"You have no idea what you're in for when the parental revenge begins. I suggest you drink up, since you've been ordered to join us."

Bella sputtered, "Um, what? Edward, no way! I don't do spectacles! No, no, no!"

"But _Bella_!" Alice whined, dancing up behind them, "Rosalie needs you. You can't say no to Rosalie. She's pretty much your sister now."

Bella's forehead connected with the ornate tablecloth, thumping hard against the precious wood beneath, "Fuck," - _thump _- "My," - _thump_ - "Life."

"Hey you, that's my face you're mangling!" Edward gently chastised, thrusting his hand between Bella and the table. "Where's Jasper?"

"He's introducing the first dances," Alice replied, sipping at her sangria. "Oh YUM! Bella, screw straight wine. Sangria. It's perfectly balanced!"

"Edward, fetch me two," Bella demanded, her stomach turning at the thought of being dragged up in front of the entire Hale empire.

"No can do. There's the Jazzman with his Jazzhands," Ronan joked, earning a groan from Emily.

Clinking a wine glass, Jasper cleared his throat at the podium then began to speak, "On behalf of the bride and groom, I've been asked to provide a sort of introduction for their official introduction." A scattering of laughter broke out, and Jasper continued, "Typically, a couple settles on a song for their first dance, usually an affair that ends in agreement or compromise. However, as we all know Emmett and Rosalie, we surely anticipated that compromise would not be found in the area of music. Thus, they have chosen two songs - one from the groom to the bride, the other from bride to groom. The bride welcomes her friends and family to join in during her song, the latter of the two. Now, without further ado, Mr. And Mrs. Emmett and Rosalie Cullen!"

Hoots and applause greeted the beaming couple as they entered, Emmett bowing to Rose as they took the center of the dance floor. Rosalie curtsied, laughing heartily, before settling into his arms for the opening acoustic notes of Emmett's selection. Bella smiled, recognizing it immediately from Edward's collection as a beautiful Daniel Lanois cover.

"_Got a letter from a messenger  
I read it when it came  
It said that you were wounded  
You were bound and chained  
You had love and you were handled  
You were poisoned, you were pained  
Oh no, oh no, you were naked, you were shamed_

_You could almost touch heaven, right there in front of you  
Liberty just slipped away on us  
Now there's so much work to do  
Oh the door that closes tightly  
Is the door that can swing wide  
Oh no, oh no, not expecting to collide_

_For a minute, I let my guard down  
Not afraid to be found out  
Completely forgot, dear, what our fears were all about  
Oh no, oh no, there's no need to be without_

_If there's a chance, I would take it  
This desire, I can't kill, no  
Take my heart, please don't break it  
I would crawl to your foothill_

_I'm frightened, but I'm coming  
Please baby, please lay still  
Oh no, oh no  
I'm not coming for the kill._"

Bella dabbed at the corner of her eyes, cursing herself for being girly, "That was so perfect for the two of them, for everything they've gone through. It was a musical love letter."

Emily was full on weeping, sharing Alice's Kleenex stash, "I need that song on my iPod now."

"Get it together, ladies," Jasper whispered behind them, "We're joining them for the second number. And no, you can't say no; Bree has informed me the bride insists."

"She's milking the bride card," Ronan pretended to grumble.

Ethereal, up-tempo music cut off the applause of family and friends, several flashes going off from every angle as both the professional and amateur photographers worked to capture every moment of their dance. Bella imagined a flipbook effect and giggled to herself, waving away Edward's askance look. Rosalie's song, although upbeat, was extremely personal as well, given her journey to this moment.

"_Inside out, upside down twisting beside myself  
Stop that now, 'cause you and I were never meant to meet  
I think you better leave; it's not safe in here  
I feel a weakness coming on_

_Alright then - I could keep your number for a rainy day  
That's where this end - no mistakes, no misbehaving  
Oh, I was doing so well  
Can we just be friends?  
I feel a weakness coming on_..."

The three couples rose, creeping towards the floor, waving to Bree and her husband, as well as Phillippa and Ken. Bree nudged a younger version of herself - apparently a sister - and she rose shyly, taking the hand of a devastatingly beautiful man with jet-black hair. The ten of them remained on the fringe, the focus remaining on the couple of the day, but it was still enough that Rosalie's shoulders relaxed a little more. For the princess of her family, she loathed the spotlight, Bella noted. It made her that much more worthy of the attention, in her mind.

"_Inside out, upside down twisting beside myself  
Stop that now; you're as close as it gets without touching me  
Oh no, don't make it harder than it already is  
Mmm, I feel a weakness coming on_..."

Emmett and Rosalie were twirling around, a bastardized blend of ballroom and salsa, no longer on display for the sake of the upper crust of Rose's family. Rose seized Alice's hand and switched partners, Jasper and Emmett shrugging then moving into a tango for a laugh. Bella struggled to breathe, giggling until Bree stole her away from Edward, dipping her low to the floor as she squealed in shock. Edward applauded, tapping and cutting in on Emmett and Jasper, joining his brother in a waltzing tour of the dance floor.

Phillippa, not to be outdone, seized Rosalie and Bree's assumed sibling, the three of them forming a ring around Ronan and Emily, skipping and giggling. Bella and Bree demanded in, Bella and Rosalie singing along at the top of their lungs now. Edward had spoken the truth: Mrs. Hale had run the appearance of the day, but the reception's reins were firmly in the hands of the married couple.

"I'm Jess," Bree's sibling announced, giggling. "And my cousin is nuts!"

"Bella! And so am I, so it works!"

Jess laughed as the couples found their way back into their normal configurations, Alice lifted into the air in a tribute to _Dirty Dancing_. Edward pulled Bella closer, a groan caught in her throat as she felt a stirring in his delicious and flattering pants.

"_Big trouble, losing control  
Primary resistance at a critical low  
On the double, gotta get a hold  
Point of no return, one second to go_..."

"Mosh!" Rosalie shouted, and the group complied, earning hoots of approval from the younger guests and looks of astonishment from the more subdued company.

"_No response on any level, red alert  
This vessel's under siege  
Total overload, all systems down, they've got control  
There's no way out, we are surrounded  
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it_..."

Satisfied that the rules of their reception were clear, Emmett and Rosalie broke away from the group, yanking couples from the tables closest to the dance floor and urging them to join in. Of those willing to oblige, only one couple was somewhat older, although, from the way they matched Alice and Jasper on the floor, one would believe they were teenagers. Bree cheered them on, introducing them as her parents, Olivia and Colin Hale.

"Wow! They look so young!" Emily exclaimed.

"I was the 'whoops, lost our virginity and forgot the condom!' baby. Abstinence Education for the win? Mom was 15 when she had me; it was quite the scandal to the Hales." Bree rolled her eyes, nudging Jess, "At least you popped out after she turned 18."

Jess laughed, "And then I ran off at 16 to London and married a so-called trashy Liverpool boy, didn't I, Devon?" she said, nudging her husband playfully.

"Shagged her right proper; she couldn't refuse," Devon replied, winking at the men.

"Do you still live there?" Alice asked.

Jess beamed, "Of course! I love it there. It's gloomy, sure, but from what I've seen of Forks, it's bloody comparable. Plus, no Auntie Lilian," she added, rolling her eyes at an obviously flustered mother of the bride.

"Seriously, she needs to take the stick out of her ass!" Jasper grumbled. "She adjusted my tie. Do you know how bloody warped that is?"

"How dare she put her hands on my man?" Alice gasped. "Lemme at her!"

Jasper's hands quickly snaked around Alice's waist, yanking her against him, "Babydoll, relax. Dance with me. More sangria?"

"Down, Aly-Cat," Edward echoed. "The best revenge is the group of us partying our asses off, in salute to our friends."

Alice settled down, skipping off to the bar with Jasper. How she made it on kitten heels without stumbling, Bella couldn't say; Alice was more graceful inebriated than Bella on her best days.

"I love your dress," Jess gushed to Emily. "Where's it from?"

Emily blushed, smoothing the delicate royal purple fabric, "I bought it last year in Toronto; I went up for an arts conference, and spotted it in this store in the mall."

"The ruffles along the neckline are so sweet," Phillippa agreed, dressed in ice-blue strapless silk. "It's romantic!"

"And yet, your neck's on display, demanding I violate it," Ronan growled, nipping at Emily's exposed flesh.

"Down, boy!" Emily giggled.

Edward swept Bella into another dance, the two of them giggling their way through Counting Crows and one of their personal favourites, Van Morrison's Brown-Eyed Girl, before Bella demanded sangria of her own. In spite of the madness of the reception festivities, she hadn't forgotten Edward's warning of her demanded presence for what might possibly vex Lilian Hale more so than the impromptu mosh pit created by her daughter. After one taste, Bella concurred with Alice: rich people knew amazing bartenders and caterers, apparently. It then occurred to her that the Cullens were extremely well-off in their own right, and her stomach bottomed out, recalling Rosalie's teasing in the dressing room.

"Bella!" Alice shouted from across the tent, "You must come here!"

Bella and Edward obeyed, joining Alice and Jasper at what resembled an old-fashioned photo booth. From within, a couple giggled as flashes burst quickly. Alice brought them to a cheerful woman dressed in a sleek black satin gown, her hair in a loose French twist, fretting over a computer and photo printer.

"This is Amanda, one of the photography entourage hired for today. She's in charge of the most awesome thing I have ever seen at a wedding, and I simply must have one at my own!"

Amanda grinned, "Judging from the reception so far, the bride and groom are probably looking forward to my work as much as the shots of the ceremony."

"Is this what it looks like?" Bella asked, tilting her head to peek inside the flashing mini-tent.

"It's a photo booth, basically. Think of those machines you'd pump a buck or two into, and get a strip of photos in return. This is the same thing, only better quality equipment! We give you the chance to be silly or sweet for the couple, and you take home a strip of photos for yourselves, with the ability to order enlargements later. The bride and groom get an album compiled of all of the photos, sort of a visual guestbook."

A buxom blonde and her date, a muscular guy covered in ink, emerged from the booth, laughing wildly as Amanda printed their strips, "That was awesome! Emm's gonna die!"

"You look familiar," Edward mused aloud.

The blonde nodded excitedly, "I'm Jen, from the shop? Well, I used to work there, before I went back to college. I introduced Emmett and Rosalie, actually."

"Really? How'd that happen?" Alice asked.

Jen grinned, "Well, I answered phones and booked customers in for appointments, usually, but sometimes, I helped with oil changes. Anyway, Rosalie came in with a nearly flat tire - stumbled onto our shop, really - and Emmett took care of her. I could tell right away that he was ass over tea kettle for her, so when he said he'd noticed a problem with the axle itself, I made sure I booked her follow-up with him the next day. Rosalie was really skittish of dating him, but I talked him up something fierce. I invited her to our weekly bar night and she agreed... And the rest is history!"

Bella smiled, "That's a sweet story! I've never heard them talk about how they met."

"Probably because Emmett had to grovel and beg," Jen winked. "It was nice meeting you, but Scott and I have to get more drinks."

Alice gestured to the photo booth, "Go on, you two!"

Bella grimaced, "Alice, you know how I feel about pictures..."

"But it's for Emm and Rose! And how often do you get free professional quality photos as a couple, hmm?"

She had a point - and Edward very obviously was in favour of the idea. Throwing her hands up, Bella assented. Alice shoved them into the 'booth' and scurried away to find Jasper - and possibly, another drink.

"I'm only doing this if we can do at least one ridiculous and twisted pose," Bella stated immediately.

Edward grinned, "Two for four, I was thinking."

"This is why I love you," Bella murmured. "Now, what first?"

"I was thinking one weird face shot, one blatantly sexual shot, and two nice ones, all couple-like?"

Bella snickered, "Rocker poses on three?"

Settling beside each other, the two of them stuck out their tongues and flashed their horns, struggling not to laugh as the timer counted down from five, then flashed. After some debate, Bella straddled Edward's waist, Amanda promising her ass wasn't hanging entirely out, while Edward winked and made it look as if she were about to be spanked. Bella looked over her shoulder at the camera, feigning the innocence of a Lolita. Flash number two went off and Bella struggled to find a decent pose, smoothing her dress. Flash three found them snuggled together, Edward's arm around her as she leaned into his chest; flash four caught them on the verge of a soft kiss, having forgotten momentarily that a fourth shot was pending.

"And that's a wrap!" Amanda called out cheerily. "Lovely, you two. They're going to enjoy these, I'm sure."

As their strips printed out, Edward asked, "So, who went raunchier: us or Alice and Jasper?"

Bella smacked his arm hard as Amanda grinned, "Equally bad for pose, but your dress is shorter, so I'd say you two won!"

"YES!" Edward cheered.

"I really don't know if I should be proud of that, Edward," Bella hedged.

"Alice picked your dress, right? Tell her she cost herself the victory by forcing her wardrobe choices on you," Edward answered, accepting the photos and leading them towards the dance floor.

"Ooh, I like that angle! Makes wearing this handkerchief masquerading as a dress worthwhile," Bella joked.

Emmett and Rosalie were finally free to chat, having done their duty in thanking all of the guests whose cash envelopes would likely pay for half the wedding. The two of them seemed a little weary, but still exhilarated, particularly as Emmett chatted with their DJ for the evening. After confirming that his revenge was queued up after the next song, he sent Bree off to locate the Hales and Carlisle and then turned to the assembled friends.

"Alright, guys, here it is: Lilian has made Rosie miserable for months with her demands, and since I'm told I'm supposed to loathe my mother-in-law anyway, I figure we'll have fun. I'll be dancing with Mrs. Hale while Rose gets to take Dad for a spin, to an innocent song. Then, our gal Heather here," he continued, gesturing to the brunette behind the computers and assorted sound gear, "will change the song up to a fitting tribute."

"And that would be?" Bella demanded.

Rosalie winked, "Tell 'em, baby."

"Here's a hint: The Fresh Prince."

Alice laughed so hard she nearly fell down, "Parents!"

Bella stared askance at Rosalie, "Won't your mom, like, kill you for this?"

Rosalie shrugged, "Fuck it! It's our night, our party. My dad'll probably laugh his ass off; he knows what she's like better than anyone."

"Where do we come in?" Jasper asked.

"The four of you will join us on the floor once the first chorus hits, or Lilian bails, whichever comes first," Emmett whispered, glancing around. "Are we all clear?"

The four of them nodded, and hung near Heather, who was scrolling impatiently through a digital playlist in frustration. Bella glanced over and asked what was wrong.

"Ugh!" Heather groaned, "I've been ordered by the dragon lady to find this old song I hate, and even though it's popular for weddings, I think I deleted it out of spite from my set."

"What song?"

"Wonderful World, by Sam Cooke. Apparently she danced to it at her wedding?" Heather groaned, kicking the stool beneath her. "Shit! Why didn't she put it on the must-play list three weeks ago?"

"Because she's a bitch?" Bella replied cheerily, digging into her purse, "Lucky for you, I have it on my iPod. You can just jack it in, can't you?"

"Yes! Holy shit! Thanks so much," Heather gushed, scrolling through the menu, "I have to ask: why?"

"It was on the soundtrack for a fanfiction I read years ago," Bella confessed sheepishly.

"Really?" Heather laughed. "What fandom?"

Bella felt herself flush crimson, "RPF. Kristen Bell, Jason Dohring and Joshua Jackson break into a Scientology Center to save Katie and Suri from Tom Cruise."

"That sounds awesome! What's it called? I'm looking that shit up."

"The Liberation of Katie Holmes," Bella answered. "And hey, as a favour, could you play a song for me?"

Heather grinned, the Sam Cooke song floating through the speakers, "No problem, just name it."

"I have it on my iPod - Fair by Remy Zero? I'm kinda in love with it this week."

Heather winked, "I have it. _Garden State_, right? Done! Oh, looks like it's show time..."

The Hales and Carlisle Cullen were approaching, accompanied by a gloating Bree, her expression clearly indicating her knowledge and support of Emmett's prank. Emmett nodded to Heather, who clicked around on her keyboard as Bree announced the parent-child dances were about to commence. Bella noticed that beneath the polished evening gown and elegantly coiffed hair, Mrs. Hale looked somewhat drained and perhaps a touch exasperated with the _demanding_ task of dancing with her son-in-law. _Well, considering what he's about to pull, she has good reason_, Bella thought, shaking her head. If Emmett dared try anything of this sort on her, there would be hell to pay. The Sam Cooke song that was the bane of the DJ's existence blended into an old Madonna song, at which point a small clearing became apparent in the crowd. The videographers and photographers were at the ready, prompting Edward to whisper of how many edits they'd be making for the family-friendly version of things.

The bridge of the song peaked, Carlisle and Rosalie looking content as they chatted, while Lilian looked positively bored as Emmett playfully gabbed at her, when suddenly, the music cut as if a record were being scratched.

"Here we go," Alice giggled.

And there it was: DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince kicking in with their hit, Parents Just Don't Understand. Carlisle feigned confusion briefly, then shrugged, joining Rosalie in throwing his hands up and dancing. Lilian, as predicted, stared in shock, flushed crimson, then stomped over to the DJ booth. Mr. Hale caught her by the arm, suppressing a grin as Bella heard him point out how dreadfully ill-mannered she would look, should she attack the hired help. With a grunt, she flashed a fake smile at the cameras and guests, then mumbled about needing the bathroom. George Hale, left alone on the fringe of married couple and Carlisle grooving happily, chuckled and asked Bree to dance.

"One minute, seven seconds!" Emmett hooted. "Get out here, everybody!"

It really was true for Lilian Hale: she just didn't understand her daughter, not one bit. And when she never returned to the party, citing a 'headache' via her husband, no one missed her.

* * *

By the time the cake was cut, many of the more elitist guests had departed, unable to withstand the combined musical preferences of Emmett and Rosalie or the frantic, wild dancing that accompanied the proceedings. Emmett had ditched his tie and loosened his collar, definitely tipsy as he and Rosalie shoved cake into each other's faces.

"They're wonderful together," Jess gushed, feeding a bit to Devon.

"Absolutely," echoed Phillippa. "They're in love, unconditionally. It's how it should be."

"Too bad it isn't always like this," mused another guest nearby. "Then again, it's that much more beautiful when it's this rare."

Bella turned to her left, taking in the unknown speaker. Although very pretty in a girl-next-door sort of manner, something in her eyes betrayed a much older soul. Bella understood it well: it was the same pained knowledge in the mirror each day, staring back at her. With a soft smile, she introduced herself to the guest.

"Bella? Rose speaks fondly of you," the woman replied, "I'm Taryn."

"Rose talks about me?" Bella asked, confused.

Taryn nodded, "None of it's bad, I promise you. I work with Rose at the women's shelter each week, helping abused women get their lives together. We've been through similar experiences in our lives, if you follow me..."

Bella nodded solemnly, "I do. But I'm not quite sure where I fit in-"

"She's protective of you. I don't know the details, but she expressed that you were in a horrible situation some time ago, and was struggling with the urge to seek vengeance for you. You see, Bella, one of the hardest things is understanding that we often want revenge - violent revenge - on those who harm others, partially in a retribution against those who've wronged us. But violence is never an answer; freedom is. We try to focus on giving that."

Bella reflected on this, thinking back to early in the afternoon, when she'd genuinely been ready to strike out at anyone who dared hurt Rosalie. It was so easy to turn that fear around, lash out at others, paying forward the misery. Taryn made a hell of a lot of sense.

"Where is this shelter?" Bella asked softly.

"Port Angeles," she replied. "For the safety of the women there, we don't mention the exact address to non-staff. If you're interested in helping, ask Rosalie - after her honeymoon, of course," Taryn added, laughing. "She's waited a long time for this."

"Absolutely. Thank you, really. I have a lot of free time, and would love to help."

The two of them broke apart from their hushed conversation as Olivia Hale wandered near, beaming, hands clutching plates of wedding cake, "Hello ladies! Have you had cake yet? It's sinful!"

"Um, no; we got distracted momentarily," Bella replied sheepishly, accepting a plate, "I'd love some, though, thank you!"

"There you are!" Edward exclaimed from behind her, "I thought you'd run off on me."

"Well, I tried to pick her up," Taryn joked, "But she said something about her heart belonging to some dashing young man, so I gave up. Nice meeting you, Bella."

Bella waved goodbye, sighing as she sank against Edward's chest, leaning lazily as she ate her piece of cake. Just beyond the tent's borders, she vaguely discerned Alice and Jasper, wandering out into the dimly lit gardens, hand in hand. She pointed them out to Edward, who groaned and shook his head.

"Can't they wait?"

Bella shook her head, "When has Alice ever displayed patience, even sober?"

"Good point," Edward conceded. "But a little restraint wouldn't kill her."

"For all you know, she's just going to give him a hummer. That's restrained," Bella teased.

"UGH! Bitchella, that's wretched. Mental pictures!" Edward wailed.

"Why in the hell would you be able to picture your sister at all, hmm?"

Edward sighed, "Bella, I'm a man. I have a cock. The curse of the damn thing is it can picture _anyone_ in a sexual scenario, without regard for taste or sanity."

"I'm so glad I have two X chromosomes," she chuckled, whistling low.

"Swan!" a familiar voice rang out nearby. "You owe me a dance!"

Bella and Edward spun, staring quizzically at a very drunk Ronan and a giddy Emily. _This is not going to go well_, Bella groaned inwardly. Ronan had pathetic coordination when intoxicated, while Bella had zero coordination after her... seven drinks? She'd lost count.

"Mick, you can't possibly be serious!"

Ronan nodded, snatching her away from Edward, "I made a request 'specially for you."

By the time she'd been stumble-dragged to the dance floor, Bella buckled forward, giggling wildly: Rihanna's Breakin' Dishes had just begun to spin. Ronan was laughing just as hard as he began to move in the manner known as 'hopeless white boy', proud of himself for beating Bella to the punch.

"You finally 'fessing up to loving her, Mick?" Bella asked playfully.

"You drive me round the goddamn bend, Swan, but at least we have a special joke," Ronan replied, pulling her closer. "I'm just glad I still have you to joke with, ya know?"

Bella blushed, reaching up to rub his bald head lovingly, "You've always stuck by me, Ro. You're one of the most compassionate, yet tough love-espousing bastards around."

"Fucking right!" Ronan enthused. "You better remember this when choosing your man of honour."

"What the fuck is up with everyone and their goddamn wedding cracks today?" Bella ranted. "I'm not a marriage fan. Do you not recall my parents, Ro? Why would I be in a hurry to ruin shit? Why would Edward?"

Ronan chuckled, "Look, Little Sister Bitchy Pants: if I'm fucking getting married - and you pretty much have forced my hand on that - then you can consider it, too. Being here today, with my firecracker Em, I look around, and I can just tell who should stay together and who shouldn't. You can tell when a couple's meant to be, Swan. Look at Emmett and Rosalie, or Alice and Jasper-"

"Or you and Emily," Bella interrupted.

"Or you and Edward," Ronan countered, twirling Bella around, "Then, you look at half of Rosalie's family, and you wonder why they even _live together_, let alone got married. They're so stiff and miserable. It's shitty and it... It ruins marriage."

Bella laughed at the absurd expression on Ronan's face, "So, you propose to save marriage by forcing all of your friends to get hitched with you?"

"YES!" Ronan shrieked, earning stares from a nearby group of guests, "Yes, Bells. Look at you and I: we never saw a good union, so we don't think much of it. If more good couples married, we'd be giving fuckin' hope to the masses! I swear to God, this is not a drunken brain spaz; it just makes so much sense. But the point is, I'm your best friend, and I insist on being at your side when you finally give in."

"And what about me, huh? You're eloping, asshat. I won't be there."

Ronan shook his head, "Um, yeah, you will. I already mentioned it to Edward. You two are coming with us. Someone's gotta witness it!"

"I swear to God, I'm invited to more weddings in the next year than I've ever even heard about in my life," Bella groaned. "You know I hate being girly."

"So wear jeans," Ronan shrugged, "I plan to." Rihanna faded into an old J. Geils tune, and Ronan managed a clumsy bow, "Thank you, m'lady. Now, time for me to catch that garter-"

"Wait, what?"

"Emmett's gonna cheat," Ronan whispered, winking. "Testing more waters with Emily."

"Oh, for fuck's sake!"

Bella laughed, stepping back and watching as Emmett mauled his wife publicly, his teeth retrieving a baby blue garter from beneath her dress. A large cluster of young men gathered as Emmett led a rousing chorus of Centerfold in Rosalie's honour, before standing up on a chair. Incredibly, he looked one way and feigned an accidental release in the other direction, the garter landing neatly on Ronan's shiny head.

"Son of a bitch," Bella gasped.

Emily scampered over to her inebriated boyfriend, toying with the garter, a twinkle in her eye. _As if he really needed more evidence that she's hopelessly in love with him_, Bella thought. As she turned to find Edward, she found herself seized roughly by Alice and Jess, each dragging her by an arm towards the centre of the floor.

"Wait! Hey!"

Jess laughed, "By order of your family and friends, your presence is requested for the tossing of the bride's bouquet."

"NO! No fucking way! Really, I don't want to get married," Bella pleaded, her buzz suddenly verging on plastered. "Alice! Why!"

Alice giggled, "It's tradition! Besides, there's like, what, forty women here? If you don't want to catch it, then just stand there. Someone else will beat you to it."

Bella found herself snared in a throng of giddy women, a familiar Rilo Kiley song blaring as Rosalie danced around, singing into the hand-bound bundle of calla lilies and pink daisies. _Well, fine,_ Bella decided. _I'll just stand here with my arms crossed and smile, waiting for some eager beaver to grab it_. She hummed along with Jenny Lewis and Rosalie as they sang: "_It's bad news/Baby, I'm bad news/I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news..._" Lost in her own world, singing in her head, Bella was secure in her 'hiding in plain sight strategy', waiting out the toss while nodding her head to the music.

That is, until the bouquet landed in the crook of her arms.

Rosalie cheered along with the crowd, Emmett helping her down from the chair, as Bella stood aghast, barely hearing Alice as she chirped about 'destiny' or something of the sort.

"No fucking way..." she whispered.

"That was a crazy catch!" Alice squealed. "I've never seen anything like it!"

"No, I didn't... I wasn't even looking up!" Bella wailed. "Alice, take it."

"Nuh-uh; you caught it, so you're stuck with it."

Bella waved the flowers at Alice, her eyes pleading for mercy, "Alice, I can't take anymore 'get married, Bella' shit today. Please, have them. Please?"

"I'm pretty sure it's bad luck for the bride, or an insult, even. You wouldn't want to do that to Rose, would you?" Alice batted her eyes, smiling innocently.

"You fucking suck, Tink."

Edward soon saved her from the amused grins of their friends, whisking her away to the opposite end of the dance floor for a slow dance. The flowers made her skin crawl, memories of her parents' divorce haunting her now. _Why, universe? Why are you doing this to me? Seriously, why?_ Her mother had never wanted to marry again after her father, content to merely date. She'd told Bella that love was simply too difficult to trust, that she couldn't endure that suffocating pain again, that sense of failure.

"You okay?" Edward asked softly.

"Yeah, of course."

"Then why are you mutilating your beautiful lip?" Edward countered gently. "Come on; let's take a walk in the fresh air."

The air was crisp beyond the throng of bodies in the tent, the darkness soothing after the persistent glare of lights and blaring noise. They walked, hands joined, meandering through the same gardens Alice and Jasper had wandered into earlier, although Bella spared Edward the mental agony of that image and remained mute. Beyond a cluster of white rose bushes lay an elegant antique bench, upon which they settled, Bella laying her aching feet across his lap, her shoes kicked off onto the cobblestone pathway.

"I've got this scene stuck in my head right now, from _Alice In Wonderland_," Bella giggled, pointing to the rose bushes.

"Which one?"

"You know, 'painting the roses red'? Because I can see Lilian Hale terrifying some gardener like that.`

The two of them laughed in agreement, Bella then humming the Disney tune to herself, staring up at the stars, feeling infinitely better in the chilly night air.

"Hey, Bella?"

"Mmm?"

"Can I ask you something?"

Bella shrugged, "Of course you can."

Edward's brow furrowed, weighing his words carefully before speaking, "Why are you so afraid of marriage?"

Bella sighed, "Edward, really?"

"I overheard you just now with Alice," he continued, gesturing to the bouquet Bella reluctantly laid on her lap, "I know how happy you are for Rose and Alice, and you were one of the biggest fans of Ronan deciding to get hitched in Vegas. But any hint of the word around you, and you get this look... I'm not saying it's right or wrong; I just want to understand."

Bella sighed, running a hand through her sweat-dampened hair, "That's fair enough. Okay, let me explain it: I believe people can marry and be happy. I believe in staying with the person you love forever. I don't think it's a stupid idea, per se. But Edward, you have to understand that my parents? They fell apart, so much so that my mother moved several states over. She swore never to marry again, and she would tell me why, over and over, as a little girl. My dad doesn't even date. So when I think of marriage, I just imagine the worst, and think of how devastated my mom would look when I'd ask her why she and Dad couldn't work it out and... I don't want to feel that. I don't. I'm terrified of it."

Edward smiled reassuringly, leaning to kiss her cheek, "I understand completely. I'm sure if I were in your shoes, I'd probably be just as adamant and scared. What it comes down to, I think, is knowing each other, seeing every flaw, and knowing you love everything about someone. Marriage is a huge thing, and I think people often rush it, or don't know each other before they jump into it. Bella, how long did your parents know each other before getting married?"

"Nine months, maybe?" Bella replied.

"And they got married?"

"Well..." Bella flicked out her barbell, biting down on it, "It was a shotgun wedding."

Edward mulled this over for a minute, "Bella, if they married because of propriety, isn't it possible they would have decided, if your beautiful self hadn't come along, to break up before wedding each other?"

Bella nodded slowly, "But it still... Marriages go wrong, Edward."

"We almost went wrong," Edward countered. "And it brought us closer than ever, I think... Don't you feel it?"

"Feel what?" Bella asked quietly.

"Security. Trust. I don't ever doubt you, Bella. I never even consider you looking at anyone else, or leaving, because I just _know_ that you love me the way I love you. I know there's nothing I can tell you that will make you leave, and I know nothing you tell me will drive me away from your side again. We may fight, and we might get angry, but I never doubt the happy ending."

His words struck her heart with precision, an arrow to her core, to that tiny golden thread that bound her to this world, no matter what her days brought. Even when her moods bottomed out, when even showering seemed an insurmountable task, that thread tethered her to this world, to Edward. She _did_ feel it: he would never judge her, never leave her again, unless she willed it so - and he would fight her on that, should she demand it.

He was her gravity.

"I do. I feel it. I feel too many things, I think," Bella confessed.

"Can I ask you one more question?" he whispered. "I just want an honest answer, Bella. My love for you won't change in any way, regardless of what you might say."

Bella frowned, anxiety swimming in her stomach, "Okay..."

Edward's hand interlaced with hers, his green eyes fixed upon her own, staring intently. He had yet to speak, but Bella heard the question loud and clear. It was in his posture, in the way his hand squeezed her own. It was in the way his opposite hand reached out to graze her cheek, tracking her jawbone to her chin, thumb brushing her lips. Her own hand reached out, her finger pressing to his lips as he moved to speak at last, muffling the lonely syllable that managed to escape capture.

"Yes," she whispered.

Edward's eyes widened, his hand pulling hers away in confusion, "But Bella, you don't know what-"

"I do," she insisted. "Edward, I know you. I studied you for weeks in group, long before we spoke. I've come to know your deepest fears and secrets, and exchanged mine with you. But above and beyond that, I understand that I _always_ have known you. I have always been waiting for you. You _did_ ask me, just now. I said yes. Please don't make me chicken out by questioning it?"

His hand fumbled in his pants pocket, extracting a small velvet bag. It trembled fiercely in his palm as he fumbled with the closure. Bella almost threw up when at last, the ring was in his left hand, his right seeking hers, but she shook the fear away. _Destiny, right? Alice said it..._ With baited breath, she allowed Edward to slip the engagement ring onto her shuddering finger, staring in wonder and shock. The platinum band was smooth, shimmering in the moonlight, but the rounded setting housing what seemed to Bella to be an enormous diamond - a full carat, guessing from Alice's own engagement ring's monster stone. It twinkled knowingly at her, almost a wink. Stifling all objections to the cost and size, never mind the panicked _MARRIAGE IS SCARY!_ alarm sounding in her skull, she pulled Edward on top of her, kissing him with all of the love and passion he inspired in her. He returned her fire in kind, their mouths tangled together as Bella hooked her leg around his waist, clinging to him desperately. When they emerged for air, panting and somewhat dishevelled, Edward was beaming.

"I was sure you'd say no," he whispered. "And I was okay with that, for now."

"Me, too," Bella admitted, "But I trust you. I trust _us_. Just promise me we won't do _this_,_" _she said, gesturing to the opulence within the tent. "I can't handle a three-ring circus."

"Neither can I. This is fucking ridiculous," Edward grumbled. "I was actually thinking... well, we have a lot of time to think. Don't spook the girl, Edward!" he chastised himself.

"And Alice marries first," Bella added. "I'm sure that'll buy me two years or so to get used to the idea."

Edward grinned, "Deal. Shall we head back?"

Bella gasped, "Oh fuck, yes! I forgot about the surprise."

"What surprise?"

Bella shook her finger at Edward as she slid her heels back on, "Nuh-uh. I vowed to keep it secret. Come on, we'd better hurry!"

Edward joined her in her tipsy-stumbling half-jog back to the tent, his footing not much more steady than hers as they giggled and laughed. Bella begged him to not point out the rock on her hand, to which he replied he'd already confessed his plans to Ronan and Alice, and insisted they play dumb and ignore the ring for the night. "After all," he concluded, "This is Emm and Rosalie's day."

"Bella!" Alice shouted from within the tent as they approached, "Where have you been? We've been waiting on you."

"I needed air," Bella answered, waving the bouquet in her right hand, "It's your own damn fault for making me catch this. Speaking of, Edward, I need you to hold them."

"Of course, love."

"And stay close to the DJ booth," Bella added, disappearing through the crowd in pursuit of Alice.

Rosalie was already setting up with Heather's assistance when they arrived, "There you are! This was your bright idea, Bella, remember?"

"It's only fair that everyone be humiliated as I was," Bella countered. "Besides, you're awesome at this. Song all set?"

"Check!" Heather called out. "Both mics are good to go, ladies."

"I can't believe we're doing this," Rosalie mumbled. "Haven't I been on parade enough?"

"This is for our men," Alice stated emphatically. "Besides, what are you worried about? Not all of us did years of musical theatre, Mrs. Cullen."

"Okay, okay!" Rosalie conceded, grinning as she hugged the two of them. "Thank you both, for making this day perfect. Without you two and Bree, I would have lost my mind entirely."

Rosalie gestured to Heather, who cut the music abruptly, efficiently directing the attention of the remaining guests towards the trio of women, "Hey everybody! Before Emm and I take off for places much sunnier and warmer than the Olympic Peninsula, the three of us have a little gift for our guys. Would you three scooch up to the front, please?"

Their expressions ranging from bewildered to bewitched, the men they loved were shuffled to the front of the crowd, eyes transfixed on the objects of their affections.

"So, last night, Bella complained because the Jack and Jill had a moment of imbalance - namely, the men were only treated to her vocal skills - which are fierce, no matter what this bitch says!" Rose added, grinning. "In fairness, Alice and I agreed to put ourselves on the line. But what song, we all wondered? It took a lot of thinking, and a _lot _of wine, but we found a song that echoed all three of our hearts... and here we go!"

The music kicked in, and Bella swallowed hard, wishing she was just a little more inebriated, a little too dizzy to see the 80 or so guests still at the reception. Thankfully, her part was small. Rosalie took the solo mic and began to sing, her gorgeous soprano filling the tent.

"_Hey, slow it down  
Whataya want from me? Whataya want from me?  
Yeah, I'm afraid  
Whataya want from me? Whataya want from me?_"

Rosalie strolled closer to Emmett, sashaying her hips as she flipped her hair back over her shoulders. Emmett's gaping jaw made Bella giggle quietly; apparently, he'd never seen Rose sing.

"_There might have been a time when I would give myself away  
Oh, once upon a time, I didn't give a damn  
But now, here we are  
So whataya want from me? Whataya want from me_?"

With a nod exchanged between them, Alice and Bella stepped up to their mic, joining Rosalie on the chorus with the gusto of those who have been drinking for hours.

"_Just don't give up, I'm working it out  
Please don't give in, I won't let you down  
It messed me up, need a second to breathe  
Just keep comin' around  
Hey, whataya want from me?  
Whataya want from me? Whataya want from me?_"

Rosalie edged backwards, passing Alice the solo mic as she skipped up towards Jasper, grinning.

"_Yeah, it's plain to see that baby, you're beautiful  
And there's nothing wrong with you  
It's me, I'm a freak  
But thanks for lovin' me, 'cause you're doin' it perfectly_."

With a glance at her ring finger, Bella took the lead, eyes fixed on Edward's awe-struck face.

"_Yeah, there might have been a time when I would let you slip away  
I wouldn't even try  
But I think you could save my life._"

She winked as her friends rejoined her for the chorus, hoping Edward would understand why she'd chosen these lines. They echoed their first night, their desperation to feel, to be saved, even if neither believed it possible. And he had saved her life, in every possible way, against the odds.

Rosalie belted out the lead, going for broke, as Bella and Alice echoed the bride, dancing for the joy of it. By the final chorus, the entire crowd was singing along, their men included. It was a glorious, fitting ending to the night, as each woman expressed her gratitude to the man who'd stood by her: Emmett, who'd helped Rosalie find faith and trust again; Jasper, who'd consoled Alice through the loss of her mother and Edward's illness; and Edward, who had literally found Bella on the verge of death and willed her to fight back, to stay alive. The song completed, Emmett threw Rosalie over his shoulder, announcing that they were done for the night, and Bella mercifully was able to fade into the background, where Edward waited patiently.

"I feel done, too," Edward murmured in her ear, "You were incredible."

"Oh hush," Bella replied, leaning against him.

"I'll convince you of your many talents someday," Edward vowed, handing her back the bouquet as they meandered towards the main house.

"Impossible. I cannot be swayed," Bella insisted playfully, leaning against the house.

"Two people whose wills cannot be swayed... what if we just try anyway?" Edward asked, winking.

Bella sighed happily as Edward leaned down for a kiss, "Sway me, Cullen. Try..."

* * *

_Chapter End Notes:_

_**Bella's engagement ring:**_

_tiffany[dot]ca/Engagement/Item[dot]aspx?GroupSKU=GRP10009#f+0/0/0/3001/4005/4005_

_Only the epilogue remains! Review, review; let's push this baby over 1300 and celebrate well, everything!_

_I should also have one of the outtakes up soon; make sure you're subscribed to alerts for the Lost Moments. Continue suggesting what you'd like to see!_

_Did anyone catch the 'back to the beginning' references?_


	41. Epilogue

_AN:_

_At last, we come to the end... as all good things must. I've known where we would be since chapter 16 or so, so it's a little crazy but also fulfilling to finally be here._

_**There will be outtakes and lost moments to come, so before you do anything else, make sure you are subscribed for updates for the Lost Moments collection:**_

_fanfiction[dot]net/s/6375121/1/Lost_Moments_Tattoos_Like_Mile_Markers_

_All set? Good! More on the outtakes at the end._

* * *

_**Playlist:**_

_Another Day - Rent *quoted*_  
_ Calling All Angels - Train *quoted*_  
_ Pillar of Davidson - Live *quoted*_  
_ Gone Away - The Offspring_  
_ Roosterspur Bridge - Tori Amos_  
_ Eve - Chantal Kreviazuk *quoted*_  
_ Made For Each Other (You Can Breathe) - Jack's Mannequin_  
_ We Used To Wait - Arcade Fire *quoted* **because my readers know who they are, damn it! LOL**_

* * *

_**ONE HUGE ASS THANK YOU AND DEDICATION. INDULGE ME**_

_This story would not exist without the support of its readers; your reviews have kept me sane and kept me motivated to complete this monster. I also thank my patient and understanding fiancé, who never judges me for hours spent plotting and writing, but rather praises me. _

_I also need to thank my friends, my family, my beloved cats, Dr. M., Michelle and Dr. B., without whose assistance, mentorship, love and/or support, I would likely be dead. Even if my genetics are, to quote Repo!, "such a bitch," I will survive and thrive. That's more than we believed possible, once, and it's a good thing._

_I set out on this journey to explore the realities of mental illness - specifically mood disorders and self-destructive behaviours - in hopes of educating, informing and also, for those who have been there (like me), reassuring you that you can and will make it. You can also have a loving relationship, with work and effort; don't let anyone tell you that you are too defective, or unworthy. You are neither of these things. The number of confessional reviews I received for this story has touched me; none of your words will be forgotten._

_This story, finally, is dedicated to the memory of my grandfather, and to that of N.B., one of us who didn't make it._

_If you are struggling with mental illness, you are not alone. Please contact your local crisis line, seek a doctor's aid, tell a friend... To quote a song, "No one should brave the Underworld alone."_

* * *

_July 26th, 2010_

Music wasn't working. Pinching herself failed miserably. Even punching the shower wall had yielded only an agonizing pain, and fear of broken bones that quickly brought her back to the same unbelievable conclusion she'd reached after each ridiculous attempt:

Bella wasn't dreaming. This day - and all that came with it - was here.

"Happy not-42nd birthday, Mom," she whispered to herself, nudging the volume higher on her laptop as she methodically combed her hair.

42... The answer to everything, wasn't it, depending on who you asked? But for her, it was no answer, no means of understanding. She would never understand how she'd come to be here, 22 and without a mother. The mystical 'they' once suggested that time could heal all wounds, but Bella had an enormous rebuttal to that cliché, complete with obscene finger gestures. While it was easier to breathe now, there was no healing the cracks in her heart and soul, no soothing the ache in her chest on days like these, where she became acutely aware of her mother's absence.

And then, there was Rachel... Two years ago, she'd lost the sister she'd always wanted, the innocence that was, for a time, the one thing that tethered Bella to her sanity, reminding her of beauty and hope. While Jacob and Ronan had done their best to pull her back from the brink of destruction, she knew in her core that the truck incident would have been much sooner, were it not for the laughter and wit of Rachel - never mind her inner bullshit detector, cutting through Bella's vague words and guarded expressions.

"_I can't control my destiny. I trust my soul, my only goal is just to be..._"

Bella hummed along with the music, her hands fisted at her sides. Michelle had assured her that it was normal to struggle harder on the painful days, the mile markers of her life that were splashed in bloody regret; it wasn't weakness, she'd insisted, but rather, her mind seeking relief. It didn't make the urge to lock the door and seize the razor on the side of the tub any easier to resist. Bella looked to the sparkling stone on her left hand, forcing herself to take a deep breath. _You can do this. You are not alone_. And yet, her throat was full of sand, unable to call out for her rescue.

_Edward. Just call Edward, stupid!_

"_The fire is out anyway!  
No day but today..._"

Rachel would be seventeen now, if she hadn't... She would be preparing for college, choosing which Ivy League school was worthy of her time - or perhaps she would have surprised them all, and picked some tiny school, or stayed in Seattle. Maybe she'd have a boyfriend, giving Jacob grey hair in his twenties as he followed her around, looking to ensure her chastity. She _should_ be here, but thanks to Bella, she was lost to the ether.

"Bella?" a voice quietly inquired from the living room.

Her mouth opened and closed helplessly, her mind flashing to a strange image of Rachel, standing in a vat of cement, smiling. Had she dreamed it, at some point, and forgotten? And what did it mean? Bella's eyes squeezed shut, her nails digging into her palms as she ordered herself to inhale then exhale. Strong arms wrapped around her from behind and her taut limbs released into the soft shelter, her head lolling back against Edward's chest.

"Breathe," he whispered gently. "Just breathe through it."

Inhale, exhale: it was simple enough that infants managed it, yet it seemed insurmountable now, in the face of the horrors on loop in her mind's eye. Bella's hands felt clammy, as if pulled from the turbulent waters of First Beach anew, and the scent of salt and cedar seemed to fill her skull, a sickening perfume that turned her stomach. _Inhale and exhale_. He coached her through it, his voice her evidence that she was home, that when her eyes opened, there would not be a broken body staring lifelessly at her across a beach.

"Bella, you have to calm down. Breathe, love. Let go."

His hands found hers, tugging her fists open and interlacing their fingers. _Let go_. If only it were as simple as wishing it so. Her eyes fluttered open, finding his green pupils in the mirror and locking their gaze upon them.

The song had shifted, her almost torturous playlist continuing to strike daggers in Bella's heart: "_I need a sign to let me know you're here. All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere_..."

"Bella, can you talk to me?" Edward asked, his embrace tightening.

"Rachel," she managed to gasp hoarsely.

"I know. Bella, it was a horrible accident, and from everything you've told me, Rachel doesn't blame you. She wouldn't want you to hurt yourself," he added, kissing the half moon prints on her left palm. "Do you still want to do what we've planned?"

Bella nodded furiously, a scattering of tears tumbling down her ashen face. Failure was not an option, not when she'd been given such a rare gift, undeserving as she was. Letting the anxiety win would be shoving Rachel's memory off a cliff with abandon.

"What can I do to help you right now?" Edward asked. "What do you need right this moment?"

"Play," Bella whispered.

Edward shut her laptop down abruptly, scooping her into his arms and carrying her to their living room. The decor had changed little since Bella had moved in three months prior - a few new posters on the walls; a collage of photos framed above the couch - but it was very much _theirs_ now. He laid her gently on the couch, pressing his lips to her forehead before making his way to the piano, the black lacquered surface gleaming in the trickle of sunlight darting between the curtains. With minimal hesitation, Edward began to sing, his fingers flying in an improvised accompaniment.

"_Warm bodies, I sense, are not machines that can only make money  
Past, perfect tense  
Words for a feeling and all I've discovered  
I'll be along, son, with medicines supposed to - designed to - make you high  
I'll be along, son, with words for a feeling, and all I've discovered_

_Old, bad eyes  
Old, bad eyes  
Old, bad eyes..."_

Bella closed her eyes, allowing the music to wash over her. Edward always knew, instinctively, what she needed to hear, and for this gift of his, she was truly grateful. No one else understood her musically; only he spoke her language of lyrics and rhythm. Her mind drifted to their conversation the other day, wherein they'd dissected the 90s and its highlights and lowlights - namely, the dreadful dance music of the latter half of the decade. They'd drunkenly belted out EMF's Unbelievable for kicks, rocked out to Nirvana's _Nevermind_ and argued over which Smashing Pumpkins album was superior (Edward favoured _Siamese Dream_, while Bella insisted that overall, _Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness _was stronger). But later in the evening, they'd spun Live's _Throwing Copper_, curled up on their leather couch by candlelight, singing along with favourite lines on a whim. She'd confessed how, in the first months after losing her mother, she'd clung to Pillar of Davidson, looping it endlessly on dark nights, and Edward had, as always, mentally filed this away in order to soothe her now.

"_On loneliness comes; go see the foreman, go see the profiteer  
On loneliness drives; taking our time, moving shit for this holy slime  
Old, bad eyes  
Old, bad eyes  
Old, bad eyes  
Almighty fear_

_The shepherd won't leave me alone  
He's in my face, and I  
The shepherd of my days  
Well, I want you here by my heart and my head  
I can't start 'til I'm dead..._"

Edward's voice was cracking in places, emotion creeping in and consuming him. Today was as difficult for him as it was for her; their pain was shared now. As Edward ached, she, too, ached; as her heart broke today, his fractured alongside it. Bella also knew - although Edward would never confess it - that he would linger today on the moment when he'd left her, running from the past events of this day, running from his own guilt. _He needs this as much as I do_, Bella thought sadly, struggling to sit up and watch him play. Her sadness grew heavier, but the fear and anxiety that grasped her throat with unforgiving viciousness had relented in the face of song.

"_Warm bodies, I sense, are not machines that can only make money  
Past, perfect tense  
Words for a feeling and all I've discovered  
Old, bad eyes  
Old, bad eyes  
Old, bad eyes  
Almighty fear_

_The shepherd won't leave me alone  
He's in my face, and I  
The shepherd of my days  
Well, I want you here by my heart and my head  
I can't start 'til I'm dead..._"

Bella joined him, her voice small and off-key as she stifled sobs, unable to resist her favourite lines, the part of the song she awaited patiently each and every time she played it:

"_Here I am, locking horns with a stallion  
Failing to hold my head up  
I'll go back again  
Pillar of Davidson, feeling too hard to go down  
Cheaper than all souls he will walk upon  
Deeper and deeper in love, so I hold my head up  
Cheaper than all souls he will walk upon  
Pillar of Davidson, feeling too hard to go down..._"

Edward's head bowed, fingers frozen on the stilled ivory keys, his breath caught in his throat. Bella's hand reached out weakly across the five feet of separation, craving his warmth and comfort. Her ring caught the sunlight, her diamond blinking as if it approved of her gesture. When his green eyes met hers, they were moist, but loving. _Always loving_.

"Better?"

"Yes," Bella whispered.

Edward smiled weakly, rising to his feet. As he reached his hand out to hers, electricity coursed through her, just as it had that first night. Bella bit her lip, feeling her cheeks flush in the insufferable way that left her an open book.

"Ready?"

"As much as possible, in light of the circumstances," Bella mused sadly.

Edward nodded, wrapping his arm protectively around her shoulder, "It'll be okay."

Bella's broken heart struggled to believe him.

* * *

The burial grounds were in a remote location near the Quillayute River, clustered just far enough from both First Beach and the popular Bay Trail hike as to be somewhat private. Ronan's directions were simple to follow, even for Edward - which was fortunate, as Bella couldn't stop herself from continually weeping. They found the small cluster of graves at precisely two in the afternoon, the time that Jacob had offered up as the only window in which Bella was permitted to visit. They had thirty minutes, precisely, before Bella was to depart, allowing the residents of La Push their chances to pay respects without the potential for conflicts. It was a generous offer, and unexpected; Bella had actually attempted to slug Ronan in the eye for 'making a cruel joke' when he'd first informed her of it, unable to fathom any reason why Jacob would allow her passage.

"He's trying to make amends for what happened last summer with the guys," Ronan had explained. "He said it was what Rachel would want, and he wouldn't deny her anything, even in death."

_Even in death_... The death Bella had contributed to, she thought guiltily, her sneakers coated in damp sand and silt as they made their way through the simple gate, Edward's hand on her shoulder. He gently pushed her forward as she halted, her stomach heaving as the distant waves seemed to crash onto the shores with pained screams.

There was no way of making amends for a mistake like this. Apologies seemed pitifully inadequate.

"I don't deserve to be here," Bella choked out.

"Of course you do," Edward assured her. "You grieve for her. You love her."

"I killed her," Bella whispered.

"Lightning and shitty timing killed her," Edward countered. "Just like shitty timing and a drunken idiot killed Tanya, right?"

Bella sighed, "I don't know what to believe today."

Edward's hand cradled her cheek, brushing away tears, "Believe me: what's important right now is saying goodbye to Rachel. Guilt, shame, it doesn't matter right now. Think of Rachel, sweetheart."

Bella edged forward, her knees buckling as she fell to the soft earth before the simple stone. _Rachel Black, B. October 2, 1993, D. July 26, 2008. _A phrase followed that she couldn't pronounce or read in Quileute; Ronan had told her of it after the burial, saying that he understood it to be akin to 'gone but forever within us all'. Her fingertips traced the delicate precision of the carving, her body trembling as she wrestled with the words in her skull.

"I'm so sorry," Bella whispered. "I... I wish it was me. I would trade places, if... Rachel..."

A lone bird called out distantly, a forlorn sound within the brush and forest. Bella took it as nature chastising her for her foolish mistakes, her stupidity two years ago; she could not disagree. She would spend her life atoning for all she'd done to her family and friends, as best she could.

"You were everything I could want in a sister," Bella said quietly, "You were the best kind of person. The world needed more of you... Your light..."

_They were dancing in the yard behind the Black home, a simple boom box perched on the railing of the weathered porch. Dancing was a stretch, really: Bella swung her hair side to side, her body swaying and bouncing, while Rachel twirled in circles, occasionally drumming on the worn pine._

_"Are you two ever going to come in and watch this movie with me?" Jacob called from inside._

_"Nope! Girls night, stamped it!" Rachel shouted. _

_"Hey, I'm the one that invited Bella over," Jacob protested, stepping out the screen door, arms akimbo._

_Bella laughed as Rachel paused, tossing her hair over her shoulder, "Look, Horny Man. You have to share her. You can get in her pants some other night, alright?"_

_Bella gasped, flushing scarlet, "Rachel!"_

_"Oh please, like I don't know what steady thumping of the bed down the hall means," Rachel groaned, rolling her eyes. "If we come in, I'm choosing the movie, and I am not going to bed early. Just because Dad's off at The Clearwaters' doesn't mean you can order me away to get laid."_

_Bella and Jacob exchanged a look, the two of them flustered._

_"So, uh, Rachel... Sense and Sensibility?" Bella asked nervously._

_As Jacob retreated into the house, Rachel burst into a fit of giggles. Slapping Bella on the back, she winked conspiratorially._

_"Relax; I don't really hear you guys. But there's no way in hell I'm watching another Bourne movie."_

Bella's shaking hand placed the single orchid near the base of hear headstone - Rachel's favourite flower. The blossom was a shock of colour in the faded green of the tall grasses, a little light on the saddest of days.

"You were beauty and grace," Bella continued. "You saved me for so many months, Rach... So many times, I wanted... But you'd hold me back. And it killed you in the end." Bella sobbed, shaking her head, "Look after Jacob, okay? I know that you... You do. But you need to take care of him... "

She sat silently, save the soft sobs that slipped free of her pursed lips, listening to the waves. A part of her longed to reach out to Jacob, but she knew that was asking far too much of his patience and graceful acceptance of her apology last fall. Instead, she'd anonymously contributed $400 to SCARS, an animal rescue society in Canada that Rachel had read about and loved, in memoriam, with the confirmation sent to the Black home. It was the sort of generosity Rachel was known for in her short life.

Edward's hand rubbed her back in small circles as he knelt beside her, and Bella sighed, "I wish..."

"Wish?"

Bella turned to him, blinking away the ceaseless tears, "I wish I knew if she could hear me... Know I'm sorry."

"She does," Edward gently replied.

"How do you know?" Bella countered, her voice pained. "I loved her so much, Edward. She was so good to me... I let her down..."

Bella buried her face in Edward's chest, his embrace tight as she wept still, her throat raw. _I have to live for her, and for Mom_, Bella affirmed. _Every year, I will do one thing Rachel would have done, for her_. If she could not return life to Rachel, she surely could no longer waste her own. It would be as if she were killing her anew. Her hands fisted in Edward's worn Pink Floyd tee, the prism logo cracked and peeling after endless years of wear, by Edward's own description. _What's so great about a gig in the sky_? Bella grumbled inwardly. As ever, lyrics became the language she lacked.

"Bella?" Edward whispered in her ear.

"What?"

"Look slowly..."

Confused, Bella gently lifted her head, her gaze shifting to her right, towards the grave, where she was greeted with a sight so strange, she almost laughed out loud in confusion and disbelief.

A tiny Monarch butterfly flitted its wings delicately upon the headstone, perched directly in front of Bella's wondering gaze. She caught herself before her curious fingers stretched out, as if to prove it real and not a crazy mirage. The butterfly remained oblivious to the two of them, walking lightly along the stone, brilliant orange and black wings lifting and falling in harmony with the light breeze.

"There's your sign," Edward murmured.

"No, it's coincidence," Bella mumbled absently.

The butterfly defiantly lifted into flight, circling them before settling firmly on the orchid on Rachel's grave.

"Rach?"

The lone bird called again, a more upbeat melody that grew faint as it seemingly took flight. The butterfly buried its tiny feet in the pollen of the solitary bloom, content in its choice of resting place.

It was impossible, Bella reasoned. And yet, she felt it - felt _her_. Rachel knew.

"Thank you," Bella whispered.

The butterfly rose into the sky, circling among the scattering of headstones, lingering in the burial grounds. The woods rustled nearby and Bella immediately seized Edward's wrist, checking the time. Had half an hour passed so quickly? The display read twenty minutes past two. _Time's almost up_.

"We should go," Bella stated reluctantly, rising to her feet.

"Whatever you want, Bella," Edward answered, taking her hand.

Their feet had scarcely reached the worn dirt path outside the gate when the forest parted to their left. From it emerged a muscular, towering young Quileute male, his features strangely pale in spite of his natural colour. Edward immediately placed himself in front of Bella in a protective stance, Bella's shock reducing her speech to a formless murmur.

"We were given permission to be here," Edward stated firmly.

The male nodded, his eyes drifting to Bella's swollen eyes as he spoke, "I know. I gave it."

Edward exchanged a look with Bella, whose eyes darted back to the burial grounds. The Monarch had settled upon Rachel's stone once more, motionless as she was. Even the wind stilled, as if it, too, were taken aback at his presence.

"Bella?" Edward asked nervously.

"Jake," she managed, blurting the word out in gasp as she recalled their last conversation.

_"You needed a shrink, or rehab, or Charlie locking you in the drunk tank. Something... And I never did what I knew I should do, because I loved you too much to upset you. And now my sister is dead, and I can't look at you without feeling sick."_

As if sensing her terror, Jacob edged forward, his shoulders relaxing slightly, "No one else will come until four."

"Is something wrong?" Edward asked, his shaky voice betraying the calm his expression attempted to exude.

"No," Jacob answered him, his dark eyes meeting Bella's. "I wanted to thank you for the donation. It was you, wasn't it?"

Bella nodded nervously, "Y-yeah. I thought, because Rachel... She-"

"I know," Jacob cut her off gently. "Rachel loved animals..."

The three of them stood together, Edward's hand clenching Bella's, Bella wishing for the right words to convey her regrets to the man she'd hurt almost as much as her father - perhaps more so. Her heart belonged to Edward - it was always meant for him, she sensed - but Jacob was, once upon a time, one of her dearest friends. She had loved him as best she could, even if it wasn't the love he'd held for her, and his absence in her life had remained a painful hole in her heart.

"We should go," Edward finally stated, breaking the silence. "Thank you, for giving her this," he added, nodding to Jacob.

"It's what Rachel would want," Jacob answered wistfully. "They were sisters."

"Thank you," Bella echoed, her voice tremulous.

They moved past Jacob, Bella's steps shaky and uncertain. _If only..._ Edward seemed more at ease, now that the threat of an altercation was no longer looming in the air. Bella, on the other hand, wondered what Jacob had not said; she had learned to read his many expressions years ago, he being the man of few words and many emotions.

"Bella?"

She turned slowly, her eyes meeting the pained expression of the man who was once her warmth in the coldest, darkest days of her grief. There was no longer the rage of that fateful meeting last fall, when he had permitted her ten minutes to bare her truths and be gone from his world forever. What remained was pure agony, and regret.

"Jake?"

"Someday..." he began, pausing in frustration, "Well..."

The Monarch soared into the sky, deserting the burial grounds. Rachel always hated the times when they fought.

Bella stretched her free hand backwards in reply. With a moment's pause, Jacob nodded, then rushed forward. Their fingers laced together loosely, the once common gesture of their solidarity as they'd strolled First Beach, talking long into the evening about everything and nothing at all. Edward looked to her and smiled, squeezing her left hand lightly as they walked on, three suffering souls united in the possibility for peace. They said nothing, Jacob's head bowed low while Bella stared absently into the trees, but it was a comfortable quiet. His escort to their waiting car was all that needed to be said today; there was time, down the road, for a phone call, or an email. Someday, when Jacob was ready, she would make time for him.

At the sight of Edward's silver Volvo in the visitor's lot near the beach, Jacob paused, releasing Bella's hand to her side. With another nod to Edward, he shrugged his shoulders and turned back towards the stretch of land that would carry him to his home. He did not glance over his shoulder once, but this didn't surprise Bella; Jacob had always been one to look ahead, never behind, in each course of action he chose. Edward embraced her from behind, kissing her neck gently as the breeze lifted her auburn locks.

"A lesser man would have been jealous," Edward gently teased.

"You understand, though?" Bella asked.

Edward nodded, "He invited you here for that, not for Rachel, per se."

"How so?" Bella asked.

Edward stared at the hulking Quileute disappearing into a cluster of trees, "He needed to let his anger at you go. I think he knows Rachel wouldn't be happy at him holding a grudge. I never met her, but from everything you've told me, she seems the type who would want you to stick together."

"_Bella, look: I can't be friends with you. I can't be friends with myself!_ " It was what he'd said, that day. And yet, he'd come. That was Rachel's gift: healing others.

"Rachel hated fighting," Bella agreed. "She was always trying to fix us, but she knew that I never... Jacob wasn't the one for me. Not like that."

"He knows that. He probably always knew," Edward mused.

"Maybe," Bella sighed. "You're too fucking smart, Edward Cullen."

"Not really; I've seen it before. Liz was my Jacob, and she wasn't blind. She knew I would never reciprocate her love, yet she remained." Edward brushed aside tangled strands of hair from her cheeks. "Let's go home."

He held the passenger door open for her as Bella slipped into the seat, lightheaded and exhausted. Her eyes drifted to the window, from which she spotted a Monarch butterfly. _That can't be the same one_, Bella thought, watching it flutter closer. From its left, another butterfly emerged, a brilliant shade of sapphire blue. The two creatures danced in the sky, circling each other wildly, before soaring upwards into the pale azure of the summer's day. Bella's brow furrowed as she studied them, suddenly reminded of a memory just beyond her hazy grasp as Edward started the engine.

"You okay?" Edward asked.

"Just tired," Bella replied absently. "And hungry."

"Should we stop at the diner, or wait 'til we get home? There's the Thai place you like near Breaking Dawn."

_Tattoos..._ It suddenly struck Bella then, what she remembered, and her hand flew to her mouth. The pieces tumbled into place, her eyes drawn to Edward's clothed right calf. _Tanya's butterfly_.

"Bella?" Edward's voice was anxious as his hand gripped her thigh gently. "Bella, are you alright?"

With a smile, Bella leaned over to kiss his cheek, "I'm perfect. The diner sounds good."

Bella had never been one to believe in any sort of religion. She had never bought into heaven or hell, nor had she placed any stock in a particular deity. What she had come to believe, through her near misses at death and her emotional chaos, was that there was something greater than her, greater than this life. Whether it was an omnipresent being or beings, or simply a force guiding each person, like the silvery orbs in _Donnie Darko_, she couldn't say, nor did it matter to her. Was she forcing significance onto chance occurrences? Perhaps she was. But in the end, if it brought comfort, did it fucking matter?

Life was too short to turn away hope of any kind.

Through the speakers, Chantal Kreviazuk's plaintive voice rang out, jarring Bella from her thoughts. She sang along, the lyrics a mantra for her now, after years of struggle:

"_Run the way you did before the nightmares  
Run just like before the overkill  
Run the way you did; it's over, darling..._"

Bella had spent years in stasis, wasting away under the burden of her grief and guilt. Enough was enough. With this last goodbye, it was time to truly let go to all that she had shackled herself to.

"I love you," Bella said, smiling at Edward.

"I love you, too," Edward responded, eyebrow raising in confusion. "Where did that come from?"

"My heart, of course."

Edward shook his head, "No, there's a look about you... What are you thinking?"

Bella laughed - _I can breathe!_ - and grinned, "I couldn't even begin to explain it all. It's not language; it's a feeling. Don't you feel it?"

"Feel what?"

Bella's hand closed over his as he shifted gears, "Freedom. We made it, Edward. We're alive."

Edward pulled into the lot of the diner abruptly, cutting the engine. Wordlessly, he pulled her to him, kissing her hard. Bella threw her arms around his neck, tugging him ever closer, her pierced tongue tangling with his as his hands fisted her hair. She had never felt so alive, even in the happiest moments of her recent life; she could feel every beat of her heart, each surge of blood in her arteries, the heat that rose off her body as Edward's flesh pressed against hers. When they at last broke apart, gasping for air, Edward grinned.

"Are you sure you're hungry?" he growled. "Because I need you."

"We're going to need the fuel," Bella purred. "But I know somewhere we can park before driving home, if you-"

"Eat fast," Edward interrupted.

Bella laughed, kissing him lightly, "I'll do my best."

Edward sighed, staring longingly at her, "Are you sure Alice and Jasper have to go first? You have no idea how impatient I am to call you my wife."

"What's the rush? We have our whole lives ahead of us, right?" Bella beamed, toying with his messy bronze locks.

"Yes, we do," Edward murmured, "But a lifetime with you is still not enough."

Bella blushed, "We'll just have to do our best with what we have, then."

"Especially if the Mayans are right about that world ending shit."

"Oh, the world won't end; it'll just be a zombie apocalypse. We can handle that, can't we?"

Edward scoffed, "Zombies? Please. Look at what we've survived. Zombies are laughable at this point."

"We are pretty fucking resilient. If we can't kill ourselves, zombies surely will falter," Bella quipped.

"That's the spirit, Bitchella!"

"So, can we fucking eat now, dearest Doucheward? Since fucking and _then_ eating is just not possible with my stomach digesting itself?"

Edward grinned, "On one condition."

"Name it."

Edward pulled her closer, "I think I'd rather show you..."

His lips met hers and she was on fire, their kiss deep and slow, Edward's hand cupping her breast gently. Maybe she didn't believe in heaven, but Bella was certain that if such a thing existed, she'd found it in life, with Edward. That alone was motivation to survive, to struggle and breathe for another day. Hamlet, it seemed, was right in a fashion: why abandon this world for the unknown beyond? Her palms pressed to his cheeks, Bella moaned as his hand dove between her thighs briefly, grazing her heat through her jeans. _Why, indeed!_ Reluctantly, they parted, Bella's stomach growling loudly, reminding them of their proximity to many townspeople with the potential to gossip to Bella's father.

"How much changes in a year," Edward said as they stepped out into the warmth of the summer's day.

Bella struggled to finger comb her hair into a semblance of decency, "I know. It seems so much longer, doesn't it?"

"About that first day... do you remember what we promised?"

Bella paused outside the diner's entrance, grinning, "I do. Did I succeed?"

"You know you did," Edward replied softly. "The first night, really - and I have the ink to prove it. But I'm more concerned with you, Ms. Swan. What's the verdict?"

Blushing, Bella took his hand, pressing her lips to it. He knew the answer to his query, the bastard, but she would oblige him. How could she not, after the devotion he'd shown her? Not every guy would save you from a foolish suicide attempt, suffer through weeks of amnesia and fly you to your hometown to visit your mother's grave. Today's epiphany was only confirmation of what her heart had long known. Her eyes met his, a single tear slipping down her left cheek as she sighed happily.

"Consider me saved," Bella whispered softly, as Edward's lips fell upon hers, a promise of endless tomorrows.

* * *

**"_Now it seems strange  
How we used to wait for letters to arrive  
But what's stranger still  
Is how something so small can keep you alive_**

We used to wait  
We used to waste hours just walking around  
We used to wait  
All those wasted lives in the wilderness downtown...

**_Like a patient on a table  
I wanna walk again  
Gonna move to the pain_**

Now our lives are changing fast  
Now our lives are changing fast  
Hope that something pure can last  
Hope that something pure can last..."

**We Used To Wait - Arcade Fire**

* * *

**I HAVE GIFTS FOR YOU, FAITHFUL READERS...**

All I ask in return is that you a) review and b) please, please go check out Fandom Fights Mental Illness and donate! **I am contributing an exclusive outtake to the collection: Ronan and Emily's wedding weekend in Vegas. And trust me, you want to read it. **GO: findingyourvoice-ffmi[dot]blogspot[dot]com/

**GIFT ONE: MUSIC**

This fic has always been heavily driven by music; that's why I've compiled a complete **140 track soundtrack, for free download. **As per the RIAA, these are for sampling, delete in 24 hours, I'm not responsible for your actions, yadda yadda.

mediafire[dot]com/?d3kjeqad5hddv

**GIFT TWO: A PERMANENT RECORD...**

Being an ebook junkie, there is nothing more awesome than portable reading, ideally by the hundreds... at least for me. I know there are wonderfully functional downloaders for fic out there, but I am a control freak. So, created by me and with my blessing, **feel free to download this story at the link below, as well as my other fic, Disc Jockeys**. PDF and EPUB formats are available. Calibre is a free program that will convert to mobi, etc. You can read EPUBS on your computer with programs like Adobe Digital Editions.

mediafire[dot]com/?z85awqxv75rca

**REVIEW, ONE LAST TIME, AND AGAIN, MAKE SURE YOU'RE SIGNED UP TO GET UPDATES ON THE LOST MOMENTS... COMING SOON:**

1) Revenge On The Rez, or, Sam and Paul get theirs...  
2) When Alice met Leah...

And of course, the Vegas outtake for charity, noted above!


	42. FFMI: What Happens In Vegas Pt1

****_**AN: Last year, I contributed a future-take for this story to the Fandom Fights Mental Illness compilation. Originally, I planned for this to be exclusive to the compilation; it was something special for those supporting the cause. However, having seen so many new readers come along since the fundraiser ended, I decided to change my mind and post it here as well.**_

_**I truly hope you enjoy it; I loved writing it, and feel that for those who wanted a sequel that this should more than suffice. I'll be posting it in three blocks, two weeks apart.**_

**~A  
**

* * *

**Title**: TATTOOS LIKE MILE MARKERS: What Happens In Vegas...

**Disclaimer**: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight; I simply play fun games with her toys. This story contains lyrics from the song Never Tear Us Apart by INXS and Dance With You by Live; all rights retained by the respective copyright owners. I own the original content of the outtake and Tattoos Like Mile Markers.  
**Thanks**: My loyal readers, my pre-reader Alexis Danaan, and everyone who donates to this cause and helps those like me find a voice and fight back.

_August 21st, 2010_

"Ladies and gentleman, welcome to McCarran International Airport in sunny Las Vegas, Nevada! Please wait until the plane has come to a complete stop at the gate and the pilot has turned off the Fasten Seatbelt sign to begin deplaning. Alaska Air thanks you for choosing us for your vacation, and we hope you have a wonderful stay. Those passengers requiring special assistance..."

Bella shifted in her seat, yawning into Edward's shoulder. "Why did we take a six in the morning flight again?"

"Because Emmett couldn't get away from work a day early, and this flight was a hundred bucks cheaper per person?" Edward replied with sass, chuckling as a sleep-deprived Bella huffed in frustration. "Besides, we'll have all day to check out the Strip, arriving at nine am, right?"

"I guess," Bella mumbled. "I need a fucking coffee. A gallon of coffee."

"Oh Bella, cheer the hell up! Look at all of this sunshine!" Alice chirped from the seat behind her. "Jazz, look! It's so beautiful!"

"And hot," Jasper added. "Didn't you hear the attendant? It's already 95 degrees, and projected to hit 103 by midday. You're going to melt."

"All the more excuse to buy cute, lightweight outfits for the weather!" Alice exclaimed.

"Ugh, I feel awful," Rosalie moaned from across the aisle, fanning herself with the complimentary newspaper. "I always get so tired when I fly."

"You should have seen her on the flight to St. Maarten," Emmett agreed, smoothing Rosalie's tangled locks, "The friendly skies aren't very friendly to poor Rosie."

Overhead, a chime sounded, and the seatbelt indicator dimmed. Emily was the first to spring up from her seat, throwing open the overhead bin two rows behind Jasper with an exhausted sigh.

"Finally! I can't wait to escape this tin can," Emily exclaimed, obviously relieved. Emily was somewhat terrified of flying, but had managed to survive with the help of a mild sedative, courtesy of Doctor Carlisle.

"I told you we'd make it fine, babe," Ronan soothed, taking her carry-on from her hand. "We'll have an amazing brunch just as soon as we check in, okay?"

Bella beamed as Emily planted a kiss on Ronan's cheek, sighing happily. "Thank you, Ro. Even if I spent the last three hours waiting to die, I'm so glad we planned this getaway."

_You're going to be a lot gladder once you realize there's two rings and a ceremony in your future_, Bella thought to herself. Keeping the secret intent of the trip from Emily had been increasingly difficult as the day neared, particularly during girls' nights; Bella's pending – albeit distant – nuptials were a constant reminder of how bare her friend's left hand was. Bella had often bitten her lip to keep the words at bay, knowing how much it meant to Ronan to surprise Em. She'd threatened Ronan with castration, should he chicken out – with Rihanna – the bane of his existence – playing, no less; if that didn't motivate him...

"Bella! Wake up and get moving!" Alice laughed, poking her in the arm.

"Coffee," Bella muttered, by way of excuse.

It didn't fool Edward, though, his lips grazing her ear lobe as he whispered, "Tonight."

Shuffling down the aisle behind Alice, Bella inhaled deeply. _Ten more hours... And then, I can relax and truly enjoy this trip_. Edward's lips grazed her neck as he walked behind her, his hand holding hers, and her taut shoulders immediately relaxed. _Just keep thinking of the suite, Bella... and all the fun you plan to have there_...

By the time the airport shuttle had dropped them off at the MGM Grand, Bella's enormous coffee had finally entered her bloodstream, restoring coherent conversation and prying her eyes open wider than the irritated slits that greeted the terminal of McCarran International. The dry heat of Vegas had immediately perked her up, reminding her of Arizona's golden warmth. Smugly, she watched Emily and Rosalie tug at their shirts, already overheating in their Forks-suitable garments; Bella, knowing how Vegas would feel, had worn a sleeveless black lace blouse beneath the hoodie she'd stuffed into her carry-on just before their Sea-Tac departure, her white cotton skirt swishing around her calves as she strolled up to the hotel lobby entrance. _I warned them_, Bella thought, shaking her head. Only Alice had heeded her advice, donning a cotton sundress in azure blue for their arrival.

The four women elected to hang back as their respective men checked them into their rooms, leaning on the luggage piled off to the side. Alice flipped through a brochure of hotel amenities, squealing excitedly.

"Ooh! There's a spa! And a hair salon? Oh my god, this is amazing. I should get my hair streaked or something fun. You know, to commemorate the trip? And we definitely need to do a spa day."

"A massage sounds amazing," Emily sighed, eyes dreamily peeking over Alice's shoulder.

Rosalie leaned against Bella, fanning herself with a brochure about a casino. "I really hope I snap out of this. I warned Emmett about the heat, but he refused to be the odd couple out."

" But you spent your honeymoon on the beach," Bella countered, confused.

"Moist heat. I don't do so well with dry heat. My parents took me to New Mexico as a kid to visit friends, and it was awful. My throat's always parched. And the flight seems to be hitting me hard for some reason."

Bella wrapped her arm around her shoulders, soothing Rosalie. "You've worked a lot of overtime to manage this trip so soon after the wedding. Maybe it's worn you out?"

Rosalie nodded. "That makes sense. We should book that spa time right away; it sounds heavenly."

Out of the corner of her eye, Bella noticed the approach of a somewhat rowdy group of men. With a playful rolling of her eyes, she jerked her thumb towards them.

"The four Stooges return."

"I thought there were three?" Alice asked.

"Although they only appeared together in one film, there were four Stooges, total: Curly, Larry, Moe and Shemp. True facts, my dear, courtesy of my mother's crazy taste in television," Bella corrected wryly, "Hey, hurry up, guys! Some of us would like to eat on this vacation?"

"And change into lighter clothing," Emily chimed in. "I should have listened to you, Bella."

"Of course you should have," Edward agreed. "Bella's always right –"

"_Whipped_!" Emmett laughed.

"-Except when she's wrong, which is often," Edward continued, dodging Bella's swinging right hand. "Hey Bitchella, this ain't UFC Fight Night."

"Just give me the damn room card," Bella grumbled, shaking her head. "Okay everyone, meet back in the lobby in thirty to forage for sustenance?"

A chorus of agreement and a mock salute from Edward sealing the deal, the four couples piled onto the elevator, dispersing onto their various floors. Edward and Bella's stop was first, Edward dragging most of their luggage behind him as Bella carted her purse and carry-on, navigating them to their suite.

"So, what would you like to do today?" Edward asked.

Bella thought a moment as she found their room, pausing before the door. "Well, if Emily says yes – and we both know she will – we'll be busy with wedding prep tomorrow and Monday. So I'm thinking brunch, a little casino time, touristy stuff until dinner. Good plan?"

Edward nodded as Bella swiped their card, the indicator glowing green. "You're the brains of this operation; I'm just the brawn."

Swinging the door open and holding it for Edward, Bella gasped as she glanced around their suite. Classified as one of the 'Celebrity Suites', the room featured a sitting room divided by an entertainment stand from the king size bed and sleeping area. Rounding the corner into the suite, Bella found herself in awe of the enormous tub alongside the separate walk-in shower, the marble decor a perfect touch. It was elegant without being ostentatious, the colour scheme a blend of earth tones and gold.

"Like it?"

"Love it," Bella whispered. "I'm so glad we had this time to get away before things get... crazy."

"Med school... It's going to be intense, after taking a year away from the routine," Edward murmured.

Bella smiled softly, crossing the room and embracing him. "I have complete faith in you."

"Oh really? What makes you so confident?" Edward asked, kissing the top of her head.

Bella giggled as she answered, "Well, you certainly impress _me_ when you play Doctor..."

With a surprised laugh, Edward seized her by the waist, tossing her onto his shoulder. As Bella flailed and protested, Edward threw her down onto the bed, tickling her stomach until she wheezed and begged for mercy. With a contented sigh, Edward settled beside her, pulling Bella into his arms.

"I really hope I don't fuck this up. Carlisle pulled a lot of strings to hold my spot open for me."

Bella's hand found his, her engagement ring glistening in the sunlight from the nearby window. "You will be amazing, Edward. You're intelligent, compassionate and determined. Your future patients will be lucky to have you."

"You're still taking your courses in the winter, aren't you?"

Bella nodded as she affirmed, "Yep, I worked it all out with Ronan. Intro to Gender and Popular Culture, which sounds awesome; I'm auditing that Western Music History class, the third one; and Intro to Psychology."

Edward had suggested that, being as she was uncertain of a possible major and rather enjoyed her burgeoning career as a tattoo artist, Bella take classes for personal interest and growth. She'd selected Psychology first, reasoning that in her never-ending struggle with her bipolar disorder, being armed with a new level of insight would help keep her steady. Her sessions with Michelle were biweekly now, but she still relied heavily on them. Knowing she had that safe space for a neutral venting partner and confidante was crucial for her, even if she seldom broke down in a session anymore. Lately, she and Michelle were working on her anxiety in preparation for the stresses of school, work and – soon to come – planning her wedding.

"How long do you think we have?" Bella inquired, peeking up at Edward.

"Maybe ten minutes?" Edward guessed.

"That's enough," Bella said, nestling closer. "I love you, you know."

"I love you back, Bella," Edward whispered, fingers toying with her auburn waves. "Do you realize what day it is today?"

Bella thought for a moment, her mind still weary from their four am wake-up at the hotel near Sea-Tac. "I should know... Man, I need another coffee!"

Edward chuckled, his hand grazing her jaw line. "You came home with me a year ago, today."

Bella's breath caught in her throat. "You're right... It feels so much longer, in a good way."

"I had no idea how much you'd change me," Edward mused. "At least, not consciously. I think my heart knew and didn't bother to tell my brain."

"It would have just screwed it all up by thinking too much. You should be grateful for your heart's sneakiness," Bella teased.

"Yin and yang, baby: I think too much, you feel too much. Together, we're balanced."

"I think we're both thinking too much, and not _feeling_," Bella purred, palming Edward's crotch with a wink. "We have a couple minutes, don't—"

From around the bend, a pounding cut through the blissful quiet of their room. "Hey you two, hurry up! I want pancakes!"

"Fucking Alice," Edward growled, frustrated, "Worst timing ever."

"Right from the start of our relationship. Remember the truck in my driveway?"

Edward shook his head. "Oh, do I ever! She was quite amused with what she perceived to be a death wish."

Bella grinned. "Well, my dad _is_ the Chief of Police, and you _were _molesting me in broad daylight!"

A second burst of knocking, and a mumbling Jasper broke the conversation. "Stop boning and let's start eating!" Alice whined.

Rising reluctantly to his feet, Edward stretched out his hand. "Shall we?"

"Coffee," Bella chanted. "SHUT UP, ALICE! WE'RE COMING!"

"That's exactly what I was afraid of!" Alice trilled from the hall.

"I'm gonna murder her," Edward vowed.

"Well, this would be the place. After all, what happens in Vegas..."

Throwing open the door with a glowering look, Edward nodded to Bella. "Bitchella, I do believe it's a plan."

"What's a plan?" Alice asked.

"Silencing you," Bella replied cheerfully.

"That's easy enough," Jasper commented. "Just give her a Visa and point her towards a mall."

"Hey! Don't be mean... Is there a mall?" At Jasper's eyeroll, Alice giggled. "I'm _joking_! I'm saving my money for the spa and slots. Now hurry the hell up! Hungry!"

"Coffee?" Bella pleaded.

"Soon," Edward promised. "Even if I have to grind up the jumping bean pixie over there and brew that."

Jasper and Bella strategically hung back as Edward and Alice squabbled by the elevators, shoving and wrestling as Alice taunted her brother mercilessly. It was ridiculous and heart-warming at once to see twenty-something siblings so close – twin-like, no matter what their birth certificates stated.

"She's booked all of you into the spa tomorrow at noon, so you know," Jasper noted quietly.

"Figured," Bella answered. "Did she book you in, too?"

Flushing crimson, Jasper moved quickly into the opening elevator. Under his breath, Bella swore he mumbled something about 'trying', which had her grinning. There was no question as to how much Jasper loved Alice, in light of all he tolerated from her. Watching Alice abandon her brother for the refuge of her fiancé's waiting arms, Bella smiled. A year ago, she felt lost and alone, hopeless in every way; now, she had nothing _but_ hope, in abundance. As they rejoined their four other companions, Bella shot a reassuring glance at an anxious Ronan, his hand fumbling in his pocket with what was surely Emily's engagement ring.

Come Monday, there would be a wedding. She had no doubts about it. All Ronan had to do was ask.

After devouring a somewhat pricey, albeit incredibly tasty, brunch at the hotel's own restaurant, the entourage of eight made quick work of tackling their desired highlights of the Strip. Insisting it wasn't a trip to Vegas without a little gambling, Emmett led the charge into the casino. While Ronan and Emily took off to play the high end slots, Jasper hit the blackjack table. At their mention of playing craps, Bella chastised Rosalie and Emmett from the safety of her quarter slots.

"Those who forget _Empire Records_ are doomed to repeat it!" Bella quipped.

Rosalie laughed, tossing her hair with a seductive wink at her husband. "Don't worry; the only thing I let him ride is me."

An hour later, they'd done alright for themselves, much to Bella's surprise. She and Edward were up a collective five dollars; Rose and Emm had broken even, mainly because she'd stolen his chips before he could 'let it ride'; Ronan and Emily had scored fifty dollars; and Jasper, his lips sealed as to his strategy, came back with an extra three hundred dollars in hand. At Alice's suggestion that they bail before becoming candidates for an episode of _Intervention_, they piled out into the desert sun in search of more financially sound pastimes.

On Emily's urging, they'd swung into Mandalay Bay to check out the shark reef. The men – Emmett and Ronan in particular – quickly made the experience hilarious with their _Finding Nemo_ impressions and mimicry of the sharks' faces as they wandered the exhibit. The women lingered at the Touch Pool, revelling in the ability to actually touch animals they'd only seen on the Discovery Channel. Alice in particular was smitten, Jasper having to drag her back out into the Nevada heat with promises to return before the weekend was through... and shopping. _Shopping always works as bait with Alice_, Bella thought to herself with a giggle.

Emmett had then demanded they venture along the Strip to M&M World, a store devoted entirely to the candy he claimed as his birthright, given the moniker. Rosalie had revived from the draining flight and merrily romped the facility, selecting endless souvenirs for family and herself. Edward and Bella found themselves buckling in laughter as each cheerily presented a gift to the other, only to discover they'd unwittingly chosen the exact same M&M plushie. Mouths sticky with their treats, they swarmed into the Coca-Cola store next, sampling their Taste of the World bar – a special offering in which guests were able to taste products from around the globe. Strung out on sugary goodness – and perhaps heat-stricken – the women piled all over the infamous Coca-Cola bear, taking borderline obscene photos with the poor thing, much to the delight of their companions.

Bella was certain she'd regret straddling the bear later, but for now, she was in a state of bliss. She missed the heat of Phoenix, missed how the sunlight washed over her, flooding her senses. Las Vegas was a little dry for her, but it was still a refreshing change from dreary Forks. Sucking back on the iced tea Edward had just bought for her, Bella lost herself in the surreal sights of the notorious Strip: the roller coaster tracks; the numerous bulbs itching to light up the sky; and the throngs of people pushing and laughing their way into the casinos.

"It's like a whole other world, isn't it?" Edward murmured in her ear.

"It really is. It's perfect for this trip," Bella replied, turning her head towards him. "And I really wanna ride the roller coaster, for some reason."

"Maybe when your belly isn't full of carbonation and chocolate?" Edward suggested, teasing.

Bella nodded, patting her stomach. "Good call. I think I'm about to birth a candy-coated baby with Coke for blood and chocolate organs."

"Oooh! Guys, look! We should totally go in there!" Alice squealed.

Even before she looked to her friend's bouncing body, Bella instinctively knew what she would find exciting her: shopping. To Alice's credit, she had yet to demand anything of their afternoon; however, taking in the Grand Canal Shoppes at the Venetian, Bella knew they would suffer long and hard for this.

"Um, Alice? What's in it for us?" Ronan quipped.

Alice rolled her eyes, exasperated. "You idiots! Didn't you research before this trip? It's not just stores – although there's a Godiva in there calling my name, not even gonna lie. There's also gondola rides. Hello, romance?"

"The pixie has a point," Rosalie chimed in. "Godiva and gondolas?"

Alice beamed at Rose, then pouted at Jasper. "I promise not to shop too many places, Jazz! I just want chocolate, and maybe a purse. Please?"

Jasper shrugged, pulling Alice against him, "I can't argue with her, guys. I'm sorry."

Bella shrugged. "I'm down with chocolate and pretending to be in Italy. Edward?"

Edward shook his head. "Tink, you are predictable, yet devious. I'm in."

Bella looked pointedly at Ronan. "C'mon, Ro... You know you love Italy. Even fake commercial Italy."

As Ronan nodded agreement, Emily grinned widely; Bella subtly flashed a thumbs up gesture at Ronan, who stuck his tongue out in reply. _After this many years with the poor woman, you'd better spoil her_, Bella thought to herself. Ronan wasn't one for public displays and showy affection – he preferred to quietly show his emotions – but this was one occasion that demanded a little more.

"Alright, then: let's go!" Alice commanded, skipping off towards the gondolas.

They separated at dinner, surprised at reining Alice in after a scant three hours, the four men united in an insistence on 'treating' the ladies, so as not to rouse Emily's suspicions. While Emmett and Rosalie had opted to do just as they claimed, Bella and Alice collaboratively planned a little casual fun and drinking at the Hard Rock Cafe on the Strip. Bella was adamant about visiting, if only to ogle the memorabilia on display, while Alice insisted their brownies were to die for. Edward and Jasper, being helplessly wound around their ring-adorned fingers, had fallen in line immediately. Bella knew, however much he downplayed it, that Edward was just as excited about guitars and old photos as she was.

The wait was a little long, but they'd finally snagged a prime table near the windows overlooking the brilliant casino lights, every colour of the rainbow well represented. Jasper took the lead in ordering and they were now knocking back enormous quantities of Long Island Iced Tea over platters of appetizers, marvelling at the rock goodies on display.

"That shirt is Jimi Hendrix owned and worn... Gah!" Bella exclaimed, sipping her drink. "This is so awesome. I just want to touch it..."

"They have one of Steve Vai's guitars over there," Edward noted, jerking his head to the left.

"Really?" Jasper asked. "The man is a legend! My dad loves him."

"Take a picture for him!" Alice suggested, pulling her camera from an oversized teal purse. "He'd love it, I'm sure."

"Better: take one of you beside it and make him even more jealous," Edward said.

"Good call!" Knocking back the rest of his drink, Jasper extended a hand to Alice. "Darlin', I require your assistance."

"But of course, good sir!" Alice answered, giggling.

"And another round!" Jasper called back over his shoulder at Edward and Bella.

Edward's fingers laced between Bella's as he reached for her hand. With a sigh, his lips gently sucked at her fingers, one by one, eliciting a soft moan and a shiver from Bella.

"I cannot wait to get you back to that room," Edward growled. "How long until we ditch them?"

Bella giggled. "Now, now; there will be plenty of time later, Doucheward. Be social. Besides, I'm waiting for the news from Emily and Ronan's dinner proposal."

Edward pouted, kissing her wrist lightly. "I suppose we should wait for that... But I draw the line at ten pm. I need you, Bella."

Her free hand slid between his thighs, squeezing just south of his groin. "Ten sounds perfect to me... Of course, so does violating the Hard Rock bathroom—"

"Shit, they're coming back," Edward whispered, flustered.

"Boo..."

"But," Edward added, kissing her cheek, "The bathroom works for me."

"Down, boy," Bella teased, looking up to Alice and Jasper. "Did you get your jealousy ammo?"

"Indeed! We also found one of Brian May's guitars, so I figured I'd torture Dad," Alice enthused.

"Carlisle's a Queen fan?" Bella asked.

"Why do you think Emmett had me do Another One Bites The Dust for his wedding recessional?" Edward replied, chuckling. "Runs in the family."

"Carlisle just scored serious cool points with me," Bella announced, finishing her drink. "Where's the waitress? I really want that brownie dessert thing—"

A fierce vibration from Bella's purse interrupted all thought of gooey confections. She nearly fell from her chair as she scrambled for her bag, pawing her way quickly to her cell phone. Alice, immediately clueing in despite her buzz, clapped her hands and shrieked in anticipation.

"What the hell—"

"It could be Emily!" Alice explained to Jasper as Bella unlocked the display.

"Well?" Edward asked, nervous.

"One new text message," Bella mumbled, suddenly anxious. _What if she said no? What if he fumbled it?_ Swallowing hard, she opened the message, reading it aloud: "There is a two carat diamond on my hand right now and I am losing my mind – HOLY SHIT! HE DID IT!"

Their entire table broke out in jubilant cheers as Bella hurriedly texted back, congratulating the couple and confessing she'd known it was coming. After a minute, the phone buzzed anew, Bella laughing as she read the latest from Emily.

"Looks like we need to hurry this up; we're expected at Emily and Ro's room for champagne in an hour, or else."

"Finally!" Alice exclaimed. "It's been so hard not letting her in on it."

"I'm so happy for them. Looks like the deposits won't go to waste, huh?" Jasper mused.

Bella nodded her agreement, twisting her auburn waves into a loose knot at the nape of her neck in anticipation of their walk back to the Grand. She'd never doubted Emily's answer, even if Ronan had, but it was Jasper, strangely enough, who had talked Ronan into securing a formal wedding booking on the Grand's Terraza, as opposed to a drive-through chapel or similar.

"Nothing is too good for the woman you want to marry, no matter how simple her tastes run," Jasper had insisted weeks ago over dinner at Edward and Bella's apartment. "And if she declines for some crazy reason, I will marry Alice in your place and repay the deposits."

"I thought you wanted the big show?" Ronan had countered, glancing at Alice.

Before she was able to reply, Jasper had answered him: "I would marry her over and over. It's why I asked her."

It was enough to get Ronan off his ass and booking a coordinator at the Grand, scheduling a Monday afternoon ceremony and booking the Terrace room for their wedding night-to-be. Alice had already been entrusted with the duty of finding the bride's dress on the fly; Bella knew Emily's style, and was certain a formal gown would be her idea of a nightmare come to life. Elegant but simple was the goal. Bella shot a text to Rosalie next, whose response came in all caps: _FUCKING FINALLY!_

"Bella? Check time?" Edward asked, shattering her reverie.

"Oh, yes! Of course. Let's go celebrate the impending nuptials!"

* * *

_August 22, 2010  
12:25pm_

"Mmm... Alice, you are a genius!" Rosalie purred.

"I know," Alice replied with a happy sigh, revelling as her shoulders and neck received expert massaging. "I booked Emily in for a little extra for her special day, but we deserved pampering, too!"

Bella, Alice and Rosalie were currently in various stages of spa treats: Rosalie was mid-facial and Alice was relishing her massage, while Bella was just wrapping her sugar exfoliation. Emily was in another room enjoying a traditional Swedish massage, courtesy of her three sorta-bridesmaids. She needed it desperately; Emily was a bundle of nerves throughout breakfast, although she masked it fairly well with her smiles and focus on eating her eggs Benedict. Bella had already decided that a drink would be in order prior to dress shopping, lest the bride faint, even though her own stomach was still rolling from the previous night's debauchery.

Arriving at Ronan and Emily's room, several bottles of bubbly had been popped, the eight of them easily devouring Ronan's entire stash in spite of plenty of warm-up rounds at their respective dinner venues. By the time Bella and Edward had drunkenly ravaged each other in the shower and the bed, neither of them was speaking without a definite slur. Even Alice had stumbled down to breakfast, holding her forehead and mumbling in her misery. Luckily, their spa booking had revived them all nicely.

"There's our bride!" Rosalie called out as Emily entered their room, her skin glowing and a sly smile upon her lips. "How was the massage?"

"Oh my God, it was incredible!" Lowering her voice, Emily added, "That guy was so hot... If I was single, I would have forced my key card on him."

Bella gasped, shaking her head in mock disapproval, "One day engaged, and this? Tsk, tsk! What would Mr. O'Leary say?"

"He'd tell her to pick the female masseuse and share her," Rosalie answered, laughing at Alice's widening eyes. "Oh, please! If he's anything like Emmett, it's definitely in the spank bank."

"And have you indulged your husband, Mrs. Cullen?" Bella asked, sighing happily as Alice's masseuse began work on her aching neck and shoulders.

"If he's lucky, he can have it for an anniversary gift... but not the first. That one is all about me," Rosalie purred. "On an unrelated note, I really wish this whole headache-weird thing would stop, already. It's cutting into my vacation boozing."

"Still not feeling hot?" Emily asked, settling in for her facial.

Rosalie frowned. "Not really. It's better in the evenings, so I'm guessing Vegas heat just hates me. Oh well! I will enjoy myself, or die trying!"

"That's the spirit!" Bella joked. "Now, speaking of death... when do you wish to depart for shopping, Alice?"

"Ha, ha," Alice retorted, "We should be done here by one-ish? So I figure one-thirty is good. I already scoped out a few options during my shopping yesterday, so it's a matter of your preferences and sizing. I'm thinking casual and sexy; is that okay Emily?"

Emily beamed. "Sounds perfect for me. God, I really did not see this coming! And all of you kept it secret for what, three months?" Emily shook her head in disbelief. "Are you sure we don't have to check in on anything, like the officiant, or flowers?"

"All taken care of!" Alice gushed. "The boys are finalizing all of those details this afternoon. You just have to get pretty for the big day."

"I'm so jealous, Emily," Bella suddenly announced, biting her lip. "I mean, you're skipping all of the awful and tiring parts of your wedding. No family making demands—"

"Ugh, don't remind me!" Rosalie groaned, recalling her mother's psychotic control of her own big day.

"You also don't have months upon months of anxiety, you know? No worrying about every detail, no guest lists or invitations or RSVPs... It's just you two, a few friends, and love. It's nice," Bella concluded, reaching for Emily's hand. "You guys are doing this smart. Ronan hates all of that, too, so I know he's thrilled."

Emily smiled, waving away her attendant to dab at her moist eyes. "Aww, Bella... You are one of the dearest people to me. Like the sister I never had, you know? You know me so well, telling Ronan to elope... It's perfect."

"It really is. The Terraza's gorgeous, Em. We'll show you on the way to the stores," Alice insisted.

"Bella, why are _you_ having a formal wedding?" Emily asked suddenly. "You hate the big show as much as I do."

Bella paused, stumbling over her words, "I... Well, we haven't discussed it yet. Other than not wanting a huge deal like Rosalie's – no offense, of course. I just hate attention."

"None taken," Rose said softly, smiling. "It's your day, Bella. It's about you and Edward. I wanted to have the big to-do, and see my distant cousins. Alice wants to be a princess, but that's her style. You and Edward should do it your way, and to hell with anyone's opinions."

"I'm just terrified of the whole thing, so I try not to think of it yet, you know?" Bella sighed deeply. "I want to marry him, no question. I just don't want to be the focus of everyone's attention. It's not me."

Emily gasped, her hands flailing as her eyes widened. "Bella, that's it! You don't _have_ to be the center of attention!"

As Alice's face lit up, Bella stared at the two of them in confusion. "I'm not sure I get what you mean..."

Emily inhaled deeply, squeezing Bella's hand. "You should get married, too. Tomorrow, with me."

* * *

_**Sneaky Emily and her grand ideas! But will ever-anxious Bella go for it? Will Edward? You'll just have to wait and see!**_

_**In the meantime, I have big news: I am writing and releasing a novel in the Spring! It's original fiction and not based upon any fanfiction (I don't believe in that; fanfic is fanfic). It will, however, appeal to Tattoos fan, as it centres on a troubled character wrestling with what is real and what is in her head.**_

__**For details, and to read the Prologue, head here for directions: autumnbrody[dot]wordpress[dot]com**


	43. FFMI: What Happens In Vegas Pt2

_**AN: Hello to all my new readers, and welcome back old friends! I meant to post this sooner, but life and the novel happened. Hopefully, you'll forgive me? Hey, I did say I'd never post this outtake publicly, so... love me! **_

_**I'm kidding. I'm glad to hear from everyone again. Now, part two (a little shorter than the others, but the third part will be worth the wait)  
**_

* * *

**_Previously, in Vegas..._**

_"Bella, why are you having a formal wedding?" Emily asked suddenly. "You hate the big show as much as I do."_

_Bella paused, stumbling over her words, "I... Well, we haven't discussed it yet. Other than not wanting a huge deal like Rosalie's – no offense, of course. I just hate attention."_

_"None taken," Rose said softly, smiling. "It's your day, Bella. It's about you and Edward. I wanted to have the big to-do, and see my distant cousins. Alice wants to be a princess, but that's her style. You and Edward should do it your way, and to hell with anyone's opinions."_

_"I'm just terrified of the whole thing, so I try not to think of it yet, you know?" Bella sighed deeply. "I want to marry him, no question. I just don't want to be the focus of everyone's attention. It's not me."_

_Emily gasped, her hands flailing as her eyes widened. "Bella, that's it! You don't have to be the center of attention!"_

_As Alice's face lit up, Bella stared at the two of them in confusion. "I'm not sure I get what you mean..."_

_Emily inhaled deeply, squeezing Bella's hand. "You should get married, too. Tomorrow, with me."_

Bella felt herself blanch, her stomach turning. "To-tomorrow? Emily, no—"

"Bella, _yes_. It would just be the eight of us, and you wouldn't be the center of anything, because there would be two brides. Like two sisters." Emily sniffled, dabbing her eye. "Bella, I'm scared, too. I'd feel so much better, and so would you."

"But Edward? It's his decision, too," Bella protested.

"He would marry you ten minutes from now if you phoned and asked him, silly," Alice countered, grinning. "I can make it all work out. Just say the word, and it's done."

Bella remained silent, weighing out the possibilities. Edward would definitely agree to this; he'd hinted at elopement a couple of times since June, usually in tandem with Alice enthusiastically regaling them with her latest planning choices. _I swore Alice would be first!_ Bella argued with herself. _But that was when it was a full wedding on the table. This would be simple: no receptions or dances_. Her next thought gave her pause, and it tumbled out of her pursed lips.

"What about our parents? My dad? Carlisle? I know how much it would mean to them to be at our wedding. None of you can dispute that."

Rosalie considered this for a moment. "You're right about that. But you know, your dad understands your fears of marriage, right? And Carlisle would just want you to be happy."

"And there's always a renewal in Forks at the courthouse for them," added Alice.

Remembering Rosalie's monster affair, and staring at Emily's pleading expression, Bella listened to her gut instincts. "Okay. Okay, I will if Edward will."

Her three friends shrieked in a chorus, Alice immediately seeking out her Blackberry and tapping furiously on the keys. Overwhelmed, Bella began to tremble with anxiety and... happiness. _Yes... eloping is right for me. No more worrying; just me and Edward, forever_. The staff of the spa congratulated her as Alice hummed triumphantly over her phone, prompting Bella to poke her in the arm and demand explanation.

"They haven't had the final meeting with the planner, yet, so it'll be easy to add you on, I'm sure," Alice explained.

"Um, shouldn't I talk to Edward first?" Bella asked anxiously.

"Duh! That's why Eeyore's about to ring my cell," Alice replied with a wink.

And sure enough, Alice's well-worn ringtone of the Glee rendition of Journey's Faithfully announced an incoming call, punctuating her words. With a giggle, Alice answered the call, feigning nonchalance.

"Hey, Eeyore! What's up?" After a brief pause, Alice said, "Nope, I don't need you. Your fiancée does. One sec." Handing over the phone, Alice winked. "Take it away, Bella."

Hesitating briefly as to how she would broach this subject, Bella finally settled on humour. "Hi, babe... I'm fine, but um, Alice and I are trying to settle a bet, and it concerns you... So, um, Alice says she's certain that if I asked you to marry me ten minutes from now, you'd be fine with it; is she right?" Bella flushed crimson as Edward enthusiastically endorsed the idea, reminding her she was his soul mate. "So, um, ten minutes is out... What about tomorrow?... Hold on a sec." Dropping the phone from her mouth, Bella whispered, "He thinks I'm joking."

"Put his ass on speaker!" Emily demanded.

Alice worked the keys quickly, engaging speakerphone, and Bella continued, "Edward? Can you hear me?"

"Yeah," he answered, sounding puzzled. "Am I on speaker?"

"You bet your ass you are!" Emily responded sassily. "Edward, it took me forever to talk this woman into doubling with me. Please just shut the fuck up and reassure your bride?"

A beat. "Bella, she's serious?"

"Uh huh, and I'm, um, losing my nerve, so hurry the hell up—"

The women exploded in laughter as Edward screamed, Emmett mumbling something along the lines of 'what the fuck' in the background. Bella felt tears fighting to the surface as Edward, gasping for air, finally answered her request.

"I will abso-fucking-lutely marry you, tomorrow. I love you."

"Love you, too," Bella echoed.

"Okay, get the hell off my phone! These spa people are gonna kick us out if we keep making their job difficult, and I have two brides to dress now," Alice insisted. "Get a nice outfit, Edward, or your ass will be kicked soundly."

"Yeah, yeah Tink! I'm on it. Enjoy your spa, ladies. And Bella?"

"Yeah?"

She could feel him smiling through the phone. "Why would you even think of betting against Alice?"

Bella laughed at this. "I'm dumb?"

"_Goodbye, _Edward," Alice interrupted, hanging up. "My apologies, lovely people with massaging and facials. Do you see what I work with?"

"It's no trouble," a petite blonde replied, working to remove Bella's mask. "Although that was, admittedly, a first. Congratulations."

Bella fell silent for the rest of their appointment, her thoughts drifting to her mother. Renee was so against marriage, having been burned by it once. Bella could still recall the many conversations they'd had about the topic over the years – from the five year old's plaintive request to get back together with her daddy to her teenage suggestion that her mother deserved love. _I know how you felt, Mom, but maybe Edward had a point when he proposed. Maybe you and Dad were just not right for each other. _ Bella fervently hoped that somewhere, her mother was watching over her, giving her blessing.

Parting ways at the elevator, each woman scurrying to change in fifteen minutes for their dress shopping excursion, Bella continued to think of her parents, analyzing their relationship and their personalities. _Mom was never one to settle in a small town; it's no wonder she moved to Phoenix. Dad loves Forks, and wouldn't leave if you paid him to_. Pulling on a white tank top and denim shorts for comfort, Bella had satisfied herself that she and Edward were rather different from Renee and Charlie when a sudden pounding at the door startled her.

"Edward, did you forget your key card?" Bella asked with a laugh, throwing open the door – and freezing.

"Rose? What's wrong?"

Rosalie ran a hand through her hair nervously. "I didn't want to be alone. Can I come in?"

Bella nodded, ushering her inside and engaging the security locks. "Alone for what? Rose, what happened? Did Emmett act like an asshole?"

Rosalie shook her head furiously. "No, he's wonderful. He's always wonderful, even when he makes me mad. It's... Fuck..."

Pulling out a small paper bag, she thrust it at Bella in explanation. Confused, Bella glanced inside, and immediately gasped.

"Whoa... The headaches... Rose, could it be?"

Rosalie burst into tears. "I'm two weeks late. I just realized when I was changing, putting on perfume, and I saw tampons in my case. I'm so scared, Bella. I'm so scared to find out."

Bella embraced her tightly, smoothing her hair. "A few months ago, you told me this was probably impossible. What if it's not? Is that good news?"

Rosalie nodded furiously. "I want a baby so badly... But they all told me that it wasn't... And it's only been a couple months since I went off the pill. It just seems so... But I'm late." Swallowing hard, Rosalie pulled back. "If I take it, will you...look?"

Bella smiled reassuringly. "Of course I will. I'll be waiting right out here."

As Rosalie shut the bathroom door gently, Bella began to pace, her hands shaking. Bella was one of the few people in the Cullen extended family aware of Rosalie's past, so it was no wonder she'd come to Bella. When Rosalie had spoken of her first fiancé, Roy, and the physical abuse she'd endured at his brutal hands, she'd told Bella the doctors were almost certain she'd never conceive, due to the damage done to her uterus in Roy's last vicious assault. _But until they married, she and Emmett weren't trying_, Bella noted to herself. Were the doctors wrong?

"It's 60 seconds," Rosalie mumbled as she opened the door, wandering towards the nearby sofa and collapsing into it. "I'm sorry to dump this on you, Bella, but you _know_—"

"Stop, Rose; of course you should have come to me," Bella chided. "You're going to be my sister-in-law tomorrow, remember?"

Rosalie smiled weakly. "I can't believe Alice is going to be last. She's been designing wedding dresses since puberty hit."

"I know... I can't believe it, either." With a nervous glance towards the bathroom, Bella said, "Um, I'm going to go check it."

"Okay. Okay," Rosalie repeated, bowing her head.

Reluctantly, Bella stepped into the small room with the toilet, upon which sat a white plastic wand with two little windows. If the test was negative, it would break her heart to be the bearer of that news. But if it were positive...

"Please, don't be bad news," Bella whispered, scanning the directions on the box. "Rosalie deserves this... Please..."

Picking up the wand, Bella held it beside the box, biting her lip as she examined the test and control windows. _Pregnant_. Rosalie was, if the test could be trusted, unexpectedly pregnant.

"What's it say?" Rosalie called out anxiously. "There's a control window to check if I did it right, I think? Oh God, I really don't want to have to go buy another..."

With a deep breath and the test in hand, Bella stepped out of the bathroom, her voice shaky as she spoke. "Positive."

Rosalie blanched, sinking back against the opposing wall. "P-positive? Are you sure?"

Bella smiled softly, holding out the wand and box. "See for yourself, Mama. There's a plus sign with your name on it."

Rosalie's hand shook as she reached for the test, her head shaking slightly side to side in disbelief. "But they said... There was so much tearing, and m-my left ovary..." Glancing at the test for herself, her knees buckled and she sobbed, "I'm pregnant?"

Bella moved swiftly, catching Rosalie beneath her arms and dragging her towards a nearby chair. Rosalie continued to sob quietly, brushing tears aside as rapidly as they trickled from her troubled blue eyes. Unsure of her reaction, Bella settled down on the arm of the chair, holding her hand gently.

"Hey, Rose... I thought you wanted this."

Rosalie nodded furiously. "I do! I'm sorry, it's just... I resigned myself to it... Or a long time... I haven't been married three months!"

"Well, maybe Emmett has super sperm?" Bella joked lightly, trying to lighten the mood.

Rosalie giggled, a smile crossing her lips. "Don't give him any ideas! But... Bella, you have to promise not to tell anyone."

Bella frowned at this as she balked, "What? Rosalie, this is good news!"

Rosalie sighed, shaking her head. "But what if it's a false hit? Or what if it's ectopic, and doomed to just... go away?" She sniffled, burying her face in her hands. "And I was drinking the last few weeks! Bella, I was _drinking_! I can't break his heart by getting his hopes up. I have to wait until I know more. Bella, seriously... I can't do this to him."

Bella shook her head. "Rose, look: if there's something I've learned in the last year with Edward, it's that relationships are a partnership. You're a team. The whole point is to be able to lean on each other, and support each other. Emmett knows what the doctors said, and can probably appreciate that this might not go well the first time, or even the second. You need support. You need family. I can't make you do anything, but please, listen to someone who hid her pain from someone and nearly died for it: tell him. Fuck, tell Edward and Alice, too, and Carlisle, even Jasper. Maybe skip your folks, though," Bella added wryly, shuddering at her memories of Lilian Hale, Rose's pretentious and self-absorbed mother. "You told me before that you'd eventually have to say something so people wouldn't constantly ask about kids, right? Maybe now's the time?"

Rosalie mulled the words silently, twisting her blonde locks about her fingers as she cried. Bella moved quickly to the nearby table, pulling a bottle of water from their slushy ice bucket and handing it over. She nodded, cracking it open and knocking back half of the contents quickly, pressing the cool plastic to her forehead. Her hand drifted to her abdomen, Bella noticed, as she struggled to regain composure.

"You're right," Rosalie finally whispered. "I tried to deal with all of the Roy shit myself and it... Well, it still haunted me, even though I got counselling. Until I started talking to people, and letting them listen—"

A pounding on the door startled the two of them, both women gasping. Frantically, Bella dove for the test and box on the ground, stuffing them into the garbage.

"Hey guys, are you ready? Emily's already downstairs," Alice called through the door.

"One sec!" Bella replied loudly. To Rosalie, she whispered, "Let's tell Alice now, okay? One person."

Rosalie nodded reluctantly. "Yeah. Yeah, okay. She can tell me how to tell Emmett."

Flustered and emotional, Bella threw open her door and yanked Alice inside without explanation, ignoring the pixie's gasps of indignation. Securing the extra locks anew, Bella pushed Alice into the room, unable to speak.

"What's wrong?" Alice demanded. "I know something's... Rose? Why are you crying? Is it something my brother's done?"

"Sort of," Rose answered, making Bella chuckle in spite of herself. "Alice, I have to tell you something, and you have to promise not to say anything about it to anyone for now. Okay?"

Alice's eyes darted back and forth, taking in Rosalie's flushed cheeks and swollen eyes, and Bella's pacing back and forth near the sofa. "Um, okay? You're scaring me, for the record."

Rosalie glanced over at Bella for moral support then spoke quietly, "I've been sort of... not telling the family something important. Something Emmett knows," she added quickly, "And Edward, and Bella... But no one else... Alice, I... I was engaged before Emmett."

Alice frowned. "I'm not sure I understand why you had to hide that, Rose. It happens—"

"He beat me," Rosalie blurted out. "Badly. Often... My chin doesn't look quite the same as it did before him. Bad."

"Oh, shit," Alice murmured. "Rose, I am so sorry! What a fucking bastard! Please tell me he's rotting in the ground? Because I can help him on his way there, so help me."

"Get in line behind Emmett," Bella interjected. "He's in prison. Rose pressed charges after the last time."

Alice exhaled loudly. "Whoa... That's so brave. I'm glad you did that, because we all know that doesn't always happen. And I'm glad you're trusting me with this, Rose, but I'm not sure what has you so upset right now. Does he live here?"

"No," Rose said softly. "Alice, when he... the last time, he broke a lot of bones and the doctors... They told me I'd never have children, because of the damage he did." Rose sobbed once, shaking her head. "Broke me to hear that..."

Alice immediately crouched down by Rosalie, hugging her tightly, "Oh, honey... That asshole... I'm so sorry..."

"That's not all," Bella said. "Rose, can you, or do you want me to?"

Rosalie waved at Bella, "N-no... " In the faintest whisper, Rosalie confessed to Alice: "I'm pregnant."

Alice gasped, "What? You are? How?"

"That's the trouble," Bella explained gently as Rosalie collapsed into incoherent sobs. "She's afraid it's not going to stick, because of the damage Roy did to her. So she's afraid to say anything without seeing a doctor, but I told her she needs support, and lots of it."

"Absolutely!" Alice echoed. "Rosalie, you're family, and no matter what happens, you've got an army of Cullens in your corner, okay? Does Emm know yet?"

Rosalie shook her head, pointing to the trash. "I just... took it..."

"We should tell him today," Alice insisted. "He should be supporting you. I'll make sure everyone scatters after dinner or something, to give you time." Rubbing Rose's back in circles, Alice whispered, "It's going to be fine. He loves you, the end. And hey, something's working there, so there's hope, right?"

Rosalie nodded slightly. "I guess... Is this the hormonal crap they tell you about? Because it sucks!"

Bella handed her several tissues. "It's okay; we'll still love you when you're screaming for pickle-flavoured cookies or whatever at midnight."

Rosalie laughed, dabbing her eyes. "Oh lord! I refuse to eat anything like that. I don't care; that's just gross!"

"C'mon, get up and splash your face so we can head downstairs before Emily feels forgotten," Alice urged, smiling.

"We'll get Godiva chocolate,too," Bella chimed in.

"YES! See, Rose? Good times ahead of you," Alice cheerily declared as Rosalie made her way towards the sink.

Splashing her face, Rosalie exhaled slowly. "Thank you. Both of you."

"That's what we're here for," Alice insisted. "And if Emily asks, you had a migraine, okay?"

"Well played, Alice!" Bella remarked, gathering her purse from the couch.

"That's why I'm queen planner!" Alice winked. "I have an answer for everything, ladies."

"Whew!" Rosalie shook her hair out, finger combing it. "Okay, I'm ready. Take us shopping!"

The day passed in a blur of change rooms, shoes and chocolate treats, and by the end of it, Bella was absolutely certain that her feet would fall right off. In fact, she'd decided, making her way down the fifth floor corridor, they would just have to stick her in a fucking chair and seat her before the officiant. Walk down an aisle? HA! Alice had effectively hobbled her with their jaunts around The Palazzo shops. _That goddamn shopaholic! I was quite fine with the first four dresses I tried on!_ Bella seethed inwardly, digging in her shorts for her key card. Even if the final winner was absolutely gorgeous, Bella was still irate.

_The Bitchella is back, and stone cold sober, an unfortunate fact_, Bella sang in her head as she opened the door.

"Hey, stranger," a familiar voice greeted her.

Bella grinned as she caught sight of Edward sprawled on their couch, "Hey... Guess Alice was right when she insisted in taking my dress with her so you wouldn't curse our sudden union."

"My sister's a pain, but a useful one," Edward murmured, rising to embrace her. "I missed you all day."

"And you're going to miss me all night," Bella replied sadly.

"What?"

Bella rolled her eyes, "Did you really think Alice wouldn't hold you to the whole not seeing the bride before the wedding thing? I have strict orders to inform you that you are bunking with Ronan tonight."

Edward groaned, pressing a growing... problem against Bella's thigh. "But I spent all day with flowers and suits! Don't I get something for that?"

Bella glanced at Edward's watch, palming his erection. "You get about an hour before we're due to be pulled apart. That time is supposed to be for dinner, but I'm kinda full on candy, myself."

"That's all?" Edward whined. "Bella Swan, do you not understand how sexy you are?"

"Um, nope! That's the rose-coloured glasses of love talking, Mr. Cullen."

Edward's hands seized the waistband of her shorts, pulling her roughly towards the bed. "Your hips are perfectly curved, just enough to get a good _grip_ when behind you..."

Bella flushed as electricity coursed her body, her hands pressing against the firm muscular chest before her. "I like it from behind."

He tugged open her fly as he continued to guide her across the room, his mouth brushing against her bare shoulders. "I love it from behind too," he whispered huskily. "I enjoy the sight of your tight _ass_—" at this, he gripped hers through her panties, eliciting a moan, "—and the freedom to lean forward and sink my teeth into your shoulder."

Bella's hands tore at Edward's jeans as he nipped along her collarbone. "Fuck!"

"I definitely love doing that," Edward continued, sinking his left hand into her silk crimson panties, plunging a finger into her wet slit. "I love how wet you are, love the way your lips part as I touch you." His tongue ran along her lower lip as she moaned his name, his hand slipping further between her thighs. "Your breasts are perfect, so pert, your nipples always demanding my attention."

His jeans hit the floor with his boxers as Bella seized his shaft, pumping it slowly as her legs quivered. Wordlessly, his mouth moved in to claim hers, her tongue meeting his in a frenzy of metal and heat as he continued to bring her closer to that delicious brink, that place where all time and sense fell away. Stumbling, she pulled him onto the bed beside her, writhing as he slid two fingers inside of her, his thumb still rolling over the tiny bundle of nerves that seemed hardwired to his touch.

"I love you," she panted, breaking their kiss with a gasp. "So close..."

He moved faster, his free hand cupping her breast as she stroked him, revelling in the guttural noises he made at the contact. Bella's core tightened and she allowed herself to freefall, crying out loudly as the orgasm rolled over her body. Edward's breath was hot on her ear as he moved over her, scarcely allowing her to come down before thrusting deep into her. Her fingers dug into his shoulders as he moved within her, his left hand hitching her knee up higher, deepening his strokes.

"Shit, Bella, I'm not gonna last," Edward groaned loudly, burying his face in her neck.

"Don't care... " Bella whimpered, a second climax rising within her as she arched her hips towards him.

Each thrust was forceful enough to drive her further back along the bed, her head fast approaching the oak header as they moaned and gasped. The entire world could collapse around them, and Bella knew she would neither care nor notice; every caress, every kiss, his lips grazing her ear – these were all she knew as pleasure rolled over her, slamming into her with the force of Edward's final thrusts as he grunted her name. Colours spun in the room as she came again, came with him, their bodies collapsed in a sweaty tangle as each regained breath.

"I love you," he murmured, kissing her cheek. "I'm sorry about that."

"Huh?" Bella shook her head, dragging a deep inhale into her starved lungs. "Fuck, the room's spinning..."

"You okay? Water?" Edward asked, suddenly concerned.

"Yeah... Um wow! So that's what they mean when they say 'fucked your brains out'!" Bella gasped.

Edward chuckled, satisfied with himself apparently, as Bella lay limp, her heart racing wildly. Even a quickie from Edward far surpassed any other sex she'd had. Bella wondered if the love between them was the secret ingredient, that spark that started the brushfire whenever their bodies touched. Whatever it was, she wanted it forever. Rolling onto her side lazily, Bella's vision mostly righted itself as she sought the naked form of her future husband, finding him perfectly still, hand poised over the ice bucket as if time had stopped.

"Edward?"

He didn't speak, and Bella suddenly understood why: his gaze was locked on the trash. The trash containing the positive pregnancy test. _Oh, shit!_

* * *

_**Oh, crap! I really hope Edward's learned to keep calm now...  
**_

_**In the meantime, I am writing and releasing a novel in the Spring! It's original fiction and not based upon any fanfiction (I don't believe in that; fanfic is fanfic). It will, however, appeal to Tattoos fan, as it centres on a troubled character wrestling with what is real and what is in her head.**_

**For details, and to read the Prologue, head here for directions: autumnbrody[dot]wordpress[dot]com**

**Follow me on Twitter for details of the novel and general babble: dillonac  
**


	44. FFMI: What Happens In Vegas Pt3

_**AN: Part three awaits... oh Edward, please breathe! And Bella, with her nerves... will she actually be able to go through with a wedding, especially with her Dad not there? Will Rose tell Emmett? Will Alice throw a tantrum over being last and elope too? Find out, as we return one last time to the world of Tattoos Like Mile Markers...  
**_

* * *

**_Previously, in Vegas..._**

_Edward chuckled, satisfied with himself apparently, as Bella lay limp, her heart racing wildly. Even a quickie from Edward far surpassed any other sex she'd had. Bella wondered if the love between them was the secret ingredient, that spark that started the brushfire whenever their bodies touched. Whatever it was, she wanted it forever. Rolling onto her side lazily, Bella's vision mostly righted itself as she sought the naked form of her future husband, finding him perfectly still, hand poised over the ice bucket as if time had stopped._

_"Edward?"_

_He didn't speak, and Bella suddenly understood why: his gaze was locked on the trash. The trash containing the positive pregnancy test. **Oh, shit!**_

"It's not mine!" Bella immediately blurted out, her brains suddenly back in their rightful home – her skull.

Edward's shoulders relaxed slightly as he turned around, his features ashen. "Bella?"

"It's Rosalie's," Bella said quickly. "I didn't have a chance to talk to you yet." At Edward's continued staring, she waved him closer urgently. "Come sit down and I'll fill you in. _I'm not pregnant, Edward_."

That seemed to do the trick, much to Bella's relief. Edward shook himself and returned to the end of the bed, sitting down beside her, water forgotten in hand. Bella stole the bottle from him, parched from exertion and cotton-mouthed from nerves.

"Rosalie came by this afternoon in a panic," Bella began, taking a gulp of water. "You know how she's been sick since we got here? Well, she realized she was late."

Edward's eyes widened. "But she told me—"

"And she told me it too. She believed it. Regardless, the test is positive, Edward. Rose is pregnant. But she's too terrified to enjoy it."

"Of course," Edward replied, his words rushing out. "It could be ectopic, given the state of her uterus, or could miscarry easily, or even be a false positive..."

"Exactly, Dr. Edward," Bella teased gently. "She didn't even want to tell Emmett until she saw a doctor, but I convinced her that she should have support. She needs us in her corner, either way. She wants this badly, Edward," Bella added. "God, I hope it... well, the baby makes it."

Edward's arm wrapped around her shoulders, pulling her against his bare chest. "You're a sweetheart, you know. And just think: a year ago, you hated each other. Hell, _I_ hated her!"

"Bridge, water, insert metaphor," Bella replied casually. "So, Ronan and Emily don't know, okay? Just the Cullen entourage."

"Zipped, got it." Edward laughed, shaking his head. "I was about to have a fucking heart attack when I saw that."

"I can imagine! I don't even know if I want kids at all," Bella confessed.

Edward smiled. "You know, me neither. I kind of like just us, at least for a long, long time."

Bella grinned. "Sounds heavenly to me. And we'll get right on that time starting tomorrow... But now, I have half an hour to find food and shower before joining Emily in being tortured with hairstyles by Alice."

"Nah, nah!"

Bella threw a pillow at Edward's head in a huff. "Screw you! I'm bathing now, and just for that, you are _not_ welcome to join me!"

Edward's face fell. "Hey, I'm sorry. I was teasing. Come on," he pleaded as Bella started the shower, shaking her head at him. "Bella, you can't deny me this last bit of time. Please?"

Rolling her eyes and giggling, Bella stepped into the shower. "Fine, but _no nookie_, and I mean it!"

Edward hurriedly joined her in the large stall, immediately reaching for the soap. With a sly grin, he lathered her breasts, earning a raised eyebrow from Bella.

"I said no nookie," Bella reminded him.

"I'm helping," Edward answered, smiling innocently as his hands drifted along her stomach. "You said you didn't have much time. Wash your hair."

"Cheater! Fine, then," Bella acquiesced, squirting shampoo into her palm and working it into her long waves. "This is a good idea, right? Eloping?"

Edward nodded. "I actually thought of it before proposing, to be honest. And it better be fine, because we already threw down a little extra cash for more photographer time and a little extra for the hotel and officiant."

"It wasn't too bad, was it?" Bella asked nervously. "I didn't even think of that. Stupid!"

"Bella, I have an enormous trust fund and access to Carlisle's credit. It wasn't any trouble at all, and far cheaper than a full wedding later on. I even switched our room for tomorrow night."

"Wait, what? What do you mean, switched?"

Edward's soapy hands pressed into the small of her back, "I got us a little extra for tomorrow. It's a Monday, so the hotel was not troubled at all. I'm not saying another word on it, so you'll just have to wait."

Bella huffed, rinsing her hair. "Meanie."

"You love me for it."

Bella sighed as she hunted down the conditioner. "I wish we'd planned this out, though. I hate Charlie and Carlisle not being here, you know?"

Edward frowned. "Yeah, that's the downside to this. But hey, it gives me an excuse to remarry you in front of them, and _that_ makes me smile."

Bella froze suddenly, eyes wild and panicked. "Rings! Edward, we don't have rings!"

Edward shrugged. "Yes we do."

"No, we don't! This wasn't planned! And we haven't even looked at any!"

"Bella, shh! I took care of it," Edward soothed, holding her close. "Breathe, baby. Everything is ready for tomorrow, okay?"

Bella frowned. "I have money too, you know! And opinions!"

"I know you do, and if you hate them, we'll just buy another set and remarry with those. As for money, if it means a lot, you can put more money into the honeymoon later then, deal?"

"Deal," Bella relented, rinsing her hair free of conditioner. "And don't you dare think I'll forget later on down the road, mister! I make decent _deniro_ at Breaking Dawn Designs now that I'm a full artist. I can ink up a honeymoon fund quite fast, alright?"

"Yes, sugar mama!" Edward teased with a mock salute.

"Outta my way; time to dry off," Bella ordered him, intentionally shaking her ass in his face.

"Cruelty..." Edward sighed, admiring the tattoo across her lower back as she reached for a towel. "You are in so much trouble tomorrow night."

Tossing her damp hair over her shoulder, Bella looked back at him and winked. "I'm counting on it."

With a shudder, Edward nudged the cold water higher, closing his eyes as lukewarm water drizzled down his skin. _Sensory overload... Gotta calm down before big brother Ronan gets here_. Rinsing his bronze hair quickly, Edward watched as Bella tucked her hair into a twist and clipped it in place, a scant few ringlets grazing her neck. _Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts_... His mental orders went ignored as Bella slid into a push-up bra that ought to be declared criminal for the plunging cleavage it created, then stepped into matching panties.

"You're killing me here!" Edward groused, killing the hot water completely in desperation.

"Will you calm down if I promise you can deflower me before the big dinner out?" Bella cooed, batting her eyes.

"Not enough," he complained, gesturing to the semi-erection struggling against the shrinking powers of a cold stream of water.

"Fine, let me help you: Lilian Hale naked."

Edward shuddered violently, striking the side of his head as he killed the shower. "That was just cruel. Total Bitchella moment."

Smoothing her t-shirt over her denim shorts, Bella smirked, "You're welcome!" Padding across the room, Bella pressed onto her toes, kissing his lips gently. "Goodnight, Edward. I love you."

"Love you too, you wicked woman," Edward murmured, caressing her cheek. "I'll meet you on the Terraza tomorrow, say, two pm?"

"I'll be the one in white," Bella answered with trepidation. "If I don't faint and fall on my face."

"Just breathe," Edward whispered. "It's us and a few friends. We can do this."

With a little shake, Bella stuffed her toiletries into her carry-on bag along with a few clothing items from her suitcase. Edward watched her hesitate as he began towelling off, noticing her biting her lip as she often did when stressed, and wondered for a moment if the whole wedding rush was a bad idea. Bella did struggle with anxiety and panic attacks, even if they'd drastically improved throughout the previous year.

"We don't have to do this," he offered up as consolation.

With a shy smile, Bella replied, "I want to. I'll just miss you. It's been a long time since we slept apart."

He moved closer, pressing his lips to the top of her head. "With any luck, it will be the last. Now go, before Alice kills me."

With one last kiss, Bella walked out the door, the automatic hinge slamming it behind her. The finality of it carved a hole in his heart. Even one night without Bella was one night too long, especially after he'd come so close to losing her last fall, on that horrible morning she'd given up on life and nearly surrendered to dozens of pills. _Too close_, he thought sadly. But that was the past; now, they had a wonderful future to look to. _Together_.

He dressed slowly, his mind wandering away to the afternoon, to the moment she'd called him and sprung elopement upon him. Somehow, Jasper was not surprised in the slightest; perhaps Alice had figured a double wedding to be in the offing? A few quick changes and an arrangement to pick up a licence in the morning, and all was set for the ceremony itself. Even the rings had panned out beautifully; the Bellagio had a Tiffany and Co. Store, and he was able to secure the bands matching Bella's engagement ring rather easily. Hopefully, she'd like them as much as he did; she did love her current ring, judging from the goofy grin that crossed her lips whenever she stared at it.

"Bella will love anything," he reminded himself as he zipped his jeans. Her lack of concern with the material was one of her many endearing qualities, even if it led to squabbles when he spoiled her, as she so richly deserved.

A firm rapping on the door signalled Ronan's arrival, and Edward rushed for the door then froze. _If he sees that test, I'll be castrated!_ Edward thought as he rushed back, ramming the test inside a paper bag on the chair and burying it under candy bar wrappers. Sucking in a deep breath, Edward threw open the door, smiling as he saw what Ronan swung in his right hand.

"Liquid courage?" he asked, offering up the large bottle of scotch.

"Hell yes. Come on in."

He'd faked it well for Bella, but the butterflies were nesting in his stomach too. A little drunken relaxation sounded like the perfect remedy for the proverbial fluttering pests. Watching as Ronan doled out the glasses from the cabinet and filled them halfway, Edward smiled to himself. He had Ronan to thank for Bella's presence in his life; without him fighting with Emily in the bar, there never would have been the demand to keep Bella occupied, and without that conversation...

"Well Cullen, this seems rather fitting," Ronan commented, passing Edward a glass. "I introduced you two properly, and you two convinced me to man up and propose."

"I was just thinking of that, and how I owe you for Bella," Edward mused aloud.

"As long as Emily doesn't run screaming for the hills tomorrow, I'd say we're even now." Ronan knocked back his double in a single gulp and immediately poured another. "I really love her, you know. I knew when I met her – in my gut – that I had to be with her."

"I know the feeling. How _did_ you two meet, anyway?" Edward asked, throwing back his glass and wincing at the burn.

Ronan laughed, averting his gaze as he mumbled, "Abarfight."

"I'm sorry, what?"

Ronan sighed, raising his voice. "A bar fight. Like a typical Irish guy, I got into a fight with some prick running his mouth. Knocked him out cold."

"And Emily?"

Ronan shrugged. "She was his girlfriend."

Edward nearly dropped the scotch in his hand. "You stole his girlfriend after knocking him out? Nice!"

"It's not as bad as it sounds!" Ronan protested. "He was calling her some pretty horrible things at the pool table beside me and my mates. I told him to watch his fucking mouth around a lady, and the rest is history."

Edward shook his head. "The things we do for women..."

"Ain't that the fuckin' truth. Cheers."

And with a clinking of glasses, the two grooms toasted the end of their bachelorhood. Neither one of them regretted it.

* * *

_August 23rd, 2010  
1:37 p.m._

"Are you nervous yet? Nervous? How about now?"

Edward wished for Jasper's mediating presence, cursing the fact he'd been volunteered by Alice to meet with the planner and officiant prior to the ceremony to finalize things. Emmett was a dog with a bone, teasing Edward as he knotted his tie before the full-length mirror. Edward loved his brother, but given the nerves that he refused to drink away, he was about thirty seconds away from sucker-punching him.

Well, that, and the fact his dad would have none of it.

Edward smiled faintly to himself as he flipped Emmett off casually, looking to the edge of the mirror; he could see his father standing against the wall opposite it, dressed in a black suit, his hair perfectly styled – a fact that forever irritated Edward, given his own unruly locks. A knocking at the hotel room door circa eight in the morning had roused Ronan and him from their slightly hung-over slumber; awaiting them on the other side of the door was a perky pixie, beaming as she presented two surprise guests: Carlisle Cullen and Charlie Swan.

"Huh?" was the best Edward had managed.

"Surprise!"

"What the fuck?" Ronan had cursed, shaking his head. "Cullen, am I seeing shit? God, did I drink that much? Em'll kill my ass—"

"No son, we're actually here – and you both need a goddamn shower," Charlie had declared, shaking his head. "Not that I'm surprised you gave your mutual bachelorhood an Irish wake."

Edward had then pulled Ronan to the side, admitting his sister and the two fathers. "But how—?"

Alice rolled her eyes and shoved Edward playfully. "Oh, please! Did you really think I wouldn't have pegged Bella for elopement? I had two tickets booked in case for them. When you agreed to the double wedding whammy, I had Jasper shoot Dad a text, and he notified Charlie."

"Does Bella know?"

"Nope! So don't spoil it, alright?"

Edward had quickly pulled his sister against him, embracing her tightly. "She's going to be so happy, Tink. Thank you." To Charlie and Carlisle, he'd added, "I'm so glad Alice pulled this off; it was our only regret about deciding to do this."

With a clapping of hands upon Edward's shoulders, Charlie Swan had dispelled all fears of lingering resentment between them:

"It would have been my only regret as well, Edward. Now, both of you, get the coffee brewing and sober it up. That's an order!"

Glancing now at his almost father-in-law – _shit, less than an hour_, he realized – Edward heaved a deep breath of relief. It was as if they were meant to elope, the way everything had fallen into place. Even the wedding itself was easily adjusted – which left Edward wondering if a certain meddling sister and her fiancé had pre-arranged _that_. In the end, it didn't matter: Bella would be his wife in scant minutes, and that was all he needed to know.

"I need a drink," Ronan grumbled. "I need ten."

"Not before the ceremony," Emmett rebutted. "Trust me; you won't want it anymore when you see her. You'll be impatient for it once she appears."

"My brother, the wuss," Edward teased, dodging a shove in retaliation.

"Fuck you, man! You _know_ I'm right on this."

Edward shrugged, refusing to give in, but his brother was right. Even picking up the licence three hours ago he'd been mesmerized, his heart skipping and racing at the sight of Bella; her auburn waves fell messily about her shoulders, her tiny tank top and tight jeans framing her curves to a perfection on par with the Sistine Chapel, as far as he was concerned. Alice had insisted they not kiss prior to their nuptials, complaining that the last-minute licencing was bad enough in her books; Bella had flipped her off, kissed her fingertips, then pressed them to Edward's waiting lips with a sly grin.

"Nah, nah," Bella had whispered.

His vivacious Bella, sassy and sarcastic, but also loving and generous: she was the perfect woman for him.

"Time, guys," Edward's father announced, tapping his wrist. "We need to get you out there before the ladies head out."

With a noticeable gulp, Ronan shuffled towards the door, fidgeting with the rings in his pocket as Charlie chastised him. Edward looked to his father, then rushed him for a hug, a scarce gesture between them but one he needed now. If Edward were successful at all at marriage, his father and mother would be the reason why. Carlisle's arms were strong, sturdy, safe; it was reassuring to know that support was here for him now, as it had always been.

"I'm proud of you," Carlisle said quietly.

"Thank you for never giving up on me, Dad," Edward replied softly, fighting off tears.

"I will always be in your corner," Carlisle insisted. "Just remember this: you are a team. You will fight, and you will face difficult days, but as long as you remember to face them together, with love and mutual respect, you will be happy."

Emmett slapped Edward's back affectionately. "True words, bro. Dad knows what he's talking about."

Edward turned towards Emmett, nodding. "You also have us in your team, come whatever with Rose..."

He kept his comment vague, given the promise to keep Rosalie's delicate condition private, but Emmett picked up on it. "I only need Rose," Emmett said. "Everything else is gravy."

"Shall we?" Carlisle asked, gesturing to the door.

Pausing briefly to check for the wedding bands in his own pocket, Edward nodded resolutely. "Absolutely."

* * *

Bella's jaw fell open as Alice finally allowed her to examine her carefully crafted make-up and hairstyle, her fingertips reaching up to graze the soft ringlets framing her face. Why she had doubted her for even a moment, Bella didn't know; Alice knew her tastes, and as much as she loved to torment Bella by playing Barbie, when it mattered most, Alice was true to Bella's desires. The soft lilac shadow was a mere dusting across her lids, complimenting the pale shimmery gloss upon her heart-shaped lips. Her pale features were played up with a hint of blush upon her cheekbones, so faint it appeared perfectly natural. Her hair was swept into a loose mess of curls secured near the nape of her neck, a few tendrils roaming free – "To keep you cool out there," Alice had declared before pouncing.

"Wow..."

"You're welcome!" Alice trilled happily, turning now to Emily with her eye shadow palette. "You've cried yours off again! Stop that!"

"I can't help it," Emily whimpered, dabbing at stray tears. "I just... I never thought this day would come, and it's _here_ and I love Ro so much—"

"Oh, go easy on her!" Rosalie interjected. "I almost threw up on you on my big day, remember? A bride _should_ be this happy." Kneeling beside Emily, Rose's expression grew stern, although her tone remained playful. "Now cut it the fuck out!"

Emily chuckled as Alice quickly dusted pink over Emily's eyes, scrutinizing her handiwork. "It'll have to suffice. We're due out there in ten minutes, and I need to secure your veil still."

Bella smiled encouragingly at her fellow bride, smoothing over her dress anxiously. The ivory white cocktail dress was thigh-length, with hints of silver woven through the skirt. The empire waist hugged her breasts and pushed them up somehow, lending an extra half cup to her décolletage, its thin spaghetti straps embellished with black lace. She'd refused a veil, insisting it was not her style, but Emily had gone for the whole package, insisting on a veil and tiara combo adorning her chin-length blonde waves. Her strapless dress hugged her slender frame to her knees, the sweetheart neckline giving way to lightly embroidered skirting and a frilly hemline. It was far more feminine than Bella's choice, but also quirky enough for an artist's quickly-chosen wedding ensemble.

Alice and Rosalie had both splurged on new dresses in spite of packing their own, unable to resist the temptation of their Visas. Alice's silky cerulean garment swished about her thighs, the diamond-encrusted halter her idea of 'Vegas maid of honour'; Rosalie had chosen a crimson silk number of her own, the plunging neckline accenting her ample cleavage while flaring out at the waist to conceal her stomach – which Alice had noted was a little bump-ish, much to Rosalie's hopeful delight. As Emily had showered that morning, Rosalie had confided to Bella and Alice that Emmett had reacted wonderfully to her news; he'd held her tightly, assuring her that she was every bit the woman he wanted, no matter what happened or didn't happen down the line. He'd then texted his father, informing him of the news and requesting he arrange an examination for their arrival home. Not that Bella had expected any differently from Emmett: he was a teddy bear at heart, and worshipped Rosalie.

"Flowers," Rosalie announced, pulling Bella from her reverie.

Bella's hand shook as she accepted the small twine-bound bouquet of calla lilies. "Yeah, right. Flowers. There's flowers at weddings."

"Breathe, Bella," Alice encouraged her.

"I am," Bella insisted, "I can breathe. I have to stay calm."

Rosalie grinned. "Just follow your own advice to me: think dirty thoughts of Edward."

_Hmm... Shower sex... God, he looked hot in the shower last night!_ Bella licked her lips unconsciously, triggering a burst of laughter from the ladies. _I definitely enjoy thinking of him naked. Anxiety? What's that_? And just like that, Bella felt her shoulders release.

"Alright, we've got something old – your own jewellery; something new – dresses, of course; something borrowed – the clutches you two swapped to be sneaky—" Alice paused, shaking her head in amusement as Bella and Emily high-fived. "—And something blue is covered by the garter belts that are purely for show and male amusement. We're almost set, except for one more thing: I have a gift for you, Bella."

Bella frowned. "Alice, I thought I told you no gifts were necessary from _any of you_."

Alice shrugged. "Like I ever obey anyone! One sec, okay?"

Alice darted from the prep room provided by the MGM Grand, an armoire and changing area situated near the indoor chapels that they'd been gracious enough to supply. Bella turned immediately to Rosalie, demanding answers.

"I have no idea, Bella."

"Rose," Bella warned.

"No, seriously! Alice told me there was a gift, but refused to clue me in because she figured I'd cave!" Rosalie elaborated, throwing her hands up. "You only have a few moments to wait."

A knocking on the door startled Bella. "Did it lock her out?" she asked.

"It shouldn't have," Rosalie murmured, confused.

Impatiently, Bella briskly marched towards the door in her mercifully low wedge heels, considering physical violence as a means of punishing Alice for her overly generous ways. Upon opening the door, however, Bella froze, the air knocked clear out of her lungs.

"Dad?" she whispered hoarsely.

"Hey, Bells," Charlie Swan said gently. "Don't I get a hug?"

Embracing him tightly, tears welling up, Bella noticed a second unexpected guest lingering behind her father. Gasping, Bella steadied her weak knees with her father's assistance as she greeted his companion.

"Carlisle! How did you..." Bella stopped herself as Alice skipped back into view, her own eyes moist. "My gift?"

"You really didn't think I'd let your dads miss this, did you?" Alice chided lovingly.

"But it was so last minute!" Bella insisted, shaking her head. "How did you both get here on time?"

"When Alice told me she wanted me on standby to fly to Vegas, I thought she was nuts. 'No way my Bells will marry so quickly after a proposal,' I told her," Charlie began lovingly. "But she said, 'Trust me, and clear your calendar, Chief.' So I did, and sure enough, Dr. Cullen calls yesterday, telling me to pack my bag."

"No one bets against Alice, Dad. I keep telling you that," Bella murmured.

"It's so good to see you, Chief," Emily gushed, moving forward to greet Bella's father. "Ronan will be thrilled."

"_Is_ thrilled," Carlisle corrected. "The men have known about our presence for several hours now. That aside, Charlie was telling me that your own father is no longer with us, Emily."

Emily nodded, her features clouding slightly. "He overdosed when I was little; my mother abandoned me soon after. Chief Swan's been my dad of sorts for some time."

"Well, I know we're not as well acquainted, but it would be a privilege to escort you to the altar today, if you wish," Carlisle offered warmly.

Emily nodded wordlessly, beaming as Bella chuckled. "I'd take that as a yes, Carlisle," Bella quipped.

"Ladies, it's a minute to two!" Rosalie announced. "Haul ass!"

Bella's arm slid through her father's as Carlisle took Emily with him. Her hand trembled as they made their way across the lobby and towards the mirrored doors to the Terraza, despite all of her father's reassurances. It wasn't marriage she feared now; Bella was simply overwhelmed at the incredible love in her family, at how much they'd given her, even though she'd often hurt them in the past with her actions. Unconditional love, the psychologists called it, and she had it in spades.

Rosalie and Alice slipped outside first to join their men, leaving the two brides nervously awaiting their time to move. Moments later, the Grand's on-site planner stepped inside, smiling warmly in her emerald green suit jacket and skirt.

"Are we ready ladies?" she asked cheerfully.

Emily nodded firmly. "Let's do it. Music, electronic maestros!"

The planner gave the indication and the traditional wedding march began to play in the courtyard. Emily's hand sought Bella's, squeezing it quickly in a gesture of support.

"Who's first?"

"You," Bella insisted. "Definitely you."

Carlisle stepped through the door, his hand reaching for Emily's as he pulled her out into the sun-drenched courtyard. Bella bit her lip and turned to her father, seeking words of comfort; she was not disappointed.

"You've made a wise choice, Bella," he said. "You're going to be so happy."

"Thank you, Daddy," Bella answered, leaning up to kiss his cheek. "Time to go."

The first thing she saw was Edward, despite no foreknowledge of the layout of the space. It was as if her heart sent out a beacon, its own form of sonar, pinging off his eagerly waiting body. His eyes met hers immediately, his smile widening as he took the sight of her in, and she giggled in spite of herself. She wanted to run down the small aisle crafted between a single row of chairs, run into his strong arms and tell him how proud she was to become his wife. How sure she was of this, of _them_. Her father kept their pace steady, albeit a little brisk, as Charlie perhaps sensed his daughter's eagerness. As Emily joined Ronan just ahead, Bella's heart melted at the way they stared at each other, oblivious to all others now that they'd been reunited.

She understood; as her father pressed her hand into Edward's, all sense of time and place faded from Bella's mind. The world was Edward and her, and their passion for each other.

"Let us begin," the officiant declared, and Bella rocked on her heels, remembering the rest of their assembled group.

The ceremony was non-religious and basic, keeping with Bella and Emily's mutual preference for minimalism. The one exception to the stripped-down exchange of vows and intent was Edward and Bella's choice to quote song lyrics for each other, a decision agreed upon by text during the morning's bustling madness.

As Edward took her left hand and slid the diamond-adorned platinum band onto her finger, he recited his chosen lyrics: "_Don't ask me what you know is true. Don't need to tell you that I love your precious heart. I was standing; you were there. Two worlds collided, and they can never tear us apart_."

"I love you," Bella whispered, taking Edward's band from the officiant and placing it on his finger. "_I am aglow with the taste of the demons driven out, and happily replaced with the presence of real love – the only one that saves_."

As both couples were pronounced husband and wife, a smattering of applause (and Emmett hooting) broke out as each union sealed with a kiss. Propriety be damned as far as Bella was concerned, she threw her arms around Edward's neck, their tongues meeting in a fiery, furious kiss, Bella teasing her husband with her tongue bar, lightly dragging it along his lower lip. Her mind drifted back to the night they'd first come together, passion born of desperation and despair; she remembered the way he'd held her, the way her torso crushed against his, their limbs creeping ivy around the walls of their respective hearts.

_I was his before I was born_, she thought suddenly. _My life was a journey, Edward the destination._

Surfacing from the bliss of their first kiss as a married couple, Bella drank in the sight of their smiling family and friends – including Ronan, who'd swept Emily up into his arms, her legs dangling to his left – and felt the last vestiges of her mental bulwark crumble into ether. Every moment, pained and precious, that had brought her to this place in time was worth the struggle. The best part of it, she mused as she hugged her father, was that, in spite of the rocky three years marking her entry into adulthood, her life had only just begun. Bella planned to enjoy every single second of it to the fullest.

"Well, Mrs. Cullen," Edward whispered in her ear, "I believe you made a promise yesterday before blue-balling me."

Bella feigned innocence, batting her eyes at Edward. "Oh? I have no idea what you mean, Mr. Cullen."

"You wicked woman... I'll show you soon – shit, Emily wants you," Edward murmured. "But we're not done this discussion."

"Bella!" Emily squealed, throwing her arms around her. "We did it! We actually did it!"

"And I even managed not to vomit on anyone's shoes," Bella snarked. "I'm pretty proud of myself for that one."

"Oh, I know! I almost keeled over when the guy started the ceremony," Emily confessed. "Thank you for doing this; it made the day even more perfect. And _you_!" Emily added, hugging Edward. "You've come quite a way, you manwhore!"

"I was never _that_ bad," Edward protested, eyeing Ronan for assistance. Ronan merely rubbed his shaved head and grinned, forever a cocky Irishman. _Mick the Prick_, Edward groused inwardly, borrowing Bella's moniker for him.

Emily giggled. "He was a ladykiller; don't let him deny it, Bella. All teasing aside, I'm so happy for you both. I used to worry about you two – separately, of course; this was before I knocked Ronan in the head with a stool and you connected – and now, you're just... Gah! I'm being a girl!" Emily admonished herself, flushing crimson.

"You _are_ a girl, Em," Ronan teased, pulling Bella into a hug. "There's no way tucking would work for this many years."

"I don't know, Mick; you aren't that bright," Bella quipped, kissing his cheek. "And she does kick your ass on a regular basis."

"Stuff it, brat!" Ronan gently ordered her. "It's been a long time since you pulled your bitch act on First Beach with me, huh?"

"God, I know. All teasing aside, you are the best brother I could have ever adopted, Ronan O'Leary," Bella replied. "Except for your taste in music – but that's improved, though, courtesy of _moi_."

"Um, who introduced you to The Gathering?" Ronan countered.

"Who woke your ass up to Arcade Fire?" Bella fired back.

"Edward, we may need to take cover," Emily cautioned, stifling a laugh. "They can get nasty..."

"I'm the one who turned you on to Guano Apes, missy. Never mind Cursive."

Bella snickered, "Yeah, but I made you aware of Tim Kasher's superior band, The Good Life."

Ronan playfully poked Bella's chest, driving her back a step. "You never would have had a clue about The Red Paintings if I hadn't driven you to see The Dresden Dolls and insisted on seeing the bloody opener!"

Bella huffed, her face flushed. "And I dragged _you _to Amon Amarth early to see Eluveitie open!"

"Congrats!" Alice chirped from behind Edward. Bella and Ronan remained oblivious, prompting her to poke her brother and demand answers.

"They're arguing over whose music taste was more shaped by whom," Edward explained, shaking his head.

"Bella will win," Alice remarked casually. "So, how's it feel to be married?"

From a few feet away, Bella threatened to spike Ronan with her heel, declaring, "I freaking introduced you to the entirety of awesome that is Canadian alternative, mister! That's dozens of bands, including Fallacy Flow!"

Edward grinned, "It's perfect, but you knew that would be my answer, Tink."

"Eeyore no more?" Alice teased. "Will you be my Tigger now?"

"Maybe Simba," Edward conceded, "But after he owns Scar on Pride Rock, not the whiny phase."

"I can live with that," Alice said, beaming.

Ronan and Bella returned at last, the former looking appropriately browbeaten, while the latter held her head high in triumph. Apparently, the winning card she'd played, according to Edward's proud bride, was Skindred, a band Ronan explained was 'reggae metal'—a genre Edward had never heard of, and was somewhat frightened to experience.

"I hate to burst the bubble here, but the photographer is on a schedule," Carlisle called out from across the Terraza, gesturing to the lanky man toting a digital SLR.

"I demand a group shot," Bella shouted. "And that means you, Emmett! Stop molesting Rosalie because you are not as discreet as you think you are."

The photographer flushed as Emmett muttered something obscene enough to earn a slap from Rosalie. With her hand firmly on his tie, she dragged him over to the waiting entourage, reminding him of their own union. "They did a hell of a lot for us, Emmett Cullen; you can grope me later," she reprimanded him.

"Yeah, but I can't grope you on this Terraza later," Emmett protested, winking.

"Emmett, so help me I will tell everyone about the porn I found on your computer when you were a teenage pervert if you're not smiling pretty in ten seconds!" Alice threatened as Edward choked; he unfortunately was privy to this secret as well, courtesy of the drunken ramblings of a young sister in overshare mode.

"EVERYONE, STOP!" Charlie bellowed. The entire group fell into a stunned silence as he gestured to the photographer. "Fire away, sir."

"Um, thanks... If you all could bunch a little closer..."

Flanked either side by the fathers, the four couples fell into easy formation, each woman embraced by her man from behind in nearly identical poses. Within the minute differences lay their personalities: Emmett the protective flirt wrapped one arm beneath Rosalie's breasts, the other hand coming to rest on her abdomen; Alice struck a giddy expression before the relaxed warmth of Jasper, her rock; Emily playfully grabbed Ronan's tie, clearly the pants in their new marriage; and Bella's hands reached up and behind her, wrapping around Edward's neck in a reciprocal gesture – for they supported each other equally.

"Smile!" the photographer called out happily, pressing the shutter.

They did so, without any hesitations, laughing between poses, a playful jostling and banter punctuating each still frame reminder of beauty and love, of family and friendship. For scant minutes, they lived in the present, all past pains and future woes set aside, each vowing that this freedom found in Vegas would not remain in the city of sin.

They would not merely live happily; they would live fearlessly ever after.

* * *

_**It's done... Well, it has been for some time, but it now feels more complete online... I will not be writing any sequels and all outtakes are already posted in that 'story' in my profile. Doucheward and Bitchella are off to live their musical every after.**_

_**I wanted to say, again, thank you for supporting this story, for reading it, for enjoying it. It was a labour of love and a partial exorcism of personal demons, and I treasure it for that role in my life. It also revived my Muse after years of block, which is awesome, too. Quoting Florence Welch, "It's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off."  
**_

_**I'm posting teasers soon for my novel on my author blog/site; I'm not certain how to describe it, but it's safe to say that if one could throw Veronica Mars into a blender and shake in a dash of Silent Hill, a little Girl, Interrupted and a little High Fidelity, you'd probably come close. The prologue is available to read online, and I'm also releasing chapter one on March 3rd!  
**_

**To stay updated on Change of Season, including soundtracks, insights, teasers and of course, when and where you can purchase it, set your bookmarks here: autumnbrody[dot]wordpress[dot]com**

**Follow me on Twitter for details of the novel and general babble: dillonac  
**


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